Sex Spoken Here:  Strong Women and BDSM

Welcome to my virtual therapy room!  I am Dr Lori Beth Bisbey and this is Sex Spoken Here. Remember that this podcast deals with adult themes so if you don’t have privacy you might wish to put on your headphones.   This week I am talking about strong women, BDSM and rough sex. 

I am often asked how and why strong women can desire rough sex and if strong women who enter submissive relationships are really just play acting. 

Submissive women are seen as easy to mold and passive in relationships.  While some submissive women are passive, many are strong, active women who find joy in surrendering and transferring authority to a dominant partner.  They enjoy service to someone who is stronger (or as strong) as they are. 

I have talked about the basics of power exchange in the past.  But to recap

In all relationships, there exists power exchange.  One person is in charge of X and the other in charge of Y.  In some relationships, there is a balance of power most of the time, an equal division of labour, responsibilities and decision making.  In other relationships, most of the power lies with one person who has overall responsibility, and control of decision making.   

Many so called ordinary relationships contain similar types of power exchange.  In religious households, there are often strict division of roles and the man is often the one who is in charge as head of household with the woman deferring to him in all decisions.    

Current thinking is that it is authority that is exchanged or transferred rather than power.  This concepts works better when looking at strong powerful submissives who continue to run many aspects of their lives.  The idea of taking power from a submissive rubs many dominants the wrong way.  They enjoy the power and the fact that they are given the authority to weald the power as they see fit.

Why would a woman want to be submissive if not for religious conviction? For some of us, surrender is tantalising, exciting and ultimately a relief. As a strong woman, I am often in charge and in control whether it is to do with running my business or managing what needs to be done at home, social planning, financial planning, or parenting my teenage son.   When I was a teenager, I was often in charge of projects with friends and I learned early how to take responsibility and plan well so that my goals were reached.  I learned quickly that relying on other people often meant that things were not done the way I wanted them done or that they were not done at all.  I began to take more responsibility and more control in my life and became known as someone who could and would get things done.

Control felt good.  It felt safe.    I had difficulty with trust as a result of some early life experiences.  This made it even harder for me to give up control in any area of my life.  But more control can equal less pleasure as orgasm requires that you relinquish control.   At an early age, I found myself craving a dominant partner, someone who could take control from me, who could force me to surrender. 

First I discovered romance novels, the type where the man carried the woman off and ravaged her.   I quickly discovered BDSM erotica and immersed myself in Story of O, Beauty’s tales amongst others.    My desire to submit grew.  When I began to have relationships that included BDSM, I discovered that submission and surrender were not easy for a girl who was so used to being in control.  I learned that in order to submit to someone, they had to be very intelligent, and someone I could respect and admire in the world.   In short, the person had to be stronger than I.  That is true to this day.  To some this sounds arrogant but I make no apologies.  I am a strong, highly intelligent, highly accomplished woman.   

I am into BDSM and that includes rough sex and transfer of authority for me.  Some strong women are only into rough sex in the bedroom.  Rough sex is exciting, raw and powerful.  Giving up control to my stronger partner is liberating.  I can enjoy the experience of being brought to that edge of intense fear and pain then feeling it turn to intense pleasure.  Surrendering to the primal feelings is what energises me and pushes me into the most intense full body orgasms I have ever experienced.  It takes me out of my head, out of the knots in my body and pushes me through any barriers.

Rough sex is especially hot for strong women because it helps to push us further than we would often be able to go by ourselves.  When I consent to this type of sexual activity, I am choosing what I desire though I am turning control over to another.  It is my choice.  That takes strength and trust and is part of what makes it so unbelievably hot.    Often rough sex is cathartic and allows me to express and release any trapped emotions.  

There is a myth that the submissive person is passive but this couldn’t be further from the truth.  The submissive is entirely engaged, connected to their partner.  The primal aspects allow us to shed all the shame that society heaps onto our sexual lives and sexual culture and to simply do what intuition guides us to do – listen to our bodies. 

It requires significant strength to choose risky intense sex where you show up completely open and raw.  This makes rough sex exhilarating.   Rough sex allows me to let go of all my responsibilities for a time, let go of decision making for a time and simply respond.    It requires intense trust which once built enhances the relationship even further.

The element of surprise present whenever you transfer authority to someone else, turns on our dopamine receptors which bumps up the sexual pleasure.   Power is intoxicating – for both parties.  Sexual submission is active receptiveness – not passivity.   There is a feedback loop created between the dominant and the submissive that increases intensity and thus pleasure.  What people often don’t realise is that when this is integrated into the full relationship, this energy pervades all aspects of the relationship.  As a result, pleasure can be found in many activities that are not directly sexy.  For example, many of us find pleasure in simple service – preparing a meal and serving the meal can bring unexpected arousal as a result of being in a submissive posture and mind set.

Rough sex and BDSM provide an acceptable way for a partner to be selfish.  After negotiation around limits, the dominant takes what they want.  They control the rhythm of the relationship and the sex. 

Once you know you want to incorporate elements of BDSM into your sex life, where do you begin?  Everything starts with consent. Consent is the difference between mind blowingly hot rough sex and rape.  And consent is not as simple as ‘yes do it.’  

To gain consent, you discuss your fantasies, your past experiences, any trauma you have experienced, your limits (the things you won’t or don’t want to do).  The conversation should happen in a neutral space (eg not in the bedroom).    This conversation leads naturally into full negotiation of what you might do together, how the relationship will look – will a transfer of authority only happen in the bedroom or will this be part of your wider relationship?  All aspects are considered – including what ending the relationship might look like and the mechanism to re-negotiate.

Once you have negotiated, plan a date.  If this is new to both of you, remember that things don’t always go to plan and keep your sense of humour.   As you gain experience, you will learn to turn those failures into hot moments too.

BDSM is not one size fits all.  There are a variety of ways to incorporate this into your relationships.  Some people live a full leather lifestyle where the transfer of authority is part of every aspect of their relationships.  They abide by codes that include honour, integrity, authenticity.  Others restrict this to the bedroom.  Still others don’t get involved in any of the rough sex aspects and only become involved in a power exchange or transfer of authority.  For some, as for me, this is their primary sexual orientation.  This means that they find BDSM is what attracts them not the gender or sex of the partner.   More on these subjects in a future podcast. 

Thanks for joining me for Sex Spoken Here with Dr Lori Beth Bisbey.

Write to me with suggestions for the show, questions you want answered at drbisbey@the-intimacy-coach.com, follow me on twitter, Instagram and Facebook.

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I look forward to seeing you next week.