Today, we dive headfirst into a heartfelt conversation with Julia Melanson, author of the poignant memoir *Not Yours to Keep*. She shares her incredible journey of reconnecting with her birth mother, exploring themes of identity, love, and the resilience of women across generations. With profound reflections on adoption, Julie highlights how her experiences shaped her understanding of family and the unbreakable bonds that can exist despite life's challenges. As we chat, you'll find yourself nodding along to the powerful message that love, in all its forms, is what truly connects us. So, grab your favorite beverage, kick back, and join us for a discussion that promises to inspire and resonate long after the episode wraps up.

Takeaways:

• Adoption stories often reveal profound connections between birth and adoptive families, highlighting the enduring power of love across generations.
• Julia Melanson's journey of reconnecting with her birth mother illuminates the complexities of identity and the emotional realities of adoption.
• The memoir 'Not Yours to Keep' emphasizes the strength and resilience of women, showing how love can transcend difficult circumstances.
• In navigating her personal history, Julia discovered unexpected similarities with her birth mother, prompting reflections on the nature versus nurture debate.
• The podcast discusses how sharing personal stories fosters understanding and healing, reminding us of the bonds that unite us all.
• Julia encourages those considering searching for their birth families to be prepared for any outcome, emphasizing the importance of love in all family forms.

Links referenced in this episode:

• julie melansonauthor.com
• rootedindaypublishing
• amazon
• barnesandnoble

Foreign.

Welcome to Becoming Bridge Builders, the podcast where we connect stories, people and perspectives that inspire understanding, healing and meaningful relationships.

I AM your host, Reverend Dr. Keith Haney.

Today we're going to share a powerful story with about identity, family resilience and extraordinary strength of women.

Our guest today is Julie Melloson, author of Not Yours to Keep, a story about adoption and the strength and resilience of women.

Julie's remarkable journey has led her to reconnect with her birth mother and uncover a story filled with unexpected similarities.

Profound loss, endearing love, transformational healing.

Through her deeply personal memoir, she shares a light on the emotional realities of adoption and the powerful bonds that connect families across generations.

Julie, welcome to the podcast.

Well, thank you very much, Keith.

I'm really happy to be here.

Well, good.

We're looking forward to having you on.

This will be a great conversation.

I'm sure you're looking forward to hearing your story and lessons you've learned.

Thank you very much.

I'm going to ask you my favorite question.

Kind of get us warmed up.

What's the best piece of advice you've ever received?

Well, I had a think about that when I saw that and I would sit, say, I think the best piece of advice I've ever received is don't think for one moment you can't do this job.

And what it made me think about was, or what I learned from that was not to underestimate myself.

I remember hearing that when I had our first child.

That's daunting.

To have a first child is always kind of daunting.

Right?

And that's the advice someone gave us something, you can't do this job.

Yeah, I don't know.

I don't know.

That's great.

So for listeners meeting you for the first time, Julie, tell us a little bit about your journey and what led you to become an author.

Well, you know, I had a wonderful, loving childhood.

I had a difficult 20 years.

Between the ages of 20 and 40, I met my first, my current husband and had a fulfilling career as a business executive.

And it gave me a well rounded view of life.

You know, the highs, the lows and the appreciation for a life well lived.

I love it.

I think that really helped to prepare me.

Yeah.

So you, before writing this memoir, you spent 25 years in the corporate world.

How did that experience prepare you for telling your personal story?

Well, it gave me a lot of experience and exposure to all kinds of people and different types of stories.

And I think listening to everybody's story really gave me the strength to share.

That's good.

That still takes a lot of courage to tell your story.

It does.

It does.

As an author, myself, and having written my first book, I remember thinking to myself when the book was done, I'm like, do I really want to be this vulnerable?

I know, I know.

I know.

You know what I thought of when I finished writing the book and it finally was going to go and be printed, I thought, oh, my God, the hard part is done.

And then what I realized is not even close, that this is really the harder part.

Right.

Is getting the story out there so people can hear.

Is.

It really is.

And how's that been going for you so far, getting the story out?

