Shownotes
"I feel like people pleasing with me is more being taken advantage of because I would give anyone the shirt off my back. I would, not anymore." - Kim
In this episode, Jenny chats with Kim White-Lopez about her people pleaser recovery journey. Kim, an improv comedian, actress, and paranormal investigator, delves into her personal experiences with people pleasing, beginning from a young age while caring for her terminally ill mother. They discuss how family dynamics impact people pleasers and how she navigated setting boundaries and starting to heal despite the demand of being a caregiver for sick family members.
They explore the nuances of setting boundaries, the impact of people pleasing on relationships, and the challenges that come with setting boundaries with loved ones. Alongside, Kim shares intriguing anecdotes from her paranormal investigations and how it intertwines with her journey of overcoming people pleasing.
The episode wraps up with an inspiring note on taking care of oneself through a meaningful song lyric recommendation from 'Garden Party' by Ricky Nelson.
00:00 Introduction and Guest Background
00:24 Paranormal Investigations and Experiences
04:03 People Pleasing and Personal Stories
04:37 Family Dynamics and Caregiving Challenges
06:34 Boundaries and Self-Care
12:31 Friendships and People Pleasing
14:43 Defining People Pleasing
15:38 Being Taken Advantage Of
16:40 The Cost of People Pleasing
17:29 Personal Transformation and Self-Care
18:31 Weight Loss Journey and Self-Discovery
20:32 Bias and Treatment Based on Appearance
22:37 Setting Boundaries in Personal and Professional Life
26:16 The Importance of Authenticity
29:55 Final Thoughts and Advice
Show Mentions:
"Garden Party" by Ricky Nelson (Stone Canyon Band)
Want to be a guest on the show? Email Jenny! info@meditatewithjenny.com
About The Guest:
Kimberly White-Lopez (“Kimber Lee”)
Kim was originally born in Fort Rucker, Alabama on a military base, but she was raised in Buffalo, NY for almost her entire life. She used to joke with her Dad and give him a hard time about her mom giving birth in a “tent,” until he drove her all the way to Alabama in 2008 to show her the small hospital where she was born.
Kim currently holds a Bachelor’s of Science degree in Nursing and a minor in Psychology, and she has worked in the medical field for 18+ years: 14 of those with a focus in mental health providing psychiatric care to children, adolescents, and adults. Kim also has experience working as a Teacher’s Assistant, providing education and care to children with ASD and other developmental disorders requiring specialized needs. She says these individuals really hold a special place in her heart.
When not working, Kim enjoys acting in front of the camera, as well as on the stage. She has been a TV/film actor since 2006 and has rejoined the scene again more recently in 2019. Kim has appeared in over a total of 33 films, television shows (i.e. American Idol, Extreme Makeover: Home Edition, Restaurant Impossible, Nick Groff’s Death Walker series, etc.), and music videos. She can be seen featured on major platforms including but not limited to: AMC, IFC, Amazon Prime Video, Disney+, Netflix, Hulu, etc. Kim is also an improvisational comedian and the Co-Founder, Producer, Operations Manager, Artistic/Creative Director of Cheese & Slackers, her independent long form improv team. Cheese & Slackers performs once a month at Rohall’s Corner in Buffalo, NY, so be sure to catch one of their shows soon!
When not on stage herself, Kim enjoys watching local theatre and musical productions and has had season tickets to Shea’s Performing Arts Center in Buffalo, NY with her wife for 15 years now. She is also a movie nerd and is obsessed with anything related to the Wizard of Oz. On a scarier note, Kim is an avid paranormal investigator (alongside her wife), and has been since 2018. She has visited 17 different haunted locations (multiple times) in Western New York and the surrounding areas, even some as far as West Virginia. She also owns enough paranormal equipment to open a small storefront.
Kim enjoys traveling, cruising, horseback riding, meditation, swimming, roller coasters, music, and spending quality time with her friends, wife, and dog. Kim is a spiritual individual and considers herself a psychic, as she has had multiple experiences connecting with spirit. If ever possible, Kim says she would be a mermaid if she could because of the peace she feels when surrounded by water. Maybe that’s also because she’s a Pisces, through and through.
About The Host:
- Work with Jenny - Book 1:1 Reiki or psychic channeled reading sessions. Offered virtually or in person in Buffalo, NY. Jenny also offers Reiki certification classes!
Copyright 2024 Jenny Leckey LLC
Transcripts
I'm grateful for you being here
today, talking all things people
2
:pleasing, and who knows what'll
come up in our conversation.
3
:I know we've been
planning this for a while.
4
:Thanks for having me.
5
:Yeah, of course.
6
:You want to start off by telling
us a little bit about yourself?
7
:my name is Kim I'm 37.
8
:I've been doing improv comedy for
a little over two and a half years.
