Welcome back to Dont get this Twisted

In this episode, Robb and Tina discuss the complexities of life challenges, particularly focusing on caregiving and the emotional toll of divorce. They explore the importance of communication in relationships, the necessity of peeling off the band-aid when it comes to difficult conversations, and the journey of self-reflection and healing post-divorce. The conversation emphasizes the need for kindness and honesty during transitions, and the importance of finding closure and moving forward in a healthy way.

Explicit

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This podcast and website represent the opinions of Robb Courtney and Tina Garcia and their guests to the show and website. The content here should not be interpreted as medical advice or any other type of advice from any other type of licensed professional. The content here is for informational purposes only, and because each person is so unique, please consult your healthcare or other applicable licensed professional with any medical or other related questions. Views and opinions expressed in the podcast and website are our own and do not represent that of our places of work. While we make every effort to ensure that the information, we are sharing is accurate, we welcome any comments, suggestions, or correction of errors. Privacy is of the utmost importance to us. All people, places, and scenarios mentioned in the podcast have been changed to protect confidentiality. This website or podcast should not be used in any legal capacity whatsoever, including but not limited to establishing “standard of care” in a legal sense or as a basis for expert witness testimony related to the medical profession or any other licensed profession. No guarantee is given regarding the accuracy of any statements or opinions made on the podcast or website. In no way does listening, reading, emailing, or interacting on social media with our content establish a doctor-patient relationship or relationship with any other type of licensed professional. Robb Courtney and Tina Garcia do not receive any money from any pharmaceutical industry for topics covered pertaining to medicine or medical in nature. If you find any errors in any of the content of this podcast, website, or blogs, please send a message through the “contact” page or email DGTTwisted@gmail.com. This podcast is owned by "Don’t Get This Twisted,” Robb Courtney.

And welcome to another show of Don't Get This Twisted. I am Rob along with my co-host as always, Tina. How you doing, Tina?

I am so tired Rob, but I'm here. We're doing this.

Do you look like you're dragging the behind? For sure. Yeah, I getcha, I getcha. Hey,

dragon ass yeah for sure yeah yeah dad asked him for me to take him to the doctor woke me up super early with butt calls he hasn't been feeling good you know normal stuff just have to pick up what he can't

Yeah, you know, I think you're in a you're in a tough spot these days for sure And that's putting it super lightly if people who really know you so, you know You know life, you know, we got no one told us about this shit. I wish they would have really told us

Yeah, that's what you gotta do.

Mm-hmm.

I think I was always told, because this is the house that everybody came to for support or help or to hide. So we were always helping somebody here or health-wise. I took care of both my grandmother's, my grandfather, my uncle was here, he died here. A bunch of people, so I know what to expect. It's just different when I'm the only one doing it.

Mm-hmm.

You know, my brother comes over and he helps with dinner and the dishes and stuff. That helps tremendously. But if dad needs to go to the doctor, if he's sick, if he's can't, you know, he's got a port now that he can't get wet. So that has to be sealed before he could even get in the shower. It's just a lot of, um, a lot of work, you know, and it, it pisses him off and

then he's not happy and then he's apologizing. I'm like, please don't apologize. Let me just get this done and let's be done with this. So yeah, it's been one of those situations, but I mean, we're doing it, but the six o'clock, but dialing to me freaking out thinking, is he having a stroke because of the medicine or is he having, you know, that's kind of scary. So I've had to bend him. It had to be on my toes quite a bit.

Right.

Excuse me.

But I'm also preparing for the powwow with my basket. So that's in a week and a half. And when I'm not taking care of dad or at work, that seems to be what I'm doing. So keeps me keeps me balanced. Yeah, my cousin came over and she's like, give me your phone. And she took care of some things because I just don't you know what? I'm the worst with social media, with posting. I'm not.

Right, right. I actually saw you posted that.

Always a talent, Tina, always a talent.

I don't know, it's just not my thing. actually she's gotten really good with give me your phone and then she does things and hands it back to me and I'm good. It looks like I did it.

