Welcome back to Late Boomers! We’re your hosts, Host Cathy Worthington and Merry Elkins. In this episode, we’re thrilled to sit down with Tara Conahan, founder of Obsessionediquette.com, to unpack the world of Irish traditional music sessions and the universal lessons they offer about belonging, creativity, and venturing into new communities especially after 50.

Whether you’re a seasoned musician, a curious listener, or simply someone eager to embrace new experiences, this conversation is for you. Tara Connaghan joins us all the way from Donegal, Ireland, to share her wisdom on “session etiquette”—the unspoken social codes that help us connect and thrive, not only in music circles but everywhere in life.

We dive into what makes music sessions in Ireland (and beyond) both inviting and intimidating, how newcomers can read a room and ease their anxiety, and why it’s okay to be a beginner at any age. Tara Conahan highlights how etiquette isn’t about rigid rules but about bringing positive, collaborative energy to any group setting.

We also explore:

• The surprising origins and evolution of Irish music sessions
• Why it’s normal to feel anxious joining an established group (and how to get past it)
• The role of elders in passing on music, wisdom, and confidence
• Listening as an underrated and essential way to participate
• How to gracefully navigate awkward first encounters
• Why real belonging means being valued and heard

Key Takeaways

• Session Etiquette is Universal: It applies not just to music, but to jobs, social circles, and any situation where you’re joining something that existed before you (02:43).
• You’re Not Alone in Feeling Anxious: Everyone from beginners to professionals faces uncertainty when entering new spaces. A little reconnaissance helps reduce the pressure (06:37).
• Reading the Room: Adjust your energy by thinking about how you’ll affect others, not just how they’ll affect you (10:12).
• Belonging is About Value: Authentic inclusion happens when everyone feels valued and heard (12:45).
• Start Small, Get Comfortable: Visit sessions a few times before joining in, and start with those that suit your skill level (18:10).
• It’s Okay to Walk Away: If a group isn’t welcoming, don’t force it find a community where you feel genuine belonging (25:29).
• Music Connects Generations: Sessions can bring together everyone from young kids to elders, fostering intergenerational bonds and wisdom (21:35).
• Bring Music Into Your Life: Make a list of 10 songs or albums that shaped your life and revisit your own soundtrack (25:50).

We invite you to reflect on your own life’s soundtrack! Take a few minutes this week to list ten tracks, albums or genres that marked major chapters or memories for you. See where the music takes you and let it inspire creativity and connection in your life. If you’re intrigued by the world of Irish sessions, check out Tara Conahan’s work at obsessionediquette.com for more resources and inspiration.

Finally, don’t forget to subscribe to Late Boomers on your favorite podcast platform so you never miss an episode designed to empower your journey of reinvention, creativity, and meaningful connection.

Be bold. Stay curious. Find your session.

— Cathy & Merry

Mentioned in this episode:

Late Boomers is part of the eWomenPodcastNetwork.

eWomenPodcastNetwork

Welcome to Late Boomers, our podcast for people who are embracing life after 50, where reinvention, creativity and meaningful connection are always in style. I'm Cathy Worthington.

And I'm Merry Elkins. Each week we explore new ways to stay curious, engaged and inspired, whether it's through the arts, relationships or personal growth.

Today we're diving into something that's both joyful and a little mysterious.

Music as a social experience, especially Irish traditional music sessions. Welcoming, but sometimes a little intimidating.

It's like entering any new group. You want to belong without stepping on toes.

That's true. And something many of us experience in this stage of life.

Which brings us to today's guest.

Yes. Joining us today is Tara Conahan, Founder, Obsessionediquette.com Tara, welcome to late Boomers.

Thank you so, so much. I'm delighted to be here.

Delighted to have you.

And you're coming to us from Ireland today, right?

I am in the very northwest of the country, a place called Donegal. So that's where I am.

Fabulous, fabulous. I love when we talk to people around the world. And let's dive right into your, your brand name. Let's. For listeners who've never heard the term, what is session etiquette in simple terms for that?

