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Starting Counselling - Genis' Story
Episode 2416th April 2024 • Beyond the Smile • Marylayo
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Starting Counselling: Genis' Story

In this episode MaryLayo and guest, Genis Fernandes, discuss seeking help, finding a counsellor and highlight some of the frustrations and benefits they experienced on their journey.

Concluding with a touch of spiritual wellness, MaryLayo offers a reflective tip from Philippians 4:13, inviting listeners to join her next time for more insights on mental health and spiritual wellbeing. Remember to follow and share if you enjoyed the conversation about finding a counsellor.

Take a moment to delve into what may be 'beyond the smile' - listen in to the conversation. For help in dealing with mental health related matters, please seek specialist advice and support if needed.

Questions include:

  • Why did you consider counselling?
  • How did you go about choosing your counsellor?
  • What do you remember when you first had counselling?
  • How long have you been having therapy?
  • What frustrations have you experienced or heard about counselling?
  • What tips would you give someone who is in two minds about having counselling?

Guest details:

Genis Fernandes works as a Research Programme Lead and also serves as a volunteer for a mental health charity.

Marylayo's spiritual wellbeing tip: Meditate on the bible scripture Philippians 4:13.

External resources:

Body and Soul Charity

The Caravan

Listening Place

Samaritans

For help in dealing with mental health related matters, please seek specialist advice and support if needed.

#BeyondTheSmile #StartingCounselling #MaryLayoTalks #MentalHealth #GettingHelp #HavingTherapy

Transcripts

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MaryLayo: Welcome to beyond the smile with me,

MaryLayo, a podcast that discusses mental

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health and spiritual wellbeing.

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If you like what you hear, please do remember

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to follow and share.

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But before we jump in, there may be episodes

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that are particularly sensitive for some

listeners.

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And if that applies, then I hope you will join

me whenever you feel ready and able.

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In today's to episode, we're discussing

counselling, and I'm talking to guest Genis

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Fernandez about her journey in seeking help

and making that personal investment.

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Genis shares about the different things she

considered along the way.

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But to start off with, I asked Genis when and

why did she consider counselling.

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Let's join in the conversation first.

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Consider having counselling.

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And why did you consider counselling?

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Genis: So, going back to two years, I had

quite a few things going on in life in

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general.

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There was particular events like changing

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jobs, having new friendships, relationships

that felt a bit overwhelming because I moved

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here around four years ago.

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So my social system.

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MaryLayo: So you moved from another country to

the UK?

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Yeah.

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Genis: So I moved from India around four years

ago and my social support system, my close

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friends, of course, weren't around and

although I have family, they were not very

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close by as well.

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So I think a lot of changes did happen at that

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time for me.

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And I had a lot of, I don't want to say novel

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feelings, but that were unfamiliar to me.

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Like, I started feeling a bit too anxious, a

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bit too overwhelmed, a lot of rumination, a

lot of thoughts that were going really way out

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of control.

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And I felt like, okay, this is getting a bit

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too much for me to handle, and I probably need

some external support or another perspective

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to kind of navigate through what's going on.

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So although the thought of even considering

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counselling came about two years ago, I

actually, from the thought to actually going

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into my first therapy session was, I think, an

eight month gap.

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So it was quite a long time that I had.

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I thought about it, kind of found someone and

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actually went into my first session.

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So quite a few factors.

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Yeah, sure.

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MaryLayo: I would kind of say that my

experience is a little bit similar to yours,

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but I think mine probably built up.

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So I think that because there was a lot of

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change or a lot of different things that was

going on at the time, they probably

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accumulated and became more intense than I

realised.

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That's what I think.

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So I started noticing things that would, I

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would say was uncharacteristic of myself.

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Genis: Exactly.

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MaryLayo: And I realised, and one of the

things that I felt was that my resilience had

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been stripped.

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Genis: Oh, yes.

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MaryLayo: So, yeah, so things that I felt that

I would normally and quite easily cope with.

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I wasn't coping and managing it the way I

would normally do.

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I was sending myself messages about how I felt

within.

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And one time when I was explaining this to

someone, I got really emotional because I

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connected it with like, I would say like a

life changing event.

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And while I was explaining it how since then I

felt different in terms of my resilience.

