From "Slide Singing" Beyoncé to battling autoimmune disease—this is the wildest journey of healing you'll hear this year.

Patrick sits down with viral comedian Andi Marie Tillman (and her alter-ego Aunt Pam) for a masterclass in satire and survival. We laugh at the absurdity of religious performance ("Belinda the Interpreter") so we can heal from the trauma of it.

We Cover:

1. The Comedy of Dogma: Why we laugh at the culture we grew up in.
2. The "Victorian Woman": Andi’s hilarious take on chronic illness.
3. Reconstruction: How to keep your faith when the system breaks.
4. Sobriety: The reality of facing life without a buffer.

Mentioned in this Episode:

1. "All Her Fault" (Peacock)
2. The "Skibidi Toilet" Phenomenon

We dive into a hilariously candid conversation with comedian Andi Marie Tillman, who joins me, Patrick Custer, for a wild ride through her comedic journey and the ups and downs of life. Right off the bat, we chat about her unique approach to comedy, including her quirky tales of having a tongues interpreter who hilariously flips the script, interpreting her everyday chat into something utterly nonsensical. We also touch on her experiences with gratitude, health challenges, and the rollercoaster of recovery, all while keeping the laughs rolling. Andi's vibrant personality shines through as we explore her adventures in navigating life, relationships, and the struggle between public persona and personal reality. So, grab your favorite snack, kick back, and get ready for some belly laughs and heartfelt moments that remind us all that life is a beautifully messy journey! Diving into the vibrant world of comedy, this episode features a delightful chat between host Patrick Custer and the witty Andi Marie Tillman. From the get-go, the banter flows like a refreshing glass of lemonade on a hot summer day, as they explore the ups and downs of life, laughter, and everything in between. The conversation kicks off with Andi’s humorous take on the intricacies of life’s everyday challenges, including her witty commentary on being a mother and the delightful chaos that comes with it. With her unique perspective, Andi shares anecdotes that have the audience chuckling, all while weaving in meaningful insights about gratitude and resilience. “We have no idea what our life is going to actually look like,” she remarks, reminding us all to embrace uncertainty with a smile. As the episode progresses, Patrick and Andi delve into the nuances of self-identity, the importance of authenticity in comedy, and how humor can be a powerful tool for healing. Andi’s candidness about her own struggles with addiction and mental health adds depth to the conversation, making it not just a light-hearted romp but also a heartfelt exploration of overcoming adversity. She shares her journey of personal growth, emphasizing that while laughter is essential, acknowledging our struggles is equally crucial. “I want to cross between the Wiz and, like, gutter slut,” she quips, showcasing her ability to blend humor with real talk effortlessly. Listeners are treated to an emotional rollercoaster as Patrick and Andi navigate topics like societal expectations, the often unrealistic portrayal of life on social media, and the pressure to maintain a certain image. The episode wraps up on a high note, leaving audiences not only entertained but also inspired to embrace their own imperfections and to find joy in the journey of life. So, grab your headphones and get ready for a good laugh and a dose of wisdom that will resonate long after the episode ends!

Meet the Guest: You know her as "Aunt Pam" on TikTok, but Andi Marie Tillman is so much more than the wig. She is an actor, writer, and the internet’s favorite "Appalachian Goth." After growing up in the strict world of Pentecostalism and navigating the "get cured or get out" pressure of the Christian music industry, Andi found her voice by turning her trauma into viral comedy. She joins Patrick to discuss the reality behind the characters, her journey through sobriety, and how to keep your faith when the church breaks your heart.

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Instagram: @andimarietillman

TikTok: @andimariere

YouTube: @andimarietillman

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Companies mentioned in this episode:

1. Ambien
2. T.J. Maxx
3. Burlington
4. Goodwill

I'm just talking, and she's interpreting in tongues.

Who does that help?

God.

The ambience.

The ambience. The Ambien. The Ambien here is also superior. I want to cross between the Wiz and, like, gutter slut. There's no shortage of bitching in my home.

See how much my face moves? Yeah. I'm proud of every wrinkle I've got. We have no idea what our life is going to actually look like. And I think that I choose to be grateful.

Did she give you, like, dividends from her?

She give me dipping dots. She don't give me no dividends. How would you tell God I need a new car this year? She's going to be able to interpret that.

So God doesn't understand English. Yeah, we can. We can get started. I mean, we might have to do a solo episode if she doesn't show up, but we can.

I can do my intros right now, I guess, if we need to. So if you want to start.

Braylon. Hi, down there. Hey, Patrick. How you doing, honey? Brayden, I said sit down there. With Daniel. Is. With Daniel.

We will see.

No, because.

Because he doesn't take sass.

I ain't gonna do it.

The Latin in him is I ain't gonna do.

She could learn something. He speaks Spanish. Go in there and ask him about your homework.

So. Well, ask him about.

She's doing Spanish now, so she needs to be learning it anyway.

How old? I've been wondering. Well, welcome. I did. Andy didn't tell me you were going to be visiting us.

She don't tell nobody nothing about me. I feel like she's embarrassed of me or something.

Well, she might.

You want some gum, honey?

I would love some. You know, it's. I don't think I've had gum since the last time you gave it to me.

You haven't?

I don't think so.

Lord, People probably been saying you needed it, huh?

Wow.

You don't need a whole piece, but here you go.

You and your half pieces ago take. This is so triggering for me.

Is it? Well, you're triggered by so much, though.

Yes, but that's part of, you know, going. Going through some things. I've been healing you, and gum is a big thing. Is. Is Extra your new favorite flavor?

Yeah, that is my flavor this month. Well, Sam's is doing a big thing because I could get five together, and that's why. So. So extra. Is it right now?

I usually do double mint, but I tell you what, I'm praying for so many people. And so when you're standing and being in front of somebody's face, I just think, you know, it's on me. It's on me to be minty fresh.

If I'm going to be speaking for God.

Yeah.

