Unraveling the Mother Wound: Removing Your Inner Critic [Ep. 9]

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If you want to change your inner

critic to your inner cheerleader,

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you're going to have to define or

determine which voices are your own

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and which voices are your mom's.

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And then from there, you're going to

have to replace the critical voices

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with cheerleader voices or phrases.

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You are listening to the Reconnection

Rescue Podcast for mothers and daughters

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with your host, Brittany Scott.

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A podcast where we process all things

mother daughter relationships and

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the direct effect it has on the

relationships we hold as adults.

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Welcome back to the podcast.

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It's your host, Brittney today's

episode is about your inner critic.

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And if the voice is really

yours or if, maybe it's your

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mother's and what to do about it.

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So in my perspective, the mother wound.

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Happens when there is a lack of

emotional support flowing from

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the mother to the daughter.

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It's a relationship between

a mother and a daughter where

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emotional support was absent.

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So basically the daughter needed.

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Emotional support.

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Nurturing.

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Caring for.

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I can keep creating a list.

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From her mother that she didn't receive.

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And that left a gap for

their daughter to fill.

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And one of the biggest issues with this.

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Is that children don't know how to fill

in that gap without blaming themselves.

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They don't know how to fill in that

gap without figuring out what's

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wrong with them and what they need

to do differently in order to get the

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needs that they're seeking to be met.

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This is one way that the inner critic.

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That you now have as an adult.

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May not really be your voice.

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It was the voice of the little girl you

that was creating scenarios in her head.

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Of all the reasons why she didn't

have her mother's love and emotional

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support that she was seeking out.

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Maybe your mom wasn't just emotionally

unsupportive or emotionally absent.

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Or immature, maybe your mom was

emotionally abusive to you as a child.

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And she was very critical of.

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Your performance.

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Your appearance, your

clothing, your friends.

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How you talked, maybe she criticized

everything that you did that maybe you.

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And slowly you shrunk yourself, you made

yourself smaller, you hit away parts

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of you and then add it in her voice.

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Two.

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Explain why you were

making those decisions.

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And explain.

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Why you couldn't be the

person that you want it to be.

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And so your inner critic

comes because she criticized.

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You out of you.

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So there are a few inner

critic phrases that are common.

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But of course yours.

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Can be unique to you.

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So I'm just going to tell you a few

common ones and if you relate great.

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If not yours, maybe a lot

more specific than this.

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But any version of Schultz.

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Or need to do or have to do.

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Like I should be this way.

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I should be doing this.

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I should be going here.

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Some phrase in that form.

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Any version of not being enough.

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It's usually not your own voice.

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I don't know enough.

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I don't have enough.

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I'm not good enough.

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Any kind of comparison to

someone else or to maybe someone

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more experienced than you.

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This could sound like why

should they listen to me?

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Why would anyone listen to me anyway?

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I'm not as smart as them.

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I don't, I didn't go to school like

them, something along those lines.

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Another one would be.

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Global statements are all

or nothing statements.

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Using always and nevers

to describe yourself.

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Like you, you're never going

to reach your career goals.

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You're never going to get

that, whatever that is.

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You're always going to be.

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Blank, fill in the blank.

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Another version of an inner

critic that may not be yours.

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Would be statements that.

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Keep you from actually

doing what you want to do.

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So thinking.

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That probably won't work out.

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I might as well just continue doing

what I'm doing anyway, because

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this is what I'm supposed to do.

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Or there's no need to

even go after that goal.

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Even though it's in my mind, it

doesn't matter that I'll never be mine.

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I'm not good enough to have that.

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They'd probably think

this idea was stupid.

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Anyway.

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I better just stay quiet.

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So anything that shrinks

you down or keeps you small?

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And the last inner critic that comes

to mind for me, that may not be yours.

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It's something that has

to do with your body.

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That points out the size of your

body, that points out the food

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that you eat, that points out.

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How you feel in your body?

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I shouldn't eat this because of this.

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I'm not supposed to look this way.

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I'm not supposed to wear these clothes.

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I'm not supposed to be this weight.

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Getting down on yourself for your

body and your physical appearance.

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That's probably an inner critic

that doesn't belong to you,

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but belongs more to your mom.

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If you want to change

your inner critic to.

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Your inner cheerleader.

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You're going to have to define or

determine which voices are your

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own and which voices are your moms.

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And then from there.

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You're going to have to

replace the critical voices.

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With cheerleader, voices or phrases.

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Okay.

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So I have an exercise for you.

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The first thing that I want you to do.

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Is, I want you to write out.

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The phrases that come to mind.

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For you that are very critical.

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What are ways that you criticize

yourself inside your own mind,

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whether you just think these thoughts

or whether you say them out loud.

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Whether you act on them.

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Or you don't, you just hear him in

your mind and then sorta move on.

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I want you to write down

every critical phrase.

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That comes to mind that you've

ever thought or set to yourself.

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Once you have this list, complete it.

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I want you to determine from this list.

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Do you believe these

thoughts about yourself?

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Or do you believe your mom

has these thoughts about you?

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I want you to determine if this

is truly a thought you have and

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something that you need to work on.

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Or have you internalized a phrase or.

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A thought that.

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Belongs to your mother.

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Once you have the two lists separated out.

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So your mother's thoughts versus your own.

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We are going to.

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Create an affirmation

for your mom's thoughts.

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So I have one you can create your own.

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The one that comes to mind for me is.

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My life is my own and it

doesn't belong to you anymore.

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And so you have to get

rid of her thoughts.

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By no longer believe in them by taking,

take away her power over your life.

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Because your life is yours.

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You get to live it the way that you want.

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You get to make the

decisions that you want.

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And you also get to make the mistakes

that you need to make to learn from.

