Shownotes
Do you know how to actually help your queer kid through a breakup, or are you using advice built for straight relationships?
Both of Heather's daughters went through breakups within a month of each other this year, and it revealed just how underprepared she was to support them the way she wanted to. This episode debunks the most common and most dangerous stereotypes about queer relationships, walks through documented research on same-sex relationship stressors and abuse, and gives you language to open the door with your kid without prying.
In this episode you'll learn how to:
- Recognize the couple-level stressors unique to same-sex relationships that straight couples never have to navigate
- Understand why queer kids may be less likely to tell you if something is wrong, and how to build the kind of trust that changes that
- Know where to point your kid for LGBTQ-competent support if a relationship turns unsafe
Press play to learn how to show up for your kid's relationships, and their heartbreak, with the facts and presence they actually need.
This episode discusses sexual assault and intimate partner violence. If this is a sensitive topic for you personally, The Trevor Project is available for LGBTQ young people at 1-866-488-7386 or by texting START to 678-678.
Here are the other resources mentioned in this episode:
- The Network/La Red — 24/7 hotline specifically for LGBTQIA+ survivors of relationship abuse, 800-832-1901
- FORGE — self-help guides specifically for transgender and nonbinary survivors of interpersonal and sexual violence
- NCAVP (National Coalition of Anti-Violence Programs) — the largest LGBTQ-specific anti-violence coalition in the country, with local member programs you can search by region
- The National Domestic Violence Hotline (thehotline.org, 1-800-799-7233) — not LGBTQ-exclusive, but explicitly trained on LGBTQ-specific abuse dynamics, which is important since it's the most recognizable number and some kids will already know it.
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Transcripts
In today's episode, you'll learn how to really support your queer kid through a breakup.
Speaker A:And spoiler, this is not your regular breakup advice.
Speaker A:Welcome to More Human, More Kind, the podcast for parents of LGBTQ kids and anyone trying to stay human in a world that keeps hardening.
Speaker A:I'm Heather Hester, and here we talk about three fear, belonging, boundaries, courage, love, and what it means to protect what matters without losing yourself in the process.
Speaker A:Your child doesn't just need a parent who's informed.
Speaker A:They need a parent who is grounded and strong.
Speaker A:Let's take a breath and let's begin.
Speaker A:Welcome to More Human More Kind.
Speaker A:I'm Heather Hester.
Speaker A:Earlier this year, both of my girls broke up with the people they had been dating within about a month of each other.
Speaker A:There were, of course, differences in the length of time each couple had been together as well as the stage of life each of them were in.
Speaker A:And there were similarities too.
Speaker A:It was both of their first serious relationship, and both girls had worked hard to communicate and encourage communication and their respective relationships.
Speaker A:So today we're talking about dating, relationships and breakups and why supporting a queer kid through heartbreak requires information or knowledge that a parent of a straight kid never has to think about.
Speaker A:By the end of this episode, you will be able to debunk the most common stereotypes about queer dating and relationships, including the most dangerous one, that same sex relationships don't experience abuse.
Speaker A:You'll be able to understand the real documented rates of sexual assault and intimate partner violence in same sex relationships and why your kid may be less likely to tell you if something is wrong.
Speaker A:And you'll be able to know the basics of how to open the door to a conversation about your kid's relationship without prying and where to point them if something turns unsafe.
Speaker A:So why are we talking about this today?
Speaker A:Why am I telling you this?
Speaker A:Well, like so many things on this fabulous journey, I didn't realize how under resourced and unprepared I was to really help Connor or Grace through a breakup.
Speaker A:I want to start today's conversation with common stereotypes about queer dating and debunk each of them because doing so helps make the path more clear.
Speaker A:Hang in there because you'll see what I mean in just a minute.
Speaker A:So, first stereotype is that gay men's relationships are inherently non monogamous or just casual by default.
Speaker A:I referenced this study in last Week's episode, the 12 Year Gottman Institute study of gay and lesbian relationships and couples that found that relationship satisfaction and quality were comparable to that of straight couples.
