Amber DeAnn shared this story with us:

"Years ago, even as an adult, I felt controlled by Mom. Her “You can’t do that” words still rang in my head lighting my inner fire of rage and started many screaming sessions. Mentally I always replied “Oh yeah, watch me.”

Anger was my fuel, the energy, I used to accomplish everything— get through college, make the grades, apply for jobs. Then one day it evaporated suddenly as I lay in bed too sick to move. What happened?

Anger had become a physically destructive emotion ruining my health. It distancing me from people thus creating a social vacuum in my life. It alienated me from my spirit. It kept me spinning in circles seeing every negative life experience as an enemy to be slain.

But actually my adult life resembled Humpty Dumpty who had fallen off the ledge and now lay in pieces on the ground. I felt anxious, depression, lost and confused. I had to make a decision.

I was not going to let my childhood abuse, beatings, belittling comments, emotional abandonment and controlled behavior become the blueprint for my life. So by researching the best ancient wisdom and neuroscience healing techniques, I was able to reconstruct myself.

I learned self inquiry, self empowerment, and how to create freedom for me. I learned how to listen and be guided by your intuition, break patterns of thinking and behavior, and find harmony with your Spirit and be a creative, fun kid enjoying nature, animals, art, writing.

I became a life coach, hypnotherapist, psychic reader, energy worker and author of 2 books on self healing. Now I seek to be a peer support specialist who can gently cheerlead, motivate, and mentor others unto their own personal discovery path back to wholeness.

I also am drawn to creating support classes focused on expressive art and writing. Creating is so nourishing & healing to the soul."

To start on your own healing journey, connect with Amber at https://coachingbyamber.com/

Head over to https://rebelhealthtribe.com/kit to get a free download of our loaded quick start guide to help you along your healing journey.  If you like us, subscribe, review, and share us with your friends, and come join our Rebel Health Tribe group on Facebook.

A Podcast Launch Bestie production

Hey everyone, here's a, this is gonna be a really fun episode.

One of our, our listener supported a community sourced episodes, which are so

far turning out to be really fun to do.

I'm here with a member of our rebel health tribe, community, Amber.

Amber.

Thank you.

Thank you for having me.

Yeah, this is going to be fun.

Um, this was an idea we came up with when we were trying to do something unique

with the podcast is people are used to hearing from certain guests and certain

people in the functional medicine world.

And we're lucky enough that a lot of them trust us enough to come on our things.

But then I was like, how can we make this more fun and engaging?

And how can we involve more people?

And so we put out a.

A little APB out to our, our community and asked for their healing journey stories.

And yours is one that came in that really grabbed my attention and I

feel as one that needs to be shared.

And so, um, it's been really fun getting to know and meet and talk to some of

our people who are valuable members of our, our audience and our community.

And it's fun to, to bring you on, to be on the other side of the camera.

So.

I hope that you enjoy the, the experience here.

And I just appreciate in advance because I know enough about your

story to know that this is going to be really powerful for people to hear.

So thank you for volunteering to, to share it.

Thank you for having me here.

I love it.

It's going to be fun.

Um, so I guess we'll just go back to the beginning and, um, I'm going to

put a little trigger warning out there for people in the audience on this one.

We're going to talk about some sensitive subjects a little bit,

uh, just to let everybody know.

And, um, we're gonna start back at the beginning where, you know, you

have now done a lot of work and a lot of healing and a lot of growth work.

And so now you kind of have a really solid understanding of where.

You're a chronic health issues and mental health challenges and things stemmed from.

So I will let you describe and explain that in the way that feels good to

you and kind of set the stage for, for how you wound up, where you wound

up to even need a healing journey.

Okay.

Uh, I'll start from the beginning.

My parents were in world war two and they were working in

Omaha for insurance companies.

They all had nice jobs and they love their social life, even though, you know, they

weren't making a lot of money and then.

My mother got pregnant after four years of marriage and she was shocked and she

didn't like this and she wasn't happy.

And then dad wasn't happy because at that time, when you worked, if you're

a woman working in insurance company and you got pregnant, you were fired.

No questions asked that was it.

They were not putting up with that, especially during the

warriors and shortly after.

So mom got fired from her job and then dad had to leave too.

So they had to leave Omaha and they moved in to, um, my, my mother's parents, they

had a farm and, uh, dad part of Nebraska.

And, but the problem was my mother didn't like my, her mother.

So there was a lot of friction there.

And my grandmother didn't like, So were you, so right away here, she is pregnant.

God delivered the baby.

And now she's in this really tense, stressful situation, which was her

birthplace, which she never got along with anybody in the first place.

And she didn't know what to do, you know?

So she's really upset.

So from there, they eventually.

Found a farm and rented it and then became farmers because

that's what my dad wanted to do.

Then they eventually bought for him.

They became very successful with what they were doing, but my dad was a workaholic.

My grandfather, my mother's father was a workaholic.

Um, there was a lot of family dynamics in there that were

going to create a lot of stuff.

And they were going to create stress on me.

So I was the one that was blamed for tearing up my mom's life and Omaha

and ruining everything she had planned because you now had to be a farm wife.

It was your fault.

She lost her job at her career.

They lost their social life there.

They lost all of those things.

He lost everything.

So it was all my fault.

So she carried this revenge against me for a long time.

And, uh, as you know, when you do some functional medicine, the stress hormones

develop and they, they move from the mother into the child, into the womb.

And now the child has as much trauma and stress as the mother did.

She's not even born.

So, so when I was born, mom said it took three days in labor to

have me, and then I didn't want to be touched by her in the hall.

So every time she touched me, I screamed.