9
:I've been acting since 2006.
10
:I also am a paranormal investigator.
11
:Which is so cool.
12
:I might be going to Rolling
Hills on Friday What is that?
13
:It's called Rolling Hills asylum.
14
:Oh gosh.
15
:It's apparently very haunted.
16
:It's like the number one
spot that everybody goes to.
17
:And I've been everywhere, but this place.
18
:Oh, wow.
19
:Are you going with the crew
usually went with in the past?
20
:No, I had a brief team for the
paranormal investigating and
21
:two of them live in Canada.
22
:But the team disbanded because
two of our members moved down to
23
:Georgia and opened a tattoo studio.
24
:One of them's like a he was
on, what's that show called?
25
:The one with Dave Navarro.
26
:He's like a number one tattoo
artist and he was on that show.
27
:He tattooed Dave Navarro.
28
:He won a couple seasons.
29
:He's on my Paranormal team.
30
:Oh, cool.
31
:But he moved to Georgia
to open a tattoo studio.
32
:He's originally from Lockport.
33
:Cool.
34
:So I'm like, should I go?
35
:Shouldn't I go?
36
:I should do it before it gets cold.
37
:Oh yeah.
38
:Good point.
39
:Cause I don't like to
freeze when I investigate.
40
:Yeah.
41
:I don't blame you.
42
:Ghosts will already make
you feel cold enough.
43
:Right.
44
:And it's public hunt too.
45
:Oh, so like I'm used to private hunts
and I haven't done a public in a while.
46
:There could be a hundred people there.
47
:I don't know.
48
:Oh wow.
49
:Yeah.
50
:That'll either be distracting
or it'll drum up a bunch of,
51
:yeah, spiritual activity.
52
:You'll have to keep me posted.
53
:Yeah, for sure.
54
:We have our own paranormal
activity here in my office.
55
:That sounds like it's
beyond the next level.
56
:Here it's just a friendly ghost.
57
:Yeah, we have paranormal activity where
I live and I try not to investigate
58
:where I live because I did that before
and it was bad news, yeah, sometimes
59
:it's good to just be like, please
just go and not ask any questions.
60
:Not when you live there.
61
:Yeah, I don't hear you.
62
:I don't see you.
63
:I don't feel you.
64
:Yeah, out of sight, out of mind.
65
:This one here likes to follow me down the
stairs though at night, especially when
66
:I'm here by myself and I'm like, stop it.
67
:Please don't, you're scaring me.
68
:I don't appreciate this.
69
:I can feel it staring at me.
70
:It'll stop halfway down the stairs.
71
:That overlooks the walkway.
72
:It's an old house like this is like
over a hundred years old here And
73
:yeah, I can feel it staring at me.
74
:The one time it's followed
me into the kitchen.
75
:I didn't appreciate it, but it's okay
Yeah, I don't know if i'm that into it.
76
:I, just feel things I can't see things
So I don't know when Something's
77
:following me unless it touches me.
78
:Ooh.
79
:Yeah.
80
:This is more of a feeling it from,
you can tell someone's looking at you.
81
:I can just feel the energy.
82
:You know that gets me thinking, since
we're on People Pleaser podcast, are there
83
:ghosts that are People Pleasers still?
84
:Probably.
85
:Just because you died.
86
:Are you still a People Pleaser?
87
:If you haven't passed over?
88
:I would think so because
there's What do they call it?
89
:Residual energies?
90
:They do the same things.
91
:They're like stuck in
the same loop activities.
92
:Yeah, I would think so.
93
:Oh, that's interesting.
94
:Yeah.
95
:I feel my improv brain wants to
make a whole skit out of this now.
96
:That might be one of my questions
when I investigate on Friday.
97
:Are you a people pleaser?
98
:Oh my gosh, I love it.
99
:Yes.
100
:Because it's usually Oh,
how many ghosts are there?
101
:How did you die?
102
:I don't ask questions like that.
103
:Oh, okay, yeah.
104
:Because I don't want to know.
105
:Yeah, what were your what do
you feel like your biggest
106
:failures in life were, Goosebee?
107
:What are some things that you wish
you had worked on before you'd pass?
108
:For sure.
109
:You could have a therapy session.
110
:I believe it.
111
:If ghosts are real, then
that's gotta be real.
112
:Yeah, I agree.
113
:That's funny.
114
:Oh my gosh.
115
:Speaking of people pleasing, obviously
resonate as one or a recovered,
116
:recovering one as the fact that
you're right here on the show.
117
:I always like to ask people, was there
a specific moment when you realized,
118
:Oh shit, I'm a people pleaser.
119
:Or was it just a gradual thing?
120
:And like what age and
all that kind of stuff?
121
:I knew it was a thing, but I
didn't know it was a thing.
