Shownotes
What if the exhaustion you feel isn’t from doing too much—but from saying yes too often? On Inner Peace: Better Health, hosted by Nazish, this episode explores the quiet cost of people-pleasing and the power of boundaries.
This conversation is for anyone who feels stretched, overlooked, or disconnected from themselves. Danny M. Goldberg shares how learning to say no, set expectations, and reclaim self-respect can rebuild confidence, improve relationships, and restore emotional balance—without losing kindness.
About the Guest:
Danny M. Goldberg is a serial entrepreneur, leadership trainer, and author of A Little Bit of…, a book focused on boundaries, self-respect, and personal growth.
Episode Chapter:
00:00 – The hidden exhaustion of always saying yes
03:40 – “Recovering nice guy”: Danny’s personal journey
07:20 – The real meaning behind setting boundaries
12:10 – People-pleasing and relationship struggles
18:30 – The invisible worker and career stagnation
24:15 – Boundaries, confidence, and inner peace
28:00 – One simple step to start saying no
Key Takeaways:
- Saying no is a skill that builds self-confidence over time
- Boundaries are a form of self-care, not rejection
- Being respected matters more than being liked
- Visibility matters as much as value in your career
- People-pleasing often leads to stress, guilt, and burnout
How to Connect With the Guest:
Danny can be found on LinkedIn, X(Twitter), and via his book on Amazon.
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Transcripts
00:00:09 Nazish: Today we are exploring something that might sound counterintuitive on a show about inner peace. The idea that learning to say no, to draw a line to protect your energy might actually be one of the most healing things you can do, not just for your career, for your body, for your peace. So welcome to Inner Peace, better Health on Healthy Mind by Awake Network. A space where we explore the deep, real connection between your inner peace, inner world, and your physical and emotional well-being. I am your host, and today I'm joined by someone who's new book, has a title that might make you do a double take, but whose message is is one of the most wellness aligned things I've come across. Danny M Goldberg is a serial entrepreneur, leadership trainer, and the author of A Little Bit of Asshole, a book about boundaries, self respect, reclaiming your value without losing your integrity. Danny, welcome to the show.
00:01:16 Danny Goldberg: Thanks for having me.
00:01:18 Nazish: Wonderful. So before we begin, listeners, some statements reflect personal belief and experiences and are presented as individual views, not medical advice. So listeners should consult qualified professionals for medical conditions.
00:01:37 Nazish: So, Danny, before we proceed ahead in the show, I want to ask you something about yourself. Like you describe yourself in your work as a as a recovering nice guy. And that phrase to me carries a lot because it means there was a version of you that was doing real harm to yourself by being kind to everyone else. So what was what did that feel like from the inside? Like, what was the cost of the way you, of living before you started to shift it?
00:02:10 Danny Goldberg: You know, I would say that the, you know, I kind of describe it as, you know, having like the angel and the devil on each shoulder. I have the nice guy and I have the person with boundaries on each shoulder. So it's still something to this day I struggle with. But throughout my life, my mom taught me be nice. Um, we my parents were immigrants to the United States. They said, be nice and everybody will like you. And so I was nice to everybody. Um, to a fault, quite frankly. And in college, I started to develop a little bit of more of an edge to myself. I started setting more boundaries. Um, as I've gotten older, um, when I had kids, my kids are eighteen and seventeen, I started to let those boundaries go a little bit because I wanted my kids, I wanted to give my kids everything that I never got because we grew up relatively poor. And, And they're not obviously. And so I started to release some of those boundaries in addition to. I got divorced five years ago and I started to see what the dating world is in today's world. And it's, it's, it's a lot of monetary acceptance. What I mean by that is women want to be financially supported at all times, even if they have their own money. And so what I had to do is start to really hone my edge a little bit. And because quite frankly, I was losing, to your point, the version of myself, I wasn't myself anymore. I was more focused on pleasing others versus taking care of myself. So I've learned to set better boundaries. I've learned to say no. I'm still far from great at it, but I've also learned the power of just saying no. It builds that that aura or self-confidence about you, where once you get to a point where you feel comfortable saying no and setting boundaries, you'll do it all the time without hesitation.
