The lies we tell ourselves often serve as barriers to our authenticity, obscuring our true desires and identities. In this episode, we delve into the intricate web of self-deception that can cloud our perceptions of who we are and what we genuinely seek. We explore the concept of authenticity, examining its personal significance to each of us and the transformative power of embracing our true selves. Through candid discussions, we reflect on our individual journeys and the lessons learned from confronting these lies. Ultimately, we invite our listeners to engage in self-examination, challenging them to discern the truths that lie beneath the façades we often present to the world.

In this episode we dig deep into the lies we tell ourselves. We go even deeper and figure out what authenticity means for each of us

The exploration of self-deception looms large in the discourse of personal development and authenticity. Our discussion endeavors to unearth the intricate layers of the lies we tell ourselves, often veiled in the guise of self-preservation or societal acceptance. We embark upon a profound examination of the narratives we construct, which may serve to protect us from confronting uncomfortable truths about our emotions, desires, and limitations. Through candid reflections, we illuminate the path toward authentic existence, advocating for a rigorous self-examination that allows us to discern truth from fiction in our internal dialogue. What does it mean to be authentic in a world that often rewards duplicity? This inquiry leads us to confront our fears and the discomfort that accompanies vulnerability, ultimately positing that the journey to authenticity is fraught with challenges yet replete with the potential for profound personal growth.

All right, you ready?

Yes.

What is so funny?

I'm feeling.

I'm waking up still.

I'm waking up still, you know?

Get on up.

You gotta get on up.

Yeah.

I was like, move your body to me.

I don't know where that note came from.

I love how we.

But yes, very.

That.

What's up, King?

As.

He's going.

I don't know why, but yes, I wanna.

I wanna feel the heat.

But anyway, I wanna feel the baby.

I wanna feel some.

I don't know.

Is that Sylvester?

I don't know who sings that.

That might be.

I think so, too.

Might have to go find it.

Cause I've only heard it in, like, a.

Like a drag queen mix, like a dance mix that they've made, and, like, done the whole bucking on show or in a talent for a pageant type situation.

But I know what you were singing.

Yeah.

I was thinking the Jodeci person.

Yeah.

Or.

I don't wanna talk to you, so you better get.

That's the.

One of my.

That's one of my favorite Destiny's Child songs.

It was such a good song.

And I'm.

I had the biggest crush on latoya.

She is so pretty.

I think she's.

I think she's gorgeous.

I think she's.

Actually, I liked Latavia, interestingly enough.

But I think I liked her cause she had a unique name and because I wanted to stand for the girl that was, like, different from everybody else.

So I felt like all the other girls were, like, pretty, like they gave Houston, and she just was, like, eccentric and different.

Mm.

I like Latavia when I was growing up.

Okay, I'm ready.

Listen, listen, y' all here getting microphones and sounding foolish.

This is not just another podcast where two men are talking about bullshit and don't make any sense.

This is.

This is a real conversation for real adults.

What's.

Waheeda.

What are we even talking about?

What are we even talking about?

Listen to it now, because you want to know what we're talking about.

What's up, King?

What's up, sir?

Hey, y'.

All.

What's up, y'?

All?

What's up?

To all the rest of you out there, welcome to the what Are We Even Talking about podcast.

I'm gonna tell you, I think you've been here before.

You don't seem like you're new here, so in case you are, I don't know.

Sometimes we get new listeners every other week.

We take turns choosing the topic unbeknownst to the other.

That's what happens here?

Yeah.

So we try to make sure that the conversation is unrehearsed and authentic.

And most importantly, and this is, like, super significant, we want this to be a safe space for you, our friends, to be vulnerable.

Yeah.

So get yourselves ready.

Get your mocktails, get your tattails, get your thought tails.

Shake your tail.

Shake your tail.

Feather if you have to.

You know, I got my thought tail.

And get ready to find out.

I don't know why.

And I've never thought about this before, but we be giving Barry Damon and Damon Wayans and David.

David Alegre from A Living Color.

What was the show?

Men.

What was that?

Men on Film.

Very.

That.

I got my thoughts here.

Yes.

Anyway, tell the people who you are.

But what are we gonna find out?

Oh, yeah.

At some point, before we get too far, we're gonna find out what are we even talking about.

Wahwe time.

Cause clearly, I don't know what's been going on with me lately, but I'd just be ready to dive right in.

It's like, yeah, all the introductions.

Listen back to the previous episode.

See, y' all know what's going on here.

Let's dive in.

You know, that's on me.

My bad.

For all of you new listeners, we welcome you to this experience.

We hope that you enjoy what you're about to hear.

As we said, the way the focus of this show is that neither one of us know what the other one is going to talk about.

This week is my week.

So King Christopher has no idea.

But before we talk about who King Christopher is, I. I am pj, sir.

Pj, AKA Rip Van Winkle.

And I am Christopher, also known as King Christopher.

Or you can just call me Clean Dick Trade.

Because I know we've all met a piece of dirty dick trade.

And I want it to be clear that while I am a piece of trade, my dick is clean.

Thank you.

Wow.

Wow.

When you say clean, please, please elaborate.

It's open water.

I won't speak to whether or not a pair of scissors have gone there or not.

It's for you to find out if we get that deep.

Oh.

Ladies and gentlemen, we are recording this on a.

Normally, do not record on Saturdays.

Our schedules have been a little bouncy, bouncy.

Happy Saturday or whatever.

Yeah.

So this is our Saturday energy.

Hope you like if it makes sense.

But, you know, hey, welcome, y'.

All.

We're happy to hear you have you here.

See you here.

I haven't had any weed.

I just woke up.

So this is.

This is what you Guys, his week, so he can't have any weed.

Let's be mindful.

Let's be mindful.

Because he don't do right.

But I can't open a bottle of wine that I do have from my neighbor.

She bought me some wine.

So you know what I want to try?

I want to try that me and you Regina King's wine that she dedicated to her son.

So like to try that.

I was watching.

It's so funny you say this.

So for this week, how I've been, I've been okay.

And the reason why I've been okay, because I've.

I am such a huge fan of Angie Martinez RS RRL in in real life podcast that's on YouTube and you can hear it also.

And Regina King was just her guest.

Great conversation.

I only caught about, like, the first 30 minutes of it, and then I had to go to sleep because I had to work.

But from what I got so far, like, I adore Regina King, and she's always in, like, my top 10, you know, as far as actors.

And now she's like in my top 10 of producers and directors.

Like, I love her work and I adore her and she's gorgeous, you know, because.

What you gonna do, Chicago?

What you gonna do?

You ain't gonna do shit right?

But brush that tired ass Fade.

What, your dick don't get hard?

What, you taking steroids?

I feel like this is a movie that I should know, but I don't.

What you don't.

What you know about love?

You don't even keep your fucking nails clean.

Wow.

Okay, I'm gonna give you one more.

I was like, yeah, I feel like we might be getting closer, but we're not there.

I'm give you one more.

Cousin Pete.

Cousin Pete.

Wow.

As he googles it.

Because I'm like, yeah, a lot of references.

None of them are hidden.

They're sticking to the wall.

Poetic Justice.

Got it.

You've never seen Poetic Justice.

I have.

I have.

I definitely have.

But it's been a really, really long time.

