Friendship is something many women deeply desire… yet quietly struggle with. You can have history with someone and still feel distant. You can want a deeper connection and still feel unsure of how to build it. You can feel like you’ve changed, and your friendships don’t feel the same anymore.

In this episode, we’re talking about the tension with outgrowing friendships, how to navigate when relationships shift, and how to build friendships that are actually healthy in this season of your life.

Key topics

• Growth and distance in friendships
• Vulnerability and honesty in relationships
• Biblical examples of friendship
• Setting healthy boundaries and managing expectations
• Addressing conflict early and directly

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Hey, winning women, welcome back. Today we're talking about friendships. And I will be the first to say that adult friendships can be hard to make, but I do believe that deep down inside, every woman, every person desires a good friendship. But there's a misconception about friendships. It's easy to perceive that someone who is surrounded by a lot of people has a lot of friends, but those can be the loneliest people sometimes. Also, if you've had a good friendship and you have a long history with someone, just because you have that,

doesn't mean that you feel the most connected to them. And then when I think of friendships, I also think that some people just desire deeper relationships. Like maybe they have a lot of friends or multiple friends, but they are craving a deep relationship, a best friend, a close friend. And then if you're like me, there are friendships that I've had for a long time, but I've just simply outgrown. And so as you grow spiritually, as you grow emotionally, or even if your priorities change, like you

get married or you have a family now and your priorities have shifted, then not every relationship will grow at the same pace and not every relationship will actually thrive in those different seasons when your priorities shift. And so today I want to walk through seven pieces of wisdom that will help you build healthier friendships no matter what season of life you're in. I do think that especially for women sometimes friendships can cause tension.

And it's not really because something is wrong with the other person, but it's just that something is different. So we're going to talk about that. What are the things that shift friendships and what does a healthy friendship look like? How do you build it? How do you sustain it? And you know me, I love to give just practical examples, practical wisdom, biblical wisdom, so that you can walk away with knowing what this actually looks like in your everyday life.

Okay, so I want to start first with just addressing a hard truth and that is that friendships can shift without failure being involved. I've learned a lot about friendships. I moved to the United States from Nigeria at the age of five and so I had to learn how to make friends. And you may think that, well, you're five, that should be easy. But when you're in a different environment, you're in an environment where you look different from everyone else, you think different, you act different, you're just in a whole new world.

It can be hard to make friendships. So I feel like now at the age of 40, over the past 35 years of learning how to make friendships and learning how to be a good friend that I have learned quite a bit. And one of the things I've learned I want to share is that growth will naturally create distance. I had a certain group of friends that we were very close when I was single. And then when I got married, I noticed that while nothing was wrong with those friendships, but I developed

new friendships in my season of being married. And that's simply because I have a connection with women who are now wise. Doesn't mean that my single friends I don't have a connection with. It just means that I'm developing and growing new friendships. And as you grow, that distance is inevitable. When I was in college, I also pledged in a sorority and I'm very close with my sorority sisters.

But I have noticed that over the years, there's just been some distance as we've all grown separately in our lives. Some are married, some have kids, some are entrepreneurs. And so it's okay. Growth will naturally create distance. Scripture tells us in Ecclesiastes that there is a time and a season for everything. And that includes relationships. That includes friendships. There's a story that comes to mind in the Bible and that's Paul and Barnabas. And their story is shared in Acts 15.

See, Paul and Barnabas had a meaningful partnership in ministry. And in case you don't know, Barnabas was one of the first people to truly stand with Paul after Paul's dramatic conversion. And so when others were a little cautious and they were unsure about him and Paul's conversion, Barnabas really believed in the work that God was doing in his life. And I think that matters because it shows that their relationship was not just surface, it was deep, it wasn't just shallow.

And it was built on a shared mission, like they connected because of purpose. So later when they planned to revisit the churches they'd planted, there was a disagreement that happened. And this is because Barnabas wanted to take John along with the journey and Paul did not. And this disagreement between them was so strong that they eventually separated. And so Barnabas took John Mark and Paul took Silas. But what is important about this story is that...

