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Last Updated: September 2, 2024

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095: Effective communication tips for military couples and solo-parenting for more than a year with Jessica Lynn

Air Force wife and mom of three young kids Jessica Lynn is currently stationed in Germany, has recently endured solo-parenting for more than a year, and PCS'd overseas during a pandemic. She reflects and shares how proud she is to survive that year of solo-parenting, the importance of transparency and acknowledgment with her husband, when to have alone time within the family, and much more.

Connect with Jessica Lynn at https://jessicalynnwrites.com/ or on Instagram @jesstagirl

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Jen Amos 0:00

All right. Hey everyone. Welcome back to another episode of the award winning podcast show holding down the fort. I am your co host Jen emos, also a gold star daughter and veteran spouse. And as always in season four especially, I have my amazing co host with me who is an active duty military spouse going 12 years now, mom of two and mental health advocate Jenny Lynch troop. Gentlemen, welcome back.

Unknown Speaker 0:20

Hey, thanks for having me. Glad to be here.

Jen Amos 0:22

Yeah, absolutely. And we are excited because we are chatting with an incredible military spouse all the way in Germany right now. So let me go ahead and introduce her. So let me go ahead and bring on Jessica Lynn. Jessica Lynn is an Air Force wife going on 15 years, mom of three young kids currently stationed in Germany. But get this She recently endured solo parenting for more than a year and PCs during a pandemic. Wow, Jessica, welcome to the show.

Unknown Speaker 0:51

Well, thank you for having me.

Jen Amos 0:53

Yeah, I know that we were talking a little bit offline when I was reading your introduction at first. And you were very surprised to hear me say it out loud. So how did that impact you to know that you went through it, but for me to say it out loud for you.

Speaker 1 1:06

So when I was just a military girlfriend, and even as a young Air Force military wife, I would hear stories about military wives who have done solo parenting for a year or longer than a year. And it blew my mind, I could not wrap my head around that. When we were like, younger military spouses, we would go through one month, two months deployments, we got some six months in there. But a year is a really long time. So to hear it out loud that we actually did it. It still doesn't seem real. I mean, this 372 days were very real. But it's very nice to be on the other side.

Jen Amos 1:47

Yeah, I can only imagined it's nice to kind of look back and be like, yeah, I earned that badge of solo parenting for a year. But I imagine in the thick of it, you're like, How is this even possible?

Speaker 2 1:58

I think I was similar. When I married my husband, he was enlisted in on shore duty. And so he works like, you know, an eight hour shift and came home. And it was just like anybody else. And then he was no longer on shore duty. And I did a lot of solo parenting and a lot of, you know, things by myself. But even when we first got married, I was like, Oh, yeah, you know, I'm sure that happens. But that sounds hard. But whatever. And, you know, then I had to do it. And I very much like Jessica was like, on the backside of it, you go Holy moly. Like when I tell my story out loud and watch people's face change. When I go I had a baby while he was deployed. And we did back to back deployments. And then we moved and data. And they go, so how long have you been doing this? And I'm like, Well, that was just a year and a half. And their responses. Oh, my god, that was a lot of life. Like packed into all of that. I mean, that's really what I took out a desk a story, like, it's weird to be on the backside and realize all you've done because those data days are long. The last time I solo Parenthood, I distinctly remember putting my toddlers to bed at 5pm and also going to bed at 5pm many nights because I was just worn out.

Speaker 1 3:16

Absolutely. I'm totally nodding my head over here, because that's exactly it. The days are long. The year is short, somehow, and you just get through it again, somehow, you just do it. During that year, I moved solo, which that's crazy to say I moved myself and my three kids from California to New Mexico, so I could be closer to family. And we did that alone. The military did not move us. Wow. Yeah. Like how did I do that? But we did it? Because that's what you do you pull your military spouse, big girl panties on and you just get it done? Yeah,

Jen Amos 3:52

I mean, looking back at the solo parenting for a year, first and foremost, what do you feel like was kind of the key for you to get through a year or two, like endure that year? Like, when you look back? You're like, because I did this. I was able to make through it. Obviously in the thick of it. I'm sure you don't think about those things. But looking back, like what do you feel like was the one thing that maybe kept you going?

