The longest conversation you'll ever have is the one with yourself — and it shapes every other conversation you have.

This week on Always Off The Record, we sit down with Amira Mansour, a London-based communication coach, speaker, and founder of The Communication Expert. After a decade in corporate learning and development across finance and asset management, Amira now helps hundreds of professionals — and brands like Nike, Adidas, and giffgaff — find their voice and stop over-explaining, shrinking, or staying silent to keep the peace.

We get into why "talking" isn't the same as "communicating," how to actually navigate hard conversations without avoiding them, the real cost of choosing politeness over honesty, and why your inner dialogue is quietly running the show in every room you walk into.

In this episode, we cover:

• Why 93% of your message isn't even about your words
• Amira's rule for having (and surviving) hard conversations
• The real difference between influence and manipulation
• How to set boundaries — even if you've never known where to start
• What it costs you to stay silent, and how to break the pattern
• Why women get caught in a "too nice vs. too aggressive" trap at work — and how to escape it
• The tension between women in the workplace, and how to call it out without escalating it
• Amira's 4-step blueprint to becoming a better communicator, starting today

Key Quote:

"The longest, most important conversation you're ever going to have in your life is the one with yourself."

Connect with Amira:

• Instagram: @thecommunicationexpert
• LinkedIn: Amira Mansour

Follow Always Off The Record:

• Subscribe & leave a review — it helps more than you know
• Instagram @always_off_the record
• Youtube @alwaysofftherecord

Because usually their threat response has kicked in so they're shutting down because that feels safer now.

You're going to have to work hard in this two weeks.

I have lots of them.

Lots, lots.

If you're not having hard conversations, then I'd question how healthy is that relationship to self?

Are you quite clear on what your boundaries actually are?

How do you like to use your time and how do you allow other people to use it?

Even if we're talking, sometimes we're not communicating.

You talk about what it's costing you when you pick politeness over honesty.

I need to think about how does he want to receive information, what's important to him and how am I almost going to sell that message to him?

You kind of end up agreeing with them all the time and you never get your needs met.

Is we've got the power to retrain our self.

Talk.

It all begins with how we talk to ourselves.

The longest, most important conversation you're ever going to have in your life is the one with yourself.

Hi guys.

If you're watching this on YouTube, don't forget to click like and subscribe.

Our guest today believes the most important skill you'll ever use is the one nobody ever taught you how to actually communicate.

Amirah Mansour is a London based communication coach, speaker and the founder of the Communication Expert.

She spent over a decade inside the corporate world in learning and development across finance, asset management and beyond before turning her attention to the thing underneath every career, every relationship and every bit of confidence we have, the way we talk to other people and to ourselves.

She's coached hundreds of professionals, worked with brands like Nike, Adidas and giffgaff, and hosts the Open up podcast.

She's here to help us stop shrinking, stop over explaining and start saying what we actually mean.

Amira, welcome to Always off the Record.

Thank you for having me.

Where I'd like to start first is when I was doing the research.

One thing I didn't know about you is you're also a lawyer.

Well, like a train like you.

It's what I qualified in.

Yeah, it's what you qualified in.

But you're not practicing obviously.

No, I didn't practice.

But how did you, what made you switch like not practice law and go into communication?

I think it's so easy now to look back and see how your path has evolved.

At the time I think I was 16 when I chose like made the decision, I'm going to be a lawyer, that's what I want to do.

Did my law degree, took a year out and then went back to law school in the evenings.

And by that time I'd already had a job in financial services and I was like a temp.

I was super, like, junior in my role, but I really loved the environment and that role grew.

And then I kind of came to that crossroad of do I continue doing what I really want to do, which was to practice law?

And I really wanted to be a barrister.

I really wanted to advocate for kids going through care, which, when you look back now, it's really easy to join the dots and see, like, why I do what I do, the way that it's evolved.

Everything's always been around finding your voice.

But I think I got to the crossroads and truthfully, it came down to, like, a real financial aspect.

It was costing me a lot to study.

I was progressing in my corporate career and I kind of got to my mid-20s and I was like, if I go back now, I'm gonna restart over.

And I was enjoying what I was doing and I was learning a lot.

And I think my ethos has always been, as long as I'm learning, then I will keep on a certain path.