I don't want to be speaking for God. And then them smell corn and baloney and I don't know what. You know. Yeah.

Did you. You brought somebody else with you?

That is the interpreter. Oh, Belinda. Belinda. Yeah, it's interpreter. We love her. She does tongues interpreting.

Okay, well, see, really, I was trying to get a tongues interpreter for when I speak in tongues, you know, because if I go into somewhere and people probably don't know when I say shanda debacita mata 3. And then that might scare somebody else.

You know, I was terrified.

But we got blend in. I thought, well, she knows how to translate all that stuff. Well, she does opposite. I'm just talking to you right now.

And she'll translate it into tugs. So say I say car. She might say quoted us a bead or something like that, you know.

Yeah.

And that ain't really what we after, but, you know, you take what you get and everybody's got their own gifts. And I want to edify hers too. Huh?

Yeah. Well, maybe I'll just ask Andy about that. Is she still coming?

Oh, Andy's supposed to be here already. But, you know, you can't rely on her. Well, you can't rely on her for no more than disappointment.

Listen, she's in high demand these days.

Don't I know it. But she's made me famous.

She.

She's made me famous by having me on her show.

I know. It's so nice of her to do that.

Like I want.

She give you like a dividends from her?

She give me dipping dots. She don't give me no dividends. Oh, she's dividing it a lot then.

I mean, she took us out to eat the other night, but she thought we went to Phillips's drive in. She got me a Frito pie.

Is that East Tennessee thing.

Yeah. I mean, they're good. They got good stuff. But, you know, I thought Frito pie was. That cost $7. It take me out to a catfish dinner or something.

Yeah.

You know, a couple hush puppies or something for all that. I used to clean her bottom and take a four wheeling. I don't know what all.

You know, maybe you should have a little convo with her about it.

I try to just be grateful for where I am and what I am.

And I Can feel that since you brought Braylon with you and, well, is she bothering him? Well, I don't know, but I'm.

Braylon.

Can you ask her not to draw on the walls?

How do you say that in Spanish?

Doesn't she know English?

Oh, I thought we was talking about Daniel. But Daniel teach her, come away. Isn't that what you say, how you say it? I'm sick of her doing awful stuff. You know it.

Does she still make the Barbies kiss upside down?

Well, she's kind of growed out of that now, but I swear she makes them Sims do it.

The Sims?

The Sims. The Sims.

C. Hymns.

S, I, M, S. Them. Well, I think that's how you spell it. Computer people.

Oh, yeah, it's a computer. Yes, I remember. I didn't know they were still around.

Oh, gosh, they are. They. They get around. I'll tell you that much right now.

Okay, so she's doing, like.

I feel like it is a little bit pornographic. I mean, there's something about it. That's okay. Wicked.

I feel like you're averting my question about what her real age is.

Oh, Braylon.

Yeah.

Braylon, are you 15? Well, I don't know. I don't even know how old I am half the time. She's 14. Oh, but that's the worst age, you know, because it's right there in that.

In between. Between high school and middle school, where they're old enough to know better, but they're young enough to do wrong still.

She calls you Auntie Mom. So, like, I've been wondering, is she.

She makes up all kinds of. It's my granddaughter, but she calls me everything under the sun. I'm just glad it ain't a. It ain't a expletive.

Well, Andy's not here yet, so, you know, I've got a couple more questions, but I'm swirling around in my head that I just. I mean. Okay, you made it downtown. You never come downtown.

No.

Okay, so. Well, terrified, I know, but clearly you brave it sometimes, as you exposed last time.

You're no stranger to Hustler Hollywood, and you took to my surprise. Braylon there with you. Did you do this again? I mean, like, you had to pass it on over here, so I like.

To get camisoles there. They get the ones that's got the underwires, and that one's good for me because I gotta have it, you know? Otherwise, I. It'll be.

If I'm doing titty twisters, it's down here.

So what is A camisole.

A camisole is the one that it's like, it's like a one piece swimsuit but it's all tan so you can wear it under your clothes. I don't want to be exposing myself. You know, when you get older things leak out and you got to have extra protection.

So if you got panties, you want to have a camisole over it, some tights, it gives you layers.

Is it a.

So if I get to laughing, you know it's got to come through about five layers to get on the floor.

I'm so glad I don't have to deal with that.

I'm too. But it's coming for all of us. Boy, it smells good in here.

It really does, doesn't it? I think it might be the gum.

It could be the gum, but it could be all them candles you got in there. I'm gonna have to take me some home.

Listen, I know you're a Ross girly and not not to throw shade.

What?

Is Burlington still around?

Oh, is Burlington still around? I mean, let me tell you something. Bowls, snacks, coats, that's what they're known for.

I know when I found out they had bowls and snacks. Now I want to get to the snacks in just a second but I have to tell you. Yeah, so our thing is T.J. maxx. T.J. maxx Home Goods.

And I know that might be a little hoity for you, so. But their candle section is exquisite.

Mm.

Yep.

I go to the discount of the little ends. You know the little book ends at each one of the aisles where they got the discount.

That's the only way to do it.

That's the only way to do it.

Yeah. You got to get a deal.

You got to get a deal.

I don't care how much money I have. I want to deal.

I do stock and stuffers and then for the, for Braylon I picked two stock and stuffers from TJ Maxx. The rest of them Ross. Yeah, Goodwill, all that kind of stuff.

Oh, okay.

A couple from TJ Maxx because that's a little bit upscale, a little bit uppity for me.

I just, just get a little deep. I, you express some, some, some real, real strong opinions about addiction being a lack of self control last time you were here.

And yeah, you know I, I care about Andy so therefore I care about you a little bit. There's, there's been some talk about some serious self control issues.

Has Tim called you?

I, I, I really don't want to, I just, I want to check on you.

Well, I tell you what, the thing I'm addicted to is my time with God. So if loving the Lord is wrong, I don't want to be right.

