This week, the Queens dive into a hilariously cheesy 2 Star Review of an 11-pound “wheel” of cheese from Amazon. When is a wheel not a wheel? When it’s an oval! Trey and Chelsey dissect the outrageous claims of one disappointed cheese enthusiast.

Episode Highlights:

• (00:07:00) Review: A cheese rolling competition disaster!
• (00:17:07) Crowning the Review
• (00:23:14) Royal Highness Induction: Trey crowns “Hiring a Professional” as his royal highness of the week, honoring the value of trusting experts!

Timestamps:

• (00:00:33) Lodge A Complaint
• (00:07:00) Review
• (00:17:07) The Verdict
• (00:23:14) My Royal Highness
• (00:25:49) On This Week's After Show Pod

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Everybody's got an opinion, Every Californian and Virginian, It's so hard to tell who to trust and who to ignore, Someone's gotta settle the score., Trey and Chelsey will help you choose, Whose views win which ones lose, Online haters are coming for you, Baby, it's time to Review That Review!

Hello

Hi, and hello there.

Welcome to Review That Review.

We are the podcast that is dedicated to reviewing

reviews.

That is Chelsey Donn

and that is Trey Gerald,

but you can just call us the Review Queens.

That's right.

But first, Trey, I'm dying to know, I can only imagine you might have.

A plethora of things you might want to complain about, but is there one particular complaint you would like to bring to the table?

Trey, would you like to?

Ledge a complaint.

Why yes, I would.

Now, Chelsey, this might, um, seem like a joke to you.

But I do have written down, my complaint is two factor auth, auth, what is the word?

Authentication?

Authentification?

Authentification.

Two factor authentification.

No, it's not.

You liar.

No, it's literally written here on my paper.

So, okay, behind the scenes.

Subs Uh, it's now an hour and 21 minutes later, um, we have been trying to record this episode and, you know, pulling out, I hate constantly being asked for two factor authentication.

I hate it.

I hate it.

Who do you think wants to get into my Gmail?

Because I sign up for like, uh, I don't know, like, uh, Greenpeace, and then all of a sudden, like, my email gets sent to everyone in the world, I get all these spam emails, like, no one's two factor authentication ing that, but like, the minute I try to get into this app, it's like, hold up.

We gotta pull out all the Russian stops here to make sure that you can, um, send me a text, I need to know that this is going to your email, you gotta remember this six digit code, then I also need to make sure you're not a robot, and we gotta do the, gotta click all the spots that have the bicycle in it, but sometimes, like, the handlebar is in its own box, so I don't know if that's gonna count, and then I, like, then I don't remember, and then it times you out, and it's like, too many attempts, you're, you can't try again for 24 hours, What is all the security for?

Like, I don't know.

I don't have anything interesting for anyone that wants to steal or look at anything.

You're barking up the wrong tree.

I don't need the two factor.

And now, like, my bank is like, you have to have two factor.

It's like, required.

You don't get the choice anymore.

But like, my face, like, what if someone stole my phone and had a picture of me?

Like, could that just be my face?

With the face ID with the map, I'm all over the map.

I hate the two factor crap.

I hate it.

I hate it.

I'm sure that it's protecting me in some sense, but I don't think it is because I sign up for, you know, TMU, and then they send my email to every person in the world.

And then, like, you know, all these spam companies are calling me and it's like, I don't have a student loan.

I paid it off, thankfully.

So you're not going to get me.

You're not going to get me, but they get me with the two factor, Chelsey.

That's my complaint.

I know you feel it.

You know, I feel it.

I mean, just scan my retina already.

Okay.

We're almost there, girl.

I mean, can we just be there?

Like, just like here it is.

This might clearly it's me.

When you go to the airport now, they like take a picture of your face so they don't need to rely on the TSA agent.

We got to just do the same thing.

It's clearly me.

I'm trying to get into my email.

There's going to be a variable on most of my emails.

Weeks of a 10 to 15 pound difference.

Other than that, this is me, folks.

It's annoying.

I hear you.

Added to the ledger.

Do you think we're going to reach a point where the two factor isn't enough and it's going to be three?

Oh my God.

God forbid, Trey.

I just hope we can reach the point where it's like, you just know it's me.

Like, boom, boom, boom.

You see me, it's me.

And then like, if you're trying to get into my email, then like, that could be a separate thing where I have to two factor you in.