Yeah, it's, it's, I suppose it's been kind of around the Irish music scene for quite a while. Sessions are kind of new. They're kind of only about 60, 70 years old since the kind of the ballad boom in the 60s and before that, music was kind of just played in houses and maybe, maybe even outdoors. If the weather, that's weather dependent. And those three words don't really go together, weather dependent in Ireland, but it was probably mostly in houses. And then I think it started in London actually, that pubs, they kind of got together. It's kind of a get together place for Irish people abroad. And they went into a public house and started playing some music.

So that's supposedly where it came from. But so that term session etiquette, I suppose it's etiquette in anything. It could be like road etiquette, it could be work etiquette. But a lot of people are familiar with the term session etiquette because it's about etiquette of joining Irish music sessions.

Is it only relevant to Irish traditional music or does it exist in other settings too?

Yeah, absolutely not. It's not just coined for Irish traditional music. We're not tyrants of any sort. I think it just means when you're, when you're joining something that exists before you. So especially if you're coming to it as a newcomer, then there's just so many questions and so many things that you could get wrong. But you're more worried about the things that you might get wrong rather than the things that you probably actually get wrong, because you probably don't get that much wrong. But you're so anxious and worried about it, and, and then that kind of. Then you might do things that are more like an anxious behavior, which you wouldn't normally do.

So, yeah, I think we all do it.

Well, then tell us about how the session etiquette applies outside Ireland.

Well, I suppose, yeah, it's. It's. It's a little bit different then because Irish music is normally played in Ireland, we're kind of seen as the mothership. But then the people that play it outside of Ireland, you know, they're so. A lot of them kind of are thinking, okay, this is how it's done in Ireland. But then maybe it's only. That's how it's done in one session in Ireland or maybe two sessions and maybe even be. It's different in every.

It's different in every locality. It's different around the world. And it's different. Even if I went to a session in my local pub tonight and then I went to another one tomorrow night, it would be different or even, you know, a few hours later or even just. It depends on the people. And I think it's just because it exists beforehand. People then are worried that they're doing something wrong because they're joining something new. So that's kind of.

Yeah, I, I was going to ask you why so many people feel anxious when joining an established group. I certainly do.

Yeah. Yeah. It's totally. Like I started learning patchwork recently. Now, I had never had a sewing machine before because I didn't do home economics in school in high school, or I took woodwork instead. So give me wood and a saw or chisels any day. But what a sewing machine. I actually about three weeks ago.

And I'm a fiddle player. Bear mine. So I, you know, my, my hands and fingers are valuable to me. And I put the needle through my finger.

Oh, dear.

I know.

Is that a sewing machine needle?

A sewing machine needle.

I did that one time. I didn't know when I was a kid. Very dangerous.

But, you know, going to that, going to that class for the first time, I was, you know, a little bit, you know, I know nothing. So I arrived with my sewing machine going, how do I switch it on? And I think I just. You know, when you're so completely clueless, I always just put my hands up and going, I absolutely know nothing about this whatsoever. I need help. And I think if you're open to I need help, that can be your kind of key in.

I think that's hard to do, especially later in life when people want to start something new, creative that they haven't done.

Yeah.

You know, they get intimidated. I don't. I would totally feel.

Well, it's. In a way, it's like when you're young and you're in school and you don't want to raise your hand because you think you'll get the answer wrong.

Yeah.

So are you both in that category? You'd be both in the a little bit anxious category.

I don't think for most things I'm anxious, but for a new situation, like, for sure, a music session would really intimidate me.

I.

But I used to sing in a choir for many years. Many, many years. But. And that never made me anxious. I really enjoyed it.

Yeah.

But. But how. What are some common social missteps that people would make? Like, not from arrogance, but uncertainty.

Yeah. I think even getting in the door, a lot of people are afraid. And to get people as far as. Even the session, a lot of people just go, oh, no, I'll go. I'll go next week. And that they keep postponing and postponing. I'll do it next week. I'll do it.

No, I'll do it next week. No, I definitely. Oh, I'll definitely do it next week. And next week never comes. So.

Yeah, next week never comes.

That is true.

And then there's. Then there's the. Like, they. Then maybe they do get in as far as the door, and then they keep their instrument in the car. So they didn't bring it with them. That's another one. And so. But that's not a bad thing, actually.