So that is a bad story to ready to have to life.

And then, then after that, um, a lot of things happened and I was abused in a lot

of different ways, but I don't remember it when I was almost eight years old.

My brother was born.

And that's when my memory kind of kicked in, it was like a

headed energy transfusion.

And now I was awake and I was alive and here I was on the farm and trying

to cope with the whole situation.

Everybody was still angry at me.

Now, all the attention is focused on my brother.

He gets all the praise and the glory and constantly taking care of him because

he's a man and he's going to help her in the farm and all of this kind of stuff.

I was ignored and there wasn't any security.

There wasn't any safety.

There wasn't any trust.

Cause every time mom got upset about some little things she blew

up and she started to hit me.

And so I grew up with an overactive nervous system.

I grew up with the fight flight or freeze thing going on a hundred times a day,

you know, and it was, I had bad dreams.

I had all kinds of things.

I couldn't relate.

I ended up.

The first couple of years of school, I did very poorly.

I think I had D's and F's and everything.

Something happened when I turned eight and then my head, that energy transfusion,

and then I could do good in school.

So while I was being ignored by my dad ignored by my brother and abused

by my mom, emotionally, mentally, and everything, my outlet was going to school.

So I went to school, I got good grades.

Things were moving along really well when I was, um, I said to my parents, you're

going to buy me a piano and they go, what?

You don't know, nobody playing.

He plays the piano.

You know, we don't do, we don't do music.

I said, you buy me a piano and you're going to do it now.

So let's get going here.

So they did.

And that turned out to be the saving thing that calmed my mother down because when I

played piano, her nerves calmed down, that would allowed me to get through the next

18 years without us beating each other up.

So she was still had an emotional abuse.

Um, the things I did, she, she didn't like spending money on me.

She didn't like, um, but anything with me and the cons, she had a

constant feud with her mother.

So I was always in the middle of a feud someplace.

She would either arguing with dad or arguing with her mother and

I had to go along all the time.

And then my grandfather died when I was 13 and then things got really bad

between my mom and my grandmother.

So there was a lot of stress there.

So when I turned 18, I said, now you're going to pay for me to go to college.

And they did, it took some work.

Mom had to convince the head cause he had the old time philosophy that women

don't need an education, all that stuff.

Through high through grade school.

I felt I fit in because we was all dealing with country kids.

When I got to high school, when I got to college, I didn't fit in at all

because I didn't have the social skills.

I didn't have that bonding.

I didn't have that attachment.

I was learning to be self-sufficient, you know, when I was home and I tried

to be self-sufficient and tried to read a book, I tried to paint something.

I tried to, um, do something.

I would mom would always Squatch it.

Oh, you can't do that.

We got farm work to do.

We've got produce to do, we've got, you know, strawberries

to pick with that data data.

So there was always something going on, pulling me in all these directions.

So I never got to figure out who I was, what I liked, where my

skills were, how I was even going to fit in and relate to the world.

But I knew that I had to get away from.

So finally got through.

So I got through college, I'd got pretty good grades.

Then I got up from school and I had no skills to function in the real world.

And I was bouncing from job to job, to job, and it was really disgusting.

So those first years when I was young, I had to deal.

I had, I was very shy, so I stuttered and.

I just couldn't find my way.

I didn't feel I could make friends, friends were not allowed in the family.

You know, I couldn't bring people over the overnight.

I couldn't have friends over, I couldn't go over other people's house.

So all the social arrangements were.

Everything I wanted to do that was productive or creative

or expressive was squelched.

Everything had to be work on the farm and work, work, work.

That's all my life was.

So when I got out, I decided, you know, I still need to separate from my mom.

So I married a man.

She didn't like.

I said, that's going to do it now.

I can finally cut the cords and I can be away from mom.

You know, I just get married.

So I got married.

He turned out to be an alcoholic that didn't last, but a couple of

years now I'm back in the world by myself, trying to find my own way,

bouncing from job to job, to job.

So I finally ended up in, um, I finally ended up in the 12 step program

based on advice from my friend who.

What is conquering her alcohol addiction.

And that turned out to be my saving grace.

That was the thing that allowed me really started taking a look

at myself, you know, pulling back the covers and all those emotions.

I had squelched, all that anger, all that fear, all that, everything,

but it was really hard because everything was not accessible.

My conscious mind, couldn't talk with my subconscious mind.

So I, I had trouble.

Like, you know, had trouble making, uh, making friends, expressing

myself, all that stuff was just huge,

which is totally understandable.

Given you had no access to that and no demonstration to that and no attunement

to that and no modeling of that and no, you know, no way to learn or no.

Yeah.

So not only did I not have any feelings, I didn't have any respect for myself.

Because you have, you need a mother, you need mirroring, you need attachment.

You need love bonds to do in order to build up those

self-esteem channels in yourself.

So I didn't have any of that.

So after that, my whole life had been a progress journey of, okay,

how am I going to heal myself?

How do I put all of my pieces back together again?

And then the journey has been, it's been difficult.

Yes.

And I've had lots of.

Uh, health problems along the way.

You know, um, when I, when I was a child, I had, um, a trench mouth.

And then when I got older, I had mercury poisoning about the time

my father died and from silver amalgam fillings in my teeth.

And so that took a whole year to recover from that.

And I was unemployed a lot.

So I was living on.

Welfare and food stamps and home the money from the home and everything.

And it was just like, oh my goodness, this is very difficult life.

But once I moved to California and I started to absorb all the good

things that were in California, and then things started to turn around.

And one of the first things I did was when I moved here, I moved

to straightly to Sacramento.