Okay.

But you know how the phones are so smart now that they know which app you're going to be used based on the location and the time?

Like, all of my game apps pop up as suggested apps.

Oh, it's like, I think that

you want to do this now, yeah.

Yeah, because it's 1030 at night and it knows I'm going to be taking a bath and I'm going to play solitaire, so it knows.

So how does it know that and does it need two factor authentication for that?

I can't even say it, I'm so mad.

I get it.

I get it.

I'm mad for you.

I'm mad with you.

Let's move on.

I'm so mad.

Let's exhale that.

I need a crystal.

I need something.

Okay, here.

Just bring all the good energy into the room.

Okay?

Do you want to do the show?

Trey Palosanto?

Let's do the show.

Let's move it.

Let's move into some online reviews.

Let's do it.

Review That Review.

As your trusty review queens, we bring in reviews from the internet.

That we feel need to be inspected,

We read you a review, we break it down, and rate the impact of that review on a scale from zero to five crowns, It's a really regal process that we call, Assess That Kvetch, and Chelsey, I'm dying to know, You What have you got for us today?

Well, not to get all cheesy on you, Trey, but let's go back.

I love cheese.

I love cheese, too.

All right, we're gonna head on over to good old Amazon and this is gonna be a two star review for the brand is For The Gourmet Sharp Provolone Picante Cheese whole wheel approximately approximately 11 pounds.

Any guesses on price?

Okay, an 11 pound wheel of provolone cheese.

I don't know that provolone is expensive.

Provolone makes me think of, um, Subway, but 11 pounds and then shipping.

Although people ship computers and cars.

I don't know.

I'm going to say an 11 pound wheel.

It's probably like 68?

157.

61.

Wow,

the picante is pricey.

It must be the picante.

Alright, so this review is written by Russell S., two star review, subject is, Competition Disaster.

In parenthesis, Oval, okay, you're about to find out,

here we go, oh no,

I am still recovering from this weekend when I was the laughing stock of the entire Mariposa County cheese rolling roll a palooza, I purchased this cheese wheel, As a last minute replacement for my trusty 75 pound Pecorino wheel, which got defaced by local youths.

Still, I was looking forward to chasing a lighter wheel down the hill.

This would give me more dynamic control.

Over the direction of the role.

On the morning of the competition, imagine my distress when dressed proudly in my regional colors and nearly new cleats, I unwrapped the package to what turns out to be an OVAL SHAPED CHEESE!

This is NOT A WHEEL!

Repeat, not a wheel, it is oval, needless to say, you can imagine the rest, which was broadcast live on local TV and one internet channel, note, the comments below the video are disgusting, And defamatory, so why the two stars?, As I bundled downhill behind the bouncing oval, Arch rivals roaring past in mirth, Some chunks dislodged, And the cheese itself was creamy and ripe, This is not a competition, she's a void, If anyone wants it, I abandoned it in rage, At the bottom of Greeley Hill, Mariposa County, On Sunday afternoon, From the 49 North, take the 132 East, It should still be okay.

Okay, so like, it took me like 0.

8 seconds after the subject to realize, is this gonna be like a rolling cheese competition?

Which I don't even know if I've ever even seen that existed in the world, but somehow inside of my head, I thought, do people roll cheese around?

Absolutely.

I think I did talk about a documentary that I saw a while ago about the cheese rollers.

Tell me, I don't know.

This is just a sport that people do in various areas of the world where they roll cheese down a fucking hill.

I don't really get it.

Is sport the right word?

Are we the right people to be dissecting whether or not something is sport, Trey?

I don't know.

I mean,

I guess that makes me But you have to run.

You have to run.

You have to have

balance.

I noted that.

That's how like stupid people are like, Oh, cheerleading isn't a sport.

Right.

Have you watched cheer?

Have you watched the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders American Sweethearts documentary?

Because they are.

Okay.

Those are athletes.

Let me not be that.

No, I wrote like chasing the wheel.

Now, you've watched the documentary.

You're very, you're a bon vovant.

When it comes to cheese sports, um, do you push it with a stick or do you have to be like on that cheese the whole time it's going?

If my recollection serves, you're on the cheese the whole time, you're rolling it and I don't think you can like, you don't want to lose contact with the

cheese.

Because I feel like couldn't it like wobble over?

Well, certainly if it was an oval.