122
:And I've always been a
people pleaser, I feel like.
123
:But I would say it comes in waves.
124
:I was a people pleaser since age
12, as young as I can remember.
125
:Because like my mom was terminally ill.
126
:She had symptoms when I was 12,
got diagnosed when I was 14,
127
:so I had to take care of her.
128
:And to me, it's not really people
pleasing as far as she's concerned.
129
:It's more so my sister was the older one,
so I was pleasing my sister by helping my
130
:mom because I was the younger one, so I
was automatically pushed into that role.
131
:Yes, I understand what you're saying.
132
:I lost jobs granted I was 16 when I
got my first job, but my mom didn't
133
:have the care that she needed.
134
:Aides would not show up, or aides
would quit because they didn't want
135
:to work, or they didn't know what
they were getting into, so I would
136
:lose jobs to take care of my mom.
137
:Oh, wow.
138
:Yeah, that's a lot to shoulder.
139
:So I guess that's an example of
people pleasing but then in my
140
:adult life because even when like my
mom had passed on Before she passed
141
:I would say a couple years prior.
142
:I was 18 19 I finally had it and I'm
like I do everything, I'm moving out
143
:and it caused this whole explosion
within the family because My sister
144
:thought she was doing a lot, but really
she wasn't there day in and day out.
145
:She would pop in when she could, and
pop out when she wanted to leave.
146
:And she's like, I'm married, I have
a house, and All this stuff and I'm
147
:like, but what about my life, I
didn't sign up for this She's my mom.
148
:I love her.
149
:I want to take care of her, but I
need help, yeah So at that point I
150
:was like, I didn't care what happened.
151
:I'm leaving I'm doing my own thing I
will still show up like you do and we
152
:can share the responsibility that
just caused a whole thing between us.
153
:Then I feel like I stepped back
into that role more full time.
154
:I would spend nights at my mom's house.
155
:I was working three jobs.
156
:So I was again, people pleasing.
157
:I can't, I feel like I fall
back into it sometimes.
158
:It's interesting that you
mentioned how you just had enough.
159
:And you said, your sister enough's enough.
160
:I'm doing this.
161
:I feel like that's so common with us
people pleasers because we don't know
162
:how to set the boundaries and say no.
163
:So then I call it like my give a
damn is busted and I freak out.
164
:Whereas if we, that's the whole point
of recovery is to learn how to set those
165
:little expectations and along the way.
166
:So it doesn't build up that resentment.
167
:So I totally see myself
in what you're saying.
168
:I've done that numerous times,
whether it's with relationships
169
:or at work or whatever it may be.
170
:But I guess part of it is having
grace for yourself and not beating
171
:yourself up for doing that.
172
:Just understanding why it
comes to a head like that.
173
:And you might freak out.
174
:Yeah.
175
:My I didn't really freak out, I would
say, but I was always the quiet one.
176
:I would never speak up.
177
:If I seen something going
wrong, I would just stay quiet.
178
:Cause I'm like, no,
one's going to hear me.
179
:It's not going to make a
difference if I speak up.
180
:And my sister was ready
to physically fight me.
181
:When I was trying to leave the
house at 18, 19, whatever it was.
182
:Wow.
183
:And I had a relationship since age
15, which I'm still in right now.
184
:So to me, yeah, my sister was
married and she had a house.
185
:I was 18.
186
:My sister was 11 years older than me.
187
:So I hadn't had that opportunity
to get a house, to get married,
188
:but I had a relationship.
189
:I just felt what am I?
190
:Chopped liver, yeah.
191
:Placing more value because she was older
that was more meaningful or more valuable.
192
:Yeah.
193
:And it's hard.
194
:Like when my mom couldn't
do anything for herself.
195
:So I'm trying to spread my wings, but
I'm also hurting my mom at the same time.
196
:So it was very hard.
197
:Back then compared to now.
198
:Oh gosh.
199
:I can only imagine that's a lot
to shoulder and then to be giving
200
:of yourself and not having any
space to fill your cup and then
201
:not having anyone else support you.
202
:Yeah.
203
:Understandable.
204
:That was a lot that you went through.
205
:For sure.
206
:It's interesting that you said
your sister freaked out like that.
207
:I think that's a prime example of
why people sometimes have a fear of
208
:speaking up or setting boundaries,
which I feel like that's such a
209
:thrown around phrase right now.
210
:Like speaking up and having these
conversations and expressing your
211
:needs in a relationship, if people
are used to playing a certain role
212
:and you fitting in here and doing this
and serving me in a certain way, and
213
:now you've gone and used your voice
and you're trying to take up space.
214
:Oh no.
215
:So the boundary was
needed a million percent.
216
:I know people might be uncomfortable
with dealing with that conflict that
217
:arises, but that just tells you that.
