Ep. 196 FINAL

Look, when we were talking all about self-sabotaging success, self-sabotaging abundance, so I think these two were will pair really well together. But before we get into that conversation, I wanted to quickly remind everyone that we are doing a group ProLon Fast, starting July 6th. And if anyone missed the Father's Day sale that I talked about in the last podcast episode, I wanted to let everyone know that there is a new summer sale going on.

This is a great opportunity to do this where you can buy a couple of kits, everyone's getting a deep discount, and then you can all join in this fast with us together. With that said, I also wanted to remind you guys, and I'll make sure it's in the show notes below again. The link to join the Instagram channel where we can all be chatting and communing as we go through this fast.

Okay, well here we are again. Hello. Another little internal episode from The Accrescent. We need to know the inner workings. Leigh Ann, tell us. Yeah, I always send Kelly before we jump on, like the roughest of rough bullet points of what we might cover today, and I, I have a feeling you're still like, I still have no idea what we're talking about.

It's more that, I don't know where that will take us. Uhhuh, who knows where we'll end up. That's fair. That's fair. I never do either, which is I think the fun of it. But I think it's, it's special. We're coming, you know, a week as we're recording this. We're a week out of my 30th birthday, and that was super special for any number of different reasons.

A huge shift around abundance and being able to receive. And so that's some of what we're gonna get into a little bit more and how it looked for me in the past and how it's starting to shift already. Yeah, I feel like set the scene, you know? Where did things start? Tell us about that. The weekend before your birthday, you had a party.

And so the number doesn't really mean anything to me. My 21st birthday, my 18th birthday, my 20, like, none of those were really big things for me at all. Um, I don't think I've had a birthday party in my adult life. Hmm. Interesting. Tons of birthday parties as a kid. Really, really fun. But other than like, Hey, let's go to the beach with some friends, you know, let's have dinner with a family.

I haven't had a big. Big shit dig like we did. So Saturday was really, really special. I, there was like people from every facet of my life, my friends from work, work colleagues, you know, some of my friends outside of that, family, friends from college. Friends from my cohort in my PhD. And so it was this really fun, beautiful blending of everyone and we went all out.

First of all, me even planning that shows how, how much more I have been able to receive than in the past. Because in the past I wouldn't have even been able to plan that out of fear of no one coming, no one wanting to be there, everyone canceling last minute, whatever it was. Yeah, and that that's a part of it, a fear, but then also like being really uncomfortable.

I think so, yes. And just like, how's everyone gonna mesh? And it's a different type of integrating and inviting someone into your world when they meet someone in a different circle. Yes, it totally is. Yeah, I think so for sure. And it's so funny because my, my number one love language is quality time. And so truly, truly, truly, people being there and basically saying like, I will give up free hours.

Yeah. Yeah. To that end, I was super proud of myself of being able to be, I think really, really present the day of and just receiving all that love. There was also probably 10 of us who stayed the whole weekend at my parents' house, so, which is super fun. That is like my absolute favorite, like the sleepover party, oh my god.

The sleepover and you're like up late chit chatting on the couch and then you wake up and your PJ's and you're having coffee together. That is. My jam. So it just was like full of love and connection and I feel like I was able to be really present. And then Monday I had also taken Monday off as just like a, okay, the introvert in me now needs some deep alone time to just sort of settle, recharge, reset.

They sacrificed to be there for me. And now that I've let them in so deeply, they're gonna see that I'm not who they thought I was and it's all gonna be over. Whoa, that escalated quickly. Yeah. Yes, it escalated very quickly and, and it really, at the core of what it was, is just like that there was so much love showered on me and I am not good enough for that.

Yeah. I'm just, I'm expanding that capacity. Yeah. So let me sit with this. This is safe to receive. It's okay to hold this. And, and then it dissipated really, really quickly and I was able to kind of settle and allow that to move through. But I think it's. It's gonna lead us more into this conversation of receiving.

Oh, so many and I'm sure you know, you probably see it in your practice every day. Okay. So before we go too far down that road, I had a question because I feel like something you said at the very beginning kind of ties all of this together. You said I haven't had parties in the past. Um, I've always felt kind of afraid that no one would come or wouldn't want to be there.

Where did that come from for you? Where did that initial thought process kind of root itself? I think, you know, I am remembering one, maybe it was even my 18th, I can't remember in college planning. Planning a little, I mean just like the vaguest of the vague little gatherings at my parents' house and no one really came.

So no one thinks it's a big deal, so no one comes. And so taking ownership of the role I've played in that. But I think that, you know, speaking to the pattern of most of my life, when I have done deeper reflecting on it, what I've seen is most of my life has been. And deep, deep yearning for connection and safety and being seen.

