Shownotes
Introduction
- Topic Introduction [00:53]
Main Topics
- When Simple Tasks Require More Energy [02:16]
- When Your Brain Does Not Seem to Cooperate [04:25]
- When Socializing Feels Different [06:50]
- When Milestones, Traditions, and Ordinary Moments Hurt [09:11]
- When Moving Forward Feels Harder Than Standing Still [11:19]
- Closing [15:31]
Additional Resources
Transcripts
00:00
until his passing in January:00:38
My mission is to walk beside you as you navigate grief, honor your healing, and rediscover meaning and purpose in the life that continues. You are not alone. This is the Healing Our Grieving Hearts Podcast.
00:53
Welcome and thank you for joining me today! There are things you used to do without giving them much thought. You went grocery shopping, made dinner, answered the phone, filled out paperwork, attended social gatherings, or made decisions about the future. They were simply ordinary parts of everyday life, but after the death of someone you love, some of those ordinary things can suddenly feel surprisingly difficult.
01:23
Grief changes the weight of everyday life. Tasks that once required little emotional or mental energy may suddenly feel overwhelming, and situations you once enjoyed may require more effort than you have. You may find yourself wondering why something so simple has become so hard.
01:43
If you have experienced this, you are certainly not alone. Grief affects more than our emotions because it can influence our concentration, energy, motivation, confidence, relationships, routines, and even our sense of who we are. Today, I want to talk about some of The Things Grief Makes Harder Than They Used to Be, and perhaps help you give yourself a little more compassion when ordinary life no longer feels quite so ordinary.
02:16
One of the surprising things about grief is how exhausting it can be. You may wake up after a full night of sleep and still feel tired, or you may look at a simple list of things you need to accomplish and feel overwhelmed before you even begin. Doing the laundry, preparing a meal, returning a phone call, or going to the grocery store can sometimes feel like a major undertaking.
02:43
Part of the reason is that grief is already consuming a tremendous amount of your internal resources. Your mind and body are adjusting to a reality you did not choose, while your emotions may be shifting from sadness to anger, confusion, longing, anxiety, or even moments of relief and hope. So much can be happening internally that you simply have less energy for everything happening externally.
03:10
Even grocery shopping can become emotionally complicated after losing a spouse or soulmate. You may automatically reach for something they loved before remembering they are no longer there to eat it, or you may walk past the bakery where you always picked up their favorite treat. Something as ordinary as deciding what to make for dinner can remind you that you are now cooking for one instead of two.
03:37
Household chores can change, too, especially if you and your spouse divided responsibilities. Perhaps they always handled the yard, managed the finances, maintained the car, cooked certain meals, or knew exactly what to do when something broke. Suddenly, you are not simply grieving the person you loved because you are also learning how to manage parts of life that may never have been yours to manage before.
04:02
This is where self-compassion becomes especially important. Instead of asking yourself, “Why can't I keep up anymore?” you might gently ask, “What is taking my energy right now?” The answer may simply be that grief is taking some of it, and acknowledging that can help you adjust your expectations without judging yourself.
04:25
Another experience many grieving people encounter is difficulty concentrating. You may walk into a room and forget why you went there, reread the same paragraph several times, lose your train of thought during a conversation, or forget an appointment written on your calendar. You may even begin questioning yourself because your mind does not seem to work the way it did before your loss.
04:51
Sometimes this is called grief brain. When we are grieving, our minds are processing an enormous amount of emotional information while also trying to adapt to significant changes in our lives. Concentration, memory, decision-making, and mental organization can become more difficult during this adjustment.
05:12
Making decisions can be particularly challenging. Before your loss, you may have discussed major choices with your spouse, but you may have also talked about hundreds of tiny decisions that you barely noticed. What should we have for dinner, should we repair the washing machine or replace it, what time should we leave, where should we spend the holidays, and should we repaint the living room?
