Who do you talk to when you need that help ?

This episode was requested by a dear friend, I'm so excited!

First off let’s have a look at your attachments of being a leader. 

Why are you a leader and what is your relation to the other people around you.

Next let’s have a look at your sense of self. Is your identity deeply attached to being a rescuer for other people ?

What kind of people do you attract into your life ?

Is your self-worth deeply anchored in your role as a rescuer ?

How do your self care rituals look like today and are they serving you ?

Let’s find self care practices that suit you and that you can engage in sustainably .

With much love

A.

New podcast episode of the Borealis Experience Podcast -for you :) 

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This is a place where you can recharge your batteries, reconnect to yourself, 

really get to know yourself and find out what steps you can take to untangle

yourself from a situation you don’t wish to be in. I invite you to get to know yourself better in order for you to make the right choices for yourself in the future.

Learn more at

www.auroraeggertcoaching.com

Free yourself from the ongoing destructive inner chatter.

Discover who you are without all this clutter in your mind.

Let’s dive in and find out more about this juicy topic that will most likely affect you in one way or another. 

In this episode and many other episodes I touch on topics that I usually work on with my clients. Here in my podcast it will be targeted to a broad spectrum of people. If you'd like to go more into depth with a topic I address, reach out to me.

with love and much respect

Aurora

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Unknown: 00:00:01

Hello, hello, and welcome to the Borealis

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experience. I'm your host Aurora, life coach and companion

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on this beautiful journey called life. I hope you feel good, I

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hope you feel safe, maybe even motivated, and empowered and

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strong about yourself, and life in general. Maybe you're not

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feeling well, at the moment, maybe you struggle, maybe you

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feel stuck, maybe your relationships are not running

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smoothly. Maybe you don't like your job. Maybe your kids drain

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you. Maybe your family is exhausting. Whatever it is

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you're struggling with, however you feel I hope I can bring you

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lightness and joy and contentment and help you to

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understand yourself better so that you can make decisions in

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the future that are in alignment with your True Self. That's my

Unknown: 00:01:08

biggest mission here, I want to bring you closer to yourself.

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Sometimes we learn stuff in our childhood and our youth make

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conclusions about outcomes and situations that are not really

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serving us anymore. And we don't question them early enough. We

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just keep walking with those beliefs and conclusions. And see

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our life through that filter through that lens and kind of

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filter buster. I want to liberate you. I want to make you

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feel free. I want to make you feel yourself. I'm also gonna

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host workshops here soon in person workshops, not over zoom.

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I'm currently trying to find locations, and pincher Creek

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area and Lethbridge, Calgary, where I can invite you to join

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me to listen and to interact and to Yeah, just be together grow

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together and connect. I really love doing my podcast here. But

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you gotta imagine, I sit in my little studio here and speak

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with most of the time closed eyes into my microphone. And

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most of you give me feedback, and you donate, which is

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awesome. But sometimes I just would like to shake your hand or

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make eye contact or just have you in the same room as me. So

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I'm working on this, I want to make this come true. I'm very

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dedicated, unstoppable to show up for you, men and women out

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there. So be excited for the future to come. And today, I'm

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especially excited about my topic because it was inspired by

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a dear listener and friend. I'm not going to mention his name

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because I forgot to ask him for permission. But thank you so

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much for shooting me that question yesterday. And I'm so

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happy to not wait any longer because I know your question and

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the answer to it and us discussing and you know, sharing

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our thoughts about it later on online. Once I publish, it is

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going to bring value to a lot of people. So his question was

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along the lines of if I'm a provider, if I'm a leader, if

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I'm a strong rock in people's life, and I feel drained. How do

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I reach out for help? Or how do I recharge my batteries? What

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can I do in order to still be that strong person to recuperate

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from the ongoing giving to situations and other people. And

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this is not a surprise maybe to you but a big topic in my life

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too because I'm a genuine giver. I'm out there and constantly

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producing, creating, bringing together offering and what do I

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do to not burn out but I don't want to make this about me. I

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want to go and introduce you to the concept of

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the triangle of the victim, the persecutor and the rescuer. I

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didn't put There's that idea into the world. Sorry, I forgot

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who was the first to introduce us to this concept. But if you

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are not driving, not operating machinery, close your eyes, if

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it's safe to do, and imagine a triangle, and imagine persecutor

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victim and rescue at the tips, and they always keep each other

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in check. There's always a person to blame. There's always

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a victim. And there's always someone who joins in who is a

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rescuer. And the interesting thing about this is that

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sometimes you are the victim, sometimes you are the rescuer.

