82% of the men in my current Holy Desires class are dealing with some kind of difference in desire with their wives. If you are in that 82%, brother, you are in good company. I want you to know that there is real hope here.

In this conversation, I'll share the four lenses I use to understand what's actually going on underneath low or mismatched desire: 1) the quality of your relationship, 2) wounds from the past, 3) physical and mental stress, and 4) satisfaction with sex itself.

Then we’ll dive into that first category. It’s the one that is easy to overlook for many of us! I'll share why you need to prioritize your marriage and what that looks like, practically speaking. You’ll hear a jolt of inspiration, too, with a reminder of how your marriage is your pathway to heaven.

Grab a cup of coffee and let's talk about it.

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Differences in desire is a big issue for married couples.

Let me share a few current statistics from my class, Holy Desires.

So Holy Desires is for men who wish to create a more mutually satisfying and fulfilling sex life with their wives, the Catholic couples.

So when the class begins, I present a series of common issues that men commonly struggle with in the bedroom with their wives.

And I asked them to identify which one applies to them.

So one of them is, my wife has little or no desire for sex.

This is the single highest response.

The most men choose this single item.

64% Of men select this.

Then there's another one.

I have less desire than my wife does.

An additional 18% of men check that.

So add those two numbers up, you get a whopping 82% of the current class struggling with a difference in desire in one direction or the other.

This really is not just a big issue.

It's the biggest issue that I see working with men in the area of physical intimacy in their marriage.

So as I work with men to cultivate a mutually satisfying sex life with their wives, I've come to think that the reasons for low desire fall into four categories.

I'm going to share those with you quickly.

So the first category is the quality of the relationship.

Sex is a reflection of the love and connection that you share.

That is Catholic teaching.

Solid Catholic teaching.

Let me share from the catechism.

The catechism says, quote, in marriage, the physical intimacy of the spouses becomes a sign and pledge of the spiritual communion of the spouses.

It also says that sex is realized in a truly human way only if it is an integral part of the love by which a man and woman commit themselves totally to one another until death.

It also says sex fosters the self giving that they signify, that it signifies.

It is beautiful.

You should go read it.

So if the love and connection with your wife isn't strong, warm and thriving, then it's reasonable that her desire, or your desire to express that love physically through sex will also diminish.

Right?

That just makes sense.

If we see it in this light, and that is the light of faith.

That's the light that we should be seeing it in.

So the quality of your relationship, that's the first category for how to understand low desire, or what could possibly be one of the causes underneath that low desire.

What is the quality of your relationship?

Number two, Wounds from the past.

Now, this can include really heavy things like past trauma or abuse.

These things definitely need and deserve healing and probably need the compassionate care of professionals to facilitate that healing.

If this is something in your wife's past or in your past, don't hesitate to seek that healing.

Seek out good counselors, seek out good spiritual directors.

Seek out whatever healing, whatever accompaniment, whatever support you or she needs to get through that, because that's going to help.

Healing from these things in our past will not.

It's not just to help your sex life.

I mean, that is a nice benefit, but really it's to help your entire life, right?

That healing will flow into all areas of your life when you can work through those wounds from the past.

So wounds from the past, it can include those big, heavy things.

It can also include things like deeply held false beliefs about sex.

If we or our wives believe deep down that sex isn't really holy, or that it's dirty, or that it's just not good to enjoy sex, good girls don't really enjoy sex.

Good women, that's not what good women do, or good men.

That's going to put quite a damper on desire for sex in the first place, don't you think?

So these false beliefs mindset, how we really, deep down think about and what we believe about sex has a really big impact on our desire and our experience of sex itself.

All right, that's number two, the past.

Number three, physical and mental stress.

So any parent of young children can probably relate to this immediately.

But it's not just parenting with all the demands that come with it in its various seasons.

I have five children, two are in college and my youngest is six.

I'm well acquainted with many of the seasons of parenting, and it can definitely be a doozy.

But physical and mental stress, yes, that's a huge one for many of us.

It's also things like really demanding job, financial stress, of caregiving for elderly parents.

Lack of sleep is a huge player here.

And lack of sleep can be from over commitment.

It can be from children not sleeping well.

It can be like lots of reasons why lack of sleep might be there.

But lack of sleep is definitely a cause of mental and physical stress.

And all types of stress are recognized as one of the biggest killers of desire.

Chronic stress can chronically depress desire for sex.

So look at your, at your lifestyle and see, like, if this is a significant issue.

Try to get creative.

I have entire podcasts about that.

Okay, number four, satisfaction with sex itself.

Finally, if we desire for our wives to desire sex.

If we desire for them to desire us sexually and if we ourselves want to desire it, it has to be desirable, right?

Has to be enjoyable.

Is it enjoyable?

Is it mutually fulfilling for both of you?

This is where technique and practical advice for the bedroom makes a difference as men.

Learning to slow down, slow way down.

Learning to attend to our wives enjoyment and our wives pleasure.

Learning how to touch her.

How to work together to create a beautiful and mutual experience together.

This is all important.

Here's the thought experiment.

Would you desire something that you didn't enjoy?

Probably not.

Like who?

Who would, who would desire to do something that's not enjoyable?

That's just common sense, right?

I mean, if you don't like playing golf, you're probably not going to desire to go play golf.

So ask yourself, does your wife enjoy making love?

Maybe this is an area where you can grow.

So all four of these categories are really important.

The quality of the relationship, wounds from the past, physical and mental stress, and satisfaction with sex itself.

These are all really important.

But there is one I think that is especially important for many men.

And for many men it's.