You know, I am very good at what I do and I could do a shit ton of things that nobody else can, artistic-wise, but hand me anything technical and I'm like, what do want me to do with it? I'll just stand there holding it because I don't even know where to start most of the time. It took me, two years just to get this set up on the computer.

Yeah, thankfully that that's that's over now.

Yeah, now I got it, but it took me about two years so that we could do a podcast without you troubleshooting my computer. That's okay. Nobody can make a basket that I know. But what's up with you? Excuse me.

Exactly, a whole lot of everything, but you know, baby steps. Everything's baby steps. My arm is my arm is still not working the way it's supposed to. So.

Yeah. I hear that.

Are you on track for it to be?

yeah, I mean, I've it's been eight weeks now and I can only they're only allowing me to lift as much as a coffee cup Yeah, I mean I was doing it left-handed before so I guess it's but it is nice that I'm I have way more range of motion but I told a girl I went to physical therapy last week and there you know, they asked me all kinds of questions every time now like hey, how's this and

Well at least you get your coffee in.

Can you move it this way and they're like, I go, hey, my sleep is horrible. the girl, I mean, great physical therapist. She's really fun. She goes to me and she goes, I need to tell you something. Your sleep probably won't be good for another six to eight months. She's like, that's the last thing that comes. I was like, you serious? She's like, yep. Like, awesome. Good times, good times.

Tina (04:41.368)

Hmm. Hmm. Interesting.

Hey, we were talking off the air about lovely things to talk about and we were talking about peeling off band-aids of things in life and we know people in our lives that are either going through or should be going through divorce. And we were talking about like how difficult it

You

was, because obviously both of us have been through such things, and about how hard it is to either peel off the Band-Aid or be the one who the Band-Aid is on. Which is what I was, you know, I didn't know it was coming. I probably should have, but I didn't. So because I'm, I look at people out there right now who it's very difficult to peel the Band-Aid off and

hurt people, right? Because these people have been in our lives for quite a bit, at least in some cases. I guess if you were, if you're under a year and you're just trying to get into the old luck that the band-aid should be quite easy to fucking get off, right? Just all done, like let's be done. But I think once you get to like a 10 year relationship, whether it's 10 years of marriage or four and six like mine was, you know,

10 years is a long time. And then if you throw in children, then it really kind of mixes things up and you're kind of all over the place. So I do get that. And then I think the longer you go, I think the longer you go, it's different. Because I have friends that have been in marriage 17 years, right?

Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

By the time it was really there, the marriage was already very broken. So they're kind of running on E the whole time. Or just pushing the fucking car. That's probably even more. It's it's stalled out and now you're just pushing it looking for a hill so you can get in it and get down the hill. I think that

Yeah.

Mm-hmm.

Peeling the band-aid off is a must. It is. It's gonna hurt people. It's gonna suck. No one wants to hurt a mate even though your relationship is in the shitter. Right? Because we don't like to hurt people.

Well, in most cases that's how it should be. You know, if you're with somebody and they were your partner, you should have some consideration for what they're going to go through. I mean, if you don't, I'd have to worry about if it was me, I'd have to worry about myself. Like, why don't, don't I worry? Why am I not looking at that side of the story or that side of the street? You know, you want to, you want to

Mm-hmm.

Always leave your mate in the best possible light. You always want to make sure that they're taken care of to the best of your ability Even even in divorce. I think you worry about that some Or if you if you had any inkling of her of her friendship, that's what you would do but um It's kind of hard with divorce because no matter how our divorce was in in retrospect

very easy in that we didn't even use a divorce attorney. We did it all sitting down across from each other and talking it out and trying to leave each other.

Mm-hmm.

in as few pieces as we could. And I think we did a great job at that. Like we're, we're going to be going out to lunch today because we're going to catch up in between him going on one trip and the next trip. So we, we were really good at that, but it still hurt. Like there was nothing about it that was easy and you have to go through those stages. It's part of, of

finding autonomy from each other. And it's not gonna be easy to split up like that. just isn't. Even when you hate the person, it's not easy to get divorced. You have to deal with each other on every level about everything. Like, I want this rocking chair. No, I want the rocking chair. Is it about the rocking chair or what are we really doing here?