Speaker 1 4:15

So I actually did think of it. And I think having years of solo parenting just sprinkled in helped. But it's really getting into a routine. It's that my kids know we're going to get up, we're going to have breakfast, we're going to do something that day, whatever that may be. Maybe we're moving to another state or whatever we're going to do they know that it's just going to be constant and I'm going to be there with them. It is early bedtimes that is something that definitely is very high on my book. We have quiet time they go to their room, and then they stay there unless something catastrophic is happening. And they know that from a really young age my kids were to Oh gosh, how old were they? They were young. five, three and seven. Something Like that, so

Jen Amos 5:01

start smaller. Yes. Yeah, I

Speaker 1 5:04

just very routine. Keep consistency.

Jen Amos 5:07

Hmm. Yeah, I like that Jenny Lana saw you nodding lot. So I thought I check in with you.

Speaker 2 5:11

Oh, yeah, I mean, I would add another seed that consistency. And for me it was community. The last time I really solo parenting, you know, I've relied a lot both on my military spouse friends and also my family because I was fortunate enough to live in my hometown and actually live with my parents, the last time my husband deployed and so you know, for me, it was having the collective help of everyone, but also that consistency like prior to learning about that deployment, we'd already signed my son up for preschool. My love is 45 minutes from my parents house, but we did it every Monday and Wednesday. And it was just, that's what we did. And it was one of those things that kept us you know, in the groove and you know, moving and then when Matthew got to come home, like mid deployment for r&r, my first response was, you don't get to do this. Like we have to go somewhere and do something that is so totally different, because we cannot insert you into this routine, just to have you pulled out of it. And so we went to Disney World, which I realized is not possible and pandemic life. But it was with the last deployment we did. But that was one of the things is it wouldn't have been consistent to add him in and then to have to take him back out again.

Unknown Speaker 6:21

Yes.

Speaker 1 6:22

And kind of along those same lines, another C is celebrate, we celebrated the 10th of every single month because that is what that's the day that he left. And we celebrated. They got to pick each month we go out for doughnuts, or we go out for ice cream, or we did bowling one day, I think and we took a picture, we celebrated the heck out of that day that we survived another month. My husband also came home during med tour. And thank goodness it was during their Christmas break, because I was having the same fears like I do not want you coming here messing up our routine. Because that's gonna mess everything up. I'm gonna go crazy. So thankfully, they had a break. And we got to celebrate, not with our routine messed up.

Jen Amos 7:07

It's like it's okay. It could be reckless. During the break, I'm curious to know, you know, in that year alone of taking care of your kids or solo parenting your kids. And I know that they're still young, but how did they, I guess work through that year? Have they communicated with you how they felt about, you know, dad being gone for a year? And how is that like for you to I guess, you know, comfort them for that year long?

Speaker 1 7:31

That's a great question. before he left, we bought several different books, especially for the younger ones, we got some books that he recorded his voice on. And they still listen to them, like my son. He had them memorized. And that's what we did every single night we read one of those books, or I guess my husband read it to them, that helped tremendously. Of course, Marco Polo the app, we would do some Markopolos, because those are great, since it won't wake you up, you know, like we could send one to him, he would get it when he woke up and then send it back, it was a little bit different than FaceTime. And of course, just emails back and forth and letters, he would send letters. So just little things here and there. My older one, we would talk about things, I also wouldn't watch the news. And that was a very big, big thing. I just didn't want where he was to come up and have more questions than I might have answers for. So I kept things pretty guarded in that sense.

Unknown Speaker 8:35

Wow.

Jen Amos 8:36

I think that's smart to not watch the news. I mean, I still think that's just kind of good advice in general, to not watch the news, because especially with everything that's going on right now, but also it's like, you know, I can imagine how much I can almost drive you insane if like you see something in the news in regards to your husband, and you can't contact him in that very moment, you know. So it's almost like you have to kind of hold yourself in not denial, but definitely like you said, kind of like have this bubble where it does feel secure, feel safe, you have faith that you know, everything's okay. But to even put something as news into your head, it's detrimental to even your mental health. So I think that that's a very interesting tip. And I'm curious, genuine, has that been something you've done yourself? Or I wonder if that's common amongst our community to do that. But that's the first time I'm really hearing that. And I think it's smart, honestly.