On a bus from Des Moines, Iowa city, three days to get on a bus.

I had one suitcase and had a group home that I could stay at

for a while after I got here.

So it was a female group home.

And while I was in there waiting for my job opportunity to come through and all

that stuff, I got to listen to Bradshaw and Bradshaw had fantastic stuff.

Rachel was big in the eighties and the night.

He was really big and I was listening to his stuff and he's

analyzing the family and the family connections and the dynamics and

how addictions are born and created.

And I always go on, oh my God.

Wow.

This is cool.

So I just absorbed everything he was saying.

And then, and I got later on, I was, I got settled and then I could start

buying the books and looking at my programming, going to the psychics

and the healers and everything.

Were you pretty physically healthy as a, as a

kid or in high school or college?

Or did you always have symptoms and issues

and, and things physically?

I had, I had colds.

I would get colds two or three times a year and they

would last over a month each.

I was constantly blowing my nose.

The sinuses are always draining.

Other than that, I had good health.

I didn't have any chronic issues.

I didn't have anything, you know, once in a while I would get the flu.

I had the measles and chicken pox, all this childhood stuff, but health was

really good all through grade school, high school, college, everything.

And it wasn't until, um, like I say, a year after my father died that

I got the silver amalgam filter.

And the mercury poisoning.

How old were you when your father passed away?

Uh, he passed away in 87.

I was born in 50, so I was 37.

And so things kind of slid after that housewife thing slid after that, because

he was, he was my buffer between me and mom and every time mom got read,

ready to kill me, you know, dad would kind of step in and buffer that.

And so when he died, I was like throwing, you know, a kilter.

I didn't know where I was going, what I was going to do.

How am I going to deal with mom by myself?

Mom was a really tough cookie and so it was very difficult

how it was going to emotionally.

I felt drained and I knew it was going to have this constant battle with my mother.

And she was sick too.

She smoked.

And so she had coronary problems and all those kinds of things.

So she was never in a good mood and she never liked me anyway.

So yeah, that was a road trip.

But then after that, when I started to get on my journey, that's

when I started to discover that.

Uh, all of this is ancestral.

Ancestral trauma things that she couldn't process from other coding

process, all that kind of stuff.

And it was when I started to develop my psychic skills.

When I started to do readings, when I started to connect with my spirit

guide and all that, that's when all the information started to come up.

That's when I could see what was really happening and why all the friction

between us that I hadn't caused.

And it was amazing because then I could start talking to my mother's soul.

This was after she had died, she died in 2004 and she left me some money, which

I used, to publish and promote my book, buy a house, all that kind of stuff.

So she was trying to take care of me financially.

But, but he was, um, in all this trauma because not knowing how to deal with her.

And then when I could start to connect with her psychically, when

I started talk with her soul, that's when all kinds of things opened up.

And that's when I also learned more about the family history.

And when I did it was like amazing.

Cause then my heart, my cold heart, but angry at her.

I hated her for all those years.

But then my cold heart started to melt and then I could see her as a

real human being, having all these challenges she couldn't deal with.

And she didn't have any resources because they weren't available then.

And then it was like, oh, okay.

And that opened up a whole new sense of.

And so a lot of the ways that you share the, the

story about, you know, they were forced to leave their social life

and they're forced to leave this.

And then they had to go live on a farm with her mom who she

didn't get along with, which was really stressful and difficult.

Those are all perspectives that you have gathered as an adult

and not necessarily cause that's very empathetic or compassionate

to like, look at it, like, yeah, Objectively terrible to me as a child.

And she was dealing with this and this and this and this and

this intergenerational thing.

And then stuff put on by her mom and the stressful thing and having to

leave a career and having to leave the social life and all of that.

And that really, um, shifts something in us when we

can understand and empathize with.

And, um, it doesn't make it right.

Like I.

Just put that out there.

It doesn't make it right.

That you, as a child were treated in the way that you were and it doesn't

make it fair and it doesn't make it.

Okay.

And it doesn't change the damage that was done, but it allows the person.

If there's somebody listening here to shift their current experience of

that person, like, and retroactively, it shifts something as well.

Um, I've found to be, cause there's people that were in

my life when I was a kid that.

I didn't have that for, for a long time.

And I carried a lot of animosity and like bitterness and anger and, um, rage.

And then now I see things much differently and it's because.

Did the work to understand the dynamic and their experience and in

their life, we, we create stories.

This person did this because of this or this person said this because of this.

And we don't consider any other possibility.

And it's the story we run with.

And as a kid, you know, the story that a child might create, and that

situation is, you know, you mentioned your self esteem issues and your

lack of ability to socialize and addiction and, and these things is.

I ruined my mom's life.

Like I caused her to be like, this it's my fault.

I'm the problem.

I'm the thing that shouldn't exist.

I'm XYZ thing because children don't have the capacity to see the bigger picture,

to understand the dynamics in play.

They just know that the person who's supposed to be taking care of me is scary

and unsafe and does not take care of me.

And then there's this.

Like isolation, I'm guessing you didn't really have anybody to communicate

any of that to, or with, as a kid, I didn't have anybody to talk to at all

because you're very isolated on the farm and especially where we were, and

it was the fifties and then moved into the sixties and that wasn't available.

Nobody was thinking about it in generational trauma.

Nobody was thinking about.

Problems with child abuse with the family then of that existed

until many years later on.

But what you said was totally right.

I had developed a I'm not good enough.

I don't belong here kind of mentality.

And I think that affected my, um, the whisperer department fora.

It affected my interactions with people.

It affected my ability to get certain jobs.

It affected everything became.

But my physical body.

Yes.

