I often talk about parenting the kid in front of you, not the one you wish you had or the one you’re afraid they’ll become.
Today, I’ll explain three thoughts that you’ve probably experienced when you don’t like your kid’s behavior or parts of their personality, why judgments about your kid aren’t helpful and what to do instead.
You’ll Learn:
It’s never too late to commit to shifting how you think and feel about your kid.
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I just got home from a trip to Paris with my newly-turned-18-year-old son. I got to spend a lot of time with him, getting to see and know who he is right now. We had an amazing trip, and there were also times where I found myself feeling a little uncomfortable, sad or disappointed about his views or attitude toward certain things.
I’m continuing to work through some of those feelings even after we’ve returned home, and I hope my experience will help you parent the kid in front of you, too.
When we’re in a relationship with someone and we make their behavior mean something negative, then it is going to sour the relationship and the way that we interact with them.
When you perceive your kid in a certain way, thoughts and feelings come up, and these drive your actions. It's really important to work on how you think and feel about your kid and not put that negative attitude or judgment on their behavior.
This can be really hard because as a parent, it is your responsibility to help your kid learn how to be in relationship with themselves and others. You’re trying to teach values like politeness, generosity and kindness.
But sometimes, you see your kid behave in ways that are opposite to those values. What often happens is that you get so caught up in the behavior and what it means that it prevents you from actually parenting and teaching them the skills they need in order to become who they’re meant to be.
Your child is on a journey of development. In order to help them grow, you have to accept how they are right now, from a neutral place, and see it either as a part of their personality that hasn’t fully developed or a skill that they haven’t yet learned.
When your kid behaves in a way you don't like, it's easy to make their behavior mean something negative - either about you as a parent, them as a person, or their future.
All of these negative stories impact how you show up as a parent; and have a negative impact on your child.
These are the three negative mindsets I see causing the most long-term harm.
#1: Making your child’s behavior mean something about you. If you look at your child’s behavior and think, “I’m a bad parent,” it makes it feel really personal. It puts you into your own story and takes you out of what’s going on with your kid.
You might find yourself overparenting, being overly strict, harsh or mean. Often, this is where I see parents skip past calm and connection and go straight to correction and consequences.
Behavior is a coping strategy, and the behavior you’re seeing is just information, data about where your child needs support, tools and skills.
Instead of thinking, “How does this behavior affect me? How does it reflect on me?”, try asking, “How is this behavior going to affect my child? What skill is missing here? What do they need to learn?”
When you see that they’re acting the way they are because they’ve overwhelmed and don’t know how to cope, you can show up with compassion and help them problem-solve.
#2: Making their behavior mean something about the future. This is where you find yourself jumping to the worst-case scenario. You assume that this negative behavior will play out long into the future and become a part of their identity. One example is that your kid lies to you, so you think, “they are going to become a liar.”
Instead of giving them this negative self-concept, acknowledge that this is where they are right now, and they have so much time to learn and grow.
Think back to when you were in middle school or high school. I’m guessing there were times when you (like me) said or did “bad” or inappropriate things that you didn’t necessarily know were wrong. You needed to be taught. Think about how much you’ve changed since that time.
We all go through different versions of ourselves, and we learn through mistakes. But our core self is true and lovable and worthy and wonderful.
Your child’s core is unconditionally worthy of love and acceptance. And some of their behaviors might need work. Your job as a parent is to help your kid learn so that they can grow into the person they’re meant to be.
#3: Making their behavior mean that something is wrong with them. You think they’re rotten to the core or disturbed somehow. That they aren’t “good”. We need to separate their actions from their core self. It’s the idea of, “I caused a problem, but I am not a problem.”
We cannot grow when we’re feeling judged, unworthy or bad. But when kids feel safe in their relationship with you, when you love who they are at their core, they can grow in the world.
You can speak into your child's life what you want them to believe about themselves. For example, instead of saying, “You’re rude,” you can say, “You're being rude. Are you okay? What do you need right now? Do you need to take a break? Are you overwhelmed? Because I know you're not actually a rude, mean person.”
Our kids (girls especially) need to be told that they are worthy, lovable and good exactly as they are. Even when they act badly, they are not bad.
If you’re reading these and realizing that you’ve done all three, I want you to know that I have, too. We all have. When your kid misbehaves, it’s normal for your first instinct to be to catastrophize the future or to make it mean something bad about you as a parent or to think, “My kid is just an asshole.”