That's probably a good. I would always advise people, if they're coming to a session, to do that for the first three or four times. So that then, you know, it just releases the anxiety a little bit. It just lessens it. So you can sit into the session and kind of go, oh, this is. This is quite nice. You're kind of experiencing what the sessions like, who the musicians are. You're getting to hear the music.

And I always think it's a good idea to do a couple of recce or reconnaissance trips. Yeah.

Do you have any knowledge of what goes on in the United States? Like, are there any nests of place where people. People would find Irish music? Like, we're in Los Angeles. I. I don't hear about it. We have some Irish pubs, but I don't think they have sessions. I don't even know they do.

There are lots and lots of sessions in Los Angeles. I've been talking to lots of listeners in Los Angeles. Loads of them all over. All over the States. Yeah.

Oh, well, if you think of any of the club names or anything, tell us.

Okay. Fun.

They have told me, but I, you know, do I remember them? I've been told. Is there a place called the Bay Area?

Oh, yeah.

Yes.

North in Northern California, 500 miles from us.

Yeah. Okay. Right. Well, that's definitely. I know the sessions there.

Well, our podcasts are everywhere in the world, so.

Oh, sure. I'm talking about. Actually, Merry, you and I could go to one.

Wouldn't that be fun and be intimidated?

I've not.

I don't play an instrument anymore, so I'm not bringing an instrument.

It's kind of like. It would be like, oh, you do bring an instrument. What do you.

I'm just saying, you could. You. She could bring an instrument. Yeah.

Or sing.

I definitely could not.

That would be like listening to bad karaoke for me if I sang. Yeah. So you're corny.

You're pretty good.

Oh, well, thank you. How can people learn to read unspoken rules without overthinking? And I would think this applies to every part of life.

Yeah. A lot of people say read the room, so I'm trying to kind of tease that out. What does read the room mean? Because it could mean lots of different things.

Yeah.

And so one person that I thought gave a lovely description of what read the Room is was Michaela Melozi. She is a TV host on PBS there. It's called. It's Bare Feet with Michaela Melozi. She's a dancer and she travels around the world. It's like a travel program, but dancing through dance. And she has. Oh, it's beautiful.

So she is a very good friend of mine. She was over here a couple in the. For the last couple of years, she's been over and back and over and back. So we've become very good friends. And I interviewed her recently and she just gave a really nice account of what she says is read, Read the Room. And she said, how I like this is how she does it. Because she's in a lot of different environments, you know, learning the dance of a. Of a.

Wherever she's traveled to. And she said, when I'm there, she said, I. I try to figure out how my energy is going to affect everybody else in the room. I thought, wow,

energy is going to affect.

Okay, yeah, like what?

Yeah, so, you know, if she comes in with like a real high energy, maybe it doesn't need high energy, this particular, you know, circumstance, or maybe it needs a very, very low key. And so you're kind of reading the energy or reading the, the vibe so that you can say, right, am I going to come in too heavy here? Am I going to come in too soft? Where do I come. Where do I find the balance for me to, to be the.

To give the best generous of her. Very generous versus saying how are they going to affect me? Say, how am I going to affect you? That's. Yeah, that's very different.

And stepping carefully and. Yeah, yeah, that's interesting. What does genuine belonging look like then?

Oh, well, for me, genuine belonging is that I feel like I'm part of something that's not just. It's bigger than me. Um, so it's a bit like the session as well. So I'm part of that. It's like a teamwork and we're all working together and if there's somebody not working in that team and they're working for. They're kind of. There's no I in team, but they're just doing the I bit. That.

That to me means that I would have trouble. I feel I would have trouble kind of including that person or making them feel like they belong. Because it. It's like you're fighting almost the greater cause. So the greater cause or the aim for that person is that they're there for themselves rather than there for the teamwork.

Yeah, but I'm still very unclear on it because how would you know the music? How would you know that song? Or how would you know what they're going to play that night?

Well, there's a lot of common tunes. So I mean, when people are joining Irish music sessions to play, they kind of have a common repertoire. So if I'm like the, the leader of a session, I even. I don't even like the lead. The word, the term leader, maybe a host of the session. I might, I might be the one that's there that I might be getting paid because I'm maybe a skilled musician. So I would try and play tunes that maybe would be common. So the newcomers might.