And I don't think it gave, like, cult classic in the way that it did for other people.

If anything, I might have just seen it the one time when it first came out and never watched it again.

Because I want to say when I was young, that might have been a movie that my parents were, like, a little questionable about us watching.

Okay.

Like, when I was a kid, I don't know.

And I always wonder if other people have this experience.

Like, when I was a kid, I used to have to turn my head on the sex scenes.

Did you have to do that?

Is that a black household thing or was that just our household?

That was just our household thing.

My parents, we used to watch.

We used to watch Dream on together.

Now, I don't know if you remember Dream On.

Dream on was an old school.

I was an HBO show about a guy who was like.

I think he was like an advertisement agent.

Agent.

And.

But he would daydream.

And he would daydream all the time about sex.

And it was the wildest thing.

But, like, I can't believe I used to watch this with my parents.

Like, we were like.

This was family time.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I grew up in a quite an odd household.

And that's probably why I'm so comfortable in talking about the things that I talk about and how I talk about things.

Because we were very open and honest about a lot of things.

There was nothing really taboo unless you were homosexual.

That nap you gay.

Keep that shit.

It might be another conversation you.

So, yeah, so that's.

My week has been great, actually.

I've been.

I've been really trying to work on myself and trying to do some.

Make some changes, so to speak.

Trying to.

For those of you who will eventually see this, because as you know, guys, we have one video up on YouTube.

I've been working on getting everything together.

And I am not the greatest at it because it does take a lot of work out of me, but I love doing it.

But the rest of them will be up.

But for when you finally see this, I've cleaned out my wall.

I've taken all the stuff down from behind me, and I'm going to redo it again.

So right now I'm very standing in front of a very plain blue and gray wall.

And that's it.

That's how I kind of feel right now.

Kind of plain?

Ish.

Kind of.

But we're working through it.

What about you, sir?

How have you been?

Since you never asked me, I just asked myself.

Yeah, I caught that.

I wasn't gonna say anything.

It felt like it was just a part of the flow.

I will say that it has been several hundreds of days since I have had a dick in my mouth.

And it's starting to make me a little antsy.

However, I had a really good week.

Work was cool.

We've implemented some new processes that have made my job a lot smoother than it once was.

So I think I'm actually gonna be able to ride.

Interestingly enough, I had my first job interview in many years.

Well, Since I interviewed for Progressive, actually I had my first job interviewed.

The girls be hitting me with the rejection letters.

They be like, unfortunately, we've decided to go with other candidates, bitch, and you are not one of them.

However, I had a job interview this week and I feel very good about it.

If they don't lowball me on the coin once they bring back this offer, I might be salsa ing my way on out of here.

But outside of that, I made some improvements as far as like, clearing out space when it comes to people had told, I had told a, like, yo, this ain't gonna work.

I'mma bounce.

I had to tell a friend, hey, I'm not responsible for your feelings.

I'mma bounce.

Which I didn't tell my friend that.

And who knows, we may be able to repair the friendship beyond where we are.

But right now I'm a little irritated and so I'm just kind of in this pissy mood of like feeling like, who knows, I may potentially bounce.

They'll probably listen to this and it might be after we've had a reconciliation talk.

So if that is the case, just so you know, I thought about bouncing, but outside of that, I had a really good week.

I've been very grateful.

I've been very thankful for my energy.

I've been very grateful that I've been incredibly committed to myself and all the things that I've been saying that I want to do on a day to day basis.

Like, I went through at the beginning of last week and wrote out in my like physical planner all the things that I wanted to do every day of the week.

I wrote myself little inspirational messages.

It was really, really cute.

I felt very super cute and productive and efficient and girly and fun.

It all turned out well.

Like, I did laundry and I took out garbage and I, you know, washed linens and I romanticized my life.

I felt very fanciful.

So, yeah, good week for me.

Yeah, that's good.

I think it's, I think it's, it's, it's season is changing.

So, yeah, and it's my birthday month.

My.

I have this widget on my computer that actively tells me every day how many days I am away from my birthday.

Eight days.

So that's a fun to do.

It's a fun to do.

We are entering my birthday month.

I said we are in it.

We're not in it yet.

We got a couple more days.

Come on, August.

Get out of here, creep.

But we got a couple more days of August and then we will be in my birthday month and we will swiftly be getting rid of these surly ass Virgos and moving into the best season of the year, baby.

Listen.

Don't know what season that is.

I'm gonna let PJ tell you because he's really excited to share.

Listen.

Because when Libra season hits.

And so here's the thing, and I, you know, we're be.

Be mindful, y' all king starts off the Libras.

I close out the Libras.

That's actually one of the things I think that make our connection so really great, especially for this podcast.

Like, it really, really helps balance everything because we're the same, but we're not the same.

But like, it's, it's, it's important to know that we let all y' all have y' all time, all right?

And we gracefully just say, enjoy, enjoy.

We don't come back at you.

We don't be like, oh, Libras are the best.

We don't.

Because we know what the truth is.

We don't have to prove anything.

And we know that y' all know.

As our time comes in here, all y' all want to go in bad mouth and start running your mouth.

But you know what?

We're gonna still let y' all have this moment.

So y' all Virgos, y' all go ahead, keep planning the rest of your life away.

You know, go ahead, organize everything that you got.

But still stay unorganized.

Do your thing, you know, I mean, make your money, do your thing.

But when it's time for us to shine, we don't want to hear no.

All right?

And we got some special things lined up for during Libra season anyway, so stay tuned.

So if you see me, just know I'm popping dick.

Wait, what?

We gotta let me know.

Get into it.

Okay, Speaking of getting into it, so what's, what's your segment today?

What we getting into?

So I'm gonna divert to something that's really different for me because as you know, like, I don't know, I like to think that I'm the softer side of wada.

But today I'm gonna introduce the new segment called Things I'm Motherfucking Tired Of.

And we're gonna start it off right now.

Things I'm motherfucking tired of people trying to make me responsible for their feelings.

I wanted to be clear that if you've never experienced therapy, I hate that for you, but now's the time.

Especially if you think that for whatever reason that I have some form of responsibility as it applies to managing or helping to aid in or in any way helping to heal your feelings.

If a motherfucker comes up and cuts you, they are not going to be the ones beyond cutting you that are going to repair that wound.

You're going to go to a doctor, you're going to get a band aid, you're going to get some peroxide, whatever it takes, you're going to do what's necessary to work towards healing that wound.

It works the same way as it applies to your feelings.

Sweetheart.

They are yours.

They are personal, they are internal.

And I am not here to cater to them.

I am not here to manage them.

I am not here to serve as a band aid for them.

I'm tired.

Another thing that I am tired of is people that feel that for whatever reason when they are having negative experiences in their life, that it gives them the authority to then turn into a nasty, nasty, evil, spirited human being.

If you live in America, you know who the.

The president is.

It's very rare that anybody is not going through something in their day to day life.

You're not the only one.

You don't get to be an.

You don't get to be a.

Because you're going through something.

Get it the.

Get it together.

I am tired.

One more thing.

Because I want to keep it short and sweet and I want to go back to being my delicate, demure self.

Another thing that I am motherfucking tired of is people who swear that they are ready to seek something romantically, but they know that they're not.