It's unfortunately easy to overlook.

Generally speaking, men have a natural gift of being more single minded.

We can focus on one thing at a time.

That is a gift indeed.

But sometimes it means we can tend to compartmentalize different parts of our lives.

Sex is one thing.

Connection with my wife is something else.

That is a mistake.

The quality of your marriage is directly relevant to the quality of your physical intimacy with your wife.

Of course there are other factors.

We just went through four big categories, right?

But if your marriage is suffering, if your marriage lacks the warmth, the connection, the intimacy, emotional intimacy that it should have, then your sex life will suffer along with it.

Let me share one more stat for my Holy Desires class.

Remember that 82% of men reported some difference in desire.

Well, 89% of men signaled that their connection with their wives could be stronger.

That it wasn't as strong as they would like.

I don't think it's a coincidence that those two numbers are so close.

Close.

There is a direct relationship between the quality of your relationship with your wife and the quality of your physical expression of that relationship.

So how do you rebuild a relationship with your wife?

How do you cultivate that love and connection?

It is possible.

Even if there's a lot of water under the bridge, even if there's many years of drifting apart, it is possible.

As men, as husbands, we do have a call to leadership.

And this is what it looks like in marriage, it looks like not blaming all of our problems on our wives.

My wife is not the only problem here.

Recognizing that I have a role, recognizing my part of whatever dynamics have developed in our marriage that are less than loving.

I have a role to play here, and I have some responsibility to take here.

Leadership looks like being humble enough to recognize that there are things I can do to change as a husband to make our marriage better.

It looks like seeking out help and learning new things.

It looks like making your marriage a priority because your marriage is, in fact, your vocation.

What that means is it is the way that God has called you specifically to serve him in this life.

It is your pathway to heaven.

So hear me, Neil.

When you die, God is going to judge you on how well you conducted yourself.

In a general way, yes, absolutely.

But he is going to ask you specifically, how well did you accomplish the mission that I assigned to you?

And if your response to that is, what mission?

That's a problem.

That's going to be a problem.

Your mission is your marriage.

How well did you live out your marriage?

That is your mission.

How well did you love your wife?

How well did you love your children?

That's your mission.

So your marriage has eternal significance.

God's not going to ask you about your retirement accounts or your career.

Good things can happen through, you know, your career.

All of your life matters.

All of your life can be meritorious, right?

But there is an ordering.

And the ordering is defined by our vocation.

And our vocation as married men, as husbands, clearly shows us that our number one priority is to love and serve our wives and our children.

So your marriage has eternal significance to you, to your wife, and to your children, to your kids.

So how do you do this?

What does prioritizing your marriage even look like?

Practically speaking, many of us sacrifice so that we can provide for our families.

And that is a huge gift to our wives and children to give them stability.

That is huge.

But we, our wives need more than just financial stability.

Our wives need us.

They need our hearts.

They need us.

So what does that look like?

And how does this prioritization look like?

Practically speaking, it means being willing to give time and money to it.

Right?

Let's get real practical.

What is a priority?

A priority is how you spend your limited resources.

If you have limited resources, the way that you allocate those is a reflection of your priorities.

So real simply show me your calendar, show me your bank statements, your financial statements, and then I will tell you what your priorities are.

You don't have to Tell me what your priorities are.

Just show me what you actually spend your time and money on.

And that is a reflection of your real priorities, not what you say are your priorities, but your real ones.

Right, Right.

So how much time are we giving to our wives?

How much money are we spending?

Like, are we willing to spend money on experiences with her?

Are we willing to go on dates?

Are we willing to go on a retreat with her?

Are we willing to support her healing, for example, from past issues that she might need healing with?

Are we willing to support her well being and therefore support her and, and, and help our marriage in that way?

Because the more we are both healed and whole, the more vibrant our marriage can be.

So spend, you know, spending time with your wife and being willing to spend finding real financial resources on your marriage.

It can look like learning new things.

Read or listen to a book on marriage, learn new skills, Spend money on a retreat, go on a retreat.

Or if you can't do a retreat, you know, in a retreat house or something like that, do a marriage program.

I'll give you one example or one suggestion.

My wife Sarah and I have been working with couples for decades and we created a one of a kind program called Abundant, which is online so you don't have to be near the retreat center to do it.

What makes it unique is that it starts by giving you practical skills and strategies for reconnecting with each other and then moves on dealing with the issues.

A therapeutic model just says, what are the issues?

Let's deal with the issues.

That's kind of backwards.

What we feel you need and what couples have told us makes this program so powerful is that we help you reconnect, we help you foster the love that you shared with each other, the why you got married in the first place.

Then once you're in love, like once you've learned to reconnect and rekindle that affection and that love for each other and the connection, then it's a lot easier to deal with the issues.

So dealing with differences or disagreements is a whole lot easier when your relationship is warm and loving than if you're distant and cold.

That just kind of makes sense, right?

So that's the order.

Will this, you know, reflect and help you with your physical intimacy as well?

If this is a problem area, then yeah, it can absolutely have that benefit.

But don't do it just for that.

Do it because your marriage is worth it.

Do it because your wife is worth it.

And it will bear fruit in so many ways throughout your life.

Your wife's life.

Your marriage, your family, for your children.

It'll bear fruit in all of these areas and ripple out beyond your family as well.

That's why you should do this.

Because, like I said, it's your vocation.

So, till next time, remember, your marriage is the most important thing you'll ever do in this life.

Focus on it.

Prioritize it.

Even if you don't do our program, focus on your marriage.

Prioritize it.

And until next time, St. Michael, pray for us.