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I then realised, you know, what I was advised

actually at the time with the people I was

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sharing it with that I needed.

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I really need to get some help with this.

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And I'm quite surprised actually because given

the fact that I'm this mental health advocate,

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I'm surprised that it's taken me this long to

actually, you know, go for therapy.

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And in terms of time scales we're talking

about summer last year.

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Okay.

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That's when I. Yeah, that's when I first

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considered having counselling.

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And I don't know why I didn't think about it

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sooner because I think it's something I would

have benefited from a lot earlier.

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Genis: Yeah.

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MaryLayo: So Genis, you mentioned about how

there was a lot of different things so you

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couldn't attribute it to being one, I guess,

event or issue.

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So how did you actually go about even choosing

your counsellor?

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Genis: Yeah. So for me personally, I needed

someone who had some experience with

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multicultural counselling.

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Because like I mentioned, since I moved here,

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I did understand that I needed someone who

understood my background, my value system, my

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thinking, for example, why I attribute a lot

of things to my parents or why I would need a

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lot of.

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I would not need to explain someone, give them

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a lot of context as to why I do things the way

I do.

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So I wanted someone from back home.

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So I was looking at basically counsellors who

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did sessions worldwide or like did tele

psychology quality telecounseling.

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So looking at the second most important thing

that I was looking for is their expertise.

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So are they specialised in certain things?

Like for me it was like trying to figure out

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where these, where the anxiety is coming from.

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So kind of looking at specialisations within a

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particular area as well.

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And also like their academic background

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because I myself have an academic background

in psychology.

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So I kind of understood like therapists and

their training.

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So I just wanted someone who kind of got that

expertise or who would be competent enough to

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just help me with the whole process, really.

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So I even reached out to friends, I knew a

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few, couple of close friends who were in

therapy as well.

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So just checking recommendations from them,

talking to them.

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How did they have kind of the process they

went through as well really helped.

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And even asking referrals from friends, like,

is there anybody would suggest, but of course

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you want to make sure it's not someone they

know personally just because of conflict of

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interest, of course.

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But you could also, there are websites that

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have like a directory of therapists as well.

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Like in the UK, if you want to go down the NHS

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GP route, you could always reach out to your

GP and get a referral to the NHS.

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There's charities like Samaritans and mind

that could always signpost you to therapists

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as well.

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But personally, for me, was doing my own

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research and reaching out to friends and

getting in touch with them, having

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conversations, like, sometimes I even felt

like you're going to call a few, you're going

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to reach out to a few and sometimes it might

not be something that you're looking for,

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which is fine, and they might be busy or we

are overbooked, but that's okay, you can just

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keep looking and someone always wrecks.

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MaryLayo: So, yeah, when I went for

counselling and how I actually found the

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therapist was through my workplaces employee

assistance programme.

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But like, what you said about, you know, just

like your values and for example, the cultural

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differences and how for you it was important

to find someone who.

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It wasn't going to be hard work for them to

understand where you were coming from.

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That's something actually, that I think a lot

of people actually have at the back of their

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minds.

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And I say that because even when I was looking

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for a therapist, I remember asking a few

questions, you know, or even me thinking, oh,

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it'll be ideal if this therapist could or have

this like a background, just in terms of,

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like, values.

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When I say values, as in christian values,

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because those are the very strong values that

I have.

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And, like, you reminded me about a

conversation that I had with a friend who's,

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who's a Muslim.

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And one of the things that she said when she

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was looking for a counsellor or when she was

having counselling was just the importance of

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someone who actually understood her religion,

her faith, as well as her culture.

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So I think that has a part of a strong part to

play for some people, just the sense that they

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want someone who can understand where they're

coming from.

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They don't have to try and explain, so that

someone understands why they think the way

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they do, why they behave the way they do, why

they make certain decisions.

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Because your background, your perhaps your

faith, your values, they all shape why you do

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things, why you say things or what decisions

you make and having someone that you're going

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to talk to that can understand that and not

judge you or not try and think, or not try and

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work out the why, you know, beforehand does

help, or could help, I think.

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But I mean, saying that I had a counsellor who

didn't have, you know, I don't know, actually

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their background, but I found it still

worthwhile.

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So I do need to add that in, actually.

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Genis: Yeah.