This was not presented as a total like spiritual collapse. Like just because they decide to go their separate ways, the mission still continued and God still worked through both of their paths. Now you can read more about that. I believe their story is in Acts 15 verse 36 through 41, but I hope that that story helps you see that women can still have godly relationships. And those relationships can come to a point where there's separation, there's shift, there's distance, maybe there's a shift in purpose.

And sometimes you may part ways with someone because of different convictions, different priorities, different assignments in that season. And that is okay. When I think about my sorority sisters, we check in with each other once in a while, but quite frankly, we've just grown into different seasons of our lives. And while at one point we may have talked every day, we may have checked in with each other every day, we may have gone out to eat every month. That season has just changed. It's okay to outgrow friendships without feeling guilty.

So just remember that growth will naturally create distance and it doesn't mean that something is wrong with them. So when you think about your friendships, take some time this week and reflect on a few close friendships that either you once had or you haven't talked to them in a while and just ask yourself, does this still feel life giving in this season? Once again, doesn't mean something's wrong with them, but perhaps you have to adjust access instead of forcing closeness like.

It doesn't mean you have to close relationship if you haven't talked to them in a while or they haven't reached out in a while, but maybe you just adjust who has access into your life. I have done this, especially on social media. If I haven't talked to someone in a while and I'm no longer interested in seeing their life, I will unfriend them, but it doesn't mean that don't like them anymore. I just don't want to give them access to my life anymore. And it is so freeing because you can release that pressure to keep everything the same just because it once was.

All right, so the next piece of advice or wisdom that I would share with you is that remember that you can't build deep friendships without inviting vulnerability into those friendships. Like, vulnerability is hard just in general, but I think sometimes women are a little bit more guarded with other women and being vulnerable because we don't know if it's safe. Have you ever noticed that when you ask someone how they're doing, the initial response is, I'm good, or things are okay, and then they switch it back to you, right?

And so I decided probably about a few years ago that while I may have a lot of people I consider friends, I'm going to go deep with just a select few. And so those conversations were different. When asked, how are you doing? It wasn't just, I'm fine. was, you know what? This week has been a little heavy or, hey, I feel a little stretched. I've also just shared a voice note with friends because sometimes it's hard to really reflect.

how you feel or what you're dealing with in a text message. So I will share a voice note. That's where you record your voice. And there are some apps that help with that. I love Marco Polo. Well, one friend has got me on Marco Polo, but that's because she can see my facial expressions and she can hear my voice while I'm talking. But those are ways that I have been intentional about going deep with a select few so that I'm not just staying surface and saying, things are okay.

This reminds me of David and Jonathan in the Bible. They have such a sweet friendship and their story is found mainly in Samuel. I believe it's Samuel, maybe 18 or 20, where it talks about how they were rivals. Jonathan was a prince. David was just a shepherd. And Samuel came and honored him and blessed him and said that he was going to be the next king. And so, you know the rest of the story. He defeats Goliath and he's rising into fame.

But back then, really, Jonathan, who was the son of the king, was supposed to be next in line for the throne. And so it would have been so natural and so easy for Jonathan to not like David because of that. It would have been easy for Jonathan to despite David because he was jealous, but their friendship deepened during a very difficult season when Saul, who was Jonathan's father, was trying to harm David.

Pretty much he was trying to kill David because David was a threat to him. But if you read on and you understand that story, you see that Jonathan, he wasn't just passive, but he really communicated honestly with David. He even warned David and told David, hey, my father is out to get you. He supported David even when it created tension with his own father, Saul. This reminds me of characteristics of healthy friendships, and that is that they're truthful, they share real emotion, and they're loyal to each other.

My best friend, we live in the same city. We've been friends since college, but we live about an hour and like 10 minutes away from each other. And so it's really not that easy to meet up. know it feels like it should be, but with our lives and everything, it's not as easy as you would think to meet up. But I love our friendship and that is a friendship that I have been committed to for years and being very intentional. So even if we only get together once, twice or three times a year, we make it a point to do that.

