Shownotes
When your child comes out or shares something vulnerable do you freeze, fumble, or fear saying the wrong thing?
Whether it’s about gender, sexuality, faith, or mental health, what your child is really asking in that moment is, “Can I trust you?” In this essential episode, Heather Hester shares the neuroscience, parenting wisdom, and personal stories behind why believing your child, even without full understanding, can literally save lives.
✔️ Learn 8 powerful tools to communicate belief, safety, and love even when you’re still learning
✔️ Discover how trauma-informed parenting strengthens your child's mental health and self-worth
✔️ Hear why “I believe you” is more powerful than any answer you could give
✔️ Let go of the myth that support requires full comprehension
Identity doesn't need your permission to exist
Press play now to learn how to meet your child’s truth with trust, not fear, and why your belief may be the very bridge that keeps your connection (and their well-being) alive.
Key Takeaways
- Belief doesn’t require full understanding, it requires trust and presence.
- LGBTQ+ youth with one accepting adult are 40% less likely to attempt suicide.
- Pause before reacting: Your calm nervous system is the safety signal your child needs.
- Curiosity over correction is key: Replace “Are you sure?” with “Tell me more.”
- Repair matters more than perfection; own your mistakes with grace and keep growing.
- Every affirming act, like using their name or pronouns, tells your child: “You are safe with me.”
Hi, I’m Heather Hester, and I’m so glad you’re here!
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At the heart of my work is a deep commitment to compassion, authenticity, and transformative allyship, especially for those navigating the complexities of parenting LGBTQ+ kids. Through this podcast, speaking, my writing, and the spaces I create, I help people unlearn bias, embrace their full humanity, and foster courageous, compassionate connection.
If you’re in the thick of parenting, allyship, or pioneering a way to lead with love and kindness, I’m here with true, messy, and heart-warming stories, real tools, and grounding support to help you move from fear to fierce, informed action.
Whether you’re listening in, working with me directly, or quietly taking it all in—I see you. And I’m so glad you’re part of this journey.
More Human. More Kind. formerly Just Breathe: Parenting Your LGBTQ Teen is a safe and supportive podcast and space where a mom and mental health advocate offers guidance on parenting with empathy, inclusion, and open-minded allyship, fostering growth, healing, and empowerment within the LGBTQ community—including lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, and queer individuals—while addressing grief, boundaries, education, diversity, human rights, gender identity, sexual orientation, social justice, and the power of human kindness through a lens of ally support and community engagement.
This podcast uses the following third-party services for analysis:
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Transcripts
In this episode, you'll discover the one reason it is vitally important to believe your child when they tell you who they are.
Speaker A:Welcome to More Human, More Kind, the podcast helping parents of LGBTQ kids move from fear to fierce allyship and feel less alone and more informed so you can protect what matters, raise brave kids, and spark collective change.
Speaker A:I'm Heather Howard.
Speaker A:Tester.
Speaker A:Let's get started.
Speaker A:When your child says, I need to tell you something, they're not testing you.
Speaker A:They're trusting you.
Speaker A:And what you say next can either build a bridge or a wall.
Speaker A:Belief is where safety begins.
Speaker A:By the end of today's episode, you'll understand why believing your child is the core cornerstone of trust and mental health.
Speaker A:You'll learn how fear, bias, and grief can block your ability to listen and how to move through those.
Speaker A:And you'll walk away with specific tools to communicate love and safety when your child shares something vulnerable with you.
Speaker A:And stick around for the unlearn, where we will dismantle the myth that exceed acceptance or even affirmation requires full understanding.
Speaker A:Welcome to More Human, More Kind.
Speaker A:I'm Heather Hester.
Speaker A:Today we're talking about one of the hardest yet most beautiful moments of parenting.
Speaker A:When your child shares a truth that changes what you thought you knew.
Speaker A:This is where love becomes real.
Speaker A:Not in the words we rehearse, but in the space, that space that is between fear and trust, the pause where we choose to believe.
Speaker A:So imagine this scenario.
Speaker A:A child, a teenager or young adult, goes to their parent and they say, I want you to know that I'm gay.
Speaker A:And the parent says, are you sure?
Speaker A:Or I think it must be all the tiktoks that you've been watching, or you are way too young to know that about yourself.
Speaker A:Do any of these scenarios sound familiar?
Speaker A:Did you feel this way or say something similar when your child came out to you, or do you know a parent who has.
Speaker A:When a child tells you who they are, whether it's about gender, sexuality, beliefs, or identity, they're not testing you.
Speaker A:They're trusting you.
Speaker A:This is the moment that can either deepen connection or build a wall.
Speaker A:Let me say that one more time.
Speaker A:When your child tells you who they are, whether it's about their gender identity, their sexual orientation, their faith, their mental health, or their worldview, they're not saying that to spite you or hurt you or throw you into a spiral.
Speaker A:And for you, that moment isn't about having the right response.
Speaker A:It's about whether or not they feel safe enough to.
Speaker A:To tell you again.
Speaker A:Believing them doesn't mean you instantly understand.