Speaker A:And that gay and lesbian couples actually approached conflict with more humor and warmth and less domineering or controlling behavior than heterosexual couples.
Speaker A:And this is evidence of relationship investment and stability, not casualness.
Speaker A:The second stereotype is that same sex relationships don't experience domestic violence or abuse.
Speaker A:Again, we did cover this a little bit in last Tuesday's episode, but I really thought it was worth revisiting.
Speaker A:The CDC's National Intimate Partner and Sexual Violence Survey found close to 60% of both lesbian women and gay men report experiencing sexual violence in their lifetime.
Speaker A:And this is compared with 53% of heterosexual women and 29% of heterosexual men.
Speaker A:Same sex relationships aren't just as vulnerable to abuse.
Speaker A:The documented rates are actually higher.
Speaker A:The third stereotype is that a queer kid's breakup is less significant or less real than a straight kid's.
Speaker A: A: Speaker A:If anything, the research suggests that breakups are harder to move through, not easier.
Speaker A:4.
Speaker A:Queer dating is basically the same as straight dating, so it doesn't need orientation specific guidance.
Speaker A:False.
Speaker A:We've already said this is false, but here's why.
Speaker A: A: Speaker A:Stressors that simply don't exist other than in same sex research because they don't apply to straight couples.
Speaker A:That's a documented structural difference, not a stereotype.
Speaker A:I found this incredibly fascinating and wanted to share the whole list with you.
Speaker A:So here it is.
Speaker A:This is just kind of a quick two to three sentence description of each one, but bookmark this spot so you can come back to it later too, because I'm going to really kind of quickly give you a lot of information here.
Speaker A:And again, these are couple level minority stressors that are unique to same sex relationships.
Speaker A:The first is experiences of rejection, devaluation and discrimination being treated differently or devalued by others specifically for being a same sex couple.
Speaker A:The second is fears of rejection, devaluation and discrimination, anticipating the aforementioned treatment before it even happens.
Speaker A:The third is consequences of unequal legal recognition, structural or legal disadvantages tied to the same sex relationship itself.
Speaker A:The fourth is hiding the same sex relationship, concealing it completely, sometimes even from people who know one of the partners is gay the fifth is internalized stigma, devaluing one's own relationship or feeling conflict between the relationship and other parts of identity like faith.
Speaker A:The sixth is coming out as a couple, the ongoing task of disclosing the relationship, not just the individual orientation and or identity, to new people repeatedly.
Speaker A:Number seven is seeking safety and community, researching which places cities or countries are safe to live in or travel to as a couple.
Speaker A:Eight Is not being perceived as a couple being read as roommates, siblings or friends instead.
Speaker A:Nine is having children or not the added complexity of adoption, surrogacy or donor logistics as a same sex couple.
Speaker A:Ten Is navigating benefits for same sex couples having to prove the relationship is legitimate for insurance, employment, et cetera.
Speaker A:11.
Speaker A:Limitations to participation in family, being excluded from family events as a couple or allowed to attend only alone.
Speaker A:12 Is managing stereotypes about what same sex couples are like, correcting assumptions like quote which one's the man?
Speaker A:13.
Speaker A:Feeling public scrutiny, being stared at or gawked at in public spaces.
Speaker A:14.
Speaker A:Terminology regarding relationships lacking words that fit boyfriend, girlfriend, partner, spouse, etc.
Speaker A:Most relationship language is heteronormative by default.
Speaker A:15.
Speaker A:Exclusion from social support friends and family not offering the same practical or emotional support they'd give a struggling straight couple.
Speaker A:16.
Speaker A:Lack of role models There are very few modeled examples for what a healthy same sex relationship looks like or how it's supposed to work.
Speaker A:And finally 17 negotiating gender roles there's no default script for who does what what without the traditional male female framework.
Speaker A:It's worth noting that the study found familial contexts were where the majority of these stressors showed up most often, much more than workplace, public or even legal or institutional settings.
Speaker A:And I have one more potential stereotype that I want to place an asterisk on because it's a phrase that has been floating around my house the past year and it popped up in my research as well.