218
:This hasn't been a true, authentic
exchange in this relationship
219
:if the person freaks out by
you expressing your needs.
220
:Yeah, and I felt like
I handled it maturely.
221
:I'm not saying like I'm so mature,
but my mom had a terminal illness.
222
:So I was already dealing with
that for four to six years.
223
:So I'm like, this is nothing.
224
:This will blow over, but it never did
because then my sister was involved in
225
:drugs and it just got worse and worse.
226
:We never repaired that
relationship before she passed.
227
:I guess I've done a lot of work
internally, but I don't know.
228
:I think I've just grown and I've
realized I'm not taking care of
229
:anyone else anymore, but myself.
230
:That's huge.
231
:Yeah, so even my dad somewhat depended
on me when his wife passed away.
232
:I took care of him in ways that
I shouldn't have but I don't
233
:regret it if that makes sense.
234
:Yeah, and I think that you bring up an
interesting topic because in another
235
:episode my interview with Caitlin, if
you go back and listen to that, she talks
236
:about the fact that you can give a hundred
percent in a relationship, but it's still
237
:only 50 percent of the relationship.
238
:And I think people pleasers
look at it as I'm responsible
239
:for a hundred percent of it.
240
:The reason I'm bringing that up is
because with your dad if he was going
241
:through a hard time, maybe it's going
to look 70, 30 for a little while.
242
:I think the key is to make sure if
you're compensating for someone else
243
:who's going through something hard,
that it doesn't stay that way forever.
244
:That it bounces back to 50 50 or people
will rise up and cover your extra
245
:percentage when you need it Yeah, see
I don't even know if that would have
246
:happened because then he passed like
there was so many deaths that I dealt
247
:with I know you've had so much trauma
in a short time and I don't know and
248
:people say that like you've had so
much loss and i'm like I have it
249
:sucks, but I can't live in that loss.
250
:But now, I'm taking care of me, and
there's literally no one else to take care
251
:of but me, so why not take care of me?
252
:Good point.
253
:Yeah.
254
:And I don't want that to come off
selfish, because I feel like some
255
:people would interpret that as selfish.
256
:And maybe it is a little selfish,
I don't know, but for example, I'm
257
:celebrating a birthday with a friend,
and the friend wants to do something
258
:that I don't typically do, or I've never
done so I'm scared to do, I'll try it.
259
:I'll try anything once.
260
:So me giving in to that, I
don't feel like that's people
261
:pleasing, whereas some might.
262
:If I'm totally against doing something,
I'm gonna say no, not for me, not
263
:doing it because I would want the same.
264
:If I am inviting a friend to a birthday,
whatever, get together, party, dinner.
265
:I would want that in return as well.
266
:Do you know what I'm trying to say?
267
:Yeah, completely get it.
268
:So it's basically, compromise
versus being walked on.
269
:I feel like that's like the thin
line with people pleasing, right?
270
:You're like, Oh, I'm always
saying yes to my friends, but
271
:then they don't say yes back.
272
:You're like it goes back to the,
this relationship's not 50 50.
273
:Yeah.
274
:I definitely get that, but cause then
like certain friends will do things,
275
:but then sometimes oh, I can't, I
have this or I have that, which I get.
276
:But when it's consistently in no,
not for me, maybe another time.
277
:I feel like is that relationship worth it?
278
:Oh, you bring up a really good point.
279
:My younger self, I will admit it, would
go into victim mode a little bit with
280
:that because I struggled with that myself.
281
:I always felt like I gave, and
then I wasn't always reciprocated.
282
:And I think that is a tinge of people
pleasing because I think there's an
283
:underlying feeling of I can't say no
because that makes me a bad friend.
284
:So then if friends do say no, then you're
like, Oh my God, I always say yes to you.
285
:So that is people pleasing.
286
:But then on the flip side, as
an adult, I'm also like, if this
287
:person keeps saying no, I'm like,
do we even have anything in common?
288
:why am I investing any time and
energy into this friendship?
289
:Because if I'm suggesting shit and
you're like no, I don't like that.
290
:Then we're on different wavelengths.
291
:So I don't know which one it would be.
292
:Don't know, and for the longest time
I had friends that we connected on so
293
:many things, and then Invite him to a
comedy show and they're like, oh, I don't
294
:like comedy more than once different
people and I'm like who doesn't like
295
:comedy Yeah, I just I don't get that.
296
:I don't get that either.
297
:Are you like offended?
298
:I don't know I don't like to laugh.
299
:I don't like to have a good time.
300
:Yeah I just still I don't get that
and we're not really friends anymore
301
:and I'm like was it the comedy Cause
we connected on so many other things.
302
:I've noticed that my friendships are
like a mirror of who I am and what
303
:my values are at the time sometimes.
304
:Yeah.
