Join host Yvonne McCoy and guest Kim Gross as they delve into the transformative power of embracing inner liberation through conscious change. Kim, a podcast host and author, shares her personal narrative of overcoming people-pleasing and perfectionism by tackling subconscious patterns developed in childhood. This enlightening conversation explores the concept of wearing masks to protect ourselves and offers actionable steps towards genuine personal growth. Kim emphasizes the importance of awareness, ownership, and deep healing in transforming personal and professional relationships.

Guest Bio:

Kim Gross is the podcast host of "Masks Off for People Pleasers and Perfectionists" and an accomplished author of the book, "Free to be a Pathway to Inner Liberation." As a recovering people pleaser and perfectionist, Kim has dedicated her journey to personal development and self-transformation. Her insights stem from years of experience and transformative moments, including a pivotal New York City conference featuring keynote speaker Dr. Shefali. Her mission is to empower others to live authentically by shedding their masks and embracing their true selves.

Key Points Discussed:

1. [00:01:00] Kim Gross's Journey: Discovering the power of self-transformation, Kim shares her background and the significance of meeting Dr. Shefali.
2. [00:04:39] Conscious Parenting: Examining how childhood patterns and parental behaviors impact us as adults, both personally and professionally.
3. [00:10:34] Trauma and Pattern Recognition: Understanding the impact of childhood traumas and the role of masks in protecting our inner selves.
4. [00:17:29] Professional Implications: Identifying how perfectionism and people-pleasing manifest in business environments.
5. [00:20:09] Steps for Transformation: Unveiling Kim’s 5 step power pathway to promote self-awareness and intentional change.

Main Quote:

"Take off your mask and be your true self."

Website- www.kimgrosscoaching.com

Email- [email protected]

Link to free quiz- www.kimgrosscoaching.com/quiz.php

Hello, everybody. It's that time again. Welcome

to the one small change. And I'm thrilled that you took time

out of your schedule to spend time with us on this journey of

exploration and transformation. I'm Yvonne McCoy. I'm your host,

and I bring almost 30 years of entrepreneurial experience and a passion

for discovering growth through the power of seemingly small

change. So I really wanna thank you for joining me this

week. And, I have somebody

that is gonna rock your socks, somebody who's gonna really change

your world. In a very short conversation, she gave me so much to

think about that I know that you're gonna leave here with some

amazing insights. And that person is

Kim Gross. Kim, thank you so much for taking time

to do this with us today. So,

what what was the small change? What what do you do, and how

did that small change help you to do that? Okay. So

first of all, I'll start with what I do. I'm the

podcast host of Masks Off for People

Pleasers and Perfectionists, and I am

an author for my new book, Free to be

a Pathway to Inner Liberation.

Now masks I said masks offer people pleasers and perfectionists, and that

is because I am a recovering people pleaser

and perfectionist. And I've spent years

wearing those masks. And through

doing the inner work, personal development work, I

have transformed myself

into feeling more powerful.

One small change, one small event. That was a

pivotal defining moment for me

happened about 14 years ago.

And I went to a conference

in New York City. And my background is

that I'm an educator. So this particular conference

was on mindfulness in schools. I

had just become interested in learning about mindfulness. I was implementing it in

my own life, and I thought to myself, let's

learn about this mindfulness meditation in schools sounded

interesting. So I took the train

from Albany, New York all the way down to New York City,

and I did not

expect this person to

be the keynote speaker and that she would

be a life changing person in my life,

and she is she wrote the forward for my book.

Her name is doctor Shefali. I don't know if your listeners have heard of her.

She wrote the conscious parents. She's written many books

since then. And from the moment, Yvanda,

she started to speak, like, within 5 minutes,

I just started sobbing. Mhmm.

I just started sobbing. She was speaking

to the wounded

child inside of me. She was speaking to,

let me stop for a minute. At this time, my kids were probably

about 13 and 10. So she was speaking to

the wounded child in me. She was speaking

to the mom that

was disappointed in the way she was showing up.

