As Jose recovers from the disastrous trip to the Milk and Honey Farm, Jack helps the hospital staff with an unusual problem.

JACK OF ALL TRADES is a Faustian Nonsense Original. Check it out and read the full scripts under "transcript" at faustiannonsense.com/jack-of-all-trades , and subscribe to our Patreon at patreon.com/faustiannonsense .

Cast:

Jaci Szilagyi as Jack Withers

Joe Cruz as Jose Perez

Amelia Kinch as Edwith Knight

Ryan Boyd as Drew Fellows, RN

Sam Siegel as Byron Dumpleskin

Benjudah Feinen as Nurse 1

Episode 8: Two Weeks Notice

INTRO

JACK

Hi! I’m Jack. Listen closely, it’s all real and very, very important.

JOSE

You still think this is some grand adventure, don’t you?

JACK

It’s my story. Our story.

Thanks for listening to...Jack of All Trades.

JOSE

Is that seriously what we’re calling it--?

[Cut to intro music.]

SCENE ONE

[General hospital background noises throughout. Banshee scream triggers the Keystone on.]

JACK

[startled out of nap]

What the--what was that? That did not sound human...

NURSE 1

Miss? Are you the companion of Jose Perez?

JACK

I, uh. Yes! That's me. I brought him in. Is there news? You don't look happy, is he ok? Did you just hear--

NURSE 1

The reattachment went well, we think it's going to take. And we've managed to get the bleeding under control.

We won't know about his eyesight for sure until he wakes up, and we don't know exactly when that will be. But he's stable for now.

JACK

Thank god. I guess, oh god I hope he's gonna be ok. Can I see him?

NURSE 1

I'll take you in to see him. Come on, dear.

JACK

Thank you!

[They start walking]

Hey, look, it sounded like you guys did a lot for him, and I don't know if his insurance is gonna--

NURSE 1

It's been taken care of. Your boss is very generous, she's set up to cover all of it. Even provided a company credit card number for any other hospital purchases you need to make, so if you want to get something to eat in the cafeteria...

JACK

Our boss? Ed? Edwith Knight? You talked to her?

NURSE 1

Yes, briefly.

JACK

Did she ask to speak with me or Jose? Give us a message?

NURSE 1

No, I'm sorry. She sounded like she was in a bit of a rush.

JACK

Right, I'm sure she's just...really busy.

NURSE 1

Here you are. Don't try to wake him, he'll need to come out of it on his own. But you're welcome to sit here, it's not visiting hours but we don't mind. ICU's pretty quiet tonight.

JACK

Thank you. Again. I'll try to stay out of the way.

[Nurse footsteps away.]

Oh god Jose, I'm so sorry.

I mean, I know it's not my fault, how was I supposed to know they were fae, but

maybe if we didn't get in a fight and you didn't go walking...

Why did they let us go?

Ed, why didn't you answer me? We needed you, I needed you.

Ed, if you're listening, they tortured Jose, TORTURED him, and I couldn't stop them. They said they wanted me dead! But then they let us go and I don't know why.

I don't think we're safe here!

[Keystone rings from Ed.]

He..hello?

EDWITH

Jack? I can barely hear you. Jack, are you there?

JACK

I’m here. Ed? I’m here, I’m in the hospital with Jose...

EDWITH

Are you hurt? Have you been taken care of? How bad is the damage?

JACK

I’m ok. Just bruises, I think. But Jose almost died, we still don’t know when he’s going to wake up, or if he’s going to be ok when he does...

EDWITH

I... Jack, I am so sorry you are going through this. This is certainly not how I anticipated my leave of absence. What can I do to support you?

JACK

I don’t know, I’m just. I don’t know why we got away! I’m scared and Jose’s hurt, really really hurt! And I don’t know what to do!

EDWITH

Shh, it’s alright. What matters now is that you and Jose are both still alive. You’re alive, and you’re there for Jose. I’ll be home soon. To be there for you both.

JACK

When is soon?

EDWITH

Soon, Jack. Three days. I’m sorry. I wish I was able to be there with you. I’m so sorry. This was never meant to happen. Will you be alright for three days?

JACK

I have no fucking idea. I just...don’t know anything. You can’t come back sooner? I need--we need you.

