What is The Akkeri and who's the bald guy?

Deep, life-altering questions, I'm sure.

This first, inaugural episode is a story of fatherlessness, the good and bad of religion, adultery, separation, and divorce, failed business ventures, and more. It's the biggest challenges from what has been the hardest decade of my life to date.

It's a 10,000 foot view, for sure, but it'll give you an idea about who I am, what The Akkeri is and why it exists, and why I work with men as a mental health coach.

The TLDR: we need a conversation about men and masculinity that is deeply spiritual, profoundly vulnerable, and, with any luck, personally and culturally transformative.

Lofty goals, I know, but why not?

Find The Akkeri Here:

Facebook.com/theakkeri

Instagram.com/the.akkeri

TheAkkeri.com

You are listening to the Akkeri podcast, a show

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about men and masculinities, the

challenges that modern men face and

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how to chart a better way forward.

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I'm your host, Matt Howlett, mental

health coach and founder of the Akkeri.

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This first episode is a story.

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It's my story, but it's also the

story behind the Akkeri because

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the Akkeri's origins are found in

the biggest challenges of my life.

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My story is one of fatherlessness,

the good and bad of religion,

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divorce, as well as a great deal

of trying, failing, and learning.

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And since you, dear listener, likely

don't know much about this person whose

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voice is now in your ears, this story will

also introduce you to me, Matt Howlett.

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And that just feels like

the right place to start.

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Now, just a couple of quick

points before we jump in.

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First, the Akkeri podcast is focused

on bringing the conversation around

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men and masculinities to the forefront.

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We are also creating practical

solutions for challenges that men face

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in the areas of mental health, And

yes Akkeri is not an English word,

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it's an old Norse word meaning anchor.

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Second, this story is very

personal, but it's not long.

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I'm going to give you the 10,

000 foot view with a few select

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stories, but that should give you a

sense of who I am and why I became

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a coach and created the Akkeri.

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So let's dive in.

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I grew up as the firstborn

son to a single mother.

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My parents divorced when I was young,

so I spent the majority of my childhood

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with my mother and my grandmother.

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Now, my father was in the picture.

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My sister and I were dropped off at his

house every Saturday for over a decade.

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But I never had a close

relationship with him.

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He taught me a lot of practical things,

like how to ski, how to fish, how to

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operate a quad, how to snare rabbits.

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But I never felt like I was

being shown how to be a man.

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In fact, a lot of the negative

mindsets that I had to work on in

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therapy came directly from my father.

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Nine is defense.

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He came from a big family, and

I don't think he had much of a

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relationship with his father either.

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He also didn't have much education,

and the majority of his life was spent

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doing labor jobs to make ends meet.

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The sad reality is that my father showed

me a lot of what I did not want to become.

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When he passed from cancer, his last

words to me was that life was short.

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The sadness in his voice was palpable,

and I wished his experience and our

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relationship had been different.

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But the few times that I tried to have

a more serious personal conversation

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with him, he always avoided them.

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Now, my father's family is Catholic, but

like I said, I grew up with my mother and

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the majority of her family are Protestant.

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So I grew up attending a Pentecostal

church that was just a few minutes

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walk away from my childhood home.

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I went to church twice on

Sundays, attended summer Bible

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camps, and eventually joined

the church's youth group.

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Which meant I was going to church

on Saturday evenings as well.

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And for at least a few of my childhood

years, I also attended a midweek program

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and it was called get this crusaders.

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If you think that's a lot of church,

you are correct, but there's more.

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Newfoundland had a denominational

school system in place up until

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the year that I graduated.

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So yeah, that means I went to

a Christian school as well.

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Now, I didn't realize how deeply

entrenched I was in the Christian

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church because I didn't have

any external influences that

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would cause me to question it.

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And that wasn't by choice.

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We weren't allowed to listen

to non Christian or non church

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music, at least not until I

was well into my teenage years.

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Most popular television shows

were off limits, and we certainly

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weren't allowed to play with cards.

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My sister and I had a pack taken

away from us when we were kids.

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I don't remember where we got them

or why, But I suppose playing cards

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was too closely related to gambling,

and that one was a definite no no.

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There was a long list of do's and don'ts

back then, and a lot of them didn't make

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a whole lot of sense to me, especially

the whole dress up to go to church thing.

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But that is the context that I grew up in.

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Now, don't get me wrong, there's a lot

about my upbringing that I'm grateful

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for, but there's also a lot about it

that wasn't helpful or even healthy.

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But that is a different

conversation for a different time.

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So what did the over churched

young man do after finishing grade

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12 at his Christian high school?

