Shownotes
Do your shoulders live up near your ears? On Inner Peace, Better Health, host Niharika and coach Lisa Haynes explore stress management for professionals and what inner peace looks like on a messy Tuesday.
You will learn why peace is a practice, how stress shows up in the body, and how to spot the peace stealers draining your energy.
About the Guest:
Lisa Haynes is a retirement and executive coach in Tampa, Florida. After years leading finance teams, she created Retired and Killing It and has written two books.
Key Takeaways:
- Inner peace means settling your own mind while the world stays busy.
- Ask "Who am I?" and name five adjectives that describe your core.
- Constant striving often hides inner dissatisfaction. Notice whose approval you chase.
- An eye twitch, gut trouble or poor sleep can be stress signals.
- Name your peace stealers and take one thing off your plate this week.
- Before taking on a burden, ask: is this my monkey, my circus?
Connect With Lisa Haynes:
- Website: https://www.retiredandkillingit.com
- Coaching: https://www.haynesexec.com
- Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/retiredandkillingit
- LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/lisa-j-haynes-cpa-mba/
- Facebook: Retired and Killing It
Episode Chapters (approx.):
[00:00] Welcome to Inner Peace, Better Health: when your shoulders forget how to drop
[02:30] The Mountaintop Myth: why inner peace does not need a quiet world
[05:30] Who Are You, Really?: five adjectives and the practice of liking yourself
[09:00] No Patient on the Table: how constant striving hides inner dissatisfaction
[13:00] Stress Lives in the Body: Lisa's story of a job that took a physical toll
[18:30] Small Steps and Peace Stealers: why "I'm busy" is often a choice
[24:00] Not My Monkey, Not My Circus: finding your way back after a setback
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Transcripts
00:00:07 Nharika: We all know that feeling when your shoulders are up near your ears and you don't even realize it when you've been holding your breath through. Back to back meetings and somewhere along the way, your body forgot how to just be. That tension we carry. And it's not separate from our peace of mind. It lives in our muscles, in our sleep patterns, and in the ways we move through our days. Tonight we are exploring what it takes to reclaim calm, even when everything around us insists we stay revived up.
00:00:55 Nharika: Welcome to inner peace Betterhealth. I'm Niharika and I'm so glad you are here with us tonight. As we know, this is a place where we slow down, where we look at the connection between what's happening in our minds and what's showing up in our bodies, and where we remember that peace isn't something we find once and keep forever. It's something we practice, something we return to again and again. Tonight, I'm joined by Lisa, and we are going to talk about what it really means to stay grounded. And when the world just keeps asking you to speed up. Welcome, Lisa. It's so great to have you here.
00:01:48 Lisa Haynes: Thank you. It's great to be here today.
00:01:52 Nharika: To start with, I think a lot of people hear the words inner peace, and they imagine sitting cross-legged on a mountain top, completely serene and with no thoughts at all. So what's the biggest misconception you have noticed about what inner peace actually look like, especially for people living demanding full lives.
00:02:24 Lisa Haynes: I think the biggest misconception is this idea that inner peace means quiet. The external is quiet, so people think inner peace. I go to yoga, Pilates, or that I going to go on a, you know, retreat where we're not going to speak. That's where people think that's where I'm going to find my inner peace. But those are moments in time where, yeah, absolutely. You can find some peace there. But inner peace really is about settling your own spirit, settling your own heart and mind into a rhythm, into a space that says, regardless of what's going on on the outside, on the inside, I'm able to settle myself. I'm able to find, uh, the sense of joy. I'm able to really relax my mind and my body when I need to. And that's not going to be all the time. There's no, um, there's no space where you're always going to be at this inner peace, this nirvana. It's going to be cycles.
00:03:25 Nharika: Yeah. So very true. And if it's not about emptying your mind and reaching some perfect state, what do you say it is about? Like, what does peace feel like in the middle of a regular, messy Tuesday?
00:03:48 Lisa Haynes: Yes. To me, inner peace is that even though the world around you is in chaos, right? There's a lot going on. There's different things that are impacting your day. You are able to, at the end of the day, inside of you say, I'm at a space where I have found joy in my life. I have a sense of fulfillment, which is really important. I know what my purpose is. I'm able to connect with others without being overburdened by them. I'm able to be myself in the spaces that I'm in. And so one of the difficulties with finding inner peace is in order to really find inner peace, you have to know a lot about yourself. And we don't sit still long enough to know anything about ourselves. So I always start with people and my question is always, who are you? And they'll say, well, I'm, you know, give me their name. That's not what I mean. Who are you deep inside? If I asked you to describe yourself, I say, give me five adjectives to describe who you are. What what would those five adjectives be? So finding inner peace really is about really settling who you are, liking who you are as a person. Um, because if I don't like who I am as a person, I'm going to never be at peace. But liking who you are as a person and knowing that you can navigate situations. Being your authentic self.