You know, you're not ready.

You know, you don't even know what you're looking for.

Furthermore, are you looking for something serious?

But you're still out here in these motherfucking streets wasting your time as well as other playing in people's space and then getting mad when a motherfucker don't want to have nothing else to do with you.

Bitch, stop fucking playing with me.

Because if you've ever seen the movie or the Broadway musical Chicago, you know he had it coming.

I'm tired and that's all I have on it.

PJ, back to you.

He ran into my knife 12 times.

Oh, wow, y' all really got him up.

Y' all for real, like, because that.

You sound like me for a Second.

Okay.

A little bit.

I'll tell you what you could do better about.

No, I'll let you have that.

Let you add it.

Yeah.

No, because there'll be moments where I listen back to it.

I'll be like, yo, I sound so angry.

But, you know, it's okay.

It gets hyper aggressive sometimes.

And that's fine.

Sometimes that's what people need.

This is what people need.

And so, like, I'm gonna, you know, we're gonna keep talking while you talked about things that get on your nerves.

I'm gonna tell all of you the same thing I've always been saying.

You know, let's do better.

Let's do better.

All right, so we're gonna get back to the original.

Okay?

Now, some of these are not just for you, the listeners.

Some of these are not just for you.

You out there.

Some of these are for me.

Okay?

I admit it.

Number one, you.

You.

I' ma call you back.

Motherfuckers, me.

Okay.

Okay.

Understand?

I know.

Hey, I'm gonna call you back.

No, I'm not.

No, I'm not.

Unless I really am.

But no, I'm not.

You know, I mean, if you say, I'm gonna call you back and I'm supposed to be sitting here waiting with bated breath by the phone waiting for you, and you don't call me back, understand that it's gonna be my.

My.

Your new best friend is my answering machine.

And I actually have one.

I do listen to my messages.

I won't listen to yours, but I do have messages.

Okay, Number two, and this is to piggyback off of what you said, and I wrote these down today, okay?

If you say you want love, act like it.

Stop out here giving false pretenses about what you desire and what you want from people when you can't even give it to yourself.

Okay?

What if RuPaul?

Steal from someone else.

If you can't.

Love from yourself.

If you can't love yourself, how could I?

You could love somebody else.

Okay, I was gonna say everything just about.

Just about.

Okay.

Pride, you know, Black love, You know, everything.

Tell the people how to be better, okay?

And most importantly.

And this is this.

Is this.

This sums up everything, okay?

Stop saying that you're trying to be better for you.

Stop saying you trying to be a better person, but you're doing the same.

You ain't trying to be better.

You just trying to do a diff.

You trying to do the same on a different day, hoping that a different person will not fall for the same.

You fell for the last person fell for.

Okay, understand this.

You're.

You're a piece of.

And you don't have to be a piece of.

Just know it.

Like I know I'm a piece of at times.

I know I am.

I admit it.

I know I'm the problem.

I can be the problem.

But I also know that I'm the solution.

So which one do you want to be today?

The problem or the solution?

Okay, there is a lot to unpack there and I'm okay with that.

We don't have to unpack it today, but I do want to piggyback off of something that you said.

And this is what I want to make clear to people.

I'm on a schedule.

Everything in my life is planned down to the time that it's supposed to happen.

I literally write it out in a calendar.

Every day.

I wake up at this time, I work at this time, I go to lunch at this time, I get off at this time every morning, I pray, I journal, I meditate, I read scripture, I brush my teeth, I wash my face, I make my bed in the afternoon, I take prep, I take a shower before bed, I journal it again.

And then I try to be in bed by 10 o'.

Clock.

I run a tight ship.

So if you tell me that you are going to call me at a certain time, don't get me wrong, I understand things come up.

I understand that things happen that put you in the position as to where you might have become busy or distracted or whatever that looks like.

However, if I've been sitting and waiting for you and then I don't hear from you, and you called me an hour and a half later once I'm no longer available or I've moved on to the next thing in the schedule, understand that you're not talking to me again until whenever you call back, because that's just where we are.

I'm not calling you back in response to the missed call because you said that you were gonna call an hour and a half ago and at this point my train has left the station.

God bless you on your journey and feel how you wanna feel about that because at this point, I don't have the energy to care.

That's how I feel about somebody.

If I owe you money, and we have agreed that I would give you said money back, and I have tried several times and I still owe it to you.

And if you listen to this, you know who you are and I still have it.

It's been spending, but I still can, you know, give it.

But What I'm not going to do is reach out to you again, so you must not want it.

And you have a time frame before it says it's no longer available, you know, so I'm gonna need you to, you know, reach out and say something, you know, because I'm not gonna sit here and chase you for what you know is yours already.

Because it won't be anymore.

Because in a minute, I need to buy it.

Whoever you is and whatever the about about it is, I need to buy the pockets.

Looking a little low.

Yeah, you know, mighty low.

Mighty low.

I knew that one.

Okay.

Okay, good.

All right.

We stepping in the right direction.

We're gonna do an episode with movies and stuff.

Yeah, yeah, someday.

What is this?

On my timeline.

I'm sorry, I just looked over at my screen and I don't know where the social medias be feeling like you.

Do you ever get notifications from different social media apps where they're like, we found a post that we feel you might be interested in.

Do you get that?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Threads has started doing it and randomly up on my screen, I look and it says, I'll make you angel nigger, eat my dick.

Fuck you mean?

And I'm like, whoa.

And Threads, Why did you think that that was something that I would be interested in?

How dare you?

Because it's something that you would be interested in.

Threads, bitch, you don't know me.

That's like what that's like with Facebook.

Be like, here are some suggested friends, friends that you may know.

And it'd be like all these ho ass niggas.

And you know, some of them I do know, but I'll be like, I.

Don'T know how you knew or what made you know that I knew them.

Like, maybe they were like.

I think a lot of times it's like people that were like at one point in your contact.

But what else?

Deep side.

So I do have a question.

Just because it's something that's been on my mind and I know that you know, this is something that you have great experience in.

So as somebody that is so experienced, I thought I might come and talk to you about it.

What are we even talking about?

W a W E T A dot podcast or Wawida podcast.

And I'm putting you on the spot because I know you're juggling three topics and I'm gonna make you pick one.

I've already picked, so.

And it's so interesting.

So now, now I. I'm gonna swift, swiftly shift.

Swiftly shift.

Okay, this is not A trigger, warning conversation.

This is a real conversation.

Okay.

And here we go.

Are you ready?

I'm so ready that it hurts.

I don't know why I said it like that.

I don't know.

Like this today.

Lord, help me.

Help me help myself.

Thank you.

Thank you, Jesus.

Well, a lot of us do this and a lot of us, you know, say these things and a lot of us don't understand it.

And I mean, I mean, some of this was actually mentioned a little bit earlier just now.

But I really want to talk about the lies that we tell ourselves versus walking in our truths.

Oh, yes, Deep.

Yeah, I want to get a little deep with it, but I still want to have some fun with it because, you know, I think that we, we, we each have done this and I know I've done it.

I've, I've.

I walk in my truth now, but I wasn't always walking in my truth, you know, And I do a lot of, you know, a lot of.

What's the word?

What's the word I'm thinking about?

Are you contradicting?

