Serena talks with Rachel Gooen, Facilitator & Therapist, on her healing journey through depression, setting the right boundaries and creating the right environment to recover.

You can find more about Rachel here:

• Rachel's website

Welcome to I'm back today, I'm going to have a conversation with

Rachel Gooen facilitator coach trainer.

. We are going to discuss today.

her with depression and also the importance of setting the right

boundaries, creating the right environment for you to recover and to heal.

And some advice or best practice on how can you handle

difficult moment in your life?

Thank you so much, Rachel, for being here.

The first question is what means I'm back to you?

Thank you for having me.

feel really honored to be here.

And for me, what means I'm back is I can feel as if I want to be

around people and that I want to express and show everybody who I am

again and that I'm not letting it.

Thoughts in my head that have nothing to do with what's

happening externally affect me.

as strongly as, as they once did.

so it's connected to mental health.

most \definitely.

You know, it's funny because we, we separate out our mental

health from our body's health.

And to me, the mind is just another organ it's not, or the brain.

is and we've treated it for so long as something.

Okay.

Well, if your brain isn't functioning so well, then that means that you are

not functioning well, and there's a huge stigma around mental health and I

think one thing that the pandemic, the gift that it gave to us is showing how

mental health is just as important as physical health and at a time in my

life previous, where I really was not able to physically be present because

of what was happening in my brain.

I like the opportunity now for people to feel okay.

Talking about it as if it's no big deal as if they broke their

ankle on an epic adventure.

When you know, my brain hurt and the responses of that happened because

I had an epic adventure, but it was an epic adventure of the heart

. When I was 30, I think I

I had a tremendous heartbreak I had been with.

Uh, Man, who I really, for, for seven years that I really

thought that I was going to marry.

And My whole identity.

was I wouldn't say my whole identity, but my heart really was invested in him.

And it became very clear that this relationship was not going to, to happen.

I mean, we broke up, we had been trying to make it work and it didn't.

I had a reaction that

I did not expect.

I actually became clinically depressed and I didn't even know it.

One day I woke up and I called a girlfriend and I said, Hey, can you

go shopping with me for some clothes?

Because for some reason, none of my clothes are fitting me.

And we went to the, you know, to the department store and normally

I was a size six or eight.

And I said, well, maybe I'll try a six.

And she brings me a six and it doesn't fit.

Well, maybe I'll try a size four.

She brings me a four, it doesn't fit.

I was a size zero, and I had been So depressed without really knowing it

and recognizing it that I had lost so much weight that I was 106 pounds.

And so to me, the idea of mental health, it's actually physical health as well.

And it is totally one.

I happened to be back in graduate school at the time I went back

to school for social work.

And you would think that working at a therapy clinic as well as

being in a educational program that is about people's wellbeing.

That other people around me would question, Hey, what's going on?

I noticed that you're losing a lot of weight or you're not as

happy you're really distracted.

You can't sit still.

You're really not as able to take on as much work as you could.

You don't seem as tolerant.

To difference than you used to be, but there was none of that.

And I was, had to really stop and think like what's happening to me.

And so I confided in my supervisor at work, who was a therapist and he

said, yeah, I've been watching you.

I think you're depressed.

I knew that I, my heart was broken and I knew that I didn't, when I came home

from work, I didn't want to leave my house, or I felt such heartache and

pain, but I didn't know that it could make you depressed to the fact, to

the point where you weren't eating.

And I knew it.

I knew that it could happen.

I didn't know.

It looked like me because I was going to.

I was getting my schoolwork done.

I was showing up at work.

I could function.

Right.

But all the TV commercials were like, if you want to, if you stay in bed

and you're not getting out of bed, or if you, you know, don't have the

energy to do the things you love.

And that wasn't me.

Like I loved school.

I loved going to work.

I just thought that, you know what I thought.

So it's like if your personal identity changed, but your professional

identity remain the same, at least for the first period, I think.

And then what

Yeah.

As I, as I started to really.

Except or notice what was happening to me, then my awareness became like,

oh, I'm afraid to leave my house.

I began to see how I was really shutting down.