Speaker A:It's the phrase u haul lesbians and it's thrown around to insinuate that queer women's relationships move too fast and that they're a joke rather than something to take seriously?
Speaker A:Grace and I discussed this at length the other day and I and decided that I should mention this to inspire some field research.
Speaker A:Have you heard this phrase and has it been in the same context that it is used to insinuate that queer women's relationships move too fast, that they're a joke rather than something to be taken seriously?
Speaker A:Ask your kids if they've heard this phrase and if so, how they would define it.
Speaker A:I'm genuinely curious about this, so email me with what you find out.
Speaker A:Moving on to understand the real documented rates of sexual assault and intimate partner violence in the same sex relationships and why your kid may be less likely to tell you if something is wrong.
Speaker A:These statistics are graphic, so if you are not in a place where you can hear them, fast forward about 60 seconds.
Speaker A:The CDC's National Intimate Partner in Sexual Violence survey found close to 60% of both lesbian women and gay men report experiencing sexual violence in their lifetime.
Speaker A:Approximately one in four of gay and bisexual men report being raped in their lifetime, and roughly one in four report being made to penetrate someone else.
Speaker A:I want to be clear that this is a form of sexual violence with almost no public awareness or vocabulary.
Speaker A:These are the things we need to be talking about and bringing awareness to.
Speaker A:And I wanted to name it clearly and directly so your son has language for it if it ever happens to him.
Speaker A:Approximately 44% of lesbian women report lifetime intimate partner violence and more than one in four report being raped in their lifetime.
Speaker A:Bisexual women report the highest rates of any group measured.
Speaker A:Bisexual kids are so often left out of gay versus straight framing entirely.
Speaker A:So why does all of this matter for parents, for all of us specifically?
Speaker A:Well, there's several reasons, and all involve understanding what our children are experiencing so we can become more informed.
Speaker A:Our kids are facing smaller dating pools, less institutional support, which means fewer domestic violence resources, and less cultural permission to name my partner hurt me when the relationship itself already required courage to be out publicly.
Speaker A:Kids may be less likely to tell you if something was wrong precisely because coming out already felt like using up one of their hard conversations.
Speaker A:And finally, I want you to know the basics of how to open the door to a conversation about your kid's relationship without prying, and where to point them if something turns out to be unsafe.
Speaker A:So here's how you can open the door without demanding details.
Speaker A:The most relevant research here is Kerr and Statin's parental monitoring studies.
Speaker A:Their finding was actually rather counterintuitive.
Speaker A:The thing that predicts parents actually knowing what's going on in a teen's life isn't surveillance or direct questioning.
Speaker A:It's voluntary disclosure.
Speaker A:And disclosure is driven almost entirely by how warm, non controlling and trustworthy the parent child relationship feels to the teen.
Speaker A:This is the key phrase how warm, non controlling and trustworthy that relationship between you and your child feels to them.
Speaker A:Interrogating for details tends to reduce disclosure over time, not increase it.
Speaker A:The goal isn't a better question.
Speaker A:It's a relationship the kid wants to volunteer information into.
Speaker A:So how do you create this?
Speaker A:Well first you can frame check ins around feelings rather than facts.
Speaker A:How does this relationship feel to be in versus what do you two do together?
Speaker A:Second, normalize checking in on all relationships the same way so a queer relationship isn't singled out for extra scrutiny.
Speaker A:We which can itself read as suspicion.
Speaker A:And third, make clear there's no wrong answer including I don't want to talk about this yet since demanding an answer defeats the purpose of asking gently in the first place.
Speaker A:All right, so second, we're going to get into some of the red flags that are specific to same sex relationships.
Speaker A:There is a strong research base for this one.
Speaker A: A: Speaker A:Isolation from LGBTQ community specifically, not just isolation from friends generally, was also identified as a distinct tactic researchers called identity abuse also separate from general isolation because it cuts a person off from the one place they might find validation or an outside perspective on the relationship.
Speaker A:Other tactics or red flags worth naming since they didn't have straight relationship equivalence are withholding or interfering with HIV or HIV preventative medication, controlling access to gender affirming care or hormones, and weaponizing internalized shame.