No, no.

Try another one.

Describe the word and we'll see if we can find it together.

Cooperation makes it happen.

No, I do a lot of self analyzation.

Okay.

You know, and I realized that, you know, I, I get stuck in my head too.

So it's just like, I'm not sure how many people out there get stuck in your head.

Especially when you're sitting there telling all these things like, I want love, but you know, you're lying to yourself.

Do you really want love or do you just want somebody to be there?

Like, there's, there's so many different aspects of this.

But first, before we get started, let me, let me, let me ask you a question.

Sure.

You ready for this?

What do you think?

Oh, yeah.

What is the.

I'm sorry.

Let me ask you another question.

Hold on.

Wait.

What were you about to ask me?

No, because all I heard was, what is the biggest.

I was like, wait, what?

No, seriously, what is.

No, no, no.

What is the biggest lie that you've told yourself?

That you act like it was truth?

That I loved myself and I was happy.

The better portion of three decades.

I told it.

Yeah.

Yeah, I think.

Yeah, yeah.

I like, mine is.

Mine is two words and you said that earlier, but you only didn't say it the same way.

You just said, that's fine.

And I read it like, oh, I'm sorry.

Okay, I'll do what I got.

But like, mine is.

I'm fine.

You know, I know a lot of people out there, you know, I'm fine.

I'm fine.

If I ever say I'm fine, I'm not fine.

Just say that.

You know, I work.

I started working on being more intentional about how I describe myself to people because, like, when I ask people how they're doing, I'm really asking.

So, like, I'm trying to move beyond that whole generic of, oh, like, all is well or everything's cool, or I'm good, but.

Because a lot of times, like, there's a more expansive answer, like, you know, things are well, but I've been kind of dealing with this, so I've been a little this or that.

Like, when I'm asking, I really care to know, or, you know, otherwise I wouldn't ask.

Why does my.

Is it the blur or am I this skinny?

I was like, why my arm looks so small right here?

Something's going out.

It's giving Whitney.

Not as giving Whitney.

Do you know Diane?

Do you.

I don't know.

I'm sorry.

I had a moment, but.

Oh, hold on.

But no, I think.

Yeah.

So in that, like, if I'm asking somebody, I'm definitely asking from a place of sincerity, but then also, like, I don't know.

I just feel like I'm tired of just, like, being generic, and I want to be a lot more intentional with the words that I use so that I can start, like, speaking things over my life.

Because I think that's another reason that I find myself stuck in places sometimes, is because I. I create truths that are not necessarily the truth.

Like, I just tell myself, like, oh, you know, I'm tired when, no, I've gotten plenty of rest.

I'm not necessarily tired.

I just don't feel like doing what I'm doing.

Or I'll tell myself that I'm being lazy.

And it's not necessarily that I'm being lazy.

I'm burnt out.

Or I'll tell myself that I'm trying to think of another example.

I'll tell myself that I am one thing that I actively have been doing lately and I need to stop doing because I don't even know that I tell myself so much as I convince myself.

I'll convince myself in a moment because somebody starts talking, talking good to me, saying all the right things, making me feel nice.

I'll tell myself, hmm, Well, I know that I said I'm not ready.

I know that I said that there are things that I want to get together for myself.

I know that I said that I'M in this space of trying to like, make sure that I have myself together before I go entertain being together with somebody else.

But maybe I can just see what they're talking about.

Maybe if I just like let them scratch that itch of, you know, communication and companionship and like alleviating the loneliness, I'll find myself feeling better.

And of course that's never true.

It.

It's always exactly what I know it to be.

It's distracting.

It's me recognizing that you're not ready and you need to stop pretending and you need to recognize that it is what it is.

When you're ready, you'll know.

When you're ready, things will be appear more clearly.

When you're ready, things will feel more put together than they are and you'll end time will tell and you'll be able to understand and recognize the people that are actually meant to be a part of your life.

But I'll convince myself for a brief moment like, oh, but he's talking so good and I've been so lonely and maybe if I just give him some time and attention, it'll kind of serve to be the purpose that I need it to be.

But it's never that.

Never that at all.

You know, I, I find it that it's, it's usually the, the, the little like the lies that I tell myself.

Besides that I'm fine is.

You know, I'm good with being alone.

You know, and there are aspects of it that is true.

Like I'm.

I am an extroverted introvert.

You know, I with that.

I've never thought about that.

But I with that, I like that for myself too.

And I've always thought I can't do this with you today too.

Please.

Two please.

To please.

Extra sugar.

I've always, I've always thought myself to be an extrovert.

But you know, I realized especially as I've gotten older, especially after the pandemic happened, how, how much better I feel when I'm alone.

There was a post that I had posted recently that said that you were going in your.

So now that you've built this, you've.

You've been in your hermit era and you know, now that you've, You've made yourself feel that you know how to be alone now you don't know how to interact with people anymore.

And there are parts of me that I get that way because sometimes I know, I know.

And as, as weird as people don't understand this, I feel like I know that this I'm Very sexual.

I'm.

I feel like sexual is not the word that you wanted to say.

It was not, but you letting the people know what's up.

Okay.

At the same time, where does the sexual go?

It's the Freudian slips that are coming.

Out because I'm very sexual.

I was like, hold on.

I don't know that that applies to the conversation that we're having in the moment.

Let's go deeper.

I was.

Let's.

Let's.

Please, let's go deeper.

Dig deeper.

You know where that's from, right?

That's from the Cosby Show.

Oh, well, there's that.

The people gonna be taking my black card in a minute, and I'm okay with that.

No, but I'm very.

I'm very socially awkward.

I could understand how we got sexual from that.

I can now that we're here.

I know.

Okay.

Okay.

Yeah.

So, like, there are moments where I know I. I'm around people all the time, and I love being around people, you know, but at the same time, like, I don't know how to act around people.

And it's because I've been alone for so long, and I've been okay with being alone, but the truth is, I'm not, you know, that's.

It's a big lie that I'm telling myself.

Like, I come home and I've gotten used to.

As soon as I walk in this door, I chill, I eat.

I might hop on the game.

I might take this dog for a walk.

I might touch myself.

I might, you know, take a shower and then touch myself again.

I might.

Every night I get away I don't need nobody, baby, but you Yes.

T Boss, come on, T. Boss, come on.

And the original version, not.

Not the Richie Rich remix.

Okay.

I won't be afraid.

I just saw the whole.

Her wiping herself and looking at herself in the mirror.

Like, I just.

Let me.

Let me go ahead and watch Fled again, just so I can see that.

But anyway, so this is the.

The reason why I wanted to have this conversation is because I feel as if right now we're embarking on new journeys of our.

Of our lives.

Right?

You about to be 41, like, actually in your 40s, right?

Me, I'm approaching you in it.

Okay.

Me, I'm approaching my mid-40s.

Like, I'll be 45 at the end of October.

Well, you know, at the end of Libra season.

And I am starting to really.

I've been watching all of these different videos.

It says, hey, if you're in your 40s, you need to watch this.

And it's just like, hey, if you want to make a change, you need to start doing this now.

Like, these are the things that.

That are happening for a person at your age.

If you want to change and you want to do better, if you want to move forward and you want to say you want to do all these things, well, you start to be honest with yourself, not just with.

