In this segment, We discuss how questionable grief decisions often come from seeking comfort and why it is vital to prioritize self-care and set healthy boundaries. I, Story, and my guest Nikia describe choices like seeking sex, trying to conceive, or isolating and crying alone as ways people try to cope. We pull cards that advise recognizing signs to prioritize yourself, using beauty therapy to feel grounded, and embracing yourself without long explanations. I emphasize that grief is not short and that protecting your mental health helps resist burnout. We invite listeners to be gentle with themselves, to seek community, and to hold gratitude alongside grief.

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Sponsorship for The Upside to Grief

Mady's Tattoos Madys tattoos is based out of mission beach California where She specializes in Japanese traditional , black and grey , photography, art, and media. Mady believes that tattoos can be more than art, they are milestones, memories, and reminders of how far you’ve come. To learn more or book a session you can find her on instagram at madys_tattoos. Azadi Healing Azadi — which is FARSI for freedom — empowers individuals and communities through trauma-informed care and events such as nervous system regulation, reiki, sound healing, breathwork facilitation and more. Whether you're exploring healing or navigating grief, Azadi Healing offers a sacred space to come home to yourself and find your center. Remember that you’re never alone on this journey. Visit azadihealing.com

Hello, human collective.

Welcome to the Upside to Grief.

My name is Story, and I am your host.

And this week we are welcoming back on my good friend Nakia.

Thank you so much for coming back on.

Thank you for having me.

Of course, we are going to be doing one of our segments, and Nakia has chosen to do questionable grief decisions.

And then also we're going to pull a card as well, just for fun, because it's cards.

Yeah.

So questionable grief decisions, aka QDs, are essentially.

They're going to be the decisions that you make in the grief of your fog that maybe at the time you don't realize, like, oh, maybe I shouldn't be doing this.

But then, like, looking back on it, you're kind of like, okay, maybe I shouldn't have been doing that, and it's kind of hard to see.

Or maybe you do know that you shouldn't be doing it at the time, but you just choose to, I guess, not care or you think that, like, that is what you need in that moment.

I know for me, this was the segment that I chose to do after my first chapter.

After chapter one.

I mean, I tried to conceive a child with somebody, like, full force.

And, like, during it, like, I really did think that that was what I needed.

Like, I fully believed that.

Like, I was like, I need a baby.

You know, looking back on it, I'm glad that it didn't happen, but it was a part of my process.

And I feel like sometimes these things are like.

I feel like grief's already treated like taboo sometimes, and then this is just, like, an extra step further down that path.

So it's not things that people talk about very often.

So I'm always, like, grateful to help shed light on some of the different things that we all do as humans, so that it.

It feels less isolating for other people who are experiencing it, too, that aren't hearing other people share about these types of things, you know?

Oh, yeah, definitely.

Yeah, I hear you right there.

Trying to conceive a child, I mean, it makes sense, right?

Like, you lose your loved one and you want a family.

You want to be whole.

Like, you want to have control over something that you're not going to lose, that's not going to be taken away from you like, that you can't control, you know, like, you're just.

They're not going to just disappear.

So I could see that 100%.

That's only natural.

I think it's like our primate response, especially as women, and be, like, nurturing, you know, that Makes so sense.

It's, like, probably the most normal response I would really think to, like, if you really get real and grounded with yourself in the earth and, like, how the world works in biology, like, of course, yeah, that's what you should want to do.

It would make sense.

I think I agree with that.

Like, for me, is sex.

Like, I lost a friend in college.

He.

I was trying to be, like, a good student this semester.

I was going to be a good student, let's say.

And.

And I was like, okay, I'm gonna start my homework.

It was the first week, and he had sent me a text message, like, hey, Nakia, I wanna come over.

We're gonna party, maybe do some drugs, like, so to speak.

And I'm like, no, I'm actually gonna stay in, do my homework and try to do the semester differently.

Well, the next day, I got a text message saying that they found him on the floor and he had overdosed from fentanyl.

