We are deep in toddler bedtime stalling territory and if you’ve been here before, you know the pain.

Every night is a masterclass in negotiation.

And by “negotiation,” I mean manipulation, emotional warfare and being asked to read the same book 47 times while a tiny human practices their latest excuse for staying awake.

In this episode, I talk about the emotional toll of these bedtime marathons and why solo parenting makes it feel even heavier.

This podcast was recorded on the lands of the Wangal people, of the Eora Nation.

I pay my respects to Elders past and present.

EPISODE CREDITS:

Host: Rachel Corbett

Editing Assistance: Josh Newth

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Hello, welcome to the show today. I don't have a question.

I actually wanted to pick up on something that I mentioned briefly a few episodes ago and that I've been wanting to talk about since it began happening to me. And that is the concept of stalling. Holy hell, what a nightmare. I was unaware of this as a concept and still until it started happening to me.

And like so many things in this parenting universe, when things start happening and you start to Google them and you're like, oh, this is a thing that happens to, like, everybody, you know, because at the time you think, oh my God, what is going on? Why is this happening? And it's not even that the kind of thing happens to everyone. It's that the exact specific ways of things happening also happen.

I'll give you an example. The bedtime routine for me, I've spoken previously on an episode about sleep.

It has been the main, number one, top of the tree priority for me since having a child. I am lucky that my child has a temperament that, you know, responded well to sleep training and boundaries and those kinds of things.

I understand this isn't the way that happens for everybody, but I was really, really not strict, but firm about it. I didn't want my kid in my bed because I knew. Well, I didn't know. I was like, how do I get sleep when my kid is in my bed?

How am I ever going to get a wink of. I'm worried about rolling on her, on her, rolling off the bed.

That was not, for me, an option that felt like, okay, this is the way that I'm going to get rest. It just felt like, no, I'm never going to get rest. And it's just me by myself and I actually need to get some sleep.

So there's no way we're going to get into the bed. So I was really driven to get her to learn to sleep in her own bed. And did it take tears? Did it? Was it painful? Yes, it was.

Was she ever upset to the point of, like, being left in her room for three days? No, she wasn't. No, she wasn't. I've mentioned before this whole controlled crying thing. It gets a bad rap.

It's not about leaving your child in a room for three hours crying themselves to sleep. It's like a minute, you know? But I worked through all that and by the time she was eight months, she was sleeping through the night.

And so we have always had that and the whole process of the bedtime routine. We've had the same bedtime routine since she was like five weeks old.

Honestly, like when you're reading books to a blob and you're like, you don't even know what this is. Why am I doing this? But, you know, after you've done something for a year, it's so ingrained. So we have a bath and then we read our books.

And then when she started to brush her teeth, we start to brush our teeth. And so there was a whole process there. And it was always pretty simple to get her from one to the next.

We would finish the books, we would then get up, we would go to the bathroom, and all I had to do to get her to move on to the next thing was like, okay, let's go brush our teeth now. Until the twos hit and the stalling began. And I did not know what hellscape I was in because I was like, this is not how things roll.

What are we doing? And the first iteration of it was the books. I have a bookshelf full of books for her. We might have 100 in there.

And for a period of about three nights in a row, I was reading 30 to 40 books before she went to bed.

And when I tried to stop the book reading and to move on, the meltdowns were so intense that I would have to get to the point where I would read another one until I could kind of get her past that point and then move her in. The bedtime routines were going for an hour and a half to two hours. And I was like, what is happening through this period?

I was really mental breakdown prepared. I was on the cusp of it all going pear shaped. I was not handling it well.

It was really frustrating because for me, at the end of the day with my kid, the only constant and the only thing that gets me through is the knowledge that at a certain point when we move through the bedtime routine, I know that door is going to be shut. I'm pretty confident around what time it's going to be shut. And then I get peace. And then I can get space. Outside of that, I have no space.

I am with this kid all the time when I'm with her.

So when that got taken away from me, I really could not cope because I had no understanding of how long I was going to be doing this nighttime routine for what I was going to be in for. As soon as it began, I was like, what is this going to be? And every step of the process, I was fearful.

And I tell you, these little way holes can smell fear. As soon as they know you are in a rush and. And that you are fearful of taking a step wrong, then they are gonna slow right down.

And she smelled it all over me, and I was utterly at my wit's end. It was the books. Then we would get to the bed, and she would ask for a glass of water.

Now, the first night she did this, she never asked for a glass of water unless she's thirsty. In fact, she used to take her bottle to bed all the time. I would give her a full bottle of water, she'd drink it overnight.