As soon as I stop learning or become stagnant, then that's my sign to, like, get out and shift.

So it's easy to look back now and be like, it definitely lent itself to what I do now.

I'm so grateful for my degree.

It was like, one of the best periods of my life, but a little bit in terms of universe intervention.

And I enjoyed my corporate career and where I was at at that stage.

When we think about communication, because if I say to anyone, what is communication?

The first thing we think about is obviously speech.

We are talking right now.

Yeah, but obviously from what you do, even if we're talking, sometimes we're not communicating.

Definitely.

So what's the difference?

Yeah.

I think such a big part is what I call our nonverbal cues.

Your facial expressions, your body language, silence.

And it's so funny because you can look at silence, and I always say, silence is golden.

You need it, but not if you're weaponizing it.

You don't want to be on the receiving end of silent treatment.

And you're so right.

So in terms of stats research, we spend so much of our time focusing on what we're going to say, and I'm not against it.

We do need to think about that.

The language, the way we speak to ourselves is so important.

However, in order for our message to land, we actually really need to think about our tone, our Pace, our pitch, our volume.

And that means in every interaction, if you want your message to land, if I want you to receive something in a certain way, I need to think way more about everything else that goes around that than my words.

And actually that contributes to 93% of your message landing or not.

Before we dive in real quick, if you're watching this and you're not yet subscribed to Always off the record, what are you doing?

We're over here having the most honest conversations about money, life, and everything in between that nobody else wants to say out loud.

Hit the subscribe button, tap the like, turn on your notifications, because trust me, you do not want to miss what's coming.

So what are all the things that go around it?

Because if I want to tell you something, I just want to tell you something.

So what are all the other things that go around it?

Okay, so let's put it into two categories.

First of all, you're non verbal.

So in terms of body language, facial expressions, your hands, gestures, like all of your physical movement.

And then in the second category is your tone.

So that means your volume, your pitch, your pace, where are you going to pause, your speed.

If you want to emphasize something, slow down if you want to have more authority, pronounce a certain word and that they're the pieces that we don't give that much time to.

Because something you say here is, you say your hard conversation rules is specific.

Regulate your emotions first.

Know the outcome.

Know you know receipts, which one do people get wrong most often and what does it cost them?

I mean, difficult conversations, massively, we avoid them.

So are we even having them?

We put them off, they become bigger than they need to be.

And I like to think about it in a way, if you're not having hard conversations, then I'd question how healthy is that relationship?

Because you're going to go through so many different situations in life.

You're going to, you need to have those hard conversations.

So if you're not having it, what is it costing you?

So you're not saying what you mean.

Is it that you're not progressing in your career because you don't want to ask that pay rise?

You don't know how to negotiate.

Is it that you're becoming resentful in your romantic relationship?

So first thing, with difficult conversations, I think we don't have them enough.

That's the first thing.

Second thing, my rule is think about the outcome and let's work backwards.

If you know what you want to achieve from that conversation, we can Actually, then reverse engineer it.

If you're going into it and you're so focused on yourself, you're so focused on the apprehension, you're so focused on what they're going to say and how they're going to react, then nine times out of 10, it's not going to land very well.

So actually, let's think about what's the outcome?

What's the positive intention of you having that hard conversation?

Okay, I want to progress.

Okay.

I don't want the resentment to build up.

I want to have a loving relationship.

So actually, if we think about the outcome first, we can then work backwards.

I find that very interesting, actually, because you talk about working backwards, but don't you think that's rather manipulative?

Or, I mean, in a relationship it might work, but what if the other person's not communicating back?

Yeah, definitely.

So, first of all, there's a difference between being manipulative and being able to influence.

And I think the art of communicating really well is always a game of influencing.

And with influencing, there's a deep level of respect for the way you think, the way you feel, as well as the way you think and you feel.

And there's a mutual respect.

And you're not trying to force your opinion, your viewpoint, what you think is right or wrong onto somebody else.

There is an understanding.

It doesn't mean there's an agreement.

And I think often with communicating, and when a message lands well, we think if both parties agree, great, it was a great conversation.

No, you need that difference of opinion.

Manipulation is a whole different ball game.

Very, very toxic.

And we can do it on lots of different levels.

We can be a great communicator, and we can still do it in certain situations.

