From Soldier to Healer: Martin Webster's Journey Through Trauma and Transformation

Join us as we delve into the compelling journey of Martin Webster, a former British soldier who transformed his traumatic experiences into a unique therapeutic approach for dealing with PTSD, known as HMS therapy. Martin shares his harrowing story of combat, the mental toll of war, and his quest for healing that led him to explore NLP and hypnotherapy. This episode tackles the serious implications of trauma and the often-overlooked struggles faced by veterans transitioning to civilian life. With candid reflections on the military's impact on his psyche and the challenges of finding effective support, Martin’s insights are both profound and eye-opening. Prepare for a thought-provoking discussion that navigates the complexities of healing and the realities of trauma, but be warned: the content may be disturbing for some listeners.

The conversation reveals the stark contrast between Martin's early life aspirations as an artist and the harsh realities he faced as a soldier, navigating war zones that shaped his psyche. He delves into the concept of guilt and the haunting memories of friends lost in conflict, which became more pronounced after he became a parent. The emotional weight of his experiences culminated in a profound realization: the need to integrate the heart and mind in the healing process. His HMS therapy offers a unique perspective on trauma recovery, emphasizing the importance of addressing familial ties and personal relationships as foundational elements of emotional health. Martin's approach stands out in a landscape often dominated by traditional therapy models, advocating for a more holistic view that considers the individual's entire life context. His journey underscores the necessity for open discussions about mental health within the military community, challenging the stigma that often surrounds these topics.

Takeaways:

• Martin Webster shares his transformative journey from soldier to trauma recovery trainer, emphasizing the importance of addressing PTSD.
• His unique HMS therapy integrates emotional healing by connecting the heart and mind, fostering genuine recovery.
• The podcast explores the complex realities of war, trauma, and the effects on mental health.
• Webster discusses the societal impacts of military service and the challenges faced by veterans.
• Listeners are encouraged to confront their own traumas and engage in personal healing work.
• The conversation highlights the necessity of shadow work in achieving emotional resilience and authenticity.

The Choosing Happy podcast delivers a profound conversation with Martin Webster, a former British soldier who has transformed his experience of trauma into a mission to help others. Martin shares his tumultuous journey through military life, revealing the profound psychological impacts of his service in conflict zones like Northern Ireland and Iraq. He candidly discusses the weight of PTSD, guilt, and the struggle to adapt to civilian life after witnessing and participating in the horrors of war. Through his storytelling, Martin paints a vivid picture of the internal battles many veterans face, making the issues of mental health and trauma relatable for all listeners.

Central to the discussion is Martin's innovative HMS (Heart, Mind, and Soul) therapy, a unique approach he developed to help individuals process trauma and emotional pain. He explains how this therapy integrates principles of NLP and hypnotherapy, focusing on healing the heart and mind to achieve overall well-being. Martin’s insights into the interconnectedness of emotions, relationships, and personal history underscore the importance of addressing underlying issues rather than merely alleviating symptoms. His approach not only seeks to heal but also empowers individuals to reclaim their narratives and foster resilience in the face of adversity.

What makes this episode particularly engaging is Martin's blend of humour and authenticity, providing a refreshing take on serious topics. He emphasizes the power of choice in the journey towards happiness, encouraging listeners to confront their fears and embrace vulnerability as a strength. The conversation touches on themes of spirituality, personal growth, and the necessity of shadow work in achieving true healing. As Martin shares his experiences and insights, he inspires listeners to embark on their own journeys of self-discovery, reminding them that happiness is not a destination but a continuous process of growth and healing. This episode serves as both a poignant reminder of the realities of trauma and a hopeful guide for anyone seeking to navigate their own path towards happiness.

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About Martin Webster :

A former British Soldier, who served for 12 years and took part in many conflicts. On returning from the Iraq War, he was diagnosed with PTSD. After bankruptcy, Divorce, and being made homeless after service, he became a Practitioner NLP & Hypnotherapy and found he preferred this approach over Counselling, for dealing with trauma. Martin is now a Master Practitioner and a Trainer of NLP and Hypnotherapy. Still suffering from PTSD he created his own therapy that really helped him learn to forgive himself from his part in war at the spiritual level. He called this Heart Mind and Soul Therapy. HMS Therapy has helped hundreds of clients suffering from childhood trauma and stress related conditions. Martin believes it is the fastest & most effective intervention on the market. His goal is to train as many Therapists as possible in HMS Therapy Martin is also a writer & award-winning director, thanks to HMS Therapy. He is currently working on a 3rd film for Amazon Prime called Grail.

Contact and Social Media:

Martin's Facebook page

@HMS_Therapy on X

Martin on YouTube

Martin's Website

Chapters:

• 00:01 - Welcome to Choosing Happy
• 00:06 - Interview with Martin Webster
• 00:25 - Martin's Military Journey
• 00:34 - Warning: Adult Content
• 00:47 - The Reality of War
• 00:51 - Martin's Struggles After Service
• 01:36 - Discovering Therapy Techniques
• 28:40 - Building HMS Therapy
• 42:11 - Art and Film: A Creative Outlet
• 48:38 - Choosing Happiness
• 01:05:28 - Final Thoughts and Reflections
• 01:08:26 - Outro: Thank You for Listening

Let me know your biggest takeaways from this episode!

Share on social and Please like, share and subscribe. It really helps the podcast and I so appreciate it!

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Hello and welcome to this episode of the Choosing Happy podcast.

Today I got to interview Martin Webster, who is a former british soldier turned NLP and hypnotherapy trainer, and he created his own approach to dealing with trauma and PTSD and has helped literally hundreds of people overcome trauma.

He covers his story of how he came to create his own technique and his life as a soldier.

This episode is definitely different from any of the other episodes I've done, so I do give a warning for adult and some quite disturbing content as well.

So be aware of that for this episode.

So stay tuned for a wild ride and this week's choosing Happy podcast.

Hello and welcome to the choose and Happy podcast.

I'm your host, Heather Masters, and today I'm talking with Martin Webster, who is a former british soldier turned trainer of NLP and hypnotherapy, who works with his own approach to dealing with trauma and PTSD, and he calls that HMS.

So welcome, Martin.

Thanks for inviting me.

You're welcome.

Could you begin by telling us a little bit about your journey and how you came to create HMS and what that is as well, please?

Yeah, sure.

I was sent straight out to Northern Ireland and quickly got involved with the Troubles or the war that was going on over.

People call it the Troubles, but it was pretty horrific.

It was one of the most terrifying experiences of my life, to be honest, going out to Northern Ireland at the age of 19, and I originally was at art school, so I went from art school to Northern Ireland.

It was a bit of a shock to the system.

Yeah.

So I went through that war and came back, and then I was involved in the war in Sierra Leone.

After September 11, I was involved in the war in Sierra Leone and then went back out to Northern Ireland for the end of the sort of peace agreement, where people were let out on the Good Friday Agreement, and things were sort of up, the turmoil of Northern Ireland coming to its end, basically at the end of an era.

And then once that was all sort of tied up, came back from Northern Ireland again and the Iraq war kicked off.

So was then sent to the Iraq war, where I finally sort of, I suppose, in a way, joined the military to, you know, to protect my country, what I thought was protecting my country.

And then once we was out there, we realized that it was not what it was all meant to be.

And we'd been sent out there on basically on the premise of a lie.

I shot and killed someone while I was out there, which was quite a horrific experience.

Not so much at the time.