It's been going very well.

I've had a lot of great people that I've met with and talked to and a lot of interest in the book, which has been really just kind of overwhelming sometimes.

And just to hear how it's touched other people, I think has been really great gratifying for.

I know it's hard losing my mom.

I couldn't imagine losing both mothers.

What.

What led you felt you compelled to tell that.

Tell their story?

Well, I think it was a couple different things.

I think, you know, after meeting my birth mother, Diana, and we only really had eight months to share before she passed, but in that short amount of time, I was really able to understand how much like her in a lot of ways I was.

And it really brought the question to my mind about nurture and nature.

Right.

And I realized that a lot of the things as to who I am really are because of nature.

And then it also made me think about my adoptive mother, who was an extremely loving individual as well, and.

And all the things I learned from her and the importance of love.

And that seemed to be the common theme was love.

And I was very lucky to have two great moms, that's for sure.

Wow.

That's cool.

Was there anything about you discovered yourself about in this writing process that surprised you?

Hmm.

I guess I would say, say how strong of a person I really was when I was a young.

When I was a lot younger again.

My.

Those years for me between 20 and 40 were pretty tough years for me, and I didn't realize at the time how strong I was.

But now when I look back on it and was able to put, like, pen to paper, I was able to really reflect upon that, and I was really surprised.

Like, I really got through that period of time in my life.

Yeah, that's.

That's good.

So, Julie, this book is more than an adoption story.

It's a story about love, identity, family loss, and it's remarkable resilience of women across generations.

Yeah.

What inspired the title, Not Yours to Keep?

Oh, well, my birth mother Diana had written a book of poems and the name of the book was called Remains To Be Seen.

And the first poem she wrote in the book is called the Casting Director.

And it's, it's a story of God telling her about what her life was going to be like.

And about halfway through it, he was telling her about she was going to be married and have lots of children.

And in her response was how excited she was about that.

And one of God's comments to her was, not all are yours to keep.

And so I thought it was appropriate.

Wow, that's powerful.

So for those who haven't read the book yet, what's the central message you hope readers take away from your book?

I think the central message is really about love.

And, and here's why I say that.

Because whether you are a mom that's in a position where you don't feel you can keep your child and that is, you know, the best thing that you do is to give them up, I think that that's definitely an act of love.

I know that my mom, Agnes, used to tell me that I was so lucky because it had to be so hard for my mother to give me up.

She must have loved me so much.

And so I think that going through life feeling that loved and loved by my adoptive family, that there's just so many things in life that can take you to a lot of sadness or a lot of happiness.

But if you come from the mindset that things usually are done out of love, it really makes, makes it easier to understand and kind of accept where someone's coming from.

When did you find out you were adopted, Keith?

I always knew.

I just remember.

I always knew.

I remember my mom.

I don't know when she started to tell me how, you know, how my mom must have loved me so much to be able to give me up, but I, there was never a time where she sat me down and told me or, or any of that.

And I, and I had a tremendous amount of love and respect for my, my parents and we had a terrific extended family and my mom actually had lost a child seven years prior to them adopting me and she was not able to conceive.

But after they adopted me, she conceived my brother.

Um, so we just really had a very loving, fun, faith based family and I always felt very fortunate and grateful for that.

So with that in mind, when did you start questioning your identity and your origins, knowing that you always had this.

You were adopted?

Yeah, I think.

I think it was probably when I was in high school.

I remember thinking, okay, I must have asked my mom about it, because I remember her telling me that I was like the product of a. I shouldn't say a product, but as a result of a teacher and a student having a relationship.

And so that's what I thought.

I didn't know any of my origins.

In other words, was I.

Was I English?

Was I Italian?

I mean, I guess I knew I wasn't Italian because I had red hair and blue eyes, but, you know, but you don't really have that background, and so you start to kind of question it.

And, you know, back then.

My mom and dad had a box that had, like, important documents in it, and I was able to look in that box, and I saw my adoption certificate.

So I knew what my birth name was.

And so then I went through, you know, the white pages, because that's what we had was the phone book.