Speaker 2 9:25

i'm so proud of you jennylyn i need it's kind of like not that i've ever been in a but like yeah i haven't watched the news for this long and i'm very proud of my i've been sober for this long no i think that's incredible and i think that a lot of us should take after you because i mean you know my in my husband's like a big history buff and he does follow the news i mean not like the we don't have a tv so he'll get take his news from like his favorite like podcasters and talk show hosts and stuff like that like online but every time he updates me i'm just like how is this important to our life right now like how does this impact us like immediately directly other than causing me like additional stress i think it's a really good point and it's important to protect like your mental health and your sanity and sometimes it's not watching the news

before he left actually was after he left we got them each a daddy doll i don't know if you've seen those but they're little dolls and it looked just like him just in a minute her stuffed animal doll form and they took them everywhere my two youngest would sleep with them at night if we went on a trip to the store they would take it with them so it was like a security blanket and they always got to be with him and be near him even if he wasn't there

we have the same in fact we probably need to update them for the next deployment because the navy no longer uses the uniforms that have been discontinued so it doesn't even look like anymore because they don't use those blue camouflage ones but yeah we have this as well and we have many family photos like birthday parties where it's being the kids and the daddy doll like that was there our family photo for the day yeah

i love that i wish my mom did that for me when i was when we were military when we were still in the military i was like i didn't have a daddy doll like i don't know i just feel like military families have it right today in regards to really just you know giving that kind of support for your kids and going back to what you mentioned earlier jessica in regards to you know your husband recording for a book we actually interviewed one of jacqueline's friends actually sally and saul who runs a nonprofit united through reading where it is about having the service member record just kind of have themselves read a book and then take that audio and that book and give it to the child so that they have something you know that they can listen to and hear dad's voice and so you know again that just kind of reminded me of that conversation jennylyn i don't know if you have any thoughts on that

oh no as soon as she started typing we have both we actually have those books where you like hardcopy your your voice into the book and as you flip the pages like matthew is reading the words and then we we also have a ton of united to reading because then that was video of him reading the story and then the kids could follow along with the book so yeah we did both in that i mean i do think all of those things combined helped connection when he got back i mean you know there's only so much you can do but all of those things and together like help foster that oh that's who he is so there isn't this awkward moment on the pier where you're like

who is that guy that reminds me of the days when we would greet my dad back and he would look different every time because sometimes he would gain like a lot of weight on the ship and then he would lose all that weight like six seven months later and i'm like dad you know but it's just yeah i just i really appreciate those tools jessica that you're sharing because you know when i think about like the kids or i think about even my own upbringing in the military life and how it was kind of like we didn't talk about dad till he he came back and then when he did come back it was very much i mean it was i i always like to say that i never felt his absence i only felt his presence so when he was around he was really around but when he wasn't around it's like he didn't exist it was like okay you know mom mom just helping us go through the motions and go to school and stuff like that and so you know i just appreciate just that consistency you know that you and even jennylyn does for your kids because i think about kind of life after the military and just how even after we had unfortunately lost dad like just again we acted as if he didn't exist and that ended up costing me later like 20 plus years later Wondering why I have abandonment issues and why I have issues with men. So I just say all this, because I think you all are setting up your kids for success later in life to have that consistency, you know, with their dad. Yeah, I

love that. Because, you know, I was filling the shoes of mom and dad, and I didn't want them to constantly be missing him, because then they would miss out on that whole year, it'd be really hard for them if they were constantly super sad and wanted them to know, like, life is gonna move on this year, we're gonna still do stuff, we're gonna make more friends, we're gonna still survive this year.

You did. You're just looking back like, Whoa, I did that. So, you know, one of the things that we wanted to talk about Jessica is, you know, the importance of effective communication, you having been in the military life for 15 years, and taking care of your little ones, and moving and PCs, saying, and just everything requires a lot of communication. And so I'm excited again, to this topic of effective communication and practicing patience for military life with your spouse and with your kiddos. So we talked a little extensively about your kids, but tell me, especially whether it's that year, that year where you're solo parenting, or even when he's home, like, let us know, what are some, I guess, like key things that you want to share with us today in regards to having effective communication, and practicing patience with your spouse.

