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Creating Yourself Without Should
Episode 1337th November 2022 • Lets Be Honest Before We Start Pretending • Kelly Mobeck
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How many times do you decide to do something because someone told you that you should?  I think often people have positive intent when they drop in what “we should be doing” and yet check in with yourself to be clear it is in alignment with what you truly want.  Welcome to the month long series on taking the lead in your life without the “should” of it all.  

Here are the highlights from this episode:

(03:01) The ‘should’ series

(08:59) Take should out of your vocabulary!

(12:53) The anchors in your life will drag you down

(21:44) The big hairy, scary goals

As mentioned in this episode:

Share your Curiosity Challenges, learnings, and any questions here!

Episode 115 Don’t Should on Yourself

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Hey everyone. I'm Kelly Moak, a coach and a leadership trainer, and I'm super passionate about helping you find out who you are authentically as a leader, own it, and go out and make an impact in your life and the lives of others. This world needs your leadership, your gifts, your unique brilliance, and I believe that real leaders don't wait.

They create, I know firsthand that life is gonna throw us curve. That we're gonna doubt our greatness, our ideas, and our contributions. And my goal is that you believe in yourself beyond reason. And I get to be a coach and a champion for you each week so that you feel inspired, motivated, and most important in action toward your unique impact in this world.

So let's jump in. Hey there everyone. It's Coach Kelly. Welcome to episode 1 33 of, Let's be Honest, before we start pretending. Hello. Welcome. We had so much fun in October. It was so great to have guests back. We learned a ton from April. April Lichens and Gia Halwig. Did you guys love it? Did you learn something?

on. You want us to take on in:

So please let me know if. Anything you really wanna hear and you want covered, or if there's like someone that you think would be an amazing guest that you want me to bring on, let me know. Let me know. I'm gonna drop that. You can, You can literally go to the show notes and hit. Curiosity challenges that link, and it will open up a recording thing and you can just tell me, tell me what you want, what you really, really want.

Holy moly. Two more months in:

On what I call, I don't know if you all could just hear that, but this plane just went over the, the house or something. It sounded super loud. I don't know if you can hear it, but there you go. A plane just went over the house. I am rambling. I am rambling and you're gonna know why in just a second. Because we are gonna start what I call the should series for the month of November, and we are going to talk about things.

Creating yourself without the shoulds. We're gonna talk about downtime and managing yourself without the shoulds. We're gonna talk about the holidays without the shoulds, and we're gonna talk about next year's success without the shoulds. That's where we're going in the month of November, and I'm super, super, super excited.

Now you might have heard me say, I'm rambling and I'm gonna tell you why in just a minute. I don't know what happened because I already know. I know. I'm excited about the should series. I'm excited about what we're gonna talk about. And do you ever have moments where you are excited about something but you just don't feel like.

Do you, Do you ever, And holy moly, I was giggling a little bit to myself cuz I thought, isn't that funny? I keep saying to myself like, all day I've been going, You should go record the podcast episodes that you've laid out for November because you were so ahead of the game through the summer and all the way through October.

And you know what, it's November 1st. and the first episode in November is gonna drop next Monday. You've gotta get this to the production team. In fact, by like yesterday, would've been a good idea. You really should get off your tookus and go record. That podcast. And what if, like, what's wrong with you?

Why have you been taking so long? Like, it's a pretty good series. Like it's, it's people, People get to hear about this. It's gonna really be so useful. You should go do that. Okay. Let me tell you something we never really operate from should It is literally right now, 4 0 8 Pacific Standard time on November 1st.

That's Tuesday. Typically, if I'm not in batching mode, I will have a podcast to the production. Literally yesterday, the Monday before it's gonna release is, is that like last, you know, that's like my, my deadline, right? It is. Sometimes things happen, It doesn't always happen that way. And like I've known November's coming for time now.

I've known what we were gonna talk about for a long time now, and yet for some reason, like getting on the mic just wasn't happening. And I'll tell you what. It's because I was shooting on myself like, You should be doing this. You've got some extra time. Like get that batching done. You know, you always feel great.

