"I don't remember when the first time he hit me was. Because the verbal abuse had been going on for so long."
Are Narcissists Violent? Domestic Violence Awareness Month
Today I share a conversation with Dawn Ranae. She shares her raw story of Narcissistic Abuse, domestic & physical abuse and survival.
Dawn is a domestic abuse survivor, mother, widow of her true love and podcaster. As a wordsmith she offers products, coaching & community thru words to create healthy self image.
Words have power. Use them well
Here are some key moments:
"This is your fault. Look what you made me do."
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Are Narcissists Violent? Domestic Violence Awareness with Dawn Ranea
Raven, I don't remember when the first time he hit me was because by the time that came along the. Verbal and emotional abuse had been going on for so very long. , and it started with things like, , you made me so angry if you had just done X, if you had only said this, if you had only worn something different, , , it was always.
Put on me.[:
. I am your host, Raven Scott, your go-to narcissist abuse recovery coach.[:
Are narcissist violent? Domestic abuse awareness month With Don Ranae.[:
It is not a substitute for professional therapy.
This episode is sponsored by better help. I numbed myself to stop the pain and I reached out to friends for. But it wasn't until I gained courage to leave and seek therapy that my dark abyss of hopelessness finally started to let in the light I was so longing for.
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I gained my sense of self autonomy back my power back and my confidence back. Join the 3 million plus people who have taken charge of their mental health with an experience better health therapist. Get 10% off your first firstname.lastname@example.org slash empath. That's better. H E L p.com/e M P a T H in the link in the show notes.[:
narcissist as the villain. I don't view them as evil. I used to, but I don't anymore. I have opened up my eyes to see that it is a mental illness, and I see that. I cannot change it either, so I can't control the other person's mental illness. All I can do is guard and shield myself from the toxicity of the byproduct of this mental illness.
So I wish all of the narcissists in my life currently and not in my life anymore. All the best of wishes, all the best of intentions to find their healing on their healing journey. But I cannot be party to being codependent and enabling them, not helping them grow because I'm not calling them out or drawing boundaries.d my parents on the spectrum [:
They either have been very codependent and they only loved me because I. Went to church and fell inside the box of how they saw I should live, and then when I didn't and I, , have Buddhist statues, , in my house and or married the guy that they don't want me to or make choices or stop going to church and all these things that they just don't align with them and don't make sense.
Then there's some hidden truth that they don't wanna share with me because maybe it is racist, maybe it is, , bigots religious right, But they don't wanna admit that because they wanna be good people and loving and supportive parents. So you have this cloud of, there's not truth being brought up, and then you have me just wanting their love and them running away and not spending a lot of time with me because they feel uncomfortable in sitting in this truth.
They're hiding from me because they don't want me to never talk to them again. Maybe, I don't know. I, you know, there's so much complexity to this scenario, and so all I do is wish that we can have healing. And I'm relating to you empaths and knowing that yes, there's a whole generation of us millennials that have boomer parents who are highly toxic because of their upbringing and their wounds and their trauma, and I get it, but there's like this whole, not everybody, but there's a big majority of the generation that are narcissists and.shine light on the truth and [:
And healing repair. And , one of my friends who I've helped and she's read my book and I've been just talking to her and like casually coaching her through her experience with her parents and. She says that without my words and my encouragement and my content, I put on Instagram and the podcast and without my book, she would not have seen that she had inner child trauma as well, and she would not have seen that she needed to stand up and be her own parent and stand up against her narcissistic parent.
Try and free her enabling parent, but all she could do was draw the boundaries and say no more. She, you know, it had to take all the way up to something really traumatic where she had to file a police report and a restraining order because it became violent and physical. And I mean, you would think, Oh my gosh, it's insane.
Why would a parent be violent? , their partner and their child, but here we are bringing awareness during domestic violence abuse month in October to that this is real and the silence will continue to perpetuate it and allow it. So her speaking up and her filing a police report and her filing a restraining order, and then there being a lawsuit against her.
She filed a police report like, How dare you file a police report against your own parent? Right? And then it like has become this legal battle. But she's so brave and she's so hopeful and she's so confident through it. And then the other day she shared with me that. There was a healing moment and there was an apology from her parents and there was a step forward to healing.[:
We need to really fix ourselves and you know, do the work because we've harmed our daughter. So these things, they come up. Only when we can rise up and be strong for ourselves. And this is a beautiful story that there's much more healing to do. But I see this as a success story. And again, she's just like so thankful and thank you so much for your book and your content and you're amazing.