But when I came back, the sort of consequences of that action started to weigh on my mind heavily, especially when we realized that we were sort of sent down the river with what Tony Blair had sort of initially told us about the 30 minutes that our country could have been, you know, destroyed.

Within 30 minutes.

They had weapons of mass destruction, which turned out to be not true.

So I'd bought property in Spain, and I really started to struggle with civilian life.

Got married, had a kid.

And then things start to really sort of.

I think when I had a child, things really started to decline down because, I think because of what I've been involved with, there was a lot of guilt, a lot of, why should I have a lot.

A lot of my friends, you know, we've lost friends out in Iraq.

Many soldiers I knew would start to take their own lives.

And, yeah, things started to go on a downward spiral.

So I started to suffer with nightmares, flashbacks, couldn't get myself in any form of routine.

Oh, sorry, rewind.

Before that.

When I was out in Iraq, I filmed a lot of what was going on out there for artistic purposes, but also having post traumatic stress disorder.

I was filming stuff that I shouldn't have been filming, which was war, and showing war for what it really is on the front line.

And nobody had really got a camera on the front line, sort of unedited, straightaway, frontline soldier on, you know, in the.

In the heat of battle.

So getting that footage back was going to be problematic, because the minute that the public saw it, the public weren't prepared already to see what soldiers do in war, and no one ever done it in the first war.

It's always been sort of, like, scripted and stuff from the first war has always been orchestrated by sort of the military, whereas this was, like, raw footage taken from the front line.

I was probably pretty much the last person to get a camera onto the front line.

From a soldier's perspective now you can't do it.

They wouldn't allow it to happen.

And lots of pictures and images were coming back from Iraq.

So the british army decided to punish us all for.

For filming it.

And I became sort of the head scapegoat, if you like, for the distraction as well.

With all the, you know, everything that Tony Blair and all the lies we've been told.

It was a great distraction to put soldiers out as bad apples, have them tried for their crimes in Iraq, which were all we were doing was carrying out the orders that we've been told to do, you know, and then that way it was sort of relieved the politicians from.

From the disgusting acts of treason that they created for our country.

And so, yeah, so they started to build a court.

I was going to be court martialed.

It was news of World Front page footage.

One of my friends had sold it to News of world for a sum of money because he's been kicked out.

And then.

So I started having to deal with that then, like.

But I was now public enemy number one, put in every national newspaper as, like, Britain's hate figure.

And so having.

Even going through PTSD, having to deal with the media, which I wasn't trained in doing, the british army had betrayed me by putting me out as a scapegoat.

I then had to sort of learn how to sort of process huge amounts of negative energy coming at me.

And then I decided to get out.

So I signed off.

I got out in.

So I'm getting.

So I'm trying to get out, can't get out.

And then all of a sudden, the Crown Prosecution Service couldn't prosecute for any of the stuff that we was involved in because we hadn't.

We'd only done what we'd been told to do.

So.

And also the News of the World had.

I basically gave a copy of the real footage to my friend, who then gave it to the News of the World.

And the news of the World were then going to suddenly flip the story and back us.

So the army was in a bit of a position, do we go to trial?

But then the media have said that they're going to back these soldiers, so it would have flipped back on them.

So it was a massive spin game that I was involved in and I managed to pull it all off, got out the military with no sort of dishonourable discharge, so I got, you know, I still got entitled to my full pension and, you know, because I hadn't done anything wrong, you know, all I did was film what I saw and I was, you know, going to be.

Going to be tried for that.

So then what happened was I got out in the military.

I was in severe problems, started to acute that, nightmares, flashbacks, couldn't.

Couldn't sort myself out.

I then thought I was safe being out in Civvie Street.

I was completely wrong.

It was sort of the height of the Gordon brown era, where the country was going, pretty much.

It felt similar to where we are now, actually.

Like, you know, that the country was on its knees.

We'd spent all this money on war and, you know, labor had broken this country, as they always do.

Well, they all do it.

They're all conservative, the two cheeks of the same ass, but, you know, the country was on its knees.

I couldn't get a doctor's appointment.

I couldn't pay my mortgage, I couldn't go to, I was trying to work, but my head was completely.

I was so paranoid.

I thought helicopters were following me around.

I was so distraught.

And then I couldn't get a doctor's appointment because I'd been in the military for twelve years, they'd never heard of me.

So I couldn't get a doctor's appointment.

I was severely traumatized, very, very close to taking my own life.

I had two small children that I wasn't living with, so I was living in my car.

I just couldn't, I just couldn't sort myself out.

I just couldn't get it together.

I couldn't handle Civvie street.

And then all of a sudden I started to, I started to look at other ways to sort myself out.

I tried the counseling route, so I went, that's it.

I was trying to get a doctor's appointment.

And because they said, we don't know who you are, I kept going back to the reception, said, look, I'm not feeling good.

I feel suicidal, I need help.

And they would just say, look, come back on Monday morning, we'll try, we'll have a look.

But because you're not registered anywhere, we can't help you.

So I remember going to the Royal British Legion.

So I went back to the receptionist and I just said, look, if you don't help me, I'm going to go to the media about this.

This is wrong.

You know, we should be getting, I've served for my country for twelve years.

I deserve to have a doctor's appointment.

That afternoon I got five calls from five different doctors saying, please, Mister Webster, come in, we can sort this out.

And it was just, it was just a complete.

I couldn't get a dentist.

I then started to sort myself out because I was lucky that I could move back to my mum and dad's house.

I moved back to my mum and dad's, and I was lucky that they had a roof space, my old attic room.

So I went back in there.

I started to recover, but it was a long, a long road.

I started with the counseling.

Counseling.

And I started with all the prescription drugs, which just made me feel suicidal.

I was like, what is this?

All I could have is this all?

And I was going to combat stress, and it was just putting around veterans, just talking about war all the time.

And it was just, it was just, I thought, is this my life for the rest of my life?

Is this how it's going to be?

Then I started going to a spiritualist church where they were doing Reiki healing.

And that's how sort of, I remember turning up at the, the door doorway of the spiritualist church.

As soon as the guy opened the door, the guy had a crucifix on which I was.

And he looked at me and he just looked around me and he went, come in, son.

All will be explained.

And when I was in the military, before we went out to Iraq, done a lot of Ouija boards.

I mean, a hell of a lot of Ouija boards.

I was into all that ghost hunting stuff and doing serious amounts of, like, like, the dark arts and stuff like that.

And basically they did this thing when they just, they knew I'd been playing with Ouija boards.

They said, you've got a lot of shit hanging around you.

That's sort of like.

And also all the darkness that comes with going to war, like, almost demonic energy.

And they cleared some of it, which allowed me to sleep for the first time.

I was going back for Reiki every week.

Then I was sort of seeing this military councillor with this group, veterans group.

I can't remember what her name was now, but she was some sort of, like, psychiatrist that was working.

It was almost like we was all just, we was like little like my.

We were just her case studies.

That's all we were to her.

You know, there was no sort of connection with her.

She had no sort of empathy towards us.

If we died, it didn't really matter because we were just stats on a sheet.

And I just remember feeling like the level of despair around all of this.

I'm still trying to pay a mortgage.

And that was in the end.

I just.

I just thought, my best hope is to go bankrupt.

Went bankrupt.

Lost my house in Spain, lost my house in Cornwall.

Just started from scratch again completely just.

And then I got invited on, I got invited to go to this charity that was using hypnotherapy and NLP to help people with problems, mental health problems.

And it was in Wales under the guidance of somebody that Tad James trained.

