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Authentic Communication for a Happy Home with Erin Johnson
Episode 16 • 9th August 2024 • No Shame In The Home Game • Joyful Support Movement
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In this episode of 'No Shame in the Home Game,' co-hosts Lacey and Sarah welcome Erin Johnson, a certified life coach who helps women navigate midlife challenges by focusing on mindful thought processes and emotional self-awareness. Erin shares her journey to becoming a life coach, highlighting the importance of recognizing and challenging our thoughts to prevent emotional triggers from dictating our actions. The discussion delves into practical strategies for managing frustrations at home, fostering authentic communication, and releasing self-imposed pressures. The episode emphasizes the significance of self-care and continuous practice in changing ingrained response patterns for a more harmonious household environment.

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Transcripts

Lacey:

Welcome to No Shame in the Home Game, the podcast that cares

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how your home feels, not looks.

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I am Lacey, your co host, excited to

be in the room where it's happening,

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So I'm going to introduce our co host who

knows what's happening, and that's Sarah.

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Sara: Hi,

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Lacey: Sarah.

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Sara: Hi, Lacey.

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when you said that it automatically

triggered Hamilton in my head.

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I know

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Lacey: I was like, I know Hamilton's

not cool anymore, but it's okay.

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Sara: It's forever cool.

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So we are in the room

where it's going to happen.

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Yes.

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I have brought on today, an expert

that I am very excited about my friend,

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Erin, who will introduce us today.

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Herself in a second.

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Erin and I have known one another for at

least 12 years in different capacities.

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We used to live near one another.

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Now we live in different states,

but we have continued to grow

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together, which I think is amazing.

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And.

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Such a beautiful opportunity.

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Erin has served as my coach and I say

to everyone who will listen, I wouldn't

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be where I am today without Erin.

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so Erin, if you would like to

introduce yourself just a little

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bit about who you are, where you are

and the type of work that you do,

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whatever you're comfortable sharing.

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Erin: Thank you.

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Thank you, Lacey and Sarah.

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And that was a nice introduction.

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thanks for inviting me on your show.

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I love what you two are doing

and, how you support everybody.

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And I love how you two

get along on this show.

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It's very, very sweet.

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My name is Erin Johnson, and

I'm a certified life coach, and

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I work primarily with women.

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In and around midlife who are

stuck or out of balance, and I

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help them recenter for success.

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I got into this coaching profession

because in my early 40s, there

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were areas of my life which

were pretty out of balance.

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I was over angry.

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If that's a phrase, I was over resentful.

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I was over drinking.

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And at that time I was doing

a lot of finger pointing and

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blaming others for my behavior.

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And there's a story I call clean up on

aisle four that I won't tell right now,

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but that led me to hiring a life coach.

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And through coaching with Juliet,

she helped me see where I was not

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paying attention to my own thoughts.

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And that was something

that I was never taught.

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To look at my thoughts and thread them

to my feelings and then to my actions.

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And that's how I ended up in this

profession and helping others,

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primarily women, becoming aware

of their thoughts and helping them

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clear their clutter in their brain.

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what you do in the home.

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So yeah, that's where I'm at.

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Sara: That's such a cool way to phrase it.

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I'd never thought of it that way, but

yeah, clearing the clutter of your

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thoughts and you were describing about

tuning in with your thoughts and your

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feelings and taking ownership, like

all that good stuff, I just thought.

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Oh, one day this will be

taught in primary school.

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This will be a foundation instead

of learning it after the pain point.

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Can you imagine learning all of this?

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the world would be a different place.

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So yes, when I started working

with Erin, it was exactly that.

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I was in my 40s.

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And it was just like,

nothing feels good, man.

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Like I just was itchy in

every department of my life.

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And I just, I did, I had that now or

never just do I want to change things

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or do I want it to keep being like this?

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So I'm thankful for the work that you do.

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it was through your discomfort

that you came to this.

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And it's through my own

discomfort that I came to a lot

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of the work that I do as well.

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And it's through Lacey's discomfort that

she came to the middle and her journey.

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So it is nice.

