Shownotes
- Emotional Impact of Estate Planning: Louisa highlights that one of the biggest triggers in estate planning is the shock and sense of unfairness when expectations do not align with the actual decisions made in a will or trust, often causing deep emotional rifts in families.
- The Moveable Goalpost of “Justice”: What feels fair or “just” can change over time as emotions evolve, with initial anger and resentment sometimes turning into a desire for healing and reconnection years later.
- Proactive, Transparent Communication: Open, honest family conversations before decisions become urgent can reduce misunderstandings and diffuse future conflicts, making it easier for everyone to understand the “why” behind asset distribution.
- The Role of Neutral Third Parties: Bringing in a mediator, life coach, or other neutral party can help facilitate difficult conversations, reduce emotional charge, and prevent confrontations from derailing estate planning or legacy discussions.
- Taking Care of Yourself: Louisa emphasizes the importance of self-awareness and acknowledging your own feelings during these processes, as well as being proactive in seeking support rather than resorting to avoidance or denial.
- Personalized Support: Estate planning and family conflict resolution are never “one-size-fits-all”—Louisa customizes her approach for every client and encourages seeking tailored guidance, whether through coaching, mediation, or group support.
Transcripts
Welcome back to another episode of the IRA Cafe podcast. My name is Jasmine, and I am the head of the marketing department at American IRA. Today, I'm going to bring you a guest that's a little bit different, not necessarily an investor or a business person. She's a life coach. Louisa Hext. I'm gonna let you introduce yourself because you're really great at that and you're good at talking. You know yourself better. And I'm super excited to talk to you today.
Jasmine Trocchia [:So hi, Luisa, please introduce yourself to the audience.
Louisa Hext [:Well, hello, Jasmine. What a pleasure to be here. I'm excited. You accepted my pitch, which was to, Hey, maybe your audience would be interested in talking about, areas of potential conflict when they are considering or preparing to plan for wills, estates, and any kind of trust, and also the aftermath or the experience as we go through it, when we've lost a loved one, or we need to make changes, to the will, trust, and estate. So that's what the content is. And I wear two hats, and I want to really share with your audience that there's a distinct difference. I come from a background where I work in family court and also in working in with around civil matters. And so I'm credentialed as a mediator and also a adjudicator and an evaluator.
Louisa Hext [:And so work with individuals who are essentially in conflict and they're trying to get to yes. And typically that could be in any life area for the purpose of our conversation. We're talking about challenges within family, and that could be very specifically as it relates to money, which can be a very triggering experience. And as a result of the work that I've done over many, many years, I've noticed my resistance to conflict. Yes. I'm a great helper when it comes to supporting individuals who are experiencing conflict. And yet at the same time, I'm someone that doesn't like to have power over an individual, tell them how to live their lives. So a number of years ago in 2020, I became credentialed as a life coach.
Louisa Hext [:And the biggest difference between life coaching and serving as a mediator slash evaluator and adjudicator is that a coach is a supportive person that walks alongside of the individual because they and I believe that they have the answers and some kind of a guide. And so my, my sense of how do we prevent the conflict on the front end Mhmm. Was where I wanted to go. And if there's been a history of conflict, embracing the opportunity for people to say, you know what? I'm not interested in doing that. Yet maybe years later, looking at how to heal pain and some of the triggering experiences that they have endured over the years. Does that make sense? It's kind of a long kinda intro, but you can pick it open.
Jasmine Trocchia [:I you know, what I got from that and I think is the coolest thing, is that a lot of times, especially when you're dealing with investors and business people, very money and decision making focused people, not necessarily considering all of the emotional consequences for you know, the whole reason you're making money, right, is for your kids, for your grandkids, or when you're thinking about how to plan out your estate. And this is not necessarily according to IRS rules. This is how you plan your estate. But more considering the emotional effects. You know, does it go to the oldest boy? Are there other deep seated family conflicts that you need to consider or work through when you're when you're planning all of this? When you're you're making your wealth now, and then you're, you're planning your estate. So what in your experience has been some of the biggest triggers when people are estate planning?
Louisa Hext [:I think one of the biggest triggers for people honestly is shock that what they expected to be is not what their mom, dad, family member was considering. And so it triggers this perceived sense of inequality and unfairness. For example, it could be an unequal distribution of a trust estate. It could be a specific asset attachment, and I could share a personal story regarding that if we circle back to that. Mhmm. It could be, well, a family member got money while that person was, was, the parent was alive in living time. So therefore they're not supposed to get an equal distribution. So there's this question, one of my favorite coaching questions is, what does justice look like to you?
