Joseph discusses the concept of "open doors" in relationships, particularly when a loved one seeks forgiveness or help after a mistake or relapse. He emphasizes the importance of responding with gratitude and offering specific, non-condemning actions that foster positive change. By doing so, he explains, these supportive actions can plant seeds of transformation and be more readily accepted. Joseph encourages listeners to prepare for these moments and to persist in offering support, as repeated encouragement can lead to lasting impact. At the same time, he stresses the need to maintain personal peace and emotional safety during these interactions. To ensure their message is authentic and effective, he advises individuals to tailor their approach to their unique family dynamics.

00:00

Hello and welcome. I'm your host, Joseph Devlin, and today on the show, we're going to discuss open doors. So let's get at it. Open Doors. I know everybody who's listening today has had the experience when their loved one is messed up in some way. Maybe it was they sent you a text, maybe it was you got into an argument, maybe, maybe it's their DUI, second or third DUI, and they're reaching out to you to try and make things right, trying to apologize, and that's that moment of an open door that I'm thinking about today. And

0:57

I know that many times that's like the opportunity to kind of lay into them and say, oh, man, boom, boom, boom. You did this wrong. You did that wrong. And yes, I know that might feel good inside to be able to do however, most of the time it's not producing the results that we're really looking for, and quite frankly, it's you're kind of frustrated with your loved one, because you love them and you care about them, and you know that life can look differently for them. And when we lecture and we moralize and we condemn them. It. It doesn't sit well, usually it doesn't move the needle. It doesn't motivate people to want to or inspire people to want to change. And so that very frustration that you're feeling, it's like, okay, so how can I channel that in a different way? And I also want to say on the flip side of this, when that person's calling you like they're frustrated with themselves too, because they know they could be living better, and they love you, and that's the reason why they're reaching out to you, is they want this connection with you, and they want to make, you know, just apologize, get things maybe moving in the right direction.

2:28

And so, you know, well, everybody's sitting in this frustrated

2:34

place, and if you're able to be able to have more peace in that situation,

2:43

being ready for that conversation,

2:47

there's an opportunity for that to really go well, and not only just have a healthy discussion, but to have some results move and in a direction Everybody wants. So let's just say that person's reaching out to you. And you know, again, this could be Hey, you know, I'm sorry about the text, or they're like, Hey, can I take you out shopping? Or I know you need school clothes, can we go get you that? Or, you know, sorry I raised my voice last night, or really don't remember the argument. Any one of those things begins to open a door. And I understand, listen, we have needs that need to be met, like physical, our emotional as well as our spiritual needs need to be met in order to have this type of conversation. So how we're I'm just going to say, let's just say we are in that safe environment. I mean, we look at Maslow's hierarchy of needs, you know, we need that. We need that safety. So, you know, when they approach you and they're having this kind of, you know, they started off with those kind of conversations, you can say, Oh, I'm going to encourage you that these are probably two lies of things to say that can produce

4:07

massive results, and one of them is expressing the gratitude. Hey, thank you for reaching out.

4:16

It seems like

4:18

this is important to you.

4:22

And last part is,

4:27

how come you don't try and stay sober for 30 days? Or if you want it to be 60 days or 90 days, fill in the blank,

4:41

and it shifts the conversation.

4:46

Now, I know many of you, right after somebody has maybe ghosted you for, a month, and they are reaching back out to you, you're just glad that they're alive. You're glad that, you know there's okay we. You know they're they're at least alive and they're okay, however, I think that often is a great opportunity, because there's some reason why they're reconnecting with you at that point in time,

5:14

and you both know

5:16

that it has something to do with their addiction. It's just sometimes we're not necessarily really talking about it. So those three phrases there really works well,

5:32

they're very fitting when we've had an argument the night before, or some kind of nasty text was sent and, you know, they're calling to apologize about it, there's a that's a perfect groundwork to be able to begin, you know, approaching this situation and saying, Thank you for reaching out. It seems like this is important to you. How come you don't stay sober for 60 days and by planting those kind of seeds, they do produce fruit. I cannot tell you how many people I've worked with where, when people who cared about their loved one mentioned this to them in a way that wasn't condemning, it really landed well for them. They knew it. I mean, they knew inside of them, you know, like they want somebody who's an addiction. They want the pain to stop. And sometimes it's the pain of the consequences, sometimes it's the pain of the argument, but it can also be like the pain of anxiety or the pain of depression, or the pain of that feeling of less than that they want God. And when somebody else says, plants that seed, like, Hey, how come you don't stay sober for this 90 days, it allows them to digest it, to think about it. And I think of a guy that I worked with, I always ask anybody I work with, Hey, how come you're meeting with me? What brought us to this point?