00:05:21 Nharika: I love that because it takes the pressure off. We often assume and and it's we're not trying to become a different people. We are just trying to come back to ourselves even when everything feels chaotic. Right? What you said is so true. So Lisa, let's go a little deeper. So when you work with people who are constantly stressed constantly on, what do you think is really driving that? Not just the surface stuff like workload or deadlines. What are the deeper patterns underneath? Like what keeps them stuck in that cycle?
00:06:12 Lisa Haynes: Yeah, I think one of the things that keeps people stuck is they're constantly trying to prove themselves to themselves. Um, they're not quite satisfied with who they are. And so they, they need to, they're trying to prove themselves better. When you're comfortable with who you are, I don't have anything to prove to anyone else. So but if I'm not comfortable and I keep pushing and sometimes people are pushing for their own approval or other people's approval, uh, and one of the keys to finding inner peace is that you can't seek other people's approval constantly and have inner peace, because as a general, you're not going to please all of the people all the time. And, and so as a result, please yourself. If you start there, if you start with, I'm the person who most needs to be proud of me. I don't have to chase things. I just have to tell myself what are my goals and I'm going to get there. But people who there are people who are just driven people, that's part of their personality, and they want to be at the top of their game. And the question I ask is, what do you can be at the top of your game, but you're always on what brings you joy? Does it bring you joy really, to just keep pushing, keep pushing, keep pushing? Um, I used to say all the time to my team, we are not brain surgeons and there is no patient on the table. Nothing we do in the finance world is an emergency. Nothing. There is no. They're just. I know that people will tell you this has. There's no urgency. No one is going to die. Um, and just helping to put things in perspective, helping people to see perspective, like, yes, what you do is important, but you are not saving the world. And there are no people whose lives are in your hand as a general rule. And being able to humanize yourself and put yourself really where you belong in the universe. It's humbling, but it also helps you to find a sense of peace. Like, it is not my job to save the world, but if I feel like it's my job to save the world, I may never find peace because I'm always pursuing that. So the constant pursuit of things typically comes from an inner dissatisfaction.
00:08:29 Nharika: Yeah. That's such an honest answer because. So if if pattern is that is that deeply rooted? Where do you even start to shift it? What's the first thread to pull?
00:08:53 Lisa Haynes: Honestly, the first thread to pull is the who am I question. It is sitting down and figuring out who I am at my core, what makes me happy, what brings me joy? What things do I like doing? What things do I not like doing? I think that's where you start because in order to find inner peace.
00:09:14 Speaker 3: It's it's it's not external.
00:09:16 Lisa Haynes: The word itself, it's not an external thing. It's really inside of you. And only you can begin with. These are the things in my life that are the things that I love. And then identifying those things that are bringing you stress and disrupting your peace. It's important to know what your peace disruptors are. If you have friends in your life who are constant takers and they're never givers, that's important to know that those people are stealing peace from you, right? And so relationships are one of those things that are peace dealers. Uh, there are just lots of things in our life that are peace dealers, and we need to identify what those are.
00:10:01 Nharika: Yeah. So that, that makes so much sense because just give me a second. It makes it it makes me think about how much we have been hard to ignore our bodies, like they are just vehicles to get our minds from place to place and.
00:10:29 Lisa Haynes: Mhm.
00:10:29 Nharika: But our bodies are actually trying to tell us something all along. But yeah, we just got experts in avoiding that and going on, going on with the new ones out there. So.
00:10:47 Lisa Haynes: Yeah, the, the medical industry is making a lot of money off of the fact that we ignore our bodies and we don't take care of them. Um, they're making good money, lots of supplements. Everyone's taking lots of things. You know, you're taking vitamins and supplements and some of that. Uh, some years ago, I was in a job and it was just a very stressful job. And I went to see a doctor, um, who was outside of kind of the network of doctors. It was something that, you know, insurance didn't cover it. And I had to. And one of the things he said to me was, stress is going to kill you. He said, stress does a number on your body. And most people don't realize that stress can like I was having all kinds of issues with my gastrointestinal system, allergic to foods and that kind of thing, he said. It's all stress that is tearing up the gut lining, and you need to figure out how you're going to a we can give you all the meds to, you know, help heal the gut lining. But in order to for that to stay, you've got to figure out how to bring down the stress in your life. And I was in an extremely stressful job and he said, my advice to you is either figure out how to bring down the stress or quit and get a new job. I actually got a new job. Um, but that was part of it was the stress was, taking a toll on my body because I didn't like the job I was in. I didn't like where I was working, I didn't like what I was doing, and it was having an impact on me physically. And so I ended up having to pay someone to help me get that back in, in line. The reality is, had I just not had that much stress, I probably would have saved some money. But that's where you talk about the physical impact. There is definitely a physical impact to stress.
