For more information on how to control your anger, visit angersecrets.com.

Emotional abuse can be hard to spot, but it leaves deep scars that often go unseen. In this episode, anger expert Alastair Duhs dives deep into what emotional abuse really is, discussing how it can manifest in relationships through behaviors like constant criticism, sarcasm, and gaslighting.

Learn the importance of self-awareness as the first step in recognising these harmful patterns and reflect on your actions to consider how their anger might impact others.

Change is possible, but it requires commitment and often the help of a professional.

Key Takeaways:

• Emotional abuse can silently damage relationships, leaving no visible scars but causing deep emotional wounds.
• Recognising the subtle signs of emotional abuse is crucial to stopping harmful patterns before they escalate.
• Self-awareness is the first step towards change; it helps identify when anger is becoming harmful.
• Change requires effort and commitment; seeking professional help can guide you through the process of healing.
• Emotional abuse often develops as a pattern over time, starting with small criticisms that grow more damaging.
• Understanding the impact of emotional abuse on children is essential, as it can shape their future relationships.

Links referenced in this episode:

For more information (and FREE resources) of how to control your anger, visit angersecrets.com.

For a FREE training on how to control your anger, visit angersecrets.com/training/.

To learn more about The Complete Anger Management System, visit angersecrets.com/course/.

You didn't mean to hurt anyone.

You were just angry, frustrated, overwhelmed.

But now things feel different.

Maybe they've gone quiet.

Maybe they've pulled away.

Or maybe they just look at you a little differently.

And deep down, you're asking yourself a hard question.

Did I go too far?

I know this isn't easy to talk about, but it's important.

Because sometimes abuse doesn't always look like abuse.

It doesn't leave bruises, it doesn't scream for attention, but it does leave scars on your partner, your kids, and your relationship.

In today's episode, we're going to talk openly about what emotional abuse really is.

Not to shame anyone, but to help you understand it, spot it, and, if needed, stop it.

If you have ever worried that your anger or your words might be doing more damage than you realize, this episode is for you.

Hello, and welcome to episode 25 of the Anger Management Podcast.

I'm your host, Alastair Dues, and over the last 30 years, I've helped more than 15,000 men and women take control of their anger, master their emotions, and build calmer, more loving relationships.

On this podcast, I combine that experience with the power of AI to bring you powerful, practical tools you can use right away to take back control of your life.

Now, today's topic is a tough one, but also one of the most important conversations I think we can have.

It's about emotional abuse.

This is something a lot of people struggle with, even if they don't realize it.

So to help unpack it, I've asked my AI assistants, Jake and Sarah, to dive into what emotional abuse really looks like, how to recognize the warning signs, and most importantly, how to change.

Make sure you stick around to the end of the episode, too, because after their conversation, I'll be back to wrap things up and share a few thoughts of my own, including how you can take the next step toward controlling your anger once and for all.

Let's get into it.

Here's Jake and Sarah.

Have you ever been left with that.

That really uncomfortable feeling after you've been super angry?

You know, wondering if maybe.

Maybe your words went a bit too far this time?

Or perhaps you've noticed someone close.

Maybe they get quiet or sort of distant after you've shown frustration?

Yeah, those moments, they stick with you.

It really makes you think about the deeper impact our anger can have, doesn't it?

Those are exactly the kinds of questions we should be asking.

You see, often the most damaging kinds of mistreatment, they don't leave any visible marks at all.

Right?

And that's really what we're diving into today, it's something that might feel, well, difficult to explore, maybe a bit heavy, but it's so, so important to understand emotional abuse.

Absolutely.

And look, this isn't about pointing fingers or shaming anyone listening.

Not at all.

No.

What we really want to do in this deep dive is understand what emotional abuse actually looks like.

Maybe help you recognize it in your own interactions, perhaps.

Yep.

And crucially, explore how you can stop, stop engaging in these behaviors if you find yourself doing them.