Jasmine Trocchia [:Oh, I don't know if I've ever asked myself that question. Very introspective. What is
Louisa Hext [:a common response? Well, the reason I threw this in and I hadn't planned, it just kinda came to me.
Jasmine Trocchia [:Yeah.
Louisa Hext [:Is because it is a moving goalpost. So in the heat of conflict, justice looks like I'm going to get that person. They're an absolute idiot. I cannot believe that happened. Goodness. Why did mom talk to him or her and why did she change the will? That person needs to be written out over time. Let's just say everything has played out. Let's look at five years down the path, and I'll get inquiries about, how do I move past my resentment? How do I move past my bitterness? Because for five years, it served me beautifully and now it's not.
Louisa Hext [:So there's an awareness and a recognition that in the past, it was a protection. It was the badge of honor that I wore to protect myself, to state my position, to get at that person. And now it doesn't serve me anymore. And why doesn't it serve me? Perhaps we're aging a little more. Perhaps we're sad that we don't get to celebrate Easter, for example, with our loved ones. It's the stuff that perhaps in time is healing. And so there's no right or wrong answer. It's really about the individual.
Louisa Hext [:And I have noticed in my own life that big curiosity, you know, I'm thinking differently than I used to think. What's it about?
Jasmine Trocchia [:Mhmm.
Louisa Hext [:Does that help?
Jasmine Trocchia [:Yeah. And then I think to maturity or, understanding that, hey, mom had her own life too, not just to make money for your estate or your trust?
Louisa Hext [:It's a very interesting story and it it doesn't have deep pain attached to it. I think it it just popped into my head. So my mom passed in May of twenty twenty, and I live in The United States. I'm in a twin cities of Minneapolis and St. Paul, and I'm from London, England. And if you recall 2020 and around May was the, was the, the heat, the height of COVID. So I didn't get to go to my mom's funeral Well, I attempted to go and that was on Zoom. And my niece put a whole bunch of us in the waiting room by mistake and never let us out.
Louisa Hext [:So I didn't get to see my mom, Barrett, which in time I got through and I kind of laugh about it now. And why am I sharing the story? Because my brother has an, a very interesting attachment to his daughter and she's always right. So it was a challenging time because he didn't believe me. And it wasn't until his friend said, Hey, I was in the waiting room. I never got out. That there was another story. So how does this relate to, to the, the real deal that I want to share with you? So last April, in this moment of time, I went to London for the first time to visit my mom's grave. And my mom had left me all of her jewelry and she loved jewelry.
Louisa Hext [:I'm one of two kids. So there's me, the older child and I'm a woman. And my brother is 60 younger, and he has a daughter and two sons. Mhmm. And I was a little surprised, quite honestly, that my mom had left her jewelry to me, that she hadn't possibly shared some pieces with my brother, and then he would've given some to his daughter. So what happened was I hadn't seen the jewelry. It was the first time that I'd seen it. My stepfather had kept it in the safe in the family apartment, which we call flat.
Louisa Hext [:Mhmm. Just to say. And I had this wonderful experience of going through the jewelry, and I invited my brother to be there. And I had every intention of sharing some of this jewelry. Some of it was costume. Most of it was not. Mhmm. And I remembered some pieces and loved some pieces.
Louisa Hext [:There was just a lot, way too many pieces for me to have. And I had no resistance to having a conversation with my brother about the jewelry. And I said to him, I wanted to appraise it first before I gave him any and following my mother's, funeral and the unfortunate debacle of all of, the Zoom and iPhones and messing things up, my niece had chosen not to be in communication with me. I don't know if she experienced shame about it. I don't know what her story was. I'd reached out to her a few times. She didn't respond. So I figured, hey, you know, I'll, I'll talk with my brother about it.
Louisa Hext [:And I recall very clearly sitting across the table with my brother on the second time of viewing the jewelry. And just before I was coming home saying, here are some pieces of costume jewelry that I'd like you to give to your your daughter. Mhmm. And then I'll circle back to you regarding what I'm planning to do with the rest. And he just lost it. Oh, Oh, that's too bad. What do you mean you should give me some of this jewelry? These are the pieces that I think that, I should give to my daughter. I'm leaving names out of it.
Louisa Hext [:You know, just Yeah. And, I attempted very calmly to say, this is why I'm gonna do this. I don't know what the value is. I haven't even had an experience of looking at it. I'm only in London for ten days. And in fact, I was going home the next day on the second meeting. Oh, wow. And he just was really icky about it.