So first, I would say it's a two way street. And our communication story just starts from the very beginning, where we were really both open about each other about our circumstances. We talk about everything, everything that he can talk about, he'll tell me, and anything that I'm going through, I will tell him, I know a lot of people don't like to, I want to say like, quote, bother them while they're overseas, or while they're working. But I still want him to know, like, what's really going on. And that's just a choice that we both decided to make, I don't want to sugarcoat things while he's over there and say, like, life is great. We haven't had 17 tantrums today, I want him to know, like, some of the kids are really having a hard time today. And it was not a good day. You know, grandma had to come over while I went outside for five minutes alone, that kind of thing. So communication is very big. We've done it through text or email, whatever really needs to happen is what we do, I would send an email at night, because that's when I would unload everything, I would maybe go through it a couple times before I'd actually send it. And then he'll send something encouraging back. And that's how I would start my morning is like, okay, he acknowledges that this is hard. He's not there. What am I going to do to move on today, and having him still be part of our lives was very big for both of us.

Yeah, there's two things that I really heard in what you share. It is like when you talk about effective communication, you're really talking about transparency, saying, Hey, this is really what's going on right now. Just so you know, gotta call grandma got to step out for like, five minutes for self care. Five minutes, just five, you know, it's a lot. I know, it's a lot, but I got it. And the best part of it, though, that I like is the second part is the acknowledgement. Like he's like, Wow, thank you for sharing. And like you said, Those words of encouragement, like, you know, probably like, you can get through this. And you're an awesome mom, like, whatever he says, to get you going, because I think it could feel really lonely when you are expressing what you're going through to your spouse, and they don't really empathize or they don't really acknowledge it. Or maybe they go in and say, Well, this is what I went through today at work, you know, and so for you both to provide that to be transparent with each other, and acknowledge and validate, you know, what you're going through, it doesn't make it feel like he's still there, right? Like, I would imagine that to know that. Like, it's like, oh, you're a part of this, like you're here like even though you're not physically here, you're here because you're acknowledging what's going on. And I think that's really powerful. And it doesn't replace the in person, but it definitely helps.

Absolutely. And that's why I never say that I'm single parenting, I'm not a single parent, I have somebody I am in a relationship, he may not physically be here, but he is very much part of part of us, and part of our family. And I do acknowledge that many military spouses don't like to bother them and, and won't say things and, you know, the mission is their job and all that and yes, it is, but so his family. So that's just a choice that we have made.

Yeah, and it's like, you know, at least with the service member, it's like you have to remember that you have a home to come back to and if you don't nurture it while you're away, you know, if you just leave it up to the spouse to you know, maintain that home there's going to be that disconnect, you know, there's like this weird expectation like Okay, I'm gonna come home and Jessica is gonna roll out the red carpet for me. It's like no, that's not gonna happen. Here's the red carpet, the front door you roll it out yourself and then come in.

No potty training, you need to know what you're literally about to step into.

I love it. Genuine, I thought I'd check in with you see if you had any thoughts.

So many any thoughts one being i think with our upcoming sea duty tour the knowledge that jessica is sharing is something that i will take into it as a spouse it's now 12 years in the last time we did this you know we've been married two years three years and i didn't have the same perspective on communication that jessica shared like i'd kind of sat through several briefings where they were like hey you keep the heart off their plate like they're doing these things and you keep the heart off their plate and that's your job and so kind of unbeknownst to matthew that was the messaging i was getting and so he returned from his second deployment which was the back to back and was like what do you mean all this stuff was happening like what and i was like i wasn't supposed to tell you and so we had many many conversations of how he wanted us to communicate and we wanted to communicate in the future because it did not set us up for success it did not go well and you know lo and behold like five years after that he stumbled upon a military spouse magazine that had an article about how you don't share that and i was like see i was right like this is actually thing and he's like but it's not a thing for us now and i think that's really where that communication from the start kind of really comes in like i said i mean we're moving to see doody tour and knowing now that he would rather know those things sets us up totally differently than it did before and again i mean now i have 12 years of this lifestyle versus two so all of those things i think it changes with every deployment to like obviously his job this time will be very different than last time because he's the guy in charge versus like the guy working for the guy and so you know all of that kind of changes how you communicate to you and i think that's just a conversation that needs to be had beforehand and probably ongoing and here's my you know ding ding ding like this is where couples therapy comes in really great like we have learned great skills to set this up for this next phase of military life because we took the time to like learn all of those things about each other and have someone help us kind of craft what it looks like moving forward for us to communicate effectively