Because really at its core, emotional abuse is.

It's a pattern of behavior, isn't it?

Yeah.

It's often aimed at controlling someone, manipulating their feelings or you know, ultimately harming their emotional well being.

And it's trick because, well, it often doesn't fit that picture we might have in our heads when we think of the word abuse.

Like physical abuse.

Exactly.

But the impact on someone, it can be just as devastating, sometimes even more so.

Okay, so let's try and get a bit more specific then.

When we talk about emotional abuse, say in our relationships, what kind of things are we actually talking about?

It's more than just like an occasional shouting match.

Oh, definitely more.

Yeah.

While yelling can certainly be part of it, emotional abuse, it shows up in, well, a whole lot of different ways.

Think about constant verbal jabs, you know, or those names someone might call you that just slowly, bit by bit, erode your sense of self worth.

Right.

That drip, drip, drip effect.

Exactly.

Or that feeling of being under threat.

Even if the threats aren't explicit, like I'm gonna hit you, but more subtle, it creates this underlying current of fear, you know.

Have you ever sensed that?

Unfortunately, I think, yeah, many of us have probably felt that kind of tension at some point.

What else, what else should we be looking out for?

Well, constant criticism is another really big one.

It's that feeling like nothing you ever do is quite good enough in their eyes.

Just constant fault finding.

Exhausting.

Very.

Or being belittled, mocked, maybe sarcasm that isn't just joking around, but it's actually designed to like put you down, make you feel small.

And then there's something called gaslighting that can be particularly insidious and damaging to your sense of reality.

Gaslighting, right.

That's when someone tries to make you doubt your, your own memory or what you know actually happened, isn't it?

Precisely, yeah.

They might flat out deny things they said or did, making you question your own sanity, your perceptions.

It's a really powerful way to control someone.

Other examples, the silent treatment, using silence, not Just to cool off, but is a deliberate way to punish or control you.

That's a powerful one too.

It is.

And also actively trying to cut you off from your support system, your friends, your family, isolating you, hearing all these.

Examples laid out like that, it really makes you pause and think about interactions, maybe things you've seen or even experienced.

And you mentioned earlier, even without any physical violence, the impact of this stuff can be really, really serious.

Absolutely.

While there might not be physical wounds, you can point to the emotional scars, they can run incredibly deep and last for a very long time.

Like what kind of scars?

Well, we're talking about persistent feelings of fear, maybe overwhelming anxiety that just hangs around the heaviness of depression, a really damaged sense of your own value, your self esteem.

In some severe cases, the trauma from ongoing emotional abuse can even contribute to conditions like post traumatic stress disorder.

So we need to understand that just because there's no physical violence doesn't mean the harm isn't significant.

It absolutely is.

It really is.

So, okay, if someone's listening right now and maybe some of this is starting to sound familiar, maybe they're recognizing some of these behaviors in themselves.

What's the very first step they can take?

Where do they start?

The absolute first, most crucial step is to really cultivate self awareness.

Practice it.

Okay.

It's about learning to notice when your own emotions start getting really intense, Especially feelings like anger or maybe that deep frustration that bubbles up.

Think of it like noticing the early warning signs before a big storm hits.

You know that feeling?

Yeah.

When you can sense things escalating inside.

Definitely.

Yeah.

You can often feel that tension building up, can't you?

Exactly.

And that's the moment that's the critical point, to start paying close attention.

Because then you can start to actually use some of those anger management tools, maybe things we've discussed before, and to help deescalate those intense feelings before they spill over into harmful behaviors.

So catching it early.

Catching it early.

But it also takes a conscious effort on your part to recognize those specific examples.

We just talked about the insults, the threats, the put downs, the silent treatment, recognizing them in your own words and actions.

So it's not just about feeling the anger itself.

It's about becoming really aware of how that anger is coming out towards others.

Precisely.

That's the key distinction.

And once you start to recognize those harmful behaviors in yourself, the next crucial step for you is to consciously choose to stop them immediately.