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Well, Well, he did more church things.

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Of course, I had no idea what I

wanted to do after high school.

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I remember presenting this problem

to the school's guidance counselor,

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and he gave me an aptitude test.

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Now, guidance counselors, if you are

listening or really anybody that works

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with adolescence, The best way to help

someone know what they want to do is

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to get them, get to know them rather,

and help them get to know themselves.

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I get that this was the 90s, and aptitude

tests may have been the best, uh,

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weapon for the guidance counselor at

this point in time, but seriously, When

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you're forcing young minds through the

standard high school curriculum without

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equipping them with the basic emotional

intelligence needed to make big decisions

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like that, it feels like a bit of a

dick move, but hey, that was just me.

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It was the 90s.

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Now back to the story

and the church things.

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All that I knew after high

school was that I love music.

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I was playing and singing in church

bands at that point, and I knew that

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I generally enjoyed volunteering

in church leadership roles as well.

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But my favorite aspect of all of it was

being a worship leader, specifically

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working with musicians who took their

faith and their musicianship seriously.

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For anybody that's not familiar with the

whole church world, a worship leader is

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someone who leads the band in church.

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And the Pentecostal denomination

traditionally has a band that more

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closely resembles a rock group

rather than just the organ that you

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would see in most Catholic churches.

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So there's like a keyboard,

drums, electric guitar, acoustic

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guitar, a couple of singers.

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Just a bigger group.

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So after high school, I took

three online courses from a Bible

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college, kind of as a trial run.

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Those three courses felt okay.

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So I decided to make the leap.

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I moved to Alberta and enrolled

in a theology and music program

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at a private Bible college.

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I still didn't really know what

I wanted to do with my life, but

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one of the tenets of Christianity

is that God has a plan for you.

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For your life, and he'll help you figure

out the best path if you just trust him.

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So that's what I thought I was doing.

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And for the most part, things

went well for me for a while.

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In college, I had a lot of

opportunities to play and lead.

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I made a lot of friends there,

got to travel a fair bit.

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I eventually graduated with

honors and decided to move back

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to Newfoundland because that's

what felt right to me at the time.

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I didn't hear a voice.

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I didn't see a sign.

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It just felt like the right thing to do.

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I also didn't love Edmonton.

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Apologies to my Albertan friends.

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The River Valley was great, but I honestly

think Newfoundlanders have some type of,

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like, innate desire to be near the ocean.

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Within two months of being back in

Newfoundland, I had found a well

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paying job as a youth care worker,

and I was offered a role within a

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new church that was just starting up.

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I've often referred to those next three

years as the best three years of my life.

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I was involved in a project

that I really believed in.

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I had responsibilities

that I excelled with.

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I had a group of friends that

were a mix of old and new.

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I bought my first home.

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It seemed like everything was working

as it should, or as God intended.

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And that's what I believed at the time.

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That was 2005 to 2008.

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Things started to really

change for me after that.

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In the fall of 2008, I left the

church plant and took a role

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at a bigger, more established,

slightly more traditional church.

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I also got engaged that

year and married the next.

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Both of those decisions seemed like the

right ones at the time, but they were not.

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I had serious feelings of doubt

around the engagement, which I did

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bring up to my fiancée at the time,

but her response to my uncertainty

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pushed me to doubt my doubts.

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And my faith definitely played a role

as well, because what kind of Christian

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leader or just Christian in general would

get engaged, but then change their mind.

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So I ignored those thoughts and

those feelings and just move forward.

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I also had feelings of doubt with

the new role at the bigger church.

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Somewhere close to the two year mark, I

started to realize that the culture of the

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church was just not what I had assumed.

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I think I was fairly idealistic at the

time and maybe slightly naive, but I

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believe that Christians wanted to be more

like Jesus in their day to day lives.

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And so the desire for personal

growth, humility, and an openness

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to accountability would be assumed.

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I quickly learned this

was just not the case.

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And I could have easily left

that position, but I didn't want

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to be the pastor who had barely

been around long enough to get

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to know people before leaving.

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But I ignored those thoughts and feelings

too, and I kept going, but I'd soon be

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forced to realize that the role in that

church was just not a right fit for me.

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To keep it simple, there were

several conflicts with people

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who held a certain amount of

political power within the church.

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They disagreed with decisions I had

made or simply did not like me or the

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way that I led and they made that known

either through an angrily worded email,

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because why have a civilized face to

face conversation with someone when you

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disagree with them or they went over

my head and talked to the lead pastor

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who's essentially my boss at one point.