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So her being heavily critical of you.

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It's not yours to carry anymore.

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Your life is your own, and it

doesn't belong to her any more.

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If that doesn't resonate or

relate for you then great.

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Your own affirmation.

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But basically when her thoughts come

up, the thoughts that, belong to her.

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I want you to have something to

say to yourself in that time.

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That is going to help you

to keep moving forward.

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So let's say you're trying to make

a decision about a career and maybe

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you want to make a career move.

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And in the back of your mind is her

thought of you don't deserve that.

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You're not good enough for that.

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You need to stay where you

are, because you're only good

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enough to reach this level.

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Your life is your own.

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It doesn't belong to her anymore.

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You can make this decision

because you're safe to make it.

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You're smart enough to make it.

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And because you deserve the decision

or the next step, like wherever you're

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trying to get to you deserve it.

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Your life is your own it no longer hers.

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And you get to make decisions

that you want to make.

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No.

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For the critical inner voice

that belongs to you, that

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you've developed along the way.

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And you've given yourself.

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I want you to turn those critical

thoughts into cheerleader thoughts.

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How can you flip the statements?

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How can you make them work for you?

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And help to heal the little

girl inside of you, helped you

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to feel good about yourself.

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What's going to help you too.

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Move past these critical thoughts to cheer

yourself on and times where you feel.

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Afraid where you feel.

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Not prepared.

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Yeah.

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How do you flip those phrases?

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This is something I would

work on individually with.

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My clients.

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So if they're struggling

with an inner critic that.

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It's either there's that they

developed along the way, or we're

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taught how to create by their mom.

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Versus the inner critic, voices that

belong to their mom and not to them.

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We would do this strategy together.

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And then once they had their own

identified that, these are thoughts

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I've developed along the way, that

aren't necessarily my mom's, but maybe

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grew out of what my mom taught me.

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I would help them to rephrase those.

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I would help them to turn those phrases

around from critical to cheerleader.

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And that way they have

something to dispel this critic.

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So when the.

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Automatic thought pops up in their

mind when that critic voice comes up,

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especially in times where they're not,

they're really trying to avoid it.

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Having the cheerleader phrase to make

the critic phrase, not real, or to

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dispel it or to get out of their head.

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We want to replace that

with the trailer to phrase.

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So that's something that I

would do together with you.

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If you were a client.

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And help you to create.

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New phrases that cheer you

on and move you forward.

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Out of the ugly critical phrases that

make you freeze or slow you down.

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Or make you shrink yourself smaller.

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Self-compassion and

self-acceptance can be.

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Really hard to obtain when

you're so used to hearing.

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Criticism about who you are

or decisions that you make.

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It's really hard to stand.

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Confident.

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In who you want to be or

who you're trying to be.

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When.

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No one around you is supporting you.

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Or not only are they not supporting you,

but they're actively tearing you down.

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Like maybe your mother.

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Some of these exercises are

not easy to do because you.

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You're sitting in the middle of it.

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You are in these feelings, the

inner critic, you're used to that.

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Coming up with a cheerleader phrase

can be quite difficult, which is

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where therapy and coaching comes in,

where working with me individually.

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Can really push you further

because you not only get your own

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thoughts and your own perspective,

but then you also get mine.

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One tip that can sometimes

be easy to do on your own.

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Is when you're trying to create

a more nurturing inner voice

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or a cheerleader inner voice.

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I want you to think

about that little girl.

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I don't want you to think about you today.

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I think about.

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The little girl that was begging

for her mom's attention that was

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seeking her mom's support and

throwing out bids for connection.

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I want you to think about her.

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And I want you to change your inner voice.

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To what she needs to hear.

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Okay.

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You are now in a position to

do what your mom didn't do.

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You are now in a position

to talk to your inner child.

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In a way that your mom never did.

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You were now in a position

to take care of you.

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And so if you struggle to take care

of the adult, you, I want you to

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think about taking care of the child.

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You.

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Because she's still in there

and she's still hurting.

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And.

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You've got to be the one to.

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To protect her and to

bring her out of this pain.

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If you truly have an

inner critic voice and.

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You're always down on

yourself or shaming yourself.

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Or struggling to just believe in yourself.

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I don't want you to listen to

this episode and just move on.

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I want you to pull out your journal.

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Right out the critical thoughts

that you have of yourself.

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Right out the thoughts or

the voices in your head.

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That tell you, you can't do it

or tell you're not good enough.

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Or tell you what you should be doing

when you have a desire to do something

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different, write them down, get them out

of your head and get them on a paper.

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I want you to give your brain a new

way of processing these thoughts

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that aren't just inside of your head.

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You deserve to give yourself.

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Sometime.

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Even five to 10 minutes to get those

thoughts out of your head and onto paper.

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Because that's going to change

the way that you process them,

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and that's going to help you to do

the exercises that I talked about.

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In this episode, like I want you to

separate your voice from your moms.

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I want you to nurture your inner child.

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I want you to think

about that little girl.

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Because she needs you to

she's asking for you to.

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So don't listen to this and just move on.

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Take the time to actually

do the exercises.

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I'd like to know what you get or what.

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What comes up.

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If you relate to any of this, or

you actually do the exercises,

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I'd love for you to email me.

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Let me know.

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What came of it?

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Did you learn anything new?

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Did it help you to move forward?

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Did you create an affirmation

or A new cheerleader voice.

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I'd love to know.

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You've reached the end of another episode.

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Thank you for listening

all the way through.

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Remember the journey

of mother wound healing.

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And it's personal and

transformative and painful.

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Sometimes keep exploring, keep learning

about yourself and your inner child.

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Remember that you have the power

to heal so until next time,

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stay curious about your story.

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Keep growing in your healing and

I'll catch you in the next one.

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