That's true. That's all a true story. And yet nothing happens from the place of should because here's the thing. Yes, we use that word a lot out there in the world. And there is an episode, I will link it in the show notes. Um, the shoulds of our life that I did, I, maybe it was in September, it could have been in August in this particular moment, I don't remember, but I will link it in the show notes so that you guys have it and we can, you can go back and listen to it because we dive into shoulds and where they come from and all of that.

And so just as a reminder, Should is often tied to guilt. It's tied to shame. And notice what you were hearing from me. Like I was really shooting on myself, like even asking myself, What's wrong with me? Well, nothing's wrong with me, . There's really nothing wrong with me. I just wasn't feeling. Like pulling out the podcast equipment, setting it up and talking.

Can you imagine? I'm a talker. And I just was like, Man, I don't know. And it's not that it's doesn't that I don't believe in what I'm talking about. I just wasn't there. I wasn't there Now. If I go down the road of like, What's wrong with you? Why aren't you getting it done? You've promised a podcast every single week, what's go like, that's not gonna solve anything that's actually gonna make me not wanna do it at all anymore, ever again.

Right? And so, Because what's happening is there's a level of shame, there's a level of guilt. There's like, did you not plan your time better? Remember last week when we had GIA on and she was talking about calendar integrity and booking yourself and all the things. Listen, best plans, right? Best plans. And sometimes, sometimes we just gotta take a step.

That's all. Sometimes we just gotta take a step back. Now, I'll tell you what compelled me. I'll tell you what compelled me at 4 0 8 on a Tuesday to go ahead and record this podcast because I've promised all of you all that there's gonna be a podcast every single week. Every single week, and I really do take my promises seriously.

Sometimes they show up in the form of revisiting a podcast episode, and I fully think that's okay because it's super useful and often can set a tone for. What I'm setting up. And um, and that's okay. And I looked, I took a look, I'm like, is there anything I wanna rerun? Anything like that? And I thought, Nah, I've got this cool idea in mind.

Cause we're gonna talk about not shooting on ourselves. We're gonna talk about creating ourselves without the shoulds. Okay. So I thought it was hilarious that I was really going down that road of shoulds as I'm about to move into the should series. I'm telling you, there are no accidents. This is the way it.

This is the way it works. So a should is something we think we've gotta do, or we've gotta. Or we've gotta have, right? Like they, they, we, we've literally grown up in this. If we could eradicate the word should out of our vocabulary, I'd be so happy to do that. And I think sometimes should, eh, you know, it makes sense like, you know, I'm not gonna go there cuz that's all we're gonna talk about today.

So Should, when we're talking about in the context of it's something. Is tied to maybe some shame or some guilt, or it's tied to something that's completely not in alignment with where I'm going. Okay. Not in alignment with my values, not in alignment with my purpose. That's the should that I'm talking about.

Okay. And it starts at a very young age. Like we are literally taught you should. Graduate high school, you should go to college. You should get a great job. You should get married, you should have kids. I'm just giving like a very just sort of generic example that many, many people have heard in their lives and like then these shoulds become the rules.

They become like, this is what we're supposed to do, and we start painting pictures on what that looks like. Okay. It's one of the reasons. I think sometimes like heading into college where there's so much pressure on what you should declare as your major and do it, do it now, and then go get that job now, and then later on in life, somewhere in midlife, suddenly we start looking at finding ourself.

It could be midlife, it could be a little bit later than that. Like somewhere along the way I lost myself. All of you moms out there, do you ever feel that like you've had some children and now all of a sudden you should be the best mom on the planet, and somewhere along the way you lost yourself a little bit.

Okay? It happens. I'll never forget having kids and my husband. Saying to me one day, and this was not, he wasn't being mean or anything. So about what I'm about to tell you came from pure love. But he is like, you have gotten so serious and like you're not that much fun anymore. And now you know, I was in this place of, do you know what responsibilities I have?

Raising humans, as if I was doing that by myself. By the way, Aha was not okay, and so he was right. Somewhere along the way, the shoulds got in the way on like what kind of parent should be or what that all means and all of that. Okay, so. Here's what I want you to know it. As we get older, then it starts to creep in for some, not everyone, but for a lot of people.