The challenge is to catch yourself when you slip into one of these traps. When you can become more aware of the thoughts, you can start to shift them into something more helpful. It’s never too late to commit to shifting how you think and feel about your kid.
Recognize your child’s lovable, essential, worthy, perfect core self. Parent the behavior of the kid in front of you, and let the rest of the worry go.
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Welcome back to become a calm mama. I am your host. I'm
Speaker:A Childress. I am a life and parenting coach,
Speaker:and I a wanna talk about
Speaker:parenting the kid in front of you. So this is something I say often.
Speaker:It's one of my, like, favorite a, and I've talked about it a little bit
Speaker:on the podcast in an earlier episode of, like, 5 things I say the
Speaker:most. But one of the things I talk about is parenting the kid in front
Speaker:of you, not the one you wish you had or
Speaker:the one you're afraid they'll become. And I wanna
Speaker:talk today about the this idea because there are
Speaker:there are 3 things that come up when we're parenting our
Speaker:kid and they don't act the way we wish they would act
Speaker:or we don't like their behavior or we don't like parts of their personality.
Speaker:And emotion comes up from that, and we can have
Speaker:our own thoughts and feelings and then actions that come
Speaker:from the way that we are perceiving our kids. And some of the things
Speaker:that I wanna talk about today are really sort of
Speaker:the problems when we look at our
Speaker:kid and we make judgments about them, either wishing they
Speaker:were different or worried that how they are is going to
Speaker:be how they become in the in when they get bigger.
Speaker:This came up for me because I this past week, I
Speaker:was on an amazing trip with my youngest son, Sawyer,
Speaker:who just turned 18. And what we did was I took
Speaker:him on a trip just the 2 of us to Paris. I live in Los
Speaker:A. And we so we flew across the country, across the
Speaker:ocean, and we spent a week a, just the 2 of us in
Speaker:Paris. And it was absolutely amazing. Like,
Speaker:we had the best time, very little conflict between us. I
Speaker:mean, really none. We both kind of dealt with our feelings even though it was
Speaker:complicated. And, but I also got to spend
Speaker:a lot of time with him, right, and get to know him and see who
Speaker:he is right now. I got to sort of I wasn't really
Speaker:parenting him that much, but just being with the kid in front of me,
Speaker:like, getting to know my son as he is
Speaker:now as this 18 year old. Parenthetically, he turned
Speaker:18 while we were there. And for his 18th
Speaker:birthday, that was the day that we booked the Eiffel Tower. And so we went
Speaker:to the top all the way to the top. It was a beautiful
Speaker:evening. It was the only clear day that we had where there
Speaker:wasn't clouds and it wasn't raining. And we were at the top right at
Speaker:sunset, and we had a little champagne toast, and he got to celebrate
Speaker:his 18th birthday, like, on the top of the Eiffel Tower. I mean, how
Speaker:amazing is that? Right? So cool. So I feel really, really
Speaker:grateful that I had that opportunity. But like I said, I
Speaker:got to spend a lot of time with him, and there were definitely points
Speaker:of time where I'm like, oh, woah.
Speaker:This is who you are. This is how you think. You know? This is
Speaker:your young man attitude towards whatever.
Speaker:And I found myself sometimes
Speaker:feeling, like, not
Speaker:angry, but uncomfortable or sad
Speaker:or disappointed or, you know, I had some emotion about it.
Speaker:And I wanted to really explore that for myself and and talk about
Speaker:it on the podcast Become when we
Speaker:have a a person that we're in a relationship with
Speaker:and we make their behavior mean something negative,
Speaker:then that is going to sour the way that we interact with
Speaker:them. And it is going to sour our relationship with them, and it's gonna
Speaker:sour their relationship with themselves, particularly if you're
Speaker:their parent. So it's really important to work
Speaker:on how we think and feel about our kids and
Speaker:not put that negative attitude or
Speaker:negative judgment about their behavior. Now
Speaker:that's really hard, right? Because as a parent our
Speaker:responsibility is to help our kids, you know,
Speaker:learn how to be in a community, how to be in a relationship with
Speaker:themselves and with others. And that means
Speaker:there's being polite, having manners, being
Speaker:generous, being kind, all of these different
Speaker:values that we have that we want to see in our kids. And
Speaker:when they're young, we sometimes see
Speaker:sort of the opposite of that. You know, last couple weeks, I talked
Speaker:about, you know, when your kid is lying to you or when they say I
Speaker:hate you a how easy it is to look at your kid when
Speaker:there's, like, lying and be like, oh my god. They're becoming a liar. They don't
Speaker:have, you know, they don't have the the values that I
Speaker:have or they say I hate you. That's so disrespectful. I'm
Speaker:raising a disrespectful child. And what
Speaker:happens is that we get kind of caught up in our own head about
Speaker:that behavior, and it prevents us from actually parenting our children.
