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59. Transform Your ADHD Relationship Challenges into Strengths with Jessica Burgess
Episode 59 • 12th March 2024 • ADHD Mums • Jane McFadden
00:00:00 00:50:16

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Jane interviews Jessica Burgess, Psychologist on this expert view on Relationships (romantic) and ADHD.

Highlights

  • Jane talks about how she is hyperactive ADHD and her husband has self diagnosed inattentive ADHD and how that can create friction.
  • Jess talks about her relationships and how these have worked over the last few years
  • Jane and Jess talk about dividing house tasks and the balance/battle on time.
  • Jess talks about little known reasons that ADHD can impact relationships.
  • How we can take responsibility for our symptoms and how they effect relationships
  • Jess explains how inattentive ADHD can look calm on the outside but the person will be hit with anxiety at some point.
  • Jess and Jane discuss how to communicate frustration in a way that's productive and helpful rather than creating conflict.

You can listen to Jess' other episodes here:

Anxiety and ADHD

https://open.spotify.com/episode/17xW5V9PKkyncYUAnjVH1I?si=qk-_ko1yS9-vDUN6nkPJ7A

High performance and ADHD

https://open.spotify.com/episode/7sJmg4cjhe8mlme12KDITG?si=OIOMIWK5SRO2l7Rfm6qR-g

Transcripts

Speaker:

Hello and welcome to

the ADHD Mums podcast.

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Today we are very blessed

with Miss Jessica Burgess

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back and welcome to you Jess.

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Thanks, Jane.

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Great to be back.

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So for anyone who hasn't listened to

Jess's previous episodes, I'm going to

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put the previous episodes in the notes.

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So if you enjoyed listening

to it and you're like, I'd

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like to hear more of hers.

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We have two other episodes

that we have done.

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One was on ADHD and high performance and

the other one was on ADHD and anxiety.

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So I'm going to list them into the

notes in case you want to go back

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and I'll put all Jess's contact

details in case you love it and

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want to do some more with Jess.

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For those of you who haven't listened

to her former episode, Jess is the CEO

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of My Peaceful Mind, which is centered

around high achievers, CEOs, and

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entrepreneurs with mindset tools and

practices of psychology and hypnosis.

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to become mentally

thriving high performers.

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She has programs, retreats,

workshops, and educational tools.

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My peaceful mind is motivated to

change the hustle and achievement

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based success culture by changing

the beliefs and drivers behind it.

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So Jess is a psychologist.

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I've known for a long time.

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It feels like I think

I've, I hide you about.

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Four and a half years ago, I got

everything off my children's birth.

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So I'm pretty sure I was breastfeeding

a newborn when I met you and we've done

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so much work together and I sometimes.

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Like listen to what you say and then it

takes me about six months of thinking

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about it and then it eventually hits

when I'm ready So I love a lot of

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your philosophy on psychology, and I'm

really blessed and happy to have you

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here Today's episode is on Romantic

relationships, which is going to be

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a really interesting one So if you've

got anything you would like to share

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opening up things To begin with, Jess.

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Uh, so it's a really exciting

but very important topic, I feel.

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It's a lot unspoken and a lot of conflict

can be avoided and we could strengthen

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a lot more relationships from this talk.

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So thank you so much all for joining us.

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Jane is the absolute legend.

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I do actually have a flashback to my

first interview with her and she was

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definitely holding the baby at the time.

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I love it.

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Just very real from the get go.

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Very real from the get go.

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Well, I didn't have any moments

without the baby, so I was be like,

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I'd mute the baby, put the baby to

sleep, anyway, it's a whole thing.

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Good times.

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I'd like to say it was good times.

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It's more like, I hate

using the word trauma.

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Like people go, Oh, I've got trauma

from like going out to the mailbox

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and kicking my foot on the letterbox.

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But I feel like there was actually

some trauma from:

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that baby and started my business.

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Cause that like, that does

give me some cold shivers.

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Anyway, let's move on because

that was terrible time.

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So Jess, let's do some full

disclosure straight up.

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So I have ADHD and I'm super

hyperactive, more than inattentive

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or I might be inattentive, but my

anxiety drives over the top of that

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and I can rely on that as a motivator.

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So if I am a bit inattentive and

I slow to get started, my anxiety

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generally pushes me forward.

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My husband, who I have

diagnosed with ADHD.

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Not professionally at all.

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I think he's more inattentive, ADHD,

the medication works for him, which

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is kind of hilarious considering he

doesn't believe he has it, but him

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and I are very much yin and yang.

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Where would you and your husband kind of

sit on that before we kind of open up?

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I feel like there are a lot of

parallels with our relationship.

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I'm.

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Probably a bit more like

your lovely partner.

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I don't have the hyperactivity, but

the inattentiveness is definitely

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something that my husband would

say is present and then Vice versa.

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My husband is brilliant.

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They're very energetic.

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Also undiagnosed, but he

meets some of those criteria.

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So the ADHD diagnosis Yeah, I can

definitely see the parallels there.

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Yeah, absolutely the you understand

each other, but it's also I do

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experience a fair bit of friction

with some of the indetentiveness,

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which can be a bit of a ride.

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Let's do a relatable story just

to like kick it off, right?

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I always love a relatable story.

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So yesterday my husband and I have

always, we always battling time, right?

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Because I'm very hyperactive.

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Any moment is a moment that can be put

into a product productive moment, right?

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Especially over a weekend,

because I want to lose my shit.

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Because I'm just like, just

overdoing the kid stuff and I'm

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like wanting to use my brain.

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And anyway, so we actually have

two opposite ends because during

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the week I'm super productive and

hyperactive in any time I get alone.

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Any moment is used into productivity

and I often don't feed myself, do basic

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self care because I'm so busy trying

to get the most out of all the moments.

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My husband, super the opposite.

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So he will do everything

else he needs to do.

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He's very interested in self care and

exercise, and he will cook himself up

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a beautiful lunch every day, which like

I can't even heat up a meal and eat

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it because I don't have five minutes.

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I can't stand it because I think I could

do that later when the kids are here.

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I need to do something

with my brain anyway.

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So we have this friction every

weekend because he will often have

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left tasks for so long that they

become urgent over the weekend.

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Then he will often put in

a time frame, for example.

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Oh, I have to get it done

by Sunday five o'clock.

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So by putting a time frame in,

it forces him to finish, but

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that's actually on the weekend.

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So I've flogged myself during the

week to try and become present.

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So I don't have to be doing

stuff, even though mentally

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I'm really wanting to do it.

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And then I usually take the kids

to the park so he can finish off

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all the tasks that he hasn't done.

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I did that on Saturday after he'd already

had the whole morning off the kids.

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I then backed it up to the kids to

the park, really felt like I'd won

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the mom wife of the year doing it.

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to come back for him to say that he

hadn't even finished the tasks and he

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got distracted and he'd gone and done

something else unrelated and he still

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hadn't finished and I would need to

then isolate more time for him tomorrow.

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To send a simple email that I could

have done in about five seconds and that

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there was very grating, very grating

because you're same, same, but different.

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Yeah, absolutely.

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The way that you're seeing and approaching

situations, there can be quite a

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contrast and you feel like you're both

contributing and doing the best you can.

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But there can be different

challenges that come up with it,

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which is, and I want to commend you.

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Why for the year you did what you could

in that moment, you went out, you know,

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and I'm sure Jess had good reason for

why it didn't happen the way that it did.

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Oh yeah.

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Which is why sometimes it's got

to be even greater flexibility.

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Well, actually.

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Letting go of expectations

and embracing flexibility.

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Absolutely.

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I actually was proud of myself

because the last few months I've

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been better with saying what I need.