[00:12:00] Because in a lot of ways I've always been known as being a really vulnerable person. Yeah. That shares a lot. But I also think a lot of the things I share that others would consider vulnerable don't feel exposing or vulnerable to me. Right. But also, it's not even like I feel I can, I can be in, in the past, vulnerable and let people see that side of me.

Yeah. Still not like allow that deep connection to happen. Yes. Allow that life in, in that deeper way. Yeah. I definitely, so that's what that looked like. It's just most of my life was this like push, pull this push, pull this deep, deep hurt. And yet feeling like that connection I was looking for was. Yeah, always leading me and not, you know, for most of my life I was convinced like, I just can't find the right people.

It may not be safe for me to plan something. You kind of step into this. No, I will. I will bravely let people into something that's really vulnerable for me, which may be like allowing people to watch me have joy and fun and excitement and giggles and connection with other people. And those things may feel like whatever to everyone else, but maybe for you.

Some of these things feel like they are more vulnerable. They are more of a. Like, this is the real me, not just me, deeply. Ann, who like knows how to go there and you can always tell her something and she'll have a story for you back, you know? But like you, in your most even lighthearted sometimes, I know that, like, sometimes that can feel like really scary to a lot people in and see.

That seems like a real magic, like a real, a real alchemy that happened for you to be able to have that Monday experience and kind of see it through it, it's like the cycle, like completed almost in a way. Yeah. Yeah. I think so. And I think that speaks to the continual work and that the lifestyle of.

But I will also say. Probably the last month has been a deeper, uh, you know, even my evox clients know I like to work in series and like a very specific thing, like, okay, the next two months I'm looking at blank. And so this last month has been very intentionally around receiving an abundance and so I kind of am looking at life with that eye.

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Yeah, I think so. And I think on some level, the fear that was beneath it is a mistrust of them that you can let in and remind yourself of. Because yeah, I think in some of those tiny moments, what comes up in. Rooted in the childhood stuff is like, oh my gosh, if I do one wrong thing, if I make like I'm a little tipsy 'cause we're having fun and I make a joke that yes doesn't come off well.

Like, are they all gonna then look at me and be like, oh my God. Wow. She's not who she thought she, we, you know, she's not who we thought she was. Yeah, it's over. Yeah. No. Nope. That's not gonna happen. No, there's so much grace and empathy, although that didn't, you know, that that experience didn't happen. But I think that's what the fear is, is if I really let my guard down, um, I, I know that if I let my guard down, I am going to make mistakes.

Is there at all a belief under there that you have to be infallible then, like that there's some part of you that believes that if you are not operating at perfection, then people are gonna just see it later. Yeah, I mean, I think that's what that reflects really to some extent is like, I can't, I can't make mistakes.

Um, and I think that what I lose track of is like when I make mistakes, other people feel more at ease. Like, they're like, oh God, thank goodness she is just as real and, you know, flawed as the rest of us. And she's not trying so hard all the time. She's like being herself and that self is just like a person with their, you know, pros and cons and.

I think that's really a fascinating belief that kind of seeps into, I think, oftentimes really high achievers, people who really care a lot about doing a good job, who have lofty goals, who want to make something of their time and of their life on earth, which I think describes you to a T. Mm-hmm. So of course there is gonna be this sense of, mm-hmm.

Because that is genuinely true about you. Like you hit the highest of high marks. But you are a person and how do we allow ourselves to like have those tipsy moments where some joke comes out and you're like, oh my gosh, I'm embarrassed. I look like an idiot. Without letting that like detract from still being.

Like at the top of where you wanna be as a person, you know? Yeah. It's, it's kind of a funny paradox though, 'cause I think, um, and maybe you can attest to this, I, I don't feel like I project perfection. No, you don't. I feel like don't, I'm pretty regularly in conversation, be like, gosh, I did this. Here's what I'm struggling with.

Yeah, and I think that's a little bit of a shift to that. I have to be perfect to have love. It's if I have a bad day, no one else has space for that. Yeah, no one else has room for that. Um. I think that does go straight back to childhood of just feeling like I was the one carrying everyone's emotional burdens and they didn't have space really for me to have a hard day or like that emotional capacity.

Ooh, that, that, um, maybe perception that I hope people have of me, that's where it really slips. Maybe not perfection to a certain degree, but like the desire for people to see you in a certain way that's like good, it's a healthy desire. Mm-hmm. But to your point, that's so true. If they catch you. In the act of making a mistake or messing up all of a sudden that feels like that is unbearable and I am no longer worthy.

