It's September 2023, which means ANYTHING GOES in the lead-up to my third one-man show, Here to Make Friends. In this episode of the podcast, my aftershow co-hosts Meaghan Strickland and Claire Favret join me to present the one-man show that could have been: How to Use the Sidewalk Properly.

Sidewalk Commandments

1. You must be willing to shift down to a single file line whenever someone is approaching.
2. If you have odd numbers, take an Uber, or walk at your own risk.
3. If you notice someone coming, you are the alpha in your group.
4. If in a group, merge right to pass someone, and see diagram for oscillating unmerge directions [no diagram given].
5. Going on the grass is a worst case scenario.
6. Stop and Allow: If you are walking in a way that requires you to stop at different points, you must stop and allow yourself to be overtaken.
7. If two couples approach each other both holding hands, they must shout the number of years they have been together at one another, and the couple with the longest tenure may continue holding hands, while the other couple must go single file to pass. Years are the unit of measurement, and in the event of a couple being in a relationship under a year, they must cross their hands over their chests and go single file. This still applies if both couples have been together under a year.
8. Thou shalt not huff.
9. Keep right, pass on the left.
10. When passing a person carrying bags, turn sideways toward them. And when they pass you, do the same, as if you are opening an imaginary door for them.
11. When passing or being passed by a stroller or wheelchair… squish a little.
12. Constant left turning is your right to avoid someone in sight. Good luck, bitch.

Sidewalk Beatitudes

1. Blessed are the complimentary to dogs, for they will inherit freshly paved paths.
2. Favored are those who keep their heads on swivels, for they will be written in the Lord’s book.
3. Blessed are the polyamorous, for they have transcended sidewalks.
4. Blessed are the burden bearers, for they will be at the front of the line when we all know thirst.
5. Blessed are the slow walkers, for they are really taking it all in. Amen.

Patreon supporters make This Is Your Afterlife possible and get awesome bonus episodes, like this. Become an Afterhead at patreon.com/davemaher.

Follow Meaghan on Twitter at @MeaghanStrick and Instagram at @stricklygram.

Follow Claire at @clairefavs on Twitter and Instagram.

Follow me @thisisdavemaher on Twitter and Instagram.

And check out my other podcast, Genre Reveal Party!, where I'm analyzing TV and movies with writer and cultural critic Madeline Lane-McKinley.

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Music = Future: "Use Me" / James Blackshaw: "The Cloud of Unknowing" / Johnnie Frierson: "Miracles"