And, and what ha what happened was for one, I was bopping around trying

to find jobs after I graduated from college, I remember there were at least

10 years where I had to fight suicide thoughts and, and it was only one

kind of suicide I was thinking about.

And this was something that happened in my family.

So it was like, I was going to repeat a suicide thing

was an accident car accident.

And from my family and I was going to terminate myself because it didn't seem

like anything was going to work in my life and they didn't seem like anybody cared.

And there was nobody there for me, but I was able to restrain myself.

So I wouldn't drive my car underneath the truck and kill myself.

I was able to restrain myself or my spirit did for some reason.

And that's the only reason I'm here now, because that went on for many,

many years, but that all has to be.

But something that comes up as a result of your subconscious saying,

you know, okay, it's the story.

I picked up all these messages from my mom.

You're not good enough.

You don't belong here.

Why do I have to deal with you?

Yeah, it's sort of a function in this world or never be anything,

you know, any, a couple of that with the stress, the utero stress,

the in early childhood stress.

And like, I've done a lot of study the last few years on, on like

child development and neurobiology.

And for anybody listening, who's interested in that check out Dr.

Dan Siegel's work.

Uh, the neurobiology of we is a great book.

Um, he's at UCLA, I think, or UCS or one of those, but, um, Neurobiology of, we

explains a lot of how that happens and the, the neuropathways that are affected

as children when attunement is not present like regulated nervous system.

Like we learn how to regulate our nervous system by attuning

to a regulated, nervous system.

Like our nervous system is as much internal as it is like an antenna.

And so we regulate to the nervous system then.

Infants newborns, um, and fetus, infant, newborn, like that level of.

Child does not have the capability to self-regulate a nervous system.

It doesn't have it.

It has to learn.

It has to attune to.

And so when you're a tiny and you freak out and everything's going

crazy, like every panic for a baby is like an existential crisis.

Like they're hungry, I'm going to die.

They're cold.

I'm going to die.

Like everything is I'm going to die.

Like they don't even have.

Ability to think I'm going to die, but like the level of fear

instilled in a newborn or an infant when they're cold or they're hungry

or they're confused or they're, whatever, all of it is about survival.

It's, I'm going to die because we're actually like the, I dunno

if this is true, but we're one of the most helpless creatures born.

Like you look at like a, a horse is born two hours later.

It's like trotting around running, like eating for mom or grass or whatever.

So animals like eat right away.

Other ones feed right away, but they, they can walk, they can move,

they can run away from things.

They can do stuff.

Um, human children are helpless, like completely helpless

and completely dependent on.

The caretakers and that, that nervous system attunement.

If, if, when we freak out, we don't receive an attunement to a nervous

system that tells us, oh, this is okay.

You're going to be okay.

I'm okay.

Look at me, be okay.

This is okay.

You're going to be okay.

Let's, let's calm.

This let's solve this problem.

And then your nervous system realizes like, okay, this

isn't the end of the world.

This can calm down.

And then you feel like.

Heightened thing drop, uh, you eventually learned the ability to self-soothe

and self-regulate and whatever.

Um, those of us who didn't have that, um, for one reason or another.

So, like not only did you have these stories ingrained in

your head that I'm no good.

I ruined this.

I don't belong, et cetera, et cetera.

You also had a nervous system where every little thing that

happened is a crisis for you.

Like isn't alert is an alarm is unsafe, is whatever.

And because it frankly was like, things were dangerous.

Things were, you know, and then you, you don't have the.

It's like a, it's like you hide yourself in like a double whammy,

like the self-loathing type of story mixed with everything is

a catastrophe on your system.

So for people that don't understand this, it's like, if you miss a red light or

something, like it's everything, when your nervous system is like that, every

little thing that happens, you know, like something falls on the floor or,

um, a phone call doesn't go, right.

Or like, uh, whatever the thing is, it, it.

Charge, because when you're small, you don't have a way

to regulate your emotions.

You don't have a way to deal with the trauma.

You can't move out of the fight or flights is by yourself.

You have to get that from your.

My, my mother was always in a fight or flight kind of a thing.

And my dad was a workaholic.

So he was always pushing on me and my brother said, oh, you're crazy.

I don't want him to do with you.

So there was no way for me to learn that.

And that was part of my journey to learn how to do this.

And I was really proud of myself because I would go to talk therapists, you know,

and after I got to be an adult and.

They would sit and say, okay, now tell me your story and what happened.

And then what happened?

And I said after five minutes, I'm not going to sit here and tell you my story.

You're going to have a, you have either have a solution for me or I'm walking out

of here because I know what my story is.

And I'm not just sitting here paying you a whole bunch of money.

That's it.

And ask me those questions.

If you don't have any kind of a remedy, when you have any kind

of a solution, this is crazy.

So he would put me on an EMDR.

And I would do the, what what's this with the eyes and I'd be holding

onto some electro chair, a electoral energy, current going through my body.

And I would hear beep beep, beep and years, you know, that

would help for about a day.

And then that all blew up.

So I said, okay, from the work I was reading from Bradshaw, I

said, okay, I'm going to have to go back to my early childhood.

I'm going to have to relive it the best I could as normal as I could.

So I pretended I was going to be a child.

Again, I watch cartoons.

I watched child movies.

I read child books.

I went to the playground and watch children play on her.

I took courses in community college for child developers.

And then I worked for child development agencies for awhile.

Um, like, you know, uh, BayCare stuff.

And there's a part of you that really appreciated that.

Yes.

And there was a part of me and then all the pieces started to fit in.

Then I started to see what I had missed or what, I couldn't remember what I

had squelched because I had to survive.