Totally right.

You know, it seems like it's everything. I did not do that with my with my ex. We hit the house still looks, you know, he still got all his forks, all of his spoons. You know, I know a lot of people that didn't even have a fork or a spoon left when when the person left. I wanted to leave the house complete. But I just I didn't want him to struggle any more than need be. So.

I think that we did well, but it was still a hard process. was still emotionally, it was, it was torture, you know, cause you can't just call your friend and say, I had a bad day anymore because you were the reason that he may have had a bad day or vice versa. You know, it's, it's, it's a funny thing, divorce and, it is, I see people stay in marriages way longer.

Absolutely.

then I would want to. And they are so miserable, not taken care of, they're not happy, they're working as two separate entities and trying to keep each other as far from the other one as possible, but...

You know, it's just, it's a hard way of being. It's a hard way of being if you have to stay with somebody that doesn't love you the way you need to be and that doesn't want to work on things the way they needed to be worked on. It's just hard.

Yeah, it's look because you always I think think of the good times right and that's what keeps you

Not wanting to hurt someone even though there may be horrible horrible times in between there It's just difficult no one no one wants to go down that road. It's it's just what we do as people now And I think that's why most people during a divorce use kid gloves

Mm-hmm.

and say hey you know let's not let's not try to hurt each other but then again i i do agree with you where like then it comes down to okay now we're going to do it how do we how do we separate all these things and and look some things you have to have a lawyer for you know what i mean like

If you have a business together, if you have multiple houses, if you have young children, there's a lot of things that I think that can get drawn out. I'm lucky too. We never got a lawyer. We did it all. We decided what we were going to do. So it was way easier. My ex-wife moved out first, so took what she was going to take and whatever was left, I kept.

Even though later on in life, I was asked about certain things like, Hey, do you still have this? No. Are you kidding me? Like, come on. If you started, here's my thing too, is if you started your life, once the divorce is over, you don't have any legs to stand on about coming back and picking up your, know, crockpot. Sorry that just get a new one. Like we're.

Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

Not unless you're me, because I will call my ex and say, hey, we're making tamales this weekend. I'm going to stop by and get the tamale pot. And do you want to hang out and do it with us? That's a completely situation though. took. It took.

Yeah, that's different though.

a lot to be able to do that. Like we really had to be kind to each other through the divorce and I don't know how I don't to be honest with you don't know how we did it because how can you be kind to somebody when you're divorcing them on both sides we were both I mean there was things that that pissed me off and and I told him don't ever talk to me about him because we won't be able to stay friends so we had to we had to put up some boundaries but

We were able to do it, but I don't I don't see too many people like I see people getting divorced without lawyers I do but that's that Automatically tells me that people were adults in their divorce but on the other hand like Being friends after that. I don't see very many people being friends with their ex and I'm always Reminded of that my my friends say you're just weird because nobody's friends with their ex like

Mm-mm.

They just tell me that. It's common to hear from my friends, but and maybe it is weird, but because we were very careful as to how we dealt with things and and we we definitely didn't start talking to each other about anything until we were in the right frame of mind for it. You know, then then things started to move. I remember.

Mm-hmm, I'm sure. you

The first couple weeks my ex kept wanting me to go over there to talk about the divorce and I would look at him. He'd open the door and I'd look at him and I'd be like, nope, can't do it today. And I would turn around and walk out and he knew I wasn't ready. Like he knew me. I mean, we were together 22 years. He knew me. So he's like, well, we won't be doing this today. And then he would call and say, okay, it's been a couple of days. Do you want to try this again? And we would try it.

I went over there several times, looked at him and was just like, ugh, I can't stand your face today. Can't do it. I never told him that that's what I was going through. I'm sure he knew, but, it was just really difficult to get in that mindset. But once, once I realized this is, this is happening, this is the mindset I need to get in. I did my part in creating the situation just as he did.