So I went through the white pages to see, you know, my birth name was Kim Marie Sparbeck.

And I was able to see that there were a lot of people with that last name close by me, you know, from the.

From the.

From the town I was growing up in.

Wow.

So what motivated you begin searching for your birth?

I think it was just the fact that you could get so much more information.

You know, I was 51.

My.

My mom had passed away.

She had been gone for about 11 years.

And, you know, the Internet, with the birth of the Internet, and, you know, my husband and I one day were talking about everything, you know, you can learn about yourself online.

And so we decided.

The next morning, we got up and decided to just kind of search and see what we could find out.

And it was really interesting to see everything, you know, and I was able to search on my birth name, and I saw a lot of Sparbacks that were in the next town over from where I had grown up.

And it just kind of made.

It.

Made it so close that you almost wanted to touch it, you know, to feel it.

And so I decided later in the day that we had kind of narrowed down who we thought it might be.

And I left a message at the number that was online and said, you know, that I was just trying to get some health information, because that's always a challenge when you're Adopted, especially if it's a closed adoption.

Right.

Which all of them were back then.

To know, what do you have to worry about?

Do you have high cholesterol?

You're going to have a heart attack?

What's it going to be?

So, you know, you're looking for that type of information.

And I said I didn't want to cause anyone any problems.

And I didn't really hear back for about four days.

And actually, it was this woman's son who called me, and he had said that his mom had passed and that eventually he realized what I was looking for.

And he said, I don't think that's my mom, because she married into the family.

But he did put me in touch with an uncle who had all of the family history and all of the background.

And so that was wonderful.

It took us a while to connect, to talk to each other, but I guess if you think about it in the scheme of time being 51, and so if you're waiting a month or two to talk to somebody who you think might have the information, that isn't very long at all.

And he was wonderful, Uncle Jerry.

And he asked me to send some pictures, which I did.

And he said, I think there might be a connection here.

He was actually a professor down at Wayne State University in Detroit, and he had.

He had family trees.

He had just.

Oh, just all kinds of census information over the decades.

It just was amazing, all the information he had.

And so at one point, after we connected and shared pictures, he said, would you like me to send you a family tree?

And that would be great.

And he did.

And my husband and I, after, like, going through this kind of thought we knew who was going to.

Who would be my mother, and that it would be a woman whose name was Diana Healy.

And I reached back out to Uncle Jerry and he said, you know, just said it makes sense because, you know, when she was in high school, she went away to the convent for a year, which is kind of what happened when you got pregnant and you were Catholic and, you know, that's what they would do.

And he asked.

He asked me to wait a little while to reach out to her, and I did.

And when he said it was okay, I mean, I still waited another month.

And the reason I waited was because I thought, I just need to be prepared for how is this going to change my life, right?

Is this woman going to tell me that, well, I'm not your mother, or I am your mother, but I don't want to have a relationship with you, or I am Your mother and I really want to have a relationship with you.

So I didn't know what to expect, so I took it very slowly.

So take us back to a moment when you first met Diana.

Let me take you to the first phone call I had with her.

Okay.

Because they're two different things, because I was living in Boston and she was living in Michigan.

So I again, had decided.

I didn't want to be confrontational.

So I decided one morning to call, and when she answered, I told her, my name is Julie Melanson.

I said, and I think I may be related to your family.

And she said, well, how do you think you might be related?

And I said, I think I am Gertrude Sparbech.

That was her mother.

I said, I think I'm her granddaughter.

And.

And she said, and I'm your mother, and I've been searching for you.

And it was like.

And you have three brothers, a sister, eight nieces and nephews.

I mean, she's with you, the whole thing.

She was so excited.

And I'm.

I'm fully convinced now, in hindsight, too, that one of the reasons that I did this at that.

At this time of my life was through her prayer life.

I mean, I think I have a very strong one, but she was very spiritual and really needed to complete this and meet me.

And just.

It had just been a very difficult thing for her to live with all her life.

So I think this was, in a lot of ways, was an answer to her prayers.

How long had been she.