305
:And then when it starts to have
resistance or maybe I have those
306
:situations, like you just said of I
can't believe they didn't show up again.
307
:I've used those times to
reflect how have I changed?
308
:Why are we not meshing anymore?
309
:How is my energy level or my
frequency different than them?
310
:Or maybe you're just seeing them for
who they really are without your people
311
:pleaser blinders on because I feel
like people pleasers sometimes put
312
:their blinders up, and they want to see
everything with rose colored glasses,
313
:because , if you look at how things
really are, that means you're going to
314
:feel pain, and there's going to be a
conflict, and, oh my god, please no.
315
:See, I'm good with conflict, I feel like.
316
:I don't know, I don't see the
world in black and white, and
317
:I know a lot of people do.
318
:Yeah.
319
:And I don't understand that I'm
very gray when I look at things.
320
:So can I ask, then What is your
definition of people pleasing ? Because
321
:a lot of people feel the core premise,
the psychological thing behind people
322
:pleasing is avoiding pain, avoiding
conflict, avoiding difficult feelings.
323
:How do you know you're people pleasing?
324
:Do you feel it in your body?
325
:Like for me, I started
to get stomach cramps.
326
:I get anxious and I
sometimes I get resentful.
327
:I feel a bubble of resentment
coming up in my chest.
328
:I wouldn't say that.
329
:No, but another example, years ago,
probably:
330
:wife, We had an acquaintance from
high school, hadn't talked in years.
331
:She reached out on Facebook Hey,
I'm having this bonfire come over.
332
:And apparently she liked us,
but didn't really associate with
333
:us that much in high school.
334
:I've heard that a lot from people that
we've reconnected with in high school.
335
:Oh yeah.
336
:We thought you were great, but
I'm like, you never talked to me.
337
:So I feel like people pleasing with me is
more being taken advantage of Because I
338
:would give anyone the shirt off my back.
339
:I would, not anymore I'm very selective
with who I do that with but like she
340
:got us there and you know All these
things and she has four kids and
341
:three of them were brittle diabetics.
342
:She was posting on Facebook about all
this, like I had to take so and so
343
:to the ER because his sugar was at
a level where he was about to die.
344
:She reached out to us after this
little get together and was like,
345
:listen, I'm going to lose my house.
346
:I need money for rent, for gas, for food.
347
:Oh, yeah.
348
:And I'm Like I never gave her money.
349
:this is the first time we've reconnected
Yeah, Cryss is like I feel bad because
350
:her kids have diabetes and i'm like,
yeah, I feel bad too and I feel like
351
:kids change The dynamic sometimes.
352
:True.
353
:But now, thinking about it
she was gonna pay us back.
354
:I'm like, we really can't
afford it, but we did it.
355
:Ah.
356
:And, I'll pay you back, I'll pay you back.
357
:Never saw this money.
358
:And get deleted off Facebook after
we had asked after a year Hey, are
359
:you planning on paying us back?
360
:Like little by little
anything get deleted.
361
:So from what you're saying,
that is such a unique, different
362
:angle of people pleasing.
363
:I don't think I've had anyone bring
this up yet, but it's a Obviously,
364
:really real world viable example
of people pleasing in that you feel
365
:like everyone deserves your kindness.
366
:Everyone deserves your
gratuitous behavior.
367
:That everyone deserves to be on the
receiving end of you giving it all.
368
:That could lead to a whole philosophical
conversation about the difference
369
:between being nice and kind and when
you can actually say no, like you
370
:don't have to help every single person.
371
:Yeah.
372
:And I feel like that came
from me helping my mom.
373
:Oh, of course.
374
:Empath, caregiver.
375
:I've always worked in
medical, mental health.
376
:And I'm like, this is
the right thing to do.
377
:I'll figure it out.
378
:If I don't have any
money, I'll figure it out.
379
:But they need this money more
than I do, yeah, self sacrificing.
380
:Now I'm just like, no.
381
:Good for you.
382
:Seeing that is huge because some
people, it takes a long time.
383
:It takes decades to wake up from that.
384
:Yeah.
385
:And it comes in waves too.
386
:When I'm in a situation, it's
okay, who is this person?
387
:Have we had a relationship?
388
:Have they gone out of their way for me?
389
:So I guess it's situational
when it comes up.
390
:Do you still have that feeling pop up
though, when someone asks for help, that
391
:initial, I should, case of the shoulds?
392
:No, I would say no.
393
:You've worked through that.
394
:That's huge.
395
:Yeah.
396
:Do you have any techniques or any certain
ways that you worked through that?
397
:How did you start to heal?
398
:Any suggestions you have for people?
399
:No, I mean, again, like another situation.
400
:Everyone in my family literally died 2018.
401
:There was just some light bulb that
went off because I was very heavy.
402
:I had to lose weight.