Yeah. And they won't have space and tolerance and capacity to be able to support me. Look at that with an open eye, like I'm thinking. I rarely, rarely, I'm getting a little better at it. And I also think this is part of my personality, but I will rarely call or reach out to anyone in an acute moment of turbulence.

In those moments. Yeah. Yeah. I also do think to, to validate, like I do think it's a part of my personality that I tend to want to suss things out on my own first before I go ask for external input and feedback. Um, but that is a part of what's at the core of that is. To seek comfort in this moment when I am raw and in shambles and so vulnerable.

But in the moment, you might say like, Ooh, but what if this person just doesn't get me? Well, there's no need attached to it. Yes, no need. When I'm in the midst of it, there, there feels like there's a very real need. I need safety. I need affirmation. I need soothing. Um. I just feel like that need that when other people feel that need so deeply, I think the subconscious belief is they're gonna run away.

That's too much. Versus when I've processed it and I'm sharing it like with you how I am now. Yeah. There's no need in my voice. There's no like, and I'm still in the thick of it. Kelly, please, please help me through it. Yeah. Um, so that's interesting. I think there, there's some more tending to do with that topic mm-hmm.

But you know, you were kind of saying, I am still in the midst of this, and it is still very raw and I think that. Probably was a big moment to just say, I'm not truly sure how I'm gonna end up feeling on this. And I am in the middle of a really big turbulence. Um, and you got in a podcast and talked about it.

So that was pretty brave. Yeah. Thank you. Thank you. So, uh, where, where does that take me to? I just feel like I, I feel like I've had a really big, deep shift as it pertains to. Being able to receive and receive abundance. We, we were talking about today, my podcast interview with Carol Look, went live and we're talking about self-sabotage, self-sabotaging from success, from abundance.

I wanna be, I wanna be the next best version of myself. Professionally, personally, financially, educationally, all the ways. Yeah. And I know when we talk about abundance, it often we think just financial abundance. Um. And that's certainly a part of it and I absolutely am kind of trying to attract and manifest more financial abundance.

And that was just very striking to me. Yeah, yeah. Of like, oh, there is so many little versions of abundance that are coming through that I am totally taking for granted. And how can I rep, how can I practice receiving? Every single little thing that comes my way. Yeah. Oh, go ahead. Well, I have a question. Is it that you're taking them for granted and maybe, or do you feel like you earned certain things?

Like do you have a sense of, of a differentiation there? And maybe it is just that you're like, I'm taking them for granted. I'm just not paying attention. But you work really hard for the good things that come your way. So maybe those things feel like fair. Yeah. Whereas like people's love and at attunement to you feels like, oh my gosh, am I deserving?

Yeah. I think it's a little bit of both. I think in some ways there's maybe a, Ooh, I I'm not immediately doing something for you in this moment. Yeah. So it's hard to receive this gifted dinner, but that is also speaking to receiving connection. I think that's a part of letting people in is. I trust that this is an unconditional gift you're giving me and that I don't, that you want to give it.

Gifts and abundance that come through for the universe that I totally take for granted. You know, it's so funny 'cause I, I dunno, I, I do this all the time where I'm like, ah, if I could just blank. If I could just have this, if I could just have more of that and, and the universe is like, girl, I'm sending so many things your way.

Maybe it doesn't look like exactly what you're asking for, but you're not even receiving it. I'll give you like the easiest example I've had. I have guests on the podcast every now and then. Not all the time, but every now and then they will offer free services, a free consultation for me and I might just go, oh my God, thank you so much, and then never circle back on that.

I'm a part of this. Manifestation community called to be magnetic, which I love. I really like their unconscious approach to manifestation. But there was, they had a podcast on money, and this woman was basically saying that she was like, you have to have the gratitude for the way that abundance is coming through, even if it's not exactly what you needed it to be.

It's not quite what I was looking for, but thank you so much for this bit that you've sent through, and I just feel like that is a total mindset shift rather than unconsciously sending this narrative out into the world of like, it's still not enough. No, it's still not enough. Yeah. Rather than being like, oh, thank you so much.

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Um. So I, I think probably everyone listening can really resonate with that and is probably thinking of like a few things in their own life where they maybe haven't, um, noticed like the good that came their way. Do you find that there are certain, like themes where that shows up more in your life than other places?

So I am. I'm in lack, I'm not receiving enough. And what has really shifted for me these last two weeks is, for example, like on a day when I might have a few less clients than I normally do, I might normally be a little bit stressed about that. Like, gosh, I don't have a full schedule today. Again, like this lack of, I'm not receiving enough.

