For more information on how to control your anger, visit angersecrets.com.

Ever feel like you and your partner are speaking different languages, even when you're in the same room? In this episode, anger expert Alastair Duhs reveals why active listening is the missing link in most relationships, and how mastering it can bring you closer than ever before.

If you’re tired of arguments that go nowhere, this episode offers a better way forward.

Key Takeaways:

-Active listening means being fully present, not planning your reply while your partner is still talking.

-It’s not about winning the conversation; it’s about making your partner feel truly heard and understood.

-Four core skills: Minimal encouragers, open-ended questions, reflecting and positive feedback can transform the way you communicate.

-Simple changes in how you listen can open up emotional connection and reduce defensiveness.

-Practicing these skills builds trust, de-escalates conflict and strengthens your relationship at its core.

Links referenced in this episode:

angersecrets.com — Learn more about anger management

angersecrets.com/training — Watch the free training: Breaking The Anger Cycle

angersecrets.com/course — Enroll in The Complete Anger Management System

Imagine you're having a conversation.

Your partner's mouth is moving, words are coming out, but inside your head, you are not listening.

You're already three steps ahead, crafting the perfect comeback, building your defence or waiting for your perfect moment to jump in.

You hear fragments of what your partner is saying, but the real message, the pain behind the words, the desperate plea for connection, it's lost in the noise of your own thoughts.

And when your turn to speak finally comes, when you finally get to say that perfectly rehearsed response, you watch their face change.

The light goes out of their eyes, the walls go up.

They're done.

And somehow you're both lonelier than when the conversation started.

Sound familiar?

If so, here's the uncomfortable Most of us don't actually listen when our partner talks.

Instead, we strategize.

We defend ourselves.

We wait for our turn to prove we're right.

But what if I told you that everything could change with one simple shift?

Not through clever comebacks or perfect timing, not through winning arguments or being right.

Through something far more powerful and infinitely more rare.

The art of truly listening.

In today's episode, you'll discover how to transform every single conversation in your relationship.

You'll learn the difference between hearing and receiving and between waiting to speak and creating space for truth.

Because when you listen with presence instead of defense, your partner stops attacking and starts sharing.

Walls come down, hearts open up.

And suddenly you're not just talking at each other anymore.

You're finally talking to each other.

Welcome to episode 162 of the Anger Secrets podcast.

I'm your host, Alistair Dues, and for over 30 years I've taught thousands of men and women to control their anger, master their emotions and create calmer, happier and more loving relationships.

If you want help right now to manage your anger, including a powerful free training on how to break the anger cycle, head over to my website, angasecrets.com there's a link to access a free training.

Or if you'd like to talk directly with me, you can also book a free 30 minute anger assessment call.

I look forward to speaking with you.

Ok, with that said, let's dive into today's why active listening could save your relationship.

Lets begin with what is active listening?

Active listening is a way of listening to someone such as your partner, that is focused, attentive and non judgmental.

When you actively listen to your partner, you are fully present and engaged in the conversation.

This means giving them your undivided attention, making eye contact and and showing genuine interest in what they are saying.

Active listening also means keeping the focus of the conversation on your partner no matter what they say.

When I observe couples talking to each other, for example, it is common to see one person interrupting the other or simply waiting for their partner to finish speaking so that they can jump in with their own thoughts.

When this happens, the conversation no longer includes active listening.

Instead, it becomes a competition of who can make their points first or who can be right and prove the other person wrong.

That's why it is so important to understand that active listening is not about winning the conversation or proving your point.

It's about seeking to understand and validate your partner's perspective, even if you disagree with it.

Okay, now that you have a better understanding of what active listening means, let's discuss how to do it.

In my opinion, there are four key skills to become a better active listener.

These skills skill 1 using minimal encouragers skill 2 asking questions skill 3 summarising or reframing and skill 4 giving positive feedback.

Let's look at each one of these skills in more detail.

Using Minimal Encouragers of the four skills I'm about to discuss, using minimal encouragers is perhaps the simplest.

A minimal encourager is a short, simple statement or sound that shows your partner you are listening to them and engaged in the conversation.

Common examples of minimal encouragers include saying things such as yes, I see or go on.

Minimum encouragers can also be non verbal such as nodding your head or maintaining eye contact.

When you use minimal encouragers, you let your partner know you are interested in what they have to say and you encourage them to continue sharing their thoughts and feelings with you.

Asking Questions the second key skill for good active listening is asking questions.

While this may sound simple, I see couple after couple who struggle to ask each other questions during conversations.

Instead, they focus on making their own points or waiting for their turn to speak.

However, asking questions is a crucial part of listening to your partner because it shows that you are genuinely interested in understanding their perspective.

When asking questions, some important points to keep in mind 1.

Make sure your tone behind your questions is non judgmental.

This means avoiding accusatory or defensive tones and avoiding asking questions that are loaded with your own opinions or feelings.

2.

Focus on asking open ended questions rather than closed questions.

As you may know, open ended questions encourage your partner to share their thoughts and feelings in more detail.

While closed questions can often lead to short or one word answers, for example, asking did you have a good day?

Is a closed question.

Instead of asking this, try an open ended question such how was your day?

You will see a profound change in how you and your partner communicate from this simple change in question style 3.

Ask questions about Feelings Many people, especially men, fail to ask their partner about how situations made them feel.

Instead, they generally ask for facts or details about what happened.

Asking your partner about how a situation made them feel will give you a much deeper understanding of what is going on in their world.

Summarising or Reflecting the third skill for active listening is learning to summarise the your partner's words.

This is also known as reflecting.

Summarising involves taking what your partner has said and repeating it in your own words.

This shows that you have truly listened to and understood what your partner has shared with you.

For example, if your partner has expressed frustration about their day at work, you could summarise this by saying something like it sounds like you had a really tough day at work, your boss was being unreasonable and that's made you feel stressed and overwhelmed.

Can you tell me more about this?

Effective summaries not only show your partner that you have listened to and understood their perspective, but also helps your partner to feel heard and validated skill 4 giving positive feedback the final skill of active listening is giving positive feedback.

This involves acknowledging your partner's feelings and experiences in a supportive and non judgmental way.

Some simple ways to share positive feedback with your partner include saying things such I can understand why you would feel that way.

That sounds really tough.

Thank you for sharing that with me or you reacted really well to that situation.

I'm really proud of you.

Giving positive feedback is important because it leaves your partner feeling good and encourages them to share with you in the future.

Ok, the four key skills for active listening.

These using minimal encouragers, asking questions, summarising or reflecting and giving positive feedback.

If you would like more details on these skills, I have an entire module in the Complete Anger Management System dedicated to improving your listening skills.

In this module, I dive much deeper into these skills as well as give you practical exercises and techniques to help you apply these listening skills in your relationship.

Okay, as always, thank you for listening to today's episode.

If this episode was helpful for you, please hit that follow button and leave a quick podcast review.

It helps others find the podcast and it might be the exact thing someone else needs to hear today to help them control their anger once and for all.

And if you're ready to take the next step in controlling your anger, book a free call with me or watch my free training@AngerSecrets.com I look forward to helping you on your journey towards creating a calmer happier and healthier life.

And finally, remember, you can't control other people, but you can control yourself.

I'll see you in the next episode.

Take care.

The Anger Secrets podcast is for general informational purposes only and does not constitute the practice of counseling, psychotherapy, or any other professional health service.

No therapeutic relationship is implied or created by this podcast.

If you have mental health concerns of any type, please seek out the help of a local mental health professional.