Ever been quoted some ridiculous SEO retainer and thought… hang on, what the f**k am I actually paying for? Yeah. Same as lots of my clients. And honestly, I’m tired of watching small businesses get fleeced by agencies who talk a big game but can’t explain a single thing they’re doing.

Hi, I'm Nikki Pilkington. My site is https://nikki-pilkington.com/ and in this episode of SEO F**king What, I’m breaking down the biggest red flags in SEO.

Guaranteed rankings. “Secret” methodologies. Vague contracts. The lot.

If you’ve ever felt stupid for falling for any of this, don’t. These people are professionals at sounding credible while delivering absolutely nothing.

By the end, you’ll know exactly what questions to ask, what bullshit to ignore, and how to spot an SEO that’s more scammer than specialist.

Part two is coming next week, where I’ll show you what good SEO should actually look like (and what it should cost). But for now, let’s make sure you stop handing your hard-earned money to chancers.

If you’ve got questions, come yell at me on LinkedIn or drop me an email. I don’t bite… unless you promise “guaranteed rankings.”

Timestamped summary

00:00 "Protecting Small Businesses in SEO"

04:03 Vague SEO Contracts Warning

09:27 Avoid SEO Shortcuts

10:21 SEO: Hard Work, Real Experts

This episode is all about helping you ensure your SEO isn't a red flag waving scammer. But you'll have even better results from your SEO by having me in your corner, and I offer supervision and set up of these kinds of arrangements as a service - https://nikki-pilkington.com/seo-training-and-development-uk/

Want to check out more episodes? https://seofuckingwhatpodcast.co.uk/

Have you ever been quoted 15,000 pounds a month for

SEO as a small business and wondered what the actual

fuck you're paying for? Yeah, that's a real quote from a

real client. Today I'm teaching you how to spot these

chances before they empty your bank account.

This is SEO. Fucking what? I'm Nicky and I've

been doing SEO since before Google even existed, before it

was called SEO, when we were optimizing for our AltaVista and

Infoseek. I help small business owners make money from

their websites by actually getting found online. And I do it

all by being as non wanky as I can.

Now, a quick note before we start. I want as many people

as possible to hear this episode because I'm sick of seeing small

businesses get ripped off. And look, the reason

I'm loud and sweary on this podcast is isn't just because I love

the attention or just because I like to shock. It's

because I really and actually do care about small

businesses and about the future of the SEO industry that I

love. If shouting louder than the latest hustle bro

flogging a course on LinkedIn gets people's attention, I'll do

it. But my lovely mum keeps telling me that you catch more flies

with honey than vinegar. So I've tried to tone it down a bit for this

one. We'll see how long it lasts. This is a two

parter. Today in part one, I'm covering the red

flags that should have you running for the door, the questions that make

dodgy SEO squirm, and the services that are usually a

complete waste of your budget. And then next week in part two,

I'll show you what good SEO actually looks like, what it should cost,

and how to find legitimate help. Let's crack on, shall we?

Let's start with the red flags. And honestly, some of these are

so obvious I shouldn't have to say them. Clearly,

I do, because people keep falling for this rubbish. Your

red flag, number one is guaranteed rankings.

We'll get you to number one on Google. No. No, they

won't. And here's why. Nobody, and I

mean absolutely nobody, can guarantee specific

rankings. Not me, not them, not

even Google themselves. Google uses hundreds

of ranking factors the algorithm changes constantly.

We're talking thousands of tweaks every year with major

updates dropping several times a year. And guess what? Your

competitors aren't sitting on their asses doing nothing. They're

optimizing too. So anyone promising you specific

rankings is either lying through their teeth or

planning to use dodgy techniques that will eventually get your site

penalized, and either way, you lose. So when

someone guarantees you'll be number one, what they're really saying

is, I think you're gullible enough to fall for this. Don't

be. Mysterious.

Proprietary techniques they can't explain. And I

love this one. We use our exclusive proprietary ranking

methodology that. That we can't discuss in detail, which. Basically

means we're making this up as we go along. Real

SEO isn't a secret sauce. It's not a magic

spell. It's methodical work. There are advanced

techniques and some of it gets quite technical, but a

genuine expert should be able to explain their approach in terms you

can understand. If they can't, or more likely

they won't, they're hiding something. And that something

is usually their own incompetence. I've had clients come

to me after paying agencies thousands of pounds. And when I

ask what the agency did, they have no idea. None.

Because the agency deliberately kept them in the dark. That's

not expertise, that's a con.

Contracts with no clear deliverables. And

this one does get to me. Watch out for contracts that specify

monthly payments, but are mysteriously vague about what you'll

get. SEO services £2,000amonth. Okay,

so what services? What are you getting for that money? Proper

SEO proposals should include specific deliverables,

technical audits, content creation schedules,

reporting frameworks, implementation timelines. You should know

exactly what you're paying for. If your contract

or your invoice just says SEO services without any detail,

you're probably paying for fresh air with a side of disappointment and

some automated reports that don't mean anything. Red flag

number four. The special Google access Nonsense.