We send voice memos to each other once in a while. We just have a way of staying connected and picking right back up where we left off because that friendship is important. Now, if I can be honest, I was not always the best friend for her when I was going through a hard time. And you know what? She called me out on it in a very loving and respectful way. So friendships should have honesty. They shouldn't just be fluff. They should just be, everything's okay. A friend should be able to

share real emotion like, hey, that disappointed me. Hey, when you said this, that made me feel some kind of way. Hey, when you didn't invite me to this and I saw it on social media, it just didn't make me feel good. And I don't think that we should make them feel bad for expressing that, but we should honor that they're sharing their truth with real emotion. And that actually helps with showing loyalty to each other. And that leads me to another piece of wisdom that I'd to share about friendships, and that is to choose your friends.

but choose them based on fruits, not just because they're familiar to you, you've been friends for a while. So we're teaching our kids the fruit of the spirit. And that's why I kind of chuckle when I said fruit, because what does fruit actually look like in a friendship, right? When scripture talks about fruit and the fruit of the spirit, it's typically pointing to what consistently comes out of someone's life. So when you say you should bear fruit as a believer, that means that if you say you're a Christian or you say you're a believer, then

What fruit are you bearing? Like, what is consistently coming out of your life that reflects your Christian values, right? That's probably the best way I can explain it or the simplified way. Now, here's how I think that translates into real life friendship characteristics. And that is the fruit of the spirits that are healthy for friendships are fruit like peace, faithfulness, kindness, self-control, honesty, grace, and just encouragement and humility. So peace.

That means you feel more at peace after spending time with that person, not more worked up or unsettled. A friend that bears the fruit of peace brings a sense of steadiness when you're around them. Conversations feel more grounding. Whenever you talk to them, you don't feel as drained. They're not consistently stirring up drama or attention. They may talk about drama attention once in a while, but that's not like all they're talking about. And faithfulness. If you think about a faithful friend, they check in on you. They remember important things. They don't just disappear when life gets busy.

They follow up on what they're going to say. They show up on time or they show up if they say they're going to be there. They may not be on time, but they show up when they say they're going to be there. If you have a friend that bears the fruit or shows kindness, that means that they treat you with care, even in the small moments. They speak to you with respect. They're not sarcastic. They're very thoughtful with how they respond to you. They consider your feelings, not just their own. We all know what it looks like to have that friend that can only talk about themselves, only thinks about themselves.

And so kindness goes a long way. Self-control, that means that they manage their emotions and their reactions very well. They don't overreact. This is the friend that you call when maybe you're overreacting and you just need someone to like calm you down. I think our friends that bear healthy fruit, they show honesty and grace. That means that they tell you the truth in a way that builds and it doesn't tear you down. They tell you the truth with love. You need friends like this because you do want people to

Tell the truth and when I say tell the truth that means that they hold you accountable These cyber friendships can be hard because we can get mad at people for telling the truth But we know deep down inside they love us and we need to hear the truth And so these friends they may challenge you but they also correct you in a loving way. They're not passive They don't avoid hard conversations, but they really speak the truth without being harsh

And another fruit that I think is so important to bear as a friend, that is humility. That's the friend that's not always trying to prove a point or be right. We all know those types of people. They rarely ever apologize. They don't receive feedback well, but a friend that is humble, they don't make everything about themselves. Matthew 7 16 says that you will recognize them by their fruit. This is talking about believers. It's talking about what fruit do they bear?

If you say you're a good friend, how do you bear traits like humility and encouragement and honesty and self-control and kindness and faithfulness and peace and joy? All those characteristics are so important. And for the fourth piece of wisdom that I want to share about friendships is about boundaries. As women, we set boundaries for our work. We set boundaries for ourself, whether that's our time, whether that's the access that people have to us. We set family boundaries.

Friendship boundaries can be a little bit tricky. my goodness. Any of my close friends will tell you I am not the one that you want to call if your house is on fire. Not that I don't love you. It's just I don't always respond as quickly as I probably should. I'm one of those people that I just put my phone down and I will get to it when I get to it. And that serves me with being present. It allows me to be present with my family, my friends or whatever environment that I'm in.