00:03:49 Nazish: That is so true. This behavior inside us of people pleasing this behavior inside us to just put others need ahead of our own is so, so much. They're sometimes like, it just changes so many things. And once we learn how much better it can get for us when we you set boundaries like this is your limit. This is what a person cannot cross. Then you realize that there are so often times that you don't let anybody hurt you that much as well.
00:04:23 Danny Goldberg: Yeah, it's it's I think it's a creature of today's society because everybody wants social media validation. Everybody wants an echo chamber of confirming everything they believe versus being honest with somebody, quite frankly. And honesty, I think, and I think you see it now in the AI tools that are being used, you know, their echo chambers, they tell you what you want to hear versus what you need to hear. So I think I'm hoping there's a return to society of bitter, um, tactfully direct honesty where, you know, you've got to have people in your life that can look at you and say, no, that's a stupid idea. Do not do that. Because if you don't, you're going to go down the wrong path. And I've done that many times myself.
00:05:06 Nazish: I agree, you know, that comfort with saying no changes a lot of things, uh, for yourself and how you show up everywhere else. So, you know, Danny, let's, uh, I want to ask you about the title first because it is stuck in my head because I think it does important work like it provokes, it provokes, and then it reframes. So when you hear a little bit of asshole, most of them probably picture alter ego aggression, but that's not what you mean at all of it. So what is the actual philosophy behind it? Like, why did you choose such a confrontational title to carry such a grounded message.
00:05:49 Danny Goldberg: Because I wanted to catch people's attention. I wanted it to be provocative. Everybody that I talked to about the book, they say, quite frankly, they love the title because I think it actually summarizes what everybody should be. Um, everybody needs. You know, it's important for people to see you as somebody, um, capable of being an asshole, you know, capable of setting boundaries, capable of saying no. And I think that's extremely healthy. So I wanted to catch people's attention. But to your point, the message is it's not being a jerk all the time. It's balancing respect, focusing on respect versus being liked, making sure people don't walk all over you while still being successful and being a likable person.
00:06:34 Speaker 1: Yes.
00:06:35 Nazish: That is so important. It sounds less about being harsh and more about being clear, like the balance that you're talking about there being being firm without losing the sense of respect and without letting others lose. That sense of respect for yourself is so important.
00:06:54 Danny Goldberg: Now, I will give you an example. I was dating somebody a while back and she would always get upset when I did. She'd say, we always have to have a talk, you know? So but I would tell her, say, hey, this doesn't work for me. If this continues, then this probably isn't going to work. And she'd be like, why do you have to say that? You know? She'd always get upset about it. I told her, because I've got to set expectations. You know, I want you to understand what I'm looking for in a relationship. If you don't want to understand that, then so be it. She goes, well, it's going to naturally develop. Well, I agree with her to an extent, but I think it's important to your, you know, to exactly what your point you were driving at is setting expectations for people, you know, because again, if people don't understand what the expectations are in a relationship, they'll never be successful.
00:07:35 Nazish: Absolutely. And I think this example that you're giving it is something that a lot of my listeners, even I can say personally, we would we are going on in relationship with with our partner, in relationship with our friends, in, in multiple relationships of our life.
00:07:54 Danny Goldberg: This has been my biggest challenge, honestly, because, um, this, this young lady I was talking about, I'm very much in love with her. She's fantastic. I want to be with her. I always had, I never had a problem setting boundaries with my ex wife. In fact, my ex wife told me, uh, this weekend, she said it was your way or the highway. I'm like, I don't know about that. But she said, you know, you were very clear on what you wanted. And, um, I think I've almost, to a certain extent softened a little bit. And I'm regaining that edge right now.
00:08:22 Nazish: I think, I think that, you know, when you are so much in love, when you are so much in attraction towards that person, you can just there's a lot that can happen. There's a lot that goes on that makes you just go way beyond your what you would normally do with other people, and to go way beyond your capacities to just make that person feel happy.
00:08:47 Danny Goldberg: One hundred percent. It happens. It happens to everybody. Yeah, everybody. You know, it's like you just want them to be happy. So. But the more you try to make them happy, the less happy they are.
00:08:59 Speaker 1: So true.
00:09:01 Nazish: So, so true. And I am blown right now because it is gonna, it is gonna land with a lot of our listeners today because it is something they all must be facing it. But you know, putting it into words that the more you try to make them happy, the more they are not. It is something that that is going to make them rediscover their whole relationship with whatever, whoever that person is.