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So I actually said to him on Sunday,

I was a little dirty about it.

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I said to him on Sunday, just to

let you know, I'm feeling a little

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frustrated because I did take the kids.

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For a couple of hours to the park,

then you went out for dinner with

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your friends, which I was totally fine

about, for then you to not finish what

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you said you were gonna do because

you got distracted and he's like, I

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was very frustrated too with myself.

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Okay, anyway, but I did kind of name

the feeling rather than just go, it's

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fine, honey, and then die inside.

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Yeah, I'm really that's key.

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One of the key cornerstones of

foundations of a healthy relationship.

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It's having those tough conversations,

but I love jumping into the

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communication focus of this

podcast using those I statements.

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So you're not blaming.

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You're not pointing the finger.

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He's not going to get on the defensive

and like you acknowledge straight away.

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He actually honored.

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and validated that.

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He was frustrated too and he could

see why you'd be frustrated with it.

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There was no battle.

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There was no defensiveness.

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It was just the I statement allowed

you to express what was going on and

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for him to acknowledge it as well.

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Then I usually come up with a

bit of a plan moving forward.

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Yeah, it's interesting because

we, he did start to get a

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little defensive to be fair.

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And then I said to him, you know, when I

stomp around the house, And you say to me

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what's wrong and I don't look at you and

I'm quite short my answers and I won't

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tell you what's wrong for at least half

an hour and then you have to guess no,

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you know that that I do and it's like,

oh, yes, yes, I know that very well.

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And I said, I'm trying

to tell you how I feel.

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So I don't do that.

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And I was like, so I'm not blaming you.

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I'm just saying how I feel.

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And then he's, it's, it's, he's very,

he's a very emotional, intelligent man.

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I am.

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Very lucky.

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Cause I know a lot, some partners

can't go there, but it did kind of

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take the lid off the anger that I was.

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I was feeling, if I'm honest.

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Yeah, it's great how you

explained it as well.

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You got to normalise this

new pattern of communication.

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Because maybe he didn't understand

your intention to begin with.

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You're like, I'm giving

you an I statement.

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Can't you see?

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Like, I'm taking responsibility.

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And this way he feels safe enough.

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And we'll know the pattern in the future.

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So hopefully, lower the barriers

and the protector down to be able

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to actually hear what you're saying.

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Well, I think it was the lesser evil.

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Because it was like It was like, okay,

well, I listened to her for two, three

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minutes now and acknowledge her, or she's

going to stomp around, which I don't like.

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So I think he's thinking, oh, well,

I'll just, I'll just apologize,

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which I suppose is, is just.

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Everyone kind of learning.

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So what, Jess, in your professional

opinion, because you are the

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expert here, how do you think ADHD

impacts romantic relationships?

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Like, what do we need to

do to start to build those?

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Because that doesn't

always come natural to us.

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Let's just start with

the basics of education.

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From my understanding, a lot of

people, they go quite a few years

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without there actually being.

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a diagnosis or even recognition

of what they're experiencing.

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And then there's the

whole process of learning.

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What does this actually mean for me?

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And like we were saying in a partnership,

someone ADHD, someone not, someone ADD.

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And so every partnership

and container is unique.

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To them, but if you're not

aware of what's going on, you,

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there's going to be mislabeling.

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It's going to be misunderstanding

and misinterpretation of

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certain that are going on.

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Someone might think that you're

being disinterested without

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actually understanding that.

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Yeah, you might not be overly

focused, but you're giving what you

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can in your capacity in that moment.

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But your interest is somewhere

else, or they can think that

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you're an inconsiderate partner.

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If you always.

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You're for different things,

so you're not fully invested.

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So the first step is starting to have

some real honest communication and

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just being clear and educating yourself

as much as possible about how does my

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personal ADHD experience show up for me.

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And what, yeah, how does that impact

how I relate in my relationship

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and what do I take ownership for?

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And then start communicating.

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Yeah.

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I think that's great.

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I think that's great.

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So when you're talking about education,

how would you get educated on yourself?

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Cause sometimes it's taken me a lot,

actually, to be honest, I don't think

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I've only become aware since doing

this podcast because I talk to so

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many different people about ADHD.

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I've become a bit clearer.

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How would you kind of get educated

if you weren't really sure?

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So we've had previous podcasts on

talking to psychologists, getting

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the diagnosis, even just in sessions

starting to bring up, I think I might.

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Having some ADHD symptoms.

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Can we explore this further?

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There's also many, many resources

online as a starting point.

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If you're not feeling ready to go talk

to a psychologist just yet, and then

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you could also start listening to some

podcasts from experts in the field.

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Jane.

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To start seeing, getting more

experience and some feedback.

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Not a plug, such a plug.

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Getting some feedback.

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Because the most important point

is it will all look different.

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All our experiences are unique.

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There are different traumas.

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There are different learning and

developmental outcomes, so it's not, we

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don't want to kind of just keep it as like

a, Oh, what's the best way to put this?

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It's not black and white.

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And so it's approaching yourself with

compassion and kindness to say, okay,

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how is my memory being affected?

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How am I inattentive?

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What do I need to do to take

responsibility for my hyperactivity?

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How are my emotions with this?

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And then start going from there.

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And then having those

communications with your partner.

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Start shedding some

light on what's going on.

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Yeah, absolutely.

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And I think getting some, I'm always about

the relatable examples because what I

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found when I was diagnosed was There was

lots of experti chats, there was lots of

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Google documents, but when it came down

to it, I was like, am I inattentive?

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I don't think I am, but I did start to

notice when I heard or when, I mean,

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even TikTok can be really powerful to see

someone go, I'm actually doing a hundred

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things and I'm feeling really stressed

and I'm feeling really productive,

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but actually what did I achieve today?

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And that was when I was

like, Oh, actually, sometimes

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I never get the job done.

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But I feel like I've killed

it, but actually I haven't.

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So yeah, that can be hard too.

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Yeah, absolutely.

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Yeah.

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Yeah.

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So in my relationship, my beautiful

husband the other day, I'm quite

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a bit of a calming presence.

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Definitely.

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I think I'm a therapist.

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That's my, my genius zone.

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That's where I put all my interest

and focus into the rest of life.

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I've got some room for

improvement, but that's okay.

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Constantly growing, constantly expanding.

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Fanning constantly meditating, but he's

like, I just was like reflecting on you.

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How is she so calm and peaceful?

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Is it just that the other things that

the world, she just actually doesn't

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put attention and energy into it.

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She's just focused in her lane.

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Whereas my husband's like 50 things

at once excelling at those things

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somehow, but he's like, yeah, the calm.

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And then also just the different

approach and how that shows up.

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And he's learnt from me, like, he'll

start talking about football or

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things that I just have no interest

in and he'll just say this, I try

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really hard for about five minutes

and then this, this, nah, this fog.

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I'm out.

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And he's just learnt

and loved to let it go.

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He's let some of those dreams

die about me being a footy wife.

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Because he can just see how when

the disinterest hits it, it comes

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in strong and there's no, no battle

with that's winning without one.

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With those standards.

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Yeah, see, it's interesting because

I always wonder with, with my hubby.

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And actually with you as well,

because he comes across quite calm.

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He's definitely a bit of a rock and I

think you would, you would be similar.

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Right.

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And I say to him sometimes because I'm

just curious and I say to him, the list of

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stuff that you've got to do is monumental

because he's often procrastinating.

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Right.

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So it's not that things don't get added.

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He just doesn't actually move forward

on a lot of it, and he does it for such

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a long period of time, and he looks so

calm, and he comes home, he makes his big

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lunch, he sits down, then he lays down and

has a small kip sometimes, right, and I'm

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looking at his list, looking at him going,

I just don't understand how you could

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not worry about it, and, or, or go and do

all of this other stuff that's unrelated.