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MaryLayo: So what can, what can someone who

hasn't actually had counselling, they haven't

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gone to a therapist, what can they expect if

they were actually going to go down that path?

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So do you, like, do you remember when you

first, you know, you had your first session

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with your therapist and.

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Yeah.

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What did you, did you have any expectations?

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Genis: It takes me back to quite a few

feelings and emotions, really, because I

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remember for my therapy session, I felt very

anxious and very nervous about the session

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itself because I was like, this is somebody

who doesn't know me at all.

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And getting very vulnerable in front of them

and talking about things that are very

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personal to you can be very overwhelming and

you need to have some level of, or you build

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that trust with your therapist and you build

that comfort level with them.

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So even the first one feels very daunting.

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And that's very normal because this is someone

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very new to you.

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So it's okay if you feel overwhelmed, you feel

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nervous, you feel anxious, that's completely

fine.

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But you go into the session just taking them

one basic thing as to what got you there.

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That's one question that I just thought about.

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Okay, why am I here?

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You know, what am I trying to get out of this?

So, I think something that you gotta expect is

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answering that question.

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They're gonna ask you that no matter what you

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kind of want to bring to the table or not.

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But I think it's also important to remember

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that you are in control of the session.

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You, it's all for you, and you've made this

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decision.

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So it's all going to be whatever you want that

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session to be.

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You could be there in silence and tell them

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one word or one sentence and let them brief

you on what the expectations are or what you'd

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like to talk about, or when you want sessions

to be arranged.

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It could be partly admin related, but could

also be talking about things that are really

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on your mind.

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You could even use your first session to kind

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of even talk about, of course, what got you

there.

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But if there's anything you're comfortable

sharing beyond that, I think they're always

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happy.

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Happy to hear and happy to help you.

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But no, I think other than that, the first

session for me was just being open and honest

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with the therapist because that just, I felt,

really helped me to get the most out of the

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session.

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So I did take some time to prepare for it.

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I did.

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Did a lot of reflection.

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A day before, a week before, definitely.

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I think because I was like, for your first

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session?

Yeah, I think I'm impressed.

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MaryLayo: That's really good.

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Genis: I just felt like I was mentally

prepared because I said, like, it was eight

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months till that.

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I got myself at the first session started a

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lot of thinking in between, a lot of questions

that I wanted myself to get in to make peace

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with before I went to that session.

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And I think one thing that really stays with

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me after my first session was what my

therapist told me just after we ended the

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first session.

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She was like, most courageous thing you've

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already done is getting yourself to the first

session.

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That's the big step.

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So beyond that is just you showing up for

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yourself and doing the work that you want to

do.

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So in a nutshell, that's kind of what the

first session is going to feel like.

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But it depends on person to person.

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For someone, it could be completely different.

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Like you're all ready to talk about everything

and address some things or not on the complete

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opposite spectrum, which is fine, you know,

we're all different.

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We're all going to have a different experience

and that's okay.

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MaryLayo: So, Genis, like you've been seeing

your therapist for how long now?

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Genis: It's been.

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It's been a year now.

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MaryLayo: A year.

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And how often do you see your therapist?

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Given that I know she's not in the UK.

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It's a she, isn't it?

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I'm right in assuming that, yeah.

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Genis: So initially it was every three weeks,

but now I do it every four weeks.

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Like around once a month.

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MaryLayo: Okay. Okay. And obviously this is

remotely.

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Genis: Yes, remotely.

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We use, of course, we use video conferencing

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platforms like Skype.

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So I think that's the best part about tele

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psychology now.

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It gives you so much access to anyone across

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the globe and it's at your pace, at your time.

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So of course, time schedules are something

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that we need to consider.

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But that's one of the cons.

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But it outweighs them.

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MaryLayo: So you've mentioned about how you've

been meeting with your therapist.

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Let's just say once a month, averaging once a

month.

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And that's very convenient given that it's on

a video conferencing platform, you don't have

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to leave your doorstep, you don't have to

travel through it.

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So those are some of the perks in terms of the

way that you've been doing your counselling,

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having your counselling sessions.

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So what have, or what are, if you have any or

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if you're comfortable sharing, what are some

of the frustrations or even challenges that

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you've experienced or you may have heard

about?

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Genis: Yeah, of course.