To stop.

To stop.

It's about deciding right then and there to take a different path, to find Healthier, more constructive ways to communicate your feelings and deal with disagreements.

It sounds like that takes a real genuine commitment to looking inward.

It's not easy, is it?

Not easy at all.

It takes courage.

Now we've mentioned how emotional abuse isn't usually just a one off incident.

Yes, that's such an important point for everyone to understand.

Emotional abuse rarely, if ever happens just once in isolation.

It tends to develop into a pattern, a collection really of different abusive behaviors that build up over time.

How might that look like?

How does it escalate?

Well, it might begin with criticisms that seem kind of small at first, maybe disguised as helpful advice.

But gradually they can become more frequent, more biting, more insulting.

Then perhaps threats start creeping in, even subtle ones, followed by the cold shoulder, the silent treatment.

Then maybe attempts to isolate you from people you care about, chip away at your support network, and eventually maybe even things like gaslighting, making you doubt yourself completely.

It's often a gradual slide.

It sounds like a really insane, insidious, damaging process.

And like you said, it's probably easy to dismiss those individual instances along the way.

Like I was just stressed, that's a.

Key danger, isn't it?

It's so easy to brush off one sarcastic comment or one instance of the silent treatment, or one harsh criticism.

But it's incredibly important for you listening to really stop and consider how would it feel to be on the receiving end of these kinds of behaviors consistently, week after week, month after month, maybe even year after year?

Yeah.

Can you truly imagine the cumulative effect that would have on your spirit, on your sense of self?

It paints a really bleak, difficult picture.

What are some of the specific emotional consequences for someone who's experiencing this kind of ongoing abuse pattern?

The impact on a person's well being can be absolutely profound.

We often see the development of deep seated fear, a really damaging loss of self esteem, feelings of utter hopelessness or despair, and understandably, often a lot of simmering anger and clinical depression too, as they're constantly living in a state of emotional turmoil, walking on eggshells.

And as we touched on earlier, even those instances that seem small in isolation, they really do add up.

They accumulate and cause significant lasting damage over time to your emotional health.

And this whole dynamic.

It's not just happening in a vacuum between two adults, is it?

This kind of atmosphere, it must affect others in the home.

Absolutely, that's a critical point.

Yeah.

The impact on children living in a home where emotional abuse is happening is.

Well, it's significant and deeply concerning.

Even if the abuse isn't directly Aimed at the children.

They absorb it.

How so?

What does that look like for them?

They're living in an environment that's often filled with tension, fear, anxiety, and just plain confusion.

They might not understand what's really going on or who they can trust, or why one parent is treating the other that way.

Think about how that kind of unstable, frightening environment might shape a child's developing understanding of relationships, of safety, of love.

Gosh, that must be incredibly difficult, incredibly damaging for a child growing up in.

That it really is.

The consequences of witnessing or experiencing emotional abuse in childhood can have really long lasting, far reaching effects on their own future relationships, their emotional regulation, their mental health for years, even decades to come.

It's a truly serious issue.

And you know, sadly, some people listening right now might have experienced this themselves when they were growing up.

That's true.

And if that resonates with you, if that's part of your story, please know that seeking professional support, like therapy, can be a really powerful and important step in understanding that experience and crucially, in breaking that cycle for yourself and maybe for your own family down the line.

That's such an important point about breaking the cycle.

So let's bring it back to you, the listener.

If you've recognized some of these behaviors in yourself, you've started practicing self awareness.

What's the final piece in making a real, lasting change?

Okay, so the final essential piece is making a genuine, deep commitment to change.

A commitment?

Yes, a real decision.

This involves not just recognizing the behavior, but actively identifying your own personal triggers for it.

What situations, what feelings tend to lead to those emotionally abusive responses, and then making that conscious, committed decision to find and practice healthier ways to express your emotions, manage conflict, and communicate your needs.