Louisa Hext [:And I don't know if it's a specific asset attachment, but it triggered this sense of what I should and shouldn't do. It triggered what he said was not a trigger, was what the eye was left the jewelry, and he should have been left an equal, like, equitable portion. And really, honestly, we've had very little communication since. And I try and try and try. And that's an example I think that your audience might connect with.
Jasmine Trocchia [:Yeah. I feel like you could switch out jewelry with
Louisa Hext [:Yeah.
Jasmine Trocchia [:You know, mom's horses or porcelain collection or Tupperware
Louisa Hext [:or Or cabin. What about the cabin in Minnesota? Do you have Yeah. Where you want to? Exactly.
Jasmine Trocchia [:Yeah. Like or the, you know, I get the vacation home and you get the main house or whatever the case may be. And and so what steps are you taking to try to resolve this relationship with your brother, or did you even pry to figure out if it was a bigger issue with him?
Louisa Hext [:I tried and it's a lifetime. So, you know, I could, you know, think back. Whereas only sixteen years difference. And my sixteen years. Goodness. Sixteen months. Yeah. That's funny.
Louisa Hext [:We only make mistakes, don't we? So 16, maybe it's just because I sometimes think he's 16 younger. I don't know. He has never been a person that you could sit down across the table or without a table, you know, just walk with and and really dig deep and be vulnerable. And I have been that person. I've always been someone that has an incredible empathy muscle and can really sense what's going on. And I have asked, which I would call powerful questions to really dig deep or to ask directly, is there something that's really bothering you? And his response is, no, there's nothing. You know, there's this almost, maybe he should live in Minnesota. It's like that Minnesota nice kind of, you know,
Jasmine Trocchia [:Midwestern Passive aggressive.
Louisa Hext [:I don't know if you get any sense. Oh, it's a very like, everything sound yeah. How are you? And then there's the the this dagger. Right?
Jasmine Trocchia [:Mhmm.
Louisa Hext [:And, so I've tried I just had a birthday. Actually, a week ago today. It was a big birthday. Thank you. It was a big, it was a, it was a, it was a, it was a my sixtieth. It was a big birthday.
Jasmine Trocchia [:Oh. Yeah. It was a big deal.
Louisa Hext [:And, it is a big deal. And that's when I hear from my brother. But it's not, hey, have a great day. It's a meme on WhatsApp. Right? And then he probably won't talk to me until his birthday, which is in August. Or if I share something about his football team. I mean, it's just a very, so, so this is the key to come back and to help your listeners. It is about what we do for ourselves.
Louisa Hext [:It has to start with us. And that could be being curious about what are we feeling? What is coming up for us in association with that feeling? Is there a situation that we need to look at and how do we want to address that? Do we want to address that or do we want to put our heads in the sand or do what I have considered to be called spiritual bypass, which I don't mean religion per se, but do something to take our mind off of something. You know, many of us have too many drinks, for example, that have alcohol in them, Or we might enjoy an entire bag of crisps, which you put chips or chocolate, or we might exercise too much because it feels good for a moment. And yet when we bury that pain, it comes up. It always comes up. Right? And so we have to ask ourselves, you know, what, what do we want to do? The, the really cool thing though, you know, hindsight is twenty twenty. So maybe there's a listener now that's going, oh, well, this doesn't really relate to me. My parents, healthy and well, or, are never gonna get divorced.
Louisa Hext [:And so I never have to worry about changing a beneficiary. Or I have a child with disabilities, but they're only five years old now. So I don't have to think about an irrevocable trust. You know, all of these areas that I find fascinating and I love to work around, there are so many things that we could do that I would call proactive communication and transparency. Which is very different Mhmm. Than my relationship with my brother. And why is it that I'm talking about these things and that I don't have those in place? Because the other person chooses not to communicate. Right? So I can't make someone do that.
Louisa Hext [:But in this instance, I could dip my feet in and see if there might be an opportunity to have a conversation. And for my brother, I know really, what I know to be really true is that if I happen to be in London, you know, I got a great flight and I landed there two weeks from now and I called him up, he would wanna see me. This is what's so strange. And yet we can go months and months and months where he cannot even respond to a text. Like it takes, he'll say, he'll put more words in and say, don't have time then, Hey, how's it going? So these proactive front end, just like with the work that you do, Jasmine, you wanna support people to be proactive, not to get to 59 and a half when they could take a distribution. They've never put anything in in the first place. Or, figuring out how they can maybe invest, something that they've earned, out of, maybe in a state that has come to to bear. You have those correct words.