403
:I tried everything under the sun.
404
:My mom had me on diets when I was younger.
405
:And I was like, okay, this is my time
to focus on me, because I couldn't,
406
:I was focusing on everyone else.
407
:I lost 160 pounds.
408
:Wow.
409
:Amazing.
410
:And I was always the type that would
watch those shows like they lost
411
:200 pounds, I can never do that.
412
:I did it.
413
:And I wasn't trying to
do that, but it happened.
414
:I feel like that was a reset for
me, and not to say that it gave me
415
:tools to tell people no and stuff.
416
:I feel like it's still a thing, but like
I said, I used to be shy and reserved
417
:and quiet, and now if I feel like a
certain way, I'll just say how I feel.
418
:Might not always be the right time
to, but I feel like being direct
419
:in how I express myself has helped.
420
:I don't know, people always thought
I was a bitch in high school
421
:because I have resting bitch face.
422
:People were scared of me in high
school and I didn't know that.
423
:I'm like, nobody likes me,
I'm just gonna keep to myself.
424
:Yeah.
425
:And then I'm like, why were
they so intimidated by me?
426
:Because I would not speak up.
427
:I would be the quiet one.
428
:I wouldn't trust people.
429
:I wouldn't let people in.
430
:And now I'm totally different.
431
:It's just developed over the years.
432
:It makes sense.
433
:You started to allow yourself to
take up space and the weight came off
434
:because to me, weight is protection.
435
:I know I'm going to gain weight
when I'm going through a certain X,
436
:Y, Z, because I feel unsafe and my
body is creating a natural barrier.
437
:So somewhere in there I'm taking an
educated guess that you finally felt
438
:free to take up space and be a part
of the equation and count and focus on
439
:what you needed and allow yourself to
play an important part in your life.
440
:You're number one person
that you took care of.
441
:And then the weight fell off.
442
:That makes sense.
443
:Yeah.
444
:Yeah.
445
:I finally had a chance to take
care of me like physically.
446
:Yeah.
447
:I've also noticed I got treated
differently when I was smaller
448
:than I do when I'm bigger.
449
:Oh my gosh.
450
:That's a whole other topic.
451
:Yes.
452
:Let's dive into that.
453
:I've been treated just like in
the community recently, people
454
:that I've known that were heavier,
that lost weight, they treated me
455
:differently when they were heavier.
456
:And now that they're smaller,
they just have this ego and
457
:this cockiness about them.
458
:The old me wouldn't say anything,
but the new me is that's not okay.
459
:You're not going to treat me like that.
460
:Good for you.
461
:Yeah.
462
:Yeah.
463
:Whether it does anything, I
don't know, that's a whole
464
:bias towards bigger bodies.
465
:I'm still the same person.
466
:Like I don't get it.
467
:Yeah.
468
:. Ironically, I'm technically
taking up more space because there
469
:are more fat cells in my body.
470
:I refuse to say I am fat.
471
:I don't put that after I am, but
my body has retained more fat
472
:cells than it had in the past.
473
:So I'm literally taking up more space.
474
:But, a lot of times when
this has happened in my life.
475
:Emotionally, I feel like I'm
not allowed to take up space.
476
:I'm not worthy of taking up space.
477
:So physically I have this bubble
of protection around me, but
478
:internally it's silencing.
479
:I feel like whenever that's happened, in
the past, especially when I was younger,
480
:it was because like, I was in an abusive
relationship and when I was dating him.
481
:I gained a ton of weight and I
understand now it literally was
482
:protection and I made myself smaller.
483
:So maybe it's the people you're coming
across, then they haven't experienced that
484
:physical smallness because they haven't
experienced the emotional bigness, right?
485
:So in a way it's like people
pleasing when you swing the other
486
:way, you're like, I don't know how
to use my voice, so I'm just gonna
487
:be super direct and maybe aggressive and
said he's saying what I think maybe that's
488
:what happens with people I don't know.
489
:Yeah, I don't know.
490
:Do you make sense?
491
:Yeah, cuz like I could see by losing
the weight I guess you're losing the
492
:mass, But you're getting the voice
and then when you gain the mass you
493
:lose the voice that whole balance.
494
:I've worked in mental health.
495
:I have about 18 year
experience in mental health.
496
:Emergency mental health, outpatient
mental health, long term care
497
:mental health, everything.
498
:Child, adolescent, adult, older adult.
499
:Oh, because I don't think you
mentioned before that you're a nurse.
500
:I'm supposed to be a nurse.
501
:I have the degree.
502
:I Nonetheless, I've had jobs in the
field, and I feel like, I don't want
503
:this to come off the wrong way, but
there are a typical behavior that a
504
:lot of patients exhibit for attention.
505
:Some of them are attention seeking.
