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We have been fed a lie about boundary setting, which is that there are only two ways to communicate them. 

Either being assertive and bolshie and all up in someone's grill and laying down the law and demanding what we need. Or backing down and staying well-liked, but never quite actually saying what we need. 

This is such a load of rubbish. We see it play out culturally a lot, but it's just not true. There is a beautiful middle ground. Louisa Clarke shares with us her three-step formula for setting boundaries and communicating them in a way that is forward-moving, respectful, and productive. 

Let’s dive in. 

[00:00] The Power of Asking for What You Need

[00:37] The Importance of Having Clear Boundaries

[01:57] The Three-Step Formula For Setting Boundaries

[02:01] Step 1: Firm Up Your Decision

[03:03] Step 2: Acknowledge, Validate, Permit (AVP)

[04:56] Step 3: Use I Perspective Language

[08:31] Are we getting better at boundary setting?

Mastering, asking for what you need is game

changing in terms of joy at work.

Done badly, this looks like grown adults throwing their toys out of the pram.

Done well I don't really see this being done well very often.

So when I met Louisa Clark, a specialist in high risk communications consulting,

I was so excited to hear how she advises individuals to communicate their unique

needs with clear boundaries in ways that work for both individual and company.

Let's dive in.

Louisa, in our first conversation together, we talked about Why we feel such

pissed offness around unclear boundaries.

And it was such a good conversation.

I've had to bring you back to go deeper.

So in this conversation, I'd love to go deeper on your recommendations

on communicating boundaries.

What I really want to know is how do we set those clear boundaries at work that

allow us to thrive without looking like we're throwing our toys out of the pram.

Yes!

Oh my goodness, yes.

It's such an important step, right?

Because noticing it is one thing, but actually finding the words to know that

we can communicate this in a way that is forward moving, that is respectful, that

is productive is a whole other thing.

So let's get into that a little bit.

The first thing I think is to remember that we have been fed a bit of a lie

about boundary setting, I believe, or any difficult conversation, actually,

which is that we've got a binary choice.

And that is either being assertive and bolshie and all up in someone's

grill and laying down the law and saying what we need or backing down

and staying well liked, but never quite actually say anything we need.

This is such a load of rubbish.

We see it play out culturally a lot, but it's just not true.

And that is a beautiful middle ground, which is where this boundary

setting that I advocate for comes in.

I use a three step formula for setting a boundary for how

we actually communicate it.

The first step is to firm up the decision for yourself, really

specifically about what that boundary is.

So is it that it's a hard no to whatever's coming your way?

Is it a, that's not possible the way it's come to me, but it

would be if I had X, Y, and Z?

Is it a, I need to definitely be finished by 4.

30 p.

m.?

Whatever the boundary is, Take time, don't go in thinking, Oh yeah, I'll

set that boundary cause it's not feeling good for me without a clear

idea of exactly what that boundary is because you won't do it, right?

So firm up the decision for yourself and get really specific.

What do I need here?

What is in alignment with my integrity?

What is in alignment with what is expected of me, but what is also

really honoring what I need within it?

Thats the first thing.

In deciding to set the boundary and getting clear on what that

boundary is, that will stir certain things up in your body.

Thats a messy isn't it?

Yeah,

At the prospect of even saying this stuff.

So step number two.

Again, it's from a psychologist whose work I love, but she calls it AVP.

And AVP stands for acknowledge, validate, permit.

And what that means is I have made the decision for myself.

I'm going to set this boundary about having to finish by 4 PM on a Thursday.

No more 3:30 PM meetings or quarter to four meetings on a Thursday or

beyond, because I am going to get to my child's swimming lesson.

That matters to me.

And I spoke to them about it before starting work and it just seems

to have crept in more and more.

So that's the boundary I'm going to set, right?

And I think, oh my god, I'm actually going to articulate something I need.

What I do is I acknowledge, first of all, just for myself, what comes

up for me as a result of that.

I'm just going to acknowledge how I feel.

Oh my God.

That makes me feel a bit like I want to vomit.

I feel really unsure about this.

I feel terrified about it.

I feel okay about it.

I feel really strong, whatever it is, right?

Just acknowledge how you are feeling.

Secondly, validate it.

Of course, I feel this way.

I've got to go in and ask for something I need in a situation

where I don't generally like to.

Maybe you're a little bit of a people pleaser.

Maybe you're someone that just never likes to ruffle feathers.

You prefer it when you can be easygoing.

Your system's going to panic a bit about you doing this and that makes sense.

It makes sense because it's new.

So validate it.

And finally permit it.

I am allowed to feel nervous.

I am allowed to feel a bit like I want to vomit.

