Ever wondered how to navigate the wild world of modern dating? Well, buckle up because we’re diving deep into the juicy details of what it takes to find your ideal partner, whether you're looking for a fling or a lifelong commitment. Our guest spills the tea on his five golden principles for dating that are designed to help women elevate their game. From the crucial importance of healthy self-esteem to the simple yet often overlooked concept of common sense—he breaks it all down. He explains that when you truly value yourself, you naturally attract the right kind of people and won't settle for less. Plus, he touches on how understanding men can help women decode their behaviors in dating scenarios—because let’s be real, who wouldn’t want to know what’s going on in the male brain? And if that’s not enough, we tackle the whole 'law of reciprocity'—basically, if you’re the only one dancing, it’s time to sit down and reevaluate. It’s a candid conversation filled with insight, humor, and maybe a few eye rolls at the absurdities of love in 2023. Taking a different angle, we also explore the underlying psychological issues that plague both men and women in the dating scene. The episode doesn't shy away from the heavy stuff, like the pressures of societal expectations and the often toxic dynamics of modern relationships. Our guest argues that many women over-invest emotionally in relationships, often with dudes who don’t reciprocate those feelings. He calls out the idea that a lack of healthy male role models contributes to this mess—yeah, we’re talking about the 'Scar' effect in dating. It's a metaphorical monster that keeps young men from stepping up and claiming their role as responsible partners. We chat about how these dynamics play out in real life and how both genders can work towards healthier, more fulfilling connections. Spoiler alert: it all comes down to purpose and community. Lastly, we wrap things up by discussing the role of education in shaping young men's understanding of relationships. Our convo takes a turn when we talk about this new initiative in the UK to teach boys how to interact with girls—because clearly, that’s going to solve all problems, right? Our guest is skeptical, arguing that simply teaching mechanics isn’t enough. Instead, he advocates for the need to instill purpose and community values in young men, so they grow up to be decent human beings who understand the importance of mutual respect and partnership. Trust me, this isn’t just about teaching boys to be nice; it's about creating a generation that values real connections over superficial ones. If you’re looking for a blend of humor, sarcasm, and real talk about relationships, this episode is a must-listen.

Takeaways:

• Having a solid coaching philosophy means focusing on what people truly want from their relationships, whether it's short-term fun or long-term love, you do you!
• Self-esteem is crucial; when you love yourself, you set higher standards for how others treat you, because who needs bad vibes?
• Understanding men is key—guys often study women to get what they want, so ladies, it's time to crack the code on what makes them tick!
• Your value in a relationship goes beyond looks and personality; it's about whether your presence makes his life better, so bring your A-game!
• Reciprocity in dating is like a dance; if you're the only one stepping forward, you might as well be doing the moonwalk solo, and nobody wants that!
• Purpose is essential for men; without it, they can end up like a ship without a captain, just drifting, so let's get them on a course for greatness!

What's your sort of coaching philosophy?

Yeah, so I believe in a healthy approach towards women and men finding their ideal long term outcome, whatever it is that you want.

And for some people that outcome is a more short term strategy.

And for some people the outcome is I want to find my person, be in a happy relationship, possibly go to a marriage.

So I essentially hinge my process on five core circumstances, simple principles.

And in essence it hinges on the.

Yeah, it hinges on the tenets that I put in a free ebook I give out on my Instagram called the Queen's Playbook.

And there's five keys that I believe help you ace modern dating.

And what I say within that is that on one hand you want to have healthy self esteem because it is the, it is the answer to nearly everything.

When you love on yourself effectively enough and you require excellence from yourself, inevitably you don't tolerate anything less from anybody else because of the love you give you.

So how do you develop and there.

Are self esteem by keeping the promises to yourself.

So and it can manifest in the simplest of ways.

You decided that you'll go to the gym at 6, don't compromise on it, get up and do it.

Because each, each time you keep a small promise to yourself, you're validating that you trust you.

And inevitably when you trust and care about you and somebody is treating you awfully, your default is to either remove them from your life or remove you from the situation.

Do you know what I mean?

So healthy self esteem I believe is one of the big keys.

The other one is common sense.

How a man treats you is how he feels about you.

A lot of the time ladies complicate the dating space in ways that it does not need to be complicated.

In his behavior is proof of how he sees you.

And once you absorb that data, you make the best move that essentially serves you.

And the third principle is understanding men because I think women don't do that.

We live in a world that has always pedestalized women, made them feel like they're the prize.