Louisa Hext [:Yeah. So I'm hoping that's helpful as we move along.
Jasmine Trocchia [:Yeah. Absolutely. A couple of, I guess, follow-up questions. How so estate planning is important. Definitely should be part I mean, I'm not a CPA and I'm not an advisor, but thinking about what happens to the money you're making now should and when something happens to you. Mhmm. But how do you start these difficult conversations maybe with someone in your family like your brother who who's not necessarily like your ally, but what are some talking points that may be, hey. Mom and dad are getting older, or, hey, I have a lot of money in my estate.
Jasmine Trocchia [:I'd like to include you. How do you get those, the ball rolling on some of those conversations?
Louisa Hext [:Great question. And I've kind of touched on that, already. Now, granted, people may have a style of communication that makes it difficult, and then there's work ahead of the work, right? So this is not a one size fits all. This is custom. And when I work with my clients, everything is custom. So you can always have, give me some information that will help me, and I can do that. So this, this communication that's proactive, as I suggested, and that's also transparent. So in an example, if it has to do with one's parents and in the state, I can tell you right now that my mother who was married to my stepfather for many, many more years than my father would never.
Louisa Hext [:And the word never, and I don't usually use that in my vocabulary, would never have an open family meeting. I tried again and again and again to have open and honest conversations about the will and the state planning. And especially with my stepfather, ten years prior to my mother's passing. My mother very unfortunately experienced vascular dementia, which is a horrible, horrible debilitating illness, akin to Alzheimer's. And I tried very, very hard to have those conversations. The only benefit of asking and them saying, no, we're gonna figure it out. In fact, they did mirror wills. So when my mum cast Did you see mirror
Jasmine Trocchia [:wills? Sorry.
Louisa Hext [:Oh, it's my accent. Mirror. Mirror. Like, like mirror. So everything, Everything other than jewelry went to my stepfather. Okay. Which is gonna be fine because I trust, and he doesn't have family or, other heirs. So they were transpa he was transparent after the fact.
Louisa Hext [:Mhmm. So the only thing that somewhat helped, but it caused some challenges for me, was that I had he's he became friendly with a girlfriend of mine who's an attorney and who was able to help them. And I, I trusted her Mhmm. That anything that they would do would be in the interests of my brother and I and his family. But I was miffed because she wouldn't talk to me about it because it was client attorney privilege. Right?
Jasmine Trocchia [:Yeah.
Louisa Hext [:So that's another converse but but so these open family conversations and meetings, to have open and honest conversations while the parties let's say the parties because it may not be parents, while the parties are still alive and able to make an informed decision. And then that allows for questions and explanations and understanding. And then in this case, intentions can be shared because they kind of flow. It's kind of their idea and you kind of listen. Listening is very key. Listening is very different than just hearing. Quiet, listening, practicing, listening. And then it wouldn't have been great if my mom had been able to say to my brother, you know, I am going to leave my jewelry to Louisa.
Louisa Hext [:That's me. Not going to leave the jewelry to you. And this is why. This is why. Right. I don't really know why.
Jasmine Trocchia [:A lot of that conversation you had to have with your brother, if that had been proactive.
Louisa Hext [:Mhmm. I I don't know why I maybe it's because I'm female. Maybe it's because I had a special relationship that actually I didn't know I had. And then this is where someone like myself comes in, which is involving a neutral third party. It could be a mediator. It could be a life coach. It could be a therapist. If that were what you wanted to do to facilitate these difficult conversations, Because, you know, I'm telling you my personal story and I may be triggered.
Louisa Hext [:And the reason I'm sharing my story is because I walk that walk. I'm not this expert that is a cardboard cutout that doesn't have feeling and emotion. And yet I have all the patients in the world. I have the thick skin. I have the knowledge and background. In this instance, because of my work and family court, and money is a big deal, by the way. It might be different kinds of money. It's, you know, how much spousal support do I get? How much child support do I get? What happens to my pension? Four zero one ks.
