Many of us have trouble asking for exactly what we want. But in today’s Emotional Push-Up, Dr. Emily is joined by author Melanie Ho to talk about taking the risk anyway and making the ask, because people aren’t mind readers and they can’t help you get what you want if they don’t know what that is. Tune in now for a helpful discussion on how to determine what you want and how to go about asking for it.

Thank you for listening! Staying emotionally fit takes work and repetition. That's why the Emotionally Fit podcast with psychologist Dr. Emily Anhalt delivers short, actionable Emotional Push-Ups every Tuesday and Thursday to help you build a better practice of mental health. Join us to kickstart your emotional fitness. Let's flex those feels and do some reps together!

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The Emotionally Fit podcast is produced by Coa, your gym for mental health. Katie Sunku Wood is the show’s producer from StudioPod Media with additional editing and sound design by nodalab, and featuring music by Milano. Special thanks to the entire Coa crew!

Dr. Emily:

Ready to break an emotional sweat? Welcome to Emotionally Fit with me, Dr. Emily Anhalt. As a therapist, I know that staying mentally healthy takes work and repetition. That's why I'll share Emotional Push-Ups, short, actionable exercises to help you strengthen your mental fitness. From improving your friendships to managing stress, let's flex those feels and do some reps together!

Hey there Fit Fans!

I am so excited to be here today with Melanie Ho, author, visual storyteller, and speaker. Melanie, thank you so much for joining me for this pushup.

Melanie:

Oh, I'm so excited to be here.

Dr. Emily:

I'm so glad to have you. And I'm curious, Melanie, how good are you in general at asking for what you want?

Melanie:

Probably really bad.

Dr. Emily:

Okay. Well, I guess that works out because that's what our pushup is going to be about today. I've always had the philosophy that it never hurts to ask for what you want, and that the worst that can happen is that someone says no. And as long as we're gracious and respectful of a person's no, it's generally okay that we made the ask. I often see people wishing that their loved ones would be mind readers and intuit their needs. I think sometimes it can feel like if we ask for what we want and then get it, that it somehow doesn't count.

In reality, though, no one can read our minds. And to have our needs met, we have to figure out what those needs are and communicate them. And this approach has served me pretty well in life. I don't think I've ever once regretted shooting my shot. And rejection is tough, don't get me wrong. But we tend to think that we won't be able to handle rejection when actually we can handle it and we do handle it. So Melanie, I'm curious, what do you think about this idea that it never hurts to ask and that we can handle it if someone says no to our request?

Melanie:

I love that. I get it intellectually. I think I have a hard time putting that into practice.

Dr. Emily:

Completely. It makes so much sense, and I think probably has a lot to do with each of our individual way of seeing the world. Some of us were encouraged to ask for what we want, others of us weren't. Some of us were met with hostility or rejection that didn't feel like we could handle it, or praise, or all kinds of things that are going to inform how comfortable we feel about asking directly for what we want.

But today we're going to practice this for our pushup. So step one of this pushup, Melanie, is to think of one thing that you've been hoping someone would just know that you need, something that you'd like to ask for. Could be from a friend, a colleague, a partner. This can be a small thing like wanting help doing a chore. It could be a bigger thing, like wishing a friend would ask you more questions and listen more presently. Our sex lives is a big place this plays out. We are often hesitant to ask directly for what we want there. Really, there's no ask that's too big or too small for this pushup. So for those listening in, press pause while you think about what your example might be or keep listening to hear what Melanie shares.

So Melanie, what came to mind for you for this pushup?

Melanie:

So I think I have a really hard time asking for people to just listen instead of problem solving. I find that often, whether it's family, friends, really anybody, and they might ask me something like, "How are you doing? Or how are things going with your new business or your writing or whatnot?" And I think often the answer is like, "Oh, things are actually hard just in life with lots of things." But my feeling is always like I know that if I say something that isn't, "Everything is hunky dory" I'll be met with people trying to problem solve and that that's actually not what I need. I can problem solve and make pros and cons lists and make all kinds of plans, and I actually don't need help with that. And so I hesitate to give honest answers when I am struggling or just when things aren't perfect because I'm afraid that people will just jump in with trying to help and then I'll feel bad when that's not what I want or need.

Dr. Emily:

That is such a great example because I hear this all the time that it's so complicated how to indicate that what we want is just to be listened to or sometimes what we want is problem solving. So it sounds like your example for this is it can sometimes be uncomfortable or hard to ask for someone just to listen. Is that a good summary? Well that's such a great example. So thank you for that.

So step two of this pushup then, Melanie, is to reflect on why you hesitate to make this ask, why you haven't made this ask yet. So when you think about saying, "Hey, I'd love to tell you about how I'm doing, but actually if you'd be up for it, would you be down to just listen versus problem solving?" So when you think about asking for that, what might you be worried about? Are you worried that just asking would be an issue? Are you worried about getting turned down? Are you worried about what it might make people think? Or might you even be worried about getting a yes? Sometimes part of us wants something and another part of us is scared to have it, so we avoid asking for it altogether. So Melanie, when you think of your example, why do you think you might not have gotten more comfortable just asking directly when people ask you how you're doing for them to listen?