00:12:32 Nharika: Very true. It it manifests into something because that mental imbalance, emotional imbalance we all carry through stress. It may not seem always like a headache or, you know, mood swings and all, but it manifests into something one on other, all the diseases and all. It is because of the inflammation we are having. It manifests in some way or other until you recognize it, your body just increases the level up to just get to you to notice it. So if someone is listening right now and recognizes themselves in what you just described, what's one small thing they can pay attention to tomorrow? Not fixed. Just notice.
00:13:35 Lisa Haynes: Yeah. To your point, I think listen to your body is the first thing that you can do. How is your body feeling if you are experiencing things that are definitely signs that something's going on? Your headaches, all of the medical things that that's the first thing you can do is say, okay, there are signs that this is that even if I don't feel stressed, sometimes people are like, oh no, I don't feel stressed, I feel great, but what's your body saying? You know, I, I went through a period of time where my eye kept twitching. My. You know that you get that thing. Your eye's twitching and no one can see it. Only I could feel it. But no one could see that my eye was twitching. Muscle spasms. And you know, I like most people. I just went and googled it and it said to stress and you need and you're tired. And the reality was I was in a period of some stress and I wasn't sleeping as well as I could. That was listening to my body was okay. The the eye twitching while it's not dangerous, like nothing's going to happen because my eye was twitching, I wasn't losing my sight. But it's a sign that my body is giving me a sign that says something's wrong. I think that's the first thing people can do is, is make sure that there are no signs that something is off and you're ignoring them.
00:14:52 Nharika: Very true. And I really appreciate you for sharing that because, uh, we often get away with that instant, uh, medicines are instant solutions, as you said. So, for example, the eyes are stretching and all the times we just care about that eye. We just get it fixed and we are back to that cycle. But it takes to slow down and notice. And that's the real work. So true. And I would love to hear about an approach or practice that you found really helps people reconnect, not just intellectually, but in their bodies, in their actual lived experience. So Lisa, what something that creates the bridge between understanding peace and actually feeling it.
00:15:52 Lisa Haynes: I think the bridge really comes in when we are get real honest with ourselves. And sometimes that that honesty comes through other people. So, you know, sometimes you have to listen to what other people are saying. Um, yeah, people in our lives who are close to us will tell us things about us. You're snappy. You look tired. Those are all the beginning of the bridge. And so the bridge really is in the doing. We like to talk about it, but the bridge is in the doing. Taking a small step. If your body, if you're sensing the stress is impacting your party, commit to walking thirty minutes a day, three times a week, because we all know that exercise relieves stress. Taking one small step to figure it out is good is a good thing. Like if you are one who likes Pilates, just as an example or yoga, commit to doing that as a as my one hour of getting some peace inside, right? So sometimes we think we want to tackle it all at once. We want this instant peace. We're going to wave the magic wand and we're all of a sudden peaceful. But it's steps. It's small steps that we take. We start to gain the peace over time. Um, one of the ways that I, I continue to work on the inner peace is to not do things I don't want to do. I mean, that's the reality. Sometimes we do things because somebody else wants us to do them. We feel obligated to do them. I just try not to do things I don't really want to do. Like there are some things I have to do. You know, I have to file my taxes. I don't like doing it, but I have to file my taxes. There's some things I have to do, but there are some things that I don't have to do, but I do them because, you know, I should do that. I, I should attend that because it would be, you know, I feel kind of obligated now. I'm like, I don't really want to attend that. So I don't if it's not something I'm required to attend. So part of it is the peace thing is really, really identifying those things that are really peace dealers. And that should be kind of easy step is what are the peace dealers in my life? And then beginning to reconcile yourself with those peace dealers.
00:18:15 Nharika: Yeah. Very true. Because, um, I feel the more we are connected to yourself, the more we can easily remove all the drama from our lives. It becomes so peaceful and it is easier the way around instead of getting that external validation and. All right. It's easier, more easier now when you are. Yes, yes.
00:18:43 Lisa Haynes: Yes, yes.
00:18:47 Nharika: So, uh, and for someone who is new to that, who feels like they don't have time, the busy, everything is packed, how do you encourage them to start? What would make it feel doable rather than like one more thing on the list.
00:19:09 Speaker 3: You know, I.
