What is actually in your control? Far less than you think, and that turns out to be the good news. I spent my rock bottom trying to run the whole world.

Your actions, mostly. Your words. Your response to a thought, which arrives whether you want it or not, the way paint gets delivered to your door. What you cannot control is the weather, other people's opinions, other people's words, nature, or the universe arranging itself around you. When you are angry at somebody, it is usually because they are not thinking the way you think they ought to.

One thing to try: Take whatever is bothering you and put it in one of two piles. Then spend the day on the first pile only.

In this episode

• (0:03) Trying to control the whole world, and where that got me
• (2:50) What control actually means, and how little of it we have
• (4:34) A thought is a delivery. You decide whether to use it
• (5:43) Actions are the part you really do own
• (7:33) Now the things you cannot control at all
• (8:40) You can wish about the weather all you like
• (10:24) Being angry that people are not thinking how you would
• (15:57) Spend your time on the pile you can actually move

Support the podcast and join the Weekly Calm: stevenwebb.uk

Thank you for listening.

Steven

Links to Steven Webb's podcast and how you can support his work.

• Donate paypal.me/stevenwebb or Coffee stevenwebb.uk
• Steven's courses, podcasts and links: stevenwebb.uk

When I was really suffering in my life, and when I was really hitting my rock bottom, I was really

trying to control the whole world. I was trying to control every aspect of my life, and I was really

getting frustrated because it wasn't going the way I wanted it. And I think one of the things that I

found out... Really important that time was I wasn't in control of an awful lot. And deciphering the

difference between what I was in control of and what I wasn't in control of was really the holy grail

of reducing my suffering. And on today's podcast, I want to share some of the things that you are in

control of, what you aren't in control of, and also why it is really, really important.

So welcome to Stillness in the Storms. I'm Steven Webb, your host. And this podcast really just helps you to

see things a little bit different. And if seeing things a little bit different reduces your suffering, gives you a

little more inner peace, then it's working.

So a little bit about me. If this is the first time you ever heard my podcast, I'm paralysed just

below the chest. I've been paralysed since I was 18. I dived into a swimming pool and broke my neck.

And I'm also the Mayor of Truro, so I'm into politics. I'm also a local councillor.

Really I hit my rock bottom at the age of 40. And at that point, I set out to reduce

other people's suffering as well as mine. And I found ways of doing that and I share them with you

on this podcast.

On this podcast today, I really want to talk to you about what is in your control and what isn't

in your control. And this was really a huge eye-opener for me because I really

thought trying to control the world, trying to control everything, and because it wasn't going the way I wanted it,

that was what was causing most of my suffering. And it's quite surprising how much we're not in control of.

Let's face it, when you eat a donut, you you don't even control where the weight's going to go on.

Yet we're trying to control every everything We're trying to control everybody around us. We're trying to control our family.

We're trying to control the the political spectrum of the country. We're trying to control our local

community. We're trying to control our neighbours. And yet we don't really have that much control of our own lives

when it comes down to making decisions and things like that. It's really, really funny when you think about it.

But what is in your power? What is in your control? You know, Control means that you can have some

kind of influence over the outcome. And really, the ultimate control is you have complete control over the outcome. And

you're going to find out that we really don't have virtually any complete control over our outcome. We don't even

have control over our thoughts and our feelings.

And we have some control over our actions, but we don't have any control over where the actions go.

Like firing a bow and arrow. You can do all the training. You can do all the preparation. But once

you leave go of that arrow, that's it. It's up to the wind. It's up to nature. It's up to

everything else once you let go of it. So once that action is out into the world... What happens with

it is totally nothing to do with you or not in your not in your circle of influence anyway. Just

the same as you could replace that bow with something you say and Perhaps you say something to somebody and,

you know how how that lands, how they feel about it, where it goes, how it spread how the ripples

go. Totally not in your control. The only thing that was in your control was whether you should say it

or not. And that's it.

So yeah, what are you in control of? So let's start with that. You're in control of your mind to

some degree and a lot less than people thing Now then, you cannot control your next thought because if I

say to you, what's your next thought?

No, you don't know it until it's there. But once it's already there, you cannot change it. You can only

influence whether you want to stay with it or not. It's like someone delivering a paint to you. You can

decide whether to use it or not. Your mind delivers a thought. You decide whether to use it or not.