7:15

This guy told me, My daughter asked me to, and that was it. That was the thing that got him to come see me. And I know many of you are saying what you mean, once? Yeah, it just took one time. And for many of you out there, you've talked to your loved one, you've mentioned something to you know, so many times you can't even count anymore, but I'm telling you, the very first person to ask their loved one that question, How come you dont stay sober for 30 days?

7:48

And it plants this seed.

7:53

And so the next person who asks them, whether it's a sibling, maybe it's their spouse, maybe it's their son, their daughter. As folks keep asking this question, it it provides water to that, to that seed, right? So, some plant, some water, God's going to provide the increase on that. So I say this to say, don't give up on asking. If the conversations keep coming up, you know, can you say this in such a way that will be well received? And by that, I mean something that's authentic from you, something from your relationships. Like we all know the words that we can say to make somebody aggravated, but we also know those words that we can say to help somebody receive a message from us. My daughter's brilliant at this. If she wants something, she comes up to me. She says, Hey, Papa, pretty much anything else she wants after that's a yes when it comes to her daddy. So like, you know, get prepared with your message, with your phrasing, you know. And you know, every family unit is unique, and every family unit is different. It is different. And also, I say it's like, Hey, if you want help crafting this, this together, you know, assembling this message, then, hey, please reach out to me. I'd love to further discuss this with you, because we all want to be authentic in what we're communicating, and when we end up speaking from our heart, it's well received. And again, remember, they're coming to you because they love you, they care about you, and they want you in their life. And it may not seem like it in the moment, you know, and that's where it also comes in with being able to and the things that we say is a way to be. Able to keep ourselves safe, get ourselves and emotionally so we're not being emotionally tormented by this, and but at the same time being able to say, Well, I'm not I'm not going to not say something to you, because I'm concerned. And as as you get to a point of being able to just

10:26

freely get in a comfortable phrase or two that you want to be able to say to your loved one for the next time that this happens, or the first time that this happens, you'll be in a place of like peace, and you'll be able to say when you're not as emotionally charged and and I think about this, there's like an imagery that's just coming to my mind right now. And

10:56

now, there's a beach I go to, and on this far end of this beach, after I take a walk, it's kind of almost like this secluded place, like you might see one or two other people, but about like 10 yards out from the shoreline, there's this big, gigantic rock that sticks out of the Water. Doesn't matter how high the tide gets. This rock, you know, sticks out of, sticks out of the water, and

11:29

it's only about 10 yards away, like a first down away, and I'll go out to it, and it's easy to climb up on and get on top of. And like, when I get on top of it, it's like, kind of just me and the rock. We're just sitting there, and we're just looking at the ocean, and it's like, kind of drowns out anything else that's around me. And I get a chance just kind of think, and sometimes I get the opportunity to go up there and watch a sunset, you know, and then when it's over, I, you know, like I'm just kind of filled with this peace. And I come down and I keep picking the water, and just kind of, sometimes I walk, sometimes I swim, and I go over to, you know, back to the beach, and I get in a peaceful state to go back into the into the world, into whatever I'm doing. And I always know, like, it doesn't matter if the water's calm, it's low tide, that rock is

12:25

still going to be there.

12:27

If it's the water's crashing on it, the winds are high and the waves are booming and slapping up against the rock. I know that rock is there, and I can it's immovable, it's not going anywhere. And I've sat on I've sat with that rock multiple times in all kinds of weather, and that's the opportunity that you get to be in the midst of all of this. Believe me, I understand the chaos of addiction. I understand the torments that happens within families. However, for some reason, this individual is coming back to you, your loved one, who has that addiction, who's caused problems they know they've caused the problems they're hurting inside, you know, reaching out to you kind of saying, like, I really want you back in your my life, and they don't, sometimes even know how to articulate that. And there it is. There's that open door for you to be able to say and you know, I appreciate you reaching out to me. Hey, it seems like this means a lot to you. How come you don't stay sober for 30 days.

13:44

That can change somebody's complete world.

13:50

And also, I know anybody that we've you know, cut the phrasing down for their heart to be able to say this to their loved one. It took a piece within that, that individual. Because I know, I mean, you've made it this far in this podcast. You're listening to it because you care about your loved one. You've been the rock there for him. You're finding out, how can you possibly do even more? And that takes out a lot of anxiety and a lot of pressure on yourself. So by being able to have this phrasing that that just like kind of takes that heavy backpack off, that one gets to be put off, because you know what you're going to say, puts a little bit more ease into your own life, and it allows you to be present for your family, for your work, for yourself, for your friends, wherever you want it to be, just be less emotional energy that you have to expand expend on thinking about this. So I do challenge you all to come up with your phrasing for this and. And that I greatly appreciate each and every one of you being here with me today. And I would just want to say is, if you found this message helpful, please forward it to somebody. It is greatly helpful. If you like the podcast that give a five star rating, it does increase the algorithm here so that others can easily access this podcast, so until our next episode, remember, sobriety is a family affair.