EDWITH

Oh, Jack. I... I’m sorry, I am. I wish...Well. Wishes are dangerous things. Not nearly as good as actions, are they? I’m sorry.

[Beat]

I’m really, truly sorry. You’re a kind friend to stay with Jose. You certainly don’t deserve this.

JACK

It’s not your fault. I’m sorry too, I didn’t mean to blame you, you couldn’t have known what would happen. I just…

EDWITH

I miss you.

JACK

I miss you too. I’m all alone here.

Need my Knight in shining armor. Hah. Get it? Knight, like--

EDWITH

[Laughs but she’s interrupted by someone coming into the room.]

Pardon me. I’m on a call. I did say I would return as soon as I could.

UNKNOWN

[Muffled]

But--

EDWITH

I am fully aware. Nonetheless, you are being dismissed.

UNKNOWN

[Muffled]

Yes, ser.

EDWITH

...My apologies, Jack, but I really must get back to--

JACK

Wait. Wait, you’re there with upper management. This is a Fidus Achates trip.

EDWITH

...Yes. Is something the matter?

JACK

I think...I think you might not be safe there! Look, the people who did this, they. They knew about Fidus Achates. They said something about our Keystones, they made it sound like--I don’t know! I don’t think this company is. Look, I know it’s crazy, but the people who hurt Jose weren’t human! They were fae--

EDWITH

Hush, Jack, take deep breaths. I didn’t mean to upset you, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have been so informal. It was inappropriate. You’ve had a long night and a terrible day preceding it. Have you slept yet? Eaten anything? Ordeals like what you went through can have profound emotional and mental impact.

JACK

You don’t believe me. Fine.

EDWITH

Jack...

JACK

It’s fine. I gotta go. Jose needs me, and Jose believes me.

EDWITH

Jack--!

JACK

Go back to your meeting or whatever, I’ve got this.

[Click, Jack hangs up]

Let’s see if that credit card has a limit.

SCENE TWO

DREW

Hi, Jacqueline Withers?

JACK

Yeah, do you guys have room service? I’m suddenly craving steak. And lobster. Steak and lobster.

DREW

What? Uh. Do you have a minute? Didn't want to interrupt your Keystone call.

JACK

Yeah I'm done--wait, Keystone?

Who are you?

DREW

I'm DREW Fellows, I'm a nurse here, and I've actually been needing to call in Fidus Achates,

JACK

Fidus Achates.

DREW

--Whatever. But you know how it is, you get busy...

JACK

Lie to me.

DREW

Oh. Oh! Is that what happened to your friend? I’m so sorry. Ok, I’m not fae. If I was I wouldn’t be able to say I’m not.

JACK

Uh, I'm gonna need something a little more clear.

DREW

I’m a hippopotamus. You’re a giraffe. This hospital is actually made of cheese.

JACK

Ok, you're not fae. But what are you?

I mean, uh, I need to know what kind of situation I'm dealing with as a Fidus Achates...agent.

DREW

Can we have this conversation somewhere a little more private? A buddy of mine'll let us use the security control room.

JACK

I don't want to leave my friend alone...

DREW

Ok, fine.

I need you to neuralyze a few folks here. They think I'm an angel of death--

JACK

A what!

DREW

You know, like a human serial killer who preys on sick people. Someone noticed I'm bedside when a lot of people die, but that's hardly my fault...

JACK

So you're not an angel of death.

DREW

I'm a psychopomp! Totally different.

JACK

Right. Of course. A psychopomp. Like a, uh. Grim reaper?

DREW

Only on my mom's side. Look, I just open the door, I don't kill anyone. But it's not like I can tell them I just scream at them.

JACK

That scream I heard! It was you! You're a...a banshee!

DREW

I really do prefer psychopomp. So can you help me?

JACK

Help you...

DREW

Neuralyze the people who noticed my death rate. Look, you're gonna need to hit a few people on your friend's case, too. Unless you want them reporting obvious fae torture injuries to the local cops?

JACK

No! I mean, uh, no, that's not necessary. Wait, neuralyze?

DREW

You've got your Keystone, right?

JACK

Yes! Yes, of course. I mean, it's...it's a pretty new model. So it'll take me a bit of work to get it to cooperate.