Speaker:It prevents us from actually teaching them
Speaker:the skills that they need in order to become who
Speaker:they're meant to be. So we have to accept how they
Speaker:are right now from a neutral place and to
Speaker:see it as a part of their either part of
Speaker:their personality that hasn't fully developed yet or part of
Speaker:their skills or values that they haven't had an opportunity to learn
Speaker:yet. Do you see I'm saying yet?
Speaker:Because this is a big part of the perspective I want you to
Speaker:take from this podcast episode is that your children are on a
Speaker:journey of development. So the 3
Speaker:problems that I see when you're parenting the
Speaker:kid in front of you and you don't like them,
Speaker:what happens is we either problem number 1
Speaker:is that we make their behavior mean something about us.
Speaker:So I'm gonna talk about that. So if we're looking at their behavior and we're
Speaker:making it about us, like, I'm a bad parent, that
Speaker:creates a problem. If we look at their our
Speaker:kid, problem number 2 is if we make it
Speaker:seem like that's who they are from now on.
Speaker:So looking at our kid and making their current behavior means
Speaker:something about the future. Like, oh, they
Speaker:are disrespectful. They're going to become disrespectful.
Speaker:Oh, they are lying. They're going to become a liar.
Speaker:Oh, they're selfish. They're going to be a selfish person.
Speaker:When you are looking at their behavior in the present and you're making
Speaker:it mean something about the future, that is a problem.
Speaker:So that's a problem number 2. And then problem number 3 is if you look
Speaker:at their behavior and you make it mean that something is wrong with them, like,
Speaker:that at their core, they are bad.
Speaker:Like, there's something wrong with their personality. They're almost sociopathic or
Speaker:something. Like, if you look at them and you're like, I do not
Speaker:like this person and that something is wrong
Speaker:with people who act like that, that is really gonna make
Speaker:it's gonna mess up your kid. Okay? So I don't mean to
Speaker:be, like, too super scary here, but those these three
Speaker:things, if you make if you look at your kid's behavior and you make it
Speaker:mean something about you, you make it something about the future or make it mean
Speaker:something that's wrong with them. Those 3 are
Speaker:parenting traps that will get you into some trouble.
Speaker:Now you're gonna listen to this and you'll be like, I've done all three of
Speaker:those things. Me too. I wanna
Speaker:offer to you that the awareness of the thoughts that
Speaker:you have is the beginning of shifting them.
Speaker:You cannot change something unless you see it.
Speaker:And you know you're not motivated to change something unless you see that
Speaker:maybe something's not working about it. And so I want you
Speaker:to not use this podcast episode as a way to judge yourself
Speaker:and and condemn yourself and be like, oh, I've already screwed a. My kid you
Speaker:know, even if your kid is, like, 20 a you have 20 years
Speaker:of, you know, this kind of baggage, it's fine. Just fix it.
Speaker:Apologize. Move forward. And make commit make a commitment to shift
Speaker:how you think and feel about them. So I'm
Speaker:gonna talk a lot about each one and then give
Speaker:you some ways to shift. So this is your invitation
Speaker:to grow yourself, and you
Speaker:cannot grow if you are judging yourself. If you don't
Speaker:like how you've been, then say thank
Speaker:you to the past because it served you for some reason,
Speaker:and then move forward into a new a new pattern.
Speaker:Okay? So let's get into if you make it mean
Speaker:something about you. So imagine that you have a
Speaker:kid and they are at a birthday
Speaker:party a, you know, it's their birthday party, say.
Speaker:And, you know, there's a kid who wants to play with their new toy.
Speaker:And you're like, oh, go ahead and play with your toys. Your friends aren't gonna
Speaker:be here that long. Let them play with your toys. And they're like, no. I
Speaker:don't want them to play with my toys. No. Everyone needs to leave my house.