She been searching for you?

She said, for the past five years.

So I would have been 46.

Yeah.

And at that point, she had told her children that, you know, she had given a child up.

And, you know, I'm sure we talked on the phone that day for about an hour, and we exchanged some pictures.

And I'm sure that she thought that, you know, telling her children, they were very, very comforting to her.

So I'm sure when she said, I, you know, my.

I've found my daughter, right, that they probably were a little hesitant.

I think I would have been right.

But about a month later, and we communicated almost every day, I flew to Michigan to meet her in a very beautiful hotel in Rochester, Michigan.

And we were there waiting when she came in.

And the thing that was so amazing was we look exactly alike.

It was so, like, that was the first time in my life I'd ever had someone that I look like, you know, and.

And my husband, you know, he would say, later on, like, you tilt your head the same way you had the same mannerisms.

You.

You know, all these things that in a million years I had never had.

And it was just really.

It was just really something.

We sat in this restaurant.

I think it was almost 10 hours before we decided to, you know, separate it on that day.

But.

But the connection stayed, so it was great.

What were some of the biggest surprises you uncovered from your reunion?

I think.

I think it was a lot of the unhappiness that she had in her childhood and how difficult her life had also had been at different times throughout her life.

You know, and so when I.

When I started to think about writing the book, I wanted to do things in parallel, like her 20s and my 20s, you know, her 30s, my 30s, so that you could put your head around where each of us was at that time.

And she certainly had some difficult times.

There's no doubt about that.

And I think one of the epiphanies for me as I went through this process of writing this was that I went into it starting to think how different our lives were.

And I ended up realizing not so much.

In a lot of ways, they were very similar.

And that was a big takeaway for me.

I'm always curious for someone who has to give up a child for adoption, that there's probably a lot of regret.

Did she express that.

That sense of regret from having to give you up?

She.

Well, she.

You know, she had been raped, so.

And it was.

So that was very difficult.

The person that raped her was a cousin to one of her good friends, and she did.

But she knew that she couldn't raise me.

Her mother was emphatic that she have an abortion, and she refused to do that.

And back then, when you would give a child up for adoption and you.

They normally would take the baby and you would.

You would never see the baby.

But she went down to the nursery, and no matter what the objection they had, she said, I'm going to hold my baby for one hour, and then you can take her.

And so I always like to think of her holding me when.

After she'd given birth to me.

And who knows what advice she gave me at that time, but hopefully some of it's, you know, sunk in.

Wow.

How did reconnecting with her change your understanding of yourself or maybe enhance your understanding of yourself?

Well, it made me realize that I was.

That I was really a stronger person when I was younger, when I was in my 20s and 30s, than I ever knew.

Because when I heard about her life and things that she had been through, and I knew how difficult those 20 years were for me until I married my.

My husband at 40.

It made me to really understand that, wow, I. I did a pretty darn good job in spite of what I was going through.

That's good.

So your book honors both the mothers who raised you.

What did those.

Each woman teach you about love and strength?

Well, from my mom, I think the thing I learned about is that love is above all else.

Right?

And love and family and that connection, that is what's going to carry you through life.

And I think from Diana, it was about love and determination.

Right.

Just the strength to get through the things that.

That are really difficult.

Right.

And the common thing being between all of that is really love is really what it is.

That's great.

Right.

So you are a person of faith, and I'm curious how.

What did you learn about forgiveness during this experience?

What I've learned about forgiveness is that, you know, it's hard sometimes.

I didn't really ever feel like I had to forgive my birth mom, Diana, because I just always grew up knowing, like, my mom had told me that that was truly an effort in love for her to give me up.

Right.

And how difficult that must have been for her.

But as I've gotten older, what I've learned about forgiveness is that it is hard to try to put yourself in somebody else's shoes and think about, what are they doing, or why have they done that, or why did they say that?

And, you know, but I think what's even harder than that, Keith, is just to forgive yourself.

Just to forgive yourself for the things that you realize maybe were not the best decisions or you would have done differently or, you know, those kind of things are really difficult to forgive yourself.