Shit.

Yeah.

It was heavy.

And, you know, I felt a lot of guilt for a little bit that, like, I could have prevented it had I been there, or maybe I could have saved him or called an ambulance.

You know, this was, like, before fentanyl epidemic was going on, and it was prevalent.

Okay.

Yeah.

So, like, way before.

Yeah.

And it was a fentanyl patch, so it's been going on, you know.

But what I ended up doing is, you know, like, him and I had, like, a very sacred bond that wasn't, like, sexually intimate, where we just, like, cuddle and snuggle.

And his roommate, his best friend, knew that.

And so, like, within the following week, I was already sleeping with him.

I was having sex with him, you know, like, he was over every single night in my bed.

I was losing track of my studies, but really, like, I found solitude in sex.

Mm.

And that almost happened as well.

So when I lost my great grandmother, I was in a new relationship.

Well, I mean, a couple months at this time.

And, you know, I was really trying to hold out for this person.

I wanted to make a difference in my life, you know, being in recovery.

I wanted to start something new.

So I did want to save myself from my life partner.

And luckily, to be like, I do think he is my life partner.

Well, for now, at least.

But I had just lost my grandma, and I was just so vulnerable and emotional.

And you don't even know.

Like, you're just emotionally vulnerable.

You want to connect with someone.

And I was just trying to be Flirtatious and get in the hot tub, have a good time.

And one thing led to another, and then, you know, I'm having sex and I'm bawling like, poor guy.

Luckily, we were committed to each other and exclusive.

I know that's, like, pretty raw.

And we were safe about it, but, you know, the emotions just flow through you because it's like you open yourself up and, like, you're trying to be strong.

And it was like, I lost, like, my mother, you know?

Yeah.

So I think, like, sex is definitely one that I leaned heavy into.

Yeah.

That I can recognize as a pattern 100%.

And I think.

I think a lot of people do that one especially and don't talk about it because of fear of, like, judgment from other people and stuff like that, you know, but, like, we're human and, you know, I don't know, like, the person for me that I was being intimate with after my husband died that I was trying to conceive a child with.

Like, we'd been friends for a while, so it was something that felt comfortable and stuff like that.

And, like, I mean, I feel like I was just disassociating so hard 247 that I wanted to feel something different, you know?

And I was like, yeah, that.

You know, And I wasn't using or drinking.

Like, I was sober at this point, you know?

And so it's like, okay, well, I can't, like, go down to the bar and get wasted.

Like, you know, Sally from corporate would normally do.

Like, that's not an option for me.

So it's like, okay, I'll make some bad decisions with some questionable men, I guess.

Like.

But that's what worked at the time, you know?

And I don't know, in my head, I was like, it seems like a better decision than a lot of alternative decisions because, like, there's just so much energy in your body that, like, you try to move it around and do something with it, and it's just still fucking there.

Like, it just doesn't.

It just keeps coming back.

Yep, it does.

I mean, I think even with my great grandmother, eventually, over time, you know, I was still living, like, in the resident with, like, all the women.

And I would go and cry, like, in the mud room.

Like, 1am I'd come home from work, everyone would be asleep, and I would just go in there and I would just all my eyes out.

Like, I just wanted someone to hold me and, like, understand how much pain I was in.

And I would hyperventilate while I was crying.

It Was like, you know, like, almost like a rainstorm through my body.

And it's like, the things you do that you don't want other people to see.

But, like, when you can be sexual with someone, it's like they can caress you and that they can relate to you.

And.

I don't know.

I think also there's, like, a truth in, like, people are vulnerable during grief 100%.

And when people want to be in a relationship, they're vulnerable, too, or when they want to be intimate with somebody.

So you have to be, like, aware.

Like, is this person, like, being a predator to me or is this, like, a safe space?

Especially, like, if they're going through the same grief, because some people are aware of it, but, you know, like, luckily I can look back and know it.