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I want to honor and appreciate this moment

of we all took that discomfort and not

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only moved through it, but decided to.

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Help others, which I think

is what we can do in life.

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Lacey: Can I say that I'm really excited

to talk to Erin because I believe she is

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the originator of the joy ripple concept.

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Yes.

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you're like a celebrity to me because I'm

like, Oh, this is a big deal in my life.

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So thank you.

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Sara: Yeah.

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This picture right over my shoulder.

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It was right after I worked with Erin

and she was explaining to me, if we

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feel better and then what we put out

and then that touches someone else.

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And then I went on a trip and I saw

this and it's hard to tell from far

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away, but they're teeny tiny dots.

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Like we're always

affecting those around us.

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are we putting out there?

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So yes, Erin is the epicenter.

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And the reason we brought you on is

because when I work with clients.

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even though I can work with anyone and

I will, they're almost always women.

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And when I describe the type of work

that I do, helping identify pain points

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in the house so that your house can

run smoother, about 50 percent of the

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time, if not more, the response is,

Oh, so you can deal with my family.

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And I always say, I'm not a therapist,

but I value how you feel and I

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understand, and you're not alone.

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bringing you on, I thought that would be

a really great opportunity to talk about

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when you're living with others, you can't

control what other people do much as we

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want to, It's easy for tension to come up.

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Somebody wants something

done a certain way.

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Somebody walks in feeling a

way that doesn't line up with

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what needs to get done, right?

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We all walk in with our own stories

and situations and then those

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often bump up against one another.

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And expectations, usually one

person wants it a little bit more

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picked up than the other person.

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expectations aren't lining up.

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The values are different.

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So there tends to be that tension point.

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so when I say all of that,

Erin, where does that take

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you in your thought process?

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where does that start to like

tingle inside your brain?

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Erin: Yeah, I love how you said

that when things start to bump up

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against each other, and I think that

a lot of us would love to see the

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world change so that we feel better.

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there's the, if only they did

something different or they behave

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differently, they should, they

shouldn't do that so that I feel better.

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It really gives us no power.

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It gives us no place to own.

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where we're at and to move forward and

feeling better just because we decide to.

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So what I'm learning in life and how

I work with my clients is, let's say

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that they're never going to change.

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How do you now look at that

differently so that you don't get,

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bristled every time that happens?

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Because if they're not going to change,

the one that has to change is you.

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And it really does, to me, it

comes down to the thoughts.

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I know we generally feel like it's our

feelings that we feel, we feel aggravated

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or annoyed or angry or resentful.

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And if we pause and we go back,

there's a thought that has

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now triggered that feeling.

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And so if we can come to that

thought, and isolate that, then

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we have something to work with.

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Sara: So there's so many ways to go.

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Lacey: my initial reaction

is like, but I want them to

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Sara: That was my first thought was

people listening are gonna have that

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recoil of, but if they only took

out the trash when I told them to.

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Right,

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Erin: so if we look at the reality.

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The reality is.

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The trash is not taken out, we disempower

ourselves when we say, that should be and

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because it isn't, I don't feel good now.

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So Byron Katie, who is, an incredible

teacher, she says, When we argue

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with reality, we lose, but only

100 percent of the time, right?

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So if the reality is the trash is not

taken out, then it's our responsibility

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to look at our thoughts around that.

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And I know it's it's can be

like nails on a chalkboard.

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but, we've said it 50 times, just do

your job, just take out the trash, and

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if the reality is it's not done, if we

give our power away and not feel good

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because the trash is not taken out,

we're losing, we're, we're losing.

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Sara: I want to understand, so you

come home, the trash isn't taken out,

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even though the task was assigned,

you see the trash, and then you

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get angry, so you're disempowering

yourself, because you're letting the

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trash then control your emotions.

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Is that what you're saying?

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Yep.

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everyone listening is like,

yeah, I've already gone through

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50 of these situations today.

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So then what's the, first step

into this to somebody who has never

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tried to challenge That process

of seeing something, getting

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upset, feeling upset, yelling,

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It's like the circular

pattern that happens.