But manipulation comes with a lot of underhandedness, a lot of force as well.

So there is a difference between the two.

When you ask the question, okay, what about if somebody else isn't communicating?

Let's talk about difficult people.

We all tend to have a default when things get tough, when things get stressful, and that changes the way we communicate.

So I like to think about it in two ways.

Think about you communicating when things are going well, right?

That's your default style.

That's where you really shine.

Maybe you're really clear, maybe you're really empathetic.

Maybe you're great at being able to bring a vision to life and tell a story.

Great for all of us.

Our communication will shift when we move into any sort of tense situation.

Stressful, maybe if something's new, the Way we communicate will shift.

So if, for example, you are communicating with somebody that is not communicating, they're shutting down, they're withdrawing, there's a few things you want to think about.

Okay.

There's only so far you can go if someone doesn't want to speak.

One, how valuable is that relationship and how important is it?

I had a conversation with somebody yesterday and they said, I'm just not going to have the hard conversation because it's not worth it.

And I got them to explain, okay, well who's this person?

Is this relationship important in your life?

Is it a day to day relationship?

Do you have to interact with them on a regular basis?

And actually the answer was no.

So I'm not a believer that we need to communicate in every situation about every single thought and address every hard conversation.

But if somebody, if this is a conversation worth having and somebody shutting you down or withdrawing, two things.

One, I would give them a little bit of space because usually their threat response has kicked in.

So they're shutting down because that feels safer.

It feels safer for them not to say anything.

They've probably grown up not knowing how to communicate their feelings.

If they say something, they may be worried about the repercussions.

The second thing is learning how to call it out in an empathetic way.

So being able to say, hey, I'm noticing when I'm sharing this, you're actually not responding or you haven't got anything to say.

This is important because at X, Y, Z, I'd love us to be able to have a conversation about it.

But I think remove the expectation that they're going to be able to do it in the moment.

So I think there are a couple of things like really bear in mind,.

I find that very interesting because another thing you say is, you know, you talk about what it's costing you when you pick politeness over honesty.

Yes.

And you've really got to think about what it's costing you.

The cost is usually a lot more when it comes to personal relationships, perhaps more than career.

Most definitely.

Do you think there's a pattern in this type of communication?

As in if you are in a relationship and your significant other is using communication effectively, but the other person has found a manipulative way to like either shut down or reject what they're saying.

And what would one do then?

So it's almost like when you come to a stalemate.

Yes.

And you can't move forward.

You're so right.

And I always think romantic relationships, also friendships as well, by the way.

And family and I like to talk about all of them.

But let's focus on romantic relationships.

I also was in a long term relationship where we didn't communicate well at all.

And actually in that era of my life, I didn't know how to speak up.

I didn't know how to actually really voice what was important to me.

And I was also so worried that if I did, I'd be perceived as difficult.

Now, the person on the receiving end was a pro at silent treatment and not speaking and would just dismiss things so things didn't get spoken about.

I'm a really, really big believer.

People can change, but you're the only person that can decide that.

So in a romantic relationship, are we going to need to work on communicating?

For sure.

Is it likely that both of you are going to come into that relationship with very different blueprints, very different communication styles, very different perceptions of the world?

Yes.

Even if you're really super aligned on lots of things.

But there has to be some sort of give from both sides.

And I say this even to all of my coaching clients.

I can only ever coach them.

But we need to be aware of like where those tough, difficult conversations, if it gets to a stalemate, again, call it out, address it, put it on the table.

Especially if you're in a romantic relationship.

Because I'm going to take a guess or make an assumption here that that relationship's important to you.

You're in it whether it's a year or whether it's five years.

So you're going to have to be able to like work out.

And where's that middle ground?

My biggest, I guess, piece of advice here is both of you need to play ball.

Both of you need to be willing to adapt and do something differently.

However, there's going to come a point that if you're on the receiving end of silent treatment as an example, or if it constantly is staying in stalemate and there's no give at all, then it's going to raise a bigger question of is this relationship for me?

So where do you set the boundaries?

I love this.

Yeah, definitely.

And I think important, anybody listening as well, is I want you to ask yourself, are you quite clear on what your boundaries actually are?

And there's different types of boundaries and I think that helps actually categorize them.

I usually get a question from people, Amir.

I don't even know where to start with setting my boundaries.