Speaker A:It means saying, I'm here and I'm listening.
Speaker A:It's that magical curiosity over judgment, answering with openness instead of fear, and that one sentence of belief versus disbelief can save a life.
Speaker A:Research from the Trevor project found that LGBTQ youth who have at least one accepting adult are 40% less likely to attempt suicide.
Speaker A:They don't need or frankly, they don't want you to be a perfect parent.
Speaker A:And remember, that is completely a fool's errand anyway.
Speaker A:They don't want a room full of experts.
Speaker A:They just want one adult who listens, who stays, and who says, I believe you.
Speaker A:That one adult can be you.
Speaker A:And again, belief doesn't have to come with full comprehension.
Speaker A:Belief is simply a way of saying, even if I don't fully understand yet, I trust that you do.
Speaker A:Think about those words.
Speaker A:I trust that you do.
Speaker A:Telling your child, I trust that you know who you are.
Speaker A:That trust creates what psychologists call felt safety, which is the sense that it's okay to be seen.
Speaker A:Dr. Dan Siegel explains that when kids feel safe, safe, seen, secure, their nervous systems stabilize.
Speaker A:In essence, their insides take a deep breath and they can integrate their experiences Instead of internalizing fear.
Speaker A:When you meet your child's truth with openness instead of anxiety, you become their nervous system's safe harbor.
Speaker A:Your calm says you're not alone.
Speaker A:Your belief says to them, you don't have to earn my love.
Speaker A:Here's the truth.
Speaker A:Identity doesn't need your permission to exist.
Speaker A:It already is.
Speaker A:What it needs, though, is your protection to thrive.
Speaker A:And that starts with belief.
Speaker A:Once again, you don't have to get it to believe it.
Speaker A:You just need to allow the possibility, if only for a moment, to acknowledge that your child may actually know who they are better than you do.
Speaker A:Take one breath before your words and let curiosity lead instead of fear.
Speaker A:That pause might be the most powerful sentence you never say.
Speaker A:Okay, so here's the nitty gritty on what to do when your child opens up.
Speaker A:Whether it's their first disclosure of something to you or one of many evolving conversations.
Speaker A:The first thing you do is to pause your reaction.
Speaker A:When a child shares something vulnerable, your response sets the emotional tone.
Speaker A:So the first thing you want to do is to take a slow, deep breath before saying anything.
Speaker A:Your calm nervous system communicates safety faster than any words do.
Speaker A:Your neurons in your child's brain will register your calmness as permission to relax, helping regulate their stress response as well.
Speaker A:The second thing you do is to reflect what you've heard.
Speaker A:Say something like thank you for telling me that took courage.
Speaker A:A simple reflection signals validation.
Speaker A:It says, I see you.
Speaker A:You are not analyzing or fixing.
Speaker A:You are affirming their bravery.
Speaker A:Validation tells your child that their truth matters.
Speaker A:Dr. Lisa Dumour's research shows that validation, not agreement, is what builds emotional safety between parents and teens.
Speaker A:I'm going to say that one more time.
Speaker A:Validation, not agreement, is what builds emotional safety between parents and teens.
Speaker A:The third thing that you're going to do is to stay curious, not corrective.
Speaker A:Replace why or how?
Speaker A:Do you know or Are you sure?
Speaker A:With Tell me more.
Speaker A:Asking why puts them on the defensive.
Speaker A:Tell me more invites conversation.
Speaker A:It's open and nonjudgmental.
Speaker A:You don't need to understand everything at once.
Speaker A:You only need to stay open and available.
Speaker A:Saying things like that sounds important to you.
Speaker A:Can you help me understand what it means?
Speaker A:Or I want to make sure I get this right.
Speaker A:How would you like for me to talk about it?
Speaker A:The fourth thing that you're going to do is to name your love explicitly.
Speaker A:Don't assume that they know I don't know how to say this more clearly.
Speaker A:Say I love you exactly as you are.
Speaker A:Say it again.
Speaker A:Say it when you're learning.
Speaker A:Say it when they're unsure.
Speaker A:Say it until your voice becomes their internal monologue.
Speaker A:The Family Acceptance Project found that affirming parental behaviors, listening, using correct names and pronouns, and expressing pride, all of those behaviors directly correlate with higher self esteem and lower depression rates in LGBTQ youth.
Speaker A:Every single I love you becomes data their brain uses to define safety.
Speaker A:The fifth thing you're going to do is to seek education, not validation.
Speaker A:Learn on your own time.
Speaker A:Read.
Speaker A:Listen to this podcast.
Speaker A:Ask trusted experts.
Speaker A:It's not your child's responsibility to educate you.
Speaker A:Your willingness to do the work tells them you're not a project I'm trying to fix.
Speaker A:You're a person I want to understand.
Speaker A:The sixth thing you're going to do is to hold space for complexity.
Speaker A:Your child might still be figuring things out, and that's okay.
Speaker A:Your role isn't to rush their clarity.
Speaker A:It's to be their safety tree while they discover it.