It's that simple. Your words. You do have pretty much total control over your words. That

is one place where you do have control. Albeit unless you're not consciously aware of what you're saying and you

just do it out of habit. Someone says, how are you go yeah, I'm fine. Did you consider that response

or not? You know, that's an interesting one.

Was it part of your conscious response? Or is it subconscious? Completely out of habit.

But that words are one thing that we can claw back and we can get to a point where we

can decide. Your actions. You do have control of your actions. You do have control over

what you're doing. You know, if I give you a hammer you have a control you have complete control of

what you do with a hammer. Whether you take it, whether you bang in a nail or you hurt someone

with it. So actions we do have nearly all controlled over unless it's subconscious. But

even then we can do exercise and we can practice to bring more of our, just the same as our

words, to bring more of our actions into the conscious realm so we're aware of what we're doing. So

when you get angry, you're not going to have an outburst of anger. Your emotions. Well, your emotions are not

an easy thing um I don't think you're in control of your emotions. You might have some influence over them,

but I don't think you're in control of them. You know, your emotions arise, just the same as your thoughts

come in. Emotions arise at any given circumstances. But what you do with those emotions, again, is up to you.

You know, you could feel an immense desire for somebody. You don't have to act upon it. You could feel

a real anger or resentment to somebody. You don't have to say something. You don't even have to let them

know, albeit it's hard to hide the micro body language, but essentially you don't have to

express your feelings in words or distinct facial expressions. Your

relationships. You have control over what types of relationships you enter. You do have control over the type of relationship

you're having you know Are you going to be in a loving relationship or are you going to be in

a

damaging relationship? Then you don't have control over how they bring stuff to the relationship, but you have control over

how you receive it or not you know Whether or not you stay in it, whether or not you accept

it, whether or not you have boundaries or not. So let's talk about the things we cannot control. So let's

talk about the things we cannot control. Because I think this is really important because we can always talk about

the things we can control. We kind of know them, but there's so many things we try to control and

we cannot. And this is where I think most of our stress, most of our anxiety and all comes from,

by trying to control the things we cannot control.

And and the first one is this present moment you You have some influence over what the present moment can

become in the next moment. But once this moment's here, you have no control to change it.

You know, if you go outside, you can't change the weather. You can decide whether to wear something appropriate for

the weather. But once it's here, once you're already in that moment, you can't change it. You can't

change that feeling it's arisen. You can't change that thought once it's there. So we cannot change the present moment.

That's really, really important because we try to all time I wish I wasn't here. I wish it wasn't like

this. I wish the weather was better. Oh, I wish I didn't feel like this. Well, you can wish all

you like. You're not gonna change it. Nobody's managed this. Nobody's got their Delorean time machine yet.

The

consequences of your actions. This is a good one. No matter how much you think you have something figured out

and how perfect you think your prediction abilities are, there is always something outside of your control. Put it

out there. Something's going to happen with it. You don't have any influence once it goes out there. We must

expect the unexpected because even under seemingly perfect conditions, we cannot control the outcomes. Like I said that

bow and arrow. We can spend years and years and years preparing for the Olympic Games. And the perfect bow,

the perfect arrow, the perfect weather. And we draw it back. And right at that moment, a nerve catches our

finger. Or it's the perfect, perfect as we possibly can be we

let it go. And that arrow

heads towards the thing. And then there's just like a little bit of wind or something. It just blows it

slightly off course. We knew it was the perfect aim. Nothing you can do about it. You weren't in control

of that little breath of wind or whatever. Other

people's minds.

This is this is funny because we think we can read other people's minds. We think we can read our

partners minds. We know what they're thinking. We don't. What it is, is we we believe they should be thinking

the same as us. Think about that for a moment when When we're angry with them or annoyed with them,

we're annoyed because they're not thinking the way we think they should be thinking.

You know, that's really, really important. You know, we don't have control over other people's thoughts. We don't have control

over our own thoughts, yet we seem to think we can influence and we can be annoyed and Like I

can't believe you think like that. I cannot believe that's the way you see it. You know, are you dumb

or whatever you know But yeah, we really get wound up by other people's thoughts, but we don't have that

influence over them. I told you last week, you know, I've said this so many times to you.

Well, you know, I tell myself loads and loads of times not to procrastinate, not to do this, not to

do that. And yet there I am still doing the same thing again and again and again. You

know, until we've got it all perfect, we cannot invite someone else to live the way we live. And that

may not be the answer for them anyway.