You expect other people to be honest with you.

How you gonna be honest with yourself?

First?

So.

Oh, so sexy.

Excuse me.

So let me ask you another question.

Sure.

When it comes to.

You didn't ask me if I was ready.

Are you ready?

Wait, I didn't even get to come.

I'm sorry.

I don't know why that made me think about that.

Did you?

Did you?

But yes, I'm ready.

I'm sorry.

If we could get through this, you.

Know, it's definitely giving drama.

Okay, what's your question?

Besides, that is a vibe, y'.

All.

What about the big lies?

So we talked about these little lies.

These little lies are one thing, you know, like, but they're the bigger lies that we tell ourselves.

Do you have any big lies that you really think is too big of a lie?

And you act as if it's not.

Two that come to mind.

The first one being, I often tell myself I don't need anybody.

And I think it kind of relates to what you were saying about being okay with being alone.

Like, I've gotten to this space now where I've gotten to a place in my life where I've, like, kind of almost feel like I was forced into this space of, like, isolation and independence and having to do so many things for myself and having to take charge of so many areas of my life and, like, kind of being separated from people on an overall level, especially from the physicality of it all.

Like, of course I still have relationships with people.

I talk to people on the phone, I text, I'm in the social media spaces, of course we're here.

But from, like, a actual in person relationship, it's very rare for me.

And I tell myself often that I don't need that in order to be okay, that I've become comfortable with it, that I feel satisfied in it, but I don't a lot of.

And I.

And I know that in moments where I feel incredibly lonely, I know that in moments where I feel like I'm unfulfilled and that maybe if I had somebody around to spend time with, that I would feel a little bit differently than that another one.

And this applies to my mental health, and we said no trigger warning earlier, but I'll go ahead and give one just in case anybody else can relate to this.

There will be times where I will wake up on a random Saturday, and I don't know if it'd be giving wake up on the wrong side of the bed.

I don't know if this is, like, any type of mental health, something, a diagnosis that I don't have.

I don't know if this is my ADHD kicking in and, like, tapping me on my ass because I haven't had the dopamine kick that I need.

But I will wake up on a random Saturday and say, I hate everybody.

Nobody loves me.

I don't have any friends.

And I will sink into that feeling and I will feel very, very low.

And I will have a very long and very sad day.

And I know it's not true.

I have too many examples of people that genuinely care for me and that genuinely love me and that genuinely support me in all that I do.

But for whatever reason, in a moment I'll feel that way.

And then because I'm feeling it, it's like, well, let's lean into that and think of all the reasons why that's possibly true.

So, yeah, that's.

That.

That's a big one for me that I think shows up.

A lot of times it's just feeling like nobody gives a fuck about me.

Everybody's out doing their own thing, worried about what they're focused on kind of living their lives, having their experiences, and I'm just kind of like an afterthought.

And I don't like it.

It doesn't make me happy.

And I hate when it comes up and I do everything in my power to.

I'm not even gonna lie.

That's.

That was about to be another lie.

Because I don't do everything in my power to avoid it when it comes.

Like I said, I embrace it and I feed it.

But I definitely wish that it wouldn't come because it's a nasty feeling to have and I don't like being in that experience.

It's super topic, toxic, you know, it's crazy.

It's crazy that you say that, right?

Because this goes into, like, the conversation of, like, I'm fine, right?

And I get this.

I feel this way all the time.

And like, these past couple of days, it's been leading up to it, but, like, yesterday was, like, the worst of it.

And it's crazy because we may not remember things, but your Body remembers trauma.

And yesterday was the actual day that my cousin died.

And I don't know what it was, but I woke up like that on the wrong side of the bed.

I woke up, like, angry.

I woke up, like, no one needs me, no one wants me.

I woke up, like, not suicidal or not, you know, ready to unalive myself, but I woke up on, like, the, like, feeling worthless, you know, And I. I woke up not wanting to do anything or be around anybody.

And of course, I had to work two funerals yesterday.

So it's always the moments where you don't want to be around nobody, where it's like, you got to be around 90.

Like, today.

I don't feel like being around anybody.

Cut to concerts, okay?

And, like, having to, like, put on the facade, the smile, you know?

And us Libras are so good at masking what's going on with us that oftentimes people never really know until it's too late.

And I've been down that path already.

I've been down that road.

I really am trying my best to stay away from that road.

And I'm trying my best to be honest with myself as these things are happening, as these feelings are popping up.

And I think it starts with, you know, when someone really asks you, how are you feeling today?

And you're just being really honest.

Like, you know, I'm.

I'm not the greatest right now.

I'm not.

Okay.

And had we probably recorded this yesterday, it probably.

I had a different.

Completely different topic for you yesterday, and it probably would have went deeper in a different direction.

I'm glad we didn't do it yesterday because the topic is still coming down the road.

But today, based on a conversation I was having with someone about the lies we tell ourselves, I was like, I would love to see what Christopher has to say about this, and I would love for this to be a topic for us today.

Because they were saying that they're not talented enough.

And whether that is true or not true based on whoever is watching, those are the.

Those are the.

Not just the lies that we tell ourselves, but those are, like, the seeds of, like, disappointment and things that are going to make it worse as time goes on.

In my opinion, I could be wrong again.

Once again, no, Christopher has said this.

Christopher has said this, but I have not said this.

I am not a clinical professional, okay?

I am just a person who has gone through a lot of shit and lived through a lot of shit, just as many of us are, and can use my experience to help somebody Else.

Interestingly enough, though, I will tell you about someone who is.

I'm currently listening to the audiobook Breaking the Habit of being yourself by Dr. Joe Dispenza.

You probably aren't going to be able to see this because of the glare, but.

By Dr. Joe Dispenza.

And he was just talking about, like, everything that you're saying.

Like, it.

It's proven science.

It's like quantum physics.

Like, you train yourself to experience the reality that you have based on these thoughts and feelings that you're having.

That's just what's real, and you don't want it.

Go ahead.

I was gonna switch it really quick.

I was like, no, no, I was gonna.

No, I was gonna just finish that off by saying that kind of goes back to the conversation that we were having previously about Manife.

About how, like, all of those things, you have to be very intentional about your words and the things that you say to yourself and, like, the ways that you speak to yourself and the thoughts that you have, the.

The messaging that you subscribe to, because all of those things show up in the way that your life looks.

And if you don't believe that you can have something, then you're not going to.

Like, one of the biggest challenges I have is saying that I want to have this new life, and I want to, you know, really be this.

Not be this different person, but, like.

Like, set myself up for the things that I want.

Yet I still have volumes and volumes of naked pictures that I have of myself that I will send if anybody asks.

Hey, y'.

All.

But, I mean, like, I was just tech.

I was just texting someone today, and I said, hey, I'm.

I'm closing out my Snapchat.

This is not.

This is not the kind of space I really want to be myself involved in right now, because I feel like I'm not getting.

I'm not getting what I need from this.

This is just a quick.

Like, a quick, like, you know, oh, I can go to Twitter and look at all that.

I'm about to close my Twitter account, my dirty Twitter, and just, like, re.

Redo myself and.

And put myself in the position of, this is what I want.

This is.

I want to do better.

So let me start.

I want to be better.

So let me start doing better.