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I think the number one that I've heard about

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with close friends and family is finding a

therapist because although you know you want

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one, finding one can be very difficult because

of course you don't want, you want someone who

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kind of fits your personal needs, someone that

kind of fits around your schedule as well.

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And of course your price range if that's

something you're concerned about.

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Also, you need to find someone that you're

comfortable with, I think, and you trust

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because that's another very important part of

therapy, because you're being very raw, bare,

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vulnerable in front of this person.

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And to make the most out of your sessions, you

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have to be able to trust them to get into

these conversations and have very discuss

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sensitive topics and you have to be

uncomfortable with them and be as open and

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honest as possible.

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So I think those are the two things that I've

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seen that are pretty common that people

experience trying to find therapist and find

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someone who you can be very comfortable and

trustworthy with.

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I think another thing that I would say that I

found is, in terms of therapy itself, is

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overestimating the time of impact that they're

going to see.

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I think sometimes you assume that, okay, two

sessions, three sessions are going to do the

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job, okay, I've done the work.

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I'm all okay now.

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I kind of, I can manage myself, I'm all good.

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But I think that's kind of an assumption.

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Sometimes it might work.

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Sometimes like, you know, you're good, you're

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consistent with the work that you need to do

and you see the changes, but sometimes it does

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not because life happens and you fall back

into old habits and you fall back into old

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patterns, but then you have to remind yourself

and keep doing the work to see long term

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impact.

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So the impact is another thing that you might

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have an assumption about or an estimation

about, which might not work, which might be a

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bit frustrating because you're putting your

time and energy into it and you might think,

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oh, but why is this not working?

Why is this taking so long?

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Which is fine, it's okay to have those

feelings and those thoughts because you don't

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want to see change.

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And if it's taking time and it is frustrating,

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that's fine, but you just need to be a bit

patient, a lot of patience with yourself.

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And I think another one that I've personally

experienced in therapy is talking about

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sensitive subjects.

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Like I said, you need to build that trust with

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your therapist.

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So getting things to the table might seem a

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bit, oh, can I talk about this?

Is this something I can talk to my therapist

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about?

Will they be comfortable talking about this?

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So I think that's something that I personally

struggled with.

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But then I realised over time, the more that I

keep things inside, that's where the problem

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lies.

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And the things that you don't talk about

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actually are the things that will set you free

or kind of give you that inner peace you're

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really longing for.

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So, although I've had these misconceptions

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about bringing things to the table, actually

telling or being honest with my therapist,

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saying, you know what, I don't know if I can

say this, but I'm just going to say this now

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and this is it.

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So I don't know what to do about this.

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So just navigating through building that trust

in the relationship with your therapist is

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another thing I've personally struggled with.

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But, of course, every experience is personal

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to everyone.

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But I think these are the couple of things

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that have come up for me and others.

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MaryLayo: I mean, you've mentioned trust and

being honest with your therapist a few times,

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and I think that's important.

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I definitely think that's important, too.

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Let me ask you a question.

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What would you say?

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And I think, I don't think you've experienced

this because you've had the same therapist for

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about a year, but if someone, like, they

started on that journey with a therapist, but

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they didn't feel comfortable with them, they

hadn't, you know.

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Yeah, they.

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I guess they had trust issues, or they have

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trust issues.

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Would you say to stick with it?

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Or would you say, you know, at the end of the

day, it's your time, it's your money,

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potentially find someone else, you know, like,

how patient should someone be?

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How patient should someone be?

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Genis: So think about that.

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I think it's all up to the person.

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If you feel uncomfortable, if you feel this

is.

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Something's not working right from the start,

there's nothing stopping you saying, you know

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what, thank you for the first session, but I'd

like to explore or find someone else because

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something's just not sitting right with me.

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And that's fine because you need to remember

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that this is your time.

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This is your personal experience.

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These are your feelings, your thoughts.

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So if you're feeling uncomfortable that

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something's not sitting right with you, that

is fine.

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You can be open and honest to them about it,

about how you're feeling and find someone

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else.

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It's okay to kind of find somebody else that

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fits better with you because you're going to

be spending 1 hour with them, talking about

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yourself and things that are on your mind.

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And if you want to get the best out of it,

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it's best to find someone that matches you

with how you're feeling in that space.