I started sharing with people what was going on and what

happened was interesting.

You know, some of my professors, even though they were therapists or social

workers, They didn't really care.

They thought I was like, oh, what, what could have happened in your life?

Everything was, looks great on the outside.

And I don't think it's actually socially accepted to think that the severing of

a relationship is something that can cause someone to become really depressed.

I think they there's this idea that you have to have been traumatized

or you have to have some major.

Major thing.

But trauma to your hearts when you're, and I know that sounds so silly.

But it's really about attachment, right?

Like we are people that feel attached to other people and some

in law is really the connection.

And so, I mean, it took a couple, I'd have to say it took me about three

years to crawl out of depression.

I had to relearn how to think.

I had to learn how to not believe everything my mind was telling me.

So I had what's called an anxious depression, which is like, anxiety is

really more present than depression.

And so I had to learn when my body feels numb and tingly or panicky, that's

just a reaction my body is having.

And if I can notice it and be with it, I can learn to ride the wave of it.

And so I had to do a lot of active work.

As I said, luckily I was at a counseling center.

Where I worked and I had , my particular supervisor was very gracious.

My social work program was not as gracious, so I just kind of

really focused all my attention on my work to get support.

And then you know, I luckily had supportive family members who,

you know, after some of my friends were like, What's your problem.

It's just the, there's a thing.

So I live in Montana and some of them would say, well, the best way to get

over a cowboy is to get under a cowboy.

And that just felt so like nobody knew and understood what I was going.

Do you think that if their work environment was more ready to

support you understand you, it could be a little bit different or less to say.

Yeah.

I think, you know what, and I think if I think about work at that time

as my graduate program, I think if the professors who really were

supposed to be about the welfare of people and making safe environments

if they had been more open-minded even though this is the ironic part.

Right.

And I think partly why I wanted to talk about this is that if they could have.

Been more open to what happens when a person gets depressed and seen it just

like if somebody breaks their leg and then I think I could have gotten more

support and that support would have been some accommodations as far as you

know, verbal support lengthening of time that I needed, to, turn things in.

Also, it was very hard for me to be in a room of 30 people.

I I couldn't handle the distractions.

The, in the sensory input was too much when I was that depressed.

Which people don't talk about when you're depressed, they think, oh, it's

just someone feeling bad and they're lumped in the corner, but all, any

sensory input that comes in is a lot.

And so there are only one professor who was an outstanding

therapist in the community.

I just, I said, I can't sit.

It's too hard for me to sit.

I'm going to walk in the back of the room back and forth

and they want to be present.

And she said, well, that's okay.

But other people didn't like that.

They thought that that was just too distracting.

Or I would try to knit, or I would try to, I say.

I can't come.

Can I give somebody a recording?

And then I'll listen to it later.

And I think that, you know, here they were training a bunch of

professionals to go out in the world and help people and they could have.

Different and more supportive and understanding.

And this is really important for me, because it's so hard to be

open and honest and share with your work environment, what are your needs?

So what do you think about this?

For me was the shame, for example,

Yeah, it was very shameful.

I didn't think I was a person that would get depressed like this, where

I thought of myself as really strong.

And here I was training to be someone that helped other people and, and

I didn't even know what was okay.

To ask for, for help, because I didn't have a great perspective.

And when I did finally realize what I needed for help, it, it

was hard when people said, well, that's really not going to work.

That's too distracting for other people.

And so it was like I was missing out.

I was like, I have to miss out on all of this because it's

a very simple accommodation.

You know, So yeah, I think getting the courage up to ask for what you need.

And then I think also I had to make some choices about what it meant for me.

How, how do I express who I am and be okay with it?

Like, I, it was a real identity shift, like, oh, does this mean now?

I'm a depressed.

Does this mean that I'm a person that's going to be depressed the rest of my life.

This is how people are going to see me and is that acceptable?

And then will this always happen to me whenever anything doesn't work out.

And so how do I go through, do I have to craft and create a specific life for

me where, when this happens in know, you know, and, and people weren't.

Very open to talking about that or even sharing.

Oh yeah.

That was hard.

When that happened to me.

