If you’ve ever tried to be more mindful and present, but it sometimes feels like it’s not quite working like it should, this is the episode you NEED! Because today, we’re talking all about how to practice mindfulness in a way that truly helps you create space, calm and find stress relief even when life feels chaotic.
For so many women, mindfulness has become another form of self control - a way to stop overthinking, manage emotions or prevent habits like emotional eating. We think that eating mindfully or slowing down will “fix” us.
But real mindfulness isn’t about control or perfection, and in this episode, I’ll share how to use mindfulness as a tool for living more intentionally not as another way to manage or suppress yourself.
You’ll learn:
If you’re ready to find more calm, more awareness, and more freedom from the constant mental noise, this one’s for you. Tune in and discover how to stop trying to “do mindfulness right” — and instead experience what it really means to live mindfully.
RESOURCES:
Secret (& Free) Limited Podcast: Confident As F**k (Even When You’re Not There Yet)
Work with me: www.lifeeditcoaching.com
Instagram: @lifeeditwithalix
Mindfulness has quite rightly become a really popular tool over recent years for us to deal with everything from stress and overwhelm to helping us to manage things like emotional eating. But while it feels like a state of mindfulness should be something relatively easy to get to grips with, the truth is it is often anything but.
And if you have found it difficult to slow down that overthinking brain of yours and to discover the true benefits of mindfulness, then you are not alone. The good news, though, you have not necessarily been doing anything wrong.
It might just be more about how you're approaching it and what you're expecting from it as well. And when you can start to shift the perspective on that, it also shifts what you gain from it.
So today we're going to be breaking down what mindfulness really is, because it's probably not quite what you think and how you can see it differently to get the true benefits.
Welcome to the Busy Woman's Guide to Wellbeing, the podcast for women who are done with the hustle and are ready to feel at home in their own skin.
I'm your host, host Alix - Life, therapeutic and fitness coach for busy women who want to do less, live more, and feel good from the inside out. Every week I'm going to help you to cut through the noise, challenge the shoulds, and find new ways to live and move that actually feel like you.
Hello there. Welcome back to the podcast this week, episode 225, if you can believe it. And this episode on mindfulness is not what I had originally planned.
However, this is something that has come up in a couple of recent coaching conversations that I've had. And so it's very fresh in my mind.
And I was really, really keen to tackle this and to talk about this, because I know that what was talked about in those conversations definitely were not isolated experiences. Now, mindfulness has, of course, become really, really popular over recent years.
It's a great way to cope with the pace of modern life, and it's a great way for us to really get a handle on our overthinking brains. And, you know, we use it to deal with stress, we use it to slow down our brains, to manage our responses to certain situations.
So if you feel like you have had, you know, very helpful, sorry, unhelpful, should I say, responses.
For example, there are certain things that always make you feel angry or you feel angry more often than you would like to, as an example, then this can be a way to slow yourself down a little bit to manage that response. To put a bit of space in between the thing that happens and the response that you have. And we also use it to do things like manage our food intake.
A lot of people will talk to me about how they are trying to be more mindful in their choices around food. They're trying to be more mindful about the way in which they approach food as well.
So in other words, we use it to help us feel like we are more in control over certain situations in our lives, to give ourselves a bit of space, to give ourselves a bit of ease. But something that sounds really simple often is not.
And particularly in a society that prizes things like self control, that puts a premium on constant achievement. The truth is that slowing down enough to really benefit from mindfulness is often much, much easier said than done.
And this was where the conversations I had recently were interesting. Because the clients I spoke to had one thing in common. And like I say, this is not an unusual conversation for me to have.
Actually, I have it quite often. And it's that we see mindfulness as a way to clear our mind, to give ourselves back a sense of control.
And so what we do is we try something like meditation, but we find that we can't stop the thoughts from spiraling still. You know, we think, well, I should be clearing my mind here. I should be slowing everything down. But the thoughts are still happening.
So of course the result is that we start thinking we're rubbish at it and there's no point in doing it anymore because it is not having the desired result.
Or we continue to try, but we just go through the motions of it all the time, and we feel like we're not really gaining a lot from it, but we also feel like we should be doing it because everybody says what an amazing thing it is, and yet it doesn't seem to quite work for us. So one of those two things happens, because like I say, we expect it to slow the mind down.
We expect it to be easier than we think it's going to be, and we expect to gain certain things from it very quickly.
And when that doesn't happen, we either are disillusioned with it and we stop, or we feel like we're going through the motions and not getting the result out of it that we want to. And I know that this is such a common experience. Mindfulness can feel so much harder than it needs to be.
And the reason is because of the expectation that we have of it.
Because, like I said in my intro, it's not necessarily that you're doing meditation wrong it's just what you're expecting from it is not quite what it's going to be delivering for you. And when you change up those expectations and you realign those expectations, you get so much more out of it.