And then we got to a point where literally having a meltdown. If I left the water bottle in her bedroom, I couldn't even be in her room. It had to be out. So I was like, okay, we're dealing with.

That's what we're dealing with. But she wanted a glass of what? She didn't want the water bottle in there, but she wanted a glass of water.

So I gave her a glass of water because I'm thinking, you're thirsty. So I give her a full bottle of water. She drinks that whole thing. Now she asked for another three more.

And in my head, I'm like, well, you must be thirsty. So I give her another three more.

Now, that goes on for a couple of nights to the point where I'm like, every morning we wake up, she's wet through an entire sleeping bag. Her PJs, the bed. I ran out of sleeping bags because I'm like, I can't dry these things quick enough.

We got nothing to sleep in because you're having five liters of water before we go to bed. Then the back and forth, the good night, the cuddle me, the walker. It was just exhausting.

And so I called a friend of mine who is a sleep consultant, and, you know, I was like, what is going on? I'm Googling it. And then, sure enough, you Google it and it. Oh, trying to read more books, asking for more glasses of water.

Literally, the exact things have happened for millennia, you know? So it's like all of a sudden, you're like, okay, this is something I can deal with. This.

One of the things that really kicked me over the edge in a bad way and made me feel terrible because honestly, through this process, I've talked a bit before, in an earlier episode about getting comfortable yelling. This was a yelling phase for me. There was a lot of yelling, a lot of yelling, and there were a couple of things about that that weren't great.

The first thing is a friend of mine sent me a message. When I explained what was happening to her and said, I'm absolutely at my wit's end. And it was from online pediatrician.

And she was talking about all of the exact things, the books, the water, everything, that this process of stalling and that it's about not wanting you to leave. And I felt like an absolute bag of dog poop. Because you have these things where you are interpreting this behavior and it's frustrating you.

And then somebody says to you, you do realize it's just because they're really sad to leave you, and that what you should be saying to them is, mummy's right here, and I'll be right by your side and I'll be fine thinking about you all night long. And you're like, I've done none of that. I just keep running in every time. She won't go to bed and go, what? What now? What now?

So then you read that and you feel utterly terrible, like you've now spent the last three to four nights making your child feel that you don't want to be with them. And then you're doing the backflips in your own, I'm a bad mother, and blah, blah, blah, blah.

I mean, the great thing about this is at least then you've got the tools to move forward and do it. But at the time that this is me reflected back kind of stuff, where you're, like, trying to deal with it.

You're, like, trying to work out what's going on. You don't realize at the time it's a toddler thing and that this is what they do. You just think, hang on a second.

My child is doing things, and it's really pissing me off, and I don't know how to get through the other side. And so you're just getting really frustrated. The second thing that really makes you feel bad is my daughter when I run back in the room.

And in those times, there are a few times where I would say, what? And she would go, I just love you. I'm an asshole. I'm an asshole. I love you, too. I love you, too.

All you want to do is tell me that you love you and me. And I've just walked in really frustrated because I'm like, why are you not asleep yet? Anyway, I got some really good tools.

I think the stuff around them wanting and needing you and actually you having to reassure them around, that was really good. Interestingly, one of the things that this doctor had said is that a picture of you and them together by their bedside can be really comforting.

And I had one beside our bedside, but she had broken. She'd pulled it off and broken the back of it. And so I put it in a drawer to fix the frame.

And it was just about the time that I removed that photo that this kind of behavior started to happen. So that got straight out of the draw and got stuck up on the wall.

And then I really started to lean into this idea of telling her, you know, I'm right outside. I love you so much. I'm. You know, and really reassuring and kind of explaining, you know, mommy's gonna pop you down and give you a papa pad.

And now I'm gonna. And so we've gone through various of this where I've had to kind of change my approach to how I do things.

Because naturally, you kind of move through one thing, and then the other thing, things change. And interestingly, you know, I just held firm on, no, we have one glass of water, and that's it. And that's fine.

I removed every single book we had, except for three, from the bookshelf. So now she asked me at bath time, what books have we got from the library?

And I go out and I change the books over, and I go, oh, my gosh, we've got these three books. And interestingly, I thought she'd have a real meltdown that all of the other books were gone, but she didn't.

I just said, oh, they're all at the library. And she took that, and I was like, okay, that's a win for me. You know those moments where you just like, have I done that? What? How did that work?

Okay, nobody say anything. Just keep moving. So I took all the books out. We. Now we still. We're like a.

Probably a good couple of months through this process, and we still only have three books in the bookshelf, the water. And then she started to change. Just recently, we got into a good rhythm with that.