She was speaking to the mom or the part of me that

felt like I was a failure as a mom.

So, again, going back to what she teaches and talks about

is conscious parenting. After that conference

well, first of all, I was shook into the core at the end of her

speech and the whole train ride home. I'm like, oh my god. I'm the

worst mom ever. And just had all these thoughts and feelings

going on. And, oh my goodness. Oh my goodness. So I went

and looked her up. And at the time, her first

book, the conscious parent, was that maybe it wasn't her first. My maybe her

second. I read the entire book, and then

I took every course she offered. I read all of her

books. And what was so pivotable pivotal

about that one small change that had such big

impact is that it wasn't about me being a

different mom. It wasn't about me changing my kids.

It was about me changing me, and it was

about me looking at my patterns in the way I was

showing up and how I was projecting so many

of my insecurities, so many generational

patterns onto my kids, the way my mom

parented me, All of a sudden, I'm sounding like my mom,

which I thought I would never sound like her. I and how many

time I mean, I I I think all of us that have parents

at some point have the words come out of your mouth and go, oh my

god. I'm my mom. Do you know? Yes. You

know? And and I think the thing that that we don't realize

is that many of the behaviors that we have,

we got in childhood, and we got them from our parents

mainly to keep us safe or to keep us from getting

hurt. Right? And they may have worked

then Yeah. But they don't work now. And I have to

tell you that in the short conversation that we had about

a week or so ago, you you hit some chords

with me that I was like, oh my god. I and and

I put them to work right away. So tell tell me more. Tell me more.

I don't Yeah. Absolutely. Well and you're so right.

We developed these patterns in childhood to protect

ourselves. These masks that I talk about on my podcast,

wearing a mask is a way of protection. It's

okay. It's realizing first of all,

let me preface to the listeners by saying that this is

all on a subconscious level. When we're kids, we don't know that we're

doing this, but this is what we do. We

learn whether it's from our mom or dad or who

caregivers, coaches, teachers, society. We learn

at some point that when we have tried to show up as our true

self, it backfired.

It stung. It burned. It hurt

us. We felt shamed. We felt our needs

were unmet. We felt insecure, embarrassed,

ridiculed, afraid. What a shame that I say shame, shame,

shame. Right? Because that's a lot of what we feel is shame.

And so then in order to avoid

that kind of painful feeling, we find

ways to protect ourselves.

So for me, it was people pleasing and it was perfection.

If I just learned how to please my mom and do what she

wanted me to do, say what she wanted me to say, think what

she wanted me to think, acquiesce to everything. Then

in my little girl mind, I could control

the situation. I thought I could keep her happy.

And then I started to do the same with friends. If I wanted to

be fitting in or be liked or be popular, I

did all the things that I thought I needed to do in order to

be accepted. So we developed

these patterns, these masks, these skills, coping mechanisms,

whatever you wanna call them. But as you just said, and

it's so true, as adults, they don't

work very well. And that's yeah. No. I'm sorry.

But I I think the thing that that is so I mean, I think I

know this, but when you hear it out loud, it it's stunning,

is that this these are things that are so unconscious to

us. Yes. That you know, because when you say it, it almost sounds like

we're manipulating people that we are, you know, I'm gonna be this way so

that but but that's not the case. The case is I mean and

I said to you when I first started doing my webinars and I had one

of my clients, you know, back me up, you know, I was going to be

the professional. I was gonna be you know? And she said to me

afterwards, I don't know who that person was at that webinar, but that's not

the person that I love that coaches me. Mhmm.

And I was a totally different person. It was like, you know, it it was

kind of what I was taught in terms of that you always have to be

the best, and then you go into corporate and and you repeat that it

you know, you're climbing the ladder, you know. So you've got

you're in that I gotcha kind of situation. So

it's amazing. And we're taught to read the room. Right? Like,

as a child, if you are,

again, trying to protect yourself from getting in trouble,

you read the room and you kind of you

adapt from there. You camouflage from there. Again,

you're a 100% right. We aren't doing this on a conscious level. We are

just subconsciously learning. If I don't want my dad

who's, you know, just had 10

beers and is not in a good mood, I'm gonna be

careful what I say. I'm gonna tiptoe around.