They might know them. And so those kind of things would. Would help people to feel like they're. They're Valued. I think genuine belonging is that somebody's valued and that they are heard. You know, their opinion is heard, that they're. That they're valuable to the session.

It sounds like to me that these rules and these ideas go beyond just music just to apply to life.

Absolutely, yeah. I mean, if I'm driving on a motorway or if I'm driving on a side road, coming onto a motorway or a highway, there's cars there that already exist. So I need to be thoughtful about those cars. And that's the same thing. Like, it's like I'm entering something that exists before I. I arrive to it. Even like a new. A new job or any.

Yeah, well, for someone who loves music but doesn't play the. Then how can they participate meaningfully?

They can really participate meaningfully by enjoying themselves. So, you know, if you're. If you're in a. You could clap, so long as you're not clapping out of time. So you have to be care. You know, you have to think about how is my interaction with this going to affect the other people. So I know a lot of people, Irish musicians, when they're on stage, they, you know, encourage people to clap. It can be really, really difficult then to play along because there's.

It's just the physics of, of music. There's a, A time delay. So then we're trying to struggle to where. Which, which is the beat is it? So you're almost playing to two beats and you're like, no. And it can, it can really derail things. So I would just be saying if, you know, go you. Yeah, yeah, that's. Yeah, you're good.

We want you at the session, you know, and just even interact with the musicians or just, just if you have a smile on your face and you're enjoying yourself, that's all is needed.

So that's the role listening plays in these sessions.

Yeah, yeah. And there's some, some really, really good listeners, as in, they come to the same session every week and all they want to do is hear like some of the music or, you know, know, or just get a chance to chat to some of the musicians at the end or, you know, or even just buy. If they wanted to buy a musician a drink or whatever. It's. There's just so much. It's just a fun thing to do and interaction. It's just cool.

Sounds like it. How many people are usually in your sessions now?

This is part of the etiquette as well. I think it contributes to it. So for me, my favorite and even I have a podcast that. And it's about the perspectives on etiquette in Irish traditional music. And. And all the people I have interviewed, I have not asked all of them, but asked in general, kind of what is your favorite size of a session? So most people say, and I would say it myself, between 6 and 10. That's when you can still. You can still engage with everybody there.

Once it gets a bit bigger than that and there's like rows behind and, you know, it's spread across the room and it's a way out. You know, you can't engage with everybody. And then people don't feel like they genuinely belong because, you know, they're so far away and nobody gets to chat. You know, you only get to talk to the people around you rather than, you know, talking to everybody in the session. Because if you're. If you're all connecting in together and playing, and it's a real kind of team effort. Oh, my God. It can bring you to euphoria.

It can bring you just a magical places. It's brilliant.

So we're always encouraging our baby boomer audience to look for their creative side, that they may have been keeping the creative down for years and years while they've been doing corporate or some. Or anything else, or family or whatever.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

So that's interesting because are you. Are you seeing that that is the case that you get maybe people that have done a whole career before, but maybe did play music till now?

Absolutely. And I teach. I don't teach children. I only teach adults for. Yeah, I just connect with adults better on the violin. Yes. Yeah. And it's funny, someone.

The reason I had. I started my podcast was because one of my, um, one of my students, FIDDLE students, adult FIDDLE students, is a retired doctor. It was him that kind of persuaded me to do it. I said I was gonna. I was thinking about maybe writing a book on performance music, performance anxiety. And he said. I asked him to be my medical advisor and he said, oh, yeah, absolutely, no bother. And then he said, you know, but I think we would really benefit from a book on session etiquette.

Much better. And I said, no. Oh, my God, no way would I ever touch that subject. It's vile subject.

Now it's your website.

Now it's. Yeah, now it's everything. He kind of convinced me that, you know, the reason people are anxious and have, you know, have performance anxiety is because they don't know the rules. If they knew the rules would be much less anxious. So it was kind of his.

Yeah.

And at. At a session, there's a right moment to join in. How do you recognize that?

I think, as I mentioned first, I would always go maybe three or four times before I would join in, just so that.

And just don't even bring your instruments.