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Like, do you actually feel calm inside?

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Like, Or are you actually spinning inside?

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There can be calm before the storm.

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So sometimes the, the emotion I find

because we are quite emotionally aware

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and sensitive to experiences and quite

calm when we do have like a response,

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like anxiety, it hits us really hard and

it's almost like the uncharted territory.

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So they can be the avoidance or

just the presence outside of it.

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And then reality will hit.

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At a later time, and that's when

it can go to like a, to an eight

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or a nine physically in our body.

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And that's when you start to see the

other parts, the less calm parts.

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And it can be a bit of a shock when

someone seems to be so calm and

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such a rock for so much of the time.

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Does that relate to

you in your experience?

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Yeah, look, I always say to

Jez, like, especially if one

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of the kids hits their head or.

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There's what I deem an emergency and a

Jane emergency is not really an emergency.

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Like that's got a very, if I ring

him panicking, he doesn't know if

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that's I can't find my keys and I'm

hyperventilating because I've got

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to be at an appointment that doesn't

matter or whether someone's died.

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He has no idea and I'm probably the worst

person to have in a crisis, I reckon.

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So I always say to him, if I

see panic or anxiety on his

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face, I, it's sirens because he,

yeah, he does not show anything.

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And eventually he will crack

eventually, but then at that

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point, I do attempt to be really.

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I'm not going to be empathetic to him

because I'm like, shit, man, if he's going

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to crack, like it must be really bad.

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Yeah, absolutely.

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Like I was saying, it can hit in a very

different way, which is then in those

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moments being a partner, it's great.

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Like my husband will always guide

me, all right, yep, you know all the

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things, but go outside now, get that

fresh air, he'll sometimes take me

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out and actually remind me of the

things that we were both already know.

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But when you're still triggered by

the emotion, the logical brain can

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sometimes switch off, depending

what it is, which is really great.

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Our next point is.

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What are the best ways to have beautiful

communication with your partner and

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almost have structure around that

and establish clear expectations?

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And then what have you radically accepted

as a partner of someone with ADD?

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And what have you had to

radically accept in yourself?

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Two sentences, two questions in one.

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Yeah, well, I think the acceptance

is, yeah, I mean, the compassion

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and acceptance can be really

hard when you're aggravated.

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I mean, as only a husband

and wife can aggravate you.

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But then also I do try and think, okay,

well, I know that he is particularly

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bad at doing any administration

tasks and I'm pretty good at it.

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So it's frustrating to watch him drown.

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Right.

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But I also don't want to do it all

for him because then I'm like, well,

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he's not really upskilling either.

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But if I flip over to things that I'm

awful at, that he has to help me out

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and I think about how I just drown doing

them, but it can be really difficult.

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Absolutely.

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But like you, Vic acknowledge, you have

both learned to radically accept those

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other parts of you that might've been

quite confusing or mislabeled previously,

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and because you're accepting them

now, you know how to work together and

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you're strategizing or you're coming

up with plans to manage them when

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they do come up and then avoid them

or better manage them in the future.

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Okay.

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So let's say we're

particularly frustrated.

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:

I'm trying to think of a situation

I'm frustrated with my husband

365

:

about, it's just so many.

366

:

What, what could I think of that

I could share on this podcast?

367

:

Let's say for example, the back fence.

368

:

So he's still in his, like, starting,

get starting, getting distracted.

369

:

He's got to coordinate with a couple

of neighbors, get some quotes.

370

:

It's difficult to communicate with him

about it because sometimes he says to me,

371

:

you're looking at me like I'm an idiot.

372

:

And probably I am because I'm so highly

frustrated that he can't just text a few

373

:

different neighbors and get it sorted.

374

:

But I also don't want to take the job

from him because if I take all the

375

:

jobs, then I then get burnt out and I'm

resentful that he's not helping me, right?

376

:

So where's, where's the balance?

377

:

Because he's trying to help, but

he's not achieving the timeframes.

378

:

What will be some key things to remember

when I'm communicating with him about

379

:

something that I'm frustrated with?

380

:

So there is an element of

letting go and trusting the

381

:

process or trusting his process.

382

:

And even though sometimes we can

see the answer right in front of

383

:

us, it's very clear they're having

their experience because that's

384

:

what they're meant to be having and

journeying through and receiving.

385

:

At that time, and sometimes there is

a blessing or something does come out

386

:

the right way from their experience.

387

:

Well, the other 1 is just

having clear expectations or a

388

:

norm where he can come to you.

389

:

If he is feeling distressed, so it's

out of the priority list from 1 to 10.

390

:

How important is it?

391

:

That this takes flight and

we has a quicker outcome.

392

:

If you take a helicopter view and

picture it all in front of you, you

393

:

might say, well, end of the day,

it might take a bit longer than

394

:

expected, less, but that's okay.

395

:

He's doing what he has to do.

396

:

It's maybe like a 4 out

of 10, 9 We sitting down.

397

:

We having chats.

398

:

You're not go walking out that door.

399

:

I'm back in here.

400

:

All right.

401

:

I'm going to put my hat on.

402

:

So it's, it's weighing up what the

priority list is, but then if you can

403

:

really set some structure in place, so

it could be some couples is every day

404

:

you have those five minute conversations

and you just be real authentic with

405

:

what your experience for the day of

dinner, or without the kids not around.

406

:

You might say, what have we done well,

these areas that we could improve on,

407

:

or this is what I noticed happened.

408

:

Is there a different way you think

you can go about it next time?

409

:

So I've learned.

410

:

Depending on the state of someone,

it's sometimes the best to give them

411

:

advice because they're not in a place

or they're not ready to receive.

412

:

So you know how earlier in the

podcast, sometimes we have a chat

413

:

and something comes around six months

later, we all have that experience.

414

:

It's like, oh yeah, there was

so much truth to what they said.

415

:

I just couldn't see it

that way at the time.

416

:

I wasn't ready to see

it that way at the time.

417

:

So reversing it to, Oh, but what happened

today and seeing if there's a way that

418

:

they can elicit a different outcome, what

do you think you could have done instead?

419

:

Or is there something else you could

have done differently next time?

420

:

That way that gets them thinking

about what's happened rather than

421

:

you happen to be in the Travis.

422

:

Yeah, because I think as women,

we generally, or even as moms

423

:

as well, I think we often

take in a leadership position.

424

:

Someone described to me once being

a mom as just effectively being in

425

:

a leadership position constantly.

426

:

Being a good leader is keeping all of

the team members on board, including your

427

:

husband, because that is the strongest

way to conquer, right, the day with kids

428

:

and competing interests and lots on.

429

:

If you have a team member that's

not working with the team or

430

:

doesn't feel included, they will

systematically destroy that team and

431

:

they will make everything harder.

432

:

So, Actually being a mom and being a

wife sometimes can be about leadership

433

:

and becoming a good leader, which

is kind of funny because if moms go

434

:

back into the workforce often, it's

like, well, what skills do you have?

435

:

Like I'm like, they're usually a pretty

good communicator and they're a great

436

:

leader and they're a great coordinator

and they've got some pretty good admin

437

:

skills just to start project manager.

438

:

Absolutely.

439

:

Very emotionally intelligent as well.

440

:

I think that makes sense.

441

:

The key, key ways to communicate.

442

:

I was wondering, I have heard a

lot of people say that ADHD people

443

:

do not like being told what to do.

444

:

I have noticed with my husband,

if I directly tell him to fix that

445

:

fucking fence, he will not do it.

446

:

Do you think that's a real thing or not?

447

:

I mean, that's kind of the ego and

it's something that depending on

448

:

our journey, we can all experience.