Men have always been the disposable sex.

So men inevitably study women so they can get what they want from women.

But I don't think women do enough of it.

In the other in reverse.

And I believe it's important to study men how we, how we function, the things we care about, how, how to incentivize us towards long term outcomes.

Good word that.

Incentivize, right?

Yeah.

And then the fourth principle is adding value and one, the simplest way I put this is that your beauty attracts men.

It makes them want to get sexual access.

Your personality entertains men, it just makes men want to be around you.

But those two things are not enough for a commitment because nearly any woman can do it.

You all have a kitty cat and you all have a personality.

But your addition of real value is what makes you irreplaceable.

Is his life better because you are in it?

That's what makes the difference.

Yeah.

Is the difference between she has to be in my life as my woman and oh yeah, it's just another one I could play with.

And then the final one is the law of reciprocity, which is fundamentally it is the music to the dating dance.

And how I put it is if there is no music, stop dancing.

Never be afraid of making a big effort, but if it's not reciprocated, stop giving it.

The easiest way to avoid all this overinvesting is to look at dating like it's a dance, like a salsa.

You take a step forward, they take a step back.

Then you take a step back, they take a step forward.

But if you're just taking forward steps, you're no longer dancing, you're just marching.

So you've once you make big efforts, take a step back and let them reciprocate it.

That's how you know the effort is being matched.

And if it's going value for value, inevitably it turns into a relationship at some point in the journey.

So that's essentially my five principles on which I coach women toward a long term outcome.

Yeah.

Such a shame, isn't it how we have a fundamental flaw in human psychology of as sort of.

This is full circle.

I believe it was towards the beginning how satiate satiating women sort of hypergamous nature.

If you put them below you, they desire you more.

Because you were just talking about how investment and how you see so many women over investing in when there's no reciprocation there.

That's right.

But that's just what happens, isn't it?

Yeah, but mind you, women only do that over investing for the men they really desire because that's not the reality that absolutely every man experiences.

So when a woman usually says oh he wasted my time, what she's basically saying is I over invested in this guy and he didn't do the same back for me.

And then he ultimately didn't even give me a relationship.

But that's not, that's not every man's reality.

Do you know what I mean?

So overinvesting tends to happen when they see you as that guy and they do everything to try and get you and sometimes they go overboard.

Yeah.

Without realizing that actually, regardless of how desirable you see the guy, if he's really into you, he will reciprocate your moves.

Yeah.

He won't let you outdo him.

Do you know what I mean?

So, yeah, that's kind of how I see it.

Do you?

Oh, do I get it?

That's quite a long tangent.

Okay, maybe we'll get to that.

Have you seen that they're trying to enforce educating boys on how to interact with women in the UK government?

That's the thing that they're trying to do.

You know the program.

5, 4, 3, 2, 1.

What is it?

Adolescence.

Adolescence.

Yeah, I know.

I was going to say succession.

Not succession.

Adolescence.

You've seen, have you seen it?

Have you heard about it?

Yeah.

This is a little boy who was radicalized with it.

Stephen Graham was his dad.

Yeah, yeah.

God, I forgot that whole aspect of it.

Radicalized.

Yeah.

So they're trying to.

In light of that, effectively the government are going to, in theory, potentially implement.

God, stop rumbling stomach.

That's why in theory going to.

You won't be able to hear it.

In theory, going to implement like advice or guidance for young boys on how to.

Educating them on how to interact with young women to prevent alleged radicalization.

Even though there's multiple forms of radicalization.

Actually when you, when you look into it, just we don't talk about a lot of them.

What's your opinion on that?

I think all of these things.

When I grew up in Ghana, something that was constantly preached to us was the idea that charity begins at home.

At the end of the day, the, you know, people like Mr. Bald Guy from Romania or whatever, the only reason why people like him became a big deal in the world.

I don't think men are idiots in the world.

I don't think men dislike women so much that they would yield to the ideas of some controversial figure because it makes them feel good.

I think he was a symptom of a bigger problem.

And the problem being that most men don't have enough healthy heroes around.

And because their masculinity has been called toxic and it seems like it's being beaten out of them.

Out of nowhere, here comes this figure who seems to represent masculinity.

He's bald, which is a hyper masculine trait.

He's ripped, which most men want to be.

He's rich, which most men want to be.

He gets Girls, which most men want to get.

He is famous, which most men would like.

Why wouldn't people listen to him?

And he was a fighter and he.