Let me start being the person I want to be and.

And attracting what I want to attract to me.

Absolutely.

And what I was going to say is one of the other biggest lies I've ever told myself is this.

These.

These very words.

Oh, I'M over him, child.

You know, okay, like, how many of y' all out there have been in relationship after relationship and, you know, and it takes you some time, but you lie to yourself and that.

Do you believe that that phrase of the quickest way to get over somebody is to get under somebody else or on top of somebody else?

It depends on the circumstances of the situation.

I do believe that it's a good distraction if I have somebody that is keeping my attention, that's pulling my focus, especially if they're not just somebody that's a good time, but there's somebody that's actually also stimulating my mind and we're having good experiences.

I definitely believe that it's possible for me to, at that time, kind of start moving out of those emotions for the other person.

Because now at this point, I'm kind of attaching those emotions from the one person to the next.

However, I also believe that if I'm too far gone or if things are too deep with the previous person and the new person is only acting as a mild distraction, but I'm still kind of stuck in that place with the previous person, then no, definitely not.

I think if nothing else, it's just gonna take time, but also, like, it's gonna take time, and it's gonna take reprogramming, reminding myself of what's real, reminding myself of what actually matters, reminding myself of the important things that I value and the things that are greater than whatever it was that I had with this person.

Because clearly we're not together for a reason.

So I need to, like, take ownership of whatever those things are, lean into the concepts that help me to understand that better and move the fuck on and stop going back, right?

Because at this point.

And so.

And this is one of the reasons why I don't go back, right?

And, you know, I just recently learned that.

And I'm.

I'm always thinking about things that I've gone through in my complete past, like, my entire dating history.

I was laying in bed last night, touching myself, and I randomly had a flash of one of my exes.

And we're talking about, like, my second boyfriend.

Second or third.

And, like, his ass just flashed across my face.

It was good.

It was good.

You know, I'm not even gonna lie.

And then I had a. I dreamt about him.

And it was like, we.

We were.

We went out to eat, and he was like, do you still think about me?

And I said, no.

He said, if so, then why am I here?

I'm so.

Do I still think about you, I don't.

In real life, I think about what were the good things that we had that I wish would transpire into the next.

As he's yawning, ladies and gentlemen, child.

That'S that Ashwagandha bear.

You know, I think about the good times that I've had with other relationships with that relationship and see how that can move into.

How can we make that into this.

Then realizing you can't do that, that's just not something that you can do, you know?

So no matter how hard you try, no matter.

No matter how hard you try.

Now let, Let me ask you, let me ask you this.

Do you have.

Do you have any lie that you told yourself about yourself or anything else that went too far or while you.

Think about it, like, as to where it created like a form of delusion and before you knew it, now I'm over here living in an alternate reality psychosis type.

What are we talking?

No, no, no.

Okay, okay, okay.

So here's a.

Tell me yours and maybe that'll guide me.

Okay, go ahead.

I mean, like, the example I have is of me telling these, like, these lies to myself and to other people, you know, back when I was, you know, dating guys but really still dating girls, you know, and then it got to the point where, you know, everybody ready to meet this person.

And I told them the exact car that this drives, like a genius.

And they pulled up at my house, you know, and my frat brother and his girlfriend were in the car and he was like, ain't that the car she drives?

And I'm like, yeah, I don't see no girl in that car.

You.

Yeah, because that's not her.

That's her brother coming to pick me up to take me over there.

Like, things like that.

You ever had any?

No, as a matter of fact.

No, as a matter of fact, I have not.

I think one thing I will say when I was young and when I say young, I mean like 18, 19, 20, I came, I was kind of.

I rushed myself into the lifestyle.

I had never.

I always tell people I didn't know anything about what being gay meant as a child.

Thankfully, I was put in a position as to where I was able to be a kid as a kid.

So there were several things that I wasn't exposed to.

The only thing that I had ever heard about anybody being gay was Dan on the Real World World.

And they never talked about him having sex with men.

They just talked about him being gay.

And you could see that he was effeminate and Somewhat dramatic and all these different things, but that's all that I knew.

And then as I turned 18, I went to my first gay club.

And I kind of just got enthralled into this world of, like, clubs and being around a lot of gay men that were older and all of these different things.

And so I think for me, just never wanting to be limited to the idea of, of being somebody's plaything and never wanting to feel like, I don't know, I didn't.

I had so many.

I had a masculinity complex, and I had so many things that I associated with, like femininity and being weak and being smaller than somebody.

So, like, I used to, like, all the time.

Like my, my very first time having sex, dick was in my mouth, but I used to lie and tell them, a, a minute, baby, I don't suck dick just because I never wanted anybody to think that, like, in any way, like, they could, like, like me.

I used to, like, say things like, oh, yeah, I'm a full top.

Whole time I heard getting tossed from side to side.

Everybody offense.

Not everybody, but a lot of people.

I'll be honest.

A lot of people off in this ass.

But like, oh, yeah, baby, I don't give.

You ain't gonna be playing off of me.

Whole time.

Busting it open, riding it, legs up, ladies on the side of the bed.

Ladies and gentlemen, here's the thing.

All right?

Follow you, follow you.

Air quotation tops out there, okay?

You know, they're saying everybody stops with somebody else's bottom.

My one of Clarence, AKA Junior used to always tell me, the best top is the better bottom.

And I never understood that until I started bottoming.

And I'm like, okay, okay.

And so I used to always tell people, you know, especially, those are the big lies I would tell myself that I'm like a total anything.

You know, I don't do this, I don't do that.

And no one behind closed doors, baby.

I manifested my way into being a top.

Say you will.

I'm done.

I am done.

Ladies and gentlemen, thank you so much for taking the time.

But like, I, I, I, I, I could re, I could think about all those things, like, the littlest, the biggest lies I would tell myself when it came down to even stuff like that was my masculinity.

Always so worried about that because, number one, I got a big butt.

So when I walk, I walk with a switch, you know?

And I would try so hard to, like, have, like, the New York bop, you know, like, walk differently.

You know, I do walk differently in boots than I do, you know, everybody does.

But it.

It would become.

So you can tell that's not you.

You're trying to be somebody else.

And it took that ashwagasha, she is.

Wearing me out, baby.

You could tell like that that it.

It got tiring.

It got tiring trying to put up this facade, trying to not be authentically who I am, you know, like, that's why I never want to work in an environment where I can't be myself.

I don't.

I don't like code switching.

I don't feel like.

I mean, there's a.

There's a.

There's a level of code switching that we have to do as far as black people in order to survive in the workplace.

But when it comes down to changing the core things about me, I'm not doing it or I won't be here.

And if I have to do it while I'm be here, ladies and gentlemen, where do you want me to send the things?

Like, let me know, because I'm good.

I'm good.

You know, I get that.

I think once you get to a certain.

Oh, oh, I thought of one.

I thought of one.

I was just about to say something, and then it led me here.

One thing that I recognized for myself for a long time that I was lying to myself about.

And it's so interesting because it's something that I still think that I'm working on.

I lied to myself for a really long time trying to convince myself that I did not care what other people thought.

And that is one of the big lies for me.

But it's one of those things as to where I recognize now especially that I must care if I'm insecure.

I must care if I'm so worried about things, looking, sounding, feeling perfect.