Speaker A:When they change language, identity, or expression, meet it with grace.
Speaker A:Thank you for sharing that update.
Speaker A:I'm honored you trust me with it.
Speaker A:Identity development is nonlinear, especially during adolescence.
Speaker A:Research from the American Psychological association shows that affirming evolving identities supports long term emotional resilience.
Speaker A:The seventh thing you're going to do is to repair when needed.
Speaker A:When you fumble.
Speaker A:Not if you fumble, but when you fumble.
Speaker A:Own it quickly.
Speaker A:I'M sorry that I said that wrong.
Speaker A:Thank you for correcting me.
Speaker A:Any statement Taking genuine accountability will work.
Speaker A:Repair builds more trust than perfection ever could.
Speaker A:The eighth thing that you are going to do is to remember that you are their mirror.
Speaker A:Your child learns how lovable they are by watching how you respond to their truth.
Speaker A:Every time you meet their identity with respect, you etch a new truth into their memory that says Love can handle all of me.
Speaker A:When Connor first came out to me, I thought that I needed to have all of the answers right away.
Speaker A:I wanted to fix the fear in his eyes, and perhaps in my own as well.
Speaker A:But what I've learned is that belief isn't about certainty.
Speaker A:It's about trust and having the courage to put all of our own stuff aside, to step into the known, to acknowledge our child as a being who is separate from ourselves, one with autonomy and the internal wisdom to know who they are.
Speaker A:In those first conversations, my voice, my body shook all the time.
Speaker A:I didn't know the right language.
Speaker A:But somewhere in the midst of all of that, at some point, I said the one thing that mattered to him.
Speaker A:Thank you for trusting me.
Speaker A:In that moment.
Speaker A:He knew that he was safe, no matter what was to come.
Speaker A:I heard him.
Speaker A:I saw him.
Speaker A:I believed him.
Speaker A:Over time, I've realized that love, especially in moments like that, isn't a declaration.
Speaker A:It's a practice.
Speaker A:It is the late night, I'm still here, the gentle correction when someone misgenders them, the quiet listening when they change pronouns again.
Speaker A:The steady reminder that who they are isn't an inconvenience.
Speaker A:It's a gift of trust.
Speaker A:And yes, oh my gosh, of course I've gotten things wrong.
Speaker A:But each repair has taught me that what matters most isn't perfection.
Speaker A:It's the willingness to see them, to believe them, to continue growing my capacity to hold whatever may come.
Speaker A:Our kids don't need flawless parents.
Speaker A:They need ones they can trust.
Speaker A:When you choose to see the beauty in the messiness, to not just sit but grow through your own discomfort, your child learns that love can hold complexity.
Speaker A:And that belief, even in the in between, is the bridge that keeps connection alive.
Speaker A:This week, try one small act that communicates belief.
Speaker A:It could be leaving your child a note that says, I love watching you become who you are.
Speaker A:It could be changing their name in your phone to the one that they have chosen.
Speaker A:It could be asking them how they'd like you to share about them with family this holiday season.
Speaker A:Each gesture, no matter how small, tells their nervous system you are loved and you are safe with me.
Speaker A:Today's Unlearned is about letting go of the idea that belief requires complete understanding.
Speaker A:We've been told if you don't understand it, you can't support it.
Speaker A:But that's not how love works.
Speaker A:Love isn't comprehension.
Speaker A:It's compassion.
Speaker A:It's a verb.
Speaker A:What if belief sounded like I don't have all the language, but I trust you.
Speaker A:I might need to learn, but I will never stop showing up.
Speaker A:And even I trust you when you tell me who you are.
Speaker A:That kind of belief changes everything because it tells your child their truth.
Speaker A:Doesn't have to shrink to fit your comfort.
Speaker A:This week, practice saying one of these out loud.
Speaker A:Thank you for helping me see the world through your eyes.
Speaker A:I believe you.
Speaker A:I'm still learning.
Speaker A:And I'm with you.
Speaker A:Words like these become anchors your child will return to long after the conversation ends.
Speaker A:When we unlearn the myth that love must understand before it accepts, we open the door to a deeper kind of safety.
Speaker A:The kind that says you don't have to prove who you are.
Speaker A:I believe you.
Speaker A:Thank you for being here, for choosing courage over comfort and curiosity over certainty.
Speaker A:Remember, when your child shares who they are, they're not asking for perfect responses.
Speaker A:They're asking you to fully see them in that moment.
Speaker A:You don't have to have every answer.
Speaker A:You just have to believe them.
Speaker A:If this episode spoke to you, share it with another parent, teacher, or friend who might need to hear these words.
Speaker A:And remember that new episodes of More Human, More Kind drop every Tuesday and Friday, so make sure to follow and subscribe so you never miss one.
Speaker A:And if you're ready to release fear, shame, or outdated patterns in your own life, I'm accepting a few private clients right now.
Speaker A:You can learn more at morehumanmorekind.
Speaker A:Com.
Speaker A:Until next time.
Speaker A:Breathe, believe, and remember, your love can be the safe place someone needs to come home to Sam.