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And you need to feel very safe in that space

with this person.

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Yeah, that's what I would suggest to someone.

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MaryLayo: Yeah, no, and I agree with you.

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I do agree that it's important to find someone

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that you are comfortable sharing with, you can

talk to.

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And it's something that I like.

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While you were talking, I was almost like

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playing back a conversation I've had with a

friend who used to, I guess, complain about,

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you know, a therapist she was seeing and how.

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Yeah, I guess she just wasn't so happy.

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But saying that, I think after a while she was

also saying positive things.

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So it's probably good for that person to also

perhaps explore or maybe give it a. You know,

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give it some time, perhaps, you know, just in.

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You know, just in case it can.

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It can change.

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Yeah, but like you said, it's down to the

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individual and.

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Genis: Yeah, yeah, of course.

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Like in the very first instance, if it feels

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something feels off, of course find somebody

else.

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But like you said, you know, sometimes it just

probably you need time to get used to that.

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Of course, it's a new relationship you're

trying to build with someone, a therapeutic

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relationship.

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And sometimes even talk about transference and

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counselling where like, you project your

preconceived notions and your fears onto your

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therapist or vice versa.

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So probably that's something that's happening.

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But then again, if you raise it with your

counsellor, probably you can navigate as to

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where that's coming from, you know?

So I think even at the bottom of having such

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an experience as well, is talking about it to

your therapist, because that's the best way to

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get the bottom off it.

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If you really need to find somebody else or

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it's just an internal struggle or something,

that you need to work with them.

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So.

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MaryLayo: Yeah, so, like, one of the things I

noticed when I had my time with a therapist

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was you mentioned about patience.

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Cause I had to be patient.

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You know, I remember, like, I think I like,

even week four, week five, I was still

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thinking.

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I was still going into those sessions

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thinking, oh, what is this doing for me?

You know, is this really helping?

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You know, this might, this.

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Now I have my time, my busy schedule that

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don't have, you know, because I wasn't really

seeing the benefits.

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And it was only, I think the turning point for

me was session five, you know, and then I

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started actually thinking, oh, this is really

good.

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This is really good for me because it was

giving me time to explore, evaluate, analyse,

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become more self aware.

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And when you're aware of things that you

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weren't previously really aware of, you could

then do something about it.

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If it's not positive, you know, if it's not

positive.

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And so I. It took me a while before I noticed

the benefits.

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So how long did it take, maybe even from the,

from the first session for you?

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Who knows?

But how long did it take before you noticed or

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have you noticed any, any benefits so far from

your therapy?

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Genis: Of course.

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Like, I think after, I was so optimistic about

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therapy in itself.

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So after my second session, I was like, wow,

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::

this is brilliant.

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The homework's working, I'm doing so well.

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And after two or three months, of course, life

happens and you dip.

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::

And I was like, wait, hold on.

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Actually, this is coming back.

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This is.

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Something's not right again.

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So I think for me, it comes in waves.

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Like, I still feel I'm still growing and still

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learning so much about myself.

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::

Like you spoke about self awareness, which I

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think is so something that I relate to a lot.

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I've become so self aware since this journey.

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A lot of reflection and has kind of taken

place along these months for me.

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And I think it's still happening.

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It's still a journey.

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It's still.

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It's still a process.

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But I think after six months or so, that's

when I really feel, okay, this is, this is

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going in the right direction.

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This is something I need to work on.

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::

These are my, these are the things that really

need my attention right now.

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::

These are the things that are blocking, uh,

blocking me from being my best self, for

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example.

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::

So, yeah, you kind of, you kind of learn your

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::

way of processing things and learning about

yourself in therapy.

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::

I wouldn't say it's a timeline for anyone.

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::

It could be one session or two sessions for

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you, or it could be your 8th or 9th or in five

months.

430

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You never know because also depends on the

type of therapy you're even in.

431

::

So it's been, it's been an interesting journey

so far.

432

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Yeah.

433

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MaryLayo: And what would you say has surprised

you the most about your counselling journey?

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Genis: Surprised me the most, I would say the,

the non judgmental aspect of it.

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It's going and sitting with someone and

talking to them about your thoughts, the way

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::

you think about why you do things, the way you

do things sometimes, or explaining life in

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::

general.