449

:

There's something I think of it as the

role of the protector showing up in those

450

:

moments and the protector says, well,

this is part of me that might be rejected

451

:

or be a failure or not good enough.

452

:

And therefore I need to put up

this wall to keep myself safe.

453

:

Because if I was to feel, or if I was to

think for a second that I was a failure.

454

:

And what would that

mean for me as a person?

455

:

And it's a very, in a child,

it's a wounding response.

456

:

Someone who's done the work can

sit back and say, I'm still worthy.

457

:

I'm still enough.

458

:

Even, and I can actually take on the

feedback from this person and it's

459

:

not actually about me failing or not

impacting my self esteem or my identity,

460

:

regardless of going to make mistakes.

461

:

So that can be common with people that

have often felt not good enough in their

462

:

childhood or this needs to be perfect.

463

:

Well, there's a sense of failure.

464

:

And this needs to be approved to

gain people's approval as well.

465

:

Their protectors tend to be quite strong.

466

:

Yeah, so something that can really

help this is having conversations

467

:

firstly about what's going on.

468

:

And then just reframing the way

that you see feedback as, what would

469

:

it look like if you knew that you

were enough in those situations?

470

:

What would it look like for you to

know that it's okay to make mistakes

471

:

and you can still be well received and

still be loved and still be enough?

472

:

And the number one thing that's always

helped me is The people around me through

473

:

every conversation that I have, they

give me feedback and that's the number

474

:

one way that I can grow and learn.

475

:

Every person I encounter is some wisdom.

476

:

And so then that way the

defensive wall can come down.

477

:

It's like, okay, what's the lesson

I need to take this right now?

478

:

The sooner I learn the lesson, the

sooner that cycle will stop playing out.

479

:

And I keep moving forward.

480

:

And so having that at the forefront of

the awareness as well can help bring

481

:

some humility and bring those walls down

to better receive what you're saying.

482

:

My husband though would probably

say I'm still like quite defensive.

483

:

He calls me defensive Jess in saying

that, but I feel like outside of my

484

:

husband, I have a very open to feedback.

485

:

I feel like I've come a long way though.

486

:

I've come so long, such a long way.

487

:

Yeah.

488

:

I think the key ways to communicate

can be really because I feel like if

489

:

you have someone with ADHD on your

side, they're generally so capable.

490

:

They just have to be

in the right direction.

491

:

Like you just got to aim

them in the right way.

492

:

And they're, they are a lot better

than the communication can be

493

:

interesting back to the fence.

494

:

So I gave.

495

:

I said, my husband and I, we

had this whole thing around

496

:

what's important and what isn't.

497

:

So that's like for me, what I know is

actually trying to work on and what like

498

:

he's probably going to get to some point,

which just in my mind is like, okay, I

499

:

know he's probably not going to get there.

500

:

If I want him to do that, I'm probably

going to have to outsource that.

501

:

The fence has been one of those things.

502

:

And I said to him the other

day, look, Let's just, I don't

503

:

really look at the fence.

504

:

I don't really notice it.

505

:

It's actually you with the problem

with the fence more so than me.

506

:

I'm happy just to wait for you to do

it because we were talking about who

507

:

was going to do this fence thing.

508

:

Anyway, he goes to me, Oh, I feel like

if you knew more about the fence, you

509

:

probably would be worried about it.

510

:

I said, really?

511

:

And he goes, well, I just wanted

to let you know that, just go home.

512

:

I just wanted to let you know that

there is a American pit bull on one

513

:

side of the fence that is broken.

514

:

There's only a little bit left to

go and that pit bull will be loose.

515

:

And that people may go into our yard.

516

:

And I was like, Oh my God, cause

I'm actually quite scared of

517

:

dangerous, not dangerous, but breeds

that I don't really know well.

518

:

I don't, I've never really had a dog.

519

:

I don't know a lot about them anyway.

520

:

And I was like, Oh, that sounds

like something that's terrifying.

521

:

Like.

522

:

that we've got kids.

523

:

That's not a good idea.

524

:

Anyway, he's like, Oh, don't

worry because that dog is only

525

:

really aggressive to other dogs.

526

:

And there's these Labradors on

the other side of the fence.

527

:

It's going to go right in there.

528

:

Oh my God.

529

:

I am suddenly seeing this as

an emergency, but for him.

530

:

It is still, it is still not an emergency.

531

:

So at some point we are going to have

to tackle this fence and I'm there

532

:

going, I don't know how to communicate

much more calmly, but I'm going to

533

:

need that fixed in the next month.

534

:

Like that just has to happen.

535

:

But as soon as I go really direct, I

just noticed that he's like shut down.

536

:

I'm not going to do that.

537

:

Yeah, absolutely.

538

:

Well, if you are going to have

some structured communication or

539

:

in structured, it's letting him

know, look, I just need a timeframe.

540

:

Because what's going on right now is

creating a lot of anxiety for me with the

541

:

uncertainty and I feel really supported.

542

:

And protect it.

543

:

If I knew when this was going to be done,

and is there anything that I can do to

544

:

support you as you're handling this?

545

:

And I thank you so much for what

you're doing, but let me know if

546

:

there's things that I can do because

I really excel in these areas well,

547

:

and I can compliment you for coming

to China, find that middle ground.

548

:

It'd be helpful.

549

:

I feel like at the end of this, Jess, I'm

going to be like, can, can we get married?

550

:

Okay.

551

:

Join.

552

:

Join.

553

:

Okay.

554

:

So let's go to the next one,

which was really interesting

555

:

one, emotional intensity.

556

:

So I have really struggled with

this dating wise because I kind

557

:

of want to know what the outcome

is going to be immediately.

558

:

So I make immediate judgments,

not very good at like letting

559

:

go and seeing how it goes.

560

:

And oh, I don't know.

561

:

I'm just floating with the breeze.

562

:

How do you, with emotional

intensity, how does that play

563

:

out in long term relationships

and also Kind of like dating.

564

:

If it's unconscious, so you haven't

actually done work to explore the drivers

565

:

and the why, it can be self sabotaging

and a really big barrier to connection.

566

:

The first step is starting to, I

guess, build that self connection

567

:

and getting familiar with why is

there so much emotional intensity?

568

:

What are the beliefs that are

driving and creating that for me?

569

:

And then how can I best support

myself and guide my heart?

570

:

Take care of this dynamic.

571

:

So there's that radical acceptance.

572

:

So this is what the pattern is.

573

:

What do I have to take that

radical responsibility for to

574

:

make sure we're all okay in this?

575

:

Because it can be an emotional

rollercoaster when you're

576

:

experiencing emotions that

significantly and that strong.

577

:

And if you already know that when

you're in an emotional state, you're

578

:

not going to be thinking logically.

579

:

All those plans that you made might

be a little rough or unaccessible.

580

:

It's even more important to go in primed

and prepared, prepared, consciously, and

581

:

then you can also do some visualization

work around that as well to support

582

:

you for those situations that arise.

583

:

Now, if they're, you know, one of those

spontaneous situations that we all have.

584

:

If you still even have like a basic

framework of going outside, outside,

585

:

grounding, jumping on the grass, doing

start jumps, getting the adrenaline out of

586

:

your body because the motion stored in the

physical body, not so much the thought.

587

:

So for the first few minutes,

your best response would be to get

588

:

outside and quickly, my husband's

always like, get outside and shake.

589

:

And I'm like, yes, you're right.

590

:

Like shaking like a weirdo in my

backyard and then for at least like

591

:

three to five minutes and then I'm

like, oh, okay, blow my breath.

592

:

I might do some breath

work, couple of rounds.

593

:

Now I can start exploring the situation

and how it was feeling more clearly.