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So somebody is like, it doesn't feel good.

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I want it to change.

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Okay.

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I see the trash.

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What's the first step to not

letting that cycle just happen.

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Erin: Yeah.

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Not get carried away with the emotion.

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I say that if we can become

aware, Oh, I'm feeling angry.

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And it's the awareness of almost

like the third person, Oh, look at

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you're getting angry at the trash and

then just pausing and noticing that

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you're getting angry and it's okay.

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Not beating ourselves up, not

judging ourselves for getting

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angry and then going to, okay,

what is the thought process here?

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What's the thought that's triggering this?

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If you look at the neutral fact, the

fact is that the trash is sitting there.

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The trash is not out.

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We're making it mean something

that's causing anger.

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Somebody else might walk in and not be

angry that the trash is sitting there.

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how we're taking that circumstance that

is pretty neutral, we're making it mean

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something that's causing now a feeling.

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can we look at our thought?

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What's the thought behind it?

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I feel disrespected because

nobody listened to me.

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I feel that I'm the only

responsible one here.

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If we can get to that thought,

that is what we can work with.

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Is it true that, that person, say it's my

son, that my son disrespected me because

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he didn't do what I asked him to do?

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Is it true that he doesn't respect me

because he didn't take the trash out?

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so then you start to challenge

your thought process.

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You start to actually look

at your thoughts because your

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thoughts are causing the feelings.

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And If you're not liking the angry

feeling, and then the actions that

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follow, maybe it's, you're yelling,

then you create separation, or you

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get passive aggressive, it's time to

look at the thoughts causing that.

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Lacey: I've been doing a binge

background watch of The Good

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Place in the past few weeks.

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It's such a beautiful show to

have under the background as you

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like work because it's so joyful,

but also thought provoking.

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And so I've been thinking

about philosophy a lot.

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And one of the things that

keeps coming up is this what do

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we owe each other part of it.

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And I definitely feel that personal

responsibility of I can control my

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response But I think a bridge to like

communicating to the person about what.

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we want from our house and what

we owe each other, what those

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values and standards are, also

still needs to happen, right?

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Erin: Absolutely.

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I am definitely not saying that you

need to just suck it up and, take

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out the trash because it's not done.

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I also think that, going along with

representing your thoughts, there is

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that Bridge as you eloquently put it

into communication and can we communicate

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authentically Hey, my son's name is Caleb.

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Hey, Caleb.

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I noticed that I get really angry

because the trash wasn't out.

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And I don't like to get angry

so I'm going to just pause.

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And let's have a conversation about this.

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I had an expectation, you didn't do it.

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Can we talk about, is there a

reason you didn't do the trash?

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But not making them bad or wrong.

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Not making me better or right in it.

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Just getting really curious of,

why didn't the trash get out?

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Noticing I had an expectation.

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Noticing it wasn't meant.

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And then what that did to me.

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And then in that conversation, maybe he,

I don't know, maybe broke his toe in the

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morning and he couldn't deal with it.

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Or maybe he had, something come

up and he completely forgot.

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I think what happens is we

have this instant feeling.

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We try to justify our anger or

whatever emotion is coming up

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and we start to point fingers.

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It's your fault.

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This isn't done.

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Why isn't this done?

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You're bad and wrong.

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I'm right because I asked you.

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And now we have this big separation here.

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And so coming to it with

authentic communication of,

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Hey, this is a little stinky.

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Do we want to live in a

house that's getting stinky?

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Do we want to live and have that

authentic, but also be curious

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of what they're going through

and why they didn't go for it.

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I think that's, there's a lot of

power in authentic communication.

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Lacey: I also think there's

a lot of power in curiosity.

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I think people respond more to curiosity

than to almost any other like approach.

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I think something as someone's listening

to this, I just remind you that

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sometimes another person's reaction,

may still be a little aggressive because

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that's the tone that they're used to.

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So don't just do this once.

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You have to keep trying.

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that's a thing that I know, between my

husband and I, I'll, say something and I

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think it's very neutral but he still takes

it into that aggressive place because that

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had been our communication for so long.