Yeah, just. You're going for a recce just to see is this. What kind of music do they play, what level do they play at? Because when you do want to join in, you don't want to join into something that maybe doesn't suit you, where maybe you don't know any of the tunes or maybe the level is too high or, you know, some sessions maybe are more of a slightly closed environment, as in it's maybe for very skilled level musicians and they just want to play really, you know, quite fast and they want to be challenged. So try and find the session that works for you if you're starting or, you know, and then you can grow up. You know, once you've kind of gone to that session that is. That fits you, and then you can say, well, there's another session now next month that. That will push me a bit more. Oh, I might go to that one as well.

So you go to that one. Then you start, you know, after a couple of times going to that, listening to it. Then you can start to take your instrument and, you know, to say, must be.

There must be online meetup groups that organize these things.

There are some. Yeah.

Like in the States. Would you say in the United States that's how people are finding them?

Yes, probably. There is a realist. That's a good question. Now I must find out.

You'll have to get back to us.

Yeah, yeah, I'll have to try and find. Because it would be so cool if I had a whole big list of sessions all around the world. But then they change everything.

Oh, yeah.

So regularly. But there are. I mean, there are 85 countries listening to my podcast, so it's crazy. Wow. Crazy. Yeah.

That's impressive. So, well, for all of our listeners, what advice would you give after an awkward first experience or even second?

Oh, it's so horrible when that happens. It's.

I'm sure you've had a few.

I have had a few. And I've. Sometimes I've been the giver of the awkward experience, and that's horrible as well. That's worse. That lives forever. The guilt of that lives forever.

Oh.

So I'm really trying to. One of the reasons the podcast is there is for me to try and learn how to do it as Constructively as possible and as gentle as possible. So, yeah, so I would advise person not to give up, but maybe to take the positive from it, to try and think about what the constructive feedback is rather than take it personally. It's not personal. None of the feedback that people give is personal or is meant as personal. Maybe people don't have the right words to convey what they're trying to say. And I think that's. It's the communication.

They just don't know what they're supposed to say because they feel so awkward, they don't want to say it and then they're anxious and then they have anxious behaviors then and they say the wrong words and it's like, oh, no. So, yeah, don't take it personally. But if, maybe if it's happening a few times and maybe somebody said them, have a look and see. What can I do better so that I could show up better the next time? Or how can I bring a, you know, a different energy or something the next time?

How does Irish music then, how Irish music culture, how does it connect generations?

Yeah, the sessions are great for connecting the intergenerations. As in, you know, you could have a session there, there maybe 5 year olds and 85 year olds in the same session. So that is really cool. It is a very intergenerational thing. It's lovely.

Yeah, that's beautiful.

Yeah. Anybody in between?

Yeah, so that'd be interesting because I. I think in the States I don't know that that can happen because the clubs don't let you bring kids in that are under 21 years old. Where there's. That's because there's alcohol, liquor being served

here. You're allowed it up till 9 o' clock in the evening or 9:30. So we do have kind of early sessions. And you know, it's the thing about the elders here and the Irish music sessions. They have so much knowledge and they've carried this music with them for years and years. They have so much to give. So, you know, if you get to hear an elder, it's like, wow, you know, they're really revered, which is kind of cool. Like one of my favorite.

Yeah, One of my favorite guys is. He's 84, I think. Yeah, he must be about 84 now. And he has huge hands. Like his fingers are one fingers about the size of three in my fingers. But yet he plays like really delicate fiddle music. Really delicate fiddle music. He's amazing.

And it was him that actually pushed me to, you know, you know, when you're Kind of unsure and you're not, you know, you're waiting for approval and you're still playing, but you're. You're. You know, you haven't really found you. You have your style, but you're not sure you should. That. That's right. And he just. After I released a CD with another musician, he put his arm around me, goes, tara, you know, it's time you started to enjoy your own music.

Oh, I mean, that just blew me away because I thought at first I was kind of like, oh, what does he mean? You know, does he think I'm not good enough or something? But then I had, you know, the feedback as well, the personal feedback. I took it a little bit kind of personally for a while, and then I was like, do you know, he was actually giving me some really, really valuable advice and I need to listen. And he was telling me that I was. He was giving me permission as an elder to. To just play the music that I played and not be worried about what other people thought of it.

And also, I would think he wouldn't give you that kind of advice if he didn't think you were good enough.