And like without you, I would've not been able to do this and I appreciate it. And I thank her for that. And at the same time, I continued to tell her. , it was all within you. You know, you just need a little, like hand holding and coaxing, but the power really was in you, not me, . I'm just the, the messenger, the conduit and the power for you to be able to rise up is within you.
So have courage, have hope and faith, and draw your boundaries. Rise up, repair it yourself, and be the hero in your story, in your own life for yourself.
Thank you for tuning in to the podcast today. Today is the first of the month as I record this, and this is the month of October Domestic Violence Awareness Month, and this is really near and dear to my heart, and it's important. That we have discussions on the podcast and on our social medias and in our personal lives about what does that mean?isode with Don Renee and she [:
Physical and the title is Love Should Not Hurt, and I think that's the theme of this month and sharing that love should not hurt. Love is unconditional. Love is like a warm sweater, and it is not transactional. It is not controlling. It is not guilt ridden. It is not shame, It is not manipulative. It just loves you for who you are and doesn't try and change you.
So enjoy this episode today in this rerun with the Beautiful Dawn Ranae.. I am joined with Dawn Ranae from Beautifully Broken podcast. I'm so excited for her to share her story and her extremely in-depth wisdom. Really she's been through so much, with you and how to. See the red flags, maybe, glean some information about how to spot a narcissist.
If you're in an emotional and physical, abusive relationship. So Dawn thank you so much for being.[:
First I want to share about your podcast because I think it's beautiful.
And your lives that you do, what is it called? It's[: of widowhood because I am a [:
, whatever their trial is that they're in the midst of. , they're finding ways to. Find a way to be happy every day, to feel like themselves, to be connected and not forget who they are and let, whatever it is that's going on in their life become their identity because that happens when you're going through a rough patch in life.
, it can be loss of a job. It could be loss of housing with the COVID pandemic and the whole world. I don't know, dynamics changing. So many people are experiencing so many different things that they never expected what happened. , they've found themselves in positions, in situations that they never dreamt of.
And, , they're grieving and they're struggling. And I just want people to know that that doesn't have to define you. You don't have to be stuck in that place. There are ways that you can find. Something good. Even if it's just for a few minutes a day, but something to help keep the. Inside of you alive.[:
So you are a, definitely a shining light in the darkness right now.[: [:
A thought or an aha moment in your mind that, oh my gosh, I've heard that phrase before and then evaluate it. You know, there's there's you need to have this critical thinking when we're in relationships. Is this person have my best interest or are they constantly, you know, putting everything off on me and you know, I'm taking the blame for.
And they're saying all these little things. So she's going to give us all these phrases about the narcissist abuse.
We'll be back. in just a moment.
Hey, empaths wanted to take a break and ask if these phrases sound familiar to you. I didn't say that you're too sensitive. No one will ever believe you.
If these phrases are. Familiar and you may be dealing with a narcissist
my book empath and the narcissist. Is for you. How to overcome narcissistic abuse and recover from PTSD, codependency, gaslighting, and manipulation. Receive another bonus in this book. The free four ways to set powerful boundaries workshop is included in this book. If you wish to feel alive again, take back the power in your life. Then go to www dot Raven, Scott. Dot Show forward slash empath and the narcissist
Now, back to the show.[: [: [:
Every time, the phrase was told to her, the narcissist was pawning any responsibility of his actions off onto her, the kind loving empathic person who would say, okay, well maybe it is me. And that's something that we need to really make sure we have a guard up against is taking responsibility for other people's actions.
So Dawn share with us. You met him at 12 in church, you said?[:
so we started dating, I guess I was 12 and he was 16 and, , We, you know, it was okay because our parents knew each other. It was th you know, they weren't thrilled with the age difference, but he was from a good family. I'm from a good family. Our dads were deacons in the church together. It was okay.
And, , I don't know when, I don't know when the abuse started and I, I was telling you, Raven, I don't remember when the first time he hit me was because by the time that came along the. Verbal and emotional abuse had been going on for so very long. , and it started with things like, , you made me so angry if you had just done X, if you had only said this, if you had only worn something different, , , it was always.ived slights or, , something [:
And he hated it. And he said, you didn't ask me about this. I didn't say you could do this.[: [:
I climbed trees. I, I, you know, I played soccer. Well, we soccer team. So I was always very athletic and short hair just made more sense. Right. And, but because, well, look, you know, for me, I, you know, look, I don't have to braid it and I don't have it, but for him it was, you know, he, , got old or, , he would buy my clothes for me.