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Sometimes you are the persecutor. You're not a saint,

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we all have our faults. And we change within these roles. And

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it is very interesting to observe with your friends, your

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family, how they are stuck in certain roles, there's people

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who are constantly stuck in the rescue of role. So if you grew

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up in a household where your siblings were constantly

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fighting, and you were the oldest and you had to make

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decisions early on in your life, or maybe your parents were

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fighting all the time, and you were trying to appease them, you

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learn fairly quickly that you are in a role of a rescuer. And

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later on in life, you will take on relationships, or be

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attracted to people and situations that bring out the

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rescue are in you. Because we always seek out what we know

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because that feels comfortable. Same goes for the victim. And I

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know some people are surprised there because why would you want

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to be a victim. Again, if you grew up in an environment where

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you were the victim, most of the time you got attacked, you got

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bullied, you were made fun of it is a role that you're used to,

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and that you will seek out in the future. So you will seek out

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people that are slightly abusive or not nice and treat you bad.

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So that you then can feel like a victim. And I know it doesn't

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make any sense as an outsider, but it is really how it is

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there's studies being done that people in abusive relationships

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have it way harder than we think to get out of these

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relationships and situations and not enter a new one that is

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similar, because they are so attached to their identity. And

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this is where I want to hit hook into as a coach is that I find

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out about these different dynamics in your life and if for

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example, you are the rock, if you are the rescuer, or if you

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grew up in a situation where you had to be responsible way more

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responsible than is okay for your age. And you strongly

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identify with that role, you will keep attracting situations

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and people that how do you say that in English, confirm your

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believe your identity and it is only you who can change it

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right? We're not going to change the people and situations around

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you that is absolutely not possible ever. We can change how

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we react so and observe what kind of situation we attract. So

Unknown: 00:08:56

what I will do in my coaching sessions is for the future we

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will get out into observer and birds perspective and what you

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how you react in certain situations and to who you are

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attracted. And this is so so friggin interesting because you

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will find out so much about yourself and your patterns. And

Unknown: 00:09:22

as soon as you shine light on it as soon as you become aware of

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it. You can change it before you just feel confused and drained

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and taken advantage of and that's the second point. My

Unknown: 00:09:36

first point is I want to ask you are you so strongly attached to

Unknown: 00:09:44

the rescuer? Identity that you cannot do differently?

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But keeping keeping this identity alive by putting

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yourself in situations and where you will keep feeling drained.

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Because there's also a pride thing involved, your ego

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involved that you don't want to ask for help, because people

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come to you to ask for help, right? You are the strong person

Unknown: 00:10:14

and you have to be the rock, you cannot take care of yourself,

Unknown: 00:10:18

because there might be a new person calling you soon up, to

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ask for help again, because you so strongly identify with this

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helper syndrome, so to say, and the people around you can sense

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that especially the people who are always in need of something

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they can smell, and see and your energy and see in your physical

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appearance, how you use your body, that you are a person who

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wants to provide who wants to be out there. Really? That's the

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case? And do you want to keep attracting people into your life

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that are not capable of sustaining their own life? What

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do you want to attract people that need you, but don't need to

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get rescued? Right? It is on you how you choose the people who

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come close to you. And if your ego is stronger than your heart

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and keeps attracting people that make your ego feel good because

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you feel needed because this is what you learned when you were

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little. When you were there for other people you felt needed and

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loved. And when you couldn't be there for anybody, then you felt

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neglected and bad about yourself. So we will have to

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look at this. How strongly do you identify with the rescuer

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position. Second thing I want to talk about is boundaries. People

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who strongly identify as a leader, as a supporter, as a

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helper as a coach, nurses, a lot of nurses and doctors have

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incredibly remorse and guilt feelings. When they set

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boundaries, a person who is not used to setting healthy

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boundaries, feels very shitty. At the start, they feel guilty,

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they feel horrible. Because they feel they're letting people

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down. They feel they're giving up their identity, right? Your

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ego is gonna say, wait, wait, we are a helper. What are you doing

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here? Like you can just get fired? Yeah, or lose your job as

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a rescuer. So your whole nervous system is going to enter a new

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realm of experiences once you start setting healthy

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boundaries. And I put an emphasis on healthy boundaries

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because sometimes we overdo it, we sometimes we could really

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help our little neighbor there. And it's not a big deal. But we

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overcompensate because so many other people suck energy from

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us. Right? That's when we burn out because we are not capable

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of saying no to other people and to the people who are sitting

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right in front of us. We say no. And then it's actually yeah, not

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nice and not fair. So it's really difficult. I get it, and

Unknown: 00:13:29

I struggle with that too. But you really have to find out, be

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it with your coach or a strong friend who is very, you know,

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honest and clear with communication. Where are your

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boundaries? Where do you overextend? And why do you do

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it? And how can we make you feel comfortable and saying no. So

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first thing was how strongly do you identify with the role as a

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rescuer? Second is set boundaries. And really apply

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what you learn with your coach. Right? in counseling, you

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usually learn, oh, wow, you have problems with your boundary

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setting and you're being given tools, and then you take off and

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stop the counseling sessions. With your coach, you're gonna be

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held accountable, and she or he will keep giving you tools on

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how to stay on track how to stay true and how to build strong

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relationships where you actually feel energized and not burned

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out.