I wouldn't say his name, Doctor Tad James trained and David shepherd had been involved in, but they, he'd sort of broken away from their, sort of their sort of the.

The american board of NLP and the American Board of Hypnotherapy and sort of set up his own, his own brand of NLP.

So I went on this course, it was a practitioner training and there was about 30 people on the course and some had paid, some hadn't paid, and he was trying to break through with using timeline therapy with people in the military, so, which is obviously Doctor Tad James therapy and approach.

As soon as I went on that course, it was horrifying.

But also hope.

There was, there was hope, there was more hope than what I saw with, you know, and I remember like third day into the practitioner training, I went into complete shock, I.

Into panic I think, as well.

I was processing a lot of other people's were dropping trauma in the room and it just.

There's all different, like from people that had been involved some horrific situations in different war zones from the Northern Ireland conflict right back to, I think we had some second world war veterans.

It was just, it just seemed like a mess.

But there was some sort of hope in the therapy process and timeline therapy.

My first session with somebody and I took this SES guy through a session, it was almost like I was dragging him through it and I remember his hands getting really like the whole process was.

Was quite.

I found all the like to dislike stuff and all the.

All the sort of swish pattern stuff, right?

Like, I just be really honest, I found it nonsense to deal with PTSD.

It doesn't, it doesn't work.

It's just, it's very flimsy and for me it's great.

Without those techniques you wouldn't have, you know, you, you wouldn't have those techniques work for some people, but for severe trauma they don't.

And I was in there and I remember we did hypnosis, getting people to stick their hands to the heads, getting them to do the, like the balloon and dictionary and then doing the sort of getting them.

And I just.

Why do I need to know that shit?

The way I looked at it, I thought, what's that for?

Big for me when I come in, the military everything as a military soldier is results.

What's the problem?

What's the solution?

What's the result?

And you're constantly looking at what works and what doesn't work.

And all I was looking at was, right, that works.

I like that.

That works.

Sub modalities work, this works.

Values elicitation, that work.

And I was just taking all the stuff that worked.

I'm thinking, what would I do if I'm working with a soldier who's got post traumatics or somebody who's got severe trauma?

So at the end of that course, I was very hopeful.

I was thinking, there is definitely something in this went on the.

I got invited on Master Prac, and the way I was to pay back my course was to work for this charity for free.

So every month I would dedicate, like, two days of my time, go up to Manchester, my shitty little car, and help this charity with veterans with severe post traumatic stress disorder.

And I started to come into contact with all sorts of crazy energies up there.

That was like.

It was like a meat market, basically.

It was like you just had all these novice practitioners trying to help people who had mental health problems ourselves.

It was just a mess.

I remember talking to David shepherd about this and it was absolutely horrific.

It was not a pleasant experience.

And then the guy who was running the training was also like.

He was trying to do stuff on a commercial level.

I mean, I do commend him for what he tried to do.

Without his help, you know, I wouldn't be where I am today.

But it felt very disingenuous to stuff.

It was like, the main aim at the end of it, I think, was to make a lot of money and to get this implemented into the.

Into like, the mod world and stuff like that.

But because the NHS.

And because those mental health practices, like, comment, like, you know, psychology and the NHS approaches are so rigorous around counseling and pharmaceutical drugs, there's just no room for this.

They don't want it in there.

And they've.

They've always been like, door shut, we're not interested.

And not just that, a lot of their counselors have all got severe mental health.

They're all narcissists and don't want to.

They don't want to see something new and they're not prepared to work on themselves.

They're not prepared to do any shadow work.

Yeah, yeah.

And it's like anyone who gets really high up in this thing, there's a level of ego where when you stop doing therapy on yourself, when you stop to doing shadow work, and change work.

That's when the therapy stops.

That's my opinion, you know.

No, no, absolutely.

It's a journey.

It's constant, isn't it?

So, yeah, so I'm just seeing all this mess going on and I started to think then that was when I came across the, the drop down through technique and I said, oh, we should never do this.

You should never use the drop down through technique and you should never go below to never go past two positives.

Once you get to two positives, that's it, stay there.

And I was like, well, why is that?

Then what?

And they couldn't explain it to me.

Said, oh, it will stretch the boundaries of your perception and it'll blow your parameters of your.

The way you think and stuff like that.

And I was bollocks that I said, right, told this royal Marine, send me in, send me in for the drop down through technique.

And I remember sitting on a chair and I remember feeling like going through these layers and I said, kept sending me down and I felt like I was going into past life stuff and I now felt like I was on, I was like my feet was on the ceiling and I had a real out of body experience.

And when I came back round, I felt like I'd been present throughout the whole journey.

And now this time we were using not timeline therapy because Doctor Todd James, I think, took it away from the guy that was running this training.

So he invented spectrum therapy, which was his own process, using colors.

Now, I think spectrum was definitely a great addition and it's a shame that we couldn't have all got together and gone, right, what's the best tool on the market?

But because there's so many egos involved, that's never going to happen.

So I'm like, all I want to do is get well.

And I remember at that point I had a bit of an argument with the guy running the course and he was like, why do you feel that you keep needing therapy?

I said, because I'm not fixed.

I'm not fixed.

I want.

I want to come away and I want to feel totally in control of my life.

And I feel like I've still got shit, I've still got layers.

And because we were never doing any past life stuff, because we was always doing like, you know, I'd run out of things in this lifetime and I didn't what I was asked, but why am I still getting problems?

Why am I still getting snags?

Why am I still ultra aggressive in these areas?

And for me, that that's me, I was a trained killer.

I was trained to be in the army.

I was trained to kill and I was trained to do dark things and those things were still hanging about me.

So I was like, how do I get rid of all that stuff?

So I then went on to do.

I got.

I remember everything into the charity and then the charity and the.

The trainer who was trained by doctor Tad James, he was.

They were both going separate ways.

And also there was one incident where somebody came to Cornwall on one, on a training that I'd organized.

And I think it was about a time when I just.

I'd just gone through bankruptcy, so I'd given everything up to put on this therapy event.

And the CEO of this charity, which remained nameless, got.

Got pissed drunk every day with the clients on the course.

And one of the clients to the course was Nessie Eskai, who'd come on a few courses and all he did on the course was just get drunk and talk about war stories.

And then I went up to him in the morning and I said, where are you off?

And he was off to go and buy a drink for the day.

And I said, well, when you get back, pack your kit up and fuck off, because I don't want you around it.

I said, you don't want to change?

Go.

You ever come here to change it?

And I was only a therapist at the time, the CEO of the chat, because you can't speak to people like that.

I said, yes, I can.

I said, I've given up everything to put this event on.

I provided tents for them to stay in.

It was down in Cornwall.

It was a lovely five days of doing therapy.

We had 20 with 20 clients on the course.

Anyway, this guy just got completely pissed and he came back later that day and he said, you know what?

He said, you're right.

He said, you got.

Because I've got no right to have come on this course and just got drunk and I'm going to come back on another course and I'm.

I'm gonna sort myself out.

Anyway, that day he got drunk again, got on the train, and while he was on the train, got up, hit his head on, fell over, hit his head on the sink, in the toilet and died on the train from Falmouth to Truro.

Yeah.

And luckily we had a french journalist who'd been on the course to see that he hadn't been killed on our course or not killed, but, like, he hadn't died on our course, because the whole thing would have been like a national flipping.

But this guy didn't want to change.

And hypnosis and alcohol doesn't go well.

No.

So the CEO of the charities go, don't tell anyone about that.

