How the Patriarchy Affects the Mental Load
This isn't a "fuck the patriarchy/white straight men suck" episode. This is an acknowledgment and discussion of facts. The facts are, that the patriarchy exists; by nature, it oppresses women and people of color; and it needs to be reformed. (which would then make it something new altogether) Society and institutions are made to evolve as they learn and I think we've learned enough about the patriarchy to make it clear that a lot needs to change.
And, to be fair, outside of the economics of the patriarchy, I would say that it doesn't actually serve white men that well either, which we will dive in to as part of this epsidoe.
What is patriarchy?
It's very complicated, but in an oversimplified explanation: it's the idea that men have more power, dominance, and privilege than women. Men hold positions of power and women are less valued therefore end up oppressed. The ideas of the patriarchy infiltrate daily life.
For example: women take men's names at marriage and their children get the male surnames. Another is that men hold most executive positions at companies and in government. They make decisions based on their worldview to the detriment of women. Obviously there are some parts we take bigger issue with than others.
Values like rationale thinking are prioritized over emotions. It's primarily white and heterosexual. Behaviors are policed based on the social construct of these ideas.
So what does this have to do with the mental load?
The patriarchy built and maintains the systems we have today that do not help and support women. It also steers men's behavior in a way that does not support modern family life. It leads to deeply unsatisfied relationships on both sides of the equation although for different reasons. It really lays the foundation for the mental load.
- In society? Creates a hierarchy of power with white men at the top. Discussion: We'll discuss later on why we think the patriarchy doesn't actually serve men well either, but do you think it's something that the average man thinks about nearly as much as those who mother do?
- In American culture, women expect to be harassed and are constantly on alert for physical threats.
- In the workplace? Men hold most senior executive functions
If you're inherently against things like male dominance and privilege, does that make you a feminist? And is being a feminist still looked down upon?
Here's one definition I found: Many forms of feminism characterize patriarchy as a present-day unjust social system that subordinates, discriminates, and oppresses women. Feminists often view patriarchal ideology as the root cause of gender inequality.
So going by that, yes, I guess I'd define myself as a feminist and I would not feel bad about that. Side note - isn't it the patriarchy that makes us feel bad about being a feminist?
What mental load issues does the patriarchy keep in place?
- the burden of childcare - as we all know by now, childcare is looked on a being feminine and appearing feminine is a big no-no for men under the patriarchy.
- sick days
- pick up/drop off
- appointments
All these things end up falling primarily to women. Thus, we must mentally retain the details around them.
- being the default parent - if your spouse is more valued in society than you, you'll be the first one school calls, the one who coordinates all the invisible labor, etc.
- Contraception - the burden to find it, take it reliably because we do not have rights to our own bodily autonomy in every state
- Invisible Labor - cooking, cleaning, chores - they're gendered and split unevenly. This is why so many women
Millenial women cite the mental load as one of the primary reasons they get divorced. Is it fair to say that the gendered norms the patriarchy instills in men actually holds them back from being productive in relationships?
Harmful behavior in households taught by the patriarchy:
- not helping with cleaning or knowing details of children's lives
- not emotionally supporting your wife
- not emotionally supporting your children
The man box: it sucks and it's doing your relationships a disservice. You can thank the patriarchy for that.
What is the man box?
It’s essentially a set of social constructs that men use to police each other’s behavior and it’s what they’re taught that they bring in to a marriage and a household that become behaviors we find problematic and contribute to the mental load. It’s a concept pioneered by Tony Porter, who has a fantastic TedTalk about it that we’ve linked in the show notes. Essentially:
- Don’t be emotional - except for Anger, anger is always acceptable
- Do not show weakness or fear
- Always demonstrate control
- Be a protector
- Don’t be like a woman - heterosexual
- Do not be like a gay man
- Be tough
- Don’t ask for help
- View women as property/objects
Discussion: What of these man box teachings do you find most problematic and how do they contribute to your mental load?
Conclusion:
It's obvious what women have to gain from the patriarchy being radically reformed into something new. Better pay, equal rights, better balance. But men have just as much to gain.
Does this conversation become a chicken and the egg one? Because economically men benefit so much. And women's work is inherently undervalued so why would they even be convinced to try and change anything? What we see as being gained is seen as a loss by them.
Thriving Lives Fitness
Melissa Bloom
A well lived life
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One of my favorite things about being married to my husband is actually all of his amazing cousins. Jen Zamzow is one of them and she’s one of the smartest women I’ve met. She’s an adjunct professor of healthcare ethics at the Concordia University Irvine and a freelance writer for publications like Psychology Today and the Washington Post writing about health, well-being and, you guessed it, motherhood. She has a newsletter on substance that you can subscribe to via the link in the show notes called “A Well Lived Life”. Check it out; you won’t regret signing up!
Hey everyone it’s Katlynn. In November of 22 I started working with Marcus at Thriving Lives Fitness. After three kids I just wanted my clothes to fit better and to feel confident in my own skin. What I live about working with Marcus is that he treats me as a whole person. He doesn’t just give me meal plans and workouts to follow each week, he asks about things like my stress, digestion and sleep. All things that impact my fitness. Yes, my clothes fit better because I’ve lost weight, but more importantly I feel like I’ve created a healthy lifestyle that can support my family and I long term.
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And of course, I can’t not mention my friend, former guest and mindset coach, Melissa Bloom. If you’re looking to reframe your thoughts and see the world through a new lens, Melissa is the perfect guide for your journey. It is not an understatement to say she does life-changing work. She’s done it alongside me for the past year and it’s been one of the best investments I’ve made. Find her at Melissabloom.life and all things Path to Joy.
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