506
:You don't want to not Acknowledge them
and acknowledge how they feel, but back
507
:to the boundary thing, sometimes you
shouldn't make eye contact because
508
:they're seeking attention and you don't
want to give them that attention because
509
:you're giving them negative attention.
510
:Oh yeah.
511
:That's a good point.
512
:So then later on, when they've calmed
down or self soothed or whatnot.
513
:You'll go back and you'll give them that
attention, but it's positive attention.
514
:It's not negative attention.
515
:That makes sense So I feel like
that's helped me Establish boundaries
516
:in a way in my own life Yeah, I think
that premise of that definitely could
517
:translate to just day to day life.
518
:That makes sense especially that makes
me think of that's like a pattern
519
:in a lot of romantic relationships,
especially codependent ones where
520
:The attention, even if you're
fighting, it's still attention.
521
:He or she is still in the room with me.
522
:We're engaged in this energy.
523
:They're showing
524
:they care because they're
pissed off, you know?
525
:so like setting that boundary
of I'm not going to interact.
526
:I'm not going to engage in this
conversation or this kind of energy.
527
:Yeah, that makes a lot of sense.
528
:You care about the person, even in work.
529
:I cared about all my patients, but,
I'm not trying to cure them, I'm
530
:trying to get them to develop coping
mechanisms that they're not used
531
:to using they've harnessed this.
532
:They've been traumatized, so this
is why they act the way they do.
533
:I'm trying to heal that trauma
or help them heal that trauma.
534
:Exactly.
535
:Yeah.
536
:But then on the other side, I would
say people pleasers feel like they're
537
:supposed to help teach and heal and stuff.
538
:And yeah, you don't have to, that's
one of my big lessons I've had to learn
539
:is I am not so and so's therapist.
540
:I am not so and so's counselor.
541
:I'm not so and so's mom.
542
:Even though it's my natural
instinct is like the healer, I am a
543
:recovering rescuer, which I feel is
a subcategory of people pleasing.
544
:So it's finding that balance of when
do I offer advice and help versus?
545
:It's hard.
546
:When do I protect my own well being
and not engage in this problem?
547
:Yeah, and it's hard like I can dive deep
with someone and still protect myself.
548
:I can have a conversation that's very
deep and draining one would say, but
549
:I have this wall up where and I want to
say that this goes back to ghost hunting.
550
:My work and my experience in comedy
and paranormal, I feel like it all
551
:affects everything because I used
to go into a haunted place and just
552
:yeah, you can, I never said you
could touch me or take my energy,
553
:but I didn't protect myself going in.
554
:I was just like I'm going to have
fun and I'm going to talk to ghosts.
555
:And now when I go in, I protect myself.
556
:I don't give permission to
touch me or use my energy.
557
:That's huge.
558
:For a while, I'm like, what is this?
559
:This is stupid.
560
:I'm saying this, but nothing's changing.
561
:But I guess as long as
the intent is there.
562
:So I do establish a very strong
boundary, I guess you would say, with
563
:the paranormal, but then I feel like
I don't get as much evidence as I
564
:used to because I have that boundary.
565
:That makes sense.
566
:Oh, that is such a, I feel like
that's a metaphor for life too.
567
:Yeah.
568
:Because then, this just popped in my head
as you were saying that, when I'm working
569
:with the living people and I have these
boundaries up, I don't get as much either.
570
:But my mind came to, I
don't get as much drama.
571
:Yeah, yeah, so get used to the drama
and the chaos and then when you start
572
:to say no or you start to Set those
boundaries then it feels weird and boring
573
:because you're like wait What happened?
574
:What are we supposed to
be talking about now?
575
:I don't understand.
576
:It's the same with the ghost.
577
:Shouldn't you be scaring
the shit out of me right now?
578
:I feel like they don't want to
talk to me because they're like
579
:intimidated by me And that's how I
feel in real life a lot of the time.
580
:Oh interesting.
581
:Even just around people that I see
every day or weekly or whatnot.
582
:Do I change that about me to
make people want to be around me?
583
:I don't know.
584
:It's weird.
585
:Oh man.
586
:That's a deep question.
587
:I don't want to be fake either.
588
:I was just going to say ask yourself,
who am I surrounding myself with?
589
:Yeah.
590
:And asking yourself who you really are.
591
:Who you are in this moment
is that your true self?
592
:That's a journey I've been on personally.
593
:Yeah.
594
:Because I feel having people pleased,
I always called myself a chameleon.
595
:I could fit in with any group.
596
:Yeah.
597
:That's a great skill.
598
:I get it.
599
:Especially as a business
owner and blah, blah, blah.
600
:But I also know that was
covert people pleasing.
601
:I call it covert secret.
602
:So for instance, say I was with
more studious higher brow claround
603
:like that, I would probably tame
down the goofy cheesy bubbly side of
604
:myself . It was like playing dress up.