438

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And they will take it as it is.

439

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There's no judgement from them, there is no

opinions, no labelling that takes place that

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::

makes you feel inferior, or there's something

wrong with you, or there's something that

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::

needs to be fixed.

442

::

It's that attitude or that safe space that

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comes with therapy.

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Something that really surprised me.

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::

Although in theory, I kind of knew that would

happen.

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But in practise sitting there and be like,

wow, okay, I can talk about that and not feel

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::

ashamed about it, I think that's one thing

really surprised me.

448

::

And also that the time it gives you it

yourself, the focus is all about all the

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::

things happen in life and you're taking them

to your therapist.

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::

It's all about, okay, but how, how I, what,

what's my role in this event?

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::

So the focus that's kind of redirected to you,

I think, is something that I did not expect.

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I think those are the top two things I would

say that kind of really surprised me with

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therapy.

454

::

MaryLayo: What tips would you give someone

who's in two minds, you know, about having

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counselling based on your own experience?

Um, like, for me, I don't know why it took me

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so long.

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::

Let's put it that way.

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::

Yeah, I think.

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I think back in the days, um, I. There was,

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::

you know, I probably had this stereotype of,

you know, you had to be some sort of person,

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::

you know, that really needed help.

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::

You know, you had issues to go for therapy.

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::

However, that's changed over time.

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::

But what would you say if someone is in two

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::

minds, what would you say to them based on

your own experience?

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::

Genis: My first very straightaway answer would

be, do it.

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::

But I understand it's not as easy as it

sounds.

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::

For me myself, it took me eight months from

the intention to action.

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::

And there are various reasons as to why that

happens.

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::

Sometimes you're trying to find some person,

or even for me, I felt like I was not in the

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::

headspace to talk about it.

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::

Sometimes things get too heavy and you're not

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::

just ready to put it into words and explain to

somebody else what's going on internally,

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::

which is fine if you think you need some space

to get yourself together.

475

::

And then when you're ready to talk about it

and you want to take it to someone, that's

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::

fine too.

477

::

But in that space I would also say make sure

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you're not isolated, make sure you're not

alone.

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::

Talk to a trusted friend, a family member or

somebody is out there who can listen to you

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::

basically.

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::

But when you are ready, do it because it's

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::

something that's going to help you.

483

::

There's no con to going into therapy because

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this is something you're doing for yourself

and for nobody else really.

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::

This is.

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::

It's like a personal investment in yourself, I

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::

would say.

488

::

So be patient with yourself through the

489

::

process because it's not going to be easy,

it's going to be very uncomfortable.

490

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But it's definitely something I would

recommend to someone who's in two minds

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::

because I get it.

492

::

Like, Mary, you mentioned stigma as well.

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::

Like even self stigma and personal stigma

comes into play.

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::

Like, should I. Is this something I want?

Is my problem that big enough that I need to

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::

take it to therapy?

Is it something wrong with me?

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::

All of these things?

Of course I felt those things too.

497

::

But then you need to realise everyone's

threshold for tolerance of things that happen

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::

in life is different.

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::

And it's okay, you know, it's all part of the

500

::

human experience.

501

::

We're all going to have good days, we're all

502

::

going to have bad days and sometimes it's

manageable, sometimes it's not.

503

::

So. But there's always someone out there who's

waiting to listen and it might be your next

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::

therapist.

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::

So give it a good thought.

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::

Definitely go for it.

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::

MaryLayo: Thank you, Genis. No, I'm.

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::

I like what you've said about how, you know,

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::

it's all part of the human experience and

certainly give it some thought.

510

::

As for you, you've gone down this route and

you're.

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::

There's no. There's been no regrets.

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::

So.

513

::

Yeah.

514

::

Yeah, brilliant.

515

::

All right.

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::

Thanks, Genis, for explaining and just

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::

sharing about your experience and how it's

benefited you.

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Genis: Thank you, Mary.

519

::

MaryLayo: Here's a spiritual wellness tip for

you.

520

::

Meditate on Philippians, Romans 413, which is

one of Genes’ favourites.

521

::

And it reads, I can do all things through

Christ who strengthens me.

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::

Thanks for listening.

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::

Do follow and join me again next time on

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::

beyond the smile with MaryLayo.

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