Maybe I could use that security room after all? Wait, Jose...

DREW

Sure. You can use the camera feeds in there, too, keep an eye on Jose's room. This way.

JACK

Oh perfect.

[They walk and talk.]

So...You've worked with Fidus Achates before?

DREW

Oh, sure. Lots of strange stuff comes through the hospital. How has Jose been, by the way? Aside from the torture?

JACK

He's been...I don't know, really. Forgetful.

DREW

Ah. Yeah, that happens. Ok, here we are.

[They stop walking. DREW knocks on a door. It opens.]

BYRON

Hey, DREW--oh, hi, Fidus Achates, right? Uh, look. Full moon isn’t until next week, ok? I checked the sky charts, I’m on top of my cycle. I’m not gonna--

DREW

It's cool, Byron, she's with me. This is Jacqueline Withers. She needs to use the room for a bit.

BYRON

Oh! Ok, Jacqueline, come on in! Make yourself at home!

[Door closes, Byron pulls out an office chair.]

Feel free to take a seat.

JACK

Uh, thanks. You don't mind me being in here with all the camera feeds on and everything?

BYRON

Of course not, you're FA! You probably know everything you could learn in here anyway, huh...

[awkward laugh]

JACK

[joins awkward laugh]

I mean, not really? But if you really don't mind me being in here, do you mind giving me a little time to...I just need to do some. Fidus stuff. Keystone work. Not really for prying eyes.

DREW

She's gotta set up the neuralyzer.

BYRON

Oh, yeah, gotta get those guys off your back. Like you could kill anyone!

They wouldn't, you know. Never!

JACK

I believe you! That's exactly why I'm doing this. I just need a few minutes, that should be plenty for the...neuralyzer. The flashy thing.

BYRON

You got it! Ok, take your time, let DREW know when you're ready and they'll find me.

JACK

You got it, thanks!

[Byron and DREW leave, door closes. To herself,]

Neuralyzer... Did I accidentally join the Men in Black?

And does that mean what I think it does, I can erase people's memories?

[To the keystone]

Ed, if you're hearing this, there's no way you don't know my Keystone can flashy-thing people. Ghosts and magic are real, and I’m sure you were trying to protect me, but just FYI, it's not nice to gaslight your girl-- er. Your friends! And it’s not your call!

[Sigh]

I’ll deal with you later. I still need to figure this shit out. How do I…

[A few random clicks and beeps as Jack tries different things.]

Ugh, goddammit this is stupid. Isn't there some kind of manual?

[A little more poking, some banging it against the desk.]

How many fiddly bits do you need for recording and calling and--

[Keystone sound effect for flashy thinging.]

I believe you! That’s why I’m--wait, where did they go?

Jose!

[Rolling chair]

Come on, one of these has to show his room. Shit, tell me he's...Ok, there he is. So I guess I what, memory wiped myself? Thus forgetting how to memory wipe. Great. ...But if it’s recorded here, maybe...

[Pause]

Jack, you idiot, use the feed. Be kind, rewind.

[Computer sounds]

Ok there I am!

[Pause while she watches]

I'm talking to myself. Wow I look dumb when I'm talking to myself.

Oh. And I’m still-- Welp. Let’s just skip forward by like a minute...

[Pause]

Well look at that! It really does flash!

Did I accidentally join the Men in Black?

As for the how, zoom in and...

[Pause, then excited]

A-ha! Gotcha! I have a flashy-thing! Now I just need to test it...not on myself this time.

SCENE THREE

[JACK leaves security room. Immediately runs into Byron.]

BYRON

Oh, hey, are you done in there? I was just making my loop...

JACK

Yeah, uh, pretty much. You can--actually wait, could you do something for me real quick?

BYRON

What's that?

JACK

Look right here.

[FLASHY THING]

BYRON

Oh, hey, are you done in there? I was just making my loop...

JACK

Yeah, pretty much. Dammit, I shortened the time but I need it to be selective, go back further but not everything.

BYRON

What are you...Can I help you with something?

JACK

[to herself]

Ok, twisting the thingy doesn't make it magically apply to the memories you want, huh...Hang on, magically. What if I just tell it?

BYRON

Are you...ok? Wait, do you not know how your Keystone works?