Mm-hmm. you

But now that I did it, I have to man up and do the work. And I went over there and I looked at him like, okay, today I could do it. And he kind of giggled, like snickered maybe at me because he's like, I didn't know if you were gonna be able to do this yet or not. And I'm like, well, I got there, let's handle this stuff. And we just started working on it and it was very adult-like.

you

And I don't know who was more the adult when we started that. Was it him or me? Him by being able to handle the fact that I couldn't do it? Or me by walking away because I couldn't do it? Because both things seemed to take a lot of effort. And we just had to do that.

I think it's because of the relationship that you obviously had, right?

We had a really good, we still have a really good relationship. We just couldn't live with each other anymore.

But that's what I'm talking about. I think it's because you've, you built something before, even though you knew it was over, you didn't want to make, I mean, pardon the Pat Benatar, but you didn't want to make it a battlefield, right? Yeah, you like that? I know there's tons, right? I know, such a great artist. At the end of the day though,

I wondered where you were going with that. I'm like, there's so many things he could have said. Right?

Like you, no one wants to make your divorce a battlefield. It's not, for one, it's not healthy. But I think that's why peeling off the bandaid about everything needs to be done, right? For whatever it is. Like let's say...

Let's say you're at a spot where, let's say you've decided to get a divorce, one moves out, like in my case. So for, like I tell people this story, which is quite bizarre, but for 30 days, I knew she was leaving, she stayed at my house.

Mm-hmm.

We slept in the same bed. Because I refused to go sleep on a couch because that's just who I am. I was like, no. And we had a very good month. Like it was no hanky panky, nothing. was just, I think, a way to say goodbye, right? I wasn't gonna falter. Then she moved out and...

Mm-hmm.

I think things probably should have been talked about more, at least in my relationship. Like I wish I would have known certain things that I didn't know. But I think that we did talk about a lot. You we talked about why things didn't work. We talked about, you know, what we were gonna do afterwards.

with my kid, with all these things. But I think that's important with people that if you're not upfront with the person that you're divorcing, there's a problem. Now, I know people who had no communication skills during their marriage. Like very, very, very bad.

Mm-hmm.

In that case, that has to be super duper difficult. Because you didn't talk during it. How do you talk now?

It's... yeah. Yeah. See, and that's the thing. We always had a really good time just sharing ideas and talking about things. Like, he'll still call me and he'll explain something. And I go, yeah, I remember you did this or that. And he goes, oh, I f-

you you

You were listening and I'm like, I was always listening. I may not have liked to look at you at the time, but I always listened to what you were saying. Like, you know, you don't, you don't quit hearing somebody if you've always heard them. doesn't just automatically stops. But you know, we were both really, we were both really lucky with our divorces because it wasn't as shitty as it could have been. I think for me, it was

Mm-hmm. you

As easy as it could have been is how we made it. You know, we we worked hard at keeping the peace at being kind to each other to be You know still kind of a unit to get through what we needed to get through And I didn't I don't see many people doing that You know, I just I just don't it's it seems like people Consider that person

Right. Mm-hmm.

the ultimate enemy that they have to win against. But in divorce, nobody wins. There's nobody that wins. Everybody has to be a loser to some degree, you know? You can't fight over everything. It's just not healthy to do it. And really, what's the point? Like, try to be as fair as you can and do what you gotta do and then walk away and...

be upset that you may have lost whatever you lost. Everybody is. I don't think I was though, because again, I still had access to everything that I left behind. still am able to get that pot to make the tamales, or I'm still able to go over and see what he did or didn't do in the backyard that I would have liked to have seen. I also felt like...

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Seeing him move on and seeing things be okay really helped me to be okay too. Because I felt like he was not one to ever do his own laundry or to cook his own meals or to do... There were so many things that I just took care of completely and totally. I honestly didn't know if he could do it. And I remember seeing little ways that I was worried that he wouldn't be okay.

you

Seeing him do it and I was like really happy like I could I didn't have to feel the guilt of of you know Getting divorced and and him Floundering, you know, he's a very smart man, but still like I've seen him in the kitchen. I know what he can and can't do And and then when he tells me that he's making spaghetti and he had a bunch of friends over I'm like, wait a minute. You never did that when we were married. I want to come over and have spaghetti

Right.