And how do I know this? Because I work with people, so I hear it all the time that suddenly. I have like this hung, you know, like this craving to find myself. I'm lost. Okay? Here's what I always say to that. You don't really need to find yourself. Go look in the mirror. You're right there. You're here. You're right there.

If you want change within yourself or your. Let's get down to creating that. I cannot tell you how many times, like I gotta find myself. Nope, you're here. You're right here. It sounds like you want something different, and it's time to go ahead and start creating that. What we've gotta remove are the shoulds of our life, right?

We've gotta remove those and really getting down to what is it you actually desire? Okay? What do you actually. Now, why do we care about this? Because those shoulds get so attached to us. They're just like, think of it as like these anchors that are kind of sinking us down to the bottom of an abyss. Okay?

And that abyss is like, ho hum. Ho hum, ho hum. You know, and they're just like the, it just, it just sinks us. Okay? So why do we care? We gotta stop and, and like release the anchors. , let them go so that we can float. Okay, This is getting a little weird, right? But, so we can float around in the abyss and start looking around and seeing what is it that I actually.

you know, and, and for a lot of us, we didn't necessarily have that permission. And I think that it comes from positive intent because, you know, our parents want us to have good lives and, you know, there are certain things that society dictates that should, there's that word again, have us have a good life, Okay.

Versus. I get to decide what I desire and what I want my life to look like, and I get to decide what that is despite what anybody else thinks. Okay? And so desire, by the way, doesn't have to be this giant thing. It could be something like, Man, you know what? Today sounds really good for breakfast. Some avocado toast.

Oh, actually that sounds really good. I might have that tomorrow morning. Some avocado toast, you know, could be a desire for the day. Writing a book could be the desire for the day. Cleaning your closet could be the desire for the day. Like, it, it, it, it's, there's no big or small desire. It's desire and so sometimes we make it so incredibly significant that we will revert to the should.

I would love to have that in my life, and I should be grateful for what I have right now. Now, do we get to be grateful for what we have right now? You bet. Absolutely. In fact, I highly encourage it, but please don't do that from a should. That is very unempowering and very uninspiring. Okay, so the thing that I wanna say about where we're headed in this month of November is really working to let go of these shoulds as you begin to create.

Your next levels, your desires, the things that you want in your life so that you can take the lead in creating that. All right. I will tell you something. If you have an aspiration to create, if you aspire to create, you will create. Is it going to be easy all the time? Heck no. Is it gonna be hard all the time?

Heck no. Is it gonna feel like you are sometimes pushing a boulder up a hill? Yes. Sometimes. Is it gonna feel like you're in the zone and like just this is easy because I said so? Yes. Sometimes all of that is gonna occur. Okay. If you have the aspiration to create, That's what matters. Okay? Not what you think you should or what others think you.

Okay. And man, do I see that out there in the world and out there so much with people that I get to work with all the time, or even, you know, with colleagues and friends, I see it all too often. And I wanna give you permission today at 4 21 Pacific Standard. On a Tuesday, November 1st, you're listening to this the week of November 8th or beyond, depending on when you started listening to this.

But right now, right here, I wanna give you that permission to really explore what you desire in your life and to really move into aspiring to create that and letting go of the should. Okay, because results are sweet when they're the results that we say we want, right? Those are sweet. You know, anytime you've created something and you've hit that result, it feels good.

Like the results that you want. Those are the ones I'm talking about. It feels so good, doesn't it? I mean, it's the best. And then what happens? We move on. And so that feeling. Is there in that moment of hitting that completion and creating that result, and it feels good, and then life goes on. And so what you really wanna lean into is, what am I learning along the way?

That's the platinum. The result is gold. The results are gold. Like it's golden. It feels good, right? That's why probably there's a gold medal. There's bronze, silver, and gold in the Olympics. Oh, it feels good to metal, bronze, silver, or gold. And truly what's platinum is the learning that you are creating along the way.

Seriously. That's the thing that you can always tap back into. To have that feeling of I can create from my desire versus what anyone thinks I should. I'm gonna tell you something, It takes practice, okay? I've shared with you all that I have a tendency to be a people pleaser. I have a tendency to please.