Melanie:

I think it probably has something to do with my own discomfort at being in that negative space, in that space where actually things might be uncomfortable, or might not be perfect right away. And admitting that all I want is to be listened to is kind of admitting that I actually sometimes just need to sit in a space of discomfort and of not having everything solved immediately.

Dr. Emily:

Oh, I love that reflection so much because in a way, I think what you're saying is part of you is worried that they will say yes and just listen. And then you have to step into this tough space of feeling your discomfort and your pain and having someone be really present with you. And it sounds like part of you really wants that, and part of you is kind of scared to get it, which makes so much sense. And I think that is a lot of why sometimes people don't ask for what they want. So I really appreciate that.

To that end though, step three of this pushup is to think about what might be possible if we do make the ask, what could happen? What are the upsides? What could go right? What space does this create for you? So for those listening in, think about that for your own example. Melanie, what about for you? What could go right if you were to make this ask?

Melanie:

Probably just feeling more seen and feeling more authentic. I feel like often if somebody says, "How are you?" And the default answer is, "I'm fine. Things are great." Even when they're not. That doesn't feel good either. That feels like I'm being really inauthentic, like I'm not being myself.

Dr. Emily:

That's a great point. And so there's sort of this equation that we make in our minds of, okay, so I want to be listened to, but if I am listened to, that'll be uncomfortable, so I just won't ask for it. But we forget that on the other side of the equation is the not so great feelings of not being listened to. So I love that.

So then the final step of this pushup for those who feel ready is to try making the ask. Why not? Give it a try. Be prepared to get a no or for not to go exactly the way you want, but be open to the fact that you might very well get a yes, and that it could feel really great, it could open space for you. So Melanie, I'm curious, do you think making this ask is something you'd be comfortable doing the next time someone asks you how you are?

Melanie:

I think that this conversation has made me think that even just preparing for that, whether the words, I'm going to say that aren't everything is amazing so that I know ... It's almost like not necessarily practicing it in this very rehearsed way, but feeling like I know what vocabulary to use.

Dr. Emily:

Oh, for sure. I'm such a big fan of that. What do you think language might be? I mean, maybe we can just brainstorm together about how you can make that ask in a way that would set you up to feel like you could then step into that space.

Melanie:

I think it's probably starting with, and I'm just thinking out loud here, but starting with if someone says, "How are you?" And assuming it's not literally someone in an elevator, but a friend maybe at dinner or something that some things are great, some things aren't as great. And perhaps just making the ask and saying, "Actually I'd love to be able to talk about some of the things that aren't that great, and right now I don't necessarily need problem solving. But actually would just love someone to listen."

Dr. Emily:

Yeah, I mean, think about if you were on the other side of that, if you asked a friend who you cared about how they're doing and they said, "Things are actually kind of tough. I'd love to tell you about it, but I'm not really in need of problem solving, just kind of someone to listen. You up for that?" How would you feel being asked that?

Melanie:

I mean, I think I'd feel really, first of all, flattered that they want to be able to talk and that they see me as someone who can hold that space for them. But actually there might also be some relief like, "Oh, I don't have to solve a problem."

Dr. Emily:

Yes, there is relief I think, in someone just telling us exactly what they need because then we can decide if we want to and are able to meet that need. And I think we spend a lot of time trying to figure out mental gymnastics, what do people need from us? So when someone just says, "Here's what I need from you. Are you up for it?" It is a relief. I think that's a great word to use for that. I hear this all the time, people saying, because really the message usually comes from the other side. It's usually we tell people, when someone comes to you with a problem, you should ask, "Do you want me to listen or do you want me to problem solve?"

Melanie:

Right. Yeah. That's the better way to do it, I think. It's better if the person asks you that.

Dr. Emily:

I guess it's better. But in a way, the point of this pushup is the idea that we don't always know what the other person needs from us. And so what we each do have control over is voicing our own needs. And so this is a way, instead of being like, "Oh, I wish someone would ask me whether I want to be listened to or problem solve." It's way of saying, "Here's what I'd like from you. Do you have the right mindset for that?" So fantastic. I love it. Melanie, I'm curious, how did it feel to do this pushup today?

Melanie:

It was really great. It was actually probably exactly what I needed right now. So super good timing.

Dr. Emily:

I'm so glad. Well, that's fantastic and I would love to hear how this ends up going. And I have so enjoyed flexing feels together and breaking an emotional sweat. I think that your example's going to resonate with a lot of people and hope you'll circle back and let me know how it goes.

Melanie:

Oh yeah, thanks so much. I definitely will do that.

Dr. Emily:

Thanks for being here.

Melanie:

Thank you.

Dr. Emily:

Thanks for listening to Emotionally Fit hosted by me, Dr. Emily Anhalt. New Push-Ups drop every Tuesday and Thursday. Did you do today's Push-Up alongside me and my guest? Tweet your experience with the hashtag #EmotionallyFit and follow me at @DrEmilyAnhalt. Please rate, review, follow and share the show wherever you listen to podcasts. This podcast is produced by Coa, your gym for mental health, where you can take live, therapist-led classes online. From group sessions to therapist matchmaking, Coa will help you build your emotional fitness routine. Head to joincoa.com, that's join-c-o-a.com, to learn more. And follow us on Twitter and Instagram at @joinCoa. From StudioPod Media in San Francisco, our producer is Katie Sunku Wood. Music is by Milano. Special thanks to the entire Coa crew!