And what I'm going to share with you, to start off with today is what I told them. And it's this.
We have tried to turn mindfulness into another way to fix ourselves, to keep ourselves under control, to quieten the noise, to stop ourselves from feeling uncomfortable, in uncomfortable situations, in uncomfortable thoughts. So it's become a yet another method to fix ourselves. But true mindfulness is actually about self connection.
It's not about tuning out the noise, it's not about stopping the thoughts, but it's actually about creating the space to listen to what's going on differently. Putting some space between your thoughts and your reactions to those thoughts. That's what it is really all about.
It's about getting to know yourself better. It's not about turning away. And I think this is the thing.
We get so overwhelmed with the thoughts that we're having, the emotions that we're having as a result of that. And so we want mindfulness to help us to turn away from it. We want mindfulness to help all of that to go away.
But the truth is true mindfulness is about allowing all of those things to be, and allowing all of those things to exist, but allowing ourselves to also deal with them, to sit with them, to be with them, and to listen to them in a different way, to listen to them in a way that allows us a little bit of curiosity. Now, of course, once you've practiced that for a while, you're going to find it easier and easier and easier to quieten the mind, to find more space.
You know, that is definitely something that comes with practice. But most of us never get to that bit because we're too busy worrying about, why am I still overthinking this? Why hasn't it fixed me yet?
Why have those urges that I thought were going to go away? Why have they not gone away? Why is it that I've just decided to do mindful eating and it's not working for me? And that's the thing.
We never, we never allow ourselves to get beyond that. We never allow ourselves to get to the place where we can quieten things down a little bit, because we expect it to do that for us straight away.
But we're not going to, or that's not going to happen until we've allowed ourselves to really connect with ourselves, to really get to know ourselves better, to really create the space to listen to what's actually going on for us. So it's not about us taking the wrong steps. It's about what we're expecting from it.
So what I really want to do today is talk about what mindfulness really is, because once we lean into that, it transforms the results that we get from it.
And, you know, these are the conversations that I have been having with these coaching clients of mine is saying, no, this is not about quietening the mind. This is about learning to sit with this stuff. Because it's only when you sit with it that you can deal with it.
You know, one of my mentors once said something along the lines of, you can't go around it. You're going to have to go through it. It's the only way. You can't ignore it. You can't try and mindfulness your way out of it.
You're going to have to deal with that. You're gonna have to learn to sit with it. That's when real change, real transformation actually happens.
And that's why it is such an important part of what I do with my clients is really teaching them what mindfulness really is, what it really means for them, and how it can actually transform their lives and the way that they think about things. So what is mindfulness? It is something that is about helping us to observe.
It's not about controlling our thoughts, it's not about controlling our urges.
It's not about saying, well, if I'm mindful about what I'm eating, then the next time I stand in front of the fridge, I'm going to make a sensible, mindful choice. That's not it. It's about observing what's going on.
It's about standing in front of that fridge and saying to yourself, well, what I'm really craving right now is that bar of chocolate that I see. But what I'm thinking is that I should be having such and such.
I should be having the, you know, the healthy choice, the healthy salad or whatever that thing is. It's observing that situation. It's observing that thought. It's observing that feeling.
It's observing the frustration that you're having, because on the one hand you want the chocolate, on the other hand you're telling yourself that you should be eating the salad. It's just observing what is going on for you, being curious about what is going on for you in those situations.
Because then from there, what we can do is we can create a gap. We can create a gap between stimulus and response. And that, for many of us, is the problem. There is no gap there.
The thing happens, the response happens automatically. We're not thinking about it. We're often living on autopilot. And this is one of the most important things that I do with my coaching clients.
It's why people often comment that working with me feels completely different to anything they've done before. Because we're not just creating another set of rules. We're not creating another or trying to create another set of responses.
What we're really doing is we're creating space between the thought and the action, or the thought and then the feeling and then the action. Because that's usually it, isn't it? We have the thought, the thought creates the feeling, the feeling creates the action.
And we're on autopilot with that. You know, I get pissed off at work, so I drink wine in the evening. I have a busy day, so I make the excuse not to go to the gym.
I eat something I wasn't supposed to on my diet, so I throw the towel in and eat everything in sight. We have these automatic responses which are set up, and the reason they become automatic is because we don't allow that space.
And that's what mindfulness does. So instead of us just assuming, well, this is just part of who I am. It's recognising. No, these are learned behaviours.
These are behaviours that I have created in my life to help me to deal with this situation, to try and make me feel better in this situation. But what we do with mindfulness is we create the space to observe what's really going on.
So that rather than we just move straight into the automatic response, the automatic habits, we can eventually start to make different choices from a different place.