00:19:09 Lisa Haynes: Learned having, you know, been in a in a significant role. I've learned that, uh, the phrase I'm busy is basically an excuse. That's what I learned. I'm busy as an excuse because I'm as busy as I want to be. Um, and that's what you decide what is. Okay. You're right. There's a lot of things on my list, but are they all required? Like, do I need to do everything on my list? Sometimes we have stuff on our list. It really doesn't need my attention, but I'm going to do it anyway. I could have delegated that, but if I want to do it right, I better do it myself. Kind of an attitude. So part of the busyness of our lives is because we don't choose not to be that busy. And so the first thing I would say to someone is, yep, you're super busy. How can you become not super busy? What is one thing you can take off your plate? What is one thing someone else in your life can do for you? We don't. Most of us don't like asking for help. And so if I don't want to ask for help, I just do it myself. Particularly people who are overburdened or always under pressure. We just we do everything ourselves. And the reality is we don't. We don't have to do everything ourselves, right? We can ask others to do it. We can let the laundry slip for a day or two. There's some things that we put on our plate that we force ourselves. I have to get this done. And the reality is, yes, but do you have to do it right this second? And can you benefit more from taking that one hour that you were going to do this or this, and using that one hour focused on you and finding your peace?
00:20:53 Nharika: Yeah. That's the key, isn't it? Because it's not about adding more. It's about coming back to what's already here. Our breath. Our body. This moment again. It all comes with a choice.
00:21:11 Lisa Haynes: Mhm.
00:21:12 Nharika: Very true. So, uh, Lisa, here's the hard part. Someone starts to feel a little more grounded, a little more at peace. And then life happens. A crisis at work, a sleepless night or a week where everything falls apart. How do you sustain this when it feels like you're back at square one? What do you tell people about setbacks?
00:21:47 Lisa Haynes: The first of all, recognizing, like I said at the beginning, there's no constant nirvana of peace. Like life doesn't work that way. Life starts life in. And you just have to accept the ebbs and flows of life, the ups and downs of life. And you're going to get periods of time where whatever it is you committed to, falls by the wayside because of other things that have come up. What's really important is to remind yourself that this is a season, right? This is this season, and this is how I'm going to move through after this season. And so once you and I say it takes twenty one days to create a habit, once you get once you create the habit, it's kind of like riding a bike. Get back on it. You'll remember how to do it. Get back on it. But it's important to. Even as you seek the peace to recall, remember to yourself, this is not something that's going to be constant. I will not always be at this level of nirvana, of peace. I'm going to go ebbs and flows and this is how I'm going to deal with things. The important thing is don't start slipping back into your old ways of taking on all the things that are not related to you. Um, when I'm coaching people, one of the things that I say to them all the time is to ask yourself. There's a saying that says, is not my monkey, not my circus. Um, is is this your monkey? Right. Is this is this your monkey or is it someone else's that you're taking? So you have this monkey on your back. And the question is, is it your monkey or are you carrying somebody else's monkey and you're in somebody else's circus? And that is one of the reasons we end up being overly stressed and overly busy is because we're carrying everybody around us, this monkey. And we have to figure out, is this my monkey?
00:23:25 Nharika: Wow. I love that. I think that might be the most important thing. We can remember that that we are not failing when we lose our way, but we are just human and practice is always there waiting for us to return to ourselves. So.
00:23:48 Lisa Haynes: Mhm.
00:23:51 Nharika: Lisa, thank you so much for this conversation. Thank you for spending this time with us. If people want to continue learning from you or connect with your work, where can they find you?
00:24:04 Lisa Haynes: Yeah. First of all, it was great to be on your show. I love the conversation about inner peace because I've managed to find it after a lot of years. I can be reached, um, on social media through retired and killing it. I'm on Facebook under that name and Instagram. My website is w w w dot dot com where you can find, um, both of my books. I can also be found for coaching on haynes dot com. Reach out anytime. I'm happy to talk to anyone who would like to connect. I'm also on LinkedIn. Feel free to reach out.
00:24:39 Nharika: Thank you for sharing that. And I'm curious what is retired and killing it? I can see it.
00:24:48 Speaker 3: Absolutely.
00:24:51 Lisa Haynes: Yeah. So when I retired, I, you know, had a plan of some things I wanted to do. Retiring and killing. It is a line that I used when someone asked me, how is retirement? And basically it talks about the non-financial side. So we get all prepared for retirement, but we're not prepared. What we're going to do for the next twenty to thirty years of our life. And my thought is that people ought to be excited about that last season.
00:25:15 Nharika: Well, you are killing it.
00:25:19 Lisa Haynes: I'm doing my best.
00:25:23 Nharika: And thank you so much for being here tonight, Lisa. I'm so glad that I had this opportunity.
00:25:29 Lisa Haynes: Yeah, absolutely.
00:25:31 Nharika: And to everyone listening, I hope you take this thing with you from this conversation. Listeners, maybe it's permission to pause. Maybe it's a reminder that your body is wise and worth listening to. And maybe it's just the knowledge that the peace is possible even in small moments, even on the hardest days. Take good care of yourself. I'll be back with you soon, listeners.