594

:

There's a point though when

someone's like, How are you feeling?

595

:

When you're in the peak of

emotional intensity, you're

596

:

like, Just leave me alone!

597

:

Because your body is actually

not in the place to receive.

598

:

Just needs to go through the physical

experience and so release or Just

599

:

give that adrenaline and cortisol a

bit of direction so you can calm your

600

:

body and then be present and focused.

601

:

Does that help?

602

:

Does that make sense?

603

:

Yeah, it does.

604

:

It's funny because when it's like when you

need to do that and you should do that,

605

:

you don't want to be told to do that.

606

:

That's my experience.

607

:

So you might have people say to

me, do you want to go for a walk?

608

:

Right?

609

:

I'm like, I don't want to go for a walk.

610

:

I don't need to go for a walk.

611

:

And it's like, actually,

he's totally right.

612

:

But in that moment, I'm

like, what do you mean?

613

:

There's nothing wrong with me.

614

:

I don't But you were right, I

think that's what we should do.

615

:

It's hard sometimes in the

moment to recognize that.

616

:

Yeah.

617

:

It's, yeah, it's, it's interesting

one because sometimes I think there's

618

:

so much going on in our brains.

619

:

It's, it's difficult to then receive a

hug or like more sensory, like you're

620

:

overloaded and then someone will come in

to hug you and you're like, fuck off mate.

621

:

He's generally my, cause I'm

like, I don't want to be targed.

622

:

I don't want any, I just need

actually some more quiet time,

623

:

but it's such a rude thing.

624

:

That's why I'm making a plan.

625

:

Yeah.

626

:

It can become a crosscut route.

627

:

Yeah, absolutely.

628

:

That's why having these conversations

in advance with your best friend.

629

:

So with my husband and I,

that's just an agreement.

630

:

I'll see him stressing out the desk.

631

:

Okay, what do you need from me right now?

632

:

I can see right now that

you're not doing that great.

633

:

Do you need to go outside?

634

:

What's best for you to

start regulating yourself?

635

:

And we've both learned to

respond to that in the moment.

636

:

Yeah, because we know we're going

to feel so much better and there's

637

:

no, again, no defensiveness.

638

:

There's no, like, I'm

telling you what to do.

639

:

It's like, we both know we can

struggle from time to time.

640

:

And we both know that's going to be

a thing to support us in the moment.

641

:

And we just see that direction.

642

:

So we take it straight away.

643

:

I've read somewhere about dating and

ADHD that Often people with ADHD can

644

:

jump to the conclusion real quick, like,

you know how it's about the journey and

645

:

sometimes dating is about learning about

yourself and it's about experiences and

646

:

joy and having a good time, let's say.

647

:

Sometimes that can be like shaded over

by the emotional intensity of like over

648

:

texting, texting too many times, not

being out of weight, being consumed.

649

:

And I suppose that rejection

sensitivity as well.

650

:

I very badly did not succeed in dating.

651

:

And I think there was

ADHD was probably why.

652

:

Um, obviously I'm married now, but I

was lucky to jag my hubby when he was

653

:

looking for a long term relationship.

654

:

So I've managed to run into him at

a time that he was available and

655

:

interested in something long term, which

had been on my radar for a long time.

656

:

And possibly I wasn't ready,

but we managed to connect with

657

:

the right timing, which was

probably really important because.

658

:

I, my intensity was matched by somebody

who was like, yeah, well, I'm, I

659

:

mean, yeah, I'm pretty keen for that.

660

:

Fine.

661

:

He was, he's had no problems, but if

that intensity is, is not matched by,

662

:

and he's also a little bit older, so he

was probably a little bit more mature

663

:

where the, you know, I've probably

been dating people that were more.

664

:

Like the same age as me, who were in

a totally different place, how, what

665

:

are some ways to kind of navigate that?

666

:

Yeah.

667

:

So again, noticing and recognizing

your pattern, the first thing

668

:

to do is acknowledge and accept

that this is my pattern when I,

669

:

I do feel things really strongly.

670

:

And there's also that dopamine release

that's probably going to hit me even

671

:

stronger, which is going to lead to

more of the obsessive behaviors, which

672

:

will then self sabotage or create

connect or come across as desperation,

673

:

which isn't going to serve me.

674

:

Moving forward.

675

:

So what I need to start

doing is feeding the wound.

676

:

The opposite of rejection is that

radical self acceptance and self love.

677

:

So what practically cannot be doing

not just behaviorally taking actions

678

:

and doing my hair, nails or whatever

by feeding my soul with words of life.

679

:

And like, I am valued.

680

:

I am accepted to doing meditations

around that and doing the conscious

681

:

work of like, speaking it out loud and

taking actions in line with the higher

682

:

value version of you that you truly

are at your core beyond the wounding.

683

:

And then the next step

is training presence.

684

:

So your pattern is the over texting or the

obsessive thought response by knowing the

685

:

thoughts that would be showing up for you.

686

:

It'd be having a key replacement thought

that you could be meditating on during

687

:

that time and things that will really

stroke me, maybe in healthy ways.

688

:

They're going to get you feeling

really good about yourself.

689

:

And then it's also having some

rules that you could put in place.

690

:

For example, I don't reply for

two days and you're just going

691

:

to set some really clear rules.

692

:

I'm not going to wait.

693

:

I'm gonna wait for a day.

694

:

Things that you can hold yourself

to, knowing your pattern.

695

:

So it's always coming back to, is

this leading me towards my goal of

696

:

connection or is it leading me towards

disconnection or self sabotage?

697

:

So if you have that little scale going

on, is the overtexting coming across

698

:

and leading me towards connection?

699

:

If it's not, okay, what's my

radical responsibility step?

700

:

What's going to help me nurture that?

701

:

Maybe like a date, something like that.

702

:

Yeah, setting up some structure.

703

:

That actually, yeah, I feel like I

should have had that conversation

704

:

with you when I was dating.

705

:

I was terrible at it.

706

:

But you know what though, as we

do with The Rabbit Hole, Gigi, my

707

:

daughter, is obsessed with love

and who does she get it from?

708

:

Me.

709

:

I love romance novels, right?

710

:

It's, I just love them.

711

:

And we were watching, we had a girl's

night, Saturday night, which involves

712

:

her and I watching High School

Musical, which she loves, right?

713

:

And it means Zac Efron.

714

:

I mean, I like her, I like her taste.

715

:

Like that's, that makes sense to me.

716

:

So we make popcorn, we sit on the

couch, we watch high school musical.

717

:

And I noticed we're watching number two

and Zac Efron was kind of like, he, he

718

:

didn't, he wanted to be with Gabriela,

the lead, right, the one that he ends up

719

:

with, but he got a bit like distracted

by this other blonde girl who was kind

720

:

of like using her parents money and

status to kind of like, he could have

721

:

got a college scholarship or something.

722

:

And he got a bit distracted.

723

:

Kept making dates with her

and then not turning up.

724

:

And it was really interesting because the

way that that played out in the movie was

725

:

Gabriella, the lead, who was beautiful

in her own right and lovely, right.

726

:

And sweet and gorgeous.

727

:

She just went about her life.

728

:

You didn't see her texting him,

worrying about him, whinging

729

:

about him, obsessing about him.

730

:

Every time he turned up, she was

just having a good time with her

731

:

friends and he was just watching

her like, I wish I could do that,

732

:

but I'm off on this other journey.

733

:

And in the end, they ended up together.

734

:

But I just thought it was really

interesting the way that the newer movies.

735

:

Play out with the woman, not sitting

back and not obsessing and not

736

:

crying about the other blonde girl.

737

:

She just went, had a good time with her

friends, which I thought was awesome.