But again, I really want to caution, just because you suddenly decide to be mindful about something doesn't mean that you're suddenly going to change everything that you do. This is a practice. This takes a little bit of time. You're going to get it wrong sometimes.
You're still going to go for the automatic response sometimes.
But the more that you create the space for curiosity, the more that you create the space to observe, the more you create the space to be able to almost look from the outside in and to see what's really happening. What was the thought that happened there, what was the feeling that that then triggered, and what was the action that came after it.
The stuff that normally just. I just allow to happen to me every single day, but that I get to change if I choose to. Doesn't mean it's easy.
But if you can't create that space, you're gonna find it extremely difficult to make those changes. So, yeah, like I say, mindfulness is creating the space to observe so that we don't always just go straight to the automatic response.
And then once you start to create space, it allows you to stop believing every thought and every feeling that you're having. You know, you get to look at it as if you're an outside observer. You get to realise you are not your thoughts.
But neither do you have to get rid of your thoughts. You can look at them dispassionately. You can look at that thought and go, oh, that's interesting.
It's interesting that that situation made me think that or made me feel that. The more that you do that, the more opportunity you have to actually do something about it, to actually change that ultimate response.
And sometimes it's because you look at that thought, you give your. What am I trying to say here? Instead of it happening, the thought happening subconsciously, you bring it out into the light.
And when you bring it out into the light, you can tackle it, you can look at it, and you can often go, oh, that's a ridiculous thing to think. Why would I ever think that? And so you are employing mindfulness to look at that thought, to look at the feeling that has created.
And you start to understand, okay, I am not my thoughts after all. I always thought that that was just me, that that was just the way that I operated. But it turns out they're just thoughts that I've created.
They're just feelings that I've created over time that have become ingrained into me as habits.
And now I've created enough space around that to recognise it, to question it, to deal with it, to work through it, to do whatever you need to do with. Might be slightly different things for different thoughts, for different emotions, for different actions that you're taking right now.
But essentially, you bring it into the light, and that's all it is.
Rather than keeping it hidden, rather than trying to quieten your mind so that you don't feel uncomfortable feelings anymore, it's going, okay, this is an uncomfortable feeling. I wonder what that is. I wonder why I'm having that. And then you start. You can clear them, can start to look at them for what they really are.
You can start to say, well, that's ridiculous, or that's not true, or, I don't have to think that anymore. I choose to think something different. And the more that you do that, the more of a habit it becomes. Again, it's a practice.
You know, mindfulness is just that, it's a practice. It's not something you just do. It's a way that you live your life. And so we get choice.
And when we employ mindfulness in this way, we create choice for ourselves. We get to choose whether we believe the thought, whether we give it power, or whether we don't. And it takes practice, but it can be done.
I personally am proof of that. You know, with running my business, I always used to have these, these feelings around my self worth. I can't do that. I can't charge that.
Nobody will buy that. Nobody wants this. I used to have those feelings all the time.
And the more that I've brought them into the light, the more I've gone, well, that's just ridiculous. Why would I keep telling myself that over and over again? It's not doing me any good.
And those things, they still surface sometimes, but I can deal with them quickly now. I can just bring them straight out and go, no, ridiculous, stop it. And I can move on and I can have a different thought.
And it has created so much more space in my life. It has made me so much more relaxed about what I do. It's helped me to enjoy what I do so much more.
Because I'm not consumed by all of the negative stuff, all of the negative thoughts that are going on that before I was trying to sweep under the carpet, ignore, pretend they weren't happening, now I can actually deal with them. So if you want proof that it works, I am proof. I am proof that it works. My clients are proof that it works.
Because like I say, this is almost central to what we do is creating that space. So once we have done all that, we can start to look at stuff with curiosity instead of judgment. We get to create choice.
And it's not about stopping emotional eating. It's not about stopping anxiety. It's not about stopping frustration. It's about being able to meet those sensations without turning away from them.
You know, we want mindfulness to bury that. We want it to help us to get into a state beyond those thoughts and feelings where we're going to feel completely Zen and completely calm.
But if we keep trying to neutralise it or ignore it, then we're letting those things still be in control. We're basically admitting that that thought, that feeling, that reaction still has control over me.
And believe me, nothing productive ever comes out of ignoring a situation. It comes out of being able to look at it and deal with it, even when it sometimes feels uncomfortable.
And like I say, the more you do it, the better you get at it.
And after a while, you'll find you can let some of these things go because you've faced up to them, you've looked at them, you've been curious about them, and ultimately you've taken away their power. And that's really what we're doing here. We're taking away their power.
We're giving ourselves the opportunity to look at that stuff, and then we're sending it away. We're saying, you're not helpful to me anymore. I don't need you anymore, and we take the power back.