05:37
Now those decisions may belong entirely to you. Sometimes the difficulty is not that you are incapable of making them, but that you miss having your person there to talk them through with you. You may know perfectly well what you want to do and still wish you could turn to them and ask, “What do you think?”
05:57
This can also make larger decisions feel especially intimidating. Decisions involving finances, housing, travel, belongings, family traditions, or your future may carry an emotional weight that did not exist before. Giving yourself extra time, whenever possible, can be an act of wisdom rather than a sign that you can't move forward.
06:20
You can also make things easier by writing things down, setting reminders, simplifying your schedule, and limiting the number of decisions you need to make at once. These small accommodations are not failures; they are ways of supporting yourself while your mind carries something extraordinarily significant. You do not have to function exactly as you did before loss while you are learning how to live within an entirely different reality.
06:50
Relationships can become more complicated after loss, even when you are surrounded by people who genuinely care about you. Social gatherings that once felt enjoyable may suddenly feel exhausting, awkward, or emotionally unpredictable. Sometimes you may desperately want companionship while also wanting everyone to leave you alone.
07:13
Part of the difficulty is that social situations can highlight your spouse's absence. Walking into a gathering alone when you once arrived as a couple can bring an unexpected wave of grief, especially when everyone else seems to be paired off. Weddings, anniversaries, holidays, parties, family gatherings, and even casual dinners can remind you of the person who should be standing beside you.
07:40
You may also wonder how to answer when someone asks, “How are you doing?” You may not know whether they really want to know, and you may not know how much you want to share. Sometimes the truthful answer is far more complicated than the conversation allows.
07:57
You may also discover that your tolerance for certain conversations has changed. Complaints that once seemed ordinary may feel trivial compared with what you have experienced, while conversations about spouses, retirement plans, vacations, or future anniversaries may unexpectedly touch tender places. None of this means you are becoming antisocial; it may simply mean you are learning what your heart can comfortably hold right now.
08:25
You may also feel guilty when you begin enjoying yourself again. You may be laughing with friends when you suddenly realize you are having a wonderful time, and for a moment that realization can feel uncomfortable. Yet laughter does not erase love, and enjoying an evening does not mean you have forgotten the person who died.
08:44
Learning to socialize after loss often involves discovering a new rhythm. You may stay for an hour instead of an entire evening, drive yourself so you can leave when you are ready, or decline invitations without feeling obligated to explain yourself. You may also discover new friendships and communities where you can show up exactly as you are without pretending that grief is no longer part of your life.
09:11
We often expect birthdays, anniversaries, holidays, and other significant dates to be difficult after loss. What's more surprising are the ordinary moments that catch us completely unprepared. A song playing in a store, an empty chair at the kitchen table, a familiar scent, or a television show you watched together can suddenly bring the past rushing into the present.
09:35
Traditions can become particularly complicated because they carry both comfort and pain. You may want to continue doing something exactly as you always did because it helps you feel connected to your loved one. At the same time, you may discover that another tradition has become too painful and needs to change.
09:55
No tradition must remain the same. You may keep what brings comfort, change what no longer fits, release what feels too difficult, and create something entirely new. Your relationship with the person who died is not measured by how faithfully you reproduce the life you once shared.
10:14
Even celebrations can feel complicated. Your birthday, a child's wedding, the birth of a grandchild, a graduation, or another meaningful event may bring genuine happiness while also intensifying the awareness that someone important is missing. Joy and grief can arrive in the same moment, and neither one invalidates the other.
10:37
There may also be moments when you wish you could simply tell your spouse what happened. Something funny occurs, someone says something ridiculous, you receive good news, or you accomplish something that once seemed impossible. For a split second, you may think, “I can't wait to tell them,” before remembering that you cannot share it in the way you once did.
11:02
These moments remind us that grief is not limited to sadness. Grief is also the continuing presence of love searching for familiar places to go. Over time, you may find new ways to carry those conversations, memories, traditions, and moments with you.