Speaker:Get out of here. You've seen this. Right? Like,
Speaker:you know, kids get like, get out of my house. I don't want you here
Speaker:anymore. And you then start to
Speaker:worry how the other parents are
Speaker:judging your kids' behavior. And you look at their
Speaker:behavior, and you're like, oh my gosh. I must be a
Speaker:bad parent if my kid acts this way.
Speaker:When you are thinking, I've done something wrong, and that's why
Speaker:my kid acts this way, or I'm a bad parent, and that's why they act
Speaker:this way, You are going to get stuck in a self
Speaker:centered trap. And what happens is that
Speaker:you can end up being you I want you to be
Speaker:neutral about their behavior. But if you're personalizing
Speaker:it, then you're not in their narrative. You're in
Speaker:yours. And you might overparent, be over strict, over
Speaker:harsh, over mean, too quick. Don't
Speaker:talk like that. That's not nice. Don't let you know, we get, like, a little
Speaker:bit into correction before we go to connection. So this is
Speaker:where I am cautioning to you
Speaker:that not to make their behavior mean something about you.
Speaker:It is information. It's just data. It's just a
Speaker:like, oh, wow. This child right now in this moment is
Speaker:struggling with this thing. They need support. They need
Speaker:tools. But if you are worried that everyone is, you know, gonna judge
Speaker:you, it makes it a lot harder to be present in
Speaker:the moment and offer the child the support and the tools that they
Speaker:need. Now I get it. What I am saying
Speaker:is hard to do. So I had an interaction
Speaker:like this on our trip, just one where, you
Speaker:know, I'm I'm sure that my behavior sometimes was not great for my
Speaker:kids. It's funny Become now that I have an adult child,
Speaker:he'll see me through the lens of, like, adult to adult. Sometimes
Speaker:if I'm in, like, I'm being too sharp or mean or rude to, like, a,
Speaker:like, a health care provider or something like that, my son later will say to
Speaker:me, like, wow. You were really harsh there. Like, you know, he's aware
Speaker:of my behavior. So I am not perfect nor are your children perfect.
Speaker:Right? It's just not a really helpful thing for a person in a
Speaker:relationship to be like, oh, you're acting that way because I did something wrong.
Speaker:It takes the personal responsibility away from the other person. It takes the
Speaker:agency away from the other person. Your child needs to believe that
Speaker:they have influence and power over how they act,
Speaker:that they can change their behavior, that they can learn about themselves.
Speaker:So when you personalize it and you become the self centered person and make it
Speaker:about you, you prevent your child from learning and growing. Instead of
Speaker:saying, how does this behavior affect me? How does it reflect
Speaker:on me? What are people gonna say about me?
Speaker:I'd rather you start thinking, how is this behavior gonna
Speaker:affect my child? If they keep going in this way,
Speaker:what might happen? What skill is missing here? What do they
Speaker:need to learn here? And if you can look at behavior as
Speaker:just a strategy, right? I talk about all the time on the podcast that
Speaker:behavior is
Speaker:unkind, you know, disrespectful, unkind,
Speaker:you know, disrespectful, harsh, or
Speaker:whatever they're doing, that is because they have a feeling that they're
Speaker:overwhelmed by, that they don't know how to cope with. They they are
Speaker:lacking a skill. And when you are calm
Speaker:and you are present and you're not in your own head and making it mean
Speaker:everything about you, you can say, A do you need here? Let me
Speaker:support you. Let's problem solve. And if you give your
Speaker:kids the skills they need in real time while they're dealing with their,
Speaker:you know, emotions and while they're learning these things, then they grow up
Speaker:and actually they don't become the thing that you're worried about.
Speaker:So that takes me to number 2 is when we
Speaker:there's parts of our kid that we don't like a we make it mean
Speaker:something about the future. So we catastrophize or
Speaker:worst case scenario, their behavior a we play it out
Speaker:in a negative way and we play it out to the future,
Speaker:what that does is it prevents your child from growing
Speaker:and changing. It pigeonholes them.
Speaker:It it creates a small narrow window of a
Speaker:personality type. Oh, you are unkind. Oh,
Speaker:you're selfish. You're not a generous person. You're not
Speaker:a loving person. You're not a respectful person.
Speaker:The child be that they pull that identity in and that
Speaker:becomes part of their self-concept. And then it gets,
Speaker:like, a. How if you leave clay out,
Speaker:right, it will Become, hard.