Other people's words, we cannot control what other people say you

know We

get really angry. You shouldn't have said that. How dare you say that? Cannot believe you said that to them.

Well, a

lot of the time it's out of habit and we don't really we're not constantly aware of what we say

You know Other people's actions and you know um their reactions to things, we're not in control of it. You

should not have done this. You should not have reacted in that way. Well, they probably know that now when

things have all gone wrong, but we don't have that influence. What someone else chooses to do or how they

react to something that you choose to do it's ultimately outside of your control. It really is.

Other people's emotions, we cannot. We try this all the time in relationships, don't we? We try to help someone

to love us or help someone to feel at ease or you know whatever We try to influence how other

people feel. Of course, it's noble. You know, we want someone to love us or we want someone to love

the world and feel more empathy and compassion. We want someone to feel good. We try to influence

their happiness genes or happiness hormones, whatever you want to call them.

You know, we don't have that much influence. We don't have control. We maybe have a bit of influence. You

know, if I say something quite nasty, I can change the way they're feeling pretty damn quick. But

I don't have ultimate at control because they could choose to ignore it.

Nature is something we cannot control. We can have influence over, perhaps we could water our garden and hopefully the

grass comes up or whatever we're trying to water it for. But

then again, if it doesn't grow, we don't have the huge amount of influence, the weather and everything else. But

we can just do our bit. And nature is the funny one because we don't try to change nature. We

can sit there and I shared on my Twitter yesterday some squirrels I was filming. And just watching them. I

was just enjoying watching them. I wasn't trying to change them. I wasn't like I'll turn around this way and

do this or pose for me or what are you doing? I was just allowing it to be. Just the

same as the river. Just allowing the river to be.

So, you know, we don't try to change nature and we're relaxed with that. That's okay. That's fine. That's what

we need to do with other people a little more. We need to realise that other humans or just nature.

Same as that squirrel. We expect too much of others. We're not perfect ourselves. We're struggling

ourselves, yet we expect other people around us to be perfect with us. The universe as a

whole, we can't control planets and alignments and all these things. You may try to influence it. When

we are five years old, we may lie in bed and close our eyes and go, I want it to

rain today or I want this to happen or I want this to happen. That's happened. And if it did

happen we go yeah, I did that. I'm magic. No, you didn't.

No, you didn't. It's just coincidences. That's

the reality. We we think we have some influence over the universe around us. We really don't. The other thing

is past and past and future You know, we're still trying to change the past. We

don't have any controlled over the past. The best way of controlling the past is make sure the immediate future

is about responding and about the way what you want to bring into it. And then that new future becomes

the past.

You know, we think with hindsight that we should have known better. We should have done all these things differently

and everything like that. We blame people for getting it wrong.

You know, we just don't have that much control. This is a whole podcast just to tell you you don't

have any control. But

I will, you know, let's turn it around a little bit. You have some little control, yet you don't have

great power over, you know, liberating yourself by realising what you don't have control of. You can spend most of

your time focused on what you do have control of. Your words, your actions, the way you can influence people

around you, the way you can influence life, the way you can influence your feelings and thoughts. If you focus

on negative thoughts, when they arise and you put all the weight on them, or when a feeling arises that

you don't like and you put all that weight onto it, your body and your mind will give you more

of those feelings. If you don't put that much weight and you don't put that much focus on them, it

won't give you them much more. And that's the simple thing. So you can influence what comes next by

focusing on what you focus on in that present moment. You know, if you focus on peace. Ah, just

a deep breath. The next moment is going to be a little more peaceful.

And that's the holy grail.

You can focus on what you want in the next moment. You may get it. You may not get it.

Just don't get attached to whether you get it or not.

You know, I'm Steven Webb and that's my podcast this week. Just, you know, focus on more on what you

are in control of and you're in control of very little this is stillness in the storms and, you know.

You can get all my meditations from stevensmeditations.com and there'll be a link there to the apps and you

go in there. There's also a little course in there as well of how to change your negative bias, negative

mindset bias and have more positive life and a positive outcome and live a little happier. That's all part of

the app. So yeah. So stevensmeditations.com. Take care guys. I love you

and thank you. If you if this podcast does anything to help you in any way, please share it with

your friends. Please send the link out. Do whatever. And above all, just am I in control of

this moment? Am I trying to control something that I'm not in control of? But you are in control of

heading over to stevensmeditations.com. Take care. Bye.