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so you just have to keep trying and

enforcing it and not just trying once.

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Erin: Definitely a practice.

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Sara: as you were talking, I was

writing down notes, and what I did

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was, on one side, it's that pattern.

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Trash, you have instant upsetness,

Turns into anger and rage.

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And then that justification, why

am I always doing everything?

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Why doesn't anyone help me write that

very like black and white thinking.

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And it's, just the circular.

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And then I drew a line from the

trash over to the side, instead

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of a circle of just observe.

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So it's like the first step

is just that observing.

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And I remember one time me and you

had a conversation and we were talking

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about that expression of a short fuse.

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And how the two, this is very

simplified, but the parts of the

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brain, I always think of the lizard

part of your brain, which is survival.

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And then the, what do you, what would

you call the other part of your brain?

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The deep thought it's more the executive

functioning, executive functioning.

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Okay.

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So in that short fuse is

going to that survival

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You're just reacting like

something didn't happen.

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Oh my gosh, just a little

level 10 emergency.

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I'm so mad I feel threatened versus taking

that deep breath and just observing it

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like you said which I think if I think

that's just the first step That is almost

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the hardest is breaking that Am I going

to go level 10, light things on fire?

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we've all been there.

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Like I throw everything in a dumpster

and everyone can just go take

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care of themselves in the woods.

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I don't care.

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Or are you going to take a deep breath

and just observe that rage versus acting

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on the, that's mindfulness, right?

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That's huge.

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Yeah.

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Yeah.

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I don't want to understate that

is that first step, because

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we're so used to reacting.

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Somebody cut me off.

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I'm mad.

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Somebody didn't start the dryer.

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I'm mad.

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it gets so ingrained in us.

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So to change that pattern,

yeah, a lot of attention.

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Erin: It does.

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if we talk neuroscience just on the

basics that I know, it's the, like you

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said, that pathway is very well worn.

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So if that is generally what you

do and how you respond, it is,

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it's the trigger response effect.

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And I like to say that if we can put

a gap in there, so there's trigger

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response, trash not out, I am pissed.

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then it kind of reactivates.

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It strengthens that pathway.

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That's what we do.

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We go right into amygdala.

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We're threatened.

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I'm going to react.

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And then if we can take that pause

and notice, Oh, trash is not out.

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Oh, I'm feeling my body and different

feelings cause different body sensations.

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So if you can start to

even name, Oh, I'm angry.

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my, my jaw is clenched.

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my heart is beating.

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That will actually get you

out of the reaction state.

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and will allow you to go into that longer

response mode where it goes through the

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executive function and then you say, Oh,

and that's where you start to practice.

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Oh, I'm, I wonder why it didn't happen.

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I'm curious what happened to this, to

the scenario that I asked, to my request.

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that's where you get to

get into the curiosity.

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There's no curiosity in that,

fight, flight, freeze response.

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It's more like you said, it's

that primal, I need to survive.

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Trash not being taken

out is not a survival.

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However, we can react like it is.

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we can go into sympathetic, nervous

system where our heart rate goes

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up, our breathing gets, erratic,

our pupils dilate, muscles get

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fired up, ready to run or fight.

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And it's really being able to

say, wow, okay, let me take a

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breath and now let me respond.

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It's so practice, as Lacey said,

it's practice, practice with that.

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Lacey: I had a huge realization

as you were just talking.

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So my son, we've been working on this.

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He has a lot of big feelings and

big emotions and they take over him.

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And what I keep saying to him is.

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I just need you to stop.

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I don't care what you do like after

that, but I just need you to focus on

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just stopping that moment that you start

to feel that just focus on stopping.

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And I'm realizing that's great advice

for anybody because I think sometimes

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we get so, and this is something we talk

about a lot in home management of we

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get so bogged down with the later steps

that we don't take that first step.

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So even if someone can just

take the message of just stop

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in that moment, you have.

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done some change, right?

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You're paving that pathway

to get to that next step.

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I think that's really just a great

place to start for someone who gets

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into this cycle and pattern is if I can

just stop, that is enough for today.