I managed to tell her, come comfort her, tell her that I was right outside. And I managed to get out the room. And then she started stalling with cuddles. And that one gets you, because how can you say no to the cuddles?

Because you can say no to the water bottle, but you can't say no to the cuddles. So then I had to call up my sleep consultant friend again and say, what do I do here?

And she was saying that I need to just be like, we have one cuddle and one papa pat. And then Mummy says good night. And that has really been very helpful. So the first night I Made the mistake of sort of saying, oh, we'll have three.

And I was like, no, no, no, three. We're not having three of anything. We're gonna have one because we'll end up having three. But we're just gonna start with one.

So we have one cuddle, one papa pat on her bottom, one rub on her back, and then Mommy goes and says good night at the door. Now, the first night, we had to have about 50 cuddles, 50 papa pats, whatever. But eventually she does get to the point.

And every single time we did it, it's like, okay, but just one more time. I did actually make the mistake of one night. I tried to go firm on the 1, 1, 1.

And then when she said more, I was like, no, bubby, time to go to sleep now. And I shut the door and she was having none of it. She was up in her cot screaming, crying out for me. I rang the sleep consultant.

I said, I've done this. It's. I'm trying to maintain the boundary. She's like, probably a bit firm. Probably. You need to go in there.

She's probably not settled yet, so probably would need to go back in this. I was like, okay, all right. Sorry. I'm trying to.

I'm trying to get the balance here and work out, like, what is holding the boundary, what is being a pushover, but what is also giving the love. So then I went in. Now we're in a good rhythm. We might need to do two or three cuddles. It's totally fine.

But every time we do it, I always say to her, we're just gonna have one more pat, pat, pat, and one more.

And, you know, nighttime routine's taking 30 minutes in the bedroom now, but that's okay, because by the time we get to it, she's not screaming when I close the door, she's saying, bye, bye. I'll often go to the door and I say, okay, good night, Bobby. I love you so much. And then she goes, one more cuddle.

And she'll cover her eyes because she knows that she's asked for something that she's. That's a bit naughty, even though cuddle's not naughty. And so I'll go back over and she goes, just one more, just one more. So she kind of gets it.

And then you're just like, you get it? Yeah, just one more. And then I papa pat you, and then I rub you back. And then I say good night.

And it's interesting when you have these routines in place. The other night she woke up at 3:30 in the morning. She never does that. And she was up, she was standing up, calling out for me to come and get her.

So I'm like, okay. When she stands up in a cotton, she's calling out, she wants me in there. So I went in there and I was like, we are absolutely not getting up.

There is no way you're coming into my bed. Because as soon as you come into your bed, my bed, you're of the age that you're like, oh, this is now an option. So we're not doing that.

So I'm just going to take this routine from whatever time, 7 o' clock, and I'm going to put it in at 3:30 and I'm going to explain to her it's nine eyes time, it's bedtime, it's nighttime, we don't wake up yet. I'm going to give you a cuddle and then I'm going to pat, pat, pat on your bottom and rub your, your back.

And it took three or four rounds of that kind of process, but she understood it and knows okay. And then she went back to sleep and slept till the morning. And I just walked out of that room and thought, oh my God, I did it.

But that's when the routine really serves you well. Like it's so hard when you're trying to put it in place and you're trying to maintain the boundaries if they're trying to push against you.

But when a bind and you need works and it can really save you. So yeah, the stalling has been an utter punish.

Gosh, that couple I think it probably was ended up being a week and a half or I honestly thought that would, this was the end of me. I, I don't know how I'm going to get through any more of this parenting business. I give up. I hand in my keys.

I'm actually just going to pack the car and whiz out of here and go somewhere. I just thought this is absolutely unsustainable. Ah, but then you come through it, don't you? And then something else crops up.

But yeah, if any of those things happen to you, just know it's, that's just what it is. And don't be me who then goes through the process of just getting the shits with it heaps.

And then when they see what it's really about, they're like, oh my God, she just wanted me to be with her. Oh, I feel so bad. Oh God, 99% of this parenting stuff is just feeling bad. About yourself and then trying to just fix all the mistakes.

It's just relentless. Anyway, that wasn't there wasn't a question today. That was just me wanting to share that because, honestly, it just was so fundamentally frustrating.

And if there's any of those kind of things that you can see when you come across them, that can make you think, okay, this isn't forever. This isn't a fundamental change.

You get those hundred books out of your bookshelf, you refuse to give the 45th glass of water, and you just make sure that you are consistent at the end, and you will get through it. I promise you, you will be okay. Thanks so much for listening.

If you've got a question that you would like for me to answer on this show, just head to the description and you can click on the link and I will see you next week.