I wouldn't steward that extra time well, so that abundance is coming through. First of all, I'm not even seeing it for what it is. I'm not receiving it, and it's just going to waste completely. That's one example, but it even comes through in really small ways where like I might get from a coffee shop, a free drink card.

Yeah. Um, and I'm just careless with it and maybe like I accidentally throw it away in the trash or I'm just like, ah, whatever, and I toss it because I don't want paper on my desk or something. And like, it's that. It's literally the universe being like, okay, well abundance today came in the form of a free drink and you, yeah.

It helps me think to myself, okay, well where has that happened for me? What am I not noticing? And also how that translates into greater joy and satisfaction in your daily life. Um, whereas I think life can sometimes, you know, as an adult in the world right now, seem a little bit like I wake up and there's a list of problems and things that have to be taken care of.

Yeah. And gratitude and contentment, I don't think mean, we can't still push and, and strive and dream for more, but it's, I think for me, I just was in this kind of perpetual, very subtle but perpetual state of just like, uh, but it's still not what I'm wanting. It's still not what I'm wanting. I. Yeah, and, and so come on, universe, where are you?

Why isn't it showing up? Rather than being like, I see this, I receive it. Thank you so much. But you know what really clicked for me was being able to go, you are being so silly, Leigh Ann, how the universe would love to give you everything you're asking for. But if you feel shame around a free dinner, think about how much shame you're gonna feel around reaching your first million.

I think all of that was so. Intentional and showed your, I don't know, just like how much you were putting yourself out there for people to extend to and like latch onto really, you know, like really connect with, um, on these things. And I thought that was really magical actually. It, I. You don't see a lot of people doing that.

connect and to have your cup filled. Mm-hmm. Like you set the stage for yourself, you said, it is totally possible. I'm gonna set everything up so that I might actually be able to receive what I'm looking for, and I'm just gonna trust that it's gonna happen. Yeah, it did. Yeah. And that like trusting, trusting and receiving that.

It was such a gift for me to have all those people show up and give me their time and feel so seen and important to them. And that also it, it might've been a gift for them to be welcomed in in that way. You know, we had a, during dinner we had a roast and toast. I love it on Saturday. So, you know, people sharing funny stories, but also just like really kind sweet, uplifting words and stories and.

So special to her. Yes. Yeah. And watch somebody else be seen. Mm-hmm. You know, like sometimes we need that, I think to, to see somebody else bravely take a step out and be seen and have other people tell stories about them. Whether it's advice or a funny story. And I think that's. That's a, a vulnerability.

Like it's super easy to go to the bar and have, you know, drinks and everyone says, you know, cheers to you. Happy birthday, see you later. Um, and that's fine, but it's, it's not this, it's not what we're talking about here, which is a little bit of vulnerability and then allowing people to say. Yes. Like lean, you're, you're easy to celebrate.

I think, yeah. Yeah. And such a perfect practice round. You know, I'm saying like, I wanna learn how to receive. Yeah. That's not just gonna magically happen. I'm gonna receive, I'm gonna receive experiences that I need to practice. But it was so funny because I just was like, you know what? I'm just gonna look at this like a game.

How much can I say yes to? How much can I receive? And I really need to make like a checklist in my journal of. All the things that came through over the last few weeks. Yes. You know, free consult with this person, free dinner here, free coffee, like big and small things. Um, and so it almost became funny.

It's a new chapter. It's the next 10 years to create an entirely different version of myself. What am I gonna say yes to and how much can I hold in? Mm-hmm. And, and draw into me That's mm-hmm. It's gonna be the question, right? And that's really exciting and probably daunting in its own way. Like what will that look like?

And I'm sure you have thoughts on that. You mentioned a life inventory, like you're maybe thinking through some of these things, but um, yeah, what an exciting and joyful way to kick it off. Yeah, completely. I know you did the Realign Your Life workshop Did, I think I shared in the intro of last week's episode that I'm going through that again.

So that was, that's one of the ways, you know, again, June is sort of this big month of receiving and engaging and connection, but also doing like a deep. Steep inventory with myself and where I'm at and how far I've come. Probably more so than just like reflecting on the last year. It's a lot of reflecting on what was my life up until this point, and I'm in a new decade.

A lot of that through because of myself, and a lot of that because of external things too, but a lot of that's self-imposed. And so I do think a big part of my thirties is playing big. Being seen, connection, community, welcoming all that in, and I'm sure there'll be more. But yes, I think that's why this conversation feels very timely and resonant.