11:19
Eventually, grief can make another part of life difficult: imagining the future. For a long time, your future may have included another person. You had plans, routines, assumptions, dreams, and perhaps an entire picture of what growing older together was supposed to look like.
11:37
After loss, looking ahead can feel frightening because the future you expected no longer exists. Even when new possibilities begin appearing, you may hesitate to embrace them because doing so can feel like moving farther away from the life you shared. Sometimes standing still feels safer because at least it feels connected to what you knew.
11:58
Yet moving forward does not mean leaving your loved one behind. There is a meaningful difference between moving on from someone and moving forward with the love, memories, lessons, and experiences that remain part of you. Your life can expand without diminishing the importance of the life you shared.
12:17
You may also discover that grief makes it harder to trust yourself. When your world has changed so dramatically, it is understandable that you might question your decisions or wonder whether you are ready for something new. You may find yourself asking whether it is too soon to travel, redecorate the house, make new friends, pursue a dream, or simply enjoy your life again.
12:40
There is no universal timeline for these choices. Healing isn't measured by how quickly you return to your previous level of productivity or how soon you feel comfortable doing things alone. Sometimes healing looks like taking one small step toward something that matters to you and discovering you can take another.
13:02
Over time, some of the things that feel difficult today may become easier. You may develop new routines, learn skills your spouse once handled, become more confident making decisions, and discover that you can walk into places alone that once felt impossible. You may even find yourself doing things you never imagined doing before your loss.
13:25
There may still be moments when grief makes something unexpectedly hard again. A difficult day does not erase the progress you have made, just as a joyful day does not erase your grief. Both can be part of the same continuing journey.
13:42
Perhaps one of the kindest things you can do for yourself is stop expecting everything to feel as easy as it once did. You are not living the same life you were living before your loss, and you have been learning how to navigate a world that changed in ways you never asked it to change. That deserves patience.
14:03
When something feels harder than it used to, you might ask yourself what would make it just a little easier today. Perhaps you need to break the task into smaller pieces, ask someone for help, give yourself more time, change a tradition, decline an invitation, or simply acknowledge that today is harder. You don’t need to conquer every difficult thing at once.
14:31
Grief may make ordinary things harder, but slowly, those ordinary things can also become places where you begin to recognize your own strength. The first time you solve a problem you once depended on your spouse to handle, attend an event alone, make a significant decision, or create a new tradition, you may realize how much has quietly changed within you. You are not replacing the life you had because you are learning how to carry its love into the life that is still unfolding.
15:03
So, when the grocery store feels harder, when making dinner feels harder, when concentrating feels harder, when socializing feels harder, or when imagining tomorrow feels harder, give yourself permission to acknowledge that it really is harder right now. Then give yourself the same kindness you would offer someone else who was learning how to live after a profound loss.
15:31
As we close today, remember that you don’t have to do grief perfectly, and you don’t have to prove your strength by pretending something is easy when it isn't. Sometimes strength is simply recognizing what is difficult, honoring what you need, and continuing forward one ordinary moment at a time.
15:51
The mission of Healing Our Grieving Hearts is to support women who are navigating life after the loss of a spouse or soulmate, and those who are tenderly companioning their husbands through illness. Through spiritual care, sound and vibration therapies, and reflective practices, I help women find meaning, healing, and renewed purpose.
16:12
For free resources, including tips for coping with grief and rediscovering joy, visit purpose.healingourgrievinghearts.com. You can also connect with me on Facebook at facebook.com/Kay.Fontana.
16:28
Thank you for listening to this episode of the Healing Our Grieving Hearts Podcast. Remember, you are not alone in your grief, and your experiences and emotions are valid. Join me next Saturday at 10 a.m. Arizona time, as we continue exploring the human experience and “The Unexpected Freedom That Can Come with Grief.”
16:49
Until next time, may you give yourself grace for the things that feel harder than they used to, patience for the life you are still learning to navigate, and trust that each small step is carrying you toward a future where love remains part of who you are and who you are becoming.
17:08
Take gentle care of yourself, my friend.