I did not wear makeup because he did not approve of makeup because he would say, why are you wearing makeup? Who are you trying to impress? And if I said, oh, I want to look nice for you. He said, I didn't say I needed you to look nice. He brown. You're lucky I have. You're lucky. I don't believe you. You're lucky that.
Love you because nobody else will. And they do that[:
And that's I think a big thing too.[:
And we're going to be, you know, going to play soccer on Saturday. And he's like, I was planning for us to go to a movie on Friday night or Saturday. So I would cancel the plane hands because we were going to do something together and slowly but surely I was weaned away from my friends and I was weaned away from my activities and the things that I enjoyed and became.
Submersed in the things that he did and he enjoyed and his friends and their things. So I lost my identity, but it happens so slowly. And so innocuously it, I didn't even realize it was happening. And I don't even, like I said, I don't know when it started that the first time he hit me and people say, how can you not remember that?
And it's because by the time that happened, he had told me so many times that, you know, you deserve this. This is your fault. Look what you made me do. And that became. I deserved it. Well, if I, I should have said something different, I should have not said anything. I shouldn't have told that joke, or I shouldn't have had that radio station playing that loudly when he came home from work.romise to never do it again. [:
And, , when I moved out of my house, , Sarah, about two years ago and I was going through my closet of things, one of my children said to me, mom, why do you have these? And, , I said, because. At one point, he had me convinced that this never happened. It was all in my head and I made it all up. And this is my proof that this really happened because he admits to everything in these letters, he admits to everything that he denied.
To the world, but to me, he admitted it and this is my validation that I am not crazy and that I didn't deserve any of this. And this is to remind me that it wasn't me and I do still have those cards and letters. , some of them have been shredded and I kinda take them back together. You know? , some I did burn before I realized, no, I think I better hold on to.[: [:
And we had our first child when I was 14, so I was 14 and he was 18. And,[: [:
So it wasn't like they could go back. Yeah. He
, but yeah, so, you know, so we had the baby and he was really good and everything was great and wonderful and terrific. , and then I, you know, I had her 10 days before I started ninth grade and, , I went to high school and then 10th, 11th, and 12th grade. I went to high school half a day and nursing school half a day and took college classes.
So I graduated from high school. The day before, the day after I graduated from nursing school. Wow. And that way I would be able to have a job for me and my child to be able to take care of my kid. Right. Because you know, you need to do that. And, , somewhere, uh, the summer between my 11th and 12th grade year, I finally realized that this is not me. , it was too, , it was actually, it was two suicide attempts I had had from the time I was 14. 17. And at the time that I finally had had enough, I weighed 98 pounds. I almost died from malnutrition because I was anorexic. And, ,[: [:
You're ugly. Who wants you? You're smart. You're too smart. Nobody wants a girl. That's that smart. , so when I, when we were talking, because I was doing my SATs, you know, summer between 11th and 12th, grades, SATs, and you're picking colleges and he said, you don't need to go to college. You're smart enough.
What do you think you're going to do with that? Anyone anyway, why would anybody want to hire. You already have a kid who cares about what, you know,[: [: ll. They were as if you were [: [: [:
Yeah, I need you to understand that, you know, nobody likes a girl that's smart. You're not that pretty. So you're lucky I'm here and I love you and I, you around as if that was supposed to, , you know, you know, Hey, you're lucky I ha your hair, but it was sudden like this kind and loving way. And, but it was always the, if you hadn't done this, or if only you had done this, if you.
I would only do what I asked if you would just take care of the kids the way I want you to, if you would just clean the house when I tell you to, and he would leave little notes, have you cleaned the bathroom lately? Clean it again, things like that. You know, like my to-do list and I was working full-time nights as a nurse and I was two little berries and at least I had one.
And then, , we had another one. And then we ended up getting married eventually and having a third one. And, , we went, we moved from our apartment into a townhouse and then we wanted to move into this. I wanted to move into the single family home and I can remember walking through the house and I just felt like home.d, he had, he had stopped, , [:
And so I agreed to marry him because he had changed. He was better. Yeah. And like, as soon as we got married, It started. He says, well, you're the wife now a wife does this. A wife should know this. You should know, says now you're my wife. How to take care of me? It's four job care kids. It's your job to make sure I have.