So something that I'm noticing and starting to having this conversation is

that we really don't share our stories.

We really don't share our struggles.

And you said that you were functioning at work, and I'm wondering how many

people are functioning well or are successful that are dealing with.

Some type of personal challenges that we cannot see and it's easy to

not see because it's more easy to to the notice, these kind of things.

I'm wondering I was for you, your healing process, especially related to work.

Yeah, it was really, you know, as I said, it, it, it, it

felt like it took me three years.

To not be depressed, which as a time, you know, when I saw a doctor and they

said, do you know, this could take awhile?

I just thought I can't live like this for three years.

You know, I can't stand waking up every day and being afraid or feeling like

I'm not wanting to interact with people.

You know, I think as far as work, what, what it did for me is it, I turned into

a rather under a more understanding and compassionate person to the people

that I worked with to the teammates.

And I, I wanted to create a new environment for people when they weren't

feeling great and it made me realize that, you know, how we feel is what

life is, how we think is what life is.

And so producing some product for work, whatever that looks

like, it's really not important.

But what was more important is, is that people that I

worked with felt seen in her.

And that they could contribute.

And what I found as a supervisor was that if I could, I think the only way

that I could change things was to be what I wanted someone to be for me.

And so if I could really be there for someone in a way that they saw

that, what feelings and thoughts they're having and emotions.

Quote, unquote are what we are net.

What we phrase as our mental health is just as important to you being a

productive person at work or a purposeful person and having a meaningful experience.

And so I just, I tried to be that to the people that I supervised

or tried to be that when I, you know, to my teammates or coworkers,

do you want to say something to people that are

listening that are experiencing something similar to your story?

Yeah, I think that's a really interesting thing.

I think that all of us are walking around with challenges.

There isn't a single person on this.

That isn't experiencing some thing.

And so when you're depressed, you really turn inward on yourself.

It's like anger turned inward and you have a great ability to beat up yourself.

And I guess I want to say to someone to go gentle on yourself and to know that.

You will come out of it and you can create it's up to, you know, it's kinda

like if you can imagine that you're in a dark forest, but there's a light

at the end and every little step you take moves you closer to that light.

And that to do it your way.

There's no magic out there.

You can try this medicine or try meditation or try something

that everyone suggests.

And I agree.

Try lots of different things, but don't be beat yourself up.

If it's not magic.

It's just every day, a little something and a little something I had created.

Um, I called it the wall of.

And, and what I would do is I would put up on there, something that made me

whole brought me hope, whether it was a beautiful picture that I saw or a word

that I liked or a poem, or even that one day I might experience whatever.

And every day I put something up there.

So that, and that was the only job I had to do that day is that I, I would

have to put something up on my wall.

And um, it didn't matter.

I didn't care what I got to the point where if people didn't understand

me at work, I was just like, they have a lot of learning to do.

Cause they might be where I'm at one.

yes.

And it's so true that sooner or later, sooner or later, everyone

will experience something.

And.

I have the impression that we are not ready as a society.

I mean, or as a work environment, of course we are never ready as a person

. I really want to see this wall of hopes.

It's so powerful for me to hear that I'm going to try to do it to myself.

Thank you so much.

For sharing your story.

Oh, thank you for giving me the opportunity.

You know, it's not something that I talk about much and it's

definitely something that for a long time, I felt shame shamed of.

And I recently went through a divorce and I got, I was so worried that the

same thing was going to happen now.

Oh no, I'm going to get depressed again.

And I think because of that first experience, I knew I didn't get depressed.

I think part of it was as I, I had grown, I had set up different support systems.

I had learned different boundaries.

I had learned a different way of thinking from the first experience.

And so I think it, I think our adverse experiences really can help us grow

and can really help us in the future.

We just see the world differently.

That second time, you know, you just start to see the world differently.

Thank you so much.

Thank you.

Thank you.

thank you so much for listening.

I'm really grateful to Rachel.

If you want to have more information about Rachel, you can go on their

websiteserenheart.com you will find the link in the description.

And you will find also the links , to discover more the work of Rachel.

Please share this conversation with friends that needs to hear

this conversation right now, and please be back for the next time.