And that's when all these other things started to come in.

And that was really the.

Therapy that I ever imagined because that activated the inner child.

Part of me that I thought was dead.

And now you never got to be a child.

I never got to be a child.

You were parenting your mother, like probably became really hypervigilant.

What set her off or what, you know, cause I can relate to that.

Like what, what would set her off and what would cause that to happen

and then it's your responsibility to make none of that happen?

Yeah.

Well it wasn't that I couldn't make it happen cause I knew

it was going to happen.

But the thing of it was I wasn't going to let her crush me and I

had this really strong desire.

You know, if we have to fight it out to the end, I'm going to fight it

out, but she's not going to crush me.

He like.

You know, so I would stand up for my rights and then

she would stand up for hers.

And we were working in the kitchen and I would turn on the rock music and she would

turn it off and I would turn it on and she would just start getting to be a child.

You know, we had all of this going on.

You know, there was no time to read books, no time to listen to

music, no time to do anything.

Play, explore.

No, no time to play, explore.

It was all had to be directed to the farm.

And what made the farm.

So it was when I went to took the classes, tried to do read, develop

my child development issues.

You know, that's when things started to perk up, then I could

move into the 12 step program, which is, you know, for people from

dysfunctional addiction families.

That's when I learned to write, when I learned the field, when I enjoyed

poetry, when I enjoyed music, when I enjoyed ballads, when I enjoyed all kinds

of things and all that stuff started to perk up and it was like, oh man,

there's a whole new world out there.

You know, there's music and there's art and there's this and there's that.

And, and it was like, okay, Be part of it now, and I could embrace it and I

could use it and I could deal with it.

And I did and have moved forward.

That's where I developed my creative writing.

So I've written two books since then.

I've written poetry.

I've taught workshops for women who also feel stuck and have had family issues

and curious how your physical body responded

when you started doing that.

Um, the child work and the explorations in the art and

the music and things like that.

Like what

my soul woke, then I finally could wake up my soul.

It was like, okay, I'm not just this body that I detest.

I'm not just this energy spirit in this body, which doesn't even fit my energy.

Wasn't even flowing all the way through my body.

My psychics psychics would look at me and they'd say, why is your

energy feel the indeterminate.

You know, and I would go, I don't know what you're talking about.

So then, because I didn't know what I was talking about.

Then I got to explore energy and energy healing and spirituality and,

and the flow of energy and working with energy and that whole dynamic.

And it was so cool.

It was hard.

I mean, it was the hardest thing.

Cause I had to pull physically, mentally poor and with imagination my energy

field back into my body because this a.

The body code lady said, well, surely after you were born, your spirit left

your body because it couldn't cope with what you having to deal with at home.

And you didn't didn't come back in until you were almost eight years.

You know, and so the spirit and the body never really connected in a way

that made you a functional whole person.

So I had to mentally, mentally and imagination poor by it took a long time.

Then I had to feel my body and get acquainted with it.

Like it was a stranger because I didn't, you know,

There's actually a here, actually.

I think I'm using it as a stand for my microphone.

Yeah.

This is a book called the five personality patterns.

Um, it's by Stephen Kessler, it's based off the work of Reich, which was the first

character styles look, and that is called the leaving pattern or a scaphoid pattern,

but it's, uh, early childhood wound leaves the body as a defense mechanism.

And, um, it's very common actually for kids with various forms of trauma

in childhood to not remember any.

It's actually like a key, a clue when like, in both of the trainings that I'm

currently in, especially the one with GABA or latte, um, when his work, if

someone says they don't remember their childhood, but there was totally normal.

Uh, that's like his first clue that there's a lot there to explore because.

Not only from a spiritual standpoint and energetic, like you're talking about like

leaving and physically not being present in these two things being separate.

There's also, like you mentioned that, you know, your mother was extremely

stressed when she was pregnant and was extremely stressed when you were

young and that the stress hormones go in the child and the stress hormones

actually inhibit the part of the brain.

That's essential for recall now.

So if a young child is very stressed, the part of their brain that is

responsible for them by recall memory.

I mean like, cause the subconscious remembers everything, but by recall

memory, I mean like conscious memory, like I can't remember this thing or I can't

see this thing or like what we usually refer to as memory is actually recall the

subconscious mind remembers everything that's stored in the body it's stored

in the mind, but like, The cortisol and the other stress hormones actually shut

down the function of, and development of the part of the brain that is essential

for having those recall memories.

So like my wife, she remembers stuff from when she was like two years old.

She'll remember like a party she was at and what somebody was wearing.

I don't remember.

Uh, thing until I was probably about five or six, and even

then it's sketchy until later.

And so, um, but that pattern, if somebody is interested in learning

about that this book, the five personality patterns is, uh, excellent.

And it explains like how the origin of those, those patterns

and leaving is just one of them.

This gives away the not being present is just one of them.

And it's usually related to pre-birth or birth trauma, or really.

Trauma, because you're like you said it, in your words, like the

spirit of the energy, like it's unsafe, so checks out and it's you

said your return as you explained it was when your brother was born.

Right.

And so there was probably a deflection of some of the energy that you

had been the primary recipient of.

Uh, you know, gave a little space would be my unsolicited opinion on

how that, that might've happened.

But it was like,

I think that happened too, because now mom and dad

had had other things to do.

They had another child, their focus of their, yes, they had a

child to raise and they had to groom him to take over the farm.

And they had, they had a lot of work to teach him how to do everything

and they didn't have all the time to go to be as me all the time.

And respite.

So it was like, okay.

Of, there was some breathing room here, parents still didn't like

me, dad still didn't talk to me.