Speaker:But if if you keep molding it and wetting it and and manipulating
Speaker:it, you can keep changing it. So we don't want to,
Speaker:you know, put that into our child and be like, this is who you are
Speaker:or this is who you're becoming. Instead, I would rather you be able to
Speaker:say, oh, you this is where you
Speaker:are right now. And you have so much time to grow and
Speaker:change and become. I want you to think
Speaker:about yourself in middle school
Speaker:or yourself in in high school.
Speaker:You it's harder for you to think about who you were when you were real
Speaker:little. But I actually remember, like, doing bad things
Speaker:when I was little or saying inappropriate things
Speaker:and not necessarily knowing that they were
Speaker:wrong, not necessarily knowing they were bad, and
Speaker:needing to be taught, oh, if I do this, this hurts someone
Speaker:else, and that's not who I wanna be. So
Speaker:learning how to, approach your child
Speaker:from, hey. Right now, you're learning and growing and struggling, and I'm gonna help
Speaker:you learn. But if we look at them
Speaker:and we say, you know, oh, this is who you are now.
Speaker:This is who you're gonna become. This is this is, like, set in stone. That
Speaker:is really difficult. So thinking about you as a little kid,
Speaker:thinking about how much you've grown and changed, how much how
Speaker:different you are. We were talking about this during the parenting teen
Speaker:support group. I have this monthly support group for parents of teens. If you're interested,
Speaker:let me know. We can get you in there. But we we
Speaker:meet once a month, and we just talk about what it's like to raise teens.
Speaker:And we talk about the struggles and challenges. And one of the things is we
Speaker:feel when you're raising teens, like, you're running out of time. You know,
Speaker:that you you don't you've got, oh, this is who they are, and you've, you
Speaker:know, you don't have any more time to teach them or that, you know, it's
Speaker:like it feels like they're done. And so this mom was talking about
Speaker:how she's like, I'm not the same person I was in high
Speaker:school. Like, I've changed a lot. And she's like, I'm like version
Speaker:2.0. And then she's like, or 3.0 or 4.0. And we
Speaker:started laughing about how probably every decade of our
Speaker:life is a new version of, like, Darlynn 2.0 was my
Speaker:twenties. Darlin 3.0 is my thirties. Darlin
Speaker:4.0 is now in my forties. And so we all
Speaker:have these versions of ourselves
Speaker:And our core self is true and
Speaker:lovable and worthy and wonderful, just like your you are,
Speaker:and your children's core self is totally unconditionally
Speaker:worthy of love and acceptance.
Speaker:And some of their behaviors need work.
Speaker:This mom said she said, you know, I learned about myself
Speaker:that, like, some of my behaviors, you know, didn't work for
Speaker:me anymore. And it's like, well, we only learn that because
Speaker:we've made mistakes. We hurt people. We cause problems. We
Speaker:lose jobs. We, you know, don't reach a goal. It's like
Speaker:through obstacles, we grow. So I want you
Speaker:to think about your kids as, like, version 1
Speaker:point o. Some of you have kids 0 to 10. They're,
Speaker:like, in, like, point 0. Like, there's 0 version. This
Speaker:is, like, version beta. There's
Speaker:not even really, like, who they're gonna be. They haven't even gone through adolescence
Speaker:yet. So don't pigeonhole your kids. I
Speaker:also sometimes talk about this when I talk about teens is
Speaker:that we want to think of them as being
Speaker:done. Like, Sawyer, he just turned 18. Okay. I'm done.
Speaker:Right? I raised an a. And so he's done.
Speaker:Like, my work is a, whatever. And it's not
Speaker:because I'm not doing anything. He's him. He's
Speaker:growing. He's changing. I'm always gonna have the ability to
Speaker:speak love into his life and to speak guidance into his life
Speaker:Become I've been doing that all along. I have
Speaker:been working really hard to not judge him and pigeonhole him and make his behavior
Speaker:mean anything about me and just allow him to be who he is
Speaker:and love and unconditionally accept that person while
Speaker:also helping guide him towards the best
Speaker:version of himself. And so he's not
Speaker:done. And I think about it like like a
Speaker:cake kind of when you're baking. There are certain things that you
Speaker:put in the oven that you aren't supposed to open the oven
Speaker:while the thing is baking. Maybe you don't know this Become
Speaker:opening that oven door changes
Speaker:what's happening inside. And so you might wanna open the
Speaker:oven to check if something is done. And when you open it, you're
Speaker:letting all the steam out or you're changing the temperature. And
Speaker:that changes the chemicals that are, like, inside of,
Speaker:like, the baking soda or baking powder or whatever that's inside the cake.