I don't know why I felt the need to want to do that, but he still has not made me spaghetti, but it's nice to know he at least cooks. He's going to be okay. Everybody's going to be okay. But what you do with your relationship, that's, that's what you're going to worry about. Like, how do you want to let go? What do you want to say? Cause that's the time to say it. And, and to say it as kindly.

Alright.

But as completely and as honestly as you can. Everybody, if I could tell anybody anything, it's like be kind, but be honest. And just say what you need to say before you can't or before you just look like a dumbass saying it because it doesn't even matter anymore. You know, that's, I think with relationships, before you even get to the point of divorce, you need to be talking.

Correct.

You need to say something. You need to say everything.

Yeah, I think when you don't talk is what leads you to divorce. No, no, I'm just saying that if you don't, no, no, I'm not saying you in general, just I think most people in general that when you don't communicate is when things go sideways. You know, because...

yeah, well, I don't know. There was a lot of things that led us to divorce, but we talked the whole time.

Yeah.

Mm-hmm.

So many people are so afraid to hurt each other's feelings. And that's one of my favorite quotes from the notebook. You when they're fighting outside and he goes, he goes, just so you know, I'm not afraid to hurt you because you have like a 10 second rebound. it's, and it's true. Like I think that I don't mean hurt people.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

their feelings intentionally, like doing it at a spite. But you do have to tell people like this is reality. And if you don't do this, it's not going to work. That's just part of life. it's like, because because we change so much, mostly for like younger marriages. You know, when you get married and you're in your 20s, I mean, I was 30 years old when I got married.

Mm-hmm.

So I think that I had a, yeah, I had a better grip, but not a great one. I mean, I could barely take care of myself, you know. Then I got two kids right away, right, that came with her. So I had to grow up and be a man very quickly, which is great, because I'm glad I did it. But let's say you got married at 20, and now you're in your 40s. You've been together 20 something years.

when I was 34.

Thank

You have so much baggage. There's so many things that happen during your life. Not to say that you missed out on anything, because I don't think that that's... I'm not a believer in that either, that people go, you know, I had kids very early and I missed out on something. No, you didn't. That's... Welcome to life.

Yeah.

That was the choice and that was the path.

Yeah, and I hate when people are like, well, I'm going to make it up now. Well, no, you're not. Don't use that as an excuse either. I really hate that one when people are like, I'm just going to make it up now. It's like, so yeah. Well, and for me, it's like, you're just, you're really, don't use that as an excuse to be a shitty person.

Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

There's the door! Go ahead.

Yeah.

Because that's the other thing I've seen. I've seen lots of people that are like, I didn't get to party in my 20s. So now that I'm 48, I'm gonna go out every night. It's like, okay, mean, have at it, you're, you know, remember what you're doing. Because you're now setting yourself up for, be looked at differently. Well, to be looked at differently.

Mm-hmm.

for what comes next.

You know, it's like, look, I'm all up for living your life. Like, I would never shit on anybody for wanting to live their life. Go for it. But with that comes certain things. Like, everything has a consequence. Divorce has a consequence.

Getting married has a consequence.

Getting married has a consequence. So like for me, it's like, you, you have to be very careful about what you're doing, which in turn kind of goes with peeling off the band-aid, right? You have to be careful how you say something to somebody because you, you also don't want any kind of repercussions to come from that. Because I think that that does happen. You know, you, you tell somebody that it's over and then

Having kids.

Hmm.

Everything goes sideways and everybody wants to fight and then everything gets, you know, crazy. Like I said, I'm very lucky that I didn't have to worry about much in mind. We didn't have a lot. We, you know, it was easy to separate stuff. Now people who have a lot that need lawyers, that's a whole other thing, Dean. And then I'm glad I didn't have to do that.

Mm-hmm.