Was which most men would like to have some degree of skill for.

Why wouldn't men listen to him?

He is an embodiment of nearly all the things that most men would like.

Do you know what I mean?

Regardless of his views.

So I think quite simply, he, he wasn't the problem.

He was a symptom of the issue.

And once the issue gets resolved with healthy male role models, people like him can't influence the world or how.

How men view the world.

Men are lacking heroes.

And if, if it be that meant that the society doesn't want people like him.

The problem isn't about we need to teach guys how to talk to girls.

We need to put men around men who embody how to do it.

So inevitably you copy it.

When I was growing up, I used to look at my granddad shaving his beard.

I didn't have any hairs on my chin at the time, but he would take out the blades from some of the Gillettes and give it to me and he would put some of the shaving foam on me.

And while he's shaving his beard, I would be doing the same thing.

But essentially I was learning how to be a man from a man.

Right.

So if inevitably, at some point in my journey, I remember what grandpa used to do and then I do it for myself.

Yeah.

That's how we actually fix the issue.

But if we create, it's just like sex education at school.

It's all about safety and mechanics.

It's not about pleasure.

No.

So the idea is, if you get your sex education from school, you're not necessarily, as a man going to know how to please women.

And if school is teaching you how to talk to girls, I don't think that would actually fix the issue for you because I don't think the society's best interest is to get you all your dream outcomes.

With women, it's just going to come up with a baseline idea of how to just get along with people, but it's not necessarily going to teach you what really works as far as what women.

That would be a crazy sex ed class though, wouldn't it?

You get what I'm saying?

Yeah.

So I think, I don't necessarily think teaching men through school is the way.

I think it will create a baseline for healthy interactions as friends.

But as far as romantic outcomes, I don't think it's got a chance in My humble opinion.

So, yeah, it's.

I think it's not just that men lack heroes, but it's also that they're into.

The entire masculine enterprise has been demonized.

And do you know that obviously, you know the film Lion King.

I do love it.

So iconic film.

And the reason it's so iconic is because all the characters in Lion King.

I'm going to use the word again.

It's my favorite word.

Are existential archetypes that crop up in all aspects of life.

So Lion King is Hamlet.

Yeah, of course.

You know that he.

Right at the beginning of the podcast, he was quoting Hamlet, ladies and gentlemen.

I forgot about that.

I said, say something to the camera.

And he starts going to be or not to.

That was a question.

I was not expecting that.

So he knows Hamlet.

Okay.

Yeah.

So society, masculinity and patriarchy have two polarities.

We have the benevolent king and we have the evil patriarch.

So Mufasa is the benevolent king and Scar is the evil patriarch.

And that.

It spans across our entire.

That is relevant individually, socially, culturally, across all aspects of existence.

So when people talk about the toxic masculinity and of all the oppressive patriarchy, they're actually right.

There is an oppressive side to the patriarchy, and it is.

It's often missed.

They often call out the wrong people.

But there is correct.

They are.

You know, the feminists definitely have a point.

But regardless, what has happened scarce.

Scar wants Mufasa dead because he is the evil patriarch.

And the evil patriarch doesn't like the benevolent king because he wants to be in control.

He wants to be in charge.

And the way that he does that is a.

He kills off Scar, but he's also got no.

A kills of Mufasa, but he's also got Simba.

Simba is the younger.

The younger generation of men who are coming through and.

But he doesn't want him to be around either.

So he's got to get rid of Simba.

Scar, he's got a grid of Simba.

Just get the words right, Ollie.

So what Scar does is effectively humiliates Simba and he runs off into the wilderness.

The wilderness when the.

With the kuna matata.

And that's the world of porn and video games and distractions.

Distractions, Lack of acceptance of who you truly are.

But Scar wants Simba either dead or over there because then he can be in control.

And he doesn't have to worry about Simba rising up, becoming a man, taking on duty.

Young men of today have to deal with a very, very large presence of Scar that sits on top of them that no one talks about is very prevalent, very relevant.

And the benevolent king has been.

Is being squashed and bastardized and sort of trivialized, you know, so the, you know, Modern family.

Phil Dunphy.

Phil, the dad in Modern Family, he's a good.

He's a perfect example of benevolent king, but he's depicted as the bumbling idiot.

And often the benevolent king is a bit of a bumbling idiot because the benevolent king doesn't see how Mufasa doesn't see that Scar is plotting against him, even though he is plotting against him.

And he needs to be more aware of it.

Yeah.