Mom still emotionally ranted on me all the time.

But now her focus on the beat.

I have to keep my son alive.

You know, he's gotten allergies, he's got Bronco conditions.

He's got, doesn't matter.

We got to keep him alive because he's carrying on the farm.

Right.

He's wise and he understands money and he can help us, you grow

and prosper and all that stuff.

And I was just, you know, another mouth to feed.

I would just, uh, just the thing that they had to deal with.

So when, when you asked a while ago, how this affected my body,

when I was learning how to.

And reconnect with my soul, feel my emotions express myself.

Then it was like a brand new world and my body was excited.

It was like, wow, there is something to live for.

There is some adventure in life.

There are some good things in life.

There is some positive things to make me feel good.

But then, um, as the years developed, you know, I still don't.

Challenges.

I couldn't deal.

I couldn't feel comfortable where I was living.

I couldn't feel comfortable with my job.

So I moved a lot.

I changed jobs a lot until I got into hypnotherapy.

And then I figured that, oh, this is my world, you know, but, through

COVID was another layer of stress.

And then I left where I was living because I didn't like it.

It was an old people's home, a senior citizen place, and they were paying.

Uh, controlling on us, on all of us.

And that triggered me all the control from my parents.

And I said, okay, I got to bust outta here.

So I stayed with a friend for a couple of months in Sacramento.

She didn't want me either.

So she was emotionally abusive.

So there's a whole nother layer of stress.

So then I finally found this place in Reno and I'm moving in and then.

I have my moving in.

I'm very tired.

It's late at night.

I slipped into the bathtub and fibromyalgia kicks in all over my

body is in pain, burning itching, pain from your deep from inside,

man, I'm going, oh my God, what is all of this I have to deal with?

So it took months and months of to deal with that.

So while I.

Cleared off some layers of stress, mentally and vibrationally.

I hadn't dealt with the nervous system.

And so now my whole focus, these last couple of months has been

resetting the nervous system.

So then I can't function without.

Without all of this stress and anxiety.

So I get rid of the brain fog that get rid of the pain.

I get rid of the reactions.

And while it's been difficult, getting through all of that physical pain,

it's been a real eye-opener as to how to deal with the nervous system and

how to learn to calm down and how to learn to breathe and how to learn,

to focus and enjoy nature and, and just expand that other aspect of.

That is my inner child looking for comfort and peace.

And you, and you did do functional medicine work as well.

In addition to that, right?

Because we, before we went on, you shared with me, your

practitioner that is in, is in Reno.

So you are combining kind of that approach.

Doing the work on your nervous system and the inner child and the social exploration

and the energetics and things like that.

And, and how has the progress with the fibromyalgia?

Like how are you now and how long was that tremendous?

After just a couple of weeks of working his program, changing my

diet, being on the supplements, dealing with more emotional stuff

that was coming up, allowing myself to self-express with painting.

Riding with poetry, all that stuff, reading more, accepting more, and then

starting with the, uh, dealing with the scoliosis because that locks up certain

muscles and nerves, and then you've got tightness and then the body doesn't work.

Once I learned that I was going to have to approach this, all

of these areas at the same time.

Then the fibromyalgia is gone.

And now I have maybe, um, maybe 2% of the pain that I used to have, and it

only comes and goes once in a while.

And the brain fog is lifting and it's like, oh, wow.

Finally, I'm like free.

And it's free, not just from the pain, but it's free from the past.

It's free from all of those buried emotions, all of that

buried self hate of that.

You know, conflict with the mom and the parents and the ancestral woundedness,

and, and I'm clearing out the ancestral trauma too, while I'm doing all of this.

So I'm pretty busy, but it's really coming together in a beautiful way.

Yes, totally.

It breaks the cycle.

And that was the one thing that I think my spirit knew I needed to do.

It was not just the fact that I had bad karma from past lives with all of these

members of my family, but it's also the fact that I had to deal with their

generational trauma, all of that for them, for my peace of mind, for energy flow.

And I could learn how to live by.

By integrating all of my parts.

Now, my intuitions alive and my creativity and, and myself love and respect.

They, I had to take, then I recently just finished a class on self-love

with teal Swan, and that was amazing.

I totally loved that.

And then I decided I should teach an anxiety class because I can touch some of

these points that other people are having.

And I can help them start to see the bigger, broader picture.

So I wrote it out, but I haven't promoted it yet.

And it's one of the things I need to, I need to get a team and a whole

bunch of stuff, you know, to, to move your, your wounding and your pain

and your struggles into medicine.

And, um, I can definitely go for other people.

I can definitely relate to that.

It seems like it's the only thing to do.

It's once I figured it out, a lot of this stuff for myself, I was like, well, this

is stuff that everybody needs to know.

Like, this is, this should be part of the human experience.

Like everyone needs to know this.

We, we, we operate in this society, in this culture in such like a closed

miniature minuscule kind of way.

Um, Due to, I mean, you touch on so many different disciplines and lineage of

healing and different types of things.

Even intergenerational trauma.

Like some people may hear that in our audience and like roll their eyes

or think like that's not a thing.

Well, there's, there's multiple levels on which that exists and

shows up like one they've shown.

And I believe it's my Surratt's or something 12 or 13

generations, if a rat or mouse.

I don't remember, I wrote it is traumatized in some way by a

sound or by a thing or whatever.

It's 12 or 13 generations later that they're offspring still

have a fear of that thing.

And so it changes the genetics for at least 12 or 13

generations that we're aware of.

And then also it's passed down in the behaviors themselves.

So that's the more like obvious programming of this person

abused or this person who abused this person who abused this.