I don't even know what they are.

So before you even think about communicating them, spend some time actually thinking, okay, well, I'll give you the categories because I think it makes it a lot easier.

There's time, boundaries.

So how do you like to use your time and how do you allow other people to use it?

I had a conversation with one of my friends recently.

She gave me this great example.

She gets inundated a lot with like meetings, people want coffees, chats, and she's like, I can't meet everybody, otherwise I'm never going to be able to do my actual job.

And so she has a boundary of send me through your agenda, send me through your proposal, I'll have a look and if it's aligned, I'll get back to you.

If you don't hear from me, just take it as though it was a no this time.

That is a great example of her knowing how she's willing to use her time and where she's not willing to say yes to everything.

So time's one boundary, material.

So material is your things.

How do you feel about your friends borrowing your items?

How do you feel about lending money?

So material is very much like your things, your possessions.

You've got your emotional boundaries, so your feelings, how you feel about things, your thoughts, expressing them.

Sexual boundaries very much does what it says on the tin.

And then also your intellectual boundary.

So really about your thoughts and how you think about things.

So spend some time, first of all actually understanding where's my like line?

What am I not willing to accept?

And then you can start to think about, okay, well how do I communicate that in a relationship?

I always use my husband and I as an example because we have completely different communication styles.

But from like a value point of view, we think quite similarly.

We have very similar values, we're pretty aligned, but we have very different ways of how we go about things.

So we're constantly in a dialogue.

And what we've had to learn over time is I've had to learn to give him a little bit of more, more space and time to reflect and think things through.

And he knows my brain works really quickly, so he's got to give me that space and that time as well.

So when it comes to your boundaries, you have to also be willing to know what are your hard stops, what are your non negotiable.

So spend some time reflecting on that first.

The second thing is don't do what I did when I first started, like communicating my boundaries.

I was really, really harsh with them.

They were inflexible, they weren't rigid, they wouldn't move.

And that's not healthy for Any relationship either.

So you also need to have a little bit of flexibility and don't make them so porous that you say it and then you go back on it.

But see if you can find that middle ground of, okay, this is my boundary, this is why this is important to me.

Explain it to the other person and see where it lands.

Especially in a romantic relationship, it's not one conversation and you're both going to find that sweet spot.

Okay, so from what I understand, this communication thing takes two people.

The other person has to be willing, at least to a certain extent, to communicate, but it's all about how you deliver the message to them.

So when we talk about influence, persuasion and manipulation on a spectrum in the using communication, could there be a way to like coax someone into coming on your side if you're having a conversation or if you're in a relationship using your communication style?

Because in the beginning of this conversation you mentioned, like, obviously you said the way you start is you have to know what your results, what results you want to achieve.

And I talked about, yeah, it's a bit manipulative, but if I was going to do that, could you give me a step by step how that would happen?

Yeah, definitely.

So interesting.

Even when you said, are you going to coax someone?

Because also that gives me that energy of like, I'm trying to manipulate that person.

But let's use me and my husband as an example.

Because it's your romantic.

It's my romantic relationship.

We have different ways of thinking.

I know.

As an example, let's actually go to the outcome.

Okay, so we've got a certain conversation when I say outcome as well.

Not even what do I want for myself out of it, but what do I want for us out of the conversation.

And this goes as well for any work situation as well.

If you're going to go and have a conversation about your pay rise, if you're going to go and give feedback as an example, why are you bothering to have that conversation?

And what I want you to try and think about when I say think about the outcome is not just about yourself.

What is, what's the greater good?

What's the benefit for the other person as well as yourself?

And that's the difference then in terms of influencing.

And this is where it's really different.

You're so right.

We focus so much on what we say, but how we say it is really important.

Now the art of influencing is get out of your own head, stop thinking about how you want to receive information and how you want to deliver it and actually think about the other person.

So with my husband, I will always think I can share an idea with him.

Okay.

There's, like, renovations in the house we want to do.

I'm pretty results driven.

I work really fast.

I've already got a list of things, and I basically just want him to agree to it.

Okay.

But I also want us to brainstorm, actually, and redesign a few bits together.

Me being able to influence him, not to coax him around to my way of thinking, but so that we're on the same page and he can see that, yeah, this is a priority right now for us in our life.