But I've told people before like Here's what you should probably do is you should make a list of everything that you want and give it to your lawyer And say because someone has to take the first shot across the bow All right, say this is what I want. This is what I want. That's what I That here let's get this fucking ball rolling Give them this so then their lawyer gets it and then they can talk to their client and then

Yep.

Now you can start shooting cannonballs over the bow and get someplace. But before you get there, there has to be the honest conversation of. We're done. We're not going to do this anymore. I'm moving on. You need to. That's it. mean, mine took a little longer than I want. It should have. Unfortunately, it took six months to get to that spot.

Mm-hmm.

My stepdaughter actually called me one night and was like you need to talk to my mom and finish this I don't know why you guys keep you know Doing this to each other and then like I've said it on here before like I called my ex-wife and said hey Do you want to try this? She said no, and I never tried again ever So but for me I had to hear that so for me it helped I

And I think that people, more people need to hear that. There has to be some kind of, you know, cutting of the umbilical cord. You have to be hurt. You don't need to be damaged from it. You just need to be hurt a little bit. You have to hear the reality of the situation that it's not going to get better and it's over.

Mm-hmm.

I agree.

And I'm telling you it was rough I won't lie, but it also was like sort of a relief It was like this It was like a really bad sore on your leg that hurt at them at the time But you knew that as it day by day. It just got better and it was before you know it you're up and walking again and You know, you're you're fine So

Mm-hmm.

Yep.

Those are the things I think have to be said to people. That's the real bandaid. Rip it off and get things moving in the direction so you both can be better. My newest thing is this. tell people, you know, things are going to get better because they have to.

Yeah.

Well, yeah, they're gonna get better because nothing stays the same. know, feelings change, people change, there's growth or there should be. You know, the hurt hurts a little bit less. It's a good thing. It's a good thing to let time heal things. Because again, it's gonna change. It just does. I remember when I first...

Absolutely.

when I first moved into the house with my ex. And every other week I wanted to just throw darts at his face. Like I was so, he was so annoying when I first got with him. And I'm sure he would say the same thing, but more diplomatically, because that's just who he is. And I remember like, I would act like my mom. just be like,

All right.

Fuck, stop already. Like, I wanna kill you, stop it. And I realized that in the beginning, I did not know what I was doing. I had a kid, I had a house, I had this man that was too smart for his own good, or too smart for mine. And I had always been like, I could take care of everybody, do everything that I needed to do, but I was my own person and I led my own life and I did my own things and now...

Now I had all this... this...

Responsibility I was gonna say baggage, but it wasn't baggage. I enjoyed having them but Responsibility I couldn't be me anymore. I had to be a mom I had to be a wife or a partner or You know, whatever it was. I needed to be that day and I was not equipped. I was not equipped 30 years old, you know, I had lived with my parents. I was not equipped to to be the

What do they call the ring meister? When there's a circus, the one that runs the show. The ring master meister. I was not equipped for that. And here I was thrown into a situation where I was all of a sudden the ring master. yeah, and trying to get the wild animals to do what they needed to do was extreme. It was hard. was, I didn't know what I was doing. I was married to somebody 12 years older who saw me.

The Ringmaster

Mm-hmm.

more like a child or somebody he had to father. And it took time for him to trust me as his partner because I was out of control. I didn't know how to do things. You know, it was rough. And for us to go through all of that and to become friends and for me to master everything, and I did, and I made it look easy. Like everybody said, you just, you had problems with that? I'm like, are you kidding?

Right.

I problems every freaking day trying to be what I needed to be for everybody. every mom does. But then to go from that to like being where you have it handled and you know the person you're married to and you work with them and you find a way to... I had to learn a whole new language to deal with my ex because he... I'm a hairdresser. He was this brainiac engineer that was too intelligent for words. Like it was... it was...