yeah absolutely what i'm hearing is that if you just listen to what i guess the briefings tell you what the military tells you they tell you that as a spouse you have to sort of self sacrifice and you have to suck it up and not let's say burden the service member with the problems at home but the thing that you both had figured out or especially you jessica very early on is you decided as a couple we're going to be transparent we're going to share all this and i can imagine that that probably set you up for success more so than the average couple that you know especially a spouse who feels alone and isolated can't share these things and it really takes a toll on them and i think both parties feel alone and you know there's no connection there's no way to kind of build that bridge so then when the reintegration happens and they're back for a little bit i even feel like i'm at a loss of words you can describe that because i can only imagine like if there's already that disconnect it's even more difficult when they come back home i imagine and so anyway what i'm hearing in this conversation is that yes you can be transparent you should be transparent you know with your spouse because like that's how you're going to maintain a solid foundation especially when you do have to solo parent but i'm just taking this all in and i'm really just appreciating the wisdom from both of you

and i think it has to be a two way street and i think it definitely needs to be discussed with your spouse before they leave for their deployment and discuss like how much you would want to know you know i don't tell him my entire day i would tell him the bigger things and i think you know because he is still dealing with stuff out there and he didn't tell me what he was going through yeah i know it was still hard but i really think that that is something that definitely helped us and like you were saying i cannot imagine him coming back if i didn't talk to him like i did and if we didn't share things that's like it was like a scary thought when you're saying that like oh my gosh what would that be like and honestly and i'm very thankful for this our reintegration was perfectly fine there were no hiccups and i was slightly worried because you hear stories about how hard it is and how it takes an adjustment period and there was no adjustment period because we had been communicating the entire time wow

well kudos to you jessica i think a lot of us can learn from you

yeah i was like wow nobody adjustment period that's the thing huh me

not at all

you know so going forward i hope with more effective communication we can at least shorten the length of readjustment time at the stroop house that would be preferable

i guess you should say Maybe that's where the whole pandemic thing comes in. Because there's a lot of other stuff

going on. Yeah,

got a little crazy at the end, but we seamlessly ended up in Germany without killing each other.

That's good to know.

Yeah. always positive. Yeah. But the other side, and you're both we did.

We actually had a two week quarantine right when we got to Germany, you know, could not leave our front door. So we were stuck together all five of us in a small house for two straight weeks. And it actually ended up being a blessing. I was very nervous about it. But it was a huge blessing, because we got two weeks together. Yeah, to just be a family. And it was amazing. So I think that's where reintegration really was, we got to just hang out. Great.

I love that. But that is so beautiful, Jessica. Wow. Well, I mean, 30 minutes flew by really fast here. I was just like into this conversation. Jessica, you're amazing. And I just want to applaud you for your resiliency and positivity. And I think optimism of your life. I mean, obviously, you've been in this for quite some time. So it sounds like you got a handle on it for the most part. But the thing I really took from our conversation is just that, that transparency early on, are having that agreement of like, how much do you want of me to disclose in my life to you and vice versa? To me, I really feel like it sets you up for success. Other than that, is there anything else that you want to share with our military community, particularly our spouses in regards to communication tips?

So you mentioned patients in a couple of the questions, and I kind of bypass that, because I am not the most patient person, especially with three on kids solo parenting for a year. But I think if I could, just looking back, I think that early bedtimes just helps with the patients because your patients were spin as the night goes on, and just giving them some alone time because they need it as much as you do, you know, to be by themselves, have quiet time, read a book, play together. And then you know, if you put them in the rooms at seven, lights out at eight, like they don't have to go to bed right away, just have some quiet time. Also self care for yourself. That helped tremendously. I would hire a babysitter to come over two or three times a week in the morning to watch the little one. And I would go do something that was very beneficial to me, if that means hiring someone to come clean your house, so you don't have to worry about it, like do that that's gonna help your patients

later. So

you're not yelling at whoever for not cleaning things up. So just different methods of being patient and finding workarounds. When you're the only one that's that's there to do the work.