And he would say things, but he would say them in such a gentle way as like he was guiding me and teaching me how to be the perfect wife, because I didn't know how[: [:
W whenever that started, which again, I don't know. , but eventually it, and it was never anything he would like further remote control and it would hit me in the head or he through, , a vase, , with like this carved vase at me and it hit me in the back of the leg and it cut my leg open. , and he was like, if you had moved, it wouldn't have hit.[:
So therefore we can't[: [: [:
That's fine because we are a couple in a partnership and our money is your money is my money, you know? , That wasn't it. Wasn't what I thought it was. , it got to be more and more degrading and more, uh, just constantly, no matter what I did. There was always something putting me down. And when I would talk to my girlfriends, because again, this is the only real relationship I'd been in and I would say, oh, this or that.
And then I'd say, oh, he doesn't say it. He didn't mean it that way because he's so sweet. He's so nice. He put a roof on the neighbor's house, but what they didn't know was that after you. In 85 degree weather and how put this roof on the house for the neighbor who his wife was, my friend, he came home and he said, this is all your fault.
I blisters on my hands and knees from putting a roof on their house because you're her friend. I had to help her husband. And now look at me, this is all your fault. And then that's when the ugly would start and he'd pick me up and shove me into a wall or push me down the stairs or something. To that effect.
And, , nobody would believe me because he was such a nice guy and he was so helpful and he did so many things for people, but I would always pay for. Every time, every time he would come home and I would pay for it because it was my fault that he had gotten into that. It was my fault that he didn't get to go crabbing.n a roof because I was their [: [:
I don't want to ruin your roof. Like make something up, but say no, rather than pretend to be this really great person. First of all, to mask all the guilt of how you're treating your wife and family masking your insecurities, like all these masks they have, and then they get resentful and take it out on the people in the privacy of their own home.
But I don't really remember. I just remember feeling so guilty because I made him angry and then he heard it, then he got hurt and it was all my fault. And that, that was a mindset that I had. That was the self image that I had that. I had to try harder. I had to do better and make him happy all the time.
So the kids had to be homework done and toys put away and bathed and ready to go. And his, when the garage door went up and his car came in the driveway in the garage at, after work, the dinner table was set. Dinner was ready. He would come in, wash his hands, sit at the table. The kids were there. Food would go on the table and everything was good.laying with Play-Doh. Uh, my [:
Like it's a microphone and you know, I'm dancing with the broom and, , my daughters are doing their homework and we had stopped and we're just playing and having fun while dinner was cooking. And. The garage store went up and my three-year-old son, what daddy's home. We have to clean up before he walks in and everybody stops.
My three-year-old turned off the radio. My daughters gathered their homework and ran to their room and my son went and made sure all the dishes and everything were in the right place on the table and then got in his chair and was sitting there waiting for dad to come. And everything was quiet and everything was perfect.
There was no dirt, no noise, no mess. And I looked at that and that's when I realized that my kids were learning something horrible. And they w they were learning that it wasn't okay to be themselves. They were learning that they couldn't be children. And I was hiding all. The what was going on with me, my kids didn't know, but that's when I realized that even though they weren't seeing the abuse against me, they were still seeing how limited their, their debt, that, that this was how, how they were learning, that it wasn't okay to be yourself.
It wasn't okay to play music and dance in the kitchen and laugh and tell jokes. That's what they were learning. And that is when I realized that's not how I wanted to live. And when I confronted him about it, we had a big argument and he told me to leave and I refuse to leave. And he took a handgun out of the closet and held us in my head and started pulling the trigger.and this had [: [: [:
And I would say, oh, I'm so proud of you. Good for you. And I would say, oh, but that's not like my husband, he doesn't get drunk and beat me up. He doesn't, you know, he's not a drunk. But then looking back, I realized that was worse because he didn't have something altering his mind to have him be that way.
It was worse because that was how he was toward me. Naturally. And that's when I realized that this was bad, that this could go very bad. And when he held the gun to my head and pulled the trigger, I didn't know if it was loaded or not. He said, I can put a bullet in your brain and hide the body and no one will even care or notice that you're gone.
And that was my biggest fear that, that he was right. And[: [:
And there'll be nobody there for my parent, for my kids, that nobody would protect them because nobody believed that he would do something horrible. Right. But it starts with the loving tone and giving the advice and just trying to help you be a better person and help you to be.all your friends for theirs.[:
When you realize one day that you're not listening to the music you like, you're not telling the jokes you want to tell. You're not wearing the clothes that you want to buy. And where that, you know, you want pink hair, but you can't because he would not approve. You want to punk rock out. Okay. It's the eighties.