I must care if I'm afraid to do it.

I must worry about how it's going to show up.

So it's obvious that other people's opinions do matter.

I just don't want to recognize that.

I don't want to take ownership in that because I want to believe for myself that I'm at an age or I'm at a place in my life experience where I've grown beyond that and other people's opinions don't matter anymore.

And I can be honest in saying that they don't rule my life in the way that they once did, but they definitely do still play an impact.

And I like to get to a point as to where that's not the case anymore.

I want to get to a point as to where it's like, I'm doing what the I want to do.

If you don't like it, oh, well.

You know, I subscribe, you know, and, and let's, let's take a step back for a second.

Let's take a little quick rewind.

Let's do better, y', all.

If y' all could just do us a favor.

Like, I know I'm tired, okay?

I know I haven't slept that much.

I don't need your dusty, crusty ass covered in makeup telling me, oh, my God, you look so tired.

Well, you would too if had your raw face on.

So, like, I don't need you telling me that as New York goes by.

Put you in asylum.

I was gonna say New York and Greece.

Putting you in the ambulance because.

Stop.

You know, because here's, here's the thing.

When you start telling people things like that, we start, you know, and I'm not gonna say we isn't everybody, but I'll speak for me.

I'm not as self conscious as I to used used to be.

I used to be really self conscious.

I used to be self conscious about my body.

You know, I would like, walk and, and hold my stomach in at all times.

You know, I would walk around and like I said, I would try to make sure I didn't switch when I walked.

I would walk around and make sure that, like, my head, my, you know, my posture was always great.

And you know, I wasn't laughing so loud because I have a loud laugh.

And that's one of the things that I am self conscious about out.

And it's like I saw somebody who came up in one of your lives one day, and I love their, their attack.

Their name, which is Crystal, Crystal West Laugh.

Because I, she always says how she hates her laugh.

And her laugh is one of the things I love about her.

Right.

It just makes me laugh.

And I.

For her to finally get to that point where she don't give a.

About that because she's gonna keep laughing and she talked about that.

I feel the same way.

Like, my laugh is.

It's, it's, it's, it's a mix between a smoker's laugh, between a loud just gay ass laugh, between just, just a cackle, you know, and a giggle and just a little bit of hey girl mixing it, you know?

So it's like I, I, I got tired of trying to minimize myself for other people.

So for their approval, I really want to get.

I really am working to get to a point where.

And I'm still working to get to this point.

Like, I, I, I can give a less what people think because I'm still going to do what I'm going to do.

But I do want to.

I am caring about how I show up in the world.

Yeah.

You know, and I think that's a healthy way to care about what other people think.

But I agree, you know, so let me ask you now as we, as we move on, when did you start being authentic?

And what does Authenticity.

Authenticity.

Authenticity.

When the what does authentic or an authentically.

What.

When.

When does.

What does it look like to you?

Because, baby, what does it look like to be.

What does it look like to you to be?

Authentic.

Authenticity.

Over there whooping your motherfucking ass, baby.

Authenticity.

Authenticity.

What is it?

And I'm just.

Authenticity.

That's why we the cousin.

But no, I think for me.

So.

I think I've had a few moments, and I feel like it's still kind of shifting and shaping and molding into what it's gonna be.

But, like, learning to recognize that my mom accepted me was a really, really big, important thing for me.

I think for a long time that was a struggle area for us because she didn't.

And so getting to the place of her actually, like, being in a better space with acceptance kind of got me to that place of feeling like, you know, I don't like, my mama loved me, my pastor loved me.

I don't care about what y' all think anymore.

And so I think for me, it allowed me that space to just kind of start showing up.

I think think beyond that.

I Facebook memories.

I would, for whatever reason, I don't know, whatever.

I don't know where my mind comes from sometimes, but, like, God has blessed me with some very profound messaging throughout time.

And I will get Facebook memories, and I will have go back and read it, and I'll be like, what profit was living in me that day that said that that intelligent and, like, divinely wise ass in that moment, where did it come from?

And I've never been a person that's gone.

And, like, if I'm gonna put a quote from somebody, it's likely a meme.

I'm not a person that goes and, like, take somebody else's words and copies and paste them.

So I know it came from me, but I'm just like, where did that come from?

So I think in moments like that, it helped me to kind of lean more into.

It's like, well, maybe you're smarter than you think maybe you're a little bit more mature and wise than you realize.

And then I think honestly to therapy.

Therapy was a really, really important catalyst for me because it gave me that space to just start, like looking at things from different perspectives and to start working on like healing and growing and loving myself even more.

And I think once I got to that place where like, self love was at the forefront and it was something that I was actively always choosing to work on, like every single day.

I'm actively working to make it as great as it possibly can be.

I think that was it for me because it's like at this point, my goal is to nurture m myself.

My goal is to love myself.

My love.

My goal is to pour into myself.

So I am.

I can't help but focus on being exactly who it is that I am, showing up in all the ways that I so desire to show up.

Because that's a big part of that journey, that self love journey, that, that growth, that healing, that development.

I can't be nobody else but me because if I'm not being that, then on some level I'm contradicting that and I can't.

I did it for so long.

Like I said at the very beginning of the episode, first lie was that I love my and that I'm happy.

I spent 30 plus years living in that space of like not allowing that to be true, wanting it to be true, pretending that it was true, telling people that it was that when it wasn't.

And now I'm at a space as to where it's real and I don't want to let it go.

So the only way that I can hold onto it with all of my grasp is to be authentic.

So you just, you just reminded me of.

I went through the exact same thing.

So I wanted to, I want you to, right now, in this moment, it go into your Facebook, go into your memories.

I'm going to read what I wrote today.

All right.

Okay.

When the sun goes down and the day comes to a close, sit and ask yourself a few questions.

Did the choices I make today set me up for success tomorrow?

What did I do to make someone smile today other than myself?

What did I do to encourage someone?

What can I do to be better than I was tomorrow today than I am for tomorrow?

If you draw a blank, don't worry, tomorrow is a due day.

If you wake up tomorrow, just make it count.

So I was feeling a little shallow because I didn't post any statuses.

I'M only seeing photos, so I can't speak to that.

But I thought that they showed you more than just like.

Because mine shows a, a photo from three years ago and it shows two photos that I posted a year ago, but I don't see any statuses.

All right, so I have, I have a photo that says time is.

This is all.

This is all.

Today's all right.

Time is not.

Is non refundable.

Use it with intention.

Dear God, if I ever start giving up, keep me going.

I know that's right.

And then how you make others feel about themselves says a lot about you.

Oh.

So ladies and gentlemen, obviously we are taking a step back in our.

Okay, so this is what I said.

Recognizing your fault, taking ownership in the ways that you could have done things better, acknowledging that you have room to grow, and recognizing that you don't have all of the answers.

Accountability.

It's easier to put all of the issues on another person.

It's easy to convince yourself that out of billions of people, you are the chosen one to be deemed so terrible and misunderstood.

It's a lot more challenging to face reality and recognize that sometimes we make poor choices.

Sometimes we don't show up as the best versions of ourselves.

Hell, sometimes despite our best efforts, we don't treat people as well as we should.

There are important lessons to be learned from your interactions with others, but you have to be willing to self examine.