JACK

Oh, crap.

[FLASHY THING]

BYRON

Oh, hey, are you done in there? I was just--

JACK

Making your loop, right? Could you hold on one sec?

BYRON

Uh, sure?

JACK

[Quietly to Keystone]

The name Jacqueline Withers.

[Out loud to Byron]

Hey, could you look at this for me?

[FLASHY THING]

BYRON

What was that? Did you just neuralyze me?

JACK

No of course not, why would I do that? Hey, random question. What's my name?

BYRON

Uh. Oh, crap.

JACK

Are you normally bad at names?

BYRON

No, honest, I'm really sorry, I'm normally--

JACK

Don't worry about it! I'm Jack. I'm looking for DREW, have you seen them?

BYRON

Yeah, sure, they're that way...

JACK

Thanks!

[Footsteps.]

JACK

[To herself]

Yes! Starting to figure this out. Now if I can just get DREW to tell me more...

[Out loud]

Hi DREW, thanks for letting me use that room! Now I just need to know who to point it at.

DREW

Certainly. Let's help Jose first, I'm a little concerned some of my colleagues are getting close to calling the authorities already. Oh, and we'll need to make some adjustments to the records. We can't erase him entirely, though. Here, let me grab his chart, that's all anyone looks at.

[Picks up chart]

Do you have a cover story in mind?

JACK

I...of course, I do this all the time. An accident?

DREW

Industrial accident is always reliable. That time with the leprechauns when Jose marked the boy down as "caught in an escalator"...Oh, sorry, that was Devyn's day, before your time.

JACK

Right. Devyn. I've heard a lot about...Devyn. My...predecessor?

DREW

Oh yeah, big shoes to fill, I bet. The human field teams are always the most impressive, I think. You go in without sense, without protection... Just the Keystones.

JACK

Oh sure. That's us. Super skilled. So very professional.

DREW

Well it's a big responsibility! Keeping the mortals in the dark. Well, the other mortals. So about that cover story. Farming equipment? What about a combine harvester?

JACK

Sure? I guess?

DREW

You're the expert. Ok, that's what I'll put down.

[Writing sounds]

Now the folks you’ll need to neuralyze are...him, him, and her. Give it a moment and--

[Door opening and closing as someone leaves a room.]

There, just them in the room. Should be nice and contained. I’ll leave you to do your work.

JACK

Thank you muchly!

[She takes a deep breath, opens the door, and steps into the room.]

Hi! I’m--. Actually, it doesn’t matter who I am. You’re going to forget the death rates of DREW Fellows in a few moments, as well as your investigations into Jose Perez’s injuries. Alright, ready?

NURSE 1

Wait, what--?

JACK

Say ‘cheese’!

[FLASHY THING]

Alright. Who wants to tell me about Jose Perez’s injuries?

NURSE 1

I don’t...Sorry, let me check his chart. I’m having a hard time remembering.

JACK

And anyone have any reasons why DREW Fellows shouldn’t get ‘RN of the month’?

NURSE 1

DREW is wonderful! We’re lucky to have them.

JACK

Hah! Perfect. You guys keep on doctorin’, you’re doing great.

[She turns and opens the door to leave, but pauses when she hears DREW and BYRON talking.]

BYRON

--weren’t there, DREW. It was bad. I totally blanked on her name.

DREW

I’m sure it wasn’t that bad. Besides, you really don’t need to worry about it.

BYRON

What? Why not--? Oh. Oh, man. That soon?

DREW

There’ll be a new agent in two weeks.

BYRON

Aw, that’s a shame. I like her. She seems nice.

DREW

Yeah. I know. Me too.

BYRON

Do you think she knows--?

JACK

[She pushes the door open and clears her throat loudly.]

Alright. It’s all done! No fuss, no muss.

DREW

Great! Thank you. We really do appreciate it.

BYRON

Yeah! Hope you get a nice break or something after this. Vacation, maybe. Better use those vacation hours!

DREW

[Coughs pointedly.]

We’ll come by to check on you and your friend before you go. Let us know if anything unusual comes up, alright?

JACK

Yup. Will do.

[DREW and BYRON leave. Sounds of her silently walking back to JOSE’s bedside. Ambient hospital sounds keep the keystone active. The heart monitor in JOSE’s room beeps and the ambient sounds fade a bit. She finally takes a seat and takes JOSE’s hand.]