Yeah, definitely like leveraging like other resources, like having a babysitter and a housekeeper or house cleaner to be able to pick up the slack for things that you just don't have time for. At that time. Energy. Yeah, their energy. Yeah. The last question I want to ask you, Jessica is at this point in your journey so far as military spouse and mom of three young kids, what are you most proud of?

Wow, that's a question. I'm most proud of really surviving that year. It was a very crazy year. Looking back on it.

on my blog, I

wrote out everything that happened in the end of 2019. And through 2020. And it was just crazy. We moved across the world during a pandemic, right after a year plus long deployments with three kids like, it just blows my mind that that actually all happened and that we ended up on the other side. I'm very proud of that.

I'm very proud of you. That's just ridiculous in the best at the best way possible. So Jessica, kudos to you and just your continuous, amazing journey of this military life.

I echo Jessica's things you do for your kids and for yourself. I had a similar setup. during deployment, I hired somebody once a week to watch the boys and it was either for me to go do dentist and Doctor therapy, and also just to go eat lunch by myself and read a book uninterrupted and those small things ended up making such a big deposit and how you are able to weather you know, these separations and things, you know, and I've also learned over my years as a wife and military spouse and mom, like there's some things I just can't care about laundry for me is one of those things like it may be clean, and it may sit in the hamper for you know, clean and unfolded for days. And that is just something I quite frankly don't care about. Can you find your underwear great, like go pull it out of the pile. And I think kind of learning those things helps a lot with that so low that solo parenting journey because you can't do it all. I mean, we're super in a lot of ways and have a lot of superhuman strength sometimes and also we are human and you just can't care about at all. There's no way and not enough time in the day. So you Early bedtime, finding the sitter eating by yourself all really good things to do.

I just feel like today's conversation was just such a good self care talk. So so thank you ladies.

You're welcome. Don't care about your laundry today. You're welcome.

You know, since you bring up laundry quite often, so I should share with you what I do with my laundry. Yeah, I don't fold them. We have boxes. I'm like, okay, here's the box of underwear. Here's the box of shirts. Like we have a steamer if you need to, like straighten anything out. There you go. But I literally don't like fold things. I just keep them in boxes. That's just kind of been my thing. And now I'm okay with that. I'm like, I don't care. Like especially, you know, with the pandemic, it's like, I just need to have a nice top. And you know, that's it. Other than that, it's fine. I don't need I don't need to care too much about doing perfect laundry. Maybe I'll fold the towels. Maybe not. I don't know. But I love it. I love constantly bringing that up. Because it's like, yeah, you don't have to care about everything. And if your boys can find their underwear, there you go. Problem solved.

There you go. Correct. Everybody has

the biggest tip. I don't know why, how I missed this,

huh?

Get yourself some plastic or paper plates and don't wash dishes every single night? How did I forget that? I'm sorry. But when you're going through a deployment, you make your life a little bit easier. Because doing the dishes was the worst part. And that was the worst part is having to wash dishes every single night. So some nights we didn't most nights towards the end. We did not.

I love that. I love that attitude. I had a friend growing up where they never had like, like their own silverware plates, and you know, glass plates and bowls and stuff. They just had paper plates. And I was like, I mean, yeah, sure if some can debate that's bad for the economy. But hey, it's kind of practical. If if you're not going to be a professional dishwasher. Yeah, so get some paper plates. You know, like, if you're not gonna make a living out of that. Yeah, it's okay. You know, but no, I love I love that tip, Jessica. And I just absolutely love everything that you shared on our show today. And so with that said, let us know, let our listeners know. And this will be provided in the show notes. But let us know how can people find you online if they want to learn more about you and your blog and just, you know, overall, follow your journey?

Yeah, so I have a blog called Jessica Lynn writes, writes like you're writing a note to your special person. And so Jessica Lynn writes calm and then I'm on Instagram at just a girl JSSTAGRL

awesome. I love it. Wow. Well, that flew by really fast. I'm very impressed. I was just like so into this conversation. And with our listeners. We hope that today's episode gave you one more piece of knowledge resource a relevant story so you can continue to make confident and informed decisions for you and your family. We look forward to speaking with you in the next episode. Tune in next time.