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The conflicts were blamed on my apparent

lack of self awareness, which my

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psychologist confirmed was laughable,

which is good because I laughed.

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And shortly after that, I was told

it was time for me to move on.

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In other words, resign and act

like it was of my own choosing.

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That was the beginning of my

departure from organized religion.

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Although I tried to be part of a

Christian church after that, and I

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even volunteered again, I just couldn't

reconcile what I had experienced

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with what I believed to be true about

the life and teachings of Jesus.

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I saw far too many conflicts

between what Christians say they

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believe and how they actually live.

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And integrity is a really big deal to me.

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I am not even trying to infer

that I was the perfect model of

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Christianity or that every decision

I made as a pastor was the right one.

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But I do know that I always tried to

respect people even when we didn't agree.

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And I approach those conversations with

the belief that although I was one of

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their leaders, we were on the same team

trying to grow and help people together.

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But over the years, I've learned

that no matter how hard you try,

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there will always be people that

you will never see eye to eye with.

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And that's sad.

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But that's okay.

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That was the last time

I worked as a pastor.

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And in 2013, I moved with my wife at

the time to Vancouver so I could study

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digital media and likely change careers.

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That move initiated a big reorientation

process for me around what I believed

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and what I wanted to do in life.

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Processing those struggles and finding

answers to all the questions I had

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would have likely been easier for

me to manage if that was the only

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thing that was going on at the time.

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But it wasn't.

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I was enjoying the media program and

had met friends there, but towards the

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end of that first year in Vancouver,

I learned that my wife had been in

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a relationship with another woman.

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This was a huge shock for me, and

not simply because my trust had

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been broken, but also because it

made me realize that I didn't really

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know the woman that I'd married.

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The years that followed were

the hardest years of my life.

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I left Vancouver and spent the next

two years living in three different

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places, basically doing the best that

I could to process all that I had been

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through and find some sense of normalcy.

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I didn't want to be divorced.

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I believed that we could reconcile

and be happy, but those beliefs were

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naive and blindly driven by my faith.

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We had dated long distance, and

when we finally lived together after

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marrying, the relationship changed.

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We both had unrealistic expectations,

and we were simply very different people.

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But I didn't see that at the time.

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All I saw was my faith, the belief

that God hated divorce, and very much

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wanted to bring us back together.

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And I felt like I needed to be

an example of understanding,

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patience, and forgiveness.

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So despite asking my psychologist for

advice and hearing that divorce was

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likely my best option, I chose to ignore

that advice and hope for reconciliation.

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Now we eventually did get back

together, but it was short lived.

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After one year of living together,

I sold a lot of what I had owned

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and moved to Southeast Asia.

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I needed to do something

completely different.

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So I decided to teach English and travel.

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I went from Thailand to Southern

Vietnam, eventually settling in a

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Northern Vietnam city called Halong.

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Um, I was dealing with a lot of thoughts

and feelings throughout that time, so

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the random challenges I experienced

there always felt harder, but I enjoyed

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and very much needed that experience of

being in a completely different context.

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I fell in love with motorbikes, and

a Vietnamese dish called Bun Cha.

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I met friendly, inquisitive, and

kind people who weren't bothered

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by the language barrier or my poor

attempts at speaking their language.

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I was reminded of how much I loved

working with teenagers and how satisfying

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it was to earn their trust and be

welcomed as more than just a teacher.

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And I was reminded that the world is

so much bigger than the very sheltered

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religious world that I grew up in.

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And I had no plan or

intention of coming back.

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Until my mother was diagnosed with

stage 4 cancer at just 56 years old.

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I got the news through a FaceTime

call with mom and my three siblings.

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When I saw them all on the screen, I

knew something was up, but I didn't

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expect to hear that I would likely

lose my mother within the year.

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At the time of the call, mom

was positive and seemingly okay.

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There was clearly some hope that she would

recover, and there was mention of some

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unconventional treatment in the works.

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She knew I had plans to go to

Cambodia for Chinese New Year, and

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she wanted me to do that, so I did.

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But in the months that followed, her

condition quickly deteriorated, and I flew

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home about two weeks before she passed.

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I was very grateful to have that

time with her, but no amount of time

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could have prepared me for that loss.

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I was her firstborn.

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And she was my only true parent.

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Without mom, the home I grew

up in was totally different.

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The family wasn't the same,

and Newfoundland did not

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feel like home anymore.

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I spent a couple of months after

the funeral, uh, in Newfoundland,

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but eventually I moved to Canmore,

Alberta, to work with a friend of

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mine on an agricultural project.