I love that your book highlights strength and resilience of women.

Why was that theme so important to you to emphasize in your book?

Well, we have a funny story in our family about, well, my husband and I regarding resilience, which is that, you know, this was years and years ago, right.

When we were first together.

And I can remember.

I'll share.

The first part of the story was I remember saying to my husband, well, you know, you're trapped in a car for a lot of hours, so of course, you have to use that time to interrogate them.

Right.

And I. I said, tell me, why are the.

What are the three reasons why you love me?

And his first reason was how resilient I was.

And I remember thinking, I said, resilient, and he said, it's a very underrated quality.

Nowadays you hear about resilience.

All the time they talk about it, but back then it really.

You didn't hear that much about resilience.

And I had to come to appreciate the fact that he was right.

I really was a pretty resilient person.

So that was one thing and strength.

It just, you know, both of my moms were strong in their own unique ways.

My mom that adopted me was a teacher and she was a very well respected teacher.

She has such an impact on the people that she taught that even at her funeral, when she died at 71, one of her students from fifth grade came to the funeral and asked me to put a yellow rose in her coffin with her for all the students that she had impacted in her life.

And then my birth mom, she was so strong.

And I'm so lucky to have had that because I think that combination really helped to create the person I am today.

Yeah, that's amazing.

When you think about adoptive families and birth families, what can they learn from your story?

Well, I think, I think, I think it's important to think about all different types of adoptions, right?

Whether it's, you know, someone getting pregnant and needing to give up a child, or whether it's a grandparent that needs to step in as the parent, you know, or you're a step parent or a foster parent.

I think the important thing is really to realize that all of those things are out of love and that that's really the one resounding thing that I think about, of how do all of those people in those situations feel and the actions that they're taking, right.

Whether you're giving someone up, whether you're fostering someone, whether you're adopting someone, it's all because of love.

Yeah, that's very true.

I know for me, there was always a chapter that was very difficult to write or very rewarding.

Was there a chapter in the book that was very difficult rewarding for you to write?

Well, I think my third chapter where I talked about meeting her and understanding what her 20s were like and how difficult her life was, that was, that was really interesting.

I mean, that was, it was good because I was learning so much about her life, right.

And then I think my chapter 10, where she actually passes on was so hard for me because, you know, just in a million years, I guess I always felt my.

My mom passed when she was 71.

So when I met Diana, she was.

She was 69 when I met her.

And so when we would talk about different things, I thought, well, look at this.

We're going to have all these years to have together, to make memories and to share different stories and.

And then she passed eight months later.

So she passed at 70.

So that was.

That was a difficult chapter to write, I bet.

After.

After going through all of this and discovering your.

Your birth mom, what does family mean to you today?

Family is everything to me.

I mean, my family, they're my source of greatest joy.

They're a wonderful resource for me.

We have so many memories.

Rob and I have five children, so we go from 51 down to almost 37, and we have eight grandchildren, and we just absolutely love all being together.

You would never know that we are not a nuclear family.

And I just can't be grateful enough for that.

Every morning when I'm fortunate enough to step on the beach and put my feet in the sand and ground myself, and I thank God for the day that he's given me, and I thank God for my family and just, you know, all the lessons that I've learned to bring me to this day, and it's just.

I'm just feel like, you know, all that I suffered through those 20 years, it's like it's all come full circle.

I'm just so fortunate.

Oh, that's so neat.

So we're not gonna have some fun now?

That's a lightning round.

Questions?

Okay.

Coffee or tea?

Coffee.

Beach or lake?

That's a tough one, because I'm on the beach.

I have a beach and I'm on the lake, but I have to say lake, because there's nothing more calming than water.

Favorite book you've read recently?

Any book by Jodi Picoult.

Okay.

Morning person or night owl?

Definitely morning person.

Definitely one word that describes family.

Love.

And then I would say togetherness.

Most important quality in a friend.

Honesty, loyalty, understanding.

Favorite place to relax?

The beach.

A habit that keeps you grounded.

Walking.

Keeps me grounded just walking.