Like, if you, if you do any backstory on like serial killers or like

abusers and rapists, and these types of people, almost a hundred percent

of them were abused as a child, like literally almost a hundred percent.

And.

This past down behavior, in addition to the genetic switching.

And so there's this, like people roll their eyes at that.

And I used to be one of them and there's, it's not only true.

There's multiple levels on which it's true.

Like there's different ways to look at it for the scientific mind, go

look at the epigenetics research for the last scientific mind.

Just look at the way that it shows up.

And, you know, uh, you mentioned that your mother was combative

with her mother all the time.

So of course there's going to be a continuation of.

You know that, and you are combative with her and it was, you know, the

reasons you were combative with her were probably the same reasons.

She was combative with her mother who is likely combative with her mother.

And these are things that are very, very real and that the child doesn't

sign up for, like, this is something you walk into and you're defensive.

And then that shapes your, you know, that shaped the people say, oh,

your, your mind shapes the world that you see, and that's true.

But what they often leave out is that before that happens,

the world shapes your mind.

Like it puts the lenses through which you see things and experience things there.

And then we operate.

From that from the abused child, from the terrified brain, from the nervous

system, that's heightened from the people are dangerous from the, I

can't have friends from the whatever, and we don't realize that those are.

Or multiple layers of masks on that be removed.

And the thing that, the thing that I want your listeners to understand

is that you need a source of energy.

When you're doing all of this, you need a really strong belief system

and the power and the guidance and the wisdom of your higher.

And until you get that, I don't, I think it's going to be very difficult

to do this kind of a program.

And so, as I was learning spirituality years ago, I was learning that,

what, what is the benefit?

What's the purpose of us even being here.

I had to go back very fundamental to that question and what I was coming

up with and what made the most sense.

And what everybody was saying is we're here to have experienced.

As a SOA antibody conquering all of these challenges to create collective energy,

collective consciousness for everybody.

And if we decide we don't like something, we just change our thoughts about it.

And we move in a different direction.

We don't have to be stuck.

We don't have to perpetrate all those old family belief systems,

the family woundedness, the hormonal changes, the ancestral panic trauma.

We don't have to do any of that.

We can say I'm done and I'm moving on.

And, and I've done that several times and that's what gets me through.

You have to have that really strong connection with your

higher self, and then you have to understand you have a purpose here.

And that purpose is to help elevate collective consciousness toward

the good, I couldn't agree more.

I have come to similar conclusions in my own journey.

And with those that I've had the pleasure of walking with and

learning from and learning with.

And, um, it's it, it really is so.

Mist and our culture, all of these things, and not only missed, like it's

an accident, but intentionally suppressed and intentionally driven out because it's

not the narrative, it's not the system.

This is a very like structured.

Patriarchal masculine type of system that doesn't involve things like energy

and soul and spirit and purpose and connection and divine and higher self.

And all of that.

Like you go to other cultures in the world share these things are commonly

understood, especially like indigenous cultures and indigenous healing.

Like.

This is all common sense to them.

They hear somebody talk about this stuff and they're like, of

course, this is how you do it.

And then they would look at our medical model and be

like, this is, this is insane.

And so like, of course, everybody's sick.

Look at this, look at how you live.

Like it's, uh, I've had the pleasure of honor of learning from several.

Wisdom keepers from indigenous traditions.

And it's like, it's almost, they find it almost comical

that it's like a mystery to us.

Why everybody is sick and unhealthy and unhappy and disease.

They're just like, look at what you do.

Like look at how you live.

Like I've gotten to learn from.

Some students direct students of the Dalai Lama when it comes to Tibet and Buddhism.

And they said when he first came to the United States for the first time and

he met a bunch of Americans, he said, I don't, I can't teach these people because

like, w we're so pulled away from what we really are by the time we're adults.

That like, he didn't even know how to reach them.

Like he couldn't even cause there's so many of these layers of trauma story and

misconceptions and walls and diversion, like, and we're in his culture, like in

Tibet and in the east, like there, they don't, they start teaching it as a child.

Like they start teaching these practices as a child.

And so that doesn't exist.

And he was like, I don't even know how to reach these people.

Now.

Obviously, if anybody out there has read his books now or watch his

videos or listen to the Dalai Lama talk, he's obviously figured out.

Yeah, a great deal of how to reach the Western thinker or mind, cause he's really

kind of fun and brilliant to listen to.

But at first he said, I don't know how to teach these people because we're

so far removed and in the functional medicine world, like the people who

are part of our community and audience, they understand that and know that.

And it's common sense from the aspect of like nutrition and.

Lifestyle and like ways of living and movement and things like that.

Like the paleo movement really brought that forward that were like way out

of touch with our natural way of being when it comes to what we eat and how

we move and how we live our lives.

But this other side of things.

With spirituality and emotions and, and, and the mental aspects and

the stories and like the attunement and the child that bringing in the

connection and the nervous system stuff.

We are just as, as a society, just as like out of alignment with.

What produces health there.

but that gets swept under the rug.

Like there's there's pills for that.

Just give them the antidepressants or give them the, I saw an article yesterday.

The headline was more Americans than ever are depressed.

We need new antidepressant drugs was the headline.

And it's like, no, that's.

But you just deducted from that is not the, that's not the story.

Like that's not, that's insane.

Like someone who understands these things could look at that and be like, this

is completely insane to think like, you know, no pill was going to help you.

Get through that all it could do is numb it out.

And like you said, at the beginning, you numb that out

and you miss everything else.

You do.

What?

Uh, when I lived in the bay area, I got to know some Indian families very well and.