Right. you

to deal with him on a level. It was hard to understand him. It was hard to get him to understand me. I think that was the hardest because his technical brain wasn't coming on my side of the street. It just wasn't. So I had to find a way around that. And so even in divorce, I was like, we need, the first thing I said was, we need to find the vocabulary for both of us to be able to go through this, understand one another, and for it to be okay.

in the other part of the house and we didn't really mix well. just asked him, hey, do you want anything for breakfast? And here's dinner, you know, I still did his laundry. I still acted like his wife, but I had no...

None of the benefits of that. There was no, there was no sleeping together at that point. There we slept in the same bed too. And I slept on the edge of one side and he slept on the edge of the other side. And that's just how it stayed. There was no touching. We never went back. We never tried to have sex one last time. It was a wrap completely. but I didn't tell anybody that I was getting divorced for nine months, which was easy to do during COVID. Cause we weren't talking to

Right. hmm. It's a point.

everybody but but that was like the loneliest the hardest thing I ever went through was not telling somebody that my world was falling apart not having any of the support that I could have had and trying to make decisions from a place of what is smart as opposed to what I felt that was really difficult but there was there was something good about that being still

You You

and figuring it out for myself and knowing how I wanted to act that was good for me. I needed to do that. And the way that I felt was how we dealt with things. And I didn't have anybody's opinion and nobody was firing me up to get the crock pot. You know, there was none of that. So I think that there was...

Right

some peace for that, but it was torture on the inside for sure. Like there was nothing right about that. And I, I would sit for hours because I couldn't even go to work. couldn't see my friends. Couldn't, couldn't do anything. I sat and watched a lot of TV and just numbed out. Like that was all there. read, I numbed out. I listened to music. I numbed out and, and you get numb enough where you could deal with everything. You know, you're like, okay.

Right.

I don't feel anything today, cool, this is gonna work. You know, what can I get done because I'm okay. It's not easy. And especially if you have a lot of stuff and you have a lot of business stuff and kids and everything, you get opinions from every freaking body, everybody, you know? So I think it's good to get alone time and process what you're going through.

Yes.

be the person that you need to be to do it.

Yeah, look, divorce shouldn't be easy. I think that that's a misconception too, even when things are not good, right? Time,

Time in does mean something. I know people don't like to hear that kind of thing where they're like, blah, Look, time in does mean something. When you're with somebody for a long time, time does matter. Because things happen during those times, like life things. People die there, they're there for you, and you have children, and they're there for you, and all these things. So.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It should not be easy. At least that's how I feel. Like it's just not. Yeah, and but the flip side of that is both of you are going to be able to get out the other side of this, right? Is it going to be difficult? Yeah, probably.

Well, it wasn't for me, that's for sure. We made it as easy as possible and it was still torture. There's no doubt about that.

Mm-hmm.

Is it going to? It's yes, it's.

It's gonna hurt with every cell in your being. It's gonna hurt. There's nothing that's gonna be easy about that. But at the end, think the result is when you can breathe easy and say, got through it all and I'm done with it all. And now I can sit here and just, you know, that's...

Look, there's a way out. There just is. And you're going to have your days where everything seems like the world is coming down on you. And no matter what it is, and no matter how good you might have had in the morning, something's going to trigger you and you're going to have a shitty rest of the day. Just going to happen.

Yep, for sure.

Mm-hmm one phone call could knock you off balance During that time and it could be something that's so minute But yet that's just the one final crumb that you need on top of the big mountain of shit You have to go through for it to all fall over You know, it's it's it's that easy at you know, you're you're that vulnerable at that stage of the game

Correct. And here's a flip side though. I think you can also...

one thing can spark an amazing day where you don't see it coming, where you're having this fucking horrible morning. And I mean like the whole world comes down on you and all of sudden it's like, nope, gotta go. And then you don't think about anything else in your life for at least a little while. So I think that it's important

That's true too.

Yeah? Yeah.

for the people who are going through divorce right now. So if there's anybody out there listening, if you're going through a divorce or thinking about going or thinking about it. Mm-hmm.

and lean on your people. Definitely lean on, right? Definitely lean on your people. But don't ask for advice. You know what to do and you know how to do it and you don't need everybody's opinion on your breakup. It should be just as...