Anyway, I was done with him.

I thought, I don't want anything to do with this charity.

They don't take it serious enough.

And then I basically got invited by this guy who was running the NLP courses to France to do my trainers training, I think, on the premise that I was going to work for him, I was going to work for him with this thing called the poppy appeal so I could work for him and this charity would pay for me to work with him.

So it was like, it was like a win win solution for me.

So I went on this.

And also I was getting him out to America, I was getting him in with all my Vietnam veteran contacts.

I was getting flown to America every year to work Vietnam veterans.

So I was testing a lot of these skills out and developing my skills with these Vietnam veterans.

But he wasn't invited out on the second year because he went out there and told them that.

He told a lot of Vietnam veterans that PTSD doesn't exist, which went down like a lead balloon.

And, yeah, it doesn't exist in your model of the world, if you want to look at it doesn't, but it exists for these people.

And this guy was an ex soldier himself, but he served in the PT court, whereas for me, I was an infantry soldier.

I was what we call a dagger.

So I was frontline.

I wasn't like Pontine about in a gym, you know, it's like telling somebody when you're from the gym world or from the logistics world that.

That Pete is didn't see, but when you've got, when you've had to go up in close quarter with the enemy and kill the enemy, you've got to live with that for the rest of your lives.

This guy really didn't know what he was talking about as it comes to, you know, frontline soldiers.

And I think with my problem throughout my careers I've always told the truth and I've always been.

It's either black or white, simple as that.

And I've never stayed in anything very, very long because people don't like me because I'm a fucking gate truth pill.

And it's like, so I'm there trying to exist in this corporate world with.

And I always remember getting told, Mark, this is above your pay grade.

This mark, you wouldn't understand this mark, I'm thinking, I understand everything.

And I knew this guy was also.

He was sleeping around.

He was cheating on his ex.

He told me this and I thought, I, if you're sorry, he was cheating on his wife.

And I thought, if you're prepared to cheat on your wife, I mean nothing to you.

You're going about values and shit like that.

You haven't got any values, mate.

So I was like, not happy with the way that this person was running his business.

And so I just started to make my exit plan.

So I started to think, right, I'm going to develop my own therapy.

So I did, you know, in the background, I kept working with him and we just grew further and further.

Apartheid.

Once I had the birth of my daughter, I thought, this is the time to launch my product of therapy.

And I called it HMS therapy, which standard for heart, mole heart, mind and soul therapy, which is about linking the head and the heart.

For me, it was always about the parts integration was the most powerful, powerful intervention with someone who's in civil war with herself, getting the head and the heart working together as an integrated unit.

So even though parts isn't my main premise of HMS therapy, the way HMS works is you do mum and dad.

You can do them together or individually, and you start off with what all the like, you know, the negative emotions connected to them.

Angus, Abdus feel gut hurt, not love, not good enough, not worthy, core beliefs.

And all you do is you drop through those layers.

Once you've done mum and daddy, then you work on relationships, then you can work around that whole wheel of life and that clear out every sort of portion of your life where the problems.

And then I'd start to look at, right, if you've got an addiction problem.

But I wouldn't touch addiction until we've done mom dad relationships.

So then that way we're not going back over the same thing again.

And I developed this.

This process called the change day.

So you do a full day of change work with me, which was 6 hours, and you go through mum dad relationships, business and career, money and finances.

Any traumatic memories and you.

It's like a.

Basically a day of a life mot in a day, and you should come out a lot better than what you started.

Always leave people in a better place than you found them.

And I just got really good with clients, you know, and what I noticed was a lot of trainers were great at teaching, but none of them were actually working with people.

So I always managed to keep that balance of doing lots and lots of therapy with people and then doing training, and then I could pass on what I'd learned from each client I worked for into the training real time, you know, and you're only as good as your last client.

And if you're not getting clients, you shouldn't be a fair, you shouldn't be working as a healer because that's what we are.

We're healing, helping heal people.

Not to mention the amount of knowledge that comes to you when you're doing this stuff.

When you hit the no nothing state.

Is it grindo that used to talk about the hitting, the no nothing state that the amount of intelligence that comes through you, but it's not.

You don't ever get confused, think this is you doing it, because this is the biggest problem is people get their egos in the way and clients are a privilege.

They're not a right.

Your clients are a privilege.

They're not a right.

You don't just, you don't just because you've done your practitioner training you don't deserve to have a client unless the universe is going to give you a client.

And whenever I'm not getting clients it's because I know I've got shadow work to do.

I'm in a not a great place myself.

And all of this just didn't.

Even with the world, the people I was working with, they were just, oh, I'm a master practitioner.

Was the last time you put work with someone?

Oh, six months ago.

Alright so you're not a master practitioner then.

So for me it's like you're only as good as your last client.

Keep working.

Keep.

And if people can't afford to work you know, the people will come to you for free and you're just constantly working on keeping your, what we used to call in the military, keeping your sword sharp, working on your basic skills.

Basic fundamentals is the key to mastery.

You know, the repetition and the basic fundamentals is the key to mastery.

So.

So for me I launched my new therapy.

I got a horrible text from the guy who sort of trained me and took me to trainer level.

But on my trainers training when I was on it he wasn't present because he, he didn't even teach that.

We just taught ourselves basically we spent the whole of our trainers training filling up our own manuals because he had a problem that was going on outside with some accusations being thrown in.

So.

So for me it was perfect time to get all my slides together and design all my own products, which is what I did, but never forgetting where these products had come from.

You know, from doctor Todd James, from David shepherd.

Those that trained the guy that trained me and then come being passed down the line, you know, and I don't.

Listen, I don't ever hold any ill against that guy.

He is who he is and I respect him as the person that gave me some opportunities.

So.

So for me, if I didn't meet him, I wouldn't be where I am today.

So there's a level of love there and thank you for.

For giving me those chances, but there's also a lot of.

You're very different from.

I never.

I only got meet David Shepherd a few years ago and we sort of talked about what went through, everything.

I just found it just really.

When I look back at my NLP practitioner journey, it was shit.

It was just as shit as war.

It was.

It was.

I felt like I had to go through it, but it wasn't a pleasant experience.

The experiences I've given my practitioners, the way I've trained them, they haven't.

They haven't got a clue what I've been through.

And I don't bring it into the trainings, but my whole NLP practitioner training has been fucking horrific.

And I felt like I had to go through it that way because I don't know any other way of.

You know, they say that you manifest your destiny and I must have manifested that big shit sandwich.

But the whole process, all the people I had to work with, all the horror stories I had to.

People had been through murders and it's just exhausted.

And when I look at the people, like the lady I've just trained, I just think we've just had fun, you know, we've done some hard stuff.

We've dealt with some hard gestalts, some of that, but.

But my training, it was just as.

It was just like going through Iraq again, you know, it was horrific.

It was horrific.

And I hope nobody ever.

I hope the NLP world, it just feels like there's what we used to call it, the NLP, Wally, the person just not.

Not patterns and then suddenly comes off the course.

That's not knotting people and.

And making a complete arse theirselves or chunking people down in bars and stuff like that.

And that's what.

That's what was happening.

It was these skills being taught to absolute ignoramuses.

People had no clue what they're doing, the NLP, Wally.

And when I look back at it, I just think, God, I'm glad I got through all that because it's exhausting just.

Just telling that whole story there of how I got to here.

So once I set up hms, I did it on a corporate level.

I started training people.

I'd got rid of all the baggage and I even stopped working with people, veterans.