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Third thing I want to address is, I mentioned that before,

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please be 100% aware of who you let close to your heart, who you

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let close into your intimacy space, and who you spend time

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with. Do you keep attracting people that are obviously in a

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situation where they need help. Do you feel sexually attracted

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to people who need help who need you because, again, what you

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have learned in early years is that when you feel needed,

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you're worthy, when you don't feel needed when the person is

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independent, what is your job, what is your purpose in another

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person's life when you are not need it as a rescuer. So be

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very, very aware of who you are close. And my next point will be

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your worse. You are struggling with intense worthiness

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problems. If you think that you are only worthy once you serve

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other people, and don't get me wrong here, serving other people

Unknown: 00:16:02

is an deep, deep part of our DNA, we are herd animals, we

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need each other. And there's studies coming out right now

Unknown: 00:16:15

where giving love supporting others as an individual is

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actually boosting your immune system more than receiving love.

Unknown: 00:16:31

Isn't that so incredibly interesting. Because all we

Unknown: 00:16:34

think not all of us, but some of us is like, oh, I need to get I

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need to take I need to receive and only then I feel loved. But

Unknown: 00:16:46

the studies are coming out right now that people who are giving

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themselves to others and supporting others feel healthier

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in their mind in their body. All this to say is you need to know

Unknown: 00:17:12

why you are engaging and supporting other people. And if

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you have it, anchored like it in this way. And the suggestion is

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the why if you have the reason why you want to feel needed, is

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because otherwise you don't feel seen and valued. We have to go

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and change this. Right? I'm not going to take away from you that

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you love to be a leader. But for you to understand that your

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motivation, your intention to help another person. If it is

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anchored in your self worth, you're also not going to help

Unknown: 00:18:02

them to an extent that is good for them because as soon as they

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feel good, you will feel weird and drained. And as if you don't

Unknown: 00:18:14

have a job, quote in their life anymore. So he will start

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manipulate yourself out of the situation because you don't want

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to be with a strong person because if they don't need you,

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you don't feel loved. So, this is the next point we're going to

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explore. Is your worth attached to the need of helping others.

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Alright, once we weed through all this I will also go and ask

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you directly how good are you at receiving? Love support? How

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much can you surrender to your pain and admit that you're

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actually struggling? Because I know there's a lot of helper

Unknown: 00:19:15

rescuers leaders out there who sometimes don't want to admit

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that they need help. Once you got to the point that you

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realize okay, you really need help. How open are you to you to

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receive Excuse me?

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Because sometimes we are so strongly identified again with

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the leader position with the helper that everything that is

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being offered to us we kind of laugh at we boil down I don't

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that, oh yeah, I know this. Right? Again, you're stuck in

Unknown: 00:20:04

your ego, if you cannot receive love, receive support. And

Unknown: 00:20:12

that's something where the coach would also go deeper and with

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you to help you be more receptive and open to receive

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from others. So it's a very important thing to address

Unknown: 00:20:30

because it's good to blame others to not being able to help

Unknown: 00:20:37

you not capable, or to simply not finding anybody out there

Unknown: 00:20:42

who can help. But maybe those people are just around you, but

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you're not open to receive support from them, because you