Well, okay. Yeah, that's right. Yeah. Okay, well, that will take that answer. God, it's been so long since I've seen you. And I was thinking through.

Thinking through what Andy told She's. She said you were an award winning slide singer. I don't know that we have that. The distinguished recognition here.

Yeah.

In the city.

Slide singing.

I think I have an idea of what that might be.

Yeah.

And I was wondering if you. If you might be willing to give us a taste.

Well, I never. I never knew that it was called slide singing. To me it was always just singing. I always sang from my heart.

But, you know, some people do think I've got a little bit of a talent for it or something. I can't even take a lot of credit for that, you know, that's just the Lord working through me, I reckon. But you wanted me to sing.

I. Yeah. Okay, so. So I want to know, will you sing your favorite Beyonce song in the slide singing. Oh, Beyonce worship style?

I'm a survivor. I'm not gonna give up. I'm not gonna stop. I'm gonna work hard. Hallelujah.

Amen.

That one's got an uplifting message too.

I think I just got re saved.

Remember when they. He asked Paul, he said, do I crawl back up in my mother's womb again and come back out? Is that what you mean by being reborn?

What was the answer to crawling back up in the womb?

That. That's not what he meant. Oh, look at here. My friend did this cute little night before Christmas. You already have that. You know that old land.

And he does all the. He does the online stuff.

Southern landed Landon talks and he's so sweet how he taught. And his hair is so.

He got good gold. He's got good hair. He's got good hair. Gold. Very, very pretty hair. But anyway, I thought I got that for you. I thought you'd think that was fun.

Now I ain't going to read it. You know, that's the thing is I ain't going to read it.

Literally like one line per page and then a picture. This is my kind of book.

Still too much for me.

Oh, is it?

I got my Bible and that's it. It.

Do you read it?

Do I read it?

Well, I don't know. I mean.

Well, I get audio Bible now.

I got to ask you about Godfidence. Godfidence it's just never left me.

Right. It ain't something you can cultivate. It ain't something you're going to find in the cosmopolitan or something you got to be given from heaven.

Do you believe in free will, or you think everything's predestination?

You know, I try to leave that to Pastor Jim, but if I was in the guessing games, I'd say somehow it all works together. He works in mysterious ways. That's what I've always looked at. I pray just in case.

There's a verse that I think traumatized Andy as a child.

Foolish and unlearned question.

Foolish and unlearned. Quite.

Because she'd always ask them questions that nobody could answer.

It was you.

Well, I can't help it that she's decided on trauma, because I. All I was trying to do was put that to rest.

Because the truth is you could go crazy thinking about stuff like that too long, and the Bible says foolish and unlearned questions to avoid in the New Testament.

How's that working for you?

I feel good. Yeah, Well, I don't sit there and spin out into the Ethereum. That stuff would drive me crazy.

You ever tried it?

I did. I tried it once when I was at Panama City. We won't get into all that.

I do believe that you might have been the person that said, according to the phrase save this, you could save the soul, but not the mouth.

Well, Andy, Marie does have a filthy mouth. And I've always said. I don't know where she's put her faith in right now, because she's.

She's always been exploratory kind of person, but wherever her soul is, her mouth ain't been saved with it.

Huh?

Because have you ever heard a girl talk?

Yeah.

She can't get through a sentence, I don't think, without saying a couple cuss words.

I can relate. I think God still loves me, though.

Well, yes, he does. He does. He loves all of you, I reckon. But the rest of us have to listen to you.

Do you know if Andy's.

She's here.

I mean, I'm not done talk. It's been nice talking to you, but.

Okay, we're going to go. I love you, Patrick. I got to go.

Thank you so much for coming. And you be careful down on Broadway. I. I thought that that wasn't for you, but we'll just.

Well, I don't like Broadway. This is for Brayand. She's going to pick up stock and stuffers from that stupid place where people get their bath Moms. I love it, you know. Love you.

Love you. Bye. Hey, Andy. I am so excited to welcome you all to this episode of the Patrick Custer show with my friend Andy Tillman.

This is our second time to get to sit down for an interview and it's been a couple years, not since we've seen each other, but since we've done this. And I am so pumped for you to be here on your premiere for this show.

I'm excited to be here. Welcome for me, baby.

Oh, many, many things. So I'm glad that you're finally here. That it was a bit chaotic with Pam. It always is. And I'm glad she could come.

I like, I think I laughed so hard I need to eat another protein bar because I burnt that one off. But she's something.

Yeah, she's excited about that. Kenny G, you know?

Yeah.

It's like she waits all year for that. He canceled last year and she found out he was coming back to Knoxville again.

And, you know, she's not been talking about anything else for the last couple months.

So I do want to ask you, and I don't know if this is. She might be. I don't think she can hear on the other side of the studio door.

You'd be surprised.

Yeah. I know that you have accelerated in your career since the last time we sat down. Most people get an assistant, you know, a publicist, a manager.

When you told me that you were going to get a full time interpreter last time, I thought that you were joking. All I got was her name, which I think is Belinda and Shawna McCall.

Yeah.

And then a bunch of other things I couldn't understand. I'm still so confused. Can you provide some clarity?

It's really sad because I don't want to let her go, but the agreement we had was that I would speak in tongues and she would interpret in the layman's English. Well, now she's doing the inverse. I'm just talking and she's interpreting in tongues.

Who does that help?

God.

I think about it as, like, maybe she's kind of praying for me as I'm just going about my day so then I don't have to take time and pray at the end of it. Oh, that's kind of nice.

Does it work that way?

I don't know, but I don't like to fire somebody, so I think I'm just going to keep her on. Maybe she can do some Christmas shopping for me.

Does she do good work in Excel or can she do Excel?

She excels at what she does. But I don't know about the document part.

Bless it. I mean, I'm glad you're there.

God bless. Belinda.

Last time we talked. I still can't believe this was a couple years ago.

We were already over a hundred episodes into that podcast, and you said doing a podcast that long was the craziest thing you'd ever heard of. I'm curious what you think about. I kept going and going and going, and now I'm doing this.