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I've pushed, I've made a difference,

I've made a change and I can do

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more tomorrow or just again, stop

and then figure out from there.

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Sara: Yeah.

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I like that.

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And again, to people listening,

we're not saying this because

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we can say these words.

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We're not saying it's easy

because I've gone through this.

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It has taken me years.

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I would find the space

to not lose my shit.

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This is gonna be a swearing episode

and I would at least have a second.

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so instead of losing my shit immediately,

I would have a second, right?

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And then I would still lose my shit.

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And then it became five seconds

and then it became I was able to

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walk out the door and basically

have my little tantrum outside.

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So at least the energy wasn't in the

house, I was just increasing that fuse

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like just a little bit, just a little bit.

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some days.

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I can see myself, I can get mindful,

I can get curious, but I'll be honest.

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Those are the days when I'm well rested,

when I don't feel overwhelmed or rushed.

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And so that brings me to my question,

which is, I know it's not life or

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death, but I think in our day and

age, I might be being dramatic.

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I don't know.

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I think it feels like life or death.

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I think, especially to

women with the expectations.

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Working, having kids, maintaining the

house, thinking our houses have to look

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a certain way, thinking our kids need to

show up in society looking a certain way.

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I think that amount of pressure, actually

feels legitimately like survival.

375

:

Tell me what you two ladies think of that.

376

:

Erin: What stuck out for me is the

word pressure that you just said.

377

:

And I agree with you.

378

:

I think we put a lot as moms, as

women, as, CEOs of our home, as career

379

:

people, we put a lot of pressure on

ourselves to show up certain ways.

380

:

I think what's been helpful for me is

to be able to notice where I put that

381

:

pressure on and really start to question.

382

:

Is that real?

383

:

Do I need to actually do that?

384

:

What happens if I don't?

385

:

What happens if this doesn't happen?

386

:

And that has allowed me, and

like you said, over the years

387

:

it's been quite a practice.

388

:

It's allowed me to release, it's almost

like if a, If an inner tube is so

389

:

blown up, it's about to pop, right?

390

:

You start to release the

pressure on it with that valve.

391

:

It starts to get more

manageable, more pliable, softer.

392

:

And so that's how I've been starting

to look at things of, am I really,

393

:

do I really need to do this?

394

:

Does this really matter at this moment?

395

:

And if that can release the

pressure off myself, then things

396

:

just become softer for me.

397

:

Sara: that makes me think of our last

episode, Lacey and I did, we went deep

398

:

into the good, better, best mindset.

399

:

And I related a story about when my son

was little and it was very challenging

400

:

for several reasons outside of my control.

401

:

And what I did was after a certain amount

of time, I was like, if I'm going to

402

:

live, I have to claim survival days.

403

:

And so in the good, better, best

scenario, good enough is each of us eat

404

:

some food, maybe some clean clothes,

maybe one of us gets a bath, and I

405

:

said, that's all I have to do today.

406

:

That's it.

407

:

And once I adjusted to a survival

day, that pressure melted away.

408

:

I wasn't worried about the grocery list.

409

:

I wasn't worried about making a meal or

opening the mail or doing the laundry.

410

:

I just removed all of that from my

mental plate and it just created space.

411

:

For things to be easier.

412

:

I like that example of the

inner tube and if you hit one

413

:

thing wrong, it just goes off.

414

:

And that makes me think too about kids.

415

:

It's I think what's really a powerful

tool and equally scary is when

416

:

we start to see our kids react.

417

:

The way we react to things.

418

:

Lacey: Yes.

419

:

Sara: They hear

420

:

Lacey: their little voices say something,

you're like, Oh, I know that was me.

421

:

I can hear it.

422

:

Sara: Right.

423

:

And you realize, going back to

the top of this conversation,

424

:

if we learned these fundamental

things when we were little kids.

425

:

about stopping, observing, taking

a breath, being curious, right?

426

:

Like how different the world

would be if we grew up with that.