Like, it was a safe situation, and I know that, like, handle my grief a little bit different now.

Yeah.

Yeah.

But are there any other ones you could think of or just mainly that one.

I'm like, okay.

I think, like, the pattern of crying to yourself.

Yeah.

Crying and praying.

Yeah.

I feel like that's pretty natural, too, to, like, go to those things alone, you know?

Yeah.

I mean, I think there's something to be said about crying in front of other people while you're grieving, but, like, also, like, there's so much crying alone that happens that people just don't understand until they go through it to some degree on their.

On their own.

You know what I mean?

It's.

It's a fucking lot like, you're like, I don't.

Like, where does it all come from?

Like.

Yeah.

I think also the alone part is, like, nobody, like, understands or, like, sees it, you know, like, that's around you if they don't know the person.

So it's like, you don't want to be, like, a Debbie Downer on them, which also is, like, to the sex thing, too.

You don't want to be a Debbie Downer.

You want to be passionate with someone.

You want to have good experiences.

So it's just, like, you retreat within.

Yeah.

To do something else.

Absolutely.

Now you want to get into some cards.

Yeah.

Cool.

I'm, like, trying to think, like, with my brother's passing, what did I do that was, like, risky behavior?

I don't know.

I think it's still present.

Like, even though two years have come, like, there's still things now that, like, I'm still healing from that journey.

Yeah.

So, I mean, I just try to be aware and, like, acknowledge the risky behaviors that I did or, like, what Is it that.

What's the prompt?

Like, unreasonable?

The questionable.

Questionable.

Questionable.

Grief decisions.

Grief decisions.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yes.

Yeah.

I think it's easier to recognize them when you've experienced them in a different way.

Yeah.

You know, in ways that you don't.

That are questionable.

Like, you can question, oh, why did I do that?

Yeah.

I think that I should have gone to the rage room.

Right.

Like, immediately after.

I still should go to the rage room.

I feel like that could always do people some good.

Yeah.

I've never been.

Well, looks like we're gonna have to go.

Have you been before?

Oh, you've never been either.

Oh, yeah.

We should go.

For sure.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Cool.

Yeah.

Let's pull some cards.

All right.

So I have the grief, Grace, and healing deck today.

Those of you who are not watching and just listening.

So the deck is split into three different categories.

Grace, grief, and Healing.

They're really pretty big cards with, like, geometrical shapes with, like, a half butterfly, half flower type of situation.

For those of you who are watching.

And I look like this and.

Yeah.

So, yeah.

So however you want to do this, you can pull one.

You can pull more than.

So I'm kind of drawn to the grace.

Okay.

I'm gonna go to grace first.

And shuffle.

Yes, ma'.

Am.

Shuffle it and blow your energy on there.

Just because, like, what we were just talking about.

Anything that's questionable, like, just give yourself some grace.

Know.

Yeah, that's what I'm hearing.

That was a good shuffle.

It was a good shuffle.

I'm going to go with the top one because it just jumped out on me.

What do you got?

It's recognize signs to prioritize yourself.

Grace is sending signs about prioritizing yourself.

Now, you might be a natural giver or.

Or have many responsibilities, yet this card is still an indicator that you need to prioritize yourself more, possibly more than you're used to.

Let Grace show you how prioritize adrenal health, rebalance, resist burnout, and rebuild healthy boundaries.

Do you want the expanded meaning?

No, no, you're like, nope, I heard you loud and clear.

No, I. Yeah, like, that's what I'm trying to do, you know, Rebalance, resist burnout always, and rebuild healthy boundaries.

I mean, it just aligns with what we were talking about.

It's like those healthy boundaries, which.

Yeah.

Which our boundaries change with time, you know?

Yeah, that is true.

And being, like, comfortable with setting your boundaries, especially around grief, because there is that stigma.

Like, oh, okay, they took two days off work.

They should be okay now.

You know, I think rebuilding those healthy boundaries is so important because it's not a two day journey.