Yeah.

Starting a whole new ordeal.

Yeah.

I would. I want to do a sanity check and get your.

But you veered. That's the thing. You veered into your. You've got new branding, you got a new studio, new equipment, and, you know, you didn't.

Okay, Switzerland.

Listen, I'm trying to be impartial. Here's the deal. You can tell Switzerland. Yes, but listen, I think that you got a knack for it, so why wouldn't.

Why wouldn't you keep your head in the game? But I am going to say here, I'm not going to be a Switzerland.

And I am going to pick sides and say that the surroundings here, the ambiance here is superior.

The ambience.

The ambience. The ambien. The Ambien here is also superior.

Listen, ain't no ambient up in her.

I know we're not allowed to say that this is a recovery podcast.

Well. And it doesn't sponsor us, but you know what? They could.

They could.

This is pointless to talk about because I know you haven't seen it, but.

How do you know?

Well, does it suck? Because it's not vintage. It just came out.

You're like, if it's not over 20 years old, this woman has not seen it.

Right?

Yeah.

Streaming now on Peacock.

Yeah.

It is called All Her Fault. It's so good. It's so twisted. It is a miniseries that's like nine episodes and you don't know what. Who. Huh?

Crumb.

Crime.

Crime.

Crime. Oh, yes. A twisty. Who done it? Everybody kind of did something. And then the whole. Where it all leads back to is the. The corruption of, like, a.

Like this wealthy group of siblings and a kidnapping. You were talking about children. That made me think about it because.

Anyway, write it. All your suggestions, send it to me in an Excel. An Excel with the date by.

Once you teach Belinda how to use Excel.

Yes.

She's going to have to use English, though.

And not tons. Not.

Not tongues.

It's the language of heaven, Patrick.

Okay, so I know we just had Thanksgiving, but Halloween wasn't too far behind it, as always. I want to know if you. Did you play Satan again this year? For.

You know, I played it so much before the age of 12 that I think it would be safe to never play Satan again. I mean, I might play Satan, but that's between me and my husband. I'll show you all seven layers of hell. I didn't play Satan this year.

We were very tame. It was very Christian. I played a little rat, the queen of rats. I kept it very. The Wiz. Have you seen the Wiz? 70s, Diana Ross, Michael Jackson.

Who else is in it? Wait, I have the Motown version of wizard of Oz.

Yes. It's so good. I need to rewatch it.

So good. So it's like the. But the. The cowardly line in there is, like. Kind of like ragamuffin, but very theatrical.

So, anyway, I've modeled my rat queen after that. I just said I want to cross between the Wiz and, like, Gutter Slut. So that's what I was for Halloween. But, you know, I did my Satan days.

I left it in the past.

Well, okay. There you go. Your hair looks gorgeous.

I still have it. Thank God.

Yeah. I. So I'm curious. We've talked a lot about the things we struggle with, and, you know, your codependency is one of those. I know that you.

You have a hairdresser. Had. I don't know. But I need to check in with you on this because. Because last time we talked about it, she. She was going through it. Well, no, you.

I'm a little worried, and I need to know she was trying to pull you into her cult.

Did she? Is what you want to know?

I want to ask you right now if you still make your own decisions and express your own agency of choice.

Over my hair period. At all.

Now look at me in the eye, Andy. Blink twice if you need help.

I'll tell you this much, Patrick. I think you can tell by the wiliness of my hair that I'm still kind of making my own decisions, which is, like, almost there, but not all the way.

Almost there, but not all the way. I think I'm exercising choice better than I was. I really do.

That sounds like something someone who's gotten sucked into a cult would say.

Well, I do drink the blood of small children, but that's a whole other thing.

Oh, my gosh. Okay. A wise man from the Bible once said, foolish and unlearned questions are to be avoided. Quoted by Paul the Apostle and quoted back at me.

Why you think I brought it up.

You know, I was very inquisitive kid and I was always told when I asked a question that adults couldn't answer. Foolish and unlearned questions are to be avoided. And to me, you know, that always read as, I don't know, stay stupid.

You know, I think that I have continued to ask foolish questions and it's garnered me a lot of followers and a decent living. So to them I say, Wish I had my nails, my cracked nails, my natural nails.

Back to speaking in tongues. We skipped over this Shawna McCall Club.

Sha Macaw Club.

What happened to it?

Well, I didn't know how to brand it. I didn't know how to brand it, but I still think it's. It is. In the future, the Sha Macaw Club is for everybody that wants to be a part of it.

And, you know, we'll bring the interpreter in to teach everybody. Basically, we'll work in tandem.

Can we get somebody other than Belinda? You're going to have.

I'm going to have to get another person. So we'll have to split the proceeds three ways. That'll be the sucky part.

But the thing about Belinda is, if I'm like, how would you tell God I need a new car this year? She's going to be able to interpret that.

So God doesn't understand English, not according to some scripture.

The Shawna Macaw Club is evolving. I think that is the way to say it. It's evolving as I evolve, as Pam evolves. You know, I can't take full credit for that.

She is the first to say Shawn McCall and she didn't even know what it meant at the time. I'll have to give her.

I'm honestly surprised because every time I see her up at the church, she is not paying attention to a damn thing. Talking to the neighbor, pulling crap out of her purse. She's always, I'm there late, she's there way later than me, shoving people down the pew.

Yeah, I mean, I don't know how she has time to speak a tongue in there, word in edgewise. I mean, I don't judge.

Yeah, and she doesn't either. Except for everybody she meets.

Now, she wouldn't tell me, but I want to know, are Pam and Patsy related?

I don't know. I don't think they are. Except for, you know, kind of everybody's a little bit related in my county. Like could be six cousins kind of thing.

So I see a strong resemblance between the two of them. But as far back as great, great grandparents go, we have no Relation.

Patsy's kin to the Strunks and them, which I always thought that was the other side of the county, but we love.