And what that is called is an eggshell environment,

which is trauma. Living in an eggshell environment

is traumatic, and we don't think of that because we just

think about trauma as being someone who's been in

a horrific accident, somebody who went to war, something

extreme sexual abuse, like big, big traumas,

but there are little traumas. And that is one when you are walking around

trying to censor all the time. Should I say this? Can

I can I cry? Can I cry as a kid? Can I

feel my emotions? Can I be angry? We're

not allowed to we were not allowed to, many of us.

Mhmm. And that is let me just say too, that is

not to blame our parents. Right? At the time,

were there times when I was a teenager and I hated my mom? Yeah. I

did. I'm not gonna lie. Sometimes I hated her for how she made me

feel. But in hindsight, now she's passed

4 years ago. In hindsight, I know she

was doing the best she could with what she had. I know my

mom had her own trauma, her own pain. She

had a mother who was cold and uncaring and

didn't nurture her. Her dad died when she was 10. Her

sister died when she was 19 in a fire. And then she

started to help my grandmother take care of my 3 cousins. She

had so much trauma of her own, and she wasn't

taught how to feel her feelings and manage her emotions.

So, yeah, when she got upset, did she rage?

Yeah. So she just didn't know any better. Right?

When we know better, we do better. I and I think

that the thing is that that kind of

behavior was very acceptable because they didn't

have a better role model. And you said almost the exact same thing that I

say to my kids. I mean, as I started to be

able to, delve into, you know, my childhood

and look at different things that were happening, I would come home and say to

my kids, did I do this to you? And they would go, yes.

And I would go, oh my god. Did you know? And and so, you

know, one of the things that I say to my kids is, I did the

best that I could with what I had and what I know. Right?

I'm trying to get better, and I'm sharing that with you. But guess what?

You're an adult. You're gonna have to do your part too. You

know? But but I think the other part to that is we're talking,

you know, we're talking about family relationships, but this affects your

relationships in business as well. I think

that when you put on that mask, do

you know I think alright. So as a child, I think you get to be

hyper vigilant. And what I know about stress

is it's the small ongoing stress

that wears you down more than a big

major stress because you know that there's an end to it. Do you know?

You but the the ongoing that goes on for years and you and that's the

kind of trauma that you have in in what you call the eggshell

environment. And it's true because you're, like, just waiting for something you're waiting for

the other shoe to drop, and you become almost hypervigilant,

you know, to to you know, I I kind of explain it as if you

ever saw a pack of, you know, feral dogs or something on the street, and

you come near them, they you know, I mean, any, you know

and that's what it's like. You're living your life kinda like that. You know?

And I I would just add in if I could. Yes. We're talking about

families and the home life, but if that is how you

if that's how it was for you growing up and you didn't do anything

to change it, and you're like that now in your own family, it's

not like you're gonna compartmentalize that and just put it here. It

can spill over into

your professional life. It does. Yes.

It does. It does. It's unconscious. You don't have the switch. Right. Say

You don't have the most of us don't have the awareness that we're

wearing these masks and that we're carrying out these

patterns, and we do it in every facet of our

lives. So it will impact your ability to

be productive in business because you're

having these subconscious under under the line of consciousness

is what I say. This undercurrent always going on, and it's just

gonna keep playing out. So so can you give us

some examples of the way that shows up in business?

Well, I think if a person is dealing with some

perfectionistic tendencies, one of the things for a perfectionist

and there's so many of us. So many of and we don't

even always recognize. That's the first problem is we're not aware,

and you said, I know you're gonna ask me at some point for some steps,

and maybe I'll just add the first one right now because it pertains

to the question you just asked. Is that we

can't change that which we don't acknowledge.