738

:

That's amazing because the, when we watch

TV, often a darkened, darkened room, those

739

:

messages go straight into us subconscious.

740

:

So reflecting back on our upbringing,

all the stories we saw, there was.

741

:

A lot of probably unhelpful messages

that were received unconsciously and

742

:

locked in the filing cabinet in our

minds, and we've never corrected them.

743

:

They'll be like, why is it not

going this way that I've been

744

:

told it would go my entire life?

745

:

Because since the age of five, I was

seeing things on TV and my mind told

746

:

me that was the way it should be.

747

:

A different level of that.

748

:

So I love that there now is a really

beautiful, healthy way of communicating

749

:

how a relationship can look.

750

:

You can be independent, self loving,

live a rich life and trust and

751

:

know that the right person will be

attracted to you at the right time

752

:

as you're doing your own thing.

753

:

It's not about you failing or not

being good enough if they don't respond

754

:

or react in the way that you hope.

755

:

It's just a divine timing situation.

756

:

So I think that's great.

757

:

It's being role model.

758

:

Yeah.

759

:

I was really impressed too because some

of those love stories, as you said,

760

:

when we were growing up, it's like,

I look back and I'm thinking that's

761

:

actually really unhealthy messaging.

762

:

So thanks for that movies.

763

:

But anyway.

764

:

Okay.

765

:

So time management and practice.

766

:

And being flexible to go along with it.

767

:

That is a bit of an art form just

in itself for anyone with ADHD.

768

:

What are your kind of thought

patterns around that one?

769

:

So knowing how you both as a couple,

how you, you excel, what your

770

:

strengths are, what is the routine

that you can put in place that can

771

:

still have some level of flexibility?

772

:

Don't want to get to the point

of being so rigid with it because

773

:

it's an element of control, trying

to keep everything on top of it.

774

:

And then the situation

you did earlier with Jez.

775

:

All of a sudden, he's got a weekend

planned, you've planned something,

776

:

there's expectation, and then reality

is not met, and you're left with

777

:

frustration, which is a natural emotional

response for something not going the

778

:

way that you thought it would go, right?

779

:

So we want to have some flexibility, but

a bit of a general routine or structure,

780

:

especially if you've got kids thrown

in as well, so you both know what's

781

:

going along, and you're both choosing

that in a way that works for you two.

782

:

What have you found works so far?

783

:

Well, you know what?

784

:

I'm pretty good on the

visual calendar now.

785

:

So I'm one of those mums that

were told by an OT to do some

786

:

things that I now actually do for

myself and my husband as well.

787

:

Which I think the visual

calendars really work.

788

:

I do find having everything on

your phone in really small letters

789

:

and then you can miss things.

790

:

It stresses me out and

I'm constantly on it.

791

:

I think you in the anxiety episode that

we did have gotten me more on paper.

792

:

So actually that's been

life changing for me.

793

:

We had a conversation if you

haven't heard it, go back and

794

:

listen to it on anxiety and ADHD.

795

:

But we had a conversation around

my head being so hyperactive.

796

:

That then I would want to

write it down in my phone.

797

:

So I'd write, write down all

the things in my phone because

798

:

then I'd be able to relax.

799

:

Otherwise it goes around

and around and around.

800

:

But what I would do is I'd open a

can of worms by opening my phone.

801

:

I'd then have messages.

802

:

I'd then have notifications and didn't

matter how much I tried, you would

803

:

accident and get down a rabbit hole.

804

:

And this isn't social media.

805

:

This is just like pure work.

806

:

I just start going into work mode.

807

:

And Jess was talking about getting a

memo pad or getting some little paper.

808

:

And now I try and really reduce

what's in my phone to a paper

809

:

that I leave like in a desk.

810

:

So I'm actually a desk working.

811

:

I can look at it, but I'm not looking at

it all day, which is what I was doing.

812

:

So for me, I think the

visual calendar on the wall.

813

:

And having things out of my phone and

on paper in a spot that I actually work

814

:

because if I'm at the park with my kids

and I've got my to do list open and then

815

:

Jez starts talking to me about how he's

feeling and what his plans are, it's

816

:

very difficult for me to concentrate

on that because I've just gone into

817

:

productivity mode where I'm then thinking

about what I can achieve on my list.

818

:

whilst being at the park,

which is not very good wifing.

819

:

So I suppose for time management in

practice, that for me has helped because

820

:

I need to unwind a little bit more.

821

:

But it can be frustrating to

watch someone else that's probably

822

:

maybe not their skill set.

823

:

Because you're trying to get them to wind

up, but I also don't want to blow him

824

:

up with anxiety, but I'm also like, I'm

super anxious and I'm super stressed.

825

:

Why aren't you?

826

:

Because I'm almost jealous and

envious that, that they, they

827

:

looking like they're pretty chill.

828

:

They're on the couch.

829

:

And I'm in a spin over here.

830

:

So you're kind of like, can we

balance each other out somewhere?

831

:

Because it's, we're not

meeting in the middle.

832

:

Yeah, absolutely.

833

:

There's that middle point of my

emotions and my responsibility,

834

:

I'm the one creating them

with my thoughts and beliefs.

835

:

Therefore, what do I have

to do in this situation?

836

:

What is self created?

837

:

And maybe we also know when we're driven

by emotion, all of a sudden we tunnel

838

:

vision in on our wounding, all the things

that we've done wrong by, and it's like

839

:

the puzzles laid out and we've turned

over one piece or maybe like five pieces.

840

:

And there's a lot.

841

:

But on the other hand, if there is

something that your husband, your

842

:

partner isn't doing, they're not

bringing their weight to, then that's the

843

:

invitation to have those conversations.

844

:

And again, having some structure every

day around like, if you're super busy

845

:

and you got all these responsibilities

going on, there's no time to have

846

:

those conversations with your partner.

847

:

It could be every day 10 minutes, we

just sit down and have some honest

848

:

communication with how the day went,

talk about the really good things, the

849

:

things that we admire, talk about the

things that maybe we struggled with,

850

:

not attacking, just being present.

851

:

Those are the acts of listening,

reflecting back to what your experiences

852

:

both were, and then finishing up with

an action step or a problem solving

853

:

step of, okay, what do we have to do

moving forward so that we're not playing

854

:

the cycle out over and over again?

855

:

How can we both take that

responsibility for our relationship

856

:

to keep moving forward?

857

:

But I do find, again, the flexibility is

a big key piece, along with forgiveness.

858

:

There's a lot of forgiveness pieces going

on as well, because those are expectations

859

:

that are always not being met, and they

have to be moved and shifted around.

860

:

Yeah, and I think that expectations

can be a real problem as well.

861

:

I know I have really high expectations

of myself and also others around me,

862

:

and that actually can be difficult for

the other person who's just, they're

863

:

not meeting them, or I'm at them, or

I'm feeling that they're not meeting

864

:

them because they're where, why does it

matter and whose expectations are they?

865

:

And that's just a reflection

of my childhood and my dad's.

866

:

High and unrealistic expectations

that he held that I never met.

867

:

So I also wanna be really careful, and

I've acknowledged that I do do that.

868

:

And then you've got someone

who's constantly not meeting

869

:

expectations and then it's sad.

870

:

It's awful for them.

871

:

Sorry, you go, Jess.

872

:

Yeah.

873

:

When I found there's a beautiful lady,

Katie, and I'll remember her last name in

874

:

a second, but she has these four questions

that you can use to explore your beliefs.

875

:

Very simple.

876

:

And I always come back to them.

877

:

Sometimes I even just use one Katie Byron.

878

:

Yeah.

879

:

Beautiful.

880

:

So she says, the first thing is

once you're aware of what's going

881

:

on, you ask yourself, is this true?