Louisa Hext [:You know, so I've had a lot of education and training in facilitating difficult conversations about money. And when you think about the lawyer attorney solicitor, what, who, what, whatever term you use, who is specializing in estate planning or the wealth advisor that is managing the money, they usually don't have those skills. And they don't wanna deal with the absolute kind of, I mean, it shuts everything down. It takes so much time. So imagine if you have a third party in there, a neutral party, and you're doing the work on the front end so that when you have the meeting with the attorney and with the wealth planner and the bank, you're not having a meltdown in their office on their time. And especially if you're playing an hourly rate to have a meltdown, it's really not helpful. So
Jasmine Trocchia [:I'm really glad you mentioned that. Yeah. You totally bring in this full circle, and the whole reason I was super excited to have you on the podcast is it's that element that is not considered as highly, when people are talking about estate planning or what to do with all of this wealth they built as, like, American IRA clients, and they have all of this in their retirement account and what happens when they pass away. So I really appreciate you bringing your insight and talking about the emotional impact and the emotional part, the relationship part of estate planning and managing your your finances and your money. I wanna really quick before we end the episode, I do wanna let you give us yourself a shout out. Where can we find you online? What if we have questions? Are you doing consultations?
Louisa Hext [:Yeah. And I wish people would take advantage of my willingness to share with that obligation. I have a website which is called embraceforgiveness.com. There it is with a beautiful horse. I do work with horses and clients to, to build trust and to help people work out challenges in their life using horses. If you're in the Twin Cities, you should check me out to do some live sessions there. We can also do stuff online. I offer a no obligation, what you call cons consultation.
Louisa Hext [:I think on my website, it's called a discovery call, book a discovery call. There you see it right there. This is my website and, I do group coaching. I do one to one coaching and you see the word forgiveness in many places on my website. I don't teach forgiveness. What I do is create a space for inquiry to help people release pain and suffering, their bitterness, resentment, the sense of betrayal, which is really the antithesis. If you let go of those things, you can have more freedom and peace in their life. And so I'm also highly credentialed, as I shared before, in mediation, evaluation, adjudication.
Louisa Hext [:So if people need assistance as a neutral party, as a mediator, I also offer those services and then the more kind of the life coaching portion. And so I would encourage people to reach out to me. I also have, I think, a LinkedIn profile on the website, Facebook. I'm sure there are multitude of ways to find me and would love to meet individuals. And, you know, as I sit here talking with you Mhmm. And, and how you were able to carve out your position with American IRA. Wouldn't it be great if I were a resource to your clients? That would be fantastic. Be a really fun thing that I just talked right over you.
Louisa Hext [:That would be fantastic, you said. But the idea of real your clients, like this partnership that you and I are helping them, you know, to, to be the best they can be and supporting your, the generational wealth. And you don't have to start out with a lot of money. And you can start having those conversations right now. So Absolutely. For sure. I hope that will
Jasmine Trocchia [:Yeah. Absolutely. Say your website one more time just so we
Louisa Hext [:can reach you. Yeah. It is embraceforgiveness.com. Okay. And, the other offer I have is if people want some of the toolkit that I shared with the audience, I can package that in such a way that I can can share it in a PDF with individuals if they like something to read. Right? Yeah. That would be fantastic. To reach out to me.
Louisa Hext [:I think, you know, I could be reached by at louisa@embraceforgiveness.com. I know I can. I think it's on my website. Okay. Or you can request, a call and write what you need inside of that little box.
Jasmine Trocchia [:Little box.
Louisa Hext [:Obviously, I'm not my own work master. Oh my goodness. No. You have a you have a great, great producer here. So there you go. Yeah. Thank you.
Jasmine Trocchia [:Awesome. Thank you so much, Louisa. I really appreciate you being here and giving us a different perspective on investing in business and American Ira clients, with their IRA accounts and the money they're making. So, if you have any questions, you can reach out to Louisa at her website. You can reach me, marketing@AmericanIra.com. And, maybe we'll have you on again in a in a few months maybe. That would be great later on the summer.
Louisa Hext [:I would love it. And you could tell me what you'd like me to talk about. Clearly, I like to talk. Yeah. But I can listen too. I'm a really good listener.
Jasmine Trocchia [:Yeah. Thank you so much, Louisa, and we'll we'll see you again soon.
Louisa Hext [:Thanks a lot. Bye bye.
Voiceover [:American IRA LLC, a North Carolina LLC acts as a third party administrator for new vision trust company, a state chartered South Dakota trust company. As a neutral self directed IRA administrator, American IRA does not recommend or endorse any investments, individuals, or entities including financial representatives, promoters, or companies. American IRA and the IRA cafe are not responsible for other statements, representations, or agreements, nor do we evaluate the quality or profitability of any investment. American IRA does not endorse guests on the IRA cafe podcast. Guest opinions are their own and do not necessarily reflect the views of American IRA, its subsidiaries, associates, or custodian. Participation in the podcast is voluntary, and no compensation is provided. American IRA is not a fiduciary and cannot offer financial advice. Please consult your CPA or another professional before making financial decisions.