It's forever.

It is a forever journey.

Yeah.

Very much a advocate of speaking up about grief in workplaces, for sure.

Yeah, definitely.

I mean, that's how you resist burnout.

Mm.

And I am an advocate for burnout prevention.

All we can do because, you know, like, these are the type of settings that have happened.

You know, people have grief, they can't heal from it.

Then they go back to whatever life they're living, whether it's parenting or something, school or work, and they burn out because they didn't get to heal.

And they're still, you know, it's just a constant cycle.

And then we fall into those questionable behaviors or patterns or choices, and it's a continuous cycle.

And that's really, like, you just have to prioritize yourself.

Absolutely.

And, like, your mental health and your wellness and just being gentle 100%.

Because that's what your loved ones would really want.

Mm.

They don't want to see you down.

Here struggling, especially, like, if they struggled and that's how they left.

Yeah.

You know, they're like, hey, I did that for you.

Chill out.

Mm.

Chill out.

I've been there, done that, see how it worked out.

Yeah.

That's real.

Okay, let's do healing, because we are healing.

Yes, ma'.

Am.

Oh, no.

I was hoping you would hold my hand.

I can do that too.

Once I start crying.

I mean, that's part of healing.

Very much.

I'm sorry that, like, I'm messing up the direction of your deck.

You're fine.

Do you work with this deck often?

I do.

Why?

Just curious.

I side shuffle.

That's why they stay the same direction.

I don't know how to do that.

I was just curious if you did.

Work with it, I could teach you.

We can try it.

Ooh.

Does it say prioritize a lot throughout this deck?

No, because.

Did you get another prioritize?

Yes.

Beauty therapy.

Hey, prioritize beauty therapy.

Beauty is a sustaining force for the human spirit and healing for the soul.

Spend time in beautiful nature setting.

Wear beautiful outfits and jewelry, or purchase a beautiful object for your home or office.

Notice the beauty all around.

Beauty therapy doesn't have to cost much or any money.

Beauty is your birthright.

Your inner beauty shines through.

Okay.

Literally just goes right with your last card.

Yeah.

Well, it's interesting.

Because, like, when you're in those vulnerable times and you're finding, like, you want to be intimate with somebody else, it's like, you don't necessarily feel beautiful.

No.

So it's like.

I don't know.

I just think the card, like, aligns with that, like, making yourself feel beautiful, you know, whether it is purchasing something or going out in nature.

Because, I mean, nature's super grounding.

I always do that.

But, you know, making yourself feel good within.

Yeah.

If you prioritize beauty therapy, you know, like, then you're most likely to not do questionable behaviors like sleep with people if you're not ready or not planning to.

Yeah, I would agree with that.

Don't get me wrong.

I love my life.

I had a great time.

Both those men were great in bed.

I'm gonna drink some water really quick.

Yeah, you're good.

I only said that because they're listening.

You're, like, just doing a quick little shout out.

Okay.

And grief, what we're here to talk about.

And, like, you saw how, like, I hesitated there for a second, like.

Like, I'm nervous to pull grief, but really, like, I don't think it should be like that.

There should be a beauty around it, you know?

I named my dog Osiris.

Well, my past dog, he passed away.

Rest in peace.

But Osiris is the God of rebirth and death.

Okay.

And I think because, like, death is like a cycle of rebirth, you know, things can be born again, and it's like a new chapter.

And it was a spiritual quest.

And so, I mean, that ended up being my great grandmother's dog after it was mine, and it.

She.

He was there with her, like, to the end of time.

So I. I think, like, by having my dog's name as Osiris, it was kind of like.

Like, you don't have to be sad.

We don't have.

We can go through this journey together.

Like, we can, you know, like, death isn't have to be a scary thing, almost.

Mm.

I mean.

Yeah.

It all just depends on what you believe, you know, I don't think death is the end, but that's just my own personal belief, you know?

Yeah, I don't think so either, but I don't, like, necessarily.