For a while, I just started working with corporate clients and keeping it light.

And when I trained a practitioner, sometimes I trained, like, one or two practitioners a year.

And I would.

What I did was I started to get other work in areas like.

So building my fishing work that I do now.

And I wanted to.

I never wanted to be in a position where I was hunting for clients the way the people I used to work with, because I needed to pay the mortgage.

I wanted.

I wanted the clients to come to me on a natural cycle.

And if I'm earning money from other means, that meant that I didn't have to force trying to get.

Oh, God, I've got to get clients.

Got to get clients.

Got to get a practitioner training going because I got to pay the mortgage.

And that.

That just didn't sit right with me, like, taking clients.

And also, as well, I saw a lot of counsellors in the counseling world that don't want their clients to get better because they're terrified, them getting well and then losing the money.

So for me, it was like I was the one stop therapist.

You come to me, I get you sorted, you get off.

I just helped the lady this week.

Just got on a flight, paid.

Paid two months ago to do some work.

She went terrified of going on a flight, worked ver.

And I promised her for free, free of charge, that the night before the flight, we'll do some therapy.

And she.

She texted me on Saturday morning, picture of her on the plane, so she couldn't get off.

And she's.

I can't thank you enough.

So for me, it's always about getting the results with a client or the girl.

I just trained Lexi, and now she's, like, gonna be super awesome as a therapist.

I'm just gonna keep working with her.

Doing some online stuff.

Was doing some online stuff tomorrow night.

I just keep working with her, keep training until she starts getting her own paid clients.

And then she starts to make the money that she's invested into my course by getting that, you know, by getting paid clients.

And the last guy trained Mike before Lexi, Mike, who was an ex headmaster of a school, actually, who come out of it because he was disenfranchised with the way the school system worked, trained him.

He's now paid back his course.

He's now into profit.

So that was six months ago.

He done his practice and training with me.

He's now paid his course back and he's now into profit.

For me, that gives me such a sense of achievement, because if you don't do it on a business level, you're never going to be able to sustain it.

And you can give this stuff away for free, but you'll never.

There will be those chances to work with people where they can't afford it and you offer it to them.

But from my lesson has been, whenever you give away for free, people don't value it, and then you end up wasting your energy.

Hope I come across too negative, but my journey has been very, very hard.

It hasn't been a barrel of laughs, to be honest.

Okay.

Coming back to you mentioned the soul side of things and the past lives.

And for a soldier, that would come across to most people as an unlikely find, if you like, how did you come across that and how did you know?

How does that integrate within HMTH?

Well, because I got in through the spiritual world anyway, because it was through the spiritualist church that gave me my original training.

And also the stuff I learned through the Reiki healing and all that lot.

It kept me safe throughout this journey.

When I did all my therapy on my master, no, my trainer's training, I sort of rejected growing up as a Catholic and going to a catholic school, I rejected my spirituality.

And when I.

When I did my breakthrough one night, I had to let go of some real big stuff.

And it was, say what you like, but Jesus came to me.

I saw an image of Jesus, my image of Jesus.

Whether that's true to anyone else, it doesn't matter.

But for me, it was real.

And he came in and he hugged me and I cried.

I sobbed, I sobbed holding him.

And for me, it was like the only thing that could shift that was hanging around me was, I accept Jesus.

I accept Jesus.

I accept Jesus.

There was no sort of like, you know, not, not pattern that work.

And I had.

The guy that was doing it was a born again Christian who worked in the prison service called.

I can't remember what his name is.

He probably wouldn't want his name mentioned.

But I just kept saying to him, say the Lord's prayer.

He was saying the Lord's prayer.

I was saying, I accept Jesus.

That was anything that shifted.

The thing that was, was what was attached to me, which felt like some deepest demonic energy.

And I'd worked with.

I've worked a lot with people that have had stuff, you know, worked with a guy that was hearing voices that came back from Afghanistan.

He was a sergeant major in the.

In the army.

And all of a sudden now he's just a wreck going, the voices, the voices and his.

It was like someone was grabbing his head and literally twitched.

Twitch.

And I managed to get him using hypnosis techniques.

I hadn't designed hypnotherapy then, but I managed to get.

Get this thing, what he called the voices, the image of it, and put it on a raft and got him to push the raft out.

This is when I was on helping this charity and he stopped.

He stopped twitching.

He stopped saying the voice.

He said, whatever you've done there, that's.

That's just pulled it.

I said, right, come back tomorrow.

We're going to.

We're going to work on that again.

That night he got pissed up with the CEO of that charity and he didn't bother turning up because he was drunk.

So I got.

That was the thing.

It was like I was.

I was constantly doing, like, great work and then I was like, the people around me, it was almost like they were possessed.

They had shit around like the people from the sea, they did.

And it comes back to my faith.

I've always had a strong faith and I believe in Christ, I believe in God.

I've been in a higher power and that keeps me safe from.

For doing this stuff.

And whenever I'm doing it, I'm using.

Using the power of love and light to help people, you know, clear whatever it is.

Some people don't have any of that stuff.

It's like it's just a case of just doing, you know, a normal clearance of mum dad relationships.

But there's some people that seem to have some really dark shit or what they believe is curses or.

And then I've got to get spiritual.

And that's when whatever's coming through me isn't me.

I just hand over to the big Mandev or big woman, whatever you want to call it, and just whatever comes out.

But it's a for your force, for good.

You're working for, you know, you're working for love and light and you're trying to help somebody.

As long as you do it with love in your heart, you'll never mess anybody up.

When I hear people saying, oh, you know, we got warned not to do this.

If you're doing it with the right intentions, you'll help somebody.

But sometimes you come away and you can feel like, the transference or you can feel.

But for me, what I've always thought about is, like, what?

Go back to Carl Jung, you know, the negative use in others is what's unresolved in yourself.

So if you come away and you're feeling transference or, you know, people say things attached to you, that stuff is in you.

That's the.

That's your shadow work that you've got to work on.

That's the stuff you've got to let go of.

And actually working with someone and you come away feeling worse and like you've taken on their shit.

I like Newton's balls.

Bang.

You hit the ball, and it's like.

It's hit you, and then it's.

It's.

It's dislodged something, and then you're all over the place, and then you got to do some change work on yourself.

Which means whenever I did that, my clients got better.

My practitioners I trained got better.

The more shadow work I did, the better the quality clients I got afterwards.

But when I was in a real bad place, you know, you're only getting your reflections in your mirrors.

Yeah.

And this is what tries to.

Psychiatrists and counselors.

If, like, if your clients are a mess, it's because your world's a mess.

Yeah.

Does it make sense, what I'm saying?

Oh, perception is projection.

What's unresolved in yourself.

And that's the hardest thing to get your head around.

It's like, going, actually.

What?

That's me.

There's something in me.

But that doesn't mean you meet a pedophile when you go, oh, I'm the pedophile?

No, it's the fact of there's some.

There's like, I.

You know, there's some terror.

It lies within you that perhaps you're afraid of someone doing that to your children or something like that.

So the thing is, it's letting go of that so you can then live that perfect.

I believe.

I believe the earth's a school.

We're here to learn.

And now you can be living in an open door prison where you're allowed to go out for the day and like to experience positive things.

But then you've got some people that are sort of in a cage because they're still wild and angry and they've got to be in a maximum insecurity.

So they've created.

They've manifested their own hell.

So we're in an outdoor prison, like me and you are on day release.

We're allowed to go out.

And so that's how I look at it.