But it doesn't really serve my friends well because if they need to get access to me, even my family, they're like, Jennifer, I sent you a text four hours ago. I sent you a text a day ago. Jennifer, I sent you a text last week. I know it's so embarrassing. But my point is that you do need to set boundaries for healthy friendships. I think healthy friendships should have honest limits. Like women need to know their capacity and communicate it without guilt.

My friends know if I don't get back to them, it's not because I don't care for you. It's just that I was busy, but I don't want to feel guilty about paying attention to my family or being more present and or having a busy season and I can't get back to you. I don't want to feel guilty for that. And so I should be able to communicate that without the guilt. And that's a sign of a healthy friendship. Now, it doesn't mean that you set your boundaries with that. mean, they're

is a time where I think that you should be intentional in responding back to people that you care about. And whenever I do, always tell my friends, hey, it was not intentional that I didn't respond back to your texts. This was going on. But the ones that get it, get it. They understand and they know. And so think about your friendships. And if there is any resentment that is building up between you and a friend because either they don't respond back to you, they don't get back to you, they don't communicate,

then maybe that resentment that you're feeling is a signal that a boundary is needed. And now that's up to you to determine what that boundary is. And now that leads me to another piece of wisdom. I think this is the fifth piece of wisdom. We have seven today, but the fifth piece of wisdom that I want to share that I have learned over the years about friendships and building healthy friendships is to stop expecting one friend to be everything. Y'all.

Making friends is hard, but when you get a good friend, it is so easy. It is so natural to expect them to be everything. That's a lot of pressure. Even Jesus ran in different circles. throughout the gospels, Jesus loved people. That was very clear, right? But even on his earthly ministry, he did not just relate to every person in the exact way. Jesus had a broader crowd that followed him, but he also had 12 disciples who walked

closely with him. Not 40, not 100, not 500, 12. Those 12 were given access to Jesus in a different way than others had access to him. And within that 12, he had an even smaller circle like Peter and James and John who were present in the moments that the others were not. Think of the Garden of Gethsemane and the Mount of Transfiguration and even when Jairus' daughter was sick.

There were only a select few who were there for those moments. And I don't think that was by accident. This is a sweet reminder that Jesus didn't just love his 12 disciples and that was it. He didn't just love them and ignore everybody else. Like he wasn't like, okay, y'all are my 12 and that's it. Don't put that same pressure on one friend. Relationships can have different levels, different access, different responsibility, different intimacy levels. I mean, when I was going through a season where I was navigating a lot of grief,

Not everyone had access to my life in that season. That's because I know that certain friends wouldn't understand that, but I had a select few that really helped me navigate that season because either they had been there before or they just knew how to be there for me in that season. One friend simply cannot meet every need. They can't meet the emotional need, the spiritual need, the practical need, because that can lead to conflict. And now that's the sixth piece of wisdom I want to share is

to address conflict, to address tension early instead of letting it grow. Many friendships don't fall apart because of the ultimate betrayal. Usually, friendships fall apart because one small hurt goes unaddressed, or one comment goes misunderstood, or one expectation goes unmet, or one moment becomes overlooked. Like, it's these little crumbs. And instead of addressing it, a woman pulls back emotionally

Or if you're like me, sometimes I kind of give the cold shoulder or I just play it over and over and over in my head. I rehearse it in my head. And then now I'm just not talking to you. Matthew 18, 15 addresses how we should handle tension or or issues as believers. And Jesus teaches us in the scripture that if your brother sins against you, go and tell him between you and him alone. That means work it out with each other. Don't involve everybody, but go to that person.

and share the offense. What stands out to me in Jesus giving this instruction is the simplicity in it. Like, he is simply saying, go directly to that person. Go privately to that person. Go with the goal of restoration. Don't go with the goal of conflict. Like, Jesus does not encourage gossip. He doesn't encourage you to be passive or avoid or...

or start a group text or meet with a group of people secretly like he calls for personal and honest conversation. And this is countercultural. I don't see a lot of this today because it's easy to put everyone in the group chat or it's easy to talk about that person in Bible study and say, keep so and so in prayer when really you're just spreading their business. It's easy to vent to other people, which sometimes is healthy, but you have to still go to that person and address it directly.