Now, as soon as I got really clear about what's really behind all of that, I got to the business about creating more from my desire. Versus what I think I should be doing because somebody else thinks that would be good for me, or it's some like, You should go to this because. It'll be so fun versus is that really an alignment with what I want to, where I wanna be in my life or what I'm up to?

the things that I aspire to.:

I'm not gonna dive into that now. I am so incredibly crystal clear that health is going to be the core. That is, you know, if you think of a wheel, it's gonna be like right in the center, and then those spokes are just gonna go out from there. And I can't even imagine how awesome it's gonna be. Actually, I can't imagine it.

ng. Now, I'm not waiting till:

It's gonna be horrifying, it's gonna be scary, it's gonna be exhilarating, all the things. And I am here for it. And I'm here for it because. What's happening is letting go of a lot of shoulds, which I will talk more about along the journey. You'll hear I, I'm very transparent with y'all, so you'll hear more about it.

It's letting go of a lot of the shoulds and really leaning into the desires and what I aspire to create because there is no finding myself. It's creating who I'm being, where I'm contributing, what I'm doing, and what I'm gonna have in my life. That's what I'm up to. Okay. And so that's why we're gonna talk this month so much about releasing the shoulds and creating yourself, whatever that looks like to you.

Now, here's what I want you to know. Those big, hairy, scary goals. Yeah, you gotta have those. I want you to know you're not gonna hit all of them, and that's okay. You're gonna hit some of. And some of them you're not. But the great news about that is that you are completely stretching outside your comfort zone, that you are really leaning into next level and things like that.

And that kind of move in life is what helps you stay in desire and aspiration. So I'm not here telling you, you should set up big, hairy, scary goals. I'm not telling you you should. I'm telling you that they live in the land of desire and aspiration, the big hair, scary goals, and detaching from the outcome and committing to what you're learning.

And the journey along the way is where the sweet spots. That's where the sweet spots lie. So we're gonna take this on. I'm pretty darn excited about November and removing shoulds around things like we just did today. Creating yourself, taking some downtime and managing. Managing yourself without the should holidays, without the shoulds.

Ooh, this is gonna be so fun. And creating next year's success. Without the shoulds, that's gonna be amazing. December, we're gonna move into creativity. Woo. It's gonna be good. So we are gonna end this year strong, and we're gonna end it strong based on what you desire, what you aspire, what you say is strong and not what others think.

Should strong look. Say that five times fast. Okay? So hang in there with me. It's going to be amazing. I am really, really, really excited about this series that we're taking on, and I am here for it. And you all along the way, let's do this. Thank you. Remember you guys, we have choices to lead our life or follow our circumstances or the shoulds of our life.

And life is really about knowing what we desire, what we aspire. What our passions are that are tied to our purpose and our values in really creating that impact in our life and in the lives of others. That's what it's about. So that's what we're up to. More always gets revealed. That's why I always say commit to the journey versus the outcome.

Truly more gets revealed. So remember, take, pause, let go of worry. Let go of doubt and live fully the best version of yourself. Thank you for listening today. I am excited about it. These topics make me, Nervous. They make me nervous and that's a good thing cuz I really care whenever the nerves show up. I know, it's cuz I really care.

And maybe just, maybe that's why I was procrastinate a little bit on the November podcast. I don't know. Because any time we take a topic on, I dig pretty deep into it. And you better believe more always gets revealed. So let's do this together. Thanks again for listening today. I know there's great value for you as you move through your day, move through your week, move through your month, taking the lead in your life.

So please have a great week ahead and you know the deal. If it's not shaping up the way you want it to take the lead and create a fantastic one. I will talk with you all next week as we have a little chat about downtime without the shoulds. Take care everyone. Thanks for listening to another episode of, Let's Be Honest, Before we start pretending.

For more resources on taking the lead in your life, head over to kelly j and connect with me on Instagram at Coach Kelly moc. If this episode was helpful for you, please feel free to share it with friends. Rate and review it on iTunes. That's Apple Podcasts now, and at any time, feel free to connect with me and let me know what you want to hear next or what you're working on.

I'm happy to help. Thanks again for listening, and here's to you taking the lead in your life.