And I don't know if I was reading somebody else or reading myself, but there she goes.

Okay, you know, I, I, I've looked in Facebook.

Will, will have you questioning like where am I today?

You know, because baby, there were moments.

This is so happy.

This is such a good thing.

I'm so glad you recommended this.

Since therapy last night, I've been repeating to myself, I do what I want because I can.

That shit is so empowering.

I'm learning to enjoy my life and I love that.

For me, me, cuz bab.

It was a, it was a struggle for a minute, you know?

You know what?

One thing I did that wasn't being authentic.

I joined a church because of a man.

You know what, let's talk about it.

Cuz I have often said that I would love to do that with a partner.

Not necessarily join the church for them, but like have somebody as to where like we're actively like, like on Sunday we're going because we're happy and we're in love and we want to share that experience.

We love God, we want to be a part of church, we want to be in stewardship.

We go to Bible study, the pastor, everybody in the church knows the tea.

We're that, you know, gay couple that ties very well, like all the things.

But I've always wanted that.

But it would.

No, it was, it was drastic for me.

Like, it was like from a denomination perspective.

No, just.

No, just from me perspective.

When they met me, this is back in MySpace days, okay?

So we're talking about the old, the long, long term relationship.

When they met me, you know, my MySpace back, my backdrop was shot glasses that said, I don't give a right.

And it had like, you know, like, you know, if, if for those of you who are not old enough to know you, our listeners should be old enough to know MySpace, Black Planet, okay?

And all the things that we.

All the HTML and all the things that we have do to make that MySpace, like popping my top eight, okay?

And I remember when I met him and I was trying to like, be this person that I thought that he wanted me to be, and I completely.

Within two weeks, my background changed.

It looked like angels and heaven and it was like, like God messages and like Bible scriptures.

And one of my friends, God rest his soul, Jose, Jose, Jose Henriques.

My, my, I miss that man so much.

It was like, now he's a Portuguese guy, but he was like, girl, what is going on?

Like, oh, is you cool?

Are you okay?

Are you.

What is.

Who is this person?

You know?

And like, why are you changing yourself for somebody else?

I.

You know, that was part of those little lies I started telling myself.

I needed to change who I am in order for someone to like me, in order for someone to want to be with me.

And now that I'm living more authentically, I.

It's, it's, it's, It's a catch 22.

Like, I still want to be with someone, but at the same time, like, if they can't love me for me, where I am at today without making me want to change so I can be better and be with them, I don't want it.

I gotta turn down the glare.

I'm so.

I know I'm doing it actively in the moment.

This makes me so excited because this is a sign.

It's the, it's the glare, it's the blur.

It says, stop shrinking to fit spaces.

No, stop shrinking to fit places you've outgrown.

Oh, with that pot, right?

Yeah.

I love that.

See And I think that that's.

These are all parts of like the lies that we tell ourselves.

Like we have to be small.

Like it's like you have to dim your light so someone else can be shine bright or so you don't shine brighter than other people.

Don't make me scream at the top of my lungs.

Done setting myself on fire to keep others warm.

Listen, and I think and for a long time, like even all the projects that I've ever worked on or like, like, let's say when I, when I was doing background acting, there have been moments where I knew that when I walked on set, even though I was a background actor, I knew I was going to be within shot.

Every show that I've ever done that was like total background like, and background like blurry background.

I ended up being literally right next to the star.

So everybody saw me on television whether it was.

And that's how Power started.

And Power started it from power being me being background to featured background to me being featured background with words, which is obviously more pay to all the shows I've done, all of the television shows from Power to Quantico to Blue Bloods to Murphy Brown to even working with Spike Lee and Spike Lee, she's gotta have it.

Those weren't background roles, those were scripted roles, you know, and, and I've always said, you know, I don't want to outshine anybody or I don't want to seem like I'm better than anybody else.

I'm a, you know, just blend in and, you know, but you can't, you can't dim the light that you have that people can see, you know.

And I used to tell myself this because when I was younger I was always told to be quiet, be seen, not heard, you know, and even though they always said that you have a, you have a personality for television or for, for radio or a voice for radio, you know, I was always self conscious about my voice.

I used to hate my voice.

Like, I get that.

I relate to that.

And there are moments like even when I listen back to these episodes or listen back to Highly Melanated or did you project or anything I've ever done a guest spot on.

The.

The.

Some of the things, some of the reasons why I listen back to them and maybe as often as I do is for me to really, really love all of myself and love my voice.

Love things that I would use to be like, oh, I can't believe I sound like that or I said it like that.

Oh, like, oh, that sounds so gay.

Or oh, I sound so listen.

That's my number one.

I always feel like when I hear my voice back, I sound so feminine.

And I've always been told I hear have a deep voice, but it's something about when I hear myself back, it sounds so light and feminine.

Me too.

Who's that?

Who's that talking?

Why do I sound like, you know, and I'm.

And so like it, it, it.

These are parts of the things that we, we've ingrained in ourselves and we see this probably because someone else made us see this, you know, and now we have to start living in our truth and being ourselves.

So let me ask you now, as we shift out of that, what has living in your truth now taught you about yourself that you didn't know before?

Hmm.

I think what it's taught me is to appreciate the value in my goodness.

I think for a really long time because I didn't really know how to live in my truth and I only saw myself through the lens that other people provided.

I would hear people give me compliments about certain things, but I would be.

It wasn't even false humility so much as it was just me feeling insecure and not really knowing how to take the compliment.

People I've always told told me that I'm really intelligent.

People have always told me that I'm really well spoken.

And people have always told me that I'm interesting or that I'm funny.

And for a really long time I didn't know how to embrace those things because I didn't know how to see them.

And I think now that I've started to recognize more of who I am and now that I have a better sense of self concept and I can live in my truth based on that sense of self concept, I recognize all of those things.

I am smart, I do speak well, I am pretty clever.

Sometimes I will tell a joke and it'll have the whole room in tears or in stitches or whatever that looks like.

So I think more or less what it taught me was just learning to embrace all of the goodness that I have to offer into the world.

It's taught me that I can truly appreciate the value and my greatness and that I don't have to lean on or depend on anybody else's view of who I am to define how I feel about myself.

And you know what?

Like, for me, it's always taught me like, like it's taught me now that I don't have to use a gimmick in order to get people to like Me, you know, like, I never wanted to be.

And after I used.

And I'll be honest, I used to look down upon them like content creators who have to put on wigs to be funny.

Haha.

You know, and it's like.

And it's funny.

Yeah, but are you funny without it?

Are you, You.

Is this just the character?

It's the only character that you can do.

And so, like, even when.

How deep do you want to go into that conversation?

No, I would love to go deeper as.

No, keep going.

No, it's fine, keep going.

I'll let you get to your point and then we'll come back.

Even when.

Even when we were on set at.

Before and we used to do a show where we would all.

And I had 26 wigs in my closet and I only bought it for us.

And I would.

I, like.

Demi, will tell you that when we first started doing it, I felt so uncomfortable.

I didn't want to do it.

I didn't want to be part of it, you know, this and that, whatever.

Like.

Like number one, I always felt like it made me more feminine than I, you know, I really am.

But then at the same time, I am pretty feminine in most parts.

I'm.