Tell me about the Strongs.

You know, they're good people, but you just can't trust them with anything.

Why?

It's just what I always heard all my life. You can't trust them Strunks, I mean, with what daddy always said, with a.

Last name like Strunk.

Right?

I've been asking people this because we're getting old. Gen Alpha, Gen Z. I feel like. I don't know if it's the social media of it all, but I feel like their culture here is so nuanced and secretive.

Well, I want to know what's the latest, greatest when I ask, like when I talk to people. Yeah. What have you heard that you like the new term or is there anything you're looking at me like, Patrick, I don't have a damn.

Well, no, listen, I realize that all of that culture's pop culture stuff is. It's like all an inside joke, right? It's like you have to be in with the first reference.

So the thing that I've heard most recently that made me want to pull each one of my eyelashes out individually was my nephew, my great nephew at Thanksgiving just kept going, six, seven, six, seven. And all the kids are doing that. And I'm so angered by it that I don't even want to know the reference. Do you know what I'm saying?

Because it's that obnoxious. Like at first, when all this stuff started happening, like skibidi toilet and all that kind of stuff, I got inquisitive.

I thought, I want to at least be hip to what they're talking about. Then I can make judgments. But even just. But the six steps, seven, it's devolved so much for me that I don't even want to know the origin.

I don't want my mind polluted by any of this nonsense.

That's the thing with 67 is that I'm like the. Every reference says the whole thing about it is that it doesn't actually mean anything, but had to have meant something.

The people who started it didn't start it and say, let's make this popular, right? And not mean anything. Percent I think it got popular and the people who passed it on didn't know because they weren't cool enough.

Right?

And the originators just never.

We don't know at which point it popped off. But I just know that everyone is subject to having to hear it now.

Because once it gets into a 7 year old, 10 year old, 13 year old's mouth, that's all you're going to hear in the background. You're trying to have a profound conversation with your mother about what she wants. And I'm hearing six, seven.

You're trying to talk to your brother about. About your parents. Will six, seven never ends.

Keep it up. That's how many dollars you're gonna get for Christmas.

Yeah.

No, from the wheel.

Oh, yeah. Skibidi. Do Skibidi Toilet. Now that one I think is not in vogue anymore. I don't hear the kids saying that. I think that was so last year.

It refers to an actual YouTube series web series that is viral. That is a head in a toilet. It is. It's got more views than Oprah and every famous comedian.

So the head in the toilet does stuff. It talks and does skits and blows.

Things up and like in a Minecraft looking world.

Yeah.

So, you know, again, I don't want to be a hater. I love John Waters and I know that that is trash and filth to. To my family, but it's good trash.

I gotta take notes. I feel like I don't know anything when I'm around you.

Okay. I do that on purpose. I'm just kidding.

I knew. I always knew it. I always knew.

You always knew.

I'm name dropping when I'm around Andy Marie Tillman. I swear to God, she uses all the words I don't know and references things that are seemingly elevated above my intellect.

Well, no, all I do is I make a list of all the things that I think are just like so abstruse.

Did you just make that word up? No, that's real.

Yeah.

I die.

Yeah. And then I. And I. I memorize them and I have to say I'm gonna.

I'm gonna make sure I incorporate all of this into this show with Patrick so he just feels bad about himself.

You can't say that with a straight face. It's killing. It's making your skin peel off. It's making you so uncomfortable.

We're both too sweet.

We are. We're just so damn sweet.

We're too sweet.

What are you. Wait, that's rude. I'm not.

I say my husband has aged me and I've brought.

I'M glad you clarified.

Yeah, I know, 100%. But here's the thing, Patrick. You have to realize, I was raised. My parents had me when they were in their 40s. My brother is 24 years older than me.

Same. Well, not that much, but.

But you got a big age gap.

A big gauge gap, Big age gap.

That all goes into making me seem, I think, a lot.

How old were they?

Early 40s.

Same. Mine were 43 and 44.

Your mom was a little bit older. Was she 43 and she had you for. See, I wish you would tell my husband that, because he says it's just too late for me. I said.

I want to hear a thing I said there.

Well, dudes can.

I know. His worry is not that. His worry is that he won't be able to bend down and pick the child up for very long. I'm like, grow up.

I don't want to hear this. Sit over there and be wise then. Like, you know. But he can't sit down. He moves around more than me. I have these autoimmune issues.

So I am like a sickly Victorian woman, you know, just like, calling from the bed like, I've got rickets. And apparently my husband says that four days out of the week, you can walk in on me, and it's like Tennessee tornado.

I'm trying to get everything done at the same time, blasting through things, and I'm on the up and up. I'm on a high. But two to three days out of the week, you come in there, and it looks like I have been drained of every drop of energy that I have.

That literally, Dracula has just latched onto my neck and sucked every bit of the life force out of me, and I can't even be bothered to look up. I'm just like, honey, I did. Can you close the blinds? The sun, it hurts. It hurts my eyes, my skin.

But really, you do have that beautiful porcelain skin.

I do have that porcelain skin.

Can be having the sun shining in there, too, right? You haven't gotten up out of the bed to put the sunscreen on yet. But you can't get sunburn in bed.

This is why they used to have people carry women from the bed into the bathing area.

Stop.

I need a bonnet.

Why don't you get Belinda to do it?

Belinda?

She has big shoulders.

She really does. Well, with a name like Belinda.

I know.

You know, unless it was Olga or Helga, there couldn't be any more.

I know.

Demonstrative name, right? Yeah. You know, have you ever heard her speak Anything. But. Yeah.

When she came in for her interview, I'm starting to think that maybe she's trying to pull the wool over my eyes. And it was English through the entire interview. But then she did like a demonstration of tongue so that I knew she knew what she was talking about.

I'm thinking that this is on me now, but again, I can't fire her. I have to. I'll have to hire someone to fire her is basically it.

I think she chat GPT. Her. Her tongue translation.