I need to think about how does he want to receive information, what's important to him, and how am I almost going to sell that message to him?

And that's what's the difference here.

So I know he needs time, space to think about it.

I know he values our home and it's important to him.

So rather than me bombard him with my list, what I want him to do and how I want him to do it, I'm going to pose the idea to him and then I'm going to give him time and space to think about it and say, hey, when you've had time to think about it, can you come back and let me know, like, how you want to do this?

So I've still got my goal, I've still got the thing we want to work on, but I'm not forcing or manipulating him into my way of doing it.

That's the difference.

Okay, so you are.

Let me get this straight.

You are talking to him.

You're not forcing or manipulating him, but you know what the end goal is?

Yeah.

And you kind of focus on the end goal, meanwhile trying to get him to see it from your point of view.

So to change that last bit ever so slightly, rather than him trying to get him to see it from my perspective, I'm thinking about what does he value and what's important to him.

So in terms of.

Let's go back to when you said do it by step by step.

First thing is going into that conversation where I want to influence someone, what am I trying to influence?

What's the goal here?

Okay, so that's your first step.

Second thing is stop thinking about yourself and ask yourself, how does the other person like to receive information?

Do they like detail?

Do they like to think things through?

Do they want to know the result and actually what we're going to achieve here?

Do they want to feel excited and passionate about this project, think about that person.

Then your third step is you need to adapt how you're positioning that message according to the way they want to receive it.

So my husband likes detail, likes time to think things through, wants to weigh things up.

So I joke, and I was doing a leadership session recently, and I used him as my example.

He gets used everywhere.

And I talked about we were going on holiday and he was researching for new luggage.

I've already made a decision, like, we can buy these suitcases.

He spent two weeks researching it.

Now he's better at those things because he'll take the time.

He's well thought through and to be fair, will end up with better suitcases than what I would choose because I would rather just make a quick decision.

So here, in terms of when you're influencing, your third step is really incredibly crucial because you need to adapt to the other person.

You need to stop thinking about you and actually think, what do they need?

It might not be on your terms, it might not be exactly how you wanted it, but there'll be some sort of middle ground where you've been able to influence their approach or how they're doing it.

But I guess the danger in relationships and in life is you kind of end up agreeing with them all the time and you never get your needs met.

What about that?

So agreeing all the time is not healthy either.

And so if you are in any relationship and you feel like your needs aren't being met, my challenge to you is I'm gonna guess you're staying silent or you're withdrawing or you're feeling like you shouldn't, or you can't speak up.

So your lesson here is, where's this coming from?

Because usually that's a learned behavior.

So you've learned somewhere along the line, maybe in multiple situations and dynamics, but most definitely from growing up, that it's better for me to stay quiet.

It's better for me to not actually address what I need.

Maybe I view it as selfish.

Maybe I don't want to be seen as too much.

So first of all, understand where that's coming from.

Second thing now is I need to challenge you.

We're going to have to start to break that cycle.

So where can you do it?

In really small ways that doesn't feel like you're shocking your nervous system.

You don't feel like this is going to be the end of the world if I speak up and use my voice.

But where can you almost test that?

I've got a client, actually, who we're doing this in real time.

And even in our last call, their husband played back and said, oh, you wouldn't normally say anything in this situation.

And they're like, yeah, practicing.

And I'm trying to work on this.

And it's also because the longer that goes on, the longer you don't get your needs met or you don't learn how to speak up, the more that resentment or that frustration or even like your self worth is going to get chipped away at.

So if you feel like your needs aren't being met, the challenge here is know that that's probably a learned behavior.

It's not who you are.

You can change it.

But in order to do it differently, start really small.

So where's like your safe relationship?

So even let's say you're not speaking up in your romantic relationship, do you have friends where you've got really good healthy dynamics where you can actually practice that and think about could be something as simple as you're out for a meal with your friends and you're splitting the bill but you didn't drink so you want to pay a little bit less.

That's your needs, that's your boundary.

Just being able to voice that with your friends and saying, hey guys, when we split the bill, can I pay a little bit less because I wasn't drinking today?

That's a really good example of you being able to use your voice in a situation that feels safe so that you can then replicate it in your relationship.

Okay, so one thing you also say is it all begins with how we talk to ourselves.