It should be just as just as you fell in love with just that person and did it with just that person The divorce should be the same Don't don't put everybody in the middle of it. Don't don't take their opinions as Gospel don't run with stuff because they don't know what you really went through So I think that have your people to keep you to keep you up. But at the same time I have some boundaries with it. That's still

you

Mm-hmm.

the relationship that you chose on your own with the other person and work on that. Go through that. Don't, you know, heed warnings for sure because sometimes people do stupid things in a divorce and they give away too much or they don't fight for what they really need. You know, somebody's really trying to set you up to benefit you. Listen to that. But at the end of the day, take that into consideration into what you want to do with your life.

Mm-hmm.

and go from there. I think that's what I learned by not having anybody to talk to for nine months. I did have a conversation with my dad and my brother about nine months in and then my next door best friend, knew more than probably anybody did because she was right next door so we could talk in the driveway or she would come over, I'd come over masked up and hang out during that time.

Absolutely.

Right.

Yeah, try to remember that this is your life and you do what you need to do for yourself to whatever degree you need to do because you're gonna have to own it at the end of all of this and and handle your shit just One foot in front of another you know and and know it's gonna suck I I feel like we had a really good divorce and and my toll my my soul was still tortured if that makes sense, I still lost sleep I still

Am I doing the right thing? Is it going to be okay? Is everybody involved going to be okay? What does it mean for certain people in my family? What does it mean for me? You go through all of that. You have to process all of that.

you could do whatever it is that you need to do.

Absolutely. The biggest thing from this is, peel the band-aid off. It's okay.

And then when you get it done, you get to be the person that you want to be. So you get to figure out what am I really wanting to do with my life and how am I going to do it? you know, run with that, run with that and figure out what you want to be and really dive into that and be it. Like use it as a second chance to have a really great life. Don't use it as a way to get in with.

another shitty situation you can't get yourself out of. Don't put yourself in it. I see a lot of people run to the next best and boy does that work out horribly for people. Take the time to figure out what it is that you really want and go with that and be that and take accountability for your own shit.

Yeah, nothing wrong with that. you know, I think that my biggest thing out of this is, is remember that everyone's a person, right?

They all got feelings. But you also can't coddle the person so much that it's hurting yourself. There's a lot to be seen to that, I think. Yeah.

Everyone has a heart. Yeah.

Do it as like a business. This is nothing personal. This is how we have to do things and once we get out of it Let's see if we could be friends with each other. Let's see if we could do that I mean it took a long a long time for me and my ex to get there It took a lot of time to build enough trust that we could be that together. I think five years into all of this is Helpful, I mean we've got better. We've you know, we've got to

you

build trust back again on a friend level and as a confidant because we were always good at being supportive of each other and wanting the best for each other and we didn't lose that. We worked hard to keep that. It was not easy. And then in doing so, we were able to put some semblance of a friendship back together that does...

I think it very much supports both of us in a healthier, happier way. But that doesn't come during the divorce. That comes after you go through the... You have to walk across the hot coals before you can put your feet in the water.

Correct. Exactly. That's 100 % true. I mean,

Yeah.

You're lucky. I mean for me it was a little different because we had a small child. So I think when you have small children you you even get to what you're talking about quicker because you have to. You know. Yeah. Yeah. Nope.

You have to talk through things. mean, communication is key in every part of our lives. And divorce and trying to move on shouldn't be any different. You can make it harder, as you need to be, but at end of the day, there's just things you gotta talk about.

Yeah, and it should be fair for everybody look it's it's gonna suck no no one comes out of this clean But you you should definitely do your best to not You know not hurt yourself or the other person on the way out You know life will go on it does it because it has to

Exactly.

Yep.

So, well, there you go. There's our show. you can check us out on all socials, Facebook, Instagram, X, all that fun stuff. you can hear the show pretty much anywhere you can hear a podcast. It's amazing how many different places we're on and, yeah, it's an opinion show. Don't get it twisted. Keep coming back every Wednesday. I'm Rob. That's Tina. We will see you in a week. Later.

See ya!