And Jesus points us to do this truthfully, peacefully. so a healthy friendship means that you address the issues early. The reason why early is important is because you will let it fester, it will grow, and the enemy will have a field day, a field day with that tension. So don't let silent resentment build between you and a friend. And my final piece of wisdom, there's so many y'all, but my final piece of wisdom is

to be the friend that you're praying for. It's easy to focus on what you're not receiving, what you're not getting from a friend, but it's a little bit harder to reflect on what we are giving. When we want something, we need to be able to be that. If we want connectivity, if we want vulnerability, if we want a close friend, then what friends are we showing up for in that way? I think of Ruth and Naomi, and Ruth and Naomi's relationship is not a typical friendship story. When you hear it, you think it is, but...

There was a big age gap, but their relationship reflected qualities like loyalty and presence and steadfast love in the middle of hardship. If we recall, Naomi had suffered a lot of loss. Her husband had died. Her sons had died and she was in a grieving state. She was left very vulnerable and she was just preparing to return back to Bethlehem. She told her daughters to go and rebuild their lives and so Orpa was like, okay, peace out. She left.

But Ruth stayed and Ruth's words are some of the most memorable in scripture that where you go, I will go and where you lodge, I will lodge and where your people will be is where I will be. And Ruth didn't just offer Naomi sympathy like, I'm sorry, you're going through this. I'll be praying for you. You know, we like to say that, but she offered her presence. She stayed near to Naomi. And when they arrived in Bethlehem,

Ruth went to gleam the fields. You all know what happens after that. She gleamed the fields and they were able to develop a deep and loving, loving friendship through that. Luke 6 31 says, due to others as you would have them do to you, be the friend that you would want a friend to be to you. That means are you consistent? Are you trustworthy? Are you present when it matters? Not are you present all the time?

But when they lose something, when they lose a loved one, when they're going through a tough loss, when they lose that job, when something is going on in their life, are you just saying, okay, I'll pray for you and let me know if you need something? Or are you really just shooting a text or calling them or sending a voice when we're saying, hey, I'm thinking about you. Hey, just praying for you. Hey, I don't need anything. I just want you to know that I love you. And I'm thinking about you today. Are you present when it matters?

So think about this as you go through your week. Think about this as you evaluate your friendships. Think about this as you evaluate the type of friend that you are. And I pray that these seven tips I shared today help you build healthier friendships, help you be a healthier friend. I pray that it transforms your life because adult friendships can be hard, but you don't have to go through life isolated. You don't have to go through life putting that one pressure on that one friend to be everything. You don't have to go through life.

having tension in friendships and not addressing it. You don't have to go through life feeling like I cannot be honest, I cannot be truthful with my friends. You can build healthy friendships and so as we close, I'd love to pray for you and your friendships. thank you for the gift of relationships and friendships. Thank you for the women that you have placed in our lives no matter what age they are, no matter what season that we met them in. But just thank you and I pray for the woman that is listening right now.

You know her friendships, Lord. You know where she feels connected and where she may feel distant. You know where there's joy and you know where there might be a little bit of tension. So Lord, give her wisdom. Give her wisdom and discernment for what is healthy. Give her peace in those friendships that are shifting. But Lord, I ask that you remove any guilt that is not from you, any guilt that is not healthy.

Teach her how to build relationships with honesty and care. Give her the courage to be vulnerable. Give her the clarity to set boundaries and give her the humility to grow, Help her to be kind and help her to be the kind of friend that she desires, the kind of friend that she has been praying for, the kind of friend that you know, Lord, that she needs in her life. Help her to be faithful and trustworthy and present and most importantly, Lord, help her to be aligned with you.

and in all of her relationships, let them reflect your love, your truth, and your grace. Jesus' name we pray, amen. All right, friend, go win this week, evaluate good friendships, be a good friend, and make God proud. Bye for now.