Synopsis:

Listen to Jenny Butter’s story and learn how she and her husband navigate family life and his frequent work travel. She begins her married life leaving her job and accompanying her husband to Sri Lanka right after the Tsunami hits in 2004. He travels around the country and the region but she is surrounded by other spouses in the same situation. A little while later, they move to New York and have two children born a few months apart. Although culturally New York is closer to her home culture, and Jenny is a go-getter, her husband is still travelling and she feels lonely. Jenny reflects on how she was raised with a father who travelled and that it felt normal to be living a similar family set-up.  

Jenny's Words of Wisdom:

Different marriages normals

“I can remember one of my friends once saying to me, “does Jan actually exist? Because we've never met him.” I would go and see my friend when Jan was traveling, because when he was home, we could have that couple time. She was in a marriage where they were always together. They did everything together. They visited people together. I'd never really perceived her norm. She hadn't perceived my norm. And both can be normal, depending on your relationship, you know, I didn't see mine as abnormal. It's just the way it was, because that was a model of my parents."

You can be both strong and lonely sometimes

"I'm a doer, I'm capable, I just get on with it. But there was one instance where I remember just, like, crying in relief because he told me he wasn't going to Japan because I'd sort of, like, held it together for three weeks when he'd been somewhere else, and it was for a couple of days, then go off somewhere, I was like, oh, thank you. You're not going. I hadn't realized just how hard I was finding it up until that point when the relief just went through me. The fact, actually he wasn't going away again, that he would be home for a couple of weeks."

Reentering workforce

When I was in radio, it was all social action broadcasting. So it helped people move forward, change their lives in whatever way that would be, getting them out of domestic violence or laying a new skill or raising money. So then I retrained to be a coach, but it worked out really well because I could do it from home. When my children in school and they were young, so they'd be in bed for seven, I could do it in the evenings when people had come home from work, So that's how it started. And then I could do face to face when my husband was home. Otherwise it would be online. So I've been doing twelve years now. And so that's why I had the career change, because I had to do something that's flexible to be the full time carer.

Her husband’s involvement now their children are older

So he's very good at texting them or sending them messages and things that they might be interested in. So my daughter's a foodie, so wherever he goes, you know, he'll send her photos of the food he's eaten and, you know, what there is in the local supermarkets and that type of thing. And, you know, my son, he loves, you know, I don't know, words and culture and history, so he might send him, you know, something historical so he, he really thinks about what they're, what they're interested in and, you know, try and send them relevant information.

On choosing split locations or an expatriation

What would the split family location look like (...)? Because I think sometimes it's okay in some seasons and sometimes it's not okay in other seasons. You have to really look at where you are now and think, would this work for us as a family, for our marriage, and as you get older for aging parents, would it work for us in this season of our life? And then going in with the facts and actively choosing it and then knowing what you've chosen and reinforcing those choices.

Her message to new parents

You having an adventure so it can be fun and exciting and making sure you've got things to look forward to, but also being aware that the toll it might take on your emotional mental health and making sure that you have support systems in place for that, either in country or externally. You know, Zoom counseling, Zoom coaching, support network, because it can be hard, it can be lonely, it can be isolating. 

No blame

"I think it's important to keep an open line of communication, to not blame, but to be honest about how you're feeling and talk about it with your spouse and with your partner, with other people. And I think that's why you have to go into any decision with the facts. If at all possible, it's a joint decision. I know some people don't have that because they're sent with work or they need to go because it's the only job that they could get. But within that, if, as much as possible, if it is a joint decision, because there can sometimes be blame involved and anger which doesn't help people settle or be happy. And so I think it's being responsible for yourself and your own emotions and putting in your own support network and structure and knowing that's important because you are a carer for the small children, but then you are also still a wife and a spouse, and that relationship needs nurturing, too."

When he returns from his trips

There's certainly no welcome home parties or celebrations because it is just part of our marriage, our life.

Her concluding remarks

The world is a fun place. It offers so much adventure. When it's hard, it's hard. But when it's wonderful, it's wonderful. Even in the hard times, try and look for the fun, excitement or beauty in your new location because it can just make it a bit easier on those hard days.

Contact Jenny

Jenny Butter

Accredited Master Coach

Web: Epiphany Career & Life Coaching

Book: Book a coaching session

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