882

:

So if the belief is my partner

should be helping me with dinner,

883

:

should word already like flag

for self Chinese language.

884

:

Like I wish I prefer, and he's

just being lazy right now.

885

:

Is it true?

886

:

Is it true that they should

be helping you for dinner?

887

:

Maybe, but maybe you haven't

had that discussion before.

888

:

Maybe it's just something that

you're projecting out there.

889

:

And then you can ask again,

like, is this really true?

890

:

Is it an expectation that you're

just creating or are they creating?

891

:

When I have this thought or this

belief, how does it make me feel?

892

:

And how do I act?

893

:

Because straight away you're doing

some mild, mild CBT on yourself.

894

:

And you start bringing

awareness to your own pattern.

895

:

I love this one.

896

:

Who would I be without the thought?

897

:

So say girls on the couch, you're in

the kitchen and those thoughts are

898

:

playing out, but if they're in that

moment, they didn't exist and you just

899

:

had a clear mind, how would you respond

physically, emotionally and mentally?

900

:

You probably would just cut

your carrots without stress.

901

:

You just would be there,

like, doing the activity.

902

:

But it's the thought that Jez should be

helping me that's creating the distress,

903

:

which is then creating the disconnection.

904

:

And the last one is, like, what's

the opposite of this thought?

905

:

So Jez should be helping me.

906

:

The opposite would be I

should be helping, right?

907

:

So what does it look like?

908

:

What do I have to do to help me then?

909

:

Do I have to get extra support?

910

:

And is it the right time

for me to be doing this?

911

:

Have a conversation and love knowing that

he's doing what he needs to right now.

912

:

So they're four simple questions.

913

:

Keith's got quite a few

YouTubes on them as well.

914

:

So you can see some real

life role play scenarios.

915

:

Also got a book, but yeah,

they've, they've really helped me.

916

:

And sometimes it's just the question

of who am I without the thought or.

917

:

What's the opposite of this thought,

especially when I find myself being

918

:

like, Joel should be doing this,

or you should be straight away, I'm

919

:

like, the reverse is I should be.

920

:

And that takes responsibility back

to you and puts you in the driver's

921

:

seat with what you're going to take,

what action you're going to take next.

922

:

Yeah, absolutely.

923

:

I love that.

924

:

And I suppose psychologist or

counselor, relationship expert,

925

:

whoever you want to see, maybe I

don't help you unpack some of this.

926

:

It's, if it's difficult to just

start out of nowhere, like let's say

927

:

you've been together for 10 years,

you listen to this podcast, you're

928

:

like, well, I don't even know how to

begin having that conversation with my

929

:

partner because he might not be ready.

930

:

He might think it's weird.

931

:

We've never done that before.

932

:

And I think sometimes that

professional help can help,

933

:

especially in the beginning.

934

:

Yeah, absolutely.

935

:

Starting to get you familiar with your

patterns, the unconscious things that

936

:

you have, what's playing out on your

end that you can start shifting and

937

:

changing and you being a team as well.

938

:

So you're both in this together.

939

:

Yeah.

940

:

If it's hard to have those conversations

without some support there.

941

:

Yeah, absolutely, and I think as well,

depending on who you're with, if you're

942

:

with somebody who generally has quite

good intentions and they really love

943

:

you, I think sometimes it's easy to

take the excuse that we can't control.

944

:

or they're doing this to me, but I found,

and this might just be me that if I change

945

:

my behavior first, they will often change

their behavior without a conversation.

946

:

So we actually think have, and this

might be controversial, have more power

947

:

or control than what we think we have.

948

:

Because often if we wait for them

first, often I find if I change

949

:

myself, they will then change too.

950

:

So that can be really powerful.

951

:

Even if your partner's not on board.

952

:

To self discover and then

start to make changes.

953

:

Absolutely.

954

:

And one of a man's basic

needs is for admiration.

955

:

And so when we're constantly in this

place of trying to correct them or

956

:

give them guidance and feedback, that's

another reason their defender slash

957

:

protector comes in full speed ahead

because there's an imbalance there and

958

:

they're not, they're feeling they don't

have your respect and your admiration.

959

:

So if you can always come back to

really speaking life and encouragement

960

:

over them when you do give feedback

or you do have those moments.

961

:

They're going to be better received.

962

:

Always love sandwich them well.

963

:

Yeah.

964

:

I mean, everyone likes a shit

sandwich or a love sandwich.

965

:

Everyone responds better that, and even

when you know that you're getting one,

966

:

you still appreciate the effort, right?

967

:

Like if someone's telling me feedback

and I know that they're going in nice

968

:

and they're about to come in hard in

the middle and then finish with, I

969

:

still, I know that it's kind of that.

970

:

But I'm also like, it does take the

blow out, even if you know what it is.

971

:

Yeah.

972

:

But I would even go a step further

to say that it's actually you being

973

:

intentional to see the good in a

situation where we could be primed

974

:

to only see the bad, perceived bad.

975

:

Because when we're in the middle of

a wound, often we're seeing, or me,

976

:

woe is me, I'm being mistreated.

977

:

It should have happened differently.

978

:

It's taking, it's allowing

yourself to train your mind to

979

:

see the other side of that coin.

980

:

You get to create two heads

instead of just one, right?

981

:

Two sides of that coin.

982

:

And it's a fantastic exercise to have

to keep you balanced in a relationship.

983

:

Yeah, absolutely.

984

:

And I think if you're looking

for positivity, you'll find it.

985

:

If you're looking for

negativity, you'll find it.

986

:

And it's easy to wake up in the morning.

987

:

We've got PMS, we've been up all night,

we've really tired and feeling burnt out.

988

:

And then you just look

around and you just see.

989

:

Things that are not happening the way

you, it should be, which actually kind of

990

:

ruins your day more than anyone else's.

991

:

Yeah, absolutely.

992

:

But I also want to add the

importance of validating yourself.

993

:

I find a lot of beautiful mothers

that are juggling 50 things and then

994

:

sometimes the husband's protectors

come in for probably good reason,

995

:

but he's not ready to receive.

996

:

It can make you feel maybe You gaslight

yourself, or you think I should be able

997

:

to do this, or you don't fully acknowledge

that it is really hard, or this didn't

998

:

go the way, and you're disappointed, or

you're frustrated, and that's okay, which

999

:

is why the I statements are so important.

:

00:46:21,409 --> 00:46:23,409

You're validating your emotional state.

:

00:46:23,409 --> 00:46:24,060

You're not attacking.

:

00:46:24,060 --> 00:46:25,620

You're just saying, this

is what came up for me.

:

00:46:26,030 --> 00:46:27,400

What can we do moving forward?

:

00:46:27,740 --> 00:46:30,020

Validation is so important

for health and well being.

:

00:46:30,070 --> 00:46:31,860

We don't want to sit breath,

we want to work knowledge.

:

00:46:32,080 --> 00:46:34,780

Yeah, it's always that question of

whether you're being reasonable or not.

:

00:46:34,840 --> 00:46:37,309

Because when you have such

competing demands, everyone's

:

00:46:37,310 --> 00:46:39,090

fatigued, everyone's exhausted.

:

00:46:39,370 --> 00:46:42,199

Doesn't feel like many, anyone

has got to do anything that

:

00:46:42,210 --> 00:46:43,419

they want to do for a long time.

:

00:46:43,419 --> 00:46:48,200

And then, you're kind of like, Am I

blowing up over this empty dishwasher or

:

00:46:48,210 --> 00:46:53,520

full dishwasher because it's really an

issue or is it just that I'm exhausted

:

00:46:53,530 --> 00:46:56,810

and I'm just projecting shit like it's

actually really hard to know at times

:

00:46:57,040 --> 00:47:00,699

what's real and what's what's suck

it up and what's actually something

:

00:47:00,699 --> 00:47:02,799

that you should address for me.