Speaker:Ironically, I looked at this up because I was like, which kinds of things are
Speaker:you not supposed to open the oven for? And one
Speaker:is a Victoria sponge calm. And it's because when you
Speaker:open the door, you are letting in the cold
Speaker:air, and you're losing some of that moist hot air. And then that
Speaker:actually makes the cake, get denser and
Speaker:even collapse. Like, that's also true if you make, like, a pop over.
Speaker:If you open the door, it will it will flatten.
Speaker:And so with your teens, not to belabor this, but with your
Speaker:teens, I don't want you to be looking at who they are at 15 or
Speaker:16 and being like, oh, you're cooked. A was like, no.
Speaker:They're still in the oven. Do not judge. Don't start poking
Speaker:around to see if they're done. They're not.
Speaker:Version 1.0 is not finished yet.
Speaker:Let the process happen. When I
Speaker:looked this up, by the way, it was like, it said, cornbread is less
Speaker:sensitive. And I was thinking to myself, some of us
Speaker:are raising kids who are, like, fragile Victoria sponge
Speaker:or, you know, popovers, and they're gonna take longer in the a, and we
Speaker:really shouldn't judge them. And then others are like cornbread. You're
Speaker:like, they're fine. You get open and look at them,
Speaker:and they're fine. So I don't know if that's helpful, but I was
Speaker:thinking about it. I was like, well, I don't have cornbread. I'm not I'm not
Speaker:baking cornbread over here. I've got kids who have you know,
Speaker:they're complicated. They're they gotta work themselves out.
Speaker:So Lincoln's about to turn 20. I'm like, oh, we're getting into Lincoln
Speaker:2.0, which is really fun. If you can lighten up about the future
Speaker:and just kinda be like, this is who they are right now.
Speaker:Parent the kid in front of you, not the one you wish you had or
Speaker:the one you're afraid they'll become. Now a
Speaker:last problem is when you make their
Speaker:behavior mean that something is wrong with them at their core.
Speaker:Like, that they're disturbed. Like, that they they they're
Speaker:they're rotten. And I wanted to read a couple
Speaker:of quotes. I've talked about this book before
Speaker:on the podcast, but it's the myth of normal by Gabor
Speaker:Mate. And the book is
Speaker:the most powerful parenting book I've ever read, and it's not a parenting
Speaker:book. So if you are at all curious about, like,
Speaker:you know, how trauma works and and development
Speaker:and what what humans need to thrive and how
Speaker:how when we don't get our needs met, how that shows up in
Speaker:our life. This book is phenomenal.
Speaker:But he he talks about the two core
Speaker:needs of every human, and I've talked about it on the podcast of a,
Speaker:which is for our version of safety and then our need for authenticity.
Speaker:So your child needs to feel safe and they need to feel,
Speaker:accepted. What your child needs in order to
Speaker:grow up and mature is they need to feel emotionally
Speaker:safe. We cannot grow and change when we're feeling
Speaker:judged or not worthy or bad at our core. If I'm bad at
Speaker:my core, why I can't change? I have no agency. But
Speaker:if I feel as if I have unconditional worth and I feel
Speaker:safe in my relationships, then I'm able to go and grow in
Speaker:the world. So what your kids really need is they
Speaker:need to they need you to like who they
Speaker:are. When you like who they are at
Speaker:their core, their essential self, and you can speak
Speaker:to them. Like, yes, you're acting selfish,
Speaker:but you're not a selfish person. You're you're
Speaker:saying sharp words, but you're not unkind. You are
Speaker:kind. You're you can speak into
Speaker:your child's life, what you want them to believe about themselves
Speaker:and communicating your values and saying
Speaker:you're worthy. No matter how you behave,
Speaker:You need to be the one who first separates their
Speaker:their self, their core self a their actions. When
Speaker:you do that, when you're able to say, yes, this person, my child is
Speaker:acting this way, but that doesn't mean that's who they are,
Speaker:Then they get to grow up believing that about themselves. They can say,
Speaker:I make mistakes, but I'm not a mistake.
Speaker:I cause problems sometimes, but I'm not a problem.
Speaker:I really I'm I'm feel so strongly about this because
Speaker:I've I know this is the biggest thing. If you could give your
Speaker:kids the gift of self love,
Speaker:they won't have to unravel a ton of pain.
