In this episode, Tracy debunks three common myths about listening and shares four practical keys to becoming a better listener.

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True listening is an active process that involves understanding and empathizing with the speaker, not just hearing the words. It’s about fully engaging with the speaker’s emotions and perspective, which is essential for stronger relationships and better communication.

Research shows that women typically engage both hemispheres of the brain when listening, which allows them to pick up on emotional cues, while men tend to use one hemisphere, focusing more on the content. Recognizing these differences can improve communication and understanding between genders.

Listening isn’t passive or automatic. It’s an active skill that requires practice and attention. Myths like “good listeners are born” or “listening always requires solutions” can hinder effective communication. Listening to understand and validate feelings is often more important than offering advice or fixing problems.

Active listening means giving your full attention, free from distractions, and showing engagement through nonverbal cues like eye contact and nodding. Reflecting on what’s been said helps ensure understanding, and responding thoughtfully with empathy shows respect for the speaker’s perspective.

Facts about listening:

• Listening retention: People typically only remember about 50% of what they hear immediately after a conversation, and less than 25% after 48 hours
• One study finds that 45% of a person’s time awake is engaged in some kind of listening, which amounts to around 7.58 hours per day for US citizens.
• Each person hears between 20,000 – 30,000 words each day, which on average amounts to around 0.3 – 0.5 words per second during time awake.
• This totals 20 – 30 words per minute or 1,200 – 1,800 words per hour.
• In contrast, the average person speaks 16,000 words a day, between 4,000 – 14,000 words less than we hear.
• Listening to 30 minutes or more of nagging/complaining can negatively affect the brain’s problem-solving skills. 
• Research has shown that women engage both hemispheres of their brain when listening, whereas men typically rely on just one.

The Art of Listening: A Key to Stronger Relationships

In today's fast-paced world, where we're constantly bombarded with information and distractions, one thing is often overlooked: listening. Genuine listening is more than just hearing words; it's an active process that involves truly understanding, validating, and empathizing with someone else’s perspective. Whether you're talking to your partner, a friend, or a colleague, good listening can strengthen relationships, resolve conflicts, and foster deeper emotional connections. 

The Facts About Listening

How much time do we actually spend listening?

Studies show that people typically spend around 45% of their waking hours listening. That’s approximately 7.58 hours each day for a person in the U.S.! And when we break it down, each of us hears anywhere between 20,000 to 30,000 words daily. That’s about 1,200 to 1,800 words per hour, or a little over 20 words every minute. In comparison, the average person speaks only about 16,000 words a day—between 4,000 and 14,000 words less than we hear. 

But here’s what’s even crazier, despite the sheer volume of words we hear, retention rates are surprisingly low. People remember only about 50% of what they hear immediately after a conversation, and within 48 hours, this drops to less than 25%. This suggests that while we may be engaged in listening for hours every day, we’re not always absorbing or retaining much of what we hear. So, it’s worth our time to learn what it looks like to be a good listener. 

The Difference Between Hearing and Listening

Proverbs 18:2 A fool takes no pleasure in understanding, but only in expressing his opinion.

Listening is not the same as hearing. Hearing is a passive, physiological process—it's just the act of sound waves hitting our eardrums. Listening, however, is an active and intentional process that requires us to interpret, reflect, and respond. For example, a person might hear a partner’s complaint about a missed event, but true listening means engaging with their emotions and perspective. It’s not just about hearing words, but about understanding the meaning behind them.

In fact, research suggests that women tend to engage both hemispheres of their brains when listening, whereas men typically rely on just one hemisphere. (The left hemisphere of the brain is generally responsible for language processing, logic, analytical thinking, and mathematical abilities, while the right hemisphere is associated with creativity, spatial awareness, intuition, emotions, and artistic skills) This could explain why women may be more attuned to the emotional nuances of a conversation, while men might focus more on the content. Understanding these differences can help foster better communication in relationships by acknowledging the unique ways each person processes information.

Common myths

Myth #1- Every conversation needs to end with concrete solutions.

Nichols points out that when a partner shares something with us, they’re not always looking for advice or solutions. More often than not, they simply want to feel heard. For instance, if your partner is upset about missing an important event, rather than immediately offering solutions, try acknowledging their feelings first. You could say something like, "I understand why you're upset. It sounds like this was really important to you." This simple act of validation lets your partner know that their feelings are recognized, which can help defuse tension and foster emotional connection. 

Myth #2- Listening is a passive activity

Many people believe that listening is passive—that simply staying quiet while someone talks is enough. Or, choosing to listen means you agree with or are conceding fault. In reality, real listening is anything but passive—it’s a dynamic process that involves empathy and understanding. Active listening involves fully engaging with the speaker, reflecting on their words, and responding thoughtfully.It’s doing what we expect from others-listening to understand. 

Myth #3- Good listeners are born that way

Listening is a skill—one that can be developed and improved over time. Like any skill, it requires practice and intentionality. By making the decision to engage with your partner or loved one in a more empathetic, attentive way, you can become a better listener.

The Art of Real Listening: What Does it Look Like?

In his book The Art of Listening, Michael Nichols emphasizes that real listening is about actively validating and appreciating your partner’s feelings and perspectives. The temptation is strong to put our own perspective out there, forgetting that the other person in the conversation has thoughts to share as well. 

Practical Listening Skills

1. Listen to understand

Listening starts with a decision to be fully present. This means putting away distractions, such as your phone or computer, and giving your full attention to the person speaking. Avoid interrupting or immediately jumping into problem-solving mode. Instead, let the speaker express themselves fully before you respond. 

1. Provide Appropriate Nonverbal Communication

Listening isn’t just about words—it’s also about how we communicate nonverbally. Nodding, maintaining eye contact, and showing other signs of engagement can help convey that you’re fully focused and invested in the conversation. These cues not only encourage the speaker to continue but also help strengthen the connection between you and the speaker.

1. Clarify and Reflect

One effective technique for improving listening is to reflect on what you’ve heard by repeating or paraphrasing it back to the speaker. This ensures that you’ve accurately understood their point of view and helps clarify any potential misunderstandings. For example, you might say, "So, what you're saying is that you felt overlooked when I didn't make it to the event, right?"

1. Provide Your Input Thoughtfully

Once you've truly understood the other person’s perspective, share your thoughts—but do so with empathy and understanding. Your input should show that you’ve considered their feelings and that you're approaching the conversation from a place of respect.

In case you think this is just a psycho babble, the Bible has some important principles to apply to the topic of listening.

James 1:19 “My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry”

Hebrews 12:14 “Make every effort to live in peace with everyone and to be holy; without holiness no one will see the Lord.

Ultimately, real listening is about making a conscious choice to prioritize your partner’s feelings and experiences. It’s about being present, patient, and open-minded. By practicing active listening, you’ll not only become a better communicator but also foster a deeper, more supportive relationship with the people around you.