So what's the link between inner dialogue and, and how we show up in life in general?

In any situation?

In most situations, yeah.

Beautiful question.

The longest, most important conversation you're ever going to have in your life is the one with yourself.

You're in a dialogue is running on autopilot.

Whether you realize it or not, that comes from your deep subconscious that has been programmed from a really, really young age.

So the beautiful thing I like to say is we've got the power to retrain our self talk because at the moment, if yours in terms of making this link, if yours is mean, if it is nasty, if it is super critical, and I always say my community are overachievers, overthinkers, over givers.

So if you're sitting in that overachiever category, it's one of your strengths.

But I'm going to take a guess that you're in a dialogue.

Think about it as like Alexa playing on in the background is super critical.

Is mean when you make a mistake feels like you should have done.

XYZ really falls into that trap of beating yourself up if that's your track that plays on autopilot.

When you go and show up in different situations, whether it's work, whether it's friends, whether it's family, it's going to be really difficult for you to show up confidently because the record that's on repeat is feeding you a story that you've done this wrong.

This isn't good enough.

You don't have anything to say.

You should know better.

This should be perfect.

So how can you possibly feel confident, articulate your ideas, express what you need, when that inner dialogue is almost dictating how you behave, what you believe, and how you show up?

And I always say you want to shift it more into a compassionate dialog.

If you spoke to your friends the way your inner dialogue speaks to you, would you have any friends?

Yeah, you're right.

You're right.

But yet we are like our biggest critical person.

And so that negative dialogue.

And again, it's different for everybody, of course, and it's come from lots of different influences, and that's built up over time.

But the more we repeat it, the more our brain believes that.

So our job is to rewire that.

Wow, that's very profound.

So if someone was.

I'm thinking of my inner dialogue right now.

Yeah.

And I grew up with one where it had to be perfect.

You couldn't make a mistake.

And I always say, super sad, but I don't think I made a mistake really, until I built business.

Yeah.

So would you say to someone listening or watching this, the first place they should start is with themselves always like,.

Oh, I mean, I feel like Emma Green's book now speaks to this really, really well.

Okay, yes, start with yourself.

But that is my starting point with every single client, no matter what they come to me with, no matter what area of their communication or relationship, we're working on it.

If we don't at least look at you first and understand the way you talk about yourself, how you see your identity, your belief system that supports that, then I can give you all the practical tips and tools and techniques in the book.

But they won't stick.

They won't work.

You won't actually shift your behavior when.

You talk about how people feel about themselves and how it affects how they communicate?

Yeah, I think people don't see that.

Because when I think about it, you know, it could be something like, maybe you're in a dialogue to yourself.

Could be Something as simple as I'm not good enough or I'm ugly or.

And you might think that doesn't affect the way I communicate, but I guess everything, every negative thought you have about yourself kind of affects the way you communicate on the outside.

Definitely.

And I'm going to give you a live client example because I think this will be so helpful and bring to life what you've just said.

One of my clients has that inner dialogue around.

I'm an imposter.

I don't know enough, I'm not experienced enough, I shouldn't be here.

Join the group.

Right.

Like we live and breathe it.

And my inner dialogue was always second guessing myself.

Yeah.

Now, in terms of how that's impacting how they show up, they're in a new role, new team, new business at a really senior level.

They're walking into meetings at the moment where they're undermining themselves in every conversation because they don't believe that they should be there.

And exactly, as you said, usually comes back, not always, but usually comes back to not feeling worthy enough, not feeling enough.

And so they're using language that softens their ideas.

Sometimes they're staying quiet in meetings when actually they're the expert in the room.

And so when we start to realize, oh, the way I view and view myself, feel about myself and talk to myself actually directly links to whether I share my ideas, whether I'm actually showing my expertise or whether I'm adding value in a room, then we start to say, oh, okay, well, actually those words over here are probably the most important I need to think about.

Yeah, the conversation's getting really juicy, so let's squeeze some more juice out of that orange because when you were talking about that, I started thinking and I think something we have to talk about a bit is women, women in the workplace, you know, just trying to feel seen, trying to feel listened to.

Yes.

Trying to take charge, trying to take control of a situation.

And there can be a lot of passive aggression going on in work, corporate work situations or in most work situations between both sexes.

Yeah.