You know, it's purgatory, whatever you want to call it.

We're in some sort of, you know, the matrix that we're in.

But if the more shadow work that you do on this planet means you don't have to come back again on the next.

It's.

That's what, that's what.

That's what.

That's just my belief.

I don't know if that's true, but from my experience, this life can be.

I do want to kind of add, just for people listening, that perception, as projection, works the other way, so that, as you say, once you've cleared all your stuff, that the good you see in others is also in you.

So you can't identify something you don't have.

But then you can see that when you've done all your shadow work.

Because I can get up in the morning now and go, oh, my God.

Grateful for my partner.

I'm grateful for my children.

I'm grateful for the house I've got.

I'm grateful for the money it's in my bank.

I'm grateful for the food that's in the cupboard.

And I can go through that checklist.

But I couldn't do that years ago because I was like, oh, what is it?

Oh, no, not there.

What's that happening now?

Why am I going bankrupt and constantly not owning any of it?

Thinking that this has all been put amongst me, but it was all part of the training that I must have said, right, I want this.

I want this training package.

When I come to.

When I come to the earth again.

I remember getting.

I remember getting a tarot reading once, and I don't agree with tarot reading.

I like angel cards because they're positive.

But I got a tarot reading off this guy and he goes, shit, look at that card.

And it was.

It was like a soldier in every single, like, muskets to spears, like, to.

You've come back here every time and become a soldier.

Fucked up and then come back again.

I was like.

And then it was a ball of light.

He goes, oh, you get.

You get it this time.

You get it in this.

In this.

Yes.

But let me.

Let me talk about my films, the stuff that I've.

My art.

If I can talk a little bit.

Yeah, definitely.

That's been my saving grace because I went to art school.

Thank God for that.

Because that, you know, all through my army career, I've always felt like a sort of stifled artist.

I was still drawing when I was in the military and I was still thinking about media.

Started playing in a band, writing songs.

So I've had a varied career in the military, you know, written songs for films, I can't.

I mean, I've had such an interesting life, but, like, sometimes I wish I could have a normal brain where I don't have a brain that has to do all this.

So I started writing film scripts, came out the army.

I wrote the book Soldier of consequence.

Um, that one there, that's the.

The three things that I've been involved in over the last 15 years.

So I got.

I got out, started writing that book there, Soldier of Consequence, which is about my journey through post traumatic stress disorder.

Then I started to work on a documentary with some young filmmakers, which got me into making film.

And what I loved about making film was it covered all.

All of the mediums of art, like music, art, poetry.

And so that film there, diary of a disgraced soldier, is my journey through PTSD.

Now, when I made that, I hadn't discovered therapy.

So it's that if you want to see what I was like before I had any therapy, that is a hard watch that's on Amazon prime.

So I made that film, put it all on a credit card, because the BBC were going to offer me 20,000 pound to make it with them.

And I knew that they were going to make something of just bullshit.

So in the end, I thought, no, I'm going to stick it on a credit card.

I'll make it myself.

They said, oh, you'll never make this film.

There it stands.

History test.

So, finished that film, and then I started to work on.

Came away from the film, concentrated on my therapy, learning the therapy I had about two years out.

And then I started working on this project called the Penitent, which was a fiction film about a soldier.

That.

There's a poster of it there.

Stephen Kelly, he plays the main guy.

His dad was a soldier, so he was perfect cast for it.

Soldier goes through PTSD from the Bosnia war and goes for a horrific journey, but it covers the spirit tournaments.

I didn't put any of my therapy in it.

He just goes through basic counseling and he tries to, you know, conquer his.

His demons from war.

I'd heard about it when I was a kid.

I heard there was a legend that Jesus came to Cornwall.

And then for some reason, this story came to me, which I call the Grail.

There's a.

Not the holy Grail, is it?

That.

That's a prop from the film, but it's not actually.

The Grail was like the bloodline of Christ coming to Cornwall, but not the bloodline of Christ.

But the message is the Grail is the knowledge of healing.

So I started writing that and I had to basically just last five years, commit myself to making it in my own time with a load of actors.

And we're now 40 for 47 minutes in.

So we've nearly got an hour film, and then we're going to make it as three films about the legend that Jesus came to Cornwall.

And it's been an amazing journey, but the whole film has just been made in stages.

I get these, I get these little bit, I get these little.

So I do storyboards, I get these images that come through and I.

I just draw it out.

And then it's amazing how when you draw stuff, this is a great technique if you ever wanted to do manifestation is draw.

See yourself, draw yourself, draw the images.

And when I.

When.

When I'm making a film, when you see people in front of you that are learning, they learn your lines, they're acting and they, and they act out the little pictures that you drew.

It's bizarre.

Bizarre experience.

I do paintings, so I do paintings of the scenes and I've done like, like, so I do like these.

This painting of Christ walking on water, just working at the moment.

And now there's this scene where some guy gets his kid, his kid gets killed by a roman soldier.

And it's.

It's a bizarre film.

It's.

I was watching it the other day.

What I'll do is I'll send you the first 47 minutes I've edited.

And it's bad.

You need headphones to watch it, but it's just, I just wish I sometimes I wish I had a normal brain.

I wish I just like, oh, God, why am I making films?

Why am I doing that?

And then I do my fishing.

I got me fishing where I go oyster fishing and clams.

Today I was picking clams on the beach and mussels on the beach and.

And then I drop it off a place where they weigh it in and I get paid for it.

And.

But when I'm doing that, I get my best ideas when I'm searching for clams with a little rake on the sand.

And I just like.

And I'm in nature and I look, this is.

I pretty much got life right now exactly where I've always wanted it.

And I thought today, I thought if I was a millionaire, if I was a multi, would I still go out and pick clams?

And.

Yeah, I would.

I absolutely love it.

I love foraging on the beach.

It's been a big storm and it's pushed all the clams up the beach and the oysters, so it's easy to find them.

It's like when it's cold and wet and I've got my little hood up and there's water running down my back, but you feel that connection with the elements.

And interesting enough, where I go, where I go to the rose and pick my oysters and my mussels.

That's the legend.

Where the Jesus boat came in with Joseph Arama fear, and he came ashore and there's a church has been built specially for.

This is the legend goes.

Yeah, yeah, I've got a book on it, but I've not read it because I don't want to be influenced.

I want to channel this stuff.

And the way I've been making it and all the actors are just coming up that it's like their, their linguistics when they come out, it's like we're being transported back in time and being shown something that may have happened.

Yeah.

So anyway, calming down now.

I've got all my.

And that's where I am at the moment.

Just wait.

Like making my third film.

Okay.

Well, the podcast is called choosing Happy.

And the reason I called it choosing happy is, as you know, perception is projection.

And that ultimately everything is a choice.

How we see it, how we choose to change our perception.

So where you are now, as you, as you said, do you believe you're happy?

You've chosen happy.

You've found that you've made the choices that have got you to where you are today.

I feel where I'm at now is pretty much as perfect as I've.

I could have got it from, from, you know, what was, what was rattling around my brain today was, if you do what, do what you've always done, you always get what you've always got.

If you do what you've always done, you always get what you've always got.

That kept going around.

I need to make that as a meme or one of those things.

If you do what you've always done, you always get what you've always got.

So I'm constantly like, when I was in the, in the military, the thing that was saying we stuff in the army, which was in Northern Ireland, never set a pattern, because if you set a pattern, that's when the terrorist will take you out.

And.

And it was like the presence of the normal, absence of the normal.

And if you do, if you ever did the same thing twice, you could get blown up.