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Technology startup.

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If you aren't familiar with Canmore,

it's an old mining town that became a

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popular tourist destination after the,

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winter Olympics were hosted there.

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I bought a motorcycle and

explored the parks and mountain

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roads as often as possible.

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I hiked as many of the trails as

I could, and I filled my camera

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with shots of mountains, valleys,

and elk lots and lots of elk.

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The startup was a great

learning experience.

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We had designed and built a hydroponic

system that was innovative and

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promising, but when a planned

investment of around 400k was

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rescinded, things quickly went south.

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As we were basically at the end of

our runway, we simply didn't have

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the time to secure an investment

big enough to get us to production.

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It was the beginning of the end,

but I don't think any of us really

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wanted to acknowledge it at the time.

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And this was the second failed

startup that I'd been a part of.

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It was difficult to accept as I

had high hopes for that project,

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but I had applied to grad school

in Victoria at that point as well.

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So I accepted that ending as a natural

transition and planned my move back to BC.

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Now that was the end of 2019.

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So yes, you guessed it.

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I arrived on Vancouver Island just

as the COVID lockdowns were starting.

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Shitty timing, I know.

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But there was no way

to see that one coming.

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So from 2019 to 2021, I studied

communications and researched the

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need for belonging among young men

while living mainly in isolation.

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Ironic!

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Since I was studying a human need

that fundamentally requires in

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person interactions, needless

to say, that was tough.

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I did eventually finish the thesis, but

there were several moments when I just

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wanted to hit the fuck it button and

throw my laptop off my 21st floor balcony.

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Apparently that's a common

desire among grad students.

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In the end, I'm very glad to

have experienced grad school

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outside of a theological context.

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Now, if you've been following the dates

here, you'll know that we're just about

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caught up to today, as this episode

is being released in spring of 24.

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I've obviously left out a lot of

details, and there are a million of other

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storylines that I could have shared,

but these have been the defining ones.

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And if you've noticed, the majority

of them have been stories of hardship.

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The fatherlessness, interpersonal

conflict, changing worldviews,

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the adultery, death of a parent,

failed business ventures.

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For a solid decade, it felt

like I was getting hit with one

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tough situation after another.

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There were a lot of positive experiences

mixed in there, but I've shared the

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more challenging ones with you because

they were the defining moments.

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I believe that who we are and what

we're becoming is primarily shaped

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by our experiences, but it's the

hard ones, the hard times that

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refine us the most and give us the

biggest opportunities for learning.

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So now to the main question, why

have I shared these stories with you?

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As I mentioned at the outset, I

thought it'd be fitting to have this

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first episode of the podcast as an

introduction, not just to me, but to

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what the Akkeri is and why it exists.

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The Akkeri began as an idea on

a whiteboard at the co working

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space that became my second home

while living in Canmore, Alberta.

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When the startup started to show signs

of failure, I felt the need to spend some

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time dreaming about what I could do next.

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I wanted to do something that was

more about people than a product.

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It had to be creative,

and it had to be mine.

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I did not want to follow

someone else's lead anymore.

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So I spent time writing about what I

had enjoyed doing over the years, and

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digging into the reasons why I had

become a pastor in the first place.

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I loved people.

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I'm definitely introverted, and I

need time alone, and I don't like

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everybody, but I do love people.

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Everybody, I love people and I

always found deep satisfaction in

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helping people, especially men.

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My experiences had given me a

rich understanding of the unique

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challenges that men face, and I

knew I could do something to help.

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I wanted to share what I learned

and continue to learn through my own

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personal work, research, and experience.

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So that's why the Akhari exists.

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The Ocree is a growing educational

media and coaching company focused on

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men's mental health and well being.

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And this medium of podcasting

allows us to dig into specific

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conversations to support that.

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Conversations with mental health experts

like the one with my own psychologist

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about his upcoming book entitled Balls.

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How Men Find Courage With

Words, Work, Wine, and Women.

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Love that title.

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And in conversations with everyday

men, like the one with my friend

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who grew up in church as I did, but

eventually walked away from it and

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now lives happily as an atheist.

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And many, many more.

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Why?

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Because us men need to be reminded that

vulnerability is strength, not weakness.

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And that willingness to open up

and be vulnerable is a requirement.

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For personal growth and it opens the

door to a richer, more satisfying life.

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Thank you for listening.

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I hope you found some

value in this episode.

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If you have, be sure to share the Akkeri

podcast with a friend and subscribe

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wherever you get your podcasts.

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You can find the Akkeri on social at

the Akkeri and on the web at the Akkeri.

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com.