427

:

another tool, another thing that I wrote

down, about when you were talking about

428

:

being curious a tool that I use sometimes

in my head is kind of a joke what was that

429

:

show from like the 60s it was black and

white dragnet maybe it was just the facts

430

:

ma'am do you remember that Because these

police officers would show up and there's

431

:

usually a lot of emotions and people

are starting to say things and they're

432

:

telling this big elaborate whatever and

the cop would always say just the facts.

433

:

So I thought about that's

a good tool to maybe use.

434

:

Is sometimes to just be like,

okay, what are just the facts?

435

:

imagine you're showing up to a

scene and there is no backstory.

436

:

It's what are just the

facts in this situation?

437

:

Erin: that goes back to if somebody

else walked into your house and

438

:

they saw the trash, they likely

would not have the same reaction.

439

:

They're looking at the same fact.

440

:

The fact is the trash is

maybe it's overflowing.

441

:

There's a fact, right?

442

:

A fact is anything that a

camera would be able to record.

443

:

And then everybody looking at that is

going to have their own story, create

444

:

their own meaning around that fact.

445

:

And I think that's where we get

into, mom comes home, sees the

446

:

trash, that's the story, kid sees

the trash, but doesn't actually care

447

:

about the trash, that's their story.

448

:

And so having us trying to be on

the same story my brother and I,

449

:

both of our children are older and

they're living together right now.

450

:

and they're working a lot and

he just called me and he just

451

:

said, I have to vent this house.

452

:

And he just went off on the house

and how he can see things that

453

:

they can't, he says, you need to do

this and they're like, we did that.

454

:

and to him, it's not done the

way he expected it to be, but

455

:

in their minds, it's good.

456

:

They did it.

457

:

It's perfect, right?

458

:

So it's all how we interpret

that fact, if that makes sense.

459

:

Sara: That it does make sense.

460

:

And that goes back to that conversation

Lacey and I had about good, better, best.

461

:

And she was saying it was a great

conversation tool to have with

462

:

your partner because you start to

realize, Oh my, what they think is

463

:

best is actually only my good enough.

464

:

And it's like that whole thing

of Oh, the trash was taken out.

465

:

yeah, but you only set

it out in the back door.

466

:

It's out of the house, but

it's not in the trash bin.

467

:

And it's yeah, that again, getting

really clear on what the expectation is.

468

:

Now, something else I

want to go back to that.

469

:

I thought about, what if going back

to the mom, the overworked, tired

470

:

mom, managing the house, what about

getting fatigued of being curious

471

:

and having these conversations?

472

:

What do you say to the woman

who says, yes, I tried that.

473

:

And I'm tired.

474

:

I'm tired of being the only one who

notices, who gets curious, who has the

475

:

conversation, who does the prompts.

476

:

I'm just tired.

477

:

how do you deal with it from that point?

478

:

Erin: Well, if we're talking about

kind of the thread of the thoughts

479

:

here, I think it goes back to that.

480

:

What are the thoughts?

481

:

Nobody's listening to me.

482

:

They should.

483

:

They shouldn't.

484

:

They disrespect me.

485

:

I am tired of doing this.

486

:

That's going to set you up for a feeling.

487

:

And generally that feeling is

not going to feel really good.

488

:

And if you want to keep not feeling good,

then you don't challenge any of this.

489

:

You just keep going on, but generally

as moms, we want to feel good.

490

:

We want to be able to show up.

491

:

We want to be that role model.

492

:

We want to be able to hold a container

for everyone as we like to do.

493

:

My experience is, I'll say this,

my children are out of the house.

494

:

My children are grown.

495

:

I don't have littles

anymore running around.

496

:

And I know that when I

did, it's a whirlwind.

497

:

Your thoughts are constantly

on everyone and everything.

498

:

it's much more challenging at that time

to be able to look at the thought process.

499

:

I do think that being able to take that

breath, like everything we just talked

500

:

about, being able to take the breath,

looking at what pressures you're putting

501

:

on yourself, having that authentic

communication with your family about

502

:

how you're feeling, getting curious

about what other people are feeling.

503

:

bringing it in as a cohesive team.