Does chat GPT also have the language of heaven inside of it?

I think that there can only be one judge of that.

True. They're thinking about starting a church. A Chad GPT. Church.

I think a church GPT.

A church GPT.

Not to get too personal in your medications, but I know we referenced. That we talked about were both in recovery from addiction.

Yeah.

Struggle with anxiety. And you had said before the beta blockers of it all, which indicated to me that they might play a role in helping keep you calm.

So for those of you who don't know, beta blockers, they both work as a blood pressure medicine and then medicine and adrenaline blocker. Yep. I was shocked.

Yeah.

To find out that the next generation is about to pop up right after Christmas.

A Betas.

Now what are you gonna do? Are you gonna keep taking bad blockers?

Well, I could. Let's. I know you want me to be funny here, but here's the truth. I can't be funny about that because I couldn't even really take them.

I tried to do that. And let me tell you something. My heart condition. See how much of a 90 year old I sound like right now.

I couldn't even take beta blockers because my heart condition, they dropped my blood pressure too much and it almost sent me, like falling back.

So this is actually a good thing.

Yeah.

You're not going to come off of them or something? Well, yeah. You'll be able to participate in society still, Right?

Well, when you said next generation, I thought you meant like the next generation are popping them like crazy. But people are like talking about beta blockers like it's just like a street.

They do. And you know what? I blame Chloe, my friend.

Yeah.

Cloquet.

Who made a joke about it.

No, she just talked about how literally get a Kardashian to talk about doing something.

And Chloe K. Okay. Gotcha, gotcha.

And one episode she talked about how I think it was gabapentin, propanella or gabapentin. They're great medications and they help, you know, if you can take it. It's wonderful things if you need them.

Yeah, but it's like it, like it's crazy how they've become such a thing. I mean, listen, I would much rather beta blockers be a. Be a wave of then a bunch of alcohol or narcotic because it's not a narcotic.

I don't have a heart condition, but I have naturally low blood pressure.

Baby.

And I'm sure you' experience this. There's a lot of stuff nobody thinks to tell you if you don't know and you have blood pressure. Yes, like us.

Don't take Reishi because it will lower it to. I mean, to the point, like. Yeah, but no, no, you cannot. Anytime someone has a public platform, especially when it's niched.

Ed, yours is heavily funny. I don't know if it was difficult for you to open up about.

About this or not, but I remember seeing your post telling people that you had been struggling and I don't know, my heart ached and it just felt like the emotion that you were conveying in that video just tugged at my heartstrings because I know you and I love you, you know? Last, if you have not seen our first sit down, go to search my name and Andy Marie Tillman online. You'll find our episode.

It's really fun and really funny and full of good stuff. And you will hear about Andy's recovery story as well.

But we touch on, you know, the dark times, your walk through depression, addiction, dealing with anxiety. I think it's really important that we have these conversations about real life after getting sober, not just the how great it is.

I think I told people about that maybe as like a catharsis. And even now I'm thinking I'm second guessing that moment. I have been dealing with health stuff for probably two years now.

Like the most acute storm of it all, to the point where I was having migraines every day for three months and it was just scary.

And I think I said those things in that video because it felt cathartic and I wanted to somehow say to people, I'm dealing with a lot right now and I thought my year was going to look a lot different, but I still kind of have hope that things are going to get better. I don't know if I feel like that was a good decision or not, because then all people want to do is offer you comfort. That's what I would want to do.

If it was somebody that I liked. I'd be like, you're gonna get through this, and, you know, everything's gonna be okay. And then I feel like, did I just.

Am I just trying to, like, extort these, like, compliments from people or something? And I don't ever want to do that. I think I. I wanted to have, like, this declarative statement of, like, watch. I'm.

I'm gonna turn this into a positive one day.

Yeah.

So I hope that the second part is true. I hope that I do turn this into a positive, because I am starting to feel a little bit more like myself every day.

But, you know, I realized by doing that, I was like, maybe I am more of a private person than I think, because I don't know. I. I thought, these people don't know me, you know, why am I telling them my business?

Do you get into the. The comment because you have the blessing of lots of engagement, not just views, and so do you get in there and read them? Well, yeah.

I mean, there's no way you can respond to it all because you have so, so many.

And I feel bad that I don't even read them all.

You couldn't.

Yeah.

You could never. I mean, even if Belinda would speak English and read them to you.

Yeah. You can't. I love that. You can't just clip that because out of context, it sounds awful. If Belinda would just speak English.

Okay. If you're just tuning in. If Belinda. Andy's tongues interpreter. Who's supposed to interpret tongues to English.

Yeah.

Who refuses to do that. And only speaks in tongues.

And only speaks in tongues.

Okay. So if she would actually speak English.

Then she could read comments.

We're not talking about a foreigner.

Right. But she's foreign to this earth, I think. Sometimes I think she is an extraterrestrial. But anyway, even if I put Belinda to that task, it would.

It would just be so daunting. So I do feel it's going to be a while.

She's got to learn Excel first. I need her.

And then there was a second part to that, which was recovery. And I would say, yeah, you do kind of think that that is going to be.

But magic bullet is when you get sober, you're like, well, that was all that was holding me back.

And you're like, you kind of realize that no, it was part of what's holding you back, and it's really what's holding you back from experiencing what's going on. What's actually going on. The good and the bad. I could have drank through all of that, made my health a lot worse.

Let's just say that, but wouldn't have been super present for any of it, you know, and to me, that's the thing with recovery is that I continue to show up in my life, in my journey, recovery from alcohol addiction. I am forced to deal with other addictive behaviors. Whether that's distraction, people pleasing too.

You know, what's that like?

Yeah, you wouldn't know. You wouldn't know.

What did you think your year was going to look like?

Well, I definitely thought that, you know, I would have like premiered my one woman show by now and probably thought that I would already have had a tour lined up. I did not feel well enough to do that. I did.