Their lifestyle, their diet, their belief system, their everything, their community,

their sense of community was so strong.

And I was just, I was in awe.

I would just go every day and, you know, I was like, okay,

what can you teach me today?

I want to learn this.

And what, what is this book about?

And what's this theory about?

And what's, you know, less removed from the original.

Yeah.

Like they're less modern.

Like, I don't want to say less modernized because that's usually

used as like some sort of an insult, but like less modern society eyes.

Like it's been like in the U S you don't see Americans living in

like family units and communities.

Like most people don't know who their neighbors are.

There is no sense of as rugged individualism, and then you see

the immigrant communities and.

In this country and they're close together, they work together.

The family units are in one house or in a neighborhood, or they all know each other.

And it's this thing.

Well, no kidding.

Yeah.

That's what so impressed me.

It was not just their diet and it wasn't that they were

really more healthy than I was.

They got colds and all this kind of stuff too.

Cause they liked a dairy, but they had a.

There was peace in their soul.

There was peace in their mind.

They knew what their belief systems were, but around religion and

spirituality, they, they knew who they work, what they could do.

And they had a community.

They had a community.

I mean, they were tight.

They got this Yahoo pages, they got this group, they got third group.

They want something they're on each other's kids, like family,

getting jobs for each other.

Like it's.

Yeah.

Where do you, where do you buy this kind of food and where do you buy

that kind of vegetable and how do you deal with this at the school?

And they're communicating all the time, sharing all this information.

Everybody knows everybody else's business and it's okay.

It's not gossipy and it's not belittling degrading it's community.

It's like a village, like a tribe and I'm going, oh my God, we have

missed that in our whole society.

So how do I get that work?

And I'll be part of that.

I want to be part of the tribe.

Where's the, where do I sign up?

You know?

And they say, you're not Indian.

And give me a do over next time.

What is possible there's ways to create that.

And there's ways to find that.

And there's ways to, to explore that.

And I'm like th th that is an essential part of healing that

most people miss out on too.

Like a lot of our audience, like a common theme that I see in the chat rooms during

our webinars and things is like, How do I get my family on board with this?

Or how do I, you know, I don't have anyone to support me or I don't know

people like you guys in real life.

How do I find any people?

And it's a, it's a real challenge.

Like it makes doing any of this stuff much harder if, if you don't, if

you don't have that, that support.

So, um, well we're at about time and this has been.

Really enriching, I feel.

And, and I hope that everybody can appreciate, you know, I understand

the amount of work that you've done.

Um, I, I have an understanding of what are the results of what you

went through and, and what does that, where does that leave someone?

And what's.

Needed to move through that and how much this is not like a snap, your fingers

and decide I'm better type of scenario.

Like a lot of the things you've mentioned are a lot of work and they

w they were a lot of work and really hard, at least 10 years on this.

And then like five, 10 years before that, when I was learning to write

learning, to feel learning, to do all that stuff, it's been a long journey.

And I've had, you have had to drop connections with certain people to

drop connections for certain programs.

I had to take MDs out of my life, put, you know, functional medicine people,

and I've had to adjust all of those things so that I'm doing what's good for.

So then bringing in resources from me and to finally get to the point where you

start looking at yeah, me as important.

And I got to have a community of support people here, medical, you know, spiritual

people, all that around me to support me.

That's, that's a huge step to make.

And that's, that's another reason why I'll never go back to live in the Midwest.

Hey, as an Illinois boy who lives in California, I can't disagree

with your assessment there.

Um, there's I will also not be moving back to the Midwest anytime soon.

And I've actually been to Des Moines, Iowa, several times

and, uh, Omaha and those areas.

So.

Pretty familiar with the vast amount of nothing that's there and the

distance that was probably between your house and the nearest people.

And then like the social disconnect that goes on with that, especially, um, yeah.

And your situation.

So, uh, kudos to you and thanks for, for sharing it.

And now you do work to help others.

My work is on website called coaching by Amber, that com and on that website are

also links to my social media channels.

I'm on Facebook, LinkedIn, Twitter, uh, doula and Instagram now, and then,

and I'm soon going to be moving on to all of the new social media platforms

that are out there because they think they're going to be really valued.

So I have a couple of web Facebook groups that have transformed childhood

experiences, trauma and stress.

And I have one on anxiety team.

They can find me on Facebook, any of those groups and, uh, send me some

questions and comments and whatever.

I've just made some posts now.

And I've got some new blogs coming up and I've written two books.

Those books are on my website.

Congratulations on that.

That's no small feat.

I've kicked around the idea a few times.

And, the scale of it always gets the best of me.

And I think, no, you can't do that right now.

So at some point I'll jump in, but it's a big, I have a lot

of friends who are authors.

I know what I know what that is.

And so congrats on that and is a huge.

It's a huge energy thing to do that.

And it's, and that's even a small part of marketing is the big picture here.

The big of the big expense, the big time endeavor everything.

Yeah.

So I've got to boost that all up.

Well, hopefully we help out a little bit with that.

Everybody head over and check out Amber his work and her books and her

Facebook groups and everything else.

And thank you for reaching out.

I do really good service.

I'm sure that you do, you're working from experience and you

can understand where people are at.

And that's, that's a huge thing.

Um, in helping people heal in any regard as being able to see where they are

and understand where they are and, and for them to feel seen and understood.

And so, um, you have, unfortunately, all of the experiences necessary to be

able to, to do that, but then those, those burdens and those pains become.

So that's a really inspiring, so thank you for reaching out and

for volunteering to share and for coming on and sharing your story and

for everything that you're doing.

Thank you so much.