And so every.

Whether I'm here in Michigan or we have a small condo in Salem, Massachusetts, and we go to the ocean and we walk on the beach, no matter where it is.

When I am in that sand and I am looking at water, I am completely grounded.

One thing you wish more people understood about adoption.

A lot of people would say to me when they would know or find out that I was adopted, they would say, oh, I'm so sorry.

And that always caught me off guard because I thought, no, no, don't.

Don't feel sorry.

I've had a wonderful life.

And I know that there's all different types of stories that people have, but it can be a wonderful experience with the right people.

Yeah, I bet.

What's your favorite family tradition?

Well, my second granddaughter would tell me it's definitely around Christmas time because we love hanging out and we love the good food and we love just enjoying each other.

And so we as a family have two times a year when we all make a commitment to be together.

And that would be, at this point, 21 of us.

So that would be at Christmas time.

And then here at our home on Lake Michigan.

On Lake here on this summer.

They're coming in a couple weeks.

A person who has inspired you the most?

Well, I have a couple people.

One would be St. Teresa, the little flower.

She was such a young person when she passed, but her story was quite amazing.

And I always felt like she was watching over me as I was going through hard times.

My husband is a great inspiration to me.

He has lived a very difficult life as well when he was younger.

And so I think he always gave me very unique, positive ways to look at things.

And he helped me to really become a more confident person.

And for that, I've always been very grateful.

That's neat.

One word that describes your book.

Exciting.

I was gonna say never a dull moment, but I'll just say exciting.

There you go.

So I'd love to ask my guest this question too.

What do you want your legacy to be?

Oh, let's see what I want my legacy to be.

I think I want it to be that she lived her life with kindness, generosity, inclusion, and love.

I like that.

So, Julie, where can people find you and get you get a copy of your book?

Well, I'm on Instagram and I'm on Facebook and TikTok, and the name of the publishing company is rooted in day publishing.

And I'm on Amazon and online at Barnes and Noble.

Great.

Well, before you go, we have a new thing, and that's a surprise question.

Pick a number between 1 and 10.

Your surprise question.

Okay, I will pick.

Let's see, between 1 and 10.

What's today?

So how about 10?

10?

When you think about success, who comes to mind and why?

I think.

And maybe it's because of the state of where our country is politically at this point.

I think I've spent a lot of time recently thinking about Barack Obama as a president and what a phenomenal president he was.

And maybe we really didn't even appreciate it at the time.

But not only that, just what an amazing person he is.

Just very inspiring.

Cool.

So, Julie, as we wrap this up, anything you want to leave with the audience as a kind of a closing word or encouragement for those who may be in the situation you were in where they know they're adopted and maybe they're thinking, do I search out my birth family?

Do I not?

Any thoughts you have for someone maybe in that journey?

I think a couple things.

One would be just be prepared.

You have to really prepare yourself to be willing to accept whatever the outcome of that is going to be.

I have a webpage, it's called Julie melansonauthor.com and in there you can reach out to me and I'm happy to help anyone that wants to talk it through or bounce an idea off of.

I've had some people reach out to me and it's been, it's been great.

If I think I can help them or even if I'm just a sounding board for them, you know, I'm happy to do that.

Great.

Well, Julie, thanks so much for joining us for sharing your deeply personal and inspiring story.

Your message reminds us that understanding our past can help us build stronger bridges to our future, and that love often transcends the circumstances that bring families together.

For our listeners, be sure to pick up a copy of Julie Melanson's heartfelt memoir, Not Yours to Keep, a story about adoption and strength and the resilience of women.

Whether you've been touched by adoption personally or simply appreciate stories of courage, family and hope, this book will stay with you long after you finish the final chapter.

If today's episode touched you, please subscribe, leave a review and share this conversation with someone who values stories of resilience, healing, and human connection.

Remember, every bridge begins with understanding.

Every relationship begins with empathy.

Every story has the power to bring people closer together.

Until next time, keep building bridges.

I am revering Dr. Keith Haney and this is becoming becoming bridge builders.

Thanks for listening.