00:09:24 Danny Goldberg: And if they don't respect the boundaries, then it's, it's not a relationship that's going to work out. Simple as that, you know, and, and, you know, instead of being, you know, and I would say that I'm, I'm somewhat emotional at times, instead of getting emotional about it with this young lady, I would always, you know, I'd always get upset because I'm like, I really want to be with her and she wants to be with me. But I would right away tell her, you know, it's if I don't set those boundaries, then I'm going to be in a relationship I don't want to be in. And and that's a problem. And I will eventually end it. And I don't want to do that. So I'd rather set expectations up front, um, set those boundaries. And if they continue to cross them, then it's time to move on.
00:09:57 Speaker 1: Yeah.
00:09:58 Nazish: Right. Keeping the clarity, but a bit more awareness, which is a perfect combination. So you have a concept in your book around what you call the invisible worker, a person who consistently delivers, constantly show up and somehow keeps getting passed over. So just like we said that that resonates deeply. So from a mind body perspective, I think chronic invisibility has a real physical toll, like stress depletion, even resentment that we store in the body. So what does that look like and why? Where does it come from?
00:10:37 Danny Goldberg: You know, we give the invisible worker syndrome. I've got a few examples. Sarah, the silent star who always delivered exceptional work but never spoke up in meetings. You've got Mike, the modest who solved critical problems but always deflected credit. You know, it's a team effort. Um which is again, it's not a necessarily a bad habit to have. And then you've got Jessica the yes machine, which is that's who I usually am. And I'm sorry about that. Um, Jessica the yes machine, which is me, you know, it's, she says yes to everything and sets an unrealistic expectation. Well, what happens is these are the people that get taken advantage of in the workplace. These are the people that other people take credit for. Um, and, and step on in order to, to climb the corporate ladder. Um, you know, with that, we have the visibility formula. And again, it's, it's good to have balance value times visibility equals advancement, you know, you've got to provide value, there's no doubt about it. But if that value isn't visible to people, what's the point. You know, there there's, there's no, there's no value creation, I guess, you know, because it's not visible. So we've got some strategies for creating value and strategies for enhancing visibility, which I think is important for everybody.
00:11:49 Nazish: Yes, those examples really make it relatable because a lot of people see themselves in that. You know, it shows good traits without it shows how good traits without balance can actually work against you. People walking all over you taking credit for your work. I mean, value alone isn't enough if it is not visible.
00:12:14 Danny Goldberg: I one hundred percent agree. And you know, let's take a step further. These invisible workers do not advance as far as they should in their careers. You have that other five to ten percent of people that are a little more ruthless, a little bit of an asshole that tend to advance into executive management positions.
00:12:31 Nazish: Yes, yes, yes, I, I completely agree.
00:12:33 Danny Goldberg: You know what, let me mention one more thing. Like I would, I would talk about my little brother who's, who's advanced a lot in his career, the nicest person you'll ever want to meet. But he has an edge to him, you know? He, you know, if necessary, people know, hey, don't do this or this is going to happen. And so I think that's what makes him so successful is he is a great guy. And I think we all are. Me and all my brothers are. But people know not to go too far.
00:12:59 Nazish: Yeah. I mean, I agree you should be. What makes you better at your work, like you should prioritize yourself are a lot of places, just like you said, that boundaries are so important in our life.
00:13:15 Danny Goldberg: You lose sight of who you are when you don't set boundaries. You're so focused on pleasing others. You just don't don't want to please yourself anymore. And I kind of lost sight of who I really am. And by regaining that, you know, we talk about how this connects to self confidence. This rebuilds your self confidence completely because you know what you want and you're not scared to walk away from something that you don't.
00:13:38 Nazish: Absolutely. It actually puts in a lot of confidence in you. And, you know, this is such an honest observation. And what I appreciate is that you're not framing this as a character flaw, but it as a pattern that was probably adaptive at some point. And it kept someone safe, like someone it kept them liked, kept things smooth. So they kept continuing it. And the question is whether it is still serving them.