That sounds like work.

It is work.

And look, this isn't always easy to do just on your own.

Often, working with a professional therapist, a counselor, maybe joining a support group can provide you with the specific tools, the strategies, and the support you really need to navigate this effectively.

Well, getting help is key often, yes.

But it's so crucial to remember.

Please remember this change is absolutely possible for you.

It truly is.

When you combine that increased slight self awareness with taking responsibility for your actions, and then actively seeking the right kind of support, you can change these patterns.

It's a really hopeful message.

Okay, this has been a really important, maybe tough, but necessary, deep dive today.

To quickly summarize what we've explored, remember that emotional abuse, while it can be subtle, is incredibly damaging to you and to those around you.

Developing that self awareness is the Absolute, crucial first step in recognizing any harmful behaviors in yourself.

Yes, these behaviors, they tend to build up over time.

It's a pattern and they can have really serious consequences for everyone in a household, especially children.

And finally, perhaps most importantly, please remember that change is possible for you.

It takes commitment, it often takes seeking help, but you can change.

That's a great overview.

And look, if you're listening and you feel ready to take a deeper step, maybe towards understanding and managing your anger better and ultimately working towards eliminating emotionally abusive behaviors from your life, we really encourage you to visit Alistair's website.

It's angersecrets.com angersecrets.com yeah.

There you'll find a whole range of resources, different options designed to support you on your personal journey towards greater emotional freedom and healthier relationships.

Right.

So whether that's exploring the training programs offered there or maybe looking at the other support options available, angersecrets.com is definitely a valuable resource for you.

Okay, that's it for today's episode of the anger management podcast.

Thanks so much for tuning in.

I really hope this deep dive into emotional abuse gave you some helpful insights.

Before I go, let me quickly recap the big takeaways Jake and Sarah brought up.

Firstly, as Jake and Sarah said, emotional abuse isn't always easy to spot, but it is deeply damaging.

There may not be any bruises or broken bones, but the emotional wounds can cut just as deep.

Emotional abuse includes constant criticism, sarcasm, threats, gaslighting, silent treatment, and so forth.

All these behaviors rapidly eat away at someone's confidence and sense of self.

Next, Jake and Sarah pointed out that emotional abuse usually isn't a one time thing, it's a pattern.

One sarcastic comment might not seem like a big deal, but if it keeps happening, that's when it starts to wear someone down.

It's like erosion.

A little bit here, a little bit there, until something finally breaks.

Thirdly, any change always starts with self awareness.

If you've thought, did I go too far?

That's a good sign.

It means you're starting to reflect and that's the first step.

The trick is catching those early warning signs before your anger takes over.

Sarah called it noticing the storm before it hits.

And I love that because that's your moment.

That's where real change starts.

Fourth, and finally, change is possible, but it takes effort.

You have to want it.

You've got to show up for the work, understand your triggers, learn new ways to respond, and sometimes get help from someone who knows how to guide you.

But if there's one thing I've seen over and over again.

It's that people can change.

I've worked with thousands of people who've done just that, and if they can do it, you can too.

Okay, if this episode spoke to you in any way, I'd love it if you'd follow the podcast and leave a quick rating or review.

It really helps others find this show and get the support they need too.

And if you want to take the next step, I've got some free resources waiting for you.

Head over to angersecrets.com for a free training or to book a free 30 minute anger assessment.

Call with me.

Or if you're ready to address your anger issues right now, check out angersecrets.com course to jump into my powerful online program, the Complete Anger Management System.

It's the same system I've used to help over 15,000 people take control of their anger, and it can help you too.

Okay, that's it for today.

Remember, you can't control other people, but you can control yourself.

See you next time.

The Anger Management Podcast is for general informational purposes only and does not constitute the practice of counseling, psychotherapy, or any other professional health service.

No therapeutic relationship is implied or created by this podcast.

If you have mental health concerns of any type, please seek out the help of a local mental health professional.