504

:

How can we work together so that we're

all feeling better about this and being

505

:

able to challenge the thought of this

should be done because I asked for it.

506

:

But the reality is it's not done.

507

:

I think Byron Katie has something in

her book that says, she was so tired of

508

:

asking people to pick up their socks.

509

:

and that they weren't picking up their

socks, that she finally said, if this is

510

:

actually bothering me and only me, I'm

the one that needs to take care of this.

511

:

Because if it's not bothering anybody

else, my thought is they should be

512

:

doing it, but they're not, then I'm

the one that's going to do it, or

513

:

I'm not going to be bothered by it.

514

:

Sara: I'm sitting with that

because that is such a different

515

:

narrative than we hear usually.

516

:

I think I mentioned on one of our episodes

about a mom in our community who's got

517

:

five kids, both the parents work, they're

always going in different directions.

518

:

And I was asking her how she got

certain things in the house done.

519

:

And at a certain point,

she's like, you know.

520

:

Things aren't perfect.

521

:

There's usually dirty dishes.

522

:

There's usually piles of laundry.

523

:

people just sleep wherever they sleep.

524

:

There's not a lot of rules

and order in our house.

525

:

And she goes, and if I ever get

really stressed out or upset over

526

:

something, I realized I'm the only

one who's upset and stressed out.

527

:

And it was such a level

of just pure surrender.

528

:

is it Buddhism that, non attachment?

529

:

there was such this just level of zero

attachment to the way anything looked.

530

:

And I was like, wow, there's a

lot of power and peace in this.

531

:

Lacey: I was picturing myself as

that mom, who's so frustrated.

532

:

I'm tired of telling

people to do this and this.

533

:

And I read recently, treat

yourself like a plant.

534

:

And so in that moment, I would love

for that mom to be like, okay, hold on.

535

:

I'm a plant.

536

:

Am I fed, watered?

537

:

Have I gotten sunshine?

538

:

And that's just a formula of maybe

I just need to get a glass of water.

539

:

Like I can't control

what's happening here.

540

:

I'm going to get a glass of

water and then I'll come back.

541

:

Erin: I love how you said that I

can't control what's happening here.

542

:

I can't control other people.

543

:

What I can control is I can water

myself, I can get sunshine, I

544

:

can get rest, I can take a deep

breath, I can look at my thoughts.

545

:

So yes, there is being able to

surrender to the reality of what's

546

:

actually there in front of you and then

being able to take care of yourself.

547

:

I think that's a really good point.

548

:

Lacey: I also think that women in general,

obviously, when we've said this many

549

:

times, have a hard time putting their

needs as part of the whole equation.

550

:

And I think taking the judgment

away of I'm a mom, to just

551

:

be like, hey, I'm a plant.

552

:

What does a plant need?

553

:

there's this element of one,

playfulness, but also detaching

554

:

the judgment of objectively,

these are the things that I need.

555

:

What am I not having

in this moment as well?

556

:

So I think that's important too.

557

:

Sara: And I want to highlight, as we're

having this conversation, I'm remembering

558

:

it's also a stage in a phase of life.

559

:

Erin, you commented, your kids

aren't little anymore, but you

560

:

know that whirlwind feeling, right?

561

:

And how all of these pressures change as

our kids are at different ages, as our

562

:

responsibilities in life change, right?

563

:

And one of our participants from the

previous season, Miss Tyra, her boys

564

:

were grown and gone, and she had a

completely different set of, Time of

565

:

things she had to deal with like she

was no longer driving her kids around

566

:

all over town to different activities

and so it's there's also I think a

567

:

moment of remembering these chapters all

change it's like this now doesn't mean

568

:

like it's gonna be like this Always.

569

:

And I think we get lost in that and

forget to zoom out and see that overall

570

:

picture of this moment is not forever.

571

:

Lacey: as a mom of very small

children, I always need to hear that.

572

:

I'm so tired all the

time for so many reasons.

573

:

Sara: I said that to the mom's group

I was just with last month because

574

:

all their kids were five and under.

575

:

we all went around and said what

we were thankful for that day.