That's how serious it is, right?

So what I tried to do now is, even if it's driving the route, go a different way, take a different route.

Like sometimes there's like a back lane that you're driving along and you're going, do you know what?

I don't know where that goes.

Just drive down it.

You might have been met with the combine harvest.

When you wave the reverse all the way back, it doesn't matter.

Just constantly change, change.

Do your shadow work.

And everyone is work in progress.

I'm working progress.

Your work in progress.

The minute you think that you've got this nailed, someone's going to come along and push out your comfort zone.

But I think the people that are in their comfort zones, these multi, multi billionaires, that no one challenges them, everyone blows smoke up their ass, tells them how great they are.

Absolutely billionaires, right?

But are they happy?

You've got to have people in your life that push you and tell you, now you're talking shit there.

Like my partner, you're waffling shit now, because if you don't, you're, you're going to think your ego is going to get so big.

What was it Doctor Wayne Dye used to say about ego edging God out?

Ego stands for edging God out.

And I think the minute you start to think that you, I think also.

If you look at where we are now in terms of the transition of the planet that we're going through, if you look from Kali Yuga to sat Yuga, that that's where we're so in danger of either being taken over by your ego or making the choice, the conscious choice, as you say, to step into Christ consciousness.

Yeah.

And away from that.

And I think that's really something key that's happening at the moment.

Do you think?

I feel this is the great awakening and everybody is now, like now.

It's like now how quickly that everyone's waking up to Keir Starmer and you know how quick.

And you think, oh, my God, this is happening so fast now.

Look at the prime ministers we're turning over like, shit, get rid of him.

Shit, get rid of him.

Shit.

And it's like everyone's like the most, the most mainstream people, like labor voters that could be so staunch, like, oh, you know, Guardian reading, champagne sipping, like, sorry to say, like this, but you know, really liberal people who are lovely people, all the great intentions, right?

But they're starting to see now that, you know, you've got these idiots in, now that, you know, that we need a system.

It's SOCO completely different.

And I think it's going to come from the younger generation.

They're going to go, what.

What are these?

We're, like, hanging on, like, we got to keep these old systems, but, like, the roofing, come up with something simple, something strange.

I think we have to come.

Come back to, like, as you've said, I think it has to come back to everyone taking responsibility for their own lives fully in order that we can create something new, because a lot of people are still waiting for someone to.

To save us, and it's not going to happen.

Everything has to crumble before something new can be born.

And that's going to put a lot of people into shock as we go through this, because we haven't got that agency.

Yeah, well, look at.

Look what the vaccines have done.

I mean, how many people you've seen dying early because of these vaccines, because of these, you know, this poison that they've put into people and, like, people like my parents that bless them, you know, they'll take whatever.

The NHS has become like a religion.

It's become like a religion.

What was my cult telling me to do?

I must stick another jab into my arm.

I need this for polio.

I need this for this and this.

And I got to take a jab for this.

And there's going to be.

So, I mean, has it ever been this many vaccines?

Ever?

No.

You know, you've got doctor deaf.

What's he going to hit?

Doctor Hilary Jones every morning, prescribing his day of daily gloom, and you're going, mate, how can you live yourself?

How can you possibly call yourself a doctor?

To do no harm, to do now?

I swear to do no harm.

God, you've done more harm than you know.

And people like my mum would rather listen to Lorraine Kelly than flipping yourself inside your heart.

Like, we're in such.

We're in such a great time for people to do stuff to come through.

I mean, I think what's happening in America, you can say what you want about Trump, but that RFK is like, you know, he's just done a deal with Trump and said, look, I want to come in, I want to change the dietary system of our children.

Like, we don't want, you know, like, you say what you want about Trump, but it takes somebody like Trump, who's got the massive ego to take on the system of the Illuminati, the deep state, those people.

He's got to be somebody like Trump.

Don't agree with everything he says, but it's got to be someone of that nature to take on.

Was it, you need to match that energy and he has that sort of aggressive energy to take that on and they can't stand him.

You know, the deep state, all of those presidents going right back.

So we're in a.

I think once.

I think once Trump gets in, and I think, I'm not saying he's going to be, you know, that, but he's going to shut down the Ukraine war.

I mean, millions, they reckon a million people have died in that war.

Yeah.

I mean, I'm a frontline soldier.

Bayonet in each other at close call that, that we look back at the first war go, oh, my God, I can't believe they did that.

That shit's happening now.

Child trafficking is happening now.

Slavery is happening now.

Let's just talk about slavery from the 18 hundreds.

No, let's talk about the slavery.

It's going on now.

Let's talk about, like, your puff daddies and stuff and what they're doing to children and that in the state, all of that shit is coming to an end.

All of it.

And all your idols and all the people that you thought of the celebrity world, you know?

Yep.

Like my films, right, my films, they won't be shown on, I know, Amazon prime and stuff like that, but they're too real.

They're too real.

I couldn't get into one UK film festival, but I got into, like, film festivals all around the world, but not one UK film festival because of the agendas that being pushed.

Yeah.

I mean, the.

I think, you know, as you, as you said that you went through a load of stuff and I did as well.

I think, personally, I'm taking it, you know, everything is a plan and for me, it's like an apprenticeship for what's meant to happen to help people, as it's already happening this week.

This week.

Then the stuff that's coming out about child trafficking and chrome and stuff is, you know, it's coming out.

And that takes some getting your head round.

Yeah.

And also the witnesses, the people to do it, because they're fearful of the retribution from these big higher powers that are connected with this stuff.

You know, it's like, you know, when I spoke out in dire of a disgraced soldier, when I was speaking out against the Iraq war and stuff like that, you know, I was.

I was fearful of my family being targeted, you know, or being suicided, if you like, you know?

Yeah.

Because whenever you do speak out, you do have those level of fears.

And what happened to Jeffrey Epstein or what probably gonna happen to puff Daddy in the next few weeks when they realize he's gonna blow the lid on all of these, they're probably cutting medill, realize he's gonna sing like a canary, and they'll end up.

He already has because of the stuff that's already coming out.

I think he already has.

Yeah.

But then it's like, how safe is he in the prison system?

Like Jeffrey Epstein?

The thing is, you know, this is the biggest organization of corruption in it.

And it's interesting because people say, is it the work of the devil?

And like, when I've been making this film grail, we're gonna have a.

Where Lucifer come.

Like, Lucifer comes in and speaks to Joseph Aramafia.

And when we wrote the script, or when me and Jordan talked about the script, how.

How do we approach the Lucifer that's in this film and the way that Lucifer talks to Joseph?

Because Joseph's like, why am I going through these trials?

What?

He's like, basically saying, why am I going through all this stuff?

And basically what Lucifer's saying to him is, you create your own hell on this earth.

He just runs the game.

He runs the game.

And all of this stuff is perpetrated by man.

It's like what you mentioned.

It's choice points.

It's options.

Do you come here and are you an absolute bastard?

Or do you come here and you play the game fair and you take only what you need to take?

Because you come here with nothing, you leave with nothing, you know?

And it's like the way that the Lucifer in our film is, he's a fallen angel, and he's been given to this purgatory, whatever we want to call this Earth plane, to run.

And on it, he just says, he just facilitates the game if you look at it.

And I don't know if that's true.

That's just the interpretation that we've put into Grail.

And, like, I can't wait to see Grail back in its entirety, because when I made penitent, like, when I made it, I tried to.

The story was channeled through me.

So every bit that came through, when I watched it back afterwards, oh, my God.