Unknown: 00:20:52

want to be seen as the strong one among your friends. But my

Unknown: 00:20:57

dear listener, if you are in this position, right now, you're

Unknown: 00:21:02

also missing out on a big, big point here, because it is. And I

Unknown: 00:21:09

know that term vulnerability is being overused. But by being

Unknown: 00:21:14

vulnerable, that we're going to make that strong connection,

Unknown: 00:21:18

especially with the people that we keep supporting the people

Unknown: 00:21:22

that are sometimes even dependent from us, right, our

Unknown: 00:21:25

children, if we can just admit to them, Hey, I'm struggling

Unknown: 00:21:29

right now, can you help me, maybe not so much with your

Unknown: 00:21:33

children, because it's not so much their job to, you know,

Unknown: 00:21:37

rescue you and support you. But maybe you don't need to be

Unknown: 00:21:40

rescued. Maybe you just need to have somebody listen to you. But

Unknown: 00:21:47

what I'm trying to say here is that you need to be open to this

Unknown: 00:21:52

and surrender to your situation. And open up. And next, we're

Unknown: 00:22:02

gonna go and find out what are you doing right now? As a self

Unknown: 00:22:07

care pro with self care programs, so to say, what what

Unknown: 00:22:10

kind of rituals Do you have? Do you meditate? How do you

Unknown: 00:22:14

meditate? Right? I have people in my life who meditate, but

Unknown: 00:22:18

they do it in such an abusive way, that it totally misses the

Unknown: 00:22:23

point of meditation, because the ego tells them all today, I

Unknown: 00:22:27

meditated for two and a half hours. And yeah. Do you feel

Unknown: 00:22:34

better at the end of the day? Or do you feel like you had to

Unknown: 00:22:38

check off that meditation point on your to do list? Same with

Unknown: 00:22:44

exercising? So I'm going to go through your list of the things

Unknown: 00:22:49

that you do already? And see, are these things really

Unknown: 00:22:54

benefiting you making you feel better at the end of the day? Do

Unknown: 00:22:59

they make you a better person? Do they make you feel awesome

Unknown: 00:23:04

physically, mentally, spiritually, emotionally? Or can

Unknown: 00:23:08

we tweak them a little bit? Right? I'm not going to take

Unknown: 00:23:11

away your habits. But I'm going to explore with you, are they

Unknown: 00:23:16

good for you? And can we replace them with other practices. And

Unknown: 00:23:22

then we're gonna schedule in your self care practices into a

Unknown: 00:23:30

calendar, if you are somebody who, you know, schedules their

Unknown: 00:23:34

days and is very organized, it is very easy to do. If you are a

Unknown: 00:23:39

mom or a dad, a person who is not really okay with Excel

Unknown: 00:23:45

sheets, then we're going to find a way there too. And we'll go

Unknown: 00:23:49

with the feel good. And we'll find out why a self care so hard

Unknown: 00:23:54

for you to keep consistent with do you feel that it is useless?

Unknown: 00:24:00

Do you feel you're taking away time from other things do you

Unknown: 00:24:04

feel is it is selfish? And we will go through that belief that

Unknown: 00:24:11

you have that

Unknown: 00:24:15

makes you have resistance to self care and kind of reprogram

Unknown: 00:24:20

your brain because self care is so incredibly important. And I

Unknown: 00:24:24

know I think it was in the 80s and 90s that people were

Unknown: 00:24:28

bragging about oh my god only got two hours of sleep. I worked

Unknown: 00:24:32

until midnight and then I worked on my hobbies till six in the

Unknown: 00:24:37

morning. No, this is so crazy abusive. And again, there's

Unknown: 00:24:43

studies coming out right now, where at least six to eight

Unknown: 00:24:49

hours is necessary for a human being to function probably

Unknown: 00:24:54

healthily, I mean, over an extended time for them to not

Unknown: 00:24:59

suffer Her heart attacks or whatever it is in their 60s and

Unknown: 00:25:05

napping is even being subscribed by doctors. So it is really

Unknown: 00:25:13

interesting to look into self care and what you do right now

Unknown: 00:25:17

and to see if it is really yeah, good for you or if it is missing

Unknown: 00:25:23

the point. All right, my dear friends, thank you so much for

Unknown: 00:25:28

requesting this episode. I'm very excited for every request

Unknown: 00:25:32

you send in. I hope I was able to help you out to bring you

Unknown: 00:25:37

value and to Yeah, help you make sense of yourself and how you

Unknown: 00:25:42

approach life. Of course this is all very superficial and once we

Unknown: 00:25:46

are in a coaching session, it's it goes to the meat to your

Unknown: 00:25:50

core. And we start changing from there for the better. And yeah,

Unknown: 00:25:57

I'm excited to connect with you if we haven't already. Add me on

Unknown: 00:26:01

Facebook, Aurora Eggert, or on Instagram Aurora Eggert

Unknown: 00:26:05

coaching, and if you want to spare a second 15 seconds,

Unknown: 00:26:11

please leave me a review on Apple podcast. It helps me so

Unknown: 00:26:16

much to get the word out there and to help people around the

Unknown: 00:26:21

globe which is my my biggest dream. All right. I want you to

Unknown: 00:26:26

be healthy. I want you to be strong. I want you to be your

Unknown: 00:26:31

best self because those people are the most magnetic and

Unknown: 00:26:36

successful people out there. All right, take really good care of

Unknown: 00:26:40

yourself. And I will be out there very soon again.