If we aren't aware of our patterns and

how they're playing out, we're not gonna be able to change the behaviors. It's just

gonna keep running on that unconscious level. So let's

say I have perfectionistic tendencies. Well, if I

can't do all the things, let's say I have a

new project that I'm gonna work on and I can't do all

the things perfectly all at

once. Cause that's what a perfectionist will wanna do.

I've gotta get all, like, I gotta figure it all out right away. Let's say

I'm learning something new on, like a new

platform. I'm trying to think of an example.

Let's just say I'm learning from my podcast. I'm learning how to use Descript. It's

an editing software, and that's gonna improve the

quality of my podcast. There's an example. Well, I've never used

Descript before. As a as a perfectionist, recovering

perfectionist. I start to figure it out. Oh my god. This is too hard. I

can't figure it out. It's not coming to me quickly enough, or I'm expecting

myself to be able to get it all at once without

a learning curve. Right? I'm just supposed to know all this stuff

and what can happen. And this is what

does happen is that if we can't do it all and do it

perfectly, we swing the pendulum to the other way

of I'm not gonna do it at all. Or we'll

procrastinate. Procrastination is huge, a

huge sign that you have perfectionistic tendencies

because you keep putting off of that, which you

feel you are not good at and you can't be perfect at it.

So you just might as well avoid it. I'll just keep avoiding it because I'm

not good at it. I can't do it perfectly. So think about if you're in

business, your own business, or you work for a corporation and there

are parts of the job or business that are hard for

you and you're not getting it right away or naturally or

easily, there's this tendency to want to give up

and just procrastinate and then not do it at all. And so you're not putting

forth your best effort. I call that the rubber band

effect. It's like you're you're learning something new and you're stretching and you're

stretching and you're stretching and finally go you know? And then

you're back to where you kinda where you where you start.

I think the other thing is and I could be

wrong, but I think the other thing is because we've got this mask and

we're profession, it's really hard for us to ask for help.

It's really hard for us to say to say, I don't

wanna do that. Okay. So now you just named

people pleasing as well. Right? Because people pleaser has such a hard time

speaking up and asserting herself or oneself and

say instead of boundary, like, no. I'm

sorry. I don't want to do this project, or this is not for

me. I I can't do this. Can you give to someone else? That's a 100%

true. And then going back to the perfectionist asking

for help, well, if I ask you for help, Yvonne,

that must mean that on some way, I'm not good enough or I'm not

capable or I'm less than. And so for me to ask you for

help shows weakness. Mhmm. And I can't I can't show

weakness. Mhmm. I have to show you that I can

do everything all on my own without help. And you know

Which is just so backwards. Right. And, you know, one of the ways that this

shows up, I think, is with delegation.

It's like one of the things that that the the way that it shows up

is that people tend to micromanage. And I see this so

much in entrepreneurs, where they pick somebody that has a great

skill set, and then they micromanage them in the mediocrity.

I mean, I actually saw an executive director

jump on an assistant because she didn't like the folders that

she had bought for a meeting to the point she

was in tears. And then she complained that the

person never showed any initiative again.

Right? Yes. I hear what you're saying. So

and that can we can even trace that back to childhood. So

imagine, right, when we were children that we were trying to do something new or

we were asserting ourselves, we were stretching our comfort zone. And

if we had a teacher or our parents say

something derogatory, something judgmental or critical,

we might have said, oh, okay. I'm not gonna do that again. So to your

example right there, if a were an employee or

worker business tries to take initiative to do something

and then is either ridiculed, reprimanded, criticized, or judged,

they're not gonna wanna put themselves out there. Who wants to keep putting themselves out

there and taking the risk of exposure

if you're going to be judged or criticized. But okay. So I'll

stop there for a second. Well, so because you and

I, when we talked before, we we just, you know, kept going.

So, so there are 2 things that I wanna make sure that we have time

for. So we already did step 1. So let's can you give us, like, 2

other steps? And then we need to talk about the freebie that you've got. Absolutely.