Well, I won't know, you know, like, it's my personal belief.

I don't.

I don't believe that either, but I don't need to know so much because I know that, like, even some people that pass away, they believe that, and I respect that, you know, if that's what they want for themselves.

I think more like, as a spiritual quest, when someone passed away and you don't know why, it's like It's a cycle.

Like, it's a new chapter, it's a new book in your life.

Does that make sense?

Like, you had that journey with them.

It was a beautiful memory.

And you know, there's ups and downs.

It's not necessarily all beauty, but when we prioritize beauty therapy, you see all the beautiful in it.

And.

And then if you take care of yourself.

Cuz that's what the other card said, basically.

Y.

You get what I'm saying?

I do.

Okay, how about you pick this one?

All right.

This guy.

Okay.

Don't explain yourself.

Embrace yourself.

If all of these cards aren't so fucking accurate.

I don't even know.

Okay.

Take care of yourself and indulge yourself without offering a long explanation or justification.

Embrace imperfection and your flawsomeness or simply being awesome in spite of and sometimes because of your flaws.

Practice unconditional self.

Love.

Authenticity and eccentricity are empowering.

Now honor the most honest expression of yourself.

Life is too short to pretend to be anyone else.

Yep.

Amen.

Yeah,.

It just, like, they just align literally so much.

Cards are a trip, man.

They're powerful, powerful tool.

Like,.

They definitely are, especially how you utilize them.

And like, when you can see what like, the cards are about or who the author is, you can kind of do your research and kind of see what works, like, best for you.

It doesn't necessarily have to be, like, guided.

Sometimes it's just like a positive affirmation to brighten your day.

Mm.

Yeah, but I love the.

I love all this pool.

I think it just aligns, you know, like, it goes right there with like.

Because I don't.

I wouldn't say, like, questionable behaviors and grief are bad.

No, I would say, like, this is how to like, maintain almost like, you know, recognize signs to prioritize yourself.

Is this really what I want to do?

You know?

Like, is this gonna feel right to me at the end?

Because that's what makes it questionable.

Right.

And then like beauty therapy, like, do I need to find sanctity in another or comfort in another?

Like, can I find comfort in, like, looking at myself or treating myself on a date or making myself feel good?

And then it's like, be nice to yourself while you do it.

You know?

Like, don't.

You don't have to over explain yourself.

You're going through it.

Yep.

Simple as that.

Like, that is part of grief.

Yep.

And just like, be authentic truly to yourself and to your core.

Snaps for that.

Absolutely.

All right, well, I think that's all.

Yeah.

Well, thank you.

Oh, go ahead.

Sorry.

No, I was gonna say thank you, too.

Thank you for having me.

Yeah.

I'm gonna go shopping now.

Yeah.

Why not?

Because I'm supposed to prioritize therapy.

Absolutely.

Yeah.

Thank you so much for coming back on, and it has been an honor to have you on and.

Yeah.

Gratitude to you.

Yeah.

Thank you for doing this work, I think.

Thank you for everybody that's come on to, like, share their story, and thank you for, like, staying passionate about this and, you know, doing this because it's a part of your story and you know how important it is to have a safe community.

And I would say, like, thank you to the viewers or the followers because, like, the stigma around grief needs to be, like, lifted.

It's not something that we can immediately do, but there is a community of people that, like, want you to know that we don't expect you to just, like, forget what happened or forget those people and that we are also going through it.

Yeah.

So, like, with you doing this, like, you're continuing to create that community, and it's not just like, oh, grief and loss, like.

No, it's grief and gain.

Yeah.

And gratitude.

Like, grief and gratitude.

Simple as that.

You know, gratitude for the time we had, gratitude for the next chapter.

All of the above.

Yep.

And so gratitude for you as well.

Thank you.

All right.

All right.

Well, thank you, guys.

Thank you guys as well for tuning in.

And we will see you.

See you next month.

Okay.

Yeah, see you next month.

Bye.