Yeah. Yeah.

So what have you learned about belonging through your work?

Well, I think it's very hard to enjoy yourself if you don't feel like you belong. If you feel like you're sitting on the outside and you're. You're kind of questioning whether you're wanted or you're needed or you're. And that that's a horrible place to live. And I. I wouldn't encourage. If somebody is in a session and that's how they feel, they need to find a new session. Absolutely.

Like, so if I go into a. There have been lots of sessions. We all have gone through this, and it doesn't stop just because you get more skilled. It's just a personality thing. I was in a session a couple of years ago, and they wanted a different person to be in the session. I had just jumped in and the other person said, no, no, you go in, you go in, you go in. And I thought, this is not going to be good if I'm going in instead of this person when everybody else wants that person. And so I jumped in and I was ignored for most of the session.

I was like, right, I'm out of here. I stayed for an hour, an hour. And I just said, I made my excuses. Oh, I have to rush away. I let the other person and I. But the other person didn't want to go in. And they were like, oh, no, you go in and. Oh, yeah.

So I knew that Friends, it's like people. Yeah, It's.

It's clicks of friends. If you don't feel you belong with them, then find another group.

Exactly. So don't force yourself of. You know, and they might be the best musicians and you. You might really want to get challenged that way. But it's. Life's too short. Ah, yeah. For me, it's too short.

Give us one simple step that's our listeners could take this week to bring some more music into their lives.

Oh, I think I might do this for myself, too. Somebody asked me to write down 10 tracks that. 10 tracks of music, or even, you know, it can be wider than tracks. It could be albums or genres of music that pinpointed different and really important changes in my life. And it was. It was a really interesting thing to do because I went back through all things. Like, this is what. You know, when I.

This is what happened. And this is the kind of soundtrack for that in my life. And that was the soundtrack when I. When I was doing this, this was the soundtrack for something else. And I just. You had to pick 10. And it was the most amazing thing that I've ever had to do. I loved it.

I think all our audience should be doing that.

Was that like, for a class or what did you. How did you.

It's actually for a podcast. It's for another podcast. Yeah.

So that's a great question.

Isn't that great?

Yeah, yeah. Give us one.

Yeah, I. I think of that a lot because I'm driving in the car and I'll put on kind of an open kind of Spotify list in my car. And so it's kind of switching a little bit and add. Every single song triggers a different memory, a different place you heard it, a different. And it takes you immediately into a different mood, a different atmosphere.

Yeah. And who you were with and what you were doing. Yeah.

I just talked to a neuroscientist earlier on, and she was a psychotherapist as well, and she said that music is one of the things that it's the only thing that activates your entire brain. Like, it's. When you. When you're listening to music, it. It. And. And I'm not mentioning, like, playing music, but listening to it. And it activates your.

Every. Everything in your whole. Your whole brain is activated. Whereas it's not the same if you're watching a film or reading a book or any of the other arts or dance. It's. It's Only to do with music. So it's a very, very powerful thing. I so could.

And like you, we all have the soundtracks for, you know, times where things were really tough and music got us through it, or when times were, you know, you were celebrating, it was the best thing ever. We all have those kind of times, and you just. That's the, you know, you have a track or you have an album or you have some sort of genre of music that goes that. That fits for that purpose, and it is so cool.

Like wedding songs or birthday songs or when you were. When you were 16 and.

Exactly. Yeah. And, you know, had a. A holiday romance or.

Oh, just a holiday.

A holiday romance.

What was your soundtrack to that?

Yeah. Yeah. Well, Tara. Tara, this has been such an enlightening conversation. Thank you. I'm going to actually think about the different soundtracks of my life and see where they take me.

Yeah. It's kind of been a roadmap for navigating connection with confidence and belonging, so it's beautiful.

I. I'm definitely going. It was only in the last couple of days that I've done it, so I thought, wow, I'm gonna spread. This is like spreading the love to spread the love around the world.

Oh, good. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, thank you so much. Thank you. And visit Session Etiquette to learn more.

Yeah.

And thanks for joining us today on Late Boomers. And please click subscribe on whatever platform you're listening on. Thank you.

Thank you so much, ladies.

Wonderful to have you and see you next time. For our Late Boomers audience.