So first of all, I have my 5 step power pathway. So I really have

5 steps. And I wanna preface by saying that to do

this, the work that I talk about and that I teach about

is not simple and quick.

Right? It because what I'm talking about is doing personal development work.

I'm talking about doing the inner work, and I'm talking about peeling

back one layer at a time. So the work is hard and

the work takes time. But here's the here's the thing that

for your listeners to know about that is that when you do

this kind of work, it is long

lasting, deep healing work. It's not

like just go 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, do these 5 steps, check them off

your list, and then you maybe do it for a short period of time. And

then you go back to old patterns when you really do the

work, the inner work, it is deep and long lasting. However,

or, and that being said, so the first step is awareness. You

have to first be able to be aware of your patterns.

The second thing is once you're aware, if you are that

person, who's a perfectionist at your job or in business, and now

you're like, okay, I see it. You have to take ownership and

responsibility for making the changes because no one

out there is going to come and change it for you. And then

the 3rd step really is about doing the inner

healing work, which takes time. It takes

effort. You might even need help with a coach or a therapist to

really heal those wounds from childhood. And then

lastly, then you're able to start taking

some action. Right? Because in order to have real change in our lives,

we need to take action. And that's can include something like

boundary setting, learning to assert yourself, learning

to speak directly, and have

really good clear communication. So I know I just kinda

rambled that all together and try to do it concisely because I know we're short

on time and you wanted 3 steps. But that is, the

basis of my 5 step power pathway, which really

does allow for a person to have

true transformation. So before

we run out of time, you gotta tell us about the freebie because it's fabulous.

Okay. So the freebie is my 5 step power pathway. Okay.

Right? Which is beautiful. So then for someone who's like, oh, what is she talking

about? What is she talking about? My 5 step power pathway is a

PDF framework where it gives you questions that you

can answer and journal about, and it takes you more

into detail and depth through those 5 steps.

So the link will be

in the notes. Yep. And you definitely need to grab this because

it will make a huge difference. And if we had time, I would tell you

what happened to me this week after our conversation.

So I'm gonna ask you the magic question. When was the last time you did

something for the first time? Okay. So I'm gonna put a

little if it's okay, I'm gonna put a little caveat on the question

because it's the first time I did this in

over 40 years. So it feels first for me, which

is that this weekend, I took a ride

to the lake that I grew up on spending every

single summer from the age of 5 to 17, where I

knew my true self. I was connected to my true self. So

what I did for the first time this weekend in a very long

time is reconnect with that child

part of me, and it was amazing.

And I stopped on the way home, and this was a first. I stopped

and got ice cream that was soft

serve, and it was made with, I think, a custard.

And I never had that before, and it was the creamiest,

most delectable is that the word? Delightful

ice cream I've ever had in my life. So that's fabulous.

That was. Fantastic ice cream is definitely something.

And and, Kim, I wanna thank you because, like I said, in the

conversation that we had when we first met, I got so many

nuggets to to work with. And I wish we had more time,

but we don't. So you gotta listen to her podcast. You gotta download

her thing, and, we need to call it quits.

And so, you know, I have to say to you, the first step is for

you to subscribe and to share and to engage this podcast on social

media so that you can supercharge your business. And this is

my way of giving back to the community and helping you fuel your quest for

growth and an impact. So I wanna make sure that you join me on the

one small change and go on this journey with me that where even the

tiniest shift can yield a monumental

transformation. And if you haven't listened to the first episode to

see what we're about, you should do that, and there's some other great people

there. So, Kim, what would be the last words that we you would give

us? It's we live

one life, Take off your mask and be your true

self. That's great. So I'm

gonna say something that she said that changes can be simple, but

it's not always easy. It requires courage,

resilience, and a willingness to step out of your comfort zone.

So I hope you will join me for another episode of the One Small Change

as we embark on this on this, you know, this journey of

innovative possibilities. Until the next time,

I will see you, and I wanna make sure you stay curious. Kim,

thank you so much for giving us this great insight and this

great gift. Thank you so much, Yvonne, for having me.