You want to punk rock out because you are quirky and you are strange and you love all things, science and all things weird. I mean, I wanted to be on micro. I wanted to be a microbiologist and study mitochondrial DNA. Because I was convinced at the age of 10, that that was the key to viruses like aids and to cancer cells and Ms.
And auto-immune illnesses. And guess what? Here we are 40 years later. And what I thought 40 years ago? Well, yeah, 40 years ago, what I thought I had, I had an idea for. Real. Yeah. So now[:
be true to you because if you don't take care of you. And let your light shine, then you've already lost. You've lost yourself and you are too precious to lose.[: [: [:
If something seems off, if it doesn't feel good, if they're saying I love you as they squeeze you and whispering your ear, your mind, that doesn't feel good, then it's not good. I don't care what the words are. I don't care how soft and gently they're whispered in your ear. It's not. Feeling good, then it's not good for you.
And that's the thing, the hardest one to follow because you desperately want the words to mean what they sound like, they name the way that they're delivered, but it's the way they make you feel. If they make you feel scared, if they make you feel like you're going to cringe. And I would do that, I would tense up because I was waiting for the punch to come.
The Y the words were kind and loving, but I was waiting because I knew what was coming next. If that's what you live, that's wrong. That's not right. You need. You make time to get out[: [: [: [: gated reporters. As a nurse, [:
So you want to go to people who are obligated by the law to, to report it and to follow up with the appropriate people. They can get you to lady women's shelters. There are shelters for women and children. There are emergency shelters that nobody knows where they are. Nobody, nobody.[:
You haven't seen[: [: [:
And I am 12. I am 14 and I am terrified and it, it doesn't last long, but it's enough to throw me off and really question so many decisions, , that I made. And, you know, if I could've done it different. And my way of reconciling that is by talking about it, my way of doing it better is by trying to make sure other people don't live in the made me cry.
Me too. Yeah. , the, someone had said to me that, , me talking about the things that have happened in my life, , was, sounded like I was like making a fool of myself. And that's just the shadow. I'm not making a fool of myself and if I am that's okay. I'm okay with that. What I am doing is I'm trying to shine lights, bring to light things that people know have been going on for years, but they don't really talk about, and I want people to know they're not alone.and [:
I don't want anyone. If I can save, if I can get one person to just stop and reevaluate and make a change, then me telling my story.[: [:
Actually, I am ashamed that I didn't do better, that I didn't see sooner that I let it happen for so long that I expose my children to this. I'm ashamed that I didn't make better choices for me and my kids for so long. But if I hide it that shame, if I hide behind it, that doesn't help anyone. And that's, I feel like I'm my purpose.
In life is to make sure that the lessons I've learned aren't repeated by others. If I can, in some small way, give courage to someone than everything I've gone through is worth it.[:
I want to reiterate one thing that you had said about feeling in your body. Cause I know it's very hard and it, it sounds okay. What does that mean? Like feel in my body, how does it feel? And so many times I think that's where the battle is with the narcissist and the impact or the nice person or whatever you want to call.tifying and the mind, right. [:
Okay. That's you need to listen to that. I'm justifying it in their head. Yeah. Then[: [:
should not not hurt.[:
And we're made to feel like what we're feeling. Isn't real, but here's the thing, whatever you feel. No one can tell you is wrong because it's your feelings and your feelings are always. Right and true for you. So follow them.
Going to close on that because I want you to get more from her on her Facebook lives.
, Dawn Hanlin on Facebook and I want you to go and listen to her podcast. She is such a wealth of wisdom. , just, she's such a brave and bright soul. I really appreciate you being here on the show and her podcast is called beautifully broken by DAwn Renee. So go find that and subscribe. Please reach out to us.
We're here to help you comment below any of your thoughts, questions. We're here to answer them and be here with you. Thank you so much, Dawn
you. And I'm so glad that you had me on[: ic violence. Please call the [:
You are a blessing. If this has impacted you, please share it with a friend, spread the word. So we can impact and end domestic violence, narcissist abuse.
End the suffering now.[:
And remember. Always keep your unique light, shining.
Madhvi is helping people release Baggage breaking negative patterns and finding the root causes with the emotion and body code. Visit www dot Madhvi dot CA. That's M a D H V I dot. Dot CA. I can personally attest that this is an amazing way to heal trauma out that you can't do with meditation. And.
Thought therapy and talk therapy and all the things. So. Reach out to her and A free 30 minute consultation to see if That can help you.