I just literally didn't feel well enough to have dates on the book where I would have to drive or fly to another city and perform in front of people. And I also, like, had written shows and I thought I was going to have those shows completely pitched.

And whether that turned out or not, I didn't know. But I had. I thought all that the pitch work would have been done by now. I think by now.

I just thought I'd be far enough long in family planning because I. I mean, I want to have a kid. It's not been at the forefront of my mind like it would be. It should be.

That doesn't mean a lot, but like, for somebody with my age, with fertility and all that kind of stuff. But that couldn't even be at the forefront of my mind because I thought, how in the world can I. I can barely take care of my own health.

It's hard to imagine shouldering another being inside of me. So I just thought this year would look a lot different. I really did. But it wasn't a bad year.

There were all these other random things that popped up and like these amazing auditions that had come through and trips that we got to take.

And, you know, I think I did get disappointed by this year, but it's not in my nature, I think, to have true regrets because I don't see life that way. I don't see life as a book, really. In my thought life, there's a million ways it could go.

But at the end of the day, what happens is the only thing that could have possibly happened given everything that led up to it. I couldn't have done all that stuff that I wanted to do because I had no idea what was happening inside my body.

And at the end of the day, who's to say that all of this is not a story at some point, you know, that I get to like, tell people, oh, I auditioned for SNL while I was having a major episode of Vertigo and the whole room was spinning, but I still nailed it, you know, I mean, like, that's funny. It can be. It's not funny if you just say it like that. But, like, that could be a funny one day.

Yeah.

So I'm just saying all these things are what makes us.

I mean, you stop drinking and still. And. And just to get the spins involuntarily, honey.

And that's the thing, is the drinking spins had nothing on these spins. It was just. It was bad. We can plan all day. We have no idea what our life is going to actually look like. And. And I think that I choose to be grateful.

And I like, I love that. I think that is. I'm right there with you on that same page. A big lesson that I've had to walk through because of my own codependency.

People policing and the world of mental health is split on whether or not this term is appropriate, but toxic positivity. Right, Right. So many people.

I mean, like, you're already eons ahead of so many people that would sit in just, you know, victimhood and whatever of the what ifs that. Right. Because you've been able to grasp the gratitude.

And I think a lot of that has to do with, you know, walking through recovery and the things that that teaches us while you accept what it is and that you have no control. Like that illusion of control is just.

Yeah.

Have you been able to grieve what you thought or what you, like, what didn't happen, even though it might happen in the future? And you have. I mean, like, you're still going to be funny next year, Right.

Maybe not this specifically, but all through my life I've done that because that's. If you're a dreamer, you do have an idea of what you think will happen. You have a scheme.

So expectations necessarily come with sadness when those aren't met. So, yes, I've grieved. I've grieved all along my life, things that didn't happen.

But thankfully, I've lived long enough to have some perspective to say this didn't happen, but this did. So I have. I've been able to zoom out. You can't zoom out very far when you're 22.

That's right.

You know what I'm saying?

So your first few heartbreaks, whether that's your significant other or your first missed audition or your first missed job or whatever that is, they're crushing because you don't have it. Look at how it can turn out on the other side. Look at what can happen. Because this didn't happen. I say I'll never stop grieving. There are people.

As long as I love, I'll never stop grieving. Right. Because there will always be loss. But the hope within me is so much greater than that.

Oh, absolutely. And I think that's where it has to be. The reason why I ask about that is because I think that if we don't.

If we bypass the process of grief and just say, oh, but there's gratitude and there's. I, you know, I don't live in that space. It's gonna catch up with you, Hoodie.

Let me tell you, Patrick, love to.

I need you to co sign and validate the fact that there is a malevolent spirit pulling you occupying this microphone stand.

I know, and that's so funny.

No, it's scary.

Let me say this, Patrick. There's no shortage of bitching in my home. So if you want.

I mean, I was going to say Brandon, he tends to be a real pissy, pissy little.

I want to. Yes, and that. But it's so untrue.

I know.

He's toxically positive. He can be. Take. A worm could take advantage of that, man.

He's so calm.

He's like very constant.

If Velvet were a person, I'm gonna.

Tell him he's velvet. He's velvet.

Look, he's soft. And you can.

Although it would have to be this kind of velvet because, like, a red velvet is too gaudy. Yes, a little too gaudy. A little too.

It's not showy, but it's tasteful.

It's tasteful, it's tasteful.

You don't know what century it's from or, well, a decade.

To me, he would be like. Like a table, an oak table. Inviting but sturdy, firm, utilitarian, but sometimes beautiful.

I love that. I hope he watches or listens to it.

He does, too.

By the way, if you're listening, you're. You're gonna have to consume this episode twice because this is an episode you really need to watch. But I don't want to deter you.

So keep listening to the podcast. Just come back and watch it on YouTube because I don't know how to say it. This your first exposure to Andy Marie. Like, you just don't know yet.

But, like, you can't just hear it. I mean, well, I've got my tits out, for one, and, you know, so we won't be able to monetize this episode, but that's okay. And free the.

Free the areolas.

You talked about wanting to be private. Not private enough. Remember, we were growing up. If you got any level of fame, it was all about being the box that you couldn't see inside.

Right now, it's any platform, it has to be a glass box. And I'm all for vulnerability. I'm also for boundaries. For exactly what you need to have and identify, you know what they are.

Yeah.

Your audience feels like they're your family, like they are. They know each of your characters. The level of community that this ha is just so right. I love it.

People love to laugh, and you've given that to so many. You brought joy to so many people. How do you see yourself navigating that as you grow through this?

I want people to feel a connection to those characters because those. They do know those characters. Those are their family members.

Those characters are very real to me, you know, so the fact that that comes across makes me really happy. I don't know about the connection to me because it's not inauthentic what I put on there, but it's. It's not me.

Like, if you're my buddy, it's a fast, consumable version of me. Right. And that's what. But that's what's entertaining. I mean, I don't want to just sit there on.