...Two weeks, Jose. I’ve got two weeks. And just when I was getting the hang of things. Hah.

[There’s nothing but the sound of the heart monitor beeping away. Eventually the keystone deactivates.]

SCENE FOUR

JACK

[Keystone activates, mid-call.]

C’mon. C’mon, Ed. Pick up.

EDWITH

[Call connects keystone sound.]

Hello? I can’t be--

JACK

I know you know the truth, Ed. Talk to me.

EDWITH

...Hello, Jack.

JACK

I know you know there’s magic in the world. That there are ghosts, and fae, and... You wanna be my ‘friend’? My secret girlfriend? Then you need to tell me the truth! Now.

EDWITH

[She’s quiet for a long time.]

I...thought it would be better if you didn’t know.

JACK

Why?

EDWITH

Well, it’s not like there are OSHA protections, Jack.

JACK

...Who cares! It doesn’t matter, we just have to quit. Get out of here before--

EDWITH

What do you think happens to people that quit?

JACK

What?

EDWITH

The retirement plan is rather permanent. Once you know the truth, at least.

JACK

Oh. And now that I know the truth...

EDWITH

I’m sorry, Jack. If I had kept this from you better...

JACK

Ed. Lie to me.

EDWITH

Really?

JACK

Really.

EDWITH

Fine. I killed JFK.

JACK

Oh, come on.

EDWITH

Not convincing enough? Very well. I sang at Coachella last year while playing a lime green ukulele.

JACK

I was asking just to be safe!

EDWITH

The moon landing was faked. The footage shown was actually eight weasels in a spacesuit.

JACK

[Laughs]

Okay, I get it! I get it.

So you can tell jokes! And you’re not fae.

EDWITH

I can, and you shouldn’t say things like that, Jack. Even if you managed to find fae, do you think that discovery would just blow over? That it would be easy to smooth over? And if it isn’t smoothed over, rest assured that I’ll be hearing about it--

JACK

Right. You’re trapped too. Damn. Shit.

EDWITH

Language. Attracting the attention of those I am bound to is a terrible idea. Who would back you up? All the people who have no idea of what really exists?

JACK

What if they did know? What if the world knew the truth?

EDWITH

I don’t know! I...I don’t know what that world would look like. But I do know that I would see consequences for it before you did.

JACK

Oh. Oh god.

EDWITH

[Sighing]

Get some rest, Jack. I have to get back to work.

JACK

Stay safe, Ed. Please.

EDWITH

I will. And I’ll do everything in my power to return soon.

JACK

I know you will.

[Beat]

I’ll make sure they’ve got nothing to come after you for. I promise. But I swear, I’m still going to figure out how to get out of this.

EDWITH

Jack, you shouldn’t--

JACK

Both of us out of this.

EDWITH

[Another sigh.]

There’s no talking you out of this, is there?

JACK

Hell no.

EDWITH

[Laughing]

Language, Jack.

JACK

Sorry.

EDWITH

Liar.

JACK

At least you know I’m not fae, right?

EDWITH

No, you’re far more troublesome.

JACK

Hey--! Wait. Oh my god. That was your version of a joke, wasn’t it?

EDWITH

Mmhm.

What do you mean ‘version’?

JACK

[Laughing]

You’re adorable.

EDWITH

Jack!

JACK

Sorry, ‘professional.’ If I promise to be ‘professional,’ will you text with me again tonight?

EDWITH

Perhaps.

JACK

Aw, c’mon--

EDWITH

It’s not a matter of whether or not I want to, unfortunately. I... really shouldn’t risk doing things like this where HR might catch wind of it.

JACK

...Oh god, is HR literal? Like they manage the human resources?

EDWITH

Mmhmm. And they are about as light hearted as they sound.

JACK

Yikes. Well... Talk to you later, I hope. I like our text dates.

EDWITH

...I do too.

JACK

G’night, Ed. Miss you.

EDWITH

Good night, Jack. Sleep well.

[The keystone call ends.]

JACK

Just...two weeks to figure it all out. No pressure.

...Shit. I should tell her, huh?

[keystone deactivates.]