Shownotes
Wisdom-Trek / Creating a Legacy
Welcome to Day 183 of our Wisdom-Trek, and thank you for joining me.
This is Guthrie Chamberlain, Your Guide to Wisdom.
Should Have, Would Have, Could Have
Thank you for joining us for our 7 days a week, 7 minutes of wisdom podcast. This is Day 183 of our Trek, and yesterday we explored the 25 nuggets or Proverbs for Abundant Living. Today we are going to hike the “Should Have, Would Have, Could Have” trail otherwise known as the Tyranny of the Should. If you miss any of our Wisdom-Trek episodes, please go to Wisdom-Trek.com to listen to them and read the daily journal.
We are recording our podcast from our studio at The Big House in Marietta, Ohio. On Sunday, we went to church with my Dad, who lives about an hour north of The Big House. We also took him out for lunch at Cracker Barrel, which is his favorite place to eat. Our daughter Elizabeth and her four children came over for the evening to help us consume some Thanksgiving leftovers, and the grandkids helped Gramps get started on the renovations in the library. This week will be a busy work week with client work and planning for 2016.
Have you ever had those times where you have felt or said, “I should have made a different choice or decision?” For example, your narrative may have gone like this…“I should have made a different decision, then I would have been in a better place. And, I could have so much more in life.” The trek that we will hike today is the “Should Have, Would Have, Could Have” trail, or as some may refer to it, The Tyranny or the Should of Trail.
Tyranny of the Should
Learn how to free yourself from the destructive, incessant pressure to be perfect.
Everyone lives with “shoulds.” One might say that Christianity and other faiths are a way of life built on shoulds, such as one should love others, one should keep themselves from bad practices, and one should give to charity. For many, their shoulds are experienced as positive and fulfilling. Meeting one’s moral obligations is a great source of pleasure. When we do the right thing, we feel good about ourselves and feel that life has meaning and purpose.
But there are others who do not experience shoulds in a positive way. They feel pressured and strangled by them. For such people, their inner shoulds are sources of great emotional suffering. Dr. Karen Horney named this experience, the “tyranny of the should.”
Here are some examples of shoulds that can become problematic:
- I should always feel happy.
- I should not dislike anyone.
- I should feel strong and in control.
- I should have perfect clarity.
- I should always be giving.
- I should not make mistakes.
- I should never get angry.
- I should never waste time.
- I should always feel productive.
Shoulds become tyrannical when they are experienced as making impossible demands that are impossible to meet. “You should never be weak,” is an impossible demand to meet. The “tyranny of the should” is experienced as a demand to be perfect and, therefore, feels like an order given by an oppressive dictator who ruthlessly demands perfection and nothing less. Shoulds are rigid, unyielding, and devoid of compassion for your limitations and weaknesses. You are never able to relax because the pressure to be perfect is unrelenting.
When shoulds are reinforced by social pressure, they become even more unbearable. Under the burden of these dictates, your behavior may become pressured, forced, and may even take on an obsessive quality. The hallmark of the experience if you are controlled by the tyranny of the should is that you feel driven, but you never feel like the driver of your life. There is a loss of personal agency, genuine creativity, and authenticity.
If this isn’t enough, shoulds are also experienced as punitive. Every should carries an implicit message that, “If you don’t do it perfectly, you are a bad person.” Thus feeling like a failure, you inevitably fall prey to self-hate and shame. If you loathe yourself, you feel depressed, hopeless, and sapped of vitality. Thankfully there is hope. Here are the five steps to destroy the Tyranny of the Should.
1. Become aware of your shoulds.
Make your list. When you begin to become aware of them, you will discover just how many there are, some obvious and others quite subtle. So listen very carefully.
2. Recognize that some shoulds are lies.
For example, you might hear yourself say that I should always feel happy. Is this true or false? It is certainly a lie because it is not humanly possible to be happy all the time and never be in a bad mood.
3. Identify the truth.
In this example, the truth would be, “It is okay to feel unhappy and be in a bad mood from time to time. No one is happy all the time.” Upon embracing the truth, you will feel a perceptible shift; a sense of liberation and a feeling of lightness. Now, how long you allow yourself to be stuck in that mood is a choice that you will need to make. When we find ourselves unhappy or angry, we need to make a mind shift so that we do not remain there long term. Make this mind shift by doing something positive for others.
“Therefore, whenever we have the opportunity, we should do good to everyone—especially to those in the family of faith,” Galatians [6:10].
4. Recognize that you are not a bad person.
Just because you are not happy all the time doesn’t mean your are a bad person, that something is wrong with you, or that you have a psychological problem. To think so is a falsehood. We all fall prey to these feelings, but this does not mean that you have to be controlled by these emotions. Work on recognizing your feelings so that when they do manifest themselves, you are able to take action.
“Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex! Your workmanship is marvelous—how well I know it,” Psalm 1[39:14].
5. Accept yourself as a good person who is imperfect and limited.
No longer needing to be perfect, you can begin to discover and embrace the truth about yourself. Living as an imperfect, limited, and messy human being requires letting go of your idealized self-image. Embracing reality is often painful.
Becoming more grounded in your own true feelings and perceptions is a primary indication that you have begun to free yourself from the “tyranny of the should.” As the grip of this reign of terror loosens, you begin to feel more alive, becoming the driver of your life and no longer being driven.
“Since everything God created is good, we should not reject any of it but receive it with thanks,” 1 Timothy 4:4.
Today on our Trek we considered the “Should Have, Would Have, Could Have” trail as we learned the five steps to overcome The Tyranny of the Should. Consider what type of mind shift and changes you need to make in your life to live the rich and satisfying life that you should. As you have the opportunity, please encourage your friends and family to join us and come along tomorrow for another day of our Wisdom-Trek, Creating a Legacy as we hike the trails that will help us to build character.
That will finish our podcast for today. Remember to listen to your daily dose of wisdom each day. Please share Wisdom-Trek with your family and friends through email, Facebook, Twitter, or in person so they can come along with us each day.
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Thank you for allowing me to be your guide, mentor, and most of all your friend as I serve you through the Wisdom-Trek podcast and journal each day.
As we take this Trek together, let us always:
- Live Abundantly (Fully)
- Love Unconditionally
- Listen Intentionally
- Learn Continuously
- Lend to others Generously
- Lead with Integrity
- Leave a Living Legacy Each Day
This is Guthrie Chamberlain reminding you to Keep Moving Forward, Enjoy Your Journey, and Create a Great Day Every Day! See you tomorrow!