00:14:07 Danny Goldberg: Yes. Yeah. And, and I would say that people that, that are like this avoid conflict no matter what, even though the conflict, conflict is just two views, two different views coming together and trying to understand each other. It doesn't have to be a confrontation, it doesn't have to be an argument, but we build it up into something so much more. So by avoiding it, you make it much, much bigger. And really, the reason why we don't talk about controversial subjects or things that we're a little scared to talk about is we get emotional and, um, we don't respect the other person. If you actually respect the other person you're talking to and you don't get emotional. You can talk about everything. And I talk about politics. I talk about religion with my friends. And because of that respect, we're comfortable understanding someone's view and respecting their view. But if you're like this, if you're a people pleaser, you avoid conflict at all cost.
00:14:59 Nazish: Yes. Because. Because you are. Yeah, absolutely. Because you are so used to that assurance. You are so used to keeping those things smooth and running and people liking you at all times. I feel like it is so difficult for them to take that negativity, take that, you know, dislike from other people for even a moment. Like when someone just does not like I can personally know I know what being a people pleaser feel like because there was a time, there is a time in everybody's life when they are at that moment when they are trying. so hard to just have that validation from people around them so that they would just go beyond like they would skip their meals to help other person. And I know that.
00:15:48 Danny Goldberg: Yes. And, you know, I think one of the most freeing things, and again, this is something I'm still honing in on. Um, people look for outward acceptance versus inward. Um, I just go inward acceptance, accepting yourself for who you are. And I think that's really important. I shouldn't have to. One of the things I always tell people is it's the most freeing thing in the world to not give a shit what people think. And again, it's the people I care about. I, I, I always care what they think, but everybody else in the world, it doesn't matter what you think. You might think I'm a jerk. Okay, cool. You know, that's it. You know, that's that's not a problem for me. But overall, that's not that's not driving me. And that's not building my ego and building my aura and building my self confidence. It's what I think of myself is what matters.
00:16:33 Nazish: Yes. So, you know, I am curious, like in your experience, how does this, uh, kind of pattern affects the nervous system and overall well-being?
00:16:44 Danny Goldberg: Uh, honestly, what would happen for me is again, I would have that little people pleaser on my shoulder and he would take over. And what I felt is guilt, I felt remorse, I felt like I was being taken advantage of. Um, quite frankly, it would make it got me to a point at times where I wouldn't be able to sleep good at night because I was so stressed out because I'm like, why did I allow that to happen? You know, it is in my control. Why am I allowing it to happen? So yes, it does impact your overall well-being. It impacts your nervous system, impacts your sleep, because again, you don't feel like your authentic self anymore. You feel like someone else.
00:17:22 Speaker 4: Yeah, I mean, I can.
00:17:24 Nazish: Relate with that. Yes, that is super true. And you know, it is such a beautiful way to put it because boundaries as a form of self-care, not a wall and or a container, like something that holds you so you can actually give your fullness rather than your depletion.
00:17:45 Danny Goldberg: Yes.
00:17:46 Nazish: Which is something. Yeah. So true. So, you know, your book is very much rooted in entrepreneurship and leadership, but, you know, did you did you find like, as you wrote that a line between professional assertiveness and personal peace was actually much thinner than people think?
00:18:06 Danny Goldberg: Yes, one hundred percent. And, you know, this book is I've written a lot of six other five other books. Um, a lot of them on communication skills. And this is again, the most provocative. And you've got to be tactfully direct. You've got to be tactfully aggressive. It doesn't mean you're aggressive all the time. It just means strategically you take opportunities. Um, again, it's, it's a fine line between cockiness and confidence, but I'd rather toe the line between cockiness and confidence then. Have no self-confidence at all. So it's a fine balance between the two. But I'd rather lean to the to the left and to the right.
00:18:44 Nazish: That is. That is one way. That is like the. But I think but I personally think that that balance between confidence and cockiness is, is really a fine line. And it sounds like you're, it's. And it is important for people to realize which way they have to lean into to make it better for themselves. And awareness is so important for all of our listeners and everybody around us as well.
00:19:11 Danny Goldberg: Yes, that and again, I was not striking the appropriate balance for, for quite a while. And just, um, it was quite frankly impacting my overall health. And the more I focused on me, you know, they always say, you know, are you dating? It's like, no, I'm focusing on me and there's nothing wrong with that because you need to love yourself before you can love another. And you need to. You need to make sure that you're getting the the needs met, the love that you want from that other person. Um, at times, you know, you, you people get lonely. So they want to date whomever because they just want to be with somebody. And that's not healthy for anybody.