Like, you know, when he's walking up the steps and he's going up, like he's going up to.

To going to kill this.

He's going to go out and take revenge.

And he's walking up the steps.

There's these little angels that were on the steps that were made out of little.

And I didn't notice it until we filmed, like, after we'd filmed it.

And he falls down on the steps and there's these little angels made out of little bits of broken, broken tiles, and they're all the way dotted up the steps.

And there's all these little, there's these little things that only now I see in the film that are after, oh, my God.

Those little synchronicities.

I didn't, I didn't put them in there intentionally, you know, and numbers and things that are there, numerology and stuff like that.

And I was like, wow, that something was speaking for some higher power was speaking to, like, through this film, the penitent.

And, um, yes, it's an interesting film.

Be interesting to see if, uh, in the future how it sort of, how it's sort of, um, viewed, but, um.

Oh, no, I just, I'm just very blessed, you know, I'm very blessed to have a lovely family.

That's what I try to do.

I try to help other people have what I have.

I think if you can do that, then that's a special gift.

It's like, just try and help people get what you.

That you have.

You know?

I've worked on my own shadow work and my own jealousies.

Whenever I looked at someone in life and gone, do you know what?

I'm really jealous of that person, or I don't like.

And I've had to have that conversation with myself.

Queen.

I can't believe I'm thinking or feeling like that.

More shadow work, more change work.

You know, it's like I say to a couple, if you want to have a loving relationship, you've got to first look at a loving relationship.

Oh, isn't that sweet?

But mean it from your heart.

But if you don't feel it, how can you ever have that in yourself?

You're feeling like, oh, bastards, how come they've got it all?

Or when you see someone with lots of money and you go, oh, but, like, you're jealous of that.

The thing is, how could you ever amass the money that you want to put yourself in a, in a position where.

So I'm thinking at the moment, I want to manifest to be mortgage free in the next few years, because the actual how, how much more positive work I could do if I didn't have that, that chain around my neck of being tied to bricks and mortar.

You know, how much more, how more effective I could be for the universe?

So, universe, get this mortgage pay, and I'll work for free.

I work, I work even harder, you know, because I'll have more energy.

But we know putting that into just like that rap race, trying to, when you're doing that, when you're just treading water and you're just trying to stay afloat, keeping your head up, you know.

Yeah.

But then would, would you, would if that was all taken away from you, would you?

I can't bother, though.

I've made it.

I was thinking about this the other day, actually, and I think, yeah, I would, because it's just the way I'm made.

I just.

Yeah, no, it's not learning and teaching and help him.

I've been helping this oysterman at the moment, and it's like, I sit in there every day and I can't do any of this therapy stuff with him because he's completely autistic.

Lovely guy, works his ass off, but there's this conflict between him and the people that buy his oysters.

And he was just getting all of his anger out towards them.

And I was just sitting there and I thought, there's no way I can do any NLP with him when he hit.

And I just had to sit there and suck it up and listen to it.

And I was like, he made me.

I thought, right, he's made me a lovely coffee.

So I'm sat here and I'm thinking, I'm getting a lovely coffee, maybe a hot milk, and I'm drinking that, and I was just gonna, I'm not gonna absorb any of his stuff.

And I was just looking at him and he's going, he goes, oh.

He goes.

But then he started going, oh, you're an ex soldier.

Can I not hire you to assassinate them?

Jokingly joking.

And I was laughing or, no, I said, I said, what's the out, what's.

I did use a bit of energy.

I said, look, what, what's the outcome of all this?

What, how do we, how, what's the compromise in this situation?

That's what I said to him.

What's the compromise?

What do you want from, you know, I just used some subtle NLP.

I couldn't, like, go into an intervention with him getting to let go all his anger towards, like, his, his mum and dad and these people that.

But these gifts that we have, they come with great responsibility, didn't they?

And that girl I've just trained, Lexi, she's like, oh, my God, I can heal the world with this.

And that's how I felt.

And then you suddenly get the universe puts you right back in your place.

Yeah.

You're only human.

You can only do so much.

Yep.

You see, go through a whole learning of where you can't help, where your limits are.

Do you think that's that?

I think that's the hardest thing to get your head around is you can't help everybody.

Don't you think?

Heather?

It's like, almost like you, if you're a good person, you want the best for everyone, even people that you dislike slightly, you want the best for everyone.

But actually, that's just not possible.

And it's like having to know when to just stop helping people and setting boundaries and going.

Actually, my energies needs to be used somewhere else.

The biggest learning is letting someone else have their learning.

Yeah.

Because we're all here for our own journeys.

And sometimes as a helper, you want to.

You're taking away that learning by kind of enabling them in a different way.

And sometimes they need more pain.

They haven't had enough pain.

And you actually, by pulling back and go, do you know what?

You need some more pain in this area because.

Because you're only delaying the inevitable.

But the ones that you help as well, and, like, they don't have the emotional intelligence to realize that you helped them until you're long gone and you.

And, like, you've blocked them and you don't want nothing to do with them ever again.

And they go, no, actually, I realized what you did for me there.

Yeah, but that's okay.

That's part of the journey, isn't it?

It is.

Have you got any questions for me just before we wind up or.

Just the final question that I ask everyone is, as we're winding up, is there any last thoughts that comes to you that you want to share about this journey?

About your journey?

I just think if you can enjoy this trip while you're on it, it can be as long and painful if you want it, or it can be as fun and exciting as you want it to be, you know, and to just be in the now and appreciate the here and now and don't waste his time.

Don't waste this time, you know?

Do not waste his time.

There's.

There's so much more to be done and crammed in.

And every day I wake up, I think, right, what?

Right, what can I fill your diary with?

Little things of constantly set goals.

It's when you run out of those goals and patience and be.

And be patient.

That's been the hardest thing I've ever to learn because I'm not a patient person by, like, my films take a long time to come out and we have no money to make them, but they just evolve and they come out.

And then, like, when I look at these, these, I just look at that and I'm just so proud of that.

To get like, that's got my music in it, it's got my art and it's got everything.

And you're collaborating, collaborating with some amazing people.

There's so many amazing actors out there that would just, you know, I appreciate.

Not everyone can make a film, but, but everyone has a book in them.

So if we take that, everyone has a book in them.

So if you get a chance to start writing on your book, no matter what it is, get it into a.

Get it into a book, write a film script, write a poem.

What is it?

Harry de Silver.

I got to talk about Harry de Silver.

I go, Harry de Silva said, in life, you die twice.

The first time you die is when you physically die.

The second time is when people stop talking about you.

Yeah.

Right.

Yeah.

So don't die with your music left in you.

You know what, and be a good person, because when you, when you, when this time is up, how will people talk about you?

Yeah.

And then one last one.

This was a real good one, which I love, right?

The thing I've learned in life, there's the three types of souls, right?

Three types of souls.

You got new souls who come into this world and you can see them, they're like, they're really naive.

Sometimes they'll walk out in front of traffic.

They've got caring, the world and I.

Right, new souls.

Right.

Then you've got old souls who are wise people like yourself, you can learn from.

You can always get a new bit of information from there.

They're look after you, they guide you.

And then you've got assholes and there's nothing you can do.

There's nothing you can do with an asshole.

And that's how we're going to end it tonight.

New souls, old souls and assholes.

Don't take yourself too seriously.

Yeah, definitely that.

So.

Thank you, Mark, thanks.

Been a pleasure.

Thank you so much for taking the time to listen to this week's episode.

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