Speaker A:The kid may already carry about their identity and three Here is where you can point them for LGBTQ competent support and I will have these linked in the show notes so don't worry about writing them down madly right now.
Speaker A:The first is called the network Lared.
Speaker A:It's a 247 hotline specifically for LGBTQ survivors of relationship abuse.
Speaker A:The second is Forge.
Speaker A:These are self help guides specifically for transgender and non binary survivors of interpersonal and sexual violence.
Speaker A:The third is ncavp, the National Coalition of Anti Violence Programs, which is the largest LGBTQ specific anti violence coalition in the country.
Speaker A: -: Speaker A:This one is not LGBTQ exclusive, but they are explicitly trained on LGBTQ specific abuse dynamics, which is important since it's the most recognizable number and kids may already know it.
Speaker A:I want to be clear about why this list matters.
Speaker A:Mainstream domestic violence resources were built around a male abuser female victim model and don't always recognize outing, identity based coercion or same sex abuse dynamics, which is part of why LGBTQ survivors under report and under Use general purpose hotlines.
Speaker A:I'm offering a few reflection questions again for you today in this human moment segment that I will go through and answer to like I did last week, because I again, I want to reiterate that it is impossible for us to know everything always.
Speaker A:So the first question is, is there a moment with one of your kids, relationships or breakups where you realized you did not know how to help the way you thought you would?
Speaker A:And my answer is, yes, definitely.
Speaker A:With Grace, I realized how much I didn't know and that during the breakup was not the time to ask her questions.
Speaker A:I wanted to be able to hold the space for her, to be there for her, to be present with her and even offer thoughtful advice or responses when she asked for them.
Speaker A:And I, I found that I could do that with Isabel so much easier.
Speaker A:And it just was knowledge that I already had kind of right there.
Speaker A:And it was in those moments, in that time that I realized that there was so much that I wanted to know.
Speaker A:The second question is, what is something you wish you'd known about queer dating dynamics before?
Speaker A:One of my kids started dating.
Speaker A:So one of your kids started dating.
Speaker A:I personally wish I would have known the internal questions that they ask themselves that are different than in heterosexual relationships.
Speaker A:And I wish that I would have understood the prevalence of sexual assault.
Speaker A:The third reflection question is, how do you personally learn to sit with a kid's heartbreak without trying to fix it?
Speaker A:This one fits across the board, across all relationships, all sexualities, all orientations.
Speaker A:I just realized with all four of them that the most important thing I could do was listen, to be present, to offer validation, to not try to fix, which is really hard when they're hurting, right?
Speaker A:To be a kind of their safety tree, their nest, right?
Speaker A:A place for them to feel all of the feelings and say all of the things that they are thinking and going through.
Speaker A:And the fourth is, if your kid came to you today and said a partner had hurt them, what's the very first thing you'd want them to know from you?
Speaker A:And for me, it is that I believe them.
Speaker A:I see their pain and that I will do whatever is needed to help them find support and healing.
Speaker A:You don't have to have already known any of this.
Speaker A:I want you to really be kind to yourself for the gaps that you may only be finding out about today and that you're just beginning to close today.
Speaker A:You can't prepare for what you didn't know existed and be just as kind to your kid.
Speaker A:They are navigating firsts that you can't always see with far less of a script than you had at their age.
Speaker A:Give yourself and them room to be new at this together.
Speaker A:Here's what I want you to know walking into your kid's first real queer heartbreak.
Speaker A:There are facts and nuances in queer relationships that are specific to queer relationships.
Speaker A:Familiarize yourself now so you are prepared and know that at the end of the day your kid just wants to know that you see their relationships as real, that you treat them with the same respect and curiosity that you would your straight kids, and that you are there for them unconditionally.
Speaker A:If this episode moved something in you or created any light bulb moments, share how it made you feel in a review.
Speaker A:This is how we work together to combat all of the harmful narratives that are out there.
Speaker A:I will be back on Friday with specific Butterfly Effect actions you can take.
Speaker A:Until then, continue becoming more human and more kind.