You know, I don't know why this keeps coming to my mind, but I remember when we moved to the Upper West Side, I really wanted an oval.

dining table.

Something called an oval dining table is so much more elegant than a circle or a rectangle.

The problem is when you are on those corners, you don't get the same, you don't get the same table setting.

It's like real fucked up.

Yeah.

Oh yeah.

That's a real disadvantage.

And also it, it doesn't roll an oval, a circular, like a wheel, right?

Rolls.

We all know this.

We all know this.

We all know this.

Everybody knows.

Every child gets an experience with a wheel.

Yes.

Whether it's a little car, a bicycle, um,

Imagine trying to roll an oval, like rolling an egg, an egg shaped.

Couldn't do it.

Couldn't do it.

I mean, I guess you could roll it.

If it was, if it was an 11 pound egg.

But the distinction here is that wheels or ovals of cheese are like, they're three dimensional, but they're like, It's not uniform.

An egg is like, I want to say it's three dimensional.

That I feel like you could roll it on the long side, but the dimensions of a wheel in quotes of cheese is going to be such that one side is going to be flat because it's not a, it's not a circle.

How, what is happening?

It's not a sphere.

It's not a sphere.

It's not a sphere.

Okay, we okay.

We get it.

We get it, we get it.

There is a distinction between wheel and oval, but I've never heard an oval of cheese.

I don't think I've ever heard of an oval of cheese.

So a barrel bucket, a bucket of cheese.

Sure.

Why not?

A barrel of laughs.

Barrel of laughs.

Um,

yes.

I wonder if this is, if she's round, she shaved cheese.

Oh my god.

Do you know those baby bells?

Yes,

I mean, I like them too, but is that cheese?

What is that?

You

know, do you think this is false advertising

for the Mariposa Cheese Festival?

For the Gourmet?

I

mean, nowhere in the subject, in the title, in the description, does it say competition worthy?

Fair, but my question is, is it false advertising to call it a wheel if it's actually an oval?

I don't know.

Right, because it does say whole wheel.

Also, what good would it be in an oval?

Because don't you have to cut it?

But I guess if you're buying the whole shebang, it doesn't matter what shape it is.

Because I'm just thinking like, anytime you buy cheese for like a dinner party, it's like little pizza shapes.

But

I mean, I would imagine you're buying this if you like have a restaurant where you're making like, I don't know, like Philly cheesesteaks, you need a lot of provolone.

That's my first thing.

Hold on, we got to back up.

Who's buyin who's buyin this much cheese from Amazon?

Is it Amazon, like, fresh?

Or is this just Amazon that's been sittin in some factory?

This is

straight up duckin Amazon.

I guess that cheese is mold.

Like aged cheese, but not provolone.

Provolone seems so fake to me.

I don't know cheese.

I don't know what I'm trying to get.

I don't

know cheese.

I want to talk here about the value.

Okay.

Um, there, I think your point here, there's a big distinction because this is not purchased for consumption.

And I would imagine the majority of cheese that's purchased is for consumption.

Not competitive sporting.

Do you eat it after the sport?

Like if it's covered in wax?

I gotta throw Russell under the bus once again here because they really lost me at the end.

Now, I don't know how long shipping took because they didn't go into that, but you didn't open this until the day of the competition.

That's on you, boo.

That's on you.

Because I would have, I would have opened it, I would have like investigated, I would have practiced a little, I would have looked at the rolling ability,

True,

I mean the picture

definitely doesn't look like a whole barrel, like the picture looks like a half oval, like I don't know, I can't describe it, but it doesn't look like a wheel, it does say wheel.

I know, but regardless, why didn't you open it when you, when it arrived?

To make sure it wasn't broken or something.

I don't know.

I feel like most of the cheese in the cheese bowl competition have like that hard wax over it.

You're not just rolling raw cheese.

Yeah, but wouldn't the wax be in the shape of the oval?

You would know instantly.

You're right.

Okay, so

I think that this comes back to the truthful shadiness of it all.

Now I was like going back and forth on whether or not I think this is a real review or not I believe them when they talked about the like TV and the

One internet channel?

One internet channel?

Like live broadcasting?

I was like, okay, maybe this is real.

But then when they like got to the point of like, some of it fell off and I was tasting it.

And if you want it, it's like, take the 49 North to 132 East.

Like, I don't know, this feels like a planted review.