Speaker:And the way that we end up, like,
Speaker:transmitting that sense of self
Speaker:loathing is in these subtle ways that we
Speaker:are like, no. Don't act like that. You are being
Speaker:you are unkind. Don't be unkind. I
Speaker:can't even model it, to be honest with you because I've practiced not thinking
Speaker:this way for so long. Like, instead of saying,
Speaker:like, you're selfish. You're you're rude.
Speaker:Right? Really being like, hey. Hey. You're being
Speaker:rude. Are you okay? What do you need right now?
Speaker:Do you need to take a break? Are you overwhelmed? Become I
Speaker:know you're not actually rude. I know you're not a mean person.
Speaker:That is so powerful for especially
Speaker:for boys and girls, but girls especially need to be told, like, you are not
Speaker:your actions. You are worthy. You are
Speaker:lovable. You are good exactly as you are. Even
Speaker:when you act badly, you are not bad. Brene
Speaker:Brown is so wonderful the way she explains shame. And
Speaker:she says, shame is something's wrong with me
Speaker:and guilt is I've done something wrong.
Speaker:And if you wanna shame proof your kids, which I know you
Speaker:do, we have to really separate at this,
Speaker:like, you know, this level of
Speaker:behavior from from self. I
Speaker:can act shitty, but it doesn't mean I am shitty.
Speaker:So when you are able
Speaker:to, love your child
Speaker:and communicate your unconditional
Speaker:acceptance of them and their self their your a their unconditional
Speaker:worth, even in the midst of them acting
Speaker:badly, that is magic. That is what we're
Speaker:working on here. So
Speaker:I wanna normalize that your first instinct when you
Speaker:see your kids misbehave is
Speaker:to catastrophize the future to or to
Speaker:make it mean something bad about you as a parent, something you did wrong
Speaker:a take all this responsibility, which takes away their agency.
Speaker:You may end up thinking like, oh my god. My kid is just an asshole.
Speaker:You know, that's who they are. That's just what they are. Your your
Speaker:first instinct might be to go fall into these 3
Speaker:traps, and that's
Speaker:okay. Okay? Just catch yourself
Speaker:a listen to this podcast episode again and commit back. And
Speaker:that's why I think that a delight list
Speaker:or a, you know, positive parenting vision, these two tools I teach
Speaker:are so valuable because then you can go back and say, who is
Speaker:my child at their core? And
Speaker:every human at their core is loving.
Speaker:We all want to be in relationships with other people.
Speaker:We all wanna be kind and loving. And it's only
Speaker:when our pain takes over that
Speaker:that that core self gets interrupted.
Speaker:So let recognizing who your child is at
Speaker:their at their core is, like, who they were at the
Speaker:at birth, at the baby, like, right when they were born.
Speaker:That little baby is perfect. Right? It's so lovable.
Speaker:They can't do anything wrong. They are just enough.
Speaker:And it's only as they grow and they, you know, express
Speaker:themselves in different ways and their behavior shows up that we start
Speaker:to worry. So their core self is their essential,
Speaker:worthy, lovable, perfect self.
Speaker:See that person and then parent
Speaker:the behavior, which behavior is a form
Speaker:of communication, and it shows a skill gap. That's it.
Speaker:Okay. I like I I wanted to share all
Speaker:this. I've been this is, like, all been on my mind for a while. So
Speaker:I'm glad to have done this episode. I hope it was helpful for you. Lately,
Speaker:I've been receiving some emails and messages
Speaker:on Instagram from some of you, and I just want you to know I love
Speaker:them so much. Like, it brings me so much joy
Speaker:to hear how the podcast is impacting you and how it's affecting you.
Speaker:And some of you have asked for podcast episodes, so I have
Speaker:those planned. So if there's a topic you want, you can email me and ask
Speaker:me to do an episode on it. That that's fun. And, yeah,
Speaker:just reach out. It's really great. I wanna have a I feel like we're in
Speaker:community. So, this week, I want you
Speaker:to go out when you see your kid's behavior, catch
Speaker:yourself, reset your mindset, noticing if
Speaker:you're making it mean that something's wrong with them, the future is ruined a
Speaker:that something's wrong with you. That's when you need to reframe.
Speaker:Okay. Mamas and dads, I know you a to. I hope you have
Speaker:a great week, and I will talk to you next time.