00:19:48 Nazish: I couldn't agree more with you. I mean, this is something that you this is something that me as a woman like I have seen my other female friends being a ten and settling for someone who is just, just, just no words for them and just doing that, just, I don't sometimes I fail to understand that why are they doing it? But yes, they do it to just loneliness. Just so many things help them. And yeah, it is something that I am. I think it is going to land with a lot of our listeners today.
00:20:26 Danny Goldberg: For the last few years, I always thought, you know, I always make the statement, I'm always dating out of my league. I'm always dating above my league. Um, and what I've started to realize is I, I, I had the opportunity to date a lot of many attractive women, which is awesome, but they're not out of my league. Actually, in fact, a lot of them are not in my league. Because again, when you start looking at when you go past physicality, and that's one of the reasons why we've been focused on a dating app over the last few months. And when you get past physicality, um, what is it about? It's about, uh, brains. It's about personality. It's the things that keep you there versus attract you first. And, and so that's why I, I started to realize that I need to date people in my league. So to your point, you know, it's like, I, you know, I'm not a ten, but I do, I'm okay. And I need to date people that are more similar versus, and again, not from a physical standpoint, but from emotional, mental standpoint.
00:21:17 Nazish: It is absolutely important. Like you cannot be attained by you what you look, you can be a ten by how you are emotionally, how you understand other person's feeling, how much available you are when they need you, That is what makes you, makes you a very good person to be with.
00:21:36 Danny Goldberg: Yes, I I've seen a lot of attractive women look very ugly.
00:21:41 Nazish: Yes. I mean, okay, so yeah, I mean, I love, I love how that, you know, it, that it starts with the breath because the breath is always the entry point in this kind of work. Yeah, yes, I agree. So Danny, for, so for anyone who is listening right now, who is tired, who has been kind, accommodating and endlessly available person for so long that they don't even know how know what their own needs are anymore. So what would you want them to hear? Not as a leader, not as an entrepreneur. Just one human to another.
00:22:20 Danny Goldberg: You know, I think you should focus on being respected versus being liked. And I think there's little things you can do to make incremental gains on a daily basis. For example, just look at yourself in the mirror in the morning and say, I'm going to say no to somebody today. I'm not going to do what people want me to do because it doesn't fit what I want. And once you start doing that, you'll make incremental gains and build that self confidence to say, this is what I want and I'm willing to go get it versus this is what that person wants. So I'm going to give it to them.
00:22:49 Nazish: Absolutely. That is so true. And you know, Danny, if there is one thing that I am going to take with myself after this conversation is that the idea of boundaries is not a sign of coldness. They are a sign of self knowledge. And self knowledge is where inner peace actually begins. Like you cannot find peace in your life, in your life if you have designed it entirely around the people's other people's comfort.
00:23:19 Danny Goldberg: I couldn't have put it better myself. I can't agree with you more.
00:23:22 Nazish: Yeah. So Danny, for everyone listening right now, who wants to find your book, connect with you or explore your work further, where can they go?
00:23:31 Danny Goldberg: Um, you can go to Amazon and find our book there. Um, you can also go to the website a little bit ahole dot com. And that's going to be up here in the next, um, it's, it's going to be up now and you can order the book there in North America as well. And you can also connect with me on LinkedIn or on Twitter or any social media as well. Danny M Goldberg.
00:23:53 Nazish: Absolutely. Thank you so much for sharing that with us. Thank you so much for being on the show with us. And you know, Danny, you have brought such beautiful insights, such honest conversations, such connecting words to us. I am deeply, deeply. It was beautiful to have you here.
00:24:12 Danny Goldberg: Thank you. I really appreciate I enjoyed the conversation.
00:24:15 Nazish: Yes. And to all our listeners, if something landed for you today, I hope you carry it gently, not as a pressure to change everything at once, but as a small, honest question. Where in your life Are you saying yes when your whole body is asking for something different? And that question enough is to start. This is inner peace, better health on healthy mind by Awake Network. I am Nazish. Take good care of yourself. We will be back with you soon.