:

00:47:02,800 --> 00:47:04,150

I have trouble knowing because.

:

00:47:04,525 --> 00:47:09,105

You're just so tired and you're like,

is this the straw that breaks me or is

:

00:47:09,115 --> 00:47:14,595

this me being unrealistic and actually

he's struggling as much as I am because

:

00:47:14,595 --> 00:47:15,915

it's having a really hard weekend.

:

00:47:16,074 --> 00:47:16,944

Absolutely.

:

00:47:16,984 --> 00:47:18,875

But it's good that you're giving

yourself a chance to take a step

:

00:47:18,875 --> 00:47:22,825

back and see, okay, big picture, that

helicopter view again, what are the

:

00:47:22,825 --> 00:47:24,485

missing pieces if I was looking upwards?

:

00:47:24,775 --> 00:47:27,395

And down in my situation,

what's going on with Jess?

:

00:47:27,395 --> 00:47:28,725

What's been going on with the kids today?

:

00:47:28,725 --> 00:47:29,805

How's my general energy?

:

00:47:29,815 --> 00:47:31,415

How's happening with work or school?

:

00:47:31,725 --> 00:47:32,805

All these things are coming together.

:

00:47:32,814 --> 00:47:36,354

And if that's the case, what do I have

to do is that honoring and building self

:

00:47:36,354 --> 00:47:40,874

care and what kind of agreement around

self care my partner and I have along

:

00:47:40,874 --> 00:47:42,405

with having these honest conversations.

:

00:47:43,345 --> 00:47:48,005

There was, I think Byron Katie, no,

there might be another lady, sorry.

:

00:47:48,315 --> 00:47:52,525

She talks about the shame researcher,

that will come to my mind shortly.

:

00:47:52,885 --> 00:47:53,415

Thank you.

:

00:47:53,415 --> 00:47:54,015

Saved me.

:

00:47:54,065 --> 00:47:54,575

Yes.

:

00:47:54,675 --> 00:47:55,625

I was like, there's so many.

:

00:47:56,654 --> 00:47:59,575

She was talking about, there's just,

with her and her husband, there's

:

00:47:59,575 --> 00:48:02,424

this expectation and there's just

knowing that you're probably going

:

00:48:02,424 --> 00:48:03,735

to be depleted by the end of the day.

:

00:48:03,735 --> 00:48:05,745

So they actually quantify

it by percentages.

:

00:48:06,235 --> 00:48:09,305

She'll say, babe, I'm feeling

60 percent today and he'll

:

00:48:09,305 --> 00:48:10,755

be like, Oh, I'm feeling 40%.

:

00:48:10,975 --> 00:48:11,335

Okay.

:

00:48:11,365 --> 00:48:14,965

So how can we both, what can I bring

based on my 16, you're on your 40, but

:

00:48:14,965 --> 00:48:18,774

sometimes actually giving it a label

or a number can help rather than, Oh,

:

00:48:18,775 --> 00:48:20,475

I'm depleted, but you must be fine.

:

00:48:20,875 --> 00:48:22,425

You haven't done the work that I've had.

:

00:48:22,615 --> 00:48:28,084

It's kind of like, you don't want to be

competing, which is such a area to get

:

00:48:28,084 --> 00:48:29,875

into the new competing against who's.

:

00:48:30,375 --> 00:48:30,975

Who's what?

:

00:48:30,975 --> 00:48:31,955

Who's more tired?

:

00:48:31,955 --> 00:48:32,125

Who?

:

00:48:32,125 --> 00:48:34,755

You don't have any right to feel

like that because I've done this.

:

00:48:35,015 --> 00:48:38,885

Once you get there, oh yeah, and you're

not in a good spot, never comes, there's

:

00:48:38,915 --> 00:48:40,484

no winners from that conversation.

:

00:48:41,865 --> 00:48:45,204

But if someone's like, I'm 20 and your

partner's like, well, I'm 20 as well.

:

00:48:45,245 --> 00:48:45,524

Okay.

:

00:48:45,524 --> 00:48:46,675

What do we both have to do then?

:

00:48:46,685 --> 00:48:49,795

Because we're feeling 20 and you're both

recognizing you're on the same page.

:

00:48:49,795 --> 00:48:53,065

So you both need support and it might

be pulling things right back or what

:

00:48:53,065 --> 00:48:54,455

can we both do to support each other?

:

00:48:54,825 --> 00:48:57,375

But if someone's like 80, they

might need to take a seat on

:

00:48:57,375 --> 00:48:58,605

the couch, I'll make dinner.

:

00:48:58,920 --> 00:49:01,400

I'm feeling pretty good tonight and

it will come around the other way

:

00:49:01,400 --> 00:49:03,190

as well in a healthy relationship.

:

00:49:03,310 --> 00:49:03,700

Yeah.

:

00:49:03,700 --> 00:49:06,210

And that's where I think

giving does change things.

:

00:49:06,220 --> 00:49:10,029

So if kind of you're listening and you're

thinking, Oh, I would always be 50 and

:

00:49:10,030 --> 00:49:13,109

he would just say 10 and I would have to

do everything and he wouldn't, I reckon

:

00:49:13,109 --> 00:49:15,920

there'd be some people in this podcast

that that's what they would go into.

:

00:49:16,250 --> 00:49:19,520

It's interesting because I really

believe in a healthy relationship.

:

00:49:19,520 --> 00:49:22,004

As you pointed out, we're talking

about healthy relationships.

:

00:49:22,215 --> 00:49:23,815

If you give, you then will receive.

:

00:49:23,815 --> 00:49:26,055

Human nature is, is generally that way.

:

00:49:26,065 --> 00:49:27,905

It's particularly if you're with

someone who actually really loves

:

00:49:27,905 --> 00:49:29,255

you and they're willing to put in.

:

00:49:29,415 --> 00:49:32,025

I'm hoping most people

are in that relationship.

:

00:49:32,365 --> 00:49:34,134

Then that might start that way.

:

00:49:34,175 --> 00:49:38,355

You might say you're 50 percent

every time and he might say 10%, but

:

00:49:38,445 --> 00:49:40,285

maybe that only happens three times.

:

00:49:40,355 --> 00:49:42,135

And then on the third,

fourth time, he goes.

:

00:49:42,645 --> 00:49:47,415

Oh, and you say, I'm 40, I'm

30, and he might go, Oh, I'm 42.

:

00:49:47,415 --> 00:49:47,895

I'll help you.

:

00:49:48,095 --> 00:49:53,175

Because the way to break it, I think is

to start to, to give and give it a go.

:

00:49:53,285 --> 00:49:56,434

Because if we have this thing about, well,

I'm always going to have to do everything.

:

00:49:56,434 --> 00:49:58,375

Well, that's the story

you're telling yourself.

:

00:49:58,375 --> 00:50:00,155

That's probably what's going to happen.

:

00:50:00,304 --> 00:50:01,234

Absolutely.

:

00:50:01,304 --> 00:50:03,795

And at that point, if it was

being maintained for quite a

:

00:50:03,795 --> 00:50:06,595

bit of time, you might want to

look at a situational change.

:

00:50:06,925 --> 00:50:08,545

Why is he at a 10 continually?

:

00:50:08,555 --> 00:50:10,145

Is, does he need a work change?

:

00:50:10,335 --> 00:50:13,000

Because that's not healthy and not

normal and that all creates stress,

:

00:50:13,000 --> 00:50:16,698

not just for him, but for the dynamic

and it's just for long term for him.

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