That lost me a little bit too, because don't you know that any function And I would certainly guarantee that, uh, sponsored cheese rolling competition, There's gonna be protocol that you can't be littering, Otherwise, you won't be allowed back in the Mariposa thing, Like, they'll be like, No, you leave, your contestants leave cheese everywhere,

The Mariposa County Cheese Rolling Rallapalooza, They don't want to feed

the Mariposa raccoons,

No, clean up after yourself,

I don't

know if I,

It didn't seem fake to me, The But now I feel very unsure.

I love the description of proudly dressed.

I don't think I've been proudly dressed today in my life.

Like, yeah,

I think they really want us to know or think that they take this very seriously, which I will attest from watching the documentary.

That people do take this very seriously.

But see that, I think, undermines it once again to where I don't know that it's real because if you took it that seriously, that you had almost new cleats, but you had proudly dressed attire, you were ready to go.

Why would you not test out the

wheel?

Right.

And why are you, like, if I'm playing football, God forbid, like, I'm gonna, I'm gonna have the football, like, but then I don't know.

Like.

Well, okay, but hold on, it keeps going back to like, But it does say it was a last

minute replacement for their trusty 75 pound Pecorino wheel, which got defaced by local youths.

But I don't know anything, but what's then, see that?

I mean, How did it get defiled?

How did that happen?

Where was it?

It wasn't in your house?

Was it in your house?

11 pound versus 75 pound?

Also, we all know Provolone is smooshier than Pecorino.

Pecorino's a

nice, taut, tired, Hard cheese.

I don't know.

Something feels odd here.

And wait, but my point here is like your first distinction here is that consumption versus versus competition.

Like, is this common use for this purchase of the cheese?

I

don't think so.

Should we hold that against the vendor?

I don't think so.

Because again, it does say wheel, which I think that's a good point.

But it doesn't say competition wheel.

Correct.

I don't know if any of them really do.

Okay.

But it also, it also doesn't say oval.

What about spelling grammar?

Spelling and grammar was good.

We obviously used some capital letters when we felt like particularly, particularly emphatic.

I mean, it is unique information.

I don't know how valuable it is and I can't distinguish the truthfulness.

It kind of feels like I can't tell if it's true or shady.

Right.

I think it's funny.

Oh, my God.

Very funny.

And I was highly entertained.

I was entertained.

Any thoughts on the

keep from buying it?

Mm.

Well, if I wanted, if I was gonna enter a rolling competition, I would have an impact.

I definitely would not be buying this after reading this review if I decided to join the Mepo Mera Zaza Rola Rola Palooza.

That's a mouthful.

That's like, that's worth than that worth.

That's worse than red leather, yellow leather.

I mean, in Russell's verbiage,

za Rola Palooza.

And Russell's verbiage, it did bring me mirth.

Mm hmm.

I think I can crown Russell.

I can crown Russell.

All right, so Chelsey and I each have our own set of zero to five crown cards.

In an effort to be fair and not influenced by one another, we will simultaneously reveal our rating.

The queens are tabulating.

Time

for school.

Okay, I'm holding up two crowns, Trey's holding up two and a half crowns.

Trey, you go first, by two and a half crowns for Russell.

I don't know.

I feel like, is it really unique?

Yes.

So get some points there.

Entertaining?

Yes.

Humorous?

Absolutely.

Impact on either side of the scenario?

Yes, there's impact.

Because I can't tell if it's real or not.

And I also have some personal questions about the integrity that Russell might have when it comes to his Career of rolling cheese and actions I wouldn't have taken.

I'm saying two and a half because I don't know that If you're really entering these competitions, I would hope you would have, even as a last minute backup, you need to have something better than Amazon, because we all know that if you just put all of your eggs in that basket, the dairy's gonna be soured.

I don't know what metaphor this is.

Two and a half, Russell, I'm sorry, I'm sorry you were made fun of in the comments section, it's never easy, but um, two and a half, because I would need to read other reviews if I was looking for an 11 pound wheel oval of provolone.

Why did you do half a crown less at two crowns?

Mostly because I don't know if Russell is being truthful, I gave him the two crowns for humor, um, and I'm That it was sort of like a funny review to come across.

Other than that, I can't really give them points because I don't think that they're convincing me to purchase or not to purchase.

I think if I were purchasing, I personally would probably be purchasing for a different reason, like cooking.

Um, and so, go figure.