I am allowed to find this difficult and I can go in and have the conversation.

It just shifts us out of slightly resisting what's going on in our

body, berating ourselves somewhere unconsciously for the fact that we're

finding it difficult in the first place.

It brings it into the light and brings us into alignment with it.

So yeah, you firm up the decision and then you AVP how you feel about.

And then the third step then is you use.

I perspective language.

So first person perspective language to communicate what you need.

Here's another little mini three step.

You do that by stating what has happened or what's going on, what

you've noticed, how that impacts you and what you need from here.

And you start every sentence with an I.

That's the I perspective bit.

So in this case, the example I've given, it would be, I've noticed

that meetings keep being put in on a Thursday afternoon after 3:30pm.

I had asked at the point of taking this job that meetings

weren't in that time slot.

The impact for me is I end up missing my son's swimming lesson, and it

really matters to me that I get there.

I am happy to work beyond that time.

up until five o'clock the other days of the week or whatever the agreement is.

And for me, that afternoon really matters.

I really care about being there.

So moving forwards, I would like us to have a conversation about how

we commit to an agreement between us and the team in general, that

meetings do not go in at that time.

And if they absolutely have to, it's okay that I'm not present because

I won't be able to do it anymore.

And then we tag on at the very end.

How does that land for you?

Add curisoisty in.

Yeah.

And so what that means is we're going to do something new.

So whether it's messy, emotionally or not, it's new that it will be messy.

And then we acknowledge that when we're not in the room, as opposed to this

happening all when in this is the room.

And that's when I've seen it go very wrong.

And there's just too much emotion that's been brought.

And then you say.

Does that work for you?

I love that end bit, yeah?

Because it's not just about me, it's about us, and it's about we.

totally.

And it's really okay to know that in asking, how does that land for you?

You're not opening it up to debate for whether your

boundary is, is movable or not.

If that's your boundary, that's your boundary.

But what it is saying is I acknowledge that it's not just me here.

So I'm curious about how this lands for you.

And I'm open to talking about what the impact of this decision is for you.

And then we can, Get both of our needs on the table and co operate literally, right?

We can co work about a solution.

But now that I've let you know that is just not possible for me to meet

beyond three 30 on a Thursday, I get to put down the resentment.

I feel every single time that it happens.

I am acknowledging my responsibility that if I'm not re advocating for that

boundary, it might get pushed at times because we're busy and life is busy.

And I'm also genuinely, I'm not coming in and wanting to just overpower you.

I want to come in and have a conversation with you where I make

it clear what my needs are and in what ways they are totally non

negotiable, but that I'm human.

And I want to know that.

Yeah, we can find a way to make this work that isn't also going to mean

that you're now resentful with me.

And this is critical for any team working, isn't it?

That the individuals within the team, first of all, know what they want and

need to thrive individually, but also can communicate the boundaries, the edges of

those, so that then the team can thrive.

And if that happens in every team, the company can thrive.

Thrives.

This seems, you're making this so logical, so clear.

I love your three step formula.

Love a three step.

Why don't people do it more often?

Or let me ask a better question.

Are we doing this more often?

I would love to say, I think we are starting to

do it a little bit more often.

The reason that we haven't been generally is we haven't been taught.

We haven't been taught how to do this.

And there's all sorts of social noise around putting yourself first,

advocating for your needs first, that often bumps up against some kind of

adjectives that aren't particularly appealing to have assigned to you like

self centeredness or selfishness or putting yourself above others or first.

And That's what I mean about there's such a cloudy idea that this is a binary thing.

Of course, it doesn't need to be that you are coming in and completely

overpowering a load of other people, but the alternative to that doesn't need to

be not getting any of your needs met.

And in fact, if you take that route, everybody loses because you're

carrying the weight and frustration and irritation of what's going on.

They don't know about that.

You're going in feeling resentful.

Give them a chance to really connect with the best version of you.

And sometimes that requires you actually naming the thing

that you need and the impact.

Very often people don't know what the impact genuinely

is, how it's affecting you.

It might even be sharing.

I feel so gutted when I miss my son's swimming lesson.

Like maybe name the emotional bit of it.

How do you actually feel about the fact that you're missing it?

We need to have these conversations more.

I really hope they're happening more.

Because it honestly, it's the foundation of everything in terms

of a meaningful and effective forward moving working relationship.

If you enjoyed this, you might also enjoy my

Life Satisfaction Assessment.

It's a 30 minute program where I guide you through a deep dive into 10 areas

of your life to assess what's bringing you joy and what's bringing you down.

I call it D Railed.

It's a fabulous place to begin a joy at work redesign.