How do you think young men.

This is not dating at all.

But how.

But I feel like given your culture and given how well spoken you are, you.

You have a relative.

Interesting opinion.

Relevant, interesting opinion.

How do you think young men can battle with this, the metaphorical scarlet, as in the character Scar that is with us?

How do young men combat the oppressive patriarch that is also trying to oppress them and not allowing them to become who they could be, the king that they are?

I think it's very interesting because in life, on one hand, it's arguable that you have to save your own life.

Yeah.

But on the other hand as well, because where I grew up in Africa, it's a series of tribes.

So community is your salvation.

You know what I mean?

And one of the things, I didn't learn this till later, but is the idea that as you're growing up as a young boy, as you're interacting with your society and the communities around you, you look for the problems in the community.

And once you do see the problems in your community, you find one of them that your gifts fit the bill for.

And then you go and get an education on that gift, Hone it, skill it, and get it great as possible, return to your community and solve the problem.

That's how you give young men purpose, by having a function within the tribe.

That's the hero's myth, isn't it?

Yeah.

It's a meaning of life.

Yeah.

When men have no purpose, they become dangerous.

Men with no purpose and are surrounded by distractions are lethal men.

Do you know what I mean?

Purpose is the key.

But purpose comes from having a reason to wake up in the morning, and that usually stems from a problem to solve.

You know, Denzel Washington put it best, Ease is a greater threat to progress.

And if we look at that.

What do you call it, if we look at that very famous sort of sliding scale where it Says strong men create good times.

Yeah, Right.

You've heard that story, that thing.

Hard times create strong men.

Strong men create good times.

Good times create weak men, and weak men create hard times.

And the cycle just has to keep spinning.

So really what we've.

What we've seen happen is the very.

Some of the very things that they have criticized about the patriarchy also are some of the good things the patriarchy did because it created the good times.

We're in where we have the luxury of being surrounded in distractions to where the men are weaker.

And unsurprisingly, everybody is saying, well, what's wrong with the men?

On one hand, chemically, men are lacking testosterone compared to their grandparents, which is so chemically, men are less manly.

Yeah.

And number two, way more distractions now than there's ever been, from social media to corn and all of that good.

All of that stuff.

But there has been a rewriting of history.

That's right.

In a negative light of what men historically provided.

Right.

Yeah.

And that is.

That's what I mean.

When Scar has done that, he has told he.

The not I've.

The.

The spirit of Scar has done that because that's how he keeps Simba at bay.

That's how he keeps new masculinity.

Because Scar wants to be in charge.

He wants control.

He wants everything to be the same.

Simba is like the.

The job of the individual is to take the knowledge and the wisdom of the community and the culture and to rejuvenate and to.

To imbue.

What was in the past isn't necessarily relevant anymore, but there's still key aspects that need to be extracted out, but they need to be carried forward and refreshed in a way that is commensurate with the given culture.

So that.

That.

That's effectively what you were saying.

It's.

It's.

The hero's myth is to go out, find something of worth, and then return it back to your community, solve a.

Problem and add value to it.

Yeah.

I mean, because that's what actually gives men more fulfillment in the world.

Being a worthy contributor to your society.

That gives men reasons to wake up in the morning.

And when that is happening cyclically speaking, men are generally quite happy and they're not.

It puts them in robust positions to also then be worthy, eligible mates for women.

Do you know what I mean?

So I believe purpose is actually what would solve the problem.

Men having a reason to live, a reason to fight off the distractions because there is something to do to progress our world.

Forward.

When men are doing that, inevitably they are productive people in society.

So I think purpose is the key, in my opinion.

And those are the sorts of men that women should be pursuing.

Just to everyone.

Yeah.

Yeah.

What does the next.

Got four minutes.

What are the next.

Where does Mr. King go from here?

What's the plan?

So there is course content coming out digitally soon.

We're about to prepare that.

I've just been fine tuning it so women can access that and that's going to be on a platform that would also create a community and that would come with a variety of other benefits too.

Yeah.

And that is also going to go hand in hand with a high ticket experience of long term dating mentorship with me for three months plus where I walk them through my process and also be on call for them while they're dating for questions when they need to pre and post date debriefs, a number of other benefits that come with that.

That's a good idea.

Pre and post date debriefs.

Yeah.

Keep an eye out.

Yeah.

And where can people find you?

You can find me on Instagram @MrKingStakes and on TikTok @MrKingStake and on YouTube with the same name.

So perfect.