Now, before we move into a couple of practical steps to finish, if this is really resonating with you and you want to look at how you can rewire how you respond, particularly around food and exercise and body image, then this is exactly what we do.
Inside The Body You'll Love Living In, we'll get mindfulness to actually work for you so you can regain your sense of control and you can have that more simple, easy, balanced approach in life that you would love to have. So just head to LifeEditCoaching.com to take a look and get your first session booked in. And I'll pop the link in the show notes as well.
So I would love you to think about an area in your life where you are maybe experiencing a recurring pattern that you would like to change. So maybe it's snacking in the evening, maybe it's perfectionism, which you know is not helping you.
Maybe it's overthinking that's then causing you to feel overwhelmed a lot. So have a think about an area in your life where you're experiencing that and you'd like to change it.
And then whenever you find yourself slipping into this pattern, I want you to think about, first of all, just noticing. Create a bit of space between the urge and the action.
So, for example, if you find yourself opening up the fridge again, looking for something to eat, you take a pause, you ask yourself, what's going on for me right now? What's the need I'm trying to fulfill? What is this trying to tell me? And again, it's not about using mindfulness to stop you in this moment.
It's just about noticing. Maybe you still go for the snack, but you do it again and again and again, and eventually you start to find that that urge reduces.
It doesn't feel quite so automatic because you've paused for long enough to realise that it was not the food that you needed on that occasion, it wasn't the food that you actually wanted on that occasion. And so you've started to reconnect with your body. You've started to reconnect with what you really need. You've started to be truly mindful.
Not just using it as a way to control yourself, but you've become mindful because you have put the pause in, you've created the space, you've been curious about it. And over time, that starts to change. That outcome that used to happen starts to change.
And remember that every time you do that, it's mindfulness, you're already winning. The more you do it, the more you practice it, the better you get at it.
And it does take practice because it runs completely counter to the way that most of us have lived our lives for many years. So be patient with it, be patient with yourself. And remember, it's not about self control.
You know, it's not about saying, well, if I can be mindful, when I go to the fridge, it means I'll stop myself. Mindfulness cannot be that. It is not a way of controlling yourself.
But over time, you're going to find that you just are more in tune with your needs. You're more in tune with the thought, you're more in tune with the feeling.
You're able to bring it to the light, look at it, deal with it, send it away. If it's not serving you, make a different choice if that different choice is going to serve you better. So create space.
That is literally all that mindfulness is asking you to do. Create space to look at the thing. So stop trying to use it as a way to clear your mind.
Stop trying to use it as a way to get rid of uncomfortable feelings. Stop trying to use it as a way to completely stop thinking about anything and everything.
When you are being mindful, thoughts are going to come, thoughts are going to happen. You're going to keep overthinking, you're going to keep having these thoughts that seem to keep spiraling and spiraling and spiraling.
But the more you practise it, the easier that gets. The more you practice it, the more it slows down.
The more you practise it, the more you realise that it's about bringing things into the light, sitting with them, dealing with them. It's the only way you can do it.
So remember, the next time you find yourself in the middle of that noise, the cravings, the frustration, the overthinking pause. Create space. Observe. The more you do it, the better you get. So I hope that's been helpful.
And like I say, the thing about mindfulness is that it's not about doing it differently necessarily. It's about thinking about what you are expecting from it.
And once you change that, and once you lean into what it is truly there for, then you start to get different results out of it. Don't try and force it, because mindfulness cannot be forced. Just be with it.
Allow it to be something that you practice, allow it to be something that you start to get really good at, allow it to be something which takes a little bit of time, but knowing that, yes, it's going to take maybe a little bit of time, but every day, every week, every month, you're going to see that improvement. You're going to see that change, you're going to get better at it.
You're going to start to notice that things in your life are changing because you are being truly mindful rather than trying to force the mind. And yes, it's a process, but it's a process that will serve you for the rest of your life if you allow it to. So I'm gonna leave that with you.
Just, just do it with one thing for now. Don't try and do it with everything.
Choose one thing that is really, maybe feeling a bit frustrating at the moment, which is a pattern that you would really like to change at the moment. And start there. That is your first step. That is where you get to practice it.
And then once you start to do it with that, you can do it with another and another and another. And you can start to like, really. What's the word? You can start to really stack. You can really stack the benefits of that mindfulness in your life, in all areas of your life as well. So let me know how you get on with that.
I'd love to hear. As always, you can contact me on my social @lifeeditwithalix. So do let me know on there.
I'd love to hear from you. And for now, I'm gonna love you and leave you. And I'll see you back here again next time. Thank you as always, for joining me.
If this episode has hit home, share it with another woman who needs to hear it and come connect with me on Instagram at Life Edit with Alix for more real talk, mindset shifts and daily inspiration.