And so for that reason, I can't really give them more than two crowns, but I am entertained and I want to go back and watch that documentary again.

And find out more about these competitors.

Yeah, I hear that.

Two

crowns, Russell.

Where did you find this?

Okay,

so, I almost asked you this before, but, Any idea on how many likes Russell's review has?

I found it on Reddit.

I imagine it has a lot.

2, 400.

Not that many.

336 people found this helpful.

Love it.

Great.

Good old Reddit.

Good old Reddit.

Good old Russell.

Well, thanks, Russell, for that.

Funny

review.

Thank you, Chelsey.

Funny

review.

Appreciate you supplying that for us.

And Trey, I think we've officially reached the most regal portion of our show, and I'm dying to know, Queen, who are you inducting for?

My Royal Highness.

Okay, I am very excited about today.

I'm going to speak in general terms, but there is someone whose name starts with a D that Chelsey and I both know about.

But today, I must induct hiring a professional.

Now, I'm going to keep it broad because we all can relate, but I think it's time that we put on a pedestal, we move the spotlight, we finally upstand standing ovation, we applaud five stars for hiring a professional.

You know, I am someone who I like, I like, I like tinkering, I like doing crafts, I like putting things together.

I'm very creative and sometimes I'm more creative than my scope of knowledge and I think there's, I think true intelligence comes from knowing when to hand the reins over and there's nothing more comforting than knowing, like, I need help and asking for it and then compensating a professional for a job well done.

I must have you all stand with me.

Subs Let's induct hiring a professional.

There's nothing like, I mean, it's just like people who are committed to something for their lives that care about it.

Just let them do it.

Don't, don't pooh pooh around.

Don't pooh

pooh.

Don't pooh pooh.

Don't

pooh pooh.

So for that reason today, I must induct hiring a professional for the needs that require it.

Okay.

You can, you can get by for as long as you can, but just, just hire the people that do it.

Okay.

And for that reason, hiring a professional is My Royal Highness this week.

I love that.

Yay!

Round of applause for the professionals in the room.

Okay.

If you're listening and you're a professional at something, just thank you for being a professional.

We applaud you because it's like Trey was alluding to.

We could be a little bit of control freaks, you know, but sometimes you got to stay in your lane and sometimes having support from other people really makes all the difference.

Who, Trey and I know, and all the professionals out there, Thank you, I love it.

Well, we did it, Queen.

That is another round.

That's another oval on the R U A R Q Ferris wheel of being proudly dressed.

That's right.

Thank you for joining us today.

If you like what you heard, please tell a friend.

If you did not like what you heard, please tell an enemy.

Everyone, this is very exciting.

On today's after show pod that you can get exclusively at our Patreon, Chelsey and I are going to be rating a one star Google review for an Arizona lawyer.

Things are going to get legal,

litigious,

so litigious.

I have a story about the word litigious.

Um, so that's what we're doing on the after show.

I love that.

So to find out why this Okay, so he's like, I feel like it should be like this.

Like we'll come in and we'll start playing like a little jazz music while like people trickle in.

There's no trickle.

We're here.

We're here.

Oh, wow.

I wonder.

I wonder why this was said.

Hmm, I wonder too.

Well, the only way to find out is to go over to ReviewThatReview.

com slash Patreon.

Now remember, Queens.

Ignore the haters.

You're a queen!

Gender non specific queen.

No cheesing around.

Hi.

Sign up directly on Apple Podcast to hear our weekly members only after show.

Unlock additional benefits when you become a Patreon member@reviewthatreview.com slash patreon.

Follow us on all the socials at the review queens and join our mailing list@reviewthatreview.com.

Our kvetch line is open 24 7 at 1 8 5 0 review zero.

You never visit, you never write.

Give us a koal.

No.

Wow.

Oh my

goodness.

Poor Russell.

Poor Russell.

Did he ever show his face in Mariposa again?

You know, now I'm really questioning if, if Russell was true or not.

I really question that.

Maybe Russell saw the same documentary that I saw and then was like, I know.

He thought he would get crafty.

He thought he'd get crafty because now I'm noticing actually, you mentioned this on the show.

I did get it crafty, like craft cheese.

K R A F T.

It doesn't say verified purchase.

Gag.

We'll see you Friday, Queen.

We'll see you on Friday, Queen.

Bye!

Thanks for watching, Queens.

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