605
:I feel like you're doing
yourself a disservice though.
606
:At least yeah.
607
:Yeah, I don't want to do that.
608
:It was a coping mechanism because if
my personality were going to butt up
609
:against their personality and they're
so different that it would be so stark.
610
:And I think that's essentially
what you're saying.
611
:Like sometimes the way you approach
life and your energy and demeanor might
612
:butt up against other personalities and
it's, Just because they're different.
613
:So it like stands out more, but who's
to say one's better than the other?
614
:Do you think who you are, your
personality, is your true full self?
615
:Do you feel that you've undone all the
layers of the onion, as Shrek would
616
:say, and this is your true expression
617
:?
This is me.
618
:This is my true self.
619
:I would say yes, but I also don't want
to sound like, I have nothing to work on.
620
:I would say so.
621
:I'm very different than I used to be.
622
:I'm very outspoken on a lot of things
and it rubs people the wrong way.
623
:Do you think you're outspoken because
you, the reason I'm asking this question
624
:is because I've been there, done that.
625
:When you haven't used your voice for
so long and it was rusty and, or didn't
626
:even know how to speak up for yourself.
627
:Like the pendulum swings so far the
other way for a lot of people pleasers.
628
:And then you just want
to get it out there.
629
:I feel like certain things that I've
spoken about or have had thoughts
630
:about for a while, I'm like, does
no one else see why I'm frustrated?
631
:I don't feel like I'm rude
about things, but maybe I am.
632
:But then again, if I feel a type of
way and I'm going to say it, if I
633
:censor that Oh, maybe I shouldn't
be so direct because they might be
634
:offended and then I might be ostracized.
635
:Isn't that people pleasing?
636
:Yeah.
637
:So I guess, this is so nuanced, right?
638
:Because then it doesn't
mean go be an asshole.
639
:Cause that's not the opposite
of people pleasing either.
640
:Having some sense of decorum
and compassion for people too.
641
:But I get what you're saying.
642
:That's why I was asking.
643
:Cause if that's authentically you
and it's not the pendulum swinging,
644
:then I say, fuck it, be yourselves,
use your voice, take up space.
645
:And if it rubs people
the wrong way, so be it.
646
:So I wrap up every episode asking
my guest, if you could put a piece
647
:of advice on a bumper sticker, what
would you put on there and why?
648
:It's a song lyric by the famous Rick
Nelson and the Stone Canyon Band.
649
:From 1972, no idea who they are.
650
:Ricky Nelson, if oldies,
look up Ricky Nelson.
651
:But it's a song called Garden Party.
652
:The lyric is, you can't please
everyone, so you gotta please yourself.
653
:Ooh.
654
:And that wasn't intentional, with
people pleasing because the word please
655
:is in it, it's just a song I really.
656
:Resonate with.
657
:Wow.
658
:Can you say the, again, it's from
Garden Party you can't please everyone,
659
:so you have to please yourself.
660
:Oh my gosh, yes.
661
:Basically he was a songwriter performer.
662
:He was booed at Madison Square Garden.
663
:What?
664
:Yeah.
665
:When he came on stage, because people
expected him to sing certain songs and
666
:he didn't, he had a whole different
idea of what he wanted to perform.
667
:So after a lifetime of pretending
to be a character, he wasn't, he
668
:was on the set of Ozzie and Harriet.
669
:After being a real rock star on
the weekends on the show, and in
670
:the limelight, this performance,
he was writing and performing for
671
:his own pleasure and satisfaction.
672
:Not what everyone else wanted
he did what he wanted to do.
673
:So he literally embodied the lyrics
of his song Yeah, wow, if you
674
:listen to the lyrics, it's about
the show at madison square garden.
675
:That's why it's called garden party.
676
:Amazing.
677
:I will link this in the show notes
678
:.
Not only did you get amazing a song lyric, but you also got
679
:an awesome song recommendation
and a new band to listen to.
680
:I knew old band listened to.
681
:Yeah.
682
:He was like the Elvis before Elvis.
683
:That's what I thought.
684
:Okay.
685
:Ricky Nelson, he was a heartthrob, right?
686
:Yeah.
687
:Yeah.
688
:But then he like shed the persona
and wanted to be his true self.
689
:That's frigging awesome.
690
:He got booed at Madison square garden.
691
:Talk about the ultimate recovered
people pleaser flex, getting
692
:booed at Madison Square Garden.
693
:I'm doing me, bitches.
694
:I love it.
695
:Everyone out there, channel
your inner Ricky Nelson.
696
:Thank you so much for taking
time to be here today.
697
:You're welcome.
698
:Everyone take a look at the show notes
and check out the song garden Party.
699
:Happy People Pleaser Recovering.
700
:Thank you.