And how does one handle that?

I'm thinking about so many conversations that have come up this year, especially around International Women's Day, around this.

My belief, first of all, is I would love for women to stop trying to be like men because we're not.

We also almost have a different playbook, especially in the workspace.

And I think where we sometimes fall down is we overdo the assertiveness.

Like assertiveness is healthy.

I want us to get out of our head that assertiveness is rude.

No, it's not.

Assertiveness is respectful.

It's direct.

It's clear.

It's being mindful about your viewpoint and somebody else's.

It's being able to challenge the status quo without it feeling like it's the most stressful situation that you're going to end up in.

But sometimes I think as women, we almost overdo that and it does us a disservice.

So let's also understand the context of being female and being a woman, first of all.

Secondly, rather than feeling like we have to fight against louder voices in the room or louder male voices, I would like us to start thinking about what's the impact we can add.

So sometimes it will be something as simple as landing your 13 thought in that meeting.

Doesn't mean you need to lead.

It doesn't mean that you need to have 10 ideas that meet in, but what's the impact that you can make?

And with one of my clients recently, only female in the room, in a boardroom of I think 10 other men, and the conversation was going a certain way and all they did was ask one question, one question, and it completely changed the dynamic of that conversation.

And somebody didn't like it and they got a little bit antsy about it, a little bit aggy, and then somebody else actually challenged it and really came around to her way of thinking and all she did was ask a really incredible question at exactly the right moment and it changed the dynamic of the conversation.

So I know as well as females, I think we can get called bossy.

We can get called aggressive, especially like in workplace dynamics.

And almost it comes to, to this like, to and fro and okay, well, if I'm too nice, I'm not assertive enough.

And then when I feel like I'm being assertive, I'm rude, aggressive, or mean to work with.

So it almost feels sometimes like we can't win.

So that's why I almost want us to come back to what's our superpower.

You don't have to over talk and you don't have to communicate in a way that a man can communicate because we could do the exact same thing.

And for a man, it'll be like amazing.

Let's applaud him.

Absolutely.

So look at that wonderful leadership.

If a female does it and doesn't have the right tone or doesn't look a certain way because of the way we where we're at in society and how we've grown up, that's going to Be looked at in a negative way.

So I don't want you to lose your power, but I want you to think about impact rather than I've got to be the loudest, I've got to talk the most, actually.

How can I share my viewpoint, express my view and add impact and be clear with it more than anything else?

Talking about the workplace and male female relationships, but what about female female relationships?

Because I think most of the females I know have problems at work with women more than they do with men, actually.

I think it's so fair and I've definitely been there.

I would say I've had stronger relationship with my male colleagues than I have with my females.

What's going on there?

Why is that always.

There's always tension between women in the workplace.

I always attribute this to a lack mindset in terms of feeling like we have to make it and if we make it, nobody else can make it.

And that it takes almost something away from us or takes our shine away from us.

Whereas actually, if we can create a little bit more space to celebrate each other and actually band together that energy and also shifting into that abundance mindset means there's enough for all of us to succeed.

There's enough for everything to go around.

I think naturally in a workspace.

I'm really generalizing here, but where that competitiveness creeps in, it can almost feel like only I can climb the ladder or only I can get to this next spot.

And if you're doing well, then what does that say about me?

Whereas actually, if we shift into this energy where we can clap for each other, where we can really celebrate each other, it's only actually going to magnify our win.

If you feel it and you feel it within that female dynamic, then I want to say call it out.

Not, hey, I think you're being passive aggressive, what's the problem?

But saying it in a way.

You shared this and I'm noticing it.

It feels like XYZ or it sounds like you're not quite happy about this.

Is that how you're feeling?

Because if somebody's being passive aggressive, especially like female to female, they like nine times out of 10, they don't know how to communicate assertively.

So they're doing it in an indirect way because they don't know how to address it with you.

So you can address it and bring it out without almost coming down to their passive aggressive level.

So there's so many things we're talking about here and I know you've got a blueprint for this so if I told you in like if you gave me bullet points on how the blueprint would work, what would you say to someone listening like, where should they start?

Bang, bang, bang.

We've said this already.

Start with yourself.

The most important thing is actually tune in.

If you do nothing else but you do this one thing for the next two weeks, I'll be super happy.