We have insider connections at Google. We have special

insight into the algorithm. Absolute rubbish. Total and utter

bollocks. Sorry, mum. Google guards its ranking

systems like they're the crown jewels. Even most Google

employees don't have detailed knowledge of how the algorithms work.

The search quality team keeps that information locked down tight.

Anyone claiming special access or insider knowledge is talking out

of their ass. End of story. Move on immediately.

Red flag number five. Suspiciously cheap

packages that promise everything. Complete SEO services

for £99 per month. Month. If it sounds too good to be

true, it's because it probably is. Quality

SEO takes time, expertise and effort. None of those

things come cheap. These bargain basement offerings typically involve

automated tools, copy and paste AI content and

generic optimization that delivers no value. Do

you know what you get for £99amonth? You get someone running your

site through an automated audit, slapping together a generic

report and calling it a day. That's not SEO. That's a

waste of 99 pounds. The saying goes, if you pay

peanuts, you get monkeys. And in SEO, sometimes

those monkeys actively damage your site.

Now let's talk about the questions that make dodgy SEO

squirm. These are your secret weapons.

Ask these and watch their reactions carefully. Question

1 How exactly will you measure success?

Beware of agencies that focus solely on rankings or traffic.

Rankings and traffic don't pay your bills. Leads and sales pay

your bills. A good SEO should talk about conversion

improvements, leads, sales sign ups.

They should talk about revenue increases from organic traffic, return

on your investment and ranking improvements for commercially

valuable keywords. Keywords that make you money. Not just keywords

that sound impressive. If they can't explain how their work connects to your

business goals, they're not worth your money. It's as simple as that.

Question 2 what specific changes will you make to my website?

Vague promises of on page optimization or content

enhancement aren't good enough. A professional should be able to give you a

clear roadmap after reviewing your site. They should tell you about

specific technical issues they've found and how they'll fix them. Content gaps

they've identified and how they'll address them. Structural improvements they

recommend. If they can't provide specifics, they probably haven't done

their homework or they don't actually know what they're doing. Could even

be both. Question 3 How do you stay updated with

algorithm changes? SEO changes constantly.

Google made thousands of algorithm updates last year. Ask

potential SEOs how they stay informed. Look for answers that

mention specific industry sources. Testing on their own

sites, professional networks, ongoing education.

Be really wary of those who claim they just know what works without

explaining how they adapt. That's not expertise, that's arrogance.

What happens if we don't see results within six months or a year?

This question will reveal their confidence and their accountability.

Good SEOs will discuss what might be quick wins versus what takes longer.

They'll explain their review process for strategies that aren't working.

They'll tell you how they adapt based on performance data. If

they get defensive or only offer vague reassurances about SEO

taking time, they probably don't have confidence in their own abilities.

And if they don't believe in themselves, why should you?

And let's cover quickly what's usually a complete waste of your

budget.

And let's cover quickly what's usually a complete waste of your

budget. The services that sound impressive but deliver nothing.

Link building packages. We'll build 50 high quality

backlinks for 500 pounds. No,

quality links don't come from bulk packages. They come from

mentions earned through good content, business relationships and

genuine pr. What you get from those packages is

directory submissions to irrelevant sites, low

quality posts on farms, comment spam, and private

blog network links that violate Google's guidelines. These

links range from useless to actively harmful.

Google is not stupid. It can spot artificial link

building a mile off and the penalties can

devastate your visibility. Social Media Followers

While social signals might indirectly benefit SEO,

most social packages sold as SEO services

are worthless. Bought followers who never engage Fake

accounts Generic posting with no strategic purpose

Unless social media directly drives your business, these services

rarely deliver anything worth paying for. And anything Black

hat cloaking, hidden text, spammy doorway pages,

keyword stuffing paid links on dodgy sites. These

techniques might work briefly, but when? And I'm not saying

if, I'm saying when. When Google catches on, the

penalties are severe and long lasting. Don't let

anyone talk you into shortcuts. There are no shortcuts in

SEO, just hard work and patience. So

that's part one. You now know how to spot the wankers,

the questions that make them squirm, and the services that will drain your budget

without delivering results. But do you know what? Not everyone in

SEO is a chancer. There are genuine experts out there who

deliver real value. The question is how do you find them?

And what does good SEO look like? Next week

I'm going to show you exactly what good SEO looks like.

The services that actually deliver value, how to find

legitimate help, what SEO should cost in the UK

and I'm going to give you numbers. Not it depends Waffle

how long it takes and why SEO isn't a one off job no matter

what anyone tells you. If you've been burned before or you're

nervous about hiring someone, Part two is going to give you everything

you need to make a smart decision. And if this helped, don't

keep it to yourself. Make sure you're following SEO Fucking what? In whichever app

you're listening to right now. And don't miss part two Next week, share it

with a mate who's about to hire an SEO. You could save them a fortune.

If you've got a question, feel free to pop me in DM on LinkedIn

or send me an email. But until next time, don't get ripped off and

I'll see you in part two.