576

:

And I said, I was coming here.

577

:

I just packed my bags.

578

:

I got my stuff ready.

579

:

And I just looked at my family

and said, take care of yourself.

580

:

Be good.

581

:

And I walked out the door and I told

them, I was like, there will be a

582

:

day where you don't have to worry.

583

:

Is the bottle made?

584

:

Is, are there clean clothes laid out?

585

:

all those things.

586

:

And I was like, there's hope.

587

:

One day you can walk away and just

know they can take care of themselves.

588

:

this, again, there are just so

many different ways we could

589

:

go with this conversation.

590

:

but I think the biggest takeaway

for anyone listening is that

591

:

circle I was talking about, that

ingrained pattern we have of what

592

:

is it reacting versus responding.

593

:

Is that the difference?

594

:

So reacting into Anger without thinking

versus taking a beat and choosing

595

:

your response instead of letting

it just overcome and flood you.

596

:

I think that's the one

step where it all starts.

597

:

And that would be the way and

598

:

Erin: giving yourself the grace of

practicing that, we're gonna mess up,

599

:

we're gonna explode, we're going to

criticize and judge, we're going to blame

600

:

point fingers, we're going to get angry.

601

:

And that's okay.

602

:

We're humans to be able to just

take a breath right after that.

603

:

Sara: and even just.

604

:

Even if you can just shift, okay,

the feelings flood you, can you

605

:

just shift where it's coming out?

606

:

instead of yelling it at somebody, could

you yell it into a voice memo in your car?

607

:

Dance it out?

608

:

Could you dance?

609

:

Wiggle it out of your arms?

610

:

Interpretive dance?

611

:

could you call up a friend and say it?

612

:

Just, can you just listen to me?

613

:

or just write it down in your

journal and just at least change

614

:

that it's not directed at somebody.

615

:

I think about how I used to drive

in, DC traffic and I had a little

616

:

bit of road rage reaction and I used

to flip people off all the time.

617

:

And I was like, you know what?

618

:

This is dangerous.

619

:

Cause there's something to be some like

situations where people are getting hurt.

620

:

So I was like, okay, I

can still flip them off.

621

:

I just have to do it below the window.

622

:

So they can't see me.

623

:

like, okay, get mad,

but maybe just change.

624

:

Can you do it below the

window so nobody can see?

625

:

And that can be your first step forward.

626

:

Erin, is there anything else that

you wanted to share or any last

627

:

thoughts that you wanted to share?

628

:

Erin: to follow up with what you just

said about if you can change even the

629

:

smallest step in what you normally

do, any change is brain change.

630

:

So you starting to alter that

pathway a little bit in a new

631

:

direction, that is change.

632

:

and the reminder that this is, as we zoom

out, this is a very small period of time.

633

:

and I also like the, to come back to

the releasing the pressure on ourselves.

634

:

Sara: Yeah.

635

:

Yes, releasing the pressure.

636

:

I was just writing that down

because I like to remind myself to.

637

:

Any

638

:

Lacey: changes, brain change is

going to be sticking with me like

639

:

that for some reason really hit.

640

:

Sara: yeah.

641

:

and one final thought on that.

642

:

I also like the thought of Erin, I

think you called it pre paving, where

643

:

you rehearse in your mind something.

644

:

if you're used to getting mad in your

house at something not happening,

645

:

close your eyes and practice.

646

:

What would a different version of that

look like practice it in your brain

647

:

so that next time it happens, you can

actually go to, instead of going down

648

:

option path A, you can go down path B

because you've practiced it in your mind.

649

:

I've definitely worked

on that one as well.

650

:

Erin: Yeah.

651

:

Really good point.

652

:

Sara: Well, thank you so much, Erin,

for your time and for the work that

653

:

you're doing and that joy ripple

that you're putting out there.

654

:

it really is powerful and appreciated.

655

:

Erin: And thank you both, Sarah and

Lacey for all that you're doing to

656

:

support, moms and women and homes

and the ripple you're sending out.

657

:

Thanks for inviting me.

658

:

Thank you.

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