That's why I don't do lives and just sit there and eat potatoes or whatever, you know, and that's fine for whoever does. I get on there and I'm trying to be entertaining. If it is fostering a sense of connection for other people, then I feel like I've done my job.

And that's why I feel good about it being a business. It's like it. It is transactional.

It's like there's a monetary thing that I'm getting and I'm trying to give you joy, laughter, nostalgia, all that kind of stuff. I love when people approach me because I love talking to them about what they connected to and getting the feedback and stuff like that.

I do find myself doing the people pleasing there because I'm so worried that they feel like they got what they needed from me. And maybe that's not necessary. I don't want them to leave feeling that they weren't important.

Yeah.

Does that make sense?

Yes. So absolutely.

Sometimes that can be hard to navigate because it's like, no, you can just be. You were just eating at a taco stand, you know, so you can just be and it's okay.

But that's always been me, whether it was me and you running into each other and me worrying that you might not have felt like I saw you enough or something. So that's kind of part of my makeup. So, you know, sometimes I just. I just have to stay in and.

Take to the bed.

And take to the bed. Like she says. Like, oh, Leon Morgan says. But, yeah, sometimes I have to lean to that. Victorian era.

I love it. Can. Do you take requests?

Yeah. What is it?

Can you make a character out of Victorian needy, like, sickly woman? Yeah.

Yeah. I'm trying to think of, like, what she would be. She would be in that other universe. Because I have some characters that are not Appalachian.

Like, I've got a vampire character, got a drama teacher that I used to do a lot more so she could be in that world, and I wonder if I could do it. Like.

But what if she was the Victorian woman that somehow ended up. She was not supposed to be here, and she ended up in Appalachia. And she's like, I.

But then she just fits.

She's. No, she's so needy, and she's like, these people are not like, yeah, so beneath me.

And because they're not carrying her to the bag.

No.

They're like, get in there and wash your own twirl.

I really need to see you get carried to the bathroom in a full face of white. Just Victoria with blush and ringlets hanging, like, where your hair looks like it's completely been taken down.

Yeah.

From. And no one ever gets to see you that way.

I'm gonna have to workshop this one because that I'm trying to figure out how I carry my own self to the bathtub. There's some way, through the magic of editing.

Brandon, do it.

Make Brandon do it.

I'll come over. I'll come. Brandon will carry you. Carry your ass up.

And get him to put a wig on. Get you to put a wig on.

This has been so good. I just love every time we talk. I hope it's been meaningful to. I know it has. Why am I saying I hope I know it has?

I'm so glad that everyone has tuned into this episode, and I love the community that we have on this show. Andy's community is hopefully crossing over and tuning into this as well.

My whole platform of what I do is to use stories and storytelling to connect people to hope and a perspective that makes their life better. When I think about you, you're one of the. You're one of the number one people that I think of. Like a connector to joy, a connector to authenticity.

Just like. You don't like compliments, do you?

I. I love compliments secretly in my heart of hearts, but probably don't know how to react to them in real time.

Yeah.

I'm like, should I take it? Should I?

You should practice receiving them in front of the mirror.

Compliment myself or just. I get a. I get a tape and I play it and then I'm.

Like, I'm going to send you voice notes of me giving you, like a random compliments. And you have to play them. No, you have to look at yourself while you're playing.

I was going to say I could, like, play them at night.

So it's. I mean, if you have a bed mirror, you can hold it up. Right.

Well, when I am doing my sickness.

Sickness, I'll send you voice memos. You're going to listen to them, even though that's not Victorian, because you didn't have to. We're making this bit real complicated.

I know. It really is.

Bam. I'll send you records that you play through one of those. The horn.

What are those called? Grammar phones or something like that.

See, there you go again. Using vocab V A vogue vocabulary.

You can you just vogue it out.

Do you know I have matching pants to this jacket and they didn't fit me and I almost cried and then.

I was like, then it happened, though, at the most inopportune times.

It's what I get for buying pants that don't stretch. 90% of my pants stretch.

Yeah, you got to.

When you got thick thighs.

When you get them thighs and booty. Yeah. And that's what I keep telling myself. I'm like, this is so luscious. But, you know, it's killing me.

It's killing my vintage shopping because I can't go vintage shopping for jeans.

Like, they didn't make stretch the only thing that stretched back then. Or was the waistband in it. This has been such a lovely episode. I am so grateful for you. I love you, Andy Marie Tillman.

I'm looking forward to cheering all of your new ventures on and supporting you, taking care of yourself however you need to. Doing the videos when you can. You have energy when you have it.

Yeah.

You don't when you don't. When you're spending time doing something, it's always at the cost of another thing.

When you work for yourself, there is this idea that if you're not going into the office or like with me, my office is in the home. It's like, why couldn't you fit this in? I've had people text me and say, I know your schedule is very flexible, so.

And I want to be like, do you know that? Would you like for me to show you my calendar and see how flexible you think that is?

When you look at everything that, that I do, that includes like long form, short form, auditions that come in every week too. I edit everything, I shoot everything, I do everything. And people think that you can just take off whenever and you just have to say, I really can't.

I've got something until 5 now that could be that I'm editing a video, but if I move that down and down and down, then it's been two weeks and then I didn't get paid, you know, but people don't really understand that, I don't think.

And that's one of the things that I wanted you to speak to, because I could say it, but it's better to come from conversation. It's something I'm going through as well in that learning, who do we owe an explanation to?

Actually, nobody.

And if it's not good enough to say I'm not available during that time.

Yeah.

Maybe we need to be asking ourselves a little bit more about the connection there, the value of the relationship and the respect that exists true to our fellow people, pleasers, codependents, people in general. This has got to be ringing some truth to y'.

All. Oh, yeah.

I mean, this is like full grown adulting that we're talking about here. Thank you so much for watching. Join us back here next week week for the Patrick Custer Show.

And with that, I'll remind each and every one of you that it's never too late to start loving yourself. And you're only one decision away from a completely different life.