Make a note every single day of the negative things you say to yourself.

Now you're going to have to work hard in this two weeks.

I have lots of them.

Lots, lots.

Okay, so we're going to start right?

And that's where I want you guys to start.

Then once you do that and you've almost got like your catalog, then your second part of that is being able to reframe it.

The only thing I'll say just very quickly on this, but it's important is when you're reframing that negative self talk, don't try and go for the most extreme example.

So if for example, you are second guessing yourself and feeling like I don't know enough, I'm never going to know enough.

I don't really feel like I should be here.

Don't reframe that into something like I'm the best thing since sliced bread.

I definitely deserve to be here because it's so far from how you feel.

There's a real disconnect.

So I just need you to reframe it in a way that's slightly more helpful.

I'm learning to hold space in my new role.

I'm learning that I deserve to use my voice.

And that real piece around I'm learning helps you almost transition through that piece.

So step one, your negative self talk, how you speak to yourself.

That will also give you a great window into like your belief system where you stopping yourself and what needs reframing.

First thing.

Second thing, know your dominant communication style.

Do you like to be results focused?

Get straight to the point?

Are you very visionary, can bring people along the journey?

Like know how you like to communicate.

Because you also need to know what your strengths are.

You equally need to know what your blind spots are.

Third thing, learn how to adapt.

Communicating is so much about the other person and so many of us are thinking about ourselves.

Fourth thing, you have to manage your emotions is a massive skill.

So many of us don't know whether you are withdrawing, shutting down, getting out of the situation as fast as you can because it feels too intense and it feels too much or you're getting defensive and absolutely blowing up.

None of those are Helpful reactions.

Whether you are leading a team, whether you're in a relationship, whether you are navigate in a hard situation with your family.

If we don't learn how to manage our emotions and regulate them, you're going to find it almost impossible to communicate healthily.

It sounds like a lot of this has to do with talking, from just being honest with yourself in your communication with people and not being afraid.

And it's tough, right?

Yeah.

Holding on, being emotional at the same time.

Yeah.

And it's nuanced as well, because as much as the podcast is called Open up, and I'm all about, okay, find your voice, let's find your authenticity, let's open up and be vulnerable.

Everything I say or teach or preach, there's always nuance around it and there's context.

So think about your situation.

I always want you to, like, listen to episode, listen to this conversation and think, okay, what's the one thing I can take out of it that's relevant for me?

They're listening or they're watching and they want to find you.

Where can they find you?

So Instagram.

Hecommunication expert.

LinkedIn.

Amiramansa.

Yeah.

By the way, I love that name, communication expert.

I think I need some communication skills myself.

I'm here.

We good?

We.

We're all good.

Yeah.

So I wanted to ask you something.

You've said you're not broken, you're not here to be fixed, and you like to ask clients, what do you do for joy?

And they often can't answer.

If a listener takes one small thing from this episode and actually does it this week, what would you want it to be?

I'm going to be naughty and say two things.

My first thing, the way you communicate or how well you communicate is not a personality trait.

So stop telling yourself.

I'm bad at communicating.

I hate presenting.

I'm so nervous.

I've got nothing to say.

I have no good ideas.

It's a skill and you can learn it.

You're not born with it.

It is not a personality trait.

So please, let's get out of that mindset.

Second thing, if you are not aware of the way you speak to yourself, then nothing else can change.

So if there is only one thing you do, I want you to strengthen.

Strengthen the way that you speak to yourself, because you're doing yourself and the world around you a disservice by discrediting yourself, by not speaking up in rooms.

And whether you believe it or not, right now, the world needs you, your unique blueprint and your voice.

So I want you to start there and see if you can hold up the mirror and be super aware, because when you are, then we've got the ability to shift it.

Wow.

That is so, so, so profound.

I could.

I mean, I could go on with this conversation forever and ever and ever.

So I think you've definitely got to come back on the show, and then we can do some more practical stuff.

And maybe I need some communication expert.

You know, we all need to level up.

Right.

Because we all have a blind spot.

So I'm always here for it.

Yeah.

Thank you so much for coming on the show, Amira.

Thank you.

Thank you for having me.

And, guys, if you want to find Amira, she's just slept at the underscore.

At the underscore.

Communication expert.

And until next time, checking out from always off the record.