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[Introduction]
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Transcripts
Today I will talk about why men leak in sexual energy.
Speaker:When I use the word leaking, I'm referring to men who are in a committed relationship and are still looking for validation with other women outside of the relationship.
Speaker:Whether it is through texting other women on social media, still being in contact with their ex partner without saying so, or an emotional or even physical affair.
Speaker:I will also talk about the subtle ways leaking in sexual energy can show up that are often the stepping stone for an emotional and even physical affair.
Speaker:For men listening, you will learn how to release this, because it is not serving you.
Speaker:It is not serving you in creating the relationship you want to create.
Speaker:Trust is everything.
Speaker:And by releasing this, you start the journey of truly creating the trust and therefore the intimacy with the feminine that you desire.
Speaker:For women listening, you will learn where this behavior comes from, which is also very interesting for the men listening.
Speaker:And also what you can do when this is happening in your relationship.
Speaker:An important thing to note is that this leaking in sexual energy is not just a thing for men.
Speaker:Also, women do this all the time.
Speaker:It's not more men do this.
Speaker:Both men and women do this.
Speaker:But today's episode focuses on men, where it comes from, and the specific challenges that men experience and conditioning.
Speaker:Welcome to the Masculine and Feminine Dynamics podcast.
Speaker:My name is Loren Krenn.
Speaker:I am a coach, author and hypnotherapist.
Speaker:I help you to understand men and women better, and to create the relationship you want.
Speaker:Let's dive in.
Speaker:Where does this come from?
Speaker:The leaking in sexual energy in men?
Speaker:Number one, men receive no initiation into manhood, and therefore, because this initiation has never happened from boyhood into manhood, one of the ways men feel unconsciously this void, which is not our fault, this is what we've been conditioned into, no one taught us better.
Speaker:One of the ways we fill this void is through female validation.
Speaker:It doesn't even have to be sex or intimacy, but it often is.
Speaker:But it's specifically that, that sense of validation, that sense of being desired.
Speaker:It's almost like a drug for so many men in today's world.
Speaker:Because the father wasn't emotionally present.
Speaker:Our father was not a healthy masculine role model.
Speaker:There was a lot of pain.
Speaker:There was abandonment.
Speaker:There was a feeling of what does it mean to be a man?
Speaker:And all these fears and insecurities, no initiation, and that void, that insecurity is so often filled with.
Speaker:The feminine becoming the drug, the feminine, becoming the coping mechanism in order to feel better, in order to avoid these painful feelings of abandonment and deep insecurity about what it means to be a man in today's world.
Speaker:The lack of safety and security that almost all men experience through the generational trauma that we as men have all inherited.
Speaker:What we need to understand is that this started very early on for many men.
Speaker:And now for many years, perhaps chasing one woman after the other, or every time there is a difficult emotion, a man might reach out to a woman he knows.
Speaker:He might hook up with a woman.
Speaker:Or even if it's just that tiny bit of validation through texting, specifically in today's world, through texting that sense of, ah, I, I just need attention from a woman.
Speaker:Even the word attention from a woman in a sexual and intimate way.
Speaker:That is often the coping mechanism, and so many men unconsciously reach towards that or do that and, engage in this behavior, without knowing that the reason why they're doing it is because you are avoiding something really painful.
Speaker:Notice that this does not happen when you feel deeply in your power.
Speaker:This usually happens when you feel unworthy, when you feel very challenged, when you feel very insecure, when you feel unsafe.
Speaker:This is often the coping mechanism.
Speaker:When there is a lot of unresolved trauma, wounding and pain, there are always coping mechanisms that we have unconsciously trained ourselves in.
Speaker:Because it's, it's almost like the moment there is pain, boom, like the nervous system, the body automatically goes there without you even realizing.
Speaker:Because this has happened so many times, that there isn't even a conscious realization, oh wow, what's going on here?
Speaker:And what you, as, as a man listening, what you need to see here is that you have been unconsciously training yourself to fill that sense of void that the father left or the, or the insecurity and lack of safety you experience of what it means to be a man, or any other painful experiences,
Speaker:that you are trying to fill that void with female attention, specifically through sex, through intimacy or any kind of emotional, intimate way.
Speaker:And now this is the way, this is why you chase.
Speaker:This is why when you enter a committed relationship, first at the beginning, there's the honeymoon phase.
Speaker:Everything is new, everything is exciting.
Speaker:There is this deep sense of novelty.
Speaker:That is when you, most likely, some men will, but most men in that moment feel like, oh, there's no desire for that.
Speaker:But then as the relationship goes deeper, which is amazing, there's so much more depth that is coming, however, only if we also do the shadow work.
Speaker:Because of course, eventually after the honeymoon phase ends, eventually the shadow will arise.
Speaker:Tension, pain, unresolved, wounding on both ends, all these things will rise to the surface.
Speaker:And that is the particular moment, boom, where suddenly a man will start to, or, or you, as a man listening, you will start to engage in this unconscious behavior again.
Speaker:And you might be even lying to yourself.
Speaker:This is also really important for women who are listening, that most men don't do this consciously.
Speaker:Yes, there are some men or some women who do all these things consciously and viciously, however, most men don't.
Speaker:It's deeply, deeply unconscious.
Speaker:Does it excuse it?
Speaker:No.
Speaker:But is there a deeper understanding as to why it happens?
Speaker:Absolutely.
Speaker:So this is completely unconscious, and the way this works is that most men lie to themselves.
Speaker:A man will lie to himself and say, okay, it's just a coworker will just have a good connection.
Speaker:And then, for instance, subtle ways that how leaking in sexual energy shows up and then often leads to an emotional or physical affair is that he will, for instance, share intimate details with someone outside, with another woman outside of the relationship that he's in about his relationship.
Speaker:Now that woman starts to speak or he might share about a challenging experience he had in the relationship.
Speaker:And now that other woman may, might be single for instance, or she's not.
Speaker:And perhaps, she's also coming from a total out of integrity place.
Speaker:But that's not really important for this context here, and she might then, uh, basically have a door, a door of entry.
Speaker:There's this emotional connection that is going on.
Speaker:There's vulnerability being exchanged with a potential lover, with someone who, who, where there is potential interest and most likely attraction.
Speaker:But many men will lie to themselves.
Speaker:They will not admit that to themselves.
Speaker:By the way, when we talk about admit to, to the woman, no.
Speaker:They're most like not admitting it to themselves, that they're actually feeling attracted.
Speaker:And the reason why they're doing these things is because they're almost so to speak, testing okay, um, I don't want to cheat, but how can I get away with these things and still get that emotional validation?
Speaker:All of this, in most cases, happens completely unconsciously.
Speaker:After the honeymoon phase, there is a sense of that there is no sexual conquest anymore.
Speaker:So now this desire for sexual conquest and the thrill and validation that comes with it often is one of the reasons why this leaking sexual energy appears.
Speaker:But that is already towards the emotional, physical affair side.
Speaker:For most men, it's very subtle.
Speaker:It's this emotional connection that might lead to something or not, but it might be flirting, excessively flirting.
Speaker:It might be in the conversation.
Speaker:It's not mentioned that, he's in a committed relationship, right?
Speaker:You might speak to another woman and you don't mention that you are in a committed relationship.
Speaker:Why do you not mention it?
Speaker:Look deeper.
Speaker:These are all ways how how you are not admitting to yourself what is going on.
Speaker:And this is really where it starts.
Speaker:It's that realization that as long as a man, as long as you lie to yourself, you're not radically honest with yourself, you cannot bring a sense of radical honesty and your truth to the feminine.
Speaker:You are living out of alignment with your truth and with your innate sense of integrity.
Speaker:And this, even if it's seemingly subtle, will create a major distrust with her.
Speaker:And let's focus for a moment, not on her.
Speaker:Let's focus a moment on you.
Speaker:It will also create a major sense of disconnect inside you from your own power.
Speaker:Because deep down, by engaging in these behaviors, even if it's seemingly subtle, you are losing yourself respect.
Speaker:You are no longer respecting yourself.
Speaker:You are no longer looking into the mirror and thinking wow, or feeling I live my truth.
Speaker:And you might not be consciously aware of this, but it's creates this energy where you disconnect from your power and then you can't show up, you can't devote yourself
Speaker:. So the, the deeper question is, why are you in a relationship if you engage in this behavior?
Speaker:That is a question many men have to sit and face themselves with.
Speaker:Because at the end of the day, it is not fair.
Speaker:To be in a relationship to get all these amazing qualities of a safe and secure partner, and then to go out there and flirt around and get as much validation as possible, for a sense of thrill, excitement, and trying to fill a void.
Speaker:Now, of course, if there is consent and a couple is in a polyamorous relationship, this is irrelevant.
Speaker:Forget about all of this.
Speaker:If there is consent, if there is truth and that works for you, amazing, amazing.
Speaker:What works for you works for you.
Speaker:But what I'm talking about here is when these things are not expressed, when these things are happen from a shadow, from a shadow dynamic where things are not out in the open.
Speaker:Let's get really practical here.
Speaker:A committed relationship forces men to face this part within themselves.
Speaker:This part, this pain, this whatever it is within you.
Speaker:Because can guarantee you, you are running from something, you are running away from something painful inside you.
Speaker:Otherwise, if you are fully in your wholeness, in your power, in your center, you feel safe and secure within you, there is absolutely zero reason and will be zero desire to engage in any of this behavior.
Speaker:Now the first step.
Speaker:Is to really stop running.
Speaker:To promise yourself internally to always be radically honest with yourself.
Speaker:Because this is about the relationship with yourself, for and foremost, as every other relationship is an expression of that.
Speaker:And when you make that internal decision as a man, that you will from this moment on forever, be fully honest with yourself, then something changes, because you won't, will no longer become unconscious here.
Speaker:Now this leads us into a different conversation where some men, when they're on the path of reclaiming integrity, they fall into this idea that they have to become a holy saint.
Speaker:There is no such thing as a holy saint.
Speaker:We are human beings and we are not choosing our sexual attraction.
Speaker:However, we are defined by what we do with our sexual attraction.
Speaker:So while you cannot shut down any desires that biologically you might experience, this is very important for women listening as well, neither can you as a woman and neither can he.
Speaker:Right there is that biological aspect always.
Speaker:We are also animals no matter how spiritual and how powerful we are, but we are animals as well.
Speaker:We've got that primal side about ourselves.
Speaker:So this is not about becoming a holy saint.
Speaker:This is about what, how are you responding?
Speaker:What are you doing with that?
Speaker:And the integrity and conscious way.
Speaker:Is to do nothing with it, to leave it there.
Speaker:You cannot choose your attraction to someone, but you can certainly choose whether you respond or do anything in response to it.
Speaker:So it's about a conscious choice you make about how you respond to this energy.
Speaker:And when you are radically honest with yourself, then there is no way you are going to deceive yourself or deceive or lie, or have any secrecy with the woman you are in a relationship with.
Speaker:For women listening, it's very important to understand that no matter how much love you give us, there will be inevitably moments of tension, arguments.
Speaker:And in these moments is where the men who have been conditioned in this way, the men or unconsciously have been conditioning themselves, trying to fill that void, which is a lot, a lot of men, these are the moments where this will arise.
Speaker:So as a woman, it is not your responsibility to heal or save us from this part.
Speaker:This would speak to a wound within yourself.
Speaker:You can give us all the love in the world, but it doesn't mean that a man will not engage in this behavior.
Speaker:And in most cases, it doesn't mean that he doesn't love you or that he doesn't care about you.
Speaker:What it means is that he's operating from a place of his shadow.
Speaker:He has become unconscious.
Speaker:He's doing these things unconsciously.
Speaker:It's very important for us men to understand, a woman can always sense this.
Speaker:Even if she says nothing, which will be her own wounding of believing she's not good enough to express her voice and to share with us that this is not okay for her and it doesn't feel safe for her, it will not create, never create the connection that both want to experience.
Speaker:She can sense it.
Speaker:The feminine is a master of feeling any subtle change in the connection.
Speaker:A little bit of flirting around emotional kind of intimacy with another woman, even if it's seemingly so subtle, goes a long way in destroying the emotional connection and the emotional safety.
Speaker:And without emotional connection and safety, a wound will never fully trust you and you will never experience the sex specifically, also speaking about sex, that you want to experience.
Speaker:For women and also for us, it as men, it's important, but for women, emotional safety and intimacy is the most important thing.
Speaker:Without that, without trust, there can be no great sex.
Speaker:And if there is still sex, then it will be completely disconnected, both operating from a place of wounding.
Speaker:When we as men are the masters of choosing how to respond to our biological desires, which are outside of our control.
Speaker:Then we create safety that makes us deeply trustworthy and conscious men who live from their center, from their power and with integrity.
Speaker:So what is the most important thing to focus on here?
Speaker:How can you as a man release this?
Speaker:The practice is to keep strengthening your commitment and devotion.
Speaker:We believe that we commit and devote ourselves once and while that's it, but this is not how it works.
Speaker:Commitment is something deeply, deeply energetic.
Speaker:That is why, uh, the saying, oh yeah, he didn't cheat physically, so nothing happened is absolute bullshit.
Speaker:And vice versa.
Speaker:Of course, something happened.
Speaker:Because everything is about energy.
Speaker:So also commitment and devotion is about energy.
Speaker:As men, your practice to release this is to recommit and revote yourself every single day to your woman, to your wife, to your partner.
Speaker:How do you do this?
Speaker:You write down on a piece of paper your devotion and commitment.
Speaker:For instance, I would say I'm fully devoted to my wife, Liliana.
Speaker:Every day.
Speaker:I want to create deeper connection, right?
Speaker:I've got mine.
Speaker:This is not the exact what I've written down.
Speaker:Um, I would say mine is much more poetic and much deeper than that.
Speaker:I don't have it available right now for to read it, but the quiescence is, this needs to come from you.
Speaker:This is about your devotion and your commitment.
Speaker:And when you read that every single day, that is an immensely powerful practice to center and direct your energy towards commitment and devotion rather than leaking energy and being completely all over the place.
Speaker:And this is what happens the more years pass.
Speaker:This is why so many women are like, in the beginning it wasn't there, but now it's there.
Speaker:Well, what happened?
Speaker:Maybe he didn't cheat, maybe you as a man didn't cheat, but energetic devotion and the commitment became very floppy, became very unclear, became very distracted, rather than clear and intentional and conscious.
Speaker:So this is the most important practice here to remember.
Speaker:And also another important practice for the men is asking yourself the question, what are you running from?
Speaker:In these moments?
Speaker:What are you afraid to feel?
Speaker:Because the most important practice to master this is to become present with what is arising within you in the moment where you are reaching out for the coping mechanism.
Speaker:In the moment where the desire arises within you, that is the short window.
Speaker:That is the short moment you have where you can learn to master yourself to break this cycle.
Speaker:So become present with what is alive inside your body.
Speaker:At first, you will feel immense resistance.
Speaker:It will feel really challenging.
Speaker:Your nervous system is not used to doing this, so naturally it will feel, there's so much resistance, it will feel extremely challenging.
Speaker:It will feel like there is a storm and the storm is taking you with you and you've got no say.
Speaker:But you are powerful beyond measure, and you have a say in absolutely everything that is happening inside your self, not outside of yourself, but inside of yourself.
Speaker:You create your reality by changing your internal reality and mastering and maturing whatever needs, mastering and maturing.
Speaker:So you consciously start to face this.
Speaker:You recommit and revote yourself every single day.
Speaker:You read it out loud, you feel it in your heart.
Speaker:You direct your energy intentionally, and then you face every time it arises, whatever you are afraid to feel and be present with.
Speaker:And if you commit yourself to both of these practices, then everything starts to change.
Speaker:The level of trust and safety and emotional intimacy and depth will skyrocket.
Speaker:It will be amplified by infinite fold.
Speaker:The sex life will increase as a byproduct, naturally of that.
Speaker:This creates the relationship of one's dreams.
Speaker:This creates a relationship where you as the woman, feel you can trust us.
Speaker:Unwaveringly, you can trust, you can, you can fully melt into our arms and know, know that while we cannot shut down, neither can you biological desires, we are in full integrity and will never ever follow any of these superficial physical desires.
Speaker:Because these are just superficial.
Speaker:They're not desires of the soul, and that is why it's so important as men, that we expand our consciousness, that we go deeper.
Speaker:Because as we go deeper, we connect to what comes from the soul, and what is just superficial bullshit.
Speaker:A mere biological desire that an animal can have.
Speaker:Nothing spiritual, nothing deeply rooted in what is actually in alignment with the highest, with the sacred, with the highest intelligence, whatever you want to call it, however you feel connected to it.
Speaker:A few last pointers for the women listening.
Speaker:You cannot save us from this.
Speaker:It is not your responsibility, but if you bring understanding to this, of course it depends on the context on how the leaking and sexual energy is happening.
Speaker:But for instance, if you notice there is still some leaky energy when he speaks with other women, you can bring this to his awareness.
Speaker:And you might extend understanding and compassion.
Speaker:Yes, set your boundaries.
Speaker:Express your truth.
Speaker:Because many men don't even realize this is happening.
Speaker:They need to hear it.
Speaker:We need to, as men, understand that this is not okay.
Speaker:In a committed relationship, unless there is consent and you choose to have a different container, then that's a total different topic.
Speaker:But in a committed relationship that is not okay, this subtle leaking, even if it's seemingly subtle in sexual energy.
Speaker:So make us aware, but also bring understanding and understanding.
Speaker:I don't mean I understand you, it's fine.
Speaker:I love you.
Speaker:No, by understanding, I mean baby, this is not okay for me.
Speaker:I don't want this ever to happen again.
Speaker:I just want to say I understand that it came from perhaps, just a superficial desire.
Speaker:I understand that you truly love me.
Speaker:Because for many women, what happens here is that then you believe he doesn't love you, he doesn't care about you.
Speaker:But actually in most cases it comes from conditioning, it comes from trauma.
Speaker:So you can say, I understand that, but it's not okay for me.
Speaker:Here is my boundary.
Speaker:And if that's true for you, if you release this then I'm willing to go deep with you.
Speaker:I want to be with you.
Speaker:If that's true for you, that will be the only way how you can support us in this without losing your power, not being the therapist, not being the savior, but also extending incredible grace and compassion to a man who is in the progress of healing this.
Speaker:This is absolutely possible, but it needs total openness from both ends.
Speaker:Specifically from the man, we need to do the work when we are the one leaking in sexual energy, of course.
Speaker:And you can extend that gift of grace and understanding and compassion to us while setting loving boundaries.
Speaker:then everything is possible if there is openness.
Speaker:And this is truly one of the greatest gifts you can give us.
Speaker:And the other thing here for women is if you say to him, oh, you can never, ever desire or be attracted to another woman.
Speaker:It will just create a sense of suppression, because no human being can switch off their biological desires.
Speaker:It's very important that you both elevate to a higher level of consciousness where you don't see these biological desires as really a deep soul truth, but you see them as mere superficial expressions and desires that have nothing to do with the deep and depth of union that you want to create.
Speaker